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Our Tiny, Useless Hearts
Henry has ended his marriage to Caroline and headed off to Noosa with Mercedes’ grade three teacher, Martha.
Caroline, having shredded a wardrobe-full of Henry’s suits, has gone after them.
Craig and Lesley have dropped over briefly from next door to catch up on the fallout from Henry and Caroline’s all-night row.
And Janice, Caroline’s sister, is staying for the weekend to look after the girls because Janice is the sensible one. A microbiologist with a job she loves, a fervent belief in the beauty of the scientific method and a determination to make a solo life after her divorce from Alec.
Then Craig returns through the bedroom window expecting a tryst with Caroline and finds Janice in her bed, Lesley storms in with a jealous heart and a mouthful of threats, Henry, Caroline and Martha arrive back from the airport in separate taxis—and let’s not even get started on Brayden the pizza guy.
Janice can cope with all that. But when Alec knocks on the door things suddenly get complicated.
Harnessing the exquisite timing of the great comedies to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous, Toni Jordan brings all her wit, wisdom and flair to this brilliant, hilarious novel.
Caroline, having shredded a wardrobe-full of Henry’s suits, has gone after them.
Craig and Lesley have dropped over briefly from next door to catch up on the fallout from Henry and Caroline’s all-night row.
And Janice, Caroline’s sister, is staying for the weekend to look after the girls because Janice is the sensible one. A microbiologist with a job she loves, a fervent belief in the beauty of the scientific method and a determination to make a solo life after her divorce from Alec.
Then Craig returns through the bedroom window expecting a tryst with Caroline and finds Janice in her bed, Lesley storms in with a jealous heart and a mouthful of threats, Henry, Caroline and Martha arrive back from the airport in separate taxis—and let’s not even get started on Brayden the pizza guy.
Janice can cope with all that. But when Alec knocks on the door things suddenly get complicated.
Harnessing the exquisite timing of the great comedies to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous, Toni Jordan brings all her wit, wisdom and flair to this brilliant, hilarious novel.
288 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2016
37 people are currently reading
779 people want to read
About the author
Toni Jordan
24 books270 followershttps://www.tonijordan.com/
https://www.facebook.com/authortonijo...
Toni Jordan has worked as a molecular biologist, quality control chemist, TAB operator and door-to-door aluminium siding salesperson.
She is the author of six novels including the international bestseller Addition, which was longlisted for the Miles Franklin Award, Nine Days, which was awarded Best Fiction at the 2012 Indie Awards and was named in Kirkus Review's top 10 Historical Novels of 2013, and Our Tiny, Useless Hearts, which was longlisted for the International Dublin Literary Award.
Toni has been published widely in newspapers and magazines.
She holds a Bachelor of Science in physiology and a PhD in Creative Arts.
Toni lives in Melbourne.
https://www.facebook.com/authortonijo...
Toni Jordan has worked as a molecular biologist, quality control chemist, TAB operator and door-to-door aluminium siding salesperson.
She is the author of six novels including the international bestseller Addition, which was longlisted for the Miles Franklin Award, Nine Days, which was awarded Best Fiction at the 2012 Indie Awards and was named in Kirkus Review's top 10 Historical Novels of 2013, and Our Tiny, Useless Hearts, which was longlisted for the International Dublin Literary Award.
Toni has been published widely in newspapers and magazines.
She holds a Bachelor of Science in physiology and a PhD in Creative Arts.
Toni lives in Melbourne.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 183 reviews
August 7, 2016
This was a fun book. I straight away picked up the witty banter, Aussie style, which reminded me strongly of my favourite show The Gilmore Girls. Witty, clever (too clever), very smooth banter (too smooth), but mostly fun and self-deprecating humour.
I turned off The Gilmore Girls a little after the very talented producer was replaced. It was noticeable. It was too wordy to the point the believability was too forced. This was similar here but a fiction book is different, it's easier to suspend belief whilst reading, as opposed to watching.
My favourite characters hands-down here were Alec and Janice. Janice ends up in her sister’s house unwittingly finding out her sister is sleeping with someone she shouldn’t be. Her sister’s husband is commencing an affair with their daughter’s teacher, and Janice runs into her ex-husband visiting the house to discover he has stayed in contact with the family for two years since the divorce. Why exactly, she asks herself, did she divorce the perfect man that is Alec. It’s characters like these that I fall in love with, even just a little.
