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Do Parents Matter?: Why Japanese Babies Sleep Soundly, Mexican Siblings Don’t Fight, and American Families Should Just Relax
American parents drive themselves crazy trying to raise perfect children. There is always another news article or scientific finding proclaiming the importance of some factor or other, but it’s easy to miss the bigger picture: that parents can only affect their children so much.
In their decades-long study of global parenting styles, Harvard anthropologists (and grandparents themselves) Robert A. LeVine and Sarah LeVine reveal how culture may affect children more than parents do. Japanese children co-sleep with their parents well into grade school, while women of the Hausa tribe avoid verbal and eye contact with their infants, and yet, they are as likely as any of us to raise happy, well-adjusted children. The LeVines’ fascinating global survey suggests we embrace our limitations as parents, instead of exhausting ourselves by constantly trying to fix them.
Do Parents Matter? is likely the deepest and broadest survey of its kind, with profound lessons for the way we think about our families.
In their decades-long study of global parenting styles, Harvard anthropologists (and grandparents themselves) Robert A. LeVine and Sarah LeVine reveal how culture may affect children more than parents do. Japanese children co-sleep with their parents well into grade school, while women of the Hausa tribe avoid verbal and eye contact with their infants, and yet, they are as likely as any of us to raise happy, well-adjusted children. The LeVines’ fascinating global survey suggests we embrace our limitations as parents, instead of exhausting ourselves by constantly trying to fix them.
Do Parents Matter? is likely the deepest and broadest survey of its kind, with profound lessons for the way we think about our families.
272 pages, Hardcover
First published September 6, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
November 28, 2016
I bet this couple is lovely, but this book is simply not good. You can imagine the book pitch to the trade publisher: "What if we wrote a book that showed how crazy American parents are by contrasting them with cultures around the world?", and you can see why the publisher would jump for it. Ultimately, however, I'd like to think that the lay reader doesn't need this basic an introduction to the fundamental premise of anthropology, which is that all cultures are different and inculcate the social values they find important, which are not universal. So basically, the LeVines detail how child-rearing practices differ all around the world and that German and U.S. parents place particular emphasis on creative, independent kids, while some agrarian societies emphasize hierarchical social structures and soothing rather than engaging their kids. In spite of the title, the LeVines don't usually weigh in on these differences; they are mostly demonstrating that things that American parents find essential to parenting (making eye contact with a child, for example) are not central to parenting in every context around the world. Sometimes, they do weigh in. They clearly think co-sleeping is a great idea that that we don't do enough of it in this country. Additionally, one of their major points in the book seems to be to debunk psychoanalytic thought or at least its ambition to universality. In the final chapter of the book, they point out that it's unclear that what happens in infancy and early childhood is as crucial as we've been taught to believe (hence the "American Families Should Just Relax" injunction).
The book simultaneously felt too basic and weirdly disjointed, and some of its insights felt really shallow (Industrial-era British families commonly sent their children away. Which means our attachment to children is weird! Amazing!). I did think it was interesting to think about what messages about hierarchy and submission various child-rearing practices instill. I did not think about the early months/years with my daughter as a process of conveying to her that she should question my authority, but that's basically how the LeVines construe making eye contact, picking up the baby to comfort her, and responding to her babbling. It is interesting to think that there are cultures where a more abstracted form of soothing, centered on skin-to-skin contact, would replace this constant conversation in American child-rearing. But I'm not sure that we should extrapolate parenting guidelines from anthropological studies, as helpful as it is to remember that your own practices are culturally contingent.
The book simultaneously felt too basic and weirdly disjointed, and some of its insights felt really shallow (Industrial-era British families commonly sent their children away. Which means our attachment to children is weird! Amazing!). I did think it was interesting to think about what messages about hierarchy and submission various child-rearing practices instill. I did not think about the early months/years with my daughter as a process of conveying to her that she should question my authority, but that's basically how the LeVines construe making eye contact, picking up the baby to comfort her, and responding to her babbling. It is interesting to think that there are cultures where a more abstracted form of soothing, centered on skin-to-skin contact, would replace this constant conversation in American child-rearing. But I'm not sure that we should extrapolate parenting guidelines from anthropological studies, as helpful as it is to remember that your own practices are culturally contingent.
