A Certain Chemistry by Mil Millington
Hugh Mortimer always looked like a man who’d just returned to work from after an embarrassing surgical procedure. (10)
I’d had a big bowl of Sara’s spaghetti-and-clotted-cream stew before I came out, and it was lurching around in my stomach like a moderately sized live dog. (49)
You know how children gallop odd-legged—like Igor crossing Frankenstein’s laboratory carrying a torso—when they’re pretending they’re riding a horse? That’s how I was moving. (50)
“Cool. Let’s go, then.” She bounced off again. Where did she get this kind of springy energy? It wasn’t normal. She was like a woman in a tampon advert—she even had the white jeans on, for God’s sake. (52)
“I’d just prefer to pass on the whole fame business, thanks. Write the words, collect the check, buy a carpet. Fame’s just wrapping paper: a few seconds and then the wrapping paper’s in the bin.” (54)
I took the bus into town early and made my way up to Carlton Hill. My being late for our first meeting was a factor in making sure I was there ahead of time, but not the main one. It’s a steep walk up there, and when George arrived I wanted to be already at the top of the path, lounging nonchalantly against the railings like Marlon Brando leaning against the jukebox in The Wild One. Rather than appear on my hands and knees, gasping for air, like, um, well, Marlon Brando trying to walk up Carlton Hill, later in his career, I suppose. (64)
Edinburgh’s an extraordinarily spiky city. There’s little of the thudding, sterile blocks you see when you look out over many modern places. It looks more like the stalagmite-strewn floor of a cave: random and pointy and crystalline. (66)
“And thirty?”
“Aye, that’s special too,” she said.
“Though not as special as thirty-one—you don’t get to be another prime number for six years after that. That’s the kind of thing that really makes you take stock of your life.” (82)
A bit harsh, I thought. I am a writer, after all. I think about things deeply, and from various perspectives, day after day; it’s my job. It’s unavoidable that I’m going to be pretty damn insightful and sensitive—I’m a writer. (116)
The air became sticky, and the streets smelled like wet denim. (118)
I stopped my tidying and looked at her. She spooned the remainder of the trifle into a smaller bowl, each scoop coming up with the sound like a wellington boot being pulled out of the deep mud. When she’d finished, she too stopped and looked back at me. (138)
Screaming so loud, in fact, that it actually picked up on his mike as a scratchy, high-pitched squeal—like the sound of a terrified mouse being cast into hell. (164)
I started to consider this notion, but quickly switched to taking a bite of my sandwich. I wonder who first decided to cut sandwiches diagonally. I bet that at the time, when they first displayed their triangular slices to the stunned world, they were thought of as subversive, shocking, and antiestablishment. There were probably furious editorials in all the papers and, when the initial scandalous platters were carried in, men led their fainting wives from the room amid chaos and uproar. Now, of course, it’s a mark of the most twee kind of refinement—they’ve gone completely mainstream. Just like trousers arriving in respectable society—as an outrageous fashion that referenced the legwear of the French Revolutionary peasants—to appalled howls, and now being the norm. I bet diagonally cu sandwiches have an outlaw past. (230)
I ought to have said, “I’m staying right where I am, and phoning the police. Because you’re a fuck-witted, juvenile loser with grave self-esteem problems and I couldn’t give a shit what you or anyone else in the pub thinks. Moreover, I ridicule the implication that gay men are cowardly, and the fact that you reach for such stereotypes shows you are ignorant and prejudiced—possibly it’s even a smokescreen produced by the misplaced self-loathing you feel about your own, secret homosexuality.” However, George was there, so I replied, “Lead the fucking way, mate.” (240)
The quadriceps femoris is the Judas in your leg. (266)
“Obviously. But the bit of the story I’m kind of fishing for here is how you came to turn up at the door to the shop looking like you’d just done a triathlon while being gang-raped.” (275)
Amy topped up her Chianti. The wine sloshed in flamboyantly and s bit spilled over the edge of the glass. I watched it snake down the side, like a tear of blood.
Jesus—“like a tear of blood.” I’d actually thought that. When you find yourself thinking in the kind of similes that normally remain safely in the diaries of fourteen-year-old girls, then you know you’re in a bad way. “Like a tear of blood.” Jesus. (337)
His smiles and expansively open body language were ribbons and bows on a dog turd. (344)
What kind of miserable fucker must you be if Hugh is telling you to count your blessings? It was like being talked down from a ledge by Sylvia Plath. (355)
Even caked in antiperspirant, my armpits were like tiny tropical swamps. (359)