Thus begins a train-wreck of a weekend where all inhabitants reflect on their failings and adulteries. It’s very over the top with wittiness (meant to be), they simply couldn’t be accepting of all this drama so easily, but It’s done in fun. Irreverent and charmingly chaotic! This lady can write. Oh, nearly forgot, Liane Moriarty added a comment on the front cover. Great Australian writers, the both of them!
If you like fun and maybe even if you think your life has too much drama, this might be right up your alley.
But I do recommend the author's debut Addition, I ADORED this book. I think Toni Jordan is the queen of quirk, and how good is that?!
I turned off The Gilmore Girls a little after the very talented producer was replaced. It was noticeable. It was too wordy to the point the believability was too forced. This was similar here but a fiction book is different, it's easier to suspend belief whilst reading, as opposed to watching.
My favourite characters hands-down here were Alec and Janice. Janice ends up in her sister’s house unwittingly finding out her sister is sleeping with someone she shouldn’t be. Her sister’s husband is commencing an affair with their daughter’s teacher, and Janice runs into her ex-husband visiting the house to discover he has stayed in contact with the family for two years since the divorce. Why exactly, she asks herself, did she divorce the perfect man that is Alec. It’s characters like these that I fall in love with, even just a little.
Thus begins a train-wreck of a weekend where all inhabitants reflect on their failings and adulteries. It’s very over the top with wittiness (meant to be), they simply couldn’t be accepting of all this drama so easily, but It’s done in fun. Irreverent and charmingly chaotic! This lady can write. Oh, nearly forgot, Liane Moriarty added a comment on the front cover. Great Australian writers, the both of them!
If you like fun and maybe even if you think your life has too much drama, this might be right up your alley.
But I do recommend the author's debut Addition, I ADORED this book. I think Toni Jordan is the queen of quirk, and how good is that?!
November 5, 2017
Hmm ...
This started it out okay, but then it had to turn ridiculous. The situations were unbelievable, the characters exaggerated and I couldn't care less for any of them.
I was made to believe this was funny, which was exactly what I was after, but I didn't even smile.
I can't lie, this book was one big fat disappointment, especially given my high expectations.
This started it out okay, but then it had to turn ridiculous. The situations were unbelievable, the characters exaggerated and I couldn't care less for any of them.
I was made to believe this was funny, which was exactly what I was after, but I didn't even smile.
I can't lie, this book was one big fat disappointment, especially given my high expectations.
February 10, 2021
Oh where do I even start bashing this book?
It started out great, absolutely loved Janice, who is a microbiologist and how the author narrated in the very beginning. We are introduced to Henry and Caroline, Janice's older sister and brother-in-law who by the way is leaving Caroline after fifteen years of their marriage and two girls, Mercedes and Paris. Janice tries to sort things between them but all her efforts amount to nothing and no one takes her advise seriously since she is divorced herself and hence disqualified to offer any advise on relationships and marriages.
But when Henry leaves to be with his now girlfriend, Martha, who happens to be Mercedes' teacher Caroline finds out from his credit card that he's off to Noosa and she isn't the one to give up on Henry and goes after him to win him back. To show him what he's missing and all.
Janice staying back to take care of the girls and when she goes to rest into Caroline's bedroom, Henry's neighbour Craig slips into their bedroom mistaking Janice for Caroline and it's revealed that Caroline has been having an affair with Craig.
Then comes Alec who is Janice's ex-husband and who's just dropping by to Henry and Caroline's to fly kites with the girls and obviously sees Janice and Craig together in the room and still doesn't believe what he has seen since he questions Janice but Craig doesn't let her clarify and keeps interrupting Janice and Oh my God I was so annoyed by Janice's naivety and Craig's interruption that had I been reading a paperback, I would have thrown that across the room. Since I was reading on my iPad, I couldn't afford to throw it across the room. I was thinking and constantly thinking to DNF this book but kept on reading hoping it would get better as I read positive reviews about this book.