September 9, 2024
Un libro muy interesante sobre antropología que consigue ser una crítica muy potente tanto a las teorías psicológicas sin apoyo como la del apego, que echan en la infancia y en la crianza la raíza de absolutamente todo, como a la forma en la que los occidentales hemos convertido la crianza de nuestros hijos en algo veinte veces más complicado de lo que tiene que ser, supuestamente en nombre de su "bienestar psicológico", pero en realidad simplemente como una forma de conformidad con unos valores culturales que no son, ni de lejos ni necesariamente, mejores que otros.
En los múltiples ejemplos lo que se establece es que, básicamente, por todo el mundo hay padres y madres criando a sus hijos de formas que, supuestamente, deberían producir poblaciones enteras de personas traumatizadas, amargadas y destruidas emocionalmente, sin que por supuesto eso sea lo que ocurre. Pero no hace falta irse a ejemplos extremos como pensar en etnias como los Hausa Fulani, donde la madre tiene prohibido hablar con el niño, mirarle a los ojos o expresar afecto por un tabú cultural: uno de los ejemplos más alucinantes es un estudio según el cual, de acuerdo con la teoría del apego, los niños alemanes de la ciudad de Bielefeld deberían tener todos trastornos del apego a juzgar por su conducta en el pseudoexperimento conocido como "la situación extraña". Pero por lo que sea, los niños alemanes son igual de felices que el resto.
La lectura es interesante, pero se ve lastrada quizá por un exceso de texto y una prosa un tanto prolija, y además da vueltas en círculos revisitando las mismas culturas de ejemplo desde distintos ángulos, para explicar diferentes cosas. Sin ser un libro largo, podría haber sido un poco más conciso. Pero igualmente, una lectura importante e interesante, que hubiera querido hacer antes de nacer mi primera hija.
En los múltiples ejemplos lo que se establece es que, básicamente, por todo el mundo hay padres y madres criando a sus hijos de formas que, supuestamente, deberían producir poblaciones enteras de personas traumatizadas, amargadas y destruidas emocionalmente, sin que por supuesto eso sea lo que ocurre. Pero no hace falta irse a ejemplos extremos como pensar en etnias como los Hausa Fulani, donde la madre tiene prohibido hablar con el niño, mirarle a los ojos o expresar afecto por un tabú cultural: uno de los ejemplos más alucinantes es un estudio según el cual, de acuerdo con la teoría del apego, los niños alemanes de la ciudad de Bielefeld deberían tener todos trastornos del apego a juzgar por su conducta en el pseudoexperimento conocido como "la situación extraña". Pero por lo que sea, los niños alemanes son igual de felices que el resto.
La lectura es interesante, pero se ve lastrada quizá por un exceso de texto y una prosa un tanto prolija, y además da vueltas en círculos revisitando las mismas culturas de ejemplo desde distintos ángulos, para explicar diferentes cosas. Sin ser un libro largo, podría haber sido un poco más conciso. Pero igualmente, una lectura importante e interesante, que hubiera querido hacer antes de nacer mi primera hija.
February 7, 2018
And? So? Which method is better? What are the results of this way or that way? This book is nothing but a litany of the different ways societies approach child rearing. It's as if the authors are afraid to venture an opinion or an observation that might be less than completely impartial. What's the point of this book anyway? None of the questions in the title were actually answered (at least not in the 30% or so that I was able to snooze through).
January 18, 2017
A detailed rundown of parental practices in other communities, but I found the conclusions lacking.
February 18, 2017
Very interesting anecdotes from around the world. I found myself getting annoyed at the cultural relativism of the book (especially given that the book was quick to condemn some American practices). It was interesting to see how resilient kids are and how drastic differences in childhood don't affect long-term outcomes. I wish the book had been more interested in the question of how enjoyable the different childhoods are for the kids and the parents. I don't know why people don't seem to care about this question. There is so much written on whether or not (e.g.) enrichment activities affect performance scores on standardized tests, but almost nothing written on whether or not kids and parents tend to enjoy those activities (and when and why different activities are more or less enjoyable).
