Becoming Grandma: The Joys and Science of the New Grandparenting

by Lesley Stahl

The New York Times BestsellerFrom one of the country’s most recognizable How becoming a grandmother transforms a woman’s life.  After four decades as a reporter, Lesley Stahl’s most vivid and transformative experience of her life was not covering the White House, interviewing heads of state, or researching stories at 60 Minutes. It was becoming a grandmother. She was hit with a jolt of joy so intense and unexpected, she wanted to “investigate” it—as though it were a news flash. And so, using her 60 Minutes skills, she explored how grandmothering changes a woman’s life, interviewing friends like Whoopi Goldberg, colleagues like Diane Sawyer (and grandfathers, including Tom Brokaw), as well as the proverbial woman next door.Along with these personal accounts, Stahl speaks with scientists and doctors about physiological changes that occur in women when they have grandchildren; anthropologists about why there are grandmothers, in evolutionary terms; and psychiatrists about the therapeutic effects of grandchildren on both grandmothers and grandfathers.Throughout Becoming Grandma, Stahl shares stories about her own life with granddaughters Jordan and Chloe, about how her relationship with her daughter, Taylor, has changed, and about how being a grandfather has affected her husband, Aaron.In an era when baby boomers are becoming grandparents in droves and when young parents need all the help they can get raising their children, Stahl’s book is a timely and affecting read that redefines a cherished relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Parenting, Adult, Audiobook, Autobiography

279 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 12, 2016

Reviews

[Heather Stewart · Rating 1 out of 5]

What I learned from this book - Stahl is an arrogant, non-realistic, selfish women. Honestly, I only read about 50 pages I was so disgusted with her views I could not read any more. Stahl states to her daughter, " ...you're going to breast-feed? Really? [I think] we had to prove we could do our jobs as well as -and just like- the men. They didn't breast-feed; we didn't breast-feed." As her daughter first struggles to breast-feed and seeks out a lactation consultant, she states "Ha! I thought. Taylor is calm and centered because I used a bottle!" I am proud of her daughter for not listening to her mom and continued to breast-feed. Some of her other ideas were to hire a maid, nanny, AND a financial assistant to help organize and pay their personal finances so Taylor could go back to her career and life. These are just a sample of her views; I was so appalled by what she openly admitted in her book. To Stahl, I must say - every day Grandma's cannot take their grandchildren to an Easter egg hunt to the White House - that is when I gave up!

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fabulous book about the joys of being a grandparent and a lot of other information. She is, after all, a journalist, so you know she's going to do some research and expand on her main theme. I loved every minute of it. And it validated how besotted I am with my grandchildren, which felt wonderful! Can you believe Lesley Stahl is 80 now? You go girl!

[Cherie O'Boyle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sweet. Yes, this is exactly how it feels to hold your grandchild for the first time. Exactly how the love flows every time you see them. The depth of the emotional connection, the wish to give, the joy in sharing, all described beautifully in this story.

This story is also naive. Even in the midst of their adoring, grandparents must never be so naive as to think “she’s mine.” Your grandchildren are not yours. In the eyes of the law, children are the property of their parents, in the same way the parents own a car or a dog. And parents have the legal right to cut the connection between grandparents and grandchildren at any time, for any reason, or even for no reason, just because they can. Parents can, and do, tell the children anything about why they no longer see their grandparents. Stahl disappoints in not including more about this outrageous behavior being inflicted on more loving grandparents and grandchildren every day. People in positions of influence could do so much more to help.

I love my grandchildren, and I hope they know how much, but I have not seen them in five years and we were never given a chance to say goodbye, so how could they? My only hope is that someday, when they become people instead of property, they will find me. Nothing will ever restore the growing up years we lost. I only want a last chance to tell them that I love them.

[Darla · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a lot of things -- a memoir of Lesley's experience of becoming a grandmother; grandparent trends around the world including her peers, anecdotes from her work as a journalist and finally a call to arms for grandparents everywhere.

The parts describing grandparents who are excluded from the grandchildren's lives to be particularly frightening as I am now a grandparent myself. I am in a different generation from Lesley, though and had a very different childrearing experience so did not relate to her perspective as well as some might.

Interesting read, but not particularly earthshattering.

[Jan Rice]

I requested this book as a gift, then couldn't--or didn't--read it. You should help your grandchildren. I get it! Enough already! 😵

Don't misunderstand. I'm very happy and grateful to have them. 😊

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Leslie Stahl was my inspiration for majoring in broadcast journalism, so I knew I’d love her book. We are not yet grandparents but grandparents-to-be in a few months I lopped up the science and joy like Dasani in the desert. I can’t wait to put it all into practice as my baby has her first baby!