Lesley storms in who already suspected her husband Craig's secret affairs but doesn't find out about Craig and Caroline's affair until after. A pizza guy eats dinner with them at their place, okay! And Henry's girlfriend Martha comes in to stay the night as well since Caroline bombed their weekend in Noosa.
We are thrown with all these characters one after the other that what started out great becomes a complete mess and a very annoying one at that.
This was my first Toni Jordan book and it was terrible, I understand that I'm in the minority with this. I don't think I will read another book of hers. Also, I don't recommend it to anyone.
1 star
It started out great, absolutely loved Janice, who is a microbiologist and how the author narrated in the very beginning. We are introduced to Henry and Caroline, Janice's older sister and brother-in-law who by the way is leaving Caroline after fifteen years of their marriage and two girls, Mercedes and Paris. Janice tries to sort things between them but all her efforts amount to nothing and no one takes her advise seriously since she is divorced herself and hence disqualified to offer any advise on relationships and marriages.
But when Henry leaves to be with his now girlfriend, Martha, who happens to be Mercedes' teacher Caroline finds out from his credit card that he's off to Noosa and she isn't the one to give up on Henry and goes after him to win him back. To show him what he's missing and all.
Janice staying back to take care of the girls and when she goes to rest into Caroline's bedroom, Henry's neighbour Craig slips into their bedroom mistaking Janice for Caroline and it's revealed that Caroline has been having an affair with Craig.
Then comes Alec who is Janice's ex-husband and who's just dropping by to Henry and Caroline's to fly kites with the girls and obviously sees Janice and Craig together in the room and still doesn't believe what he has seen since he questions Janice but Craig doesn't let her clarify and keeps interrupting Janice and Oh my God I was so annoyed by Janice's naivety and Craig's interruption that had I been reading a paperback, I would have thrown that across the room. Since I was reading on my iPad, I couldn't afford to throw it across the room. I was thinking and constantly thinking to DNF this book but kept on reading hoping it would get better as I read positive reviews about this book.
Lesley storms in who already suspected her husband Craig's secret affairs but doesn't find out about Craig and Caroline's affair until after. A pizza guy eats dinner with them at their place, okay! And Henry's girlfriend Martha comes in to stay the night as well since Caroline bombed their weekend in Noosa.
We are thrown with all these characters one after the other that what started out great becomes a complete mess and a very annoying one at that.
This was my first Toni Jordan book and it was terrible, I understand that I'm in the minority with this. I don't think I will read another book of hers. Also, I don't recommend it to anyone.
1 star
May 12, 2016
First book I've read by Toni Jordan, recommended by bookshop assistant. I devoured it very quickly because I was instantly drawn in by funny early scenes and because I cared about the main character and wanting to know if there was a happy ending. But I felt vaguely irritated the whole way through. It just felt manic, with a relentless pace I found tiring. There is basically no let up in a crazy 24 hour period. And so much talking and cleverness. Which was funny and entertaining but then just annoying. I pictured how much more I would have enjoyed it if I could have taken every second scene out and then maybe dropped in some slower more thoughtful scenes and more varied backdrops. Still...I did read it and definitely think Toni is a very clever and funny writer - perhaps just too much of a good thing - for me anyway.
January 15, 2018
Those who love Toni Jordan for her razor-sharp humour and artful wit will not be disappointed by her latest offering
Our Tiny, Useless Hearts charts the highs and lows of relationships with keen insight and rapturous charm. Dysfunctional families and romantic escapades lay the foundations for this hilariously fun, full-of-heart novel.
‘Harnessing the exquisite timing of the great comedies to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous, Toni Jordan brings all her wit, wisdom and flair to this brilliant, hilarious novel.’
Booklover Blog
‘Toni Jordan is in that small group of novelists who can write smart, character- and situation-driven humour, which is to say laugh-out-loud comedy: take Our Tiny, Useless Hearts to the beach.’
Graeme Simsion, Best Books of 2016, Guardian
‘Farce entertains through exaggerated and improbable situations and Jordan has nailed that sentiment in this novel.’
Herald Sun
‘That Toni Jordan’s new novel manages to be a full-length fiction that simultaneously operates as a hugely enjoyable farce and an emotionally rich domestic drama is a testament to her skills as a writer and the charm of her voice.’