November 7, 2016
Wasn't quite as comprehensive as I'd hoped in describing parenting practices around the world and throughout recent history, but invaluable for freeing me from the norms I'd accepted as gospel when they may be uniquely "American."
October 26, 2016
This book was very eye opening in regards to cultures in other countries and American culture in parenting. Amazing information. The book does read like a study of cultures. It is not your typical patenting book. Full of very important information though.
One point that amazed me the most would probably be America's obsession with following "experts" and that the theory have been proven wrong by other cultures.
One point that amazed me the most would probably be America's obsession with following "experts" and that the theory have been proven wrong by other cultures.
January 10, 2017
Bravo LeVine authors!
High praise for tremendous amount of effort and decades of conducted anthropological research on children across 4 continents.
Respectful of research literature on children by sociologists (Sharon Hays, Annette Lareau, and Suzanne Bianchi), Western and non-Western anthropologists, psychologists, and physicians.
High praise for tremendous amount of effort and decades of conducted anthropological research on children across 4 continents.
Respectful of research literature on children by sociologists (Sharon Hays, Annette Lareau, and Suzanne Bianchi), Western and non-Western anthropologists, psychologists, and physicians.
December 28, 2022
I’ve been reading every parenting book about non-American parenting practices I can get my hands on, and my favorite ones so far are the ones that remind me of this Foucault quote: “My role — and that is too emphatic a word — is to show people that they are much freer than they feel, that people accept as truth, as evidence, some themes which have been built up at a certain moment during history, and that this so-called evidence can be criticized and destroyed.” This book definitely does that! I think some of the other reviewers’ complaints about its structure/internal organization are justified, but it does a really excellent job of basically being like: You don’t need to feel guilty (or let others make you feel guilty) for the way you parent if it diverges from mainstream middle/upper-middle class American parenting norms. Those pervasive “themes” that we generally “accept as truth, as evidence” are just cultural constructs/norms that are designed to produce the type of individual—and the type of parent/child relationship—our particular culture has decided is most valuable or “good.”
So be free! You are more free than you feel! And—this is probably the book’s most crucial argument—you are also way, way less likely to permanently damage or traumatize your child than self-appointed parenting experts and mommy bloggers/TikTokers/whatever would have you believe. The small things you do or fail to do (which mothers in particular are made to feel so much guilt and shame over) just do not seem to matter that much in the grand scheme of the child’s development into a healthy, well-adjusted adult.
So be free! You are more free than you feel! And—this is probably the book’s most crucial argument—you are also way, way less likely to permanently damage or traumatize your child than self-appointed parenting experts and mommy bloggers/TikTokers/whatever would have you believe. The small things you do or fail to do (which mothers in particular are made to feel so much guilt and shame over) just do not seem to matter that much in the grand scheme of the child’s development into a healthy, well-adjusted adult.
October 15, 2024
Fascinating accounts of parenting in various countries. The title question wasn’t answered, but the whole book does open up the opportunity for reflection.
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June 4, 2020This book was not what I expected. I thought it would be more of a parenting manual based on other cultural practices, along the lines of Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting (which Ali Wong refers to in her book Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets, & Advice for Living Your Best Life) as "that book of LIES") or Achtung Baby: An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children.
It's not that at all. The LeVines are anthropologists, and this book describes some of the parenting practices they observed during their field work in Africa and Mexico (some of it fifty years ago, for what that's worth) and other anthropologists' work in Asia and Oceania. They describe some of the differences between parenting in wealthy industrialized cultures versus hunter-gatherer or agrarian communities. This is interesting, but, as someone with no background in anthropology, I also found it a little weird - there is something uncomfortable, almost colonialist, about white people observing the practices of people of color and presuming to draw conclusions about them from an outside perspective.
