Actually, It Is Your Parents' Fault: Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn't Working, and How to Fix It

by Philip Van Munching, Bernie Katz

The ultimate relationship repair from the bestselling author of Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt) and a psychologist with decades of experience

Every committed relationship goes through rough patches. What's the difference between those that move forward and those that disintegrate? Knowledge, effort and a desire to strengthen the bond. In Actually, It Is Your Parents' Fault, Philip Van Munching and Bernie Katz cut through unhelpful self-help trends to lead readers to self-knowledge and to show how:

--Even your earliest childhood experiences dictate who you fall for

--The unconscious aspects of your personality both attract and repel your partners (often at the same time)

--Your history indicates how you'll fight, how well (or poorly) you'll communicate, and how you'll deal with tough times

--To use insight into yourself to fix your relationship

With humor and sound advice, Van Munching and Katz can help any reader on the road to a happier romance or marriage.

"A useful tool."—Library Journal

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Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Inspirational

288 pages, Hardcover

First published October 1, 2007

Reviews

[Leah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book explains how the formation of your personality and the muddied waters of your unconscious substantially impact your interpersonal relationships. In addition to the explanation is the optimistic indication that with knowledge/understanding of your unconscious needs and those of your partner, you will be more aptly disposed to having healthy, successful relationships.

[Rachel Sunter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is pretty mind-blowing, if a tiny bit dated in its psychology. The exploration of the roles our unconscious selves play in partner selection and relationship evolution, explains a lot for those of us facing years and years of cyclical problems.

The end of the book is a little crammed and difficult to sort through, in terms of solutions and advice. I also think it was a pretty serious oversight not to discuss sociopathy and NPD, when talking about some obviously abusive relationships. I understand the philosophy of the book is to take into account the complicated reasons for toxic dynamics, and ultimately to work through them, but to suggest that victims of abuse are unconsciously "looking for it" and are therefor 50% responsible... is a lot, without a disclaimer. I think there should have been an entire chapter on when & how to walk away.

For many relationships, this issue wouldn't apply, and the book would be 100% gold. I just wish a book written by two old white dudes could have even tried to be just a little more feminist. Gets four stars, and I'd recommend it.

[Jennifer Barczak · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version and the part of the title that indicates this is to help with romantic relationships was cut off from my download. I've been single for decades so, while this was interesting, it helps if you're in a relationship when reading it.

[B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version of Actually, It is Your Parents' Fault. This is one to buy in physical form to write notes int he margins. I wish it were longer because I still have questions. I'll look for more from these authors.

[Amanda Easter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, doesn't really show you how to fix any issues but more as a guide on how your childhood affects your personality and how that can collide with your significant other's personality.

[Sheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up because the title made me laugh. While the authors do hasten to say that laying blame is not useful, overall I still think they overstress "nurture, not nature." While they sometimes obliquely recognize that two people in similar situations react differently, they also argue that "Personality is Experience, Internalized." As a parent of five kids, I don't think it's that easy. One of my kids was essentially a cheerful, low-maintenance optimist from birth; another seems to be equally cheerful and low-maintenance and an optimist now she's a teenager, but she was much more grim and much higher-need as a child. Those in-born personality traits can have a big impact on how the child responds to childhood experiences.

The authors also present relationship problems as just two people who aren't meshing well, who are inadvertently pushing each others' buttons and triggering issues from their respective childhoods; while that's certainly what usually happens, there's also the fact that some people deliberately choose to control the relationship. I've heard that couples counseling is not a good option if you're dealing with an abuser; reading this book I can see why that might be.

Not to say that the book doesn't have some interesting insights and some good advice. Just that it's pretty average, IMHO, rather than something I'd recommend.

[Jessica Burstrem · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up the audio version of this book because I wanted to criticize it for its title, and actually, the title is misleading. Right away the authors make clear that it is not exactly your parents' faults because they turned out as they did due to their own upbringings, and it doesn't matter how you ended up as you did -- it just matters that you realize how and what you can do about it. It also makes the excellent point, over and over again, that it's also not so important what your partner does to piss you off, but rather, why you are reacting as you do. So it's one of the more practical and useful self-help books that I have read. It gives specific advice for what to do and what to say to work on your romantic relationship. And because it's written by a writer with advice from a psychoanalyst, it's both readable and credible. I ultimately found it both enjoyable and thought-provoking. And I'm still laughing over some of the examples of Freudian slips.

[Hans · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very insightful book. I have always found it interesting that for most things you need to receive training / education or some other kind of qualification for most major responsibilities in life, not so for marriage or parenting. Ironic, that the two most critical relationships are at the mercy of complete amateurs.

I could rant and rave a bit about this book and how the author isn't qualified to write a relationship book. But I won't cause I did get some good stuff out of it.

The basic and most important elements that I gathered from this book were about how my early childhood relationships helped form my personality which in turn now has an affect on how I form relationships. I found this interesting because I reflected and identified many critical events and contexts of my childhood that still play a role in my life today.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made a huge difference in my life and my understanding about my relationships and how/why I react to it the way I used to, repeatedly.
It helped me to be more aware about my behavior and attitudes as well as my partners, now husband. Certainly this book open the path for many other important reading in my life.
I would love to congratulate the author for coming up with this deep content in such affordable way.

[Rosanna Fay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok, this book was written by the brother of one of my college friends! Part of the same pile of unread books at our house by "people we know".

It's a "self help" book - very funny and insightful. Really enjoyed it. Co-Authored endeavor, but told in the first person through only one of the author's voices -- very well done. Self help books aren't what I would generally consider 'entertainment', but this one crosses over for sure.

[Catherine Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the most amazing, entertaining and easy to read explanation of what happens as relationships evolve! I had so many AHA moments as the authors describe the buttons that get pushed moving from dating to commitment. The first step to healing and growth is awareness. This book is chock full of it!

[M Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humorous take on many ideas I've previously read about and already am aware of.
But it served as a good reminder of them and made some things very clear to me.
I'd recommend this to a lot of friends.
Martine

[Kristin Nabors · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title intrigued me to pick up this book. It is a great mix of humor and psychology. The authors offer great tips for sustaining your relationship, even if you aren't going through problems.

[Amanda Kimberley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book and great activities to get you to think about yourself and relationships.

[Stef · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great ideas for fighting fair and keeping the lines of communication open. Not so excited about the subtle suggestions to "settle," though.

[Erin Caldwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pretty interesting if not earth-shattering look at how out earliest relationships shape our future behavior and how to factor those experiences into your future relationships. Worth reading.