The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home

by Chris Moles

Domestic abuse and violence are on the rise in our culture today, and just as prevalent in the church. With an estimated one-fourth of women in the church living with abuse and violence, pastors and biblical counselors need to have the resources to offer hope and help. It is time for godly men in the church to call abusive men to repentance and accountability. Here is a valuable resource for every church leader and Christian man.

Genres: Counselling, Nonfiction, Marriage, Abuse

Paperback

Published January 1, 2015

Reviews

[Stephanie Ridiculous · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a critical book for all churches. This issue is far more prevalent than most are willing to admit. This is not a book for victims, however. It is designed for counselors and Church leadership to tackle this issue head on. Moles does a fantastic job of breaking DV down into tangible concepts, and addresses many aspects that are usually dismissed or ignored (such as men limiting economical resources, isolating her from friends/family, etc.) I think every person in Chruch leadership should read this, because it's happening in your church - and that's a fact!

[Dianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chris Moles has brought wisdom and experience to light here for us in helping to explain a biblical approach to dealing with domestic abuse. All too often, people get this wrong, even pastors. The consequences of not handling this correctly are huge - physically, relationally, and spiritually.

Moles shared how we must view the problem of domestic abuse as separate from a marriage problem. And, through the use of a case-study that follows each chapter, the reader can see the application of truth played out. This is very helpful.

Another critical aspect that Moles shared is the wisdom to know when true change has occurred: what to consider and what to watch for, and the wisdom needed to be patient. Too often, people just trust someone’s profession and neglect to truly examine for fruit. Again, very helpful instruction and guidance for the reader.

I commend this book to all believers!! This kind of knowledge is needed for every Christ-follower, as we are called to walk together in the “one-another’s” of Scripture. But more importantly, this book needs to be read and implemented by pastors and elders to rightly equip those who are on the front lines with these situations.

[Bruce · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Heart of Domestic Abuse by Chris Moles
Gospel Solutions for Men who use Control and Violence in the Home
Focus Publishing
Bemidji, MN 56601


I first heard Chris Moles speak on domestic abuse in Lafayette, IN at Faith Baptist Church during a training conference for the ACBC (Association of Christian Biblical Counselors) an organization, which I’m a certified member.

His opening remarks regarding the presence (or even prevalence) of domestic abuse among professing evangelicals took me back to a time early in my ministry when I suggested to my Sr. Pastor that something seemed amiss in a particular family. He replied that I would not want to know half of what went on in the church.

Chris’ comments about domestic abuse in the church line up with what that pastor said. Domestic abuse is not something most pastors want to deal with or even think they are qualified to deal with even if they wanted to.

Therefore, Chris’ book is a needed resource to the church so that awareness is raised about this devastating sin. Chris does more than raise awareness; he provides the biblical tools to deal with abuse.

The book’s content is as follows:

Chapter 1: The Heart of the Matter
Chapter 2: Behaving Badly
Chapter 3: Motives Matter
Chapter 4: Self-worship, Pride, and the Heart of Abuse
Chapter 5: Beliefs
Chapter 6: Power Plays

The first six chapters set the profile of the domestic abuser. The next five chapters serve as a blueprint on how to counsel an abuser. A case study is part of each chapter as Chris gives a real life example of both the profile of an abuser as well as the heart change that is necessary to stop the violence and convert a man to loving his wife as Christ loves the church.

Chapter 7: Good News for a Troubling Subject
Chapter 8: Hope for the Violent Man
Chapter 9: The Mind of Christ: An Alternative to a Violent Heart
Chapter 10: Wanting Something More
Chapter 11: A Call to Authenticity

Five helpful appendixes follow:

A. Select Scripture References that Speak to Abuse
B. Behavior Inventory
C. Advocate Questionnaire
D. Church Discipline and Abuse
E. Teen Dating Violence

Chris’ methodology is familiar to any biblical counselor as he stresses the importance of heart change rather than behavioral modification. The book is rich in Scripture-based diagrams, explanations and the use of specific passages.

Chris is a pastor in West Virginia but also works as a certified batterer intervention group facilitator, contributor and instructor with state agencies and local criminal corrections.

I am sure that Chris’ book will be popular in any church that practices biblical counseling and where the pastor(s) are not afraid to counsel their own people.