The final chapter concludes that contemporary American parents put too much pressure on themselves to optimize their child-rearing in order to give their children the best start in life, and suggests that the diversity of parenting practices across cultures indicate that children will turn out basically okay regardless. They also suggest that American parents can take what is best from other cultures, but the only concrete example of this they give is co-sleeping. I don't think the rest of the book supports this conclusion (reasonable though it may be) because it ignores the fact that these practices take place *within* a particular cultural context; if you borrow Xhosa parenting techniques, you might prepare a child to live in Xhosa society, but that is not necessarily what children need to thrive in American society.
More importantly, you can't meaningfully adopt another culture's parenting practices, because American society is set up with nuclear families. No family is an island. As Ali Wong says in her complaint about Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, it's all very well to say you won't give your child snacks, but if every other kid on the playground is eating goldfish crackers, you'll probably end up letting your child eat goldfish crackers, too.
Still, the overall point - American parents can chill out a little, because children are pretty resilient - is reasonable enough. I just didn't find this book, interesting though it was, ultimately convincing in the way it arrives at this conclusion.
It's not that at all. The LeVines are anthropologists, and this book describes some of the parenting practices they observed during their field work in Africa and Mexico (some of it fifty years ago, for what that's worth) and other anthropologists' work in Asia and Oceania. They describe some of the differences between parenting in wealthy industrialized cultures versus hunter-gatherer or agrarian communities. This is interesting, but, as someone with no background in anthropology, I also found it a little weird - there is something uncomfortable, almost colonialist, about white people observing the practices of people of color and presuming to draw conclusions about them from an outside perspective.
The final chapter concludes that contemporary American parents put too much pressure on themselves to optimize their child-rearing in order to give their children the best start in life, and suggests that the diversity of parenting practices across cultures indicate that children will turn out basically okay regardless. They also suggest that American parents can take what is best from other cultures, but the only concrete example of this they give is co-sleeping. I don't think the rest of the book supports this conclusion (reasonable though it may be) because it ignores the fact that these practices take place *within* a particular cultural context; if you borrow Xhosa parenting techniques, you might prepare a child to live in Xhosa society, but that is not necessarily what children need to thrive in American society.
More importantly, you can't meaningfully adopt another culture's parenting practices, because American society is set up with nuclear families. No family is an island. As Ali Wong says in her complaint about Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, it's all very well to say you won't give your child snacks, but if every other kid on the playground is eating goldfish crackers, you'll probably end up letting your child eat goldfish crackers, too.
Still, the overall point - American parents can chill out a little, because children are pretty resilient - is reasonable enough. I just didn't find this book, interesting though it was, ultimately convincing in the way it arrives at this conclusion.
October 23, 2024
The topic is of interest to me and there were some interesting observations in this book, but it got very repetitive. Conclusions and overarching themes are pretty thin. The sub-title is what caught my attention, as it was intended to do, and it is not false advertising - those questions are answered in the book - but the fun pop-science tone of the sub-title is far removed from the dry, academic style of the book itself.
June 7, 2018
I think the title is quite misleading and unhelpful as the authors don’t actually explicitly answer their question or even discuss it. Because of the disconnect between the title and the actual content I opted for a lower rating of the book.
I think this should have been called, “A Study of Parenting Across Cultures and Countries.” The couple draws on their extensive years of experience studying different styles of parenting within context in Africa, South America, and Asia, with an emphasis on parenting practices in different communities in Africa.
The anecdotes and analysis of parenting styles show that parents in all cultures expend a great deal of energy in training their children from infancy to be able to function in their society. So yes, parents do matter.
The authors challenge the beliefs that Americans tend to have about what is emotionally healthy for parents to do which was very interesting. For instance some tribal women in Africa will not look at their oldest son in the face which sounds cold and repressive on the surface. However, families in this tribe live in big groups and the child is showered with affection from other adults within the family.
I really appreciated the detailed discussion of the ways English society functioned in the medieval period and how children were sent out to work from a young age in all classes and how that informs their current society.
