Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: The 49 Most Effective Methods to Stop Power Struggles, Build Communication, and Raise Empowered, Capable Kids

by Jane Nelsen, Mary Nelson Tamborski, Brad Ainge

Do you wish there was a way to raise well-behaved children without punishment? Are you afraid the only alternative is being overly indulgent? With Positive Discipline, an encouragement model based on both kindness and firmness, you don’t have to choose between these two extremes. Using these 49 Positive Discipline tools, honed and perfected after years of real-world research and feedback, you’ll be able to work with your children instead of against them. The goal isn’t perfection but providing you with the techniques you need to help your children develop the life and social skills you hope for them, such as respect for self and others, problem-solving ability, and self-regulation. The tenets of Positive Discipline consistently foster mutual respect so that any child—from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager—can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline without losing his or her dignity. In this new parenting guidebook, you’ll find day-to-day exercises for parents to improve their parenting skills, along with success stories from parents worldwide who have benefited from the Positive Discipline philosophy. With training tools and personal examples from the authors, you will ·         The “hidden belief” behind a child’s misbehavior, and how to respond accordingly·         The best way to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on the negative·         How to encourage your child without pampering or praising·         How to teach your child to make mistakes and follow through on agreements·         How to foster creative thinking

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Psychology, Family, Reference, Self Help

367 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 15, 2016

About the author

Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.

She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.

Reviews

[Arda Gezdur · Rating 4 out of 5]

1) be firm
2) encourage
3) no punishments or awards
4) "I love you and it is time for yyy"
5) connect before correcting
6) hug
7) dont talk about consequences, think about solutions
8) teach them how to do it, be patient and and encourage
9) Make quesedillas together
10) organize family meetings, start with compliments and accomplishments
11) love
12) kids do better when they feel better
13) give allowances but do not give money for daily routine housework

[Teo · Rating 2 out of 5]

2017.06.22–2017.06.29

Contains some good principles for interacting with children with their long-term well-being in mind, but I kind of regret listening to it all, because it was so full of anecdotes and repetition that I should’ve really rather skimmed it for the main points (which I suppose could be found from any extensive reviews of the positive discipline tools)—kind and firm; useful involvement; basic communication skills; ways to calm down; learning consequences, etc.

Contents

Nelsen J, Tamborski MN, & Ainge B (2016) (11:28) Positive Discipline Parenting Tools - The 49 Most Effective Methods to Stop Power Struggles, Build Communication, and Raise Empowered, Capable Kids

Introduction

01. The Basics
• Break the Code
• Take Time for Training
• Kind and Firm
• Connection Before Correction
• Encouragement
• Winning Cooperation

02. Parental Guidance
• Family Meetings
• Validate Feelings
• Decide What You Will Do
• Follow Through
• Letting Go

03. Making Mistakes
• Understand the Brain
• Positive Time-Out
• Mistakes Are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn
• 3 R’s of Recovery from Mistakes

04. How to Connect
• Special Time
• Show Faith
• Compliments
• Closet Listening

05. Solving Problems
• Problem Solving
• Follow Through After Agreements
• Ask for Help
• Focus on Solutions
• Wheel of Choice
• Curiosity Questions (Motivational)
• Avoid Pampering

06. Working Through It
• Hugs
• Eye to Eye
• Small Steps
• Encouragement Versus Praise
• Curiosity Questions (Motivational)
• Limited Choices

07. Practical Skills
• Allowances
• Jobs
• Limit Screen Time
• Routines

08. Less Is More
• Listen
• Pay Attention
• Act Without Words
• Silent Signals
• One Word

09. Consequences
• Logical Consequences
• Natural Consequences
• Put Kids in the Same Boat

10. Model Behavior
• Control Your Own Behavior
• Tone of Voice
• Don’t Back-Talk Back
• Sense of Humor
• Empower Your Kids

Acknowledgments
Contributors
References
Index
About the Authors

[Rodrigo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful.

[Megan Coleman · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Children should always be treated with dignity and respect, but it is especially discouraging to use punishment ith children who don't have the physical capacity to do what you are asking of them. Understanding inspires patience."

"When validate my children's feelings, it prevents me from thinking I need to fix the problem. I know that I feel validated when my friends or husband say, "I can relate to what you're saying and completely understand how you feel." Even if that doesn't solve the problem, it helps me feel better."

"Decide what you will do, instead of engaging in power struggles
1. Plan what you will do and notify in advance
2. Follow through on your plan with kindness and firmness."