[Joan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating book! It gave me lots to think about. Bottom line: I'm going to make damn sure I keep on excellent terms with my daughter in law (Darn if I know what to call her. They likely won't get married but she is really my daughter in law, never mind the legal stuff). Luckily, I love her, so that won't be hard to do, I don't think! Apparently there is a biological change that takes place in a woman's body when handed a grandbaby. You fall in love with that little person and apparently will do just about anything to keep in contact with the grandchild. Apparently a lot of mothers keep the grandmother on limited contact with the grandchildren. Hopefully what goes around, comes around for me. I made damn sure that my former in laws had access to my kids. Kids need their grandparents! Hopefully karma will result in me having a great relationship with any hypothetical grandchild/ren.

While the book seems rather negative on the subject of grandmothers and access to grandkids, it did seem very good otherwise. Lesley Stahl clearly did her research on the subject. Not that that is a surprise. After all, her entire career has been based on research! ≈
While I found some of it upsetting....the lack of access....I did find the book very interesting in a very personal way. I found myself looking at what she said she was doing with the grandkids to give myself hints on what to do someday!

I highly recommend this book to all grandmothers-to-be as well as all mothers-to-be. Grandfathers are mentioned (positively) but the focus is definitely on the grandmother.

[Margie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was given this book by my sister when my first grandchild was born. Loved it!! I found myself nodding my head agreeing with things that the author was writing. Stahl has done research regarding grandchildren and their "healing" powers for grandparents that was fantastic to read. The feelings that grandchildren bring to their grandparents are what I look forward to the most. One story Stahl told about Hope Meadows was eye-opening and incredible. There ARE a lot of good people in the world trying to help others along the way.

This is a wonderful book and highly recommend it even if you don't have grandkids!

[Jessica Gottlieb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a surprisingly relevant and a lovely read. I am not a grandmother nor am I in any danger of being one soon, but I think that what the author describes is uniquely human and a good read for anyone who is close to their family or wants to be.

I also selfishly love to getting a glimpse into such a powerful smart woman's career and family life.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read--such a mix of her personal Grandma experience and her research as a reporting. Grandparents are not just the biological version--such an important role for young people. Also learned some tips as I am entering this phase. :-)

[Lorraine McCleary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the overview of grandparenting and how it has changed thru time. The author is over the top about her own grandkids as she had little time for parenting when she was a super star journalist-but that is all in the story too-how things are changing and how grandparents really need to step up to help working couples. As a grandparent moving to provide full time care for my daughter in law and son who are time and money challenged medical residents, it made me feel I wasn't being crazy or alone.

[Ryan Harrietha · Rating 1 out of 5]

Im a soon to be mom and I gave this book to my mom thinking it would be a good way for her to learn about the transition from mom to grandma.

This book actually just told her to spend all her money on the grandkid, take them on vacations and spoil them rotten.

First this is not geared towards people who are your everyday average person with bills, debt and other expenses.

Second, I do not want my child to just be spoiled. I obviously am providing for them but having someone tell us that to be a grandmother means just spending money on them is not, in my opinion, the way to go.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to the publisher and Goodreads for sharing a copy of this book via a Goodreads giveaway. This book was quite enjoyable: it read as part memoir, and part research and data supported by anecdotes from folks that Lesley Stahl associated with or otherwise interviewed for this book. It was enlightening for those who will someday become grandmothers or grandfathers - sharing both the good and the bad. Well done!

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sunny, spirited book about becoming and growing into the perfect grandmother based on news celebrity Lesley Stahl's experience with her own grandkids. Lots of helpful and enlightening advice, but clearly aimed at the upscale and educated woman. The book includes anecdotes from well-known women in powerful positions besotted by the offspring of their own offspring.

[Margie Mack · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was really pleasantly surprised in this book by "Lesley Stahl." Being a grandma has to be one of the most enjoyable roles a woman can fulfill. I found myself laughing and shaking my head in agreement on what she had gone through and how she felt! What a great gift from my family!

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful and I appreciated Lesley Stahl's journalistic approach to the topic of grandparenting. I must read for baby boomers who are now the grandparents. I keep distributing copies of this book to friends.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty basic book about how awesome being a grandparent is. I hoped for more of the "science" stuff and less personal stories, but it was interesting to hear how so many of Lesley Stahl's big news colleagues seemed to realize the value of family a generation late, when they had grandchildren.