What was missing in this book was a larger discussion about American values and whether or not typical American parenting practices are effective in achieving those goals.
I think every parent should read this at the very least to broaden their ideas and definition of good parenting practices and to better examine what they want their children to learn and become, and how best to achieve that.
I think this should have been called, “A Study of Parenting Across Cultures and Countries.” The couple draws on their extensive years of experience studying different styles of parenting within context in Africa, South America, and Asia, with an emphasis on parenting practices in different communities in Africa.
The anecdotes and analysis of parenting styles show that parents in all cultures expend a great deal of energy in training their children from infancy to be able to function in their society. So yes, parents do matter.
The authors challenge the beliefs that Americans tend to have about what is emotionally healthy for parents to do which was very interesting. For instance some tribal women in Africa will not look at their oldest son in the face which sounds cold and repressive on the surface. However, families in this tribe live in big groups and the child is showered with affection from other adults within the family.
I really appreciated the detailed discussion of the ways English society functioned in the medieval period and how children were sent out to work from a young age in all classes and how that informs their current society.
What was missing in this book was a larger discussion about American values and whether or not typical American parenting practices are effective in achieving those goals.
I think every parent should read this at the very least to broaden their ideas and definition of good parenting practices and to better examine what they want their children to learn and become, and how best to achieve that.
December 11, 2017
They had an agenda with this book, but their shortcoming wasn't having it, but rather dancing around it. And it's a great agenda. The agenda is that American parents go through their parenting life catering and pussy footing and terrified that they'll ruin their children and that there's really no reason to believe that they will, especially with all the cultural variations worldwide. I wish that would have been the main thesis, rather than the footnotes.
How many times have you gone to a friends house and you can't even visit because their child refuses to play alone? Or seen someone run like mad to a momentarily fussing baby because they've been told, incorrectly, that letting a child cry will ruin it for life? Have you been shamed for refusing to take your child to Disney world, buy kids music or give them their own bedroom AND playroom? Of course you have, and in the age of the entitled child, we all have.
A really interesting read that could have used more social commentary a.
How many times have you gone to a friends house and you can't even visit because their child refuses to play alone? Or seen someone run like mad to a momentarily fussing baby because they've been told, incorrectly, that letting a child cry will ruin it for life? Have you been shamed for refusing to take your child to Disney world, buy kids music or give them their own bedroom AND playroom? Of course you have, and in the age of the entitled child, we all have.
A really interesting read that could have used more social commentary a.
September 15, 2016
This is not actually what the cover and the blurb would make you guess. It is a great source for anthropologists or anyone interested in how different cultures parent, but it is not a parenting book, and can't understand why Amazon lists it as such. I personally found it a little bit dry, and the choice of cultures represented was rather limited. I understand that the anthropological work takes really long periods of time and it is not possible to write a book that covers it all. But, my general feeling was that there is a lot of misogyny in traditions related to childbirth and pregnancy in most cultures represented here and it sort of tainted the book for me. As an expectant mother, it made me feel really depressed.
November 5, 2016
This book contained many interesting facts about how our and other cultures raise children. Most importantly, it showed how the over controlled way American families of today raise their children is harming both parents and children. It gives valuable advice pertinent to today, but I do not think it will become well read/popular not because American parents will be upset by its finding but because it is written in a stilted, scientific way that few parents will have the time or inclination to sift through for the pertinent and valuable info.
February 16, 2017
This was great, solid 3.5 stars at least.
As the sub-title says, this book makes a great argument against America's epidemic of over-parenting, though it's approached more as a cross-cultural review than a critique. It really helps put things in perspective.
Most importantly, it makes the point that kids are pretty resilient, and that a number of different parenting styles (including some that seem borderline abusive in our culture) can lead to positive outcomes, and that culture also plays a big role in how children grow up as they get older.
As the sub-title says, this book makes a great argument against America's epidemic of over-parenting, though it's approached more as a cross-cultural review than a critique. It really helps put things in perspective.