"If you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through."

"There is a moral to this story: control your own behavior before you expect your children to control theirs It helps to remember the basic tool of connection before correction. When you use these two tools, kindness and firmness at the same time is a natural result, and you will be able to mean what you say without feeling guilty."

"1. Involve children in the problem- solving process. When children are involved in solutions, they have ownership and motivation to follow the plans they have helped create. 2. Involve children in the creation of a routine chart. 3. Let go by allowing children to experience natural or logical consequences. 4. Decide what you will do. Let your children know in advance what you plan to do. If you mean it, say it, and if you say it, follow through. 5. Ignore the temptation to become involved in a power struggle or revenge cycle. Children often show their need for independence by resisting when you won't let go. 6. Things may get worse before they get better."

"1. Do not try to solve a problem when you or your child is upset 2. Wait until after a cooling-off period (a positive time-out), when you can both access your rational brains. 3. Putting the problem on the family meeting agenda (or asking your child to) is another way to allow for a cooling-off period."

"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that we have to make children feel bad before they will do better? This crazy idea is the basis for all punishment, including punitive time-out. It doesn't work for children any more than it would work for adults.
If you are married, imagine your spouse coming to you and saying, "I don't like your behavior. Go to your room until you can act better." In this scenario, what would you be thinking, feeling, and deciding? Would you say, "Oh, thank you so much. This is so helpful. Im feeling encouraged and empowered."

"See mistakes as opportunities for learning
1. Respond to mistakes with compassion and kindness instead of shame, blame, or lectures. 2. When appropriate, use curiosity questions to help your child explore the consequences of her mistakes.
3. During dinnertime, invite everyone to share a mistake they made during the day and what they learned from it."

"3 R'S OF RECOVERY FROM MISTAKES
Perfection never exists in reality, but only in our dreams. --Rudolf Dreikurs
Making mistakes isn't as important as what we do about them. Use these steps after you have had a chance to cool off.
1. Recognize your mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.
2. Reconcile by apologizing
3. Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution."

"Three principles of the showing faith tool:
1. Instead of rescuing, lecturing, or fixing, say, "I have faith in you. I know you can handle this." 2. Children develop their problem- solving skills and "disappointment muscles" through experiences 3. Validate feelings: "I know you are upset. I would be too."

"CLOSET LISTENING
Hang out with your kids and don't force conversation by asking questions, They might start talking
1. During the week, take time to sit quietly near your kids.
2. If they ask what you want, say, "I just wanted to hang out with you for a few minutes."
3. If they talk, just listen without judging, defending, or explaining
4. If they don't talk, just enjoy their company."

"TOOL TIPS
1. Find times to hang out with your kids with no agenda in mind except enjoying their company- not even the agenda of hoping they will talk with you.
2. Make a conscious effort to avoid starting a conversation. Just be available
3. Practice until you can be comfortable with silence if that is all that happens.
4. If your child does start talking, "Oh' is a response that may invite your child to provide more information. " Anything else?" is another invitation for more sharing."

And here was my lesson: I can't make my kids be understanding, kind, lay the or respectful. I can groundwork, teach them, and model the best I can. Also, I have to be okay with them failing, and have faith that they are learning something in the process, just as I did.
- Marcilie Smith Boyle, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer
TOOL TIPS
1. Take time to teach brainstorming-and to have fun with wild and crazy ideas as well as practical and respectful ideas.
2. After brainstorming, involve children in eliminating the suggestions that are not practical, respectful, and helpful.
3. Kids are more likely to follow solutions they have helped create."

"TOOL TIPS
1. Let your highest goal be to provide opportunities for your children to feel capable and learn the inner joy of contribution.
2. Be aware of the beliefs children form when they are given opportunities to feel capable- and the beliefs they form when too much is done for them
3. Children usually respond to sincere requests for help
4. Even when children resist contributing at first, they are left with a feeling of capability and accomplishment when they do."

"HELP FROM 7- AND 9-YEAR-OLDS • Help creating grocery lists • Help with preparation of meals • Folding and putting laundry away • Bringing up trash cans from the bottom of the driveway • Cleaning their rooms (this one requires the use of many Positive Discipline tools) • Clearing dishes at mealtimes Unloading dishwasher • • Vacuuming • Sweeping leaves • Wrapping gifts for birthday parties."