[Vivian Witkind · Rating 2 out of 5]

Light and sweet. Thank goodness my daughter-in-law is nothing like those discussed. I was disappointed to find out that oxytocin helps you fall in love with your grandchild. A chemical reaction seems an insufficient explanation.

[Ada-Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, even though I'm not a grandparent! I can't wait to hear Lesley Stahl speak at Book & Author this week.

[Mary Kovarik · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the most satisfying reads I have ever had.

[Rose Fajans · Rating 1 out of 5]

Author is so full of herself that she thinks a week here and a week there is really grandparenting

Real subject: how great Lesley Stahl is

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can't say that I learned anything new.. and I don't know that there is a 'science' to the new grandparenting.. joys for sure.. and a justification of the magic that grandchildren bring to our lives.

[Gail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lesley Stahl’s “Becoming Grandma” has an identity problem. There’s no doubt in my mind that the veteran journalist wrote this interesting and often lovely little book as a memoir lightly sprinkled with references to science and anecdotes related by “girlfriends and colleagues.” Unfortunately, somewhere along the way—most notably in the subtitle “Science of the New Grandparenting” and the chapter on Hope Meadows, “a planned community in Rantoul, Illinois, created for the sole purpose of rescuing children who were abused”—the project acquired a veneer of serious reporting.

Once that happened, even Stahl’s repeated concessions—like “my small sampling” and “my admittedly unscholarly survey”—as well as nods to “income inequality” can’t defend the book from the criticism that it draws sweeping generalizations from interviews with a narrow subset of humanity and two controversial sources (work on “innate” gender difference by Louann Brizendine, “whose books and conversations were central to [Stahl’s] education,” have been labeled “junk science” by some, and Wednesday Martin has been accused of blurring the lines between fact and fiction in her social scientific pursuits). Case in point: referencing tabloids and advice blogs works fine for a memoir, but not so well for serious nonfiction.

Accepting these caveats as table stakes and reading the book as primarily one of personal reflection, however, leaves much to enjoy. Stahl says of becoming a grandparent: “I was at a time in my life where I assumed I had already had my best day, my tallest high. But now I was overwhelmed with euphoria [similar to that generated by] … romantic and carnal love.”

She tells, with satisfying name-dropping and an almost unerring eye for relatability, tales of her own grandparenthood and the larger issues they implicate. Things like being part of the “sandwich generation” caring both for aging parents and new grandchildren, dealing with in-laws (“We find ourselves having to share the new center of our life with basically strangers”), and how perplexing her cohort of “have-it-all” women finds modern parents (noting “how much more engaged and eager-beaverly women today are about motherhood than I was”).

Stahl also speaks at length about grandparents like her feeling controlled and regulated: "We grans begin holding our tongues. We turn passive, lest we irk or antagonize. We see clearly that they hold a new card, the power to deny us access to the most precious thing on earth. So we enter a new precinct of best behavior and walking on eggshells. We live by their rules now, and rule number one is: Do it their way."

This can sometimes feel awfully crotchety, like when she writes, “Before I could hold Chloe, I had to sanitize my hands—on Taylor’s orders. I really do wonder how on earth my daughter survived all the germs I carried, the wine I drank when I was pregnant and the general carelessness I subjected her to.” That said, it’s often done in a self-aware way (“‘We’re becoming fussbudgets’”) and Stahl employs her formidable powers of perception to level with the reader: actually, she says, the younger generation doing anything differently “feels like a reprimand.”

Stahl tries to strike an objective tone when discussing issues of intergenerational strife: "I am issuing a call to arms to all grandparents: If you’re not already pitching in, start now; become actively engaged in your grandchildren’s lives…. I’m also calling on parents of young children who are denying or curtailing grandparent access: ease up (except in cases of egregious physical or mental abuse). It’s time to be forgiving. Swallow hard, if that’s what it takes, 'for the sake of the children.'”

Ultimately, though, the book is one written by a grandmother about grandparenting and as such it slants toward the older generation’s perspective. That said, it contains many reflections on life as a working mother that will make parents feel understood at the same time they’re being asked to stretch: "During the following summer in Nantucket, I grabbed any chance to be with [my granddaughter]. I would drop whatever I was doing, gladly. I’d give up a nap or stop reading the papers. I hadn’t been like that with [my daughter]. Back in those days I was never ever free just to simply, uncomplicatedly love my kid. Work intruded on her time, or she was intruding on my reading or my sleep. As a mother, I lived with teeth grinding and stomach turbulence from worrying about [her], my job, my husband’s depression, the bills, my parents, [her] piano lessons, my boss looking at me funny. My emotional neighborhood was an overcrowded tenement. I felt trapped; I was in a fight against an urge to unshackle."