Most importantly, it makes the point that kids are pretty resilient, and that a number of different parenting styles (including some that seem borderline abusive in our culture) can lead to positive outcomes, and that culture also plays a big role in how children grow up as they get older.
January 18, 2017
I don't know why I picked this book up because I knew it would frustrate me. This is the summary in one sentence: for every parenting technique or question there is at least one technique that completely contradicts it as being wrong. I admittedly didn't read every word but enough to get the gist. The overall explanation of different cultures way of parenting is interesting.
February 8, 2017
It's interesting, but it's choppy. There are interesting parts, but it didn't answer it's own question. The conclusion was weak. It offers nothing but a comparison and contrast between American middle class parents and parents from other countries.
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October 3, 2016A lot more academic than I expected. Which isn't a bad thing objectively, but if you're wondering how to get these results in your own family, this book doesn't exactly offer answers.
December 12, 2016
Interesting, but repetitive and not much there as far as useful advice. I liked learning about how parents raise their children in other parts of the world.
February 3, 2017
I skipped a lot of the scientific parts but really enjoyed the cultural stories of child rearing in other countries.
March 11, 2017
Some interesting ideas about Western bias in parenting "norms" we assume, but the authors sometimes make contradicting statements. Mostly anthropological theory, not practice.
December 21, 2017
Writing resembles an anthropological treatise and conclusions are weak.
October 4, 2022
This was an interesting look at parenting styles across cultures. Although organized in themes, the research is observational (naturally) and the storytelling style tends towards anecdotes about the different aspects of child-rearing based on these research studies. As a result, I felt like it was sometimes a little dry, somewhat limited in scope, and (justifiably) a bit quiet about concrete conclusions or overall takeaways. Personally, I find the most established takeaways from the book 1) child rearing varies widely across cultures (broadly defined: including generational, geographical, ethnic, etc. differences) and 2) this is okay: sometimes it produces "better" outcomes, but "better" is always defined based on the individual culture's stated or implicit values. I think one thing the book did well was acknowledge that how others judge another culture's behaviors and practices is generally driven by the judger's value system, and mostly avoided making those value judgments themselves. I have to admit, sometimes instead of feeling better about my own cultural instincts I felt worse about not doing all of the things (some of which were contradictory, yes I know that's irrational), but that was not a mentality the authors were encouraging in the least, and on the whole I think it was more affirming than discouraging. It was helpful to recognize the variety of different childcare methods employed across cultures and throughout the world. It was also an interesting reminder that child rearing responsibilities are often historically and across cultures shared between many family members or others in the community rather than all falling on a single person. This reflects that the modern western model is unusual; not bad, necessarily, but also not perfect.
March 26, 2024
Great book that I would definitely recommend. A bit of a weird title, although it does get at the central question. Written by anthropologists who are largely describing parenting techniques they see around the world - not necessarily arguing for or against any particular technique. I appreciated this book because it helped me understand that there is no right or wrong strategy- just strategies that help (or don't help) parents meet their parenting goals. They make the point that most parents achieve their stated goals. This book also helped me understand what alternative goals are, like being empathetic like Japanese kids or being calm like the gusii instead of very talkative and active like the standard American goal. They highlight American strategies that are counterproductive, like constantly playing with a child.
A few quibbles: when discussing breastfeeding that said that many American women reported that they were unable to breastfeed, which they didn't think could be true, so they assumed that these women are lying because they're too embarrassed to admit that they just don't want to. From my own experience I think it is much more likely that women are receiving poor medical advice and/or poor medical care that makes them believe they are unable to breastfeed.
There were also some instances where I felt like they skimmed over important points. They didn't explain why or how Mexican siblings are nice to each other, and they definitely didn't explain the parenting strategies that produced those results.
Their end conclusion is a bit weird. After a whole book explaining how different parenting strategies lead to different outcomes in children, they then say there is no evidence that any of this is lasting! That doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
A few quibbles: when discussing breastfeeding that said that many American women reported that they were unable to breastfeed, which they didn't think could be true, so they assumed that these women are lying because they're too embarrassed to admit that they just don't want to. From my own experience I think it is much more likely that women are receiving poor medical advice and/or poor medical care that makes them believe they are unable to breastfeed.