"HELP FROM 2-YEAR-OLDS • Buckling their car seat (or at least trying to) • Stirring the mix for muffins (even cracking the eggs) • Getting themselves dressed, starting with pajamas (they likely need help with zippers, buttons and snaps) • Clearing their dishes from the table • Putting toys away • Pushing buttons on washer and dryer • Folding laundry (starting with washcloths and socks) • Pushing the stroller (or at least attempting)"

"CURIOSITY QUESTIONS (MOTIVATIONAL)
Stimulate children to find solutions. Don't tell them. --Rudolf Dreikurs
Asking instead of telling invites children to think and to feel capable,
1. "What do you need to do to be ready for school on time?" 2. "Oops! What do you need to do about the spilled milk?" 3. "How can you and your brother solve this problem?" 4. "What do you need to take if you don't want to be cold outside?" 5. "What is your plan for getting your homework done?"

"Telling creates physiological tension in the body, and the message that is sent to the brain is "resist." No wonder children don't listen or obey On the other hand, hearing respectful and sincere question (an "asking" statement) creates physiological relaxation, and the message that is sent to the brain is "search for an answer." When children are searching for an answer, they feel respected and capable and are more
likely to feel motivated to cooperate."

"Teach self-reliance instead of dependence on others. Encouragement invites self-evaluation. Praise invites children to become "approval junkies." Examples:
Praise: "I am so proud of you. Here is your reward."
Encouragement: "You worked hard. You must be so proud of yourself."
Praise: "You are such a good girl." Encouragement: "Thank you for helping."

"My first thought is a quote from Toni Morrison: "Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room? I decided to focus on lighting up when my kids walk into the room. What could be more encouraging than that?"

"PAY ATTENTION
Are your children getting the impression that they are not important?
If we are to have better children, parents must become better educators. --Rudolf Dreikurs
1. Put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you could do. 2. Don't forget to schedule special time. 3. Remember what Toni Morrison said: "Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?"

[Mary Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to everyone! I really appreciated the part on creating an open negotiation with your child for things that are important to them, such as screen time or sending text messages. I also liked the two ideas you can post at home to help everyone get along -- "Are we looking for blame, or are we looking for solutions?" and "Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn." I want to post these somewhere my kids can see them everyday. Definitely going to implement the idea of a weekly family meeting to address issues and seek solution to family needs, problems, and goals. This book is on audible and I found that my kids paid attention to it while in the car which was good for them too.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I’ve read; it feels very close to our philosophy but with a lot of practical suggestions for improvement. I’ve tried a few techniques and already had better results (for both him and my own state of mind).

[Pap Lőrinc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, what a great book about non-aggressive, effective communication!

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found "Positive Discipline Parenting Tools" to be really informative and helpful. It's like a textbook that lays out potential behaviors, the underlying concerns, and ways to handle them with your children. The goal here is to stay away from punishments/rewards (external validations) and instead focus on internal validations. The most helpful parts of the books were the "Success Story" sections which lay out clearly an example of the behavior and how it was resolved with using positive discipline. It is really more about training oneself to react differently in the face of conflict/struggle in a way that enables children and resolves the issue. Please note that I received an ARC from a goodreads giveaway. All opinions are my own.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caveat: I totally skimmed this book.

The high rating is because each section had a good, simple less to teach me about how to be both firm and positive. The book reaffirmed the idea behind positive discipline, that kids aren't intentionally misbehaving to drive us nuts. They're tiny kids with unfinished brains and lots of competing drives. I've tried to stop calling my tots "little stinkers" and remember that they do want to please me-- they just also really really want to touch that thing they aren't supposed to touch. I made photocopies of many of the new section pages to remember those principles. The rest was mostly so-so stories of examples from readers.

It's not really 49 helpful methods, so much as 49 principles. No handy "do this when this," unless you count the chart in the front.

[Julianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the book helpful and several of the methods effective. If nothing else, I am a calmer mother, which has to be a good thing. I like this approach because it seems to be more long-term goal oriented (self sufficient children/humans capable of making good decisions for good reasons) and less punitive (controlling behavior based on fear of punishment). If only there was some way to have children learn decision making skills AND be blindly obedient.

[Kelli Bonin · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. The tools are so practical and logical. They are backed with research but are written out plainly. I did skip quite a bit of this particular version of “Positive Discipline” - I didn’t feel the need to read all of the examples given by all of the different contributors. I am interested to read Dreikur’s book now, his quotes were my favorite.

[Andres · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Methods seem counterintuitive until you try them. Very effective tools. This book shows you a new way to connect with your children. I have implemented several strategies and was pleasantly surprised. I am looking forward to raising my kid with a new outlook and welcome the challenges.