Chris Moles Website

http://www.chrismoles.org

[Michael Philliber · Rating 5 out of 5]

The signs are clear. He shouts at her often, sometimes smashing holes through the walls with his fists, then blaming her nagging ways for his outburst. He demands to know her every move, even placing tracking apps on her cell phone. He limits her "alone-time" with her friends because they're bad for her. Recently he took control of the family finances, even mandating that all earned income be turned over to him. Not only does he threaten to leave her and take the kids, but she found out recently that he tells the children he can't trust their mother and they need inform him whenever she does something they know he won't like. These are a few of the indications of domestic abuse. They may not be physically violent, but they are threatening, oppressive, and suffocating. If you are this family's pastor or elder, do you ignore it, or should you seek to intervene? Chris Moles, certified biblical counselor, batterer intervention group facilitator, and pastor of Grace Community Church in Eleanor, WV, encourages church leaders to intervene, and maps out a healthy way to engage abusive men in his 154 page paperback, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who use Control and Violence in the Home." This manual is "primarily for pastors, biblical counselors, and church leaders who may find they are working with a man who has used control and violence in home" (6).

"The Heart of Domestic Abuse" aims for heart-change in oppressive men. The book is not intended to be given to the abuser, but to aid the counselor in working them toward heart change. The vast majority of the content guides the pastor/counselor through the process of shepherding heart-change. The author also deciphers the ploys often used by abusers to side-step such changes. And he shows what real gospel-heart-change will look like: Pride and control are displaced by humility, violence gives way to gentleness, ridicule is overridden by encouragement, blame-shifting and denial bow before truth, shepherding and loving the children replaces manipulation, servant leadership triumphs over male privilege, and stewardship rises above financial abuse. "Right beliefs will foster right motives which will produce right behavior" (115).

Moles writes from a complementarian position, rather than egalitarian. Though the husband and wife are equal before God, in the home economy they fulfill different roles. Specifically, the husband as head of the family, etc. But the author rightly points out that in healthy complementarianism, the husband's responsibility is to use his strength and position "to serve our families rather than subdue them" (7). That means, when addressing abusive men, who often see their marriages as a hierarchy of power where he oversees his wife's behavior and controls her actions, they "would do well to see themselves as part of a hierarchy of responsibility, placing more emphasis on their position before God than their position above their wife" (71). I personally thought the way the author handled this perspective was heartening and wholesome.

"The Heart of Domestic Abuse" needs to be in the hands of every Christian minister. We minister's must take on domestic abuse, because God hates oppression, and the misuse of power over the powerless; "O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more" (Psalm 10.17-18). Please God! And we must be ready to take on domestic abuse because this wrongdoing is more than likely going on under the radar in most of our congregations. I strongly recommend the book!

[Danna Dykema · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent Book. This book helps us to see the heart of an abuser. At the heart level or the desires of their heart is a self-centered and proud person who is only aware of how they can get what they want. They will manipulate, control, and coerce their significant other to get what they want. As an ACBC counselor, I read this book just when I needed it and will continue to use it in my future counseling cases. My hearts desire is to educate young ladies and women so that they don't fall prey to abusive men. It all starts with understanding our identity in Christ and our purpose in life.

[Alexandre "Sacha" · Rating 5 out of 5]

Um livro prático e honesto sobre um problema velado no Brasil. Usando uma abordagem simples (mas não simplista), Chris Moles nos conduz na explicação de um processo de mudança genuína para homens (abusadores) que usam de sua força e poder para ter suas vontades satisfeitas dentro do relacionamento - vontades centradas no desejo intenso por controle.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good look into the heart and motivations of an abuser. He focuses more on physical violence versus verbal/emotional abuse. Would love to have seen more info about how he walks these men through the change process!

[Ruthie Skillman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This topic is so misunderstood, and it's encouraging to see a man, a pastor, even, discuss it so well. This book is well thought-out, the concepts are clear and there's no filler. A great resource that should be a part of every pastor and elder's reading list.

[Shari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chris Moles encourages godly men in the church to call abusive men to repentance and accountability through the power of the Holy Spirit. It's a valuable resource for every church leader and Christian.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book. It should be required reading for anyone in a Biblical Counseling or mentoring role.

[Rhonda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for pastors, elders, and counsellors. Wish he would have talked a bit about sexual abuse in a marriage though...

[Joshua Swieringa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book that practically applies many passages of Scripture.

[Tabitha Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every church must read this to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse and coercive control, particular with regard to understanding the abuser.

[Aubrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal resource. Talks about the root and the heart of abuse, compares pride to humility, how Jesus lived and loved, and how to address an abuser’s heart with the Gospel.

[Joelendil · Rating 4 out of 5]

In many ways, this is a companion book to Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland (she recommends it in her list of resources). The author focuses on counseling the abuser in a domestic abuse situation once the victim is safe. There is some good basic overview information here, and I appreciate his honesty about the likelihood of an abuser refusing to genuinely change. However, there are times when he is frustratingly lacking in specifics. For example, he talks about assigning homework, action steps, and goals and holding the counselee responsible for them but gives few concrete examples of what these assignments should actually look like. I found it worth reading, but it needs to be heavily supplement with other material.

If you decide to read it, avoid the ebook edition. It has the worst formatting I have ever seen in a not-free ebook (and even most cheaply scanned public domain free ones are better). Line spacing and font size are inconsistent, there is no way to navigate to specific chapters, and all illustrations are grouped at the back in a format too minute to be of any use. Stick with the dead-tree edition!

[James Fields · Rating 5 out of 5]

Abuse in the church never stays hidden. The truth always comes out, and when it does it's devastating. We've heard countless stories of Catholic priests sexually abusing children, celebrity Christians abusing multiple women (see: Josh Duggar), and so many more heart breaking stories.

For every story we've heard, there are countless more that have never been released to the public. The statistics say that one in four or five marriages has domestic abuse happening in it, and we've learned that those stats don't change inside the church.

Contrary to common belief, abuse isn't always sexual or violent. It can be manipulative, controlling, and perfectly legal. Chris talks about a guy who keep track of if his wife left the house by chalking her tires, then he'd use that to start conversations "did you go anywhere today?" There's nothing illegal about it, but it's controlling and stifling to her growth and life. Oppressors will stay within the law so long as they can get what they want by those means.

This is the insidiousness of abuse. It obeys the law.

Another man who would leave all the cabinet doors open in the kitchen when he was upset with his wife. On the surface, this sounds like ordinary marital forgetfulness, but in the past he would get physically violent after leaving the cabinet doors open. So she'd come home, see the cabinets open and get hysterical in fear. She couldn't tell anyone that he threatened her, because who would believe that leaving the cabinets open was a threat?

This is the insidiousness of abuse. It hides in plain sight.

In the church, these men become spiritual oppressors using scripture to assert control over their wives and demanding whatever they want. They also seek out powerful friendships (like pastors and community leaders) so that if their wife every says anything, she has nowhere to turn to.

This is the insidiousness of abuse. It controls and manipulates.

With abuse so common in our culture and in our churches, what hope is there for transformative change? What hope is there for men to start reflecting the love of Jesus for the first time?

Review: The Heart of Domestic Abuse

When Chris Moles first started researching this topic, there was barely any information out there. As he puts it, it call fit in one box. He began to look for anything he could get his hands on to help change men's hearts and protect women and children from harm.

With this book, Chris Moles dives into the deep end. He tears apart the unbiblical answers Christians often use to respond to abuse situations. He encourages the church to work with law enforcement and court orders to protect the flock and fulfill the commands of Scripture (Romans 13:1-2). Too often church leaders have avoided the law and made things far worse.

Moles examines the secular approaches to domestic abuse and how they fail to make lasting change. Many of them are only aiming to get rid of the violent and controlling tendencies, with no concern to what they are replaced with. The problem being, they may remove this issue in the marriage only to replace it with gambling, adultery, or some other damaging sin.

The Heart of Domestic Abuse works out the Biblical answer to this hard topic. Chris Moles, breaks down each issue into understandable components and uses real life stories to make them understandable. He points out that the problem with angry men is not women refusing to be submissive, but sinful, pride filled hearts of men not submitting to God.

He points to Scripture to show that the role of a husband is to lift up and support his wife like the male cheerleaders who launch the girls in the air so they can perform flips and tricks. They watch with anticipation as the come back down, sliding into place to catch them safely. That's how Jesus supported us! He taught the disciples, and sent them out on practice runs (Mark 6:7-13). He empowered them to do amazing things! Godly men should be doing the same.

To learn more about this topic and how to address it Biblically, read on his blog: PeaceWorks or listen to his podcast: The PeaceWorks Podcast.

To see more reviews check out my blog: This Sporadic Life

[Eric Chappell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid resource on an overlooked issue in many churches.