There were also some instances where I felt like they skimmed over important points. They didn't explain why or how Mexican siblings are nice to each other, and they definitely didn't explain the parenting strategies that produced those results.
Their end conclusion is a bit weird. After a whole book explaining how different parenting strategies lead to different outcomes in children, they then say there is no evidence that any of this is lasting! That doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
September 16, 2019
Interesting, certainly, but not what I expected at all.
It would have been more interesting to read what every society does for a couple things rather than two or three cultural approaches to 15 various things.
There were also some real generalities towards the end that went more or less unexplained, e.g., "French kids are less picky eaters" with no rationale as to why that might be the case. And I am still somewhat unclear as to why "Mexican siblings don't fight." (The explanation was a tad amorphous.)
Much of the research in the book apparently took place between 1955-1990, and that's great, but I feel as though there has been a huge cultural shift since that (very large) time period, in terms of technology to say the least; I would have been interested in reading about more current contrasting child-rearing practices.
Cultural bias is a fascinating topic and vis a vis child-rearing is even more interesting, but this particular book didn't do it for me. I was also left with the faint impression that I am, by looking my 10 month old in the face, picking him up when he asks for it, and showing him how things work, "spoiling" him...?
It would have been more interesting to read what every society does for a couple things rather than two or three cultural approaches to 15 various things.
There were also some real generalities towards the end that went more or less unexplained, e.g., "French kids are less picky eaters" with no rationale as to why that might be the case. And I am still somewhat unclear as to why "Mexican siblings don't fight." (The explanation was a tad amorphous.)
Much of the research in the book apparently took place between 1955-1990, and that's great, but I feel as though there has been a huge cultural shift since that (very large) time period, in terms of technology to say the least; I would have been interested in reading about more current contrasting child-rearing practices.
Cultural bias is a fascinating topic and vis a vis child-rearing is even more interesting, but this particular book didn't do it for me. I was also left with the faint impression that I am, by looking my 10 month old in the face, picking him up when he asks for it, and showing him how things work, "spoiling" him...?
April 7, 2025
I thought it was a great book, but it's true that the questions in the title and subtitle were not really answered. I wasn't looking for the authors to say this is the one right way to parent, it's about drawing your own conclusions based on the fact that what we hear in American society is not the be-all end-all. But there were some things I wish they would have elaborated on. Some things where they clearly seemed to approve of The methods and the results of a certain practice in a certain culture, but they would only tell us the results, not the methods. For example, they talked multiple times about how Japanese parents co-sleep but how low mortality rates are, but they didn't explain how this was possible.
Overall, I think it's a great book for parents to read, especially new parents or parents that are prone to worrying about whether or not they're doing the right thing.
Overall, I think it's a great book for parents to read, especially new parents or parents that are prone to worrying about whether or not they're doing the right thing.
May 13, 2020
Good read for new parents and for everyone who is giving advice to new parents. One of the many challanges of parenting is how to deal with torrents of "expert advices" that comes your way involuentarily.
Although, mostly benign the advices are extremely confusing to navigate because everybody giving advice are always right. But you can't take them (except in some obvious cases) because not only the advice differ they are in complete contrary even sometimes with medical experts.
This book gives you comfort by reassuring kids are highly resilient, adaptive and mostly turn out good even in different style of upbringing.
Although, mostly benign the advices are extremely confusing to navigate because everybody giving advice are always right. But you can't take them (except in some obvious cases) because not only the advice differ they are in complete contrary even sometimes with medical experts.
This book gives you comfort by reassuring kids are highly resilient, adaptive and mostly turn out good even in different style of upbringing.
October 8, 2018
The book was interesting in places, but it tended to be repetitive at times and the authors spent a lot of time describing a relatively small number of societies that they had personally studied and less time on others, so it didn't feel comprehensive. They suggest that American parents are overly concerned with the details of child rearing, but they never really pulled together an argument that this was a bad thing, just that all societies do it differently.
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