[Karlie Endemano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the whole concept and learned a ton of techniques to use with my toddlers such as being firm and kind and focusing on helping them come up with a solution to the problem.

So many useful tips and how to implement them! I admire the values it has and the purpose of helping your children be independent and learn life skills by the way we love and parent them!

[Karla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Without flipping your lid, find ways to make the child empowered- feel confident and secure. Having special time- connected to the child (children) who is capable to contribute. Security means a lot. It was a feel good read, but not a whole lotta strategies.

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. I love all the examples. Sometimes I find these types of books frusterating becuase it's hard to implement when you have to kids freaking out at the same time. But lots of examples in this book were of families with multiple kids.

[Thomas Ziegelbecker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of practical advise based on a bit of explanation and multiple stories. Easy to understand and comprehend.

The main idea behind positive discipline is to find the balance between being too permissive or strict.

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up. I think what gave this book worth was that it wasn’t just a variation of every other parenting book. Mixed in with some of the usual, sound advice were some unique ideas (take them or leave them) with plenty of examples on how to implement it in your own home.

[Gloria Byrd]

DNF at 7%.
This is for parents. I was reading this for ABA and potentially having future kids. It does not seem to have a strong scientific basis, and I am doubtful of its validity. It’s more like a workbook.

[GW · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 star advice and tips. Could have cut out many of the testimonials though.

[AnnARegina Enyedi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm glad I had the chance to read it and I'm looking forward to reading it again. Because it is life-changing!

[Tammy Lyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found some useful strategies

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of great ideas in this book that I'm going to try to implement slowly. Too much to do all at once.

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of useful anecdotal examples of using positive discipline.

[Camilo Gomez · Rating 2 out of 5]

The principles are very good, but the book is full of repetitive anecdotes....

[Valter Muniz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. Very practical and easy to read.

[Jaycee VanWagoner · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most helpful parenting books I've read to date.

[Epifania Rita Gallina · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book

[Yu Kuo · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing book! Offer a practical and super actionable ways to resolve conflict with kids without yelling and power struggle.

Key takeaway from the book
- Connection before correction (validating feelings to connect with kids)
- Encouragement instead of praising (create self-motivation rather than external rewards)
- Control your own behavior (if you cannot control your own behavior, you cannot expect your kids to control theirs)

Both theories and examples are provided in the book. I learned not only why but also how to solve these problems. Many inspirations and notes were taken on why kids are thinking and behaving in this way and how shall I handle such situations.

An absolute lifesaver for any parent who wants to stop yelling, threatening, and external rewards; instead want to raise collaboration, self-regulation and intrinsic motivation for the kids.

[Roger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely from the best books I have read that can transform and enhance families' lives!
Parenting can be very challenging, we use to react to misbehavior, and it takes incorporate new skills and attitudes to learn for both children and parents. By reading this book, you will clearly understand your reactions and the child behavior at a deeper level, and find solutions together. You will grasp the benefits of practicing the Positive Discipline parenting model with their basic philosophy of giving up punishment and emphasize kindness and firmness that motivates children to do better, also by teaching your children skills for life, so you can live more harmoniously and improve your relationship. This book provides 41 tools that are designed to be empowering and encouraging, to help children find belonging and significance in socially useful ways. The success stories and tooltips at the end of each tool are very illustrative, helping to better ground the information by creating a bridge between theory and the facts. The transmission of information is by an expert in the field, and you can feel the dedication and love invested in this work. Every family and child is unique, it is important to find what works for you.
Disclaimer: My gratitude to NetGalley, I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Justin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this book, for free, in exchange for an honest review.

I agreed with most of this book. However, I didn't find much that jumped out to me as new or particularly useful. That being said, I have read several dozen books on this topic so your mileage may vary.

Additionally, there was one point in the book that I particularly liked. This point was about not expecting a child to be able to do a new task just because you ask them to (please pardon me paraphrasing this point as I am pulling this from my memory and not the book). The book proposes that first you show your child, then you observe them, and finally you let them do it on their own. In retrospect this seems pretty obvious, but I have to imagine there are times I assume my daughter is "misbehaving" when she just doesn't understand what we want as we have never showed her. For example, perhaps the reason she rarely puts her toys completely away is that she has never seen what an exemplary job is. Of course she could just be a normal 4 year old and maybe I am expecting too much. Regardless, I will try to demonstrate things a few times before getting upset