Stahl waxes downright philosophic about how grandparenthood differs: "[We’re] playmates with our grandchildren versus the policewomen we were with our own kids…. [D]uring parenthood, [our feelings are] burdened with responsibility and fear, and lack of sleep. Grandparent love is unfettered, uncomplicated…. [W]ith grandchildren there is no weariness that competes with the elation and joy of being with them."

As a parent of three young children, I found these words reassuring. Maybe we don’t need to feel guilt about not slowing down to smell roses with our kids, maybe that’s just not our role right now. Along these lines Stahl offers up a fascinating thought: Because contentment bottoms out around our thirties and forties, she says, “[B]abies are being raised by people in the unhappiest phase of their lives. Which makes it all the more important that we happy, satisfied zikna step in.”

Though “Becoming Grandma” isn't perfect—with the organization slipping and repetition in the back half—many grandparents, especially those of Stahl's socioeconomic standing, will find much to love, and parents like me will find a number of true gems of expression and point of view.

[Siri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good laughs and definitely ringing true.

[Cathi Kulik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not what I expected...in a good way! Ms. Stahl looks at being a grandparent from an investigative reporter point of view. (Did you know scientific studies have been done on physical changes that happen when one becomes a grandparent????) Funny, heartwarming, interesting read.

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked that Leslie wrote the book through research like she was doing a 60 Minutes story. There were enough personal antidotes but research to back up some of what she was sharing.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book because I could identify, as a grandmother, the experiences and emotions we feel as we enjoy the “dessert of life,” our grandchildren.

[Linda Thompson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. Love being a grandmother!

[M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thoroughly enjoyable book about becoming a grandma--or a grandpa--or a step-grandma--or even a substitute grandparent. Lesley Stahl comes from a much more privileged life than most grandparents but she writes in a way that encapsulates the much of the universality of grandparent experiences. Most of the experiences are good; some are not. There is a chapter on generational conflict, mostly between the paternal grandparents and daughters-in-law but with other family members as well. There is a chapter on the importance of grandfathers and another about step-grandmothers. Hope Meadows is discussed in detail, a planned neighborhood whose focus is adults taking in children who need loving homes living next door or across the street from older adults who function as adopted grandparents for whichever children want to be part of their lives. It's not random--all adults are carefully selected and there are classes to teach them how to better interact with their new families.
I wish all grandparents had the money and the time to fly out to visit their grandchildren living far away. Many, perhaps most, do not. However, despite differences in various families' circumstances, there is much in her interactions with her husband, her adult daughter and son-in-law, and her two granddaughters that most grandparents will find familiar.
The book is a combination of memoir and careful research. I didn't find it jarring although I understand that some other readers do. There is an emotional warmth in the writing that I think is universally appealing.

[Judy · Rating 5 out of 5]

With her typical honesty, my mother remarked to me more than once that while she loved her seven grandchildren, she found her relationships with me and my sister more interesting and fulfilling. In this delightful and very accessible book, Stahl addresses these two perspectives using rich examples and quotations.

I became a grandmother fifteen years ago, when I was 54. I wasn't ready for the role, as I was still immersed in my teaching career and was trying to help my two younger children navigate through the throes of late adolescence and early adulthood. Our first grandchild, Daniel, was a few hours old when I met him in a Colorado hospital room. His parents had asked me to fly out and help for a week. It was an awkward experience: I didn't sleep well, and my daughter in law and I barely knew one another. As the years have passed, I have grown into my identity as "Grammy," and love and admire Daniel enormously for his independence, intellect, humor, and his strength through his parents' divorce. I have also remained close to Daniel's mom and my son.

Stahl covers so much territory in her book: her husband's chronic illness; the parenting and grandparenting experiences of friends, some of whom are famous; the ways that grandparenting changed her and her husband. Having seen her on television as an insightful and articulate reporter for many years, it was interesting to read about her as a mother and grandmother, and to see the many photographs of her and her family. She was not afraid to include times of conflict between her and her daughter or times when her older granddaughter threw tantrums.

Grandparenting is so much fun, and we love to talk to our 5 grandchildren and received photos and phone calls from them. Playing games and reading to them are such a treat! However, I do have to say, in my heart of hearts, that I agree with Mother.....being Mom to my four children was, after marrying their dad, the highlight of my life.