Australian
‘An enjoyable romp full of bed-swapping antics, lies and subterfuge…Full of wit and sparkle…In between the hilarious coupling shenanigans the novel is a clever suburban satire and a sly nod to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.’
Canberra Times
‘Laugh-out-loud funny, yet with real emotion at its core, this is a sexy-smart rom-com about love and marriage…I loved it.’
Australian Women’s Weekly
A new Toni Jordan is always a special pleasure and her latest is a wonderful, witty treat of a novel: cutting and clever, and yet so very romantic, as though P. G. Wodehouse had satirised life in the suburbs.’
Liane Moriarty
‘A concoction of robust jokes, observations both profound and pat and a very nice visual humour, Our Tiny, Useless Hearts rips along.’
Age/Sydney Morning Herald
‘A classic bedroom farce with snappy dialogue and egocentric yet endearing characters…’
Australian Book Review
‘Crafty, clever and comical…Take a little of Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors, mix well with Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, then set characters in one home, say in Carnegie, and you may begin to understand the wit in this delicious classic farce.’
Readings
‘Crisp and clever…Jordan doesn’t cheat readers on the romance, either – conjuring a flawless but vividly rendered romantic hero and a love story that feels fresh and sexy.’
Saturday Paper
‘I hope romance readers of Australia are like me and have found their way to their hot, biting observations of the ups and downs of love.’
Alpha Reader
Watch Toni Jordan chat about Our Tiny, Useless Hearts here and read an extract from the book on the Text blog.
Our Tiny, Useless Hearts charts the highs and lows of relationships with keen insight and rapturous charm. Dysfunctional families and romantic escapades lay the foundations for this hilariously fun, full-of-heart novel.
‘Harnessing the exquisite timing of the great comedies to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous, Toni Jordan brings all her wit, wisdom and flair to this brilliant, hilarious novel.’
Booklover Blog
‘Toni Jordan is in that small group of novelists who can write smart, character- and situation-driven humour, which is to say laugh-out-loud comedy: take Our Tiny, Useless Hearts to the beach.’
Graeme Simsion, Best Books of 2016, Guardian
‘Farce entertains through exaggerated and improbable situations and Jordan has nailed that sentiment in this novel.’
Herald Sun
‘That Toni Jordan’s new novel manages to be a full-length fiction that simultaneously operates as a hugely enjoyable farce and an emotionally rich domestic drama is a testament to her skills as a writer and the charm of her voice.’
Australian
‘An enjoyable romp full of bed-swapping antics, lies and subterfuge…Full of wit and sparkle…In between the hilarious coupling shenanigans the novel is a clever suburban satire and a sly nod to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.’
Canberra Times
‘Laugh-out-loud funny, yet with real emotion at its core, this is a sexy-smart rom-com about love and marriage…I loved it.’
Australian Women’s Weekly
A new Toni Jordan is always a special pleasure and her latest is a wonderful, witty treat of a novel: cutting and clever, and yet so very romantic, as though P. G. Wodehouse had satirised life in the suburbs.’
Liane Moriarty
‘A concoction of robust jokes, observations both profound and pat and a very nice visual humour, Our Tiny, Useless Hearts rips along.’
Age/Sydney Morning Herald
‘A classic bedroom farce with snappy dialogue and egocentric yet endearing characters…’
Australian Book Review
‘Crafty, clever and comical…Take a little of Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors, mix well with Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, then set characters in one home, say in Carnegie, and you may begin to understand the wit in this delicious classic farce.’
Readings
‘Crisp and clever…Jordan doesn’t cheat readers on the romance, either – conjuring a flawless but vividly rendered romantic hero and a love story that feels fresh and sexy.’
Saturday Paper
‘I hope romance readers of Australia are like me and have found their way to their hot, biting observations of the ups and downs of love.’
Alpha Reader
Watch Toni Jordan chat about Our Tiny, Useless Hearts here and read an extract from the book on the Text blog.
October 28, 2016
Caroline is married to Henry.
Henry is having an affair with Martha.
Caroline and Henry’s neighbours are Lesley and Craig.
Caroline is having an affair with Craig.
Janice is Caroline’s sister.
Alec is Janice’s ex-husband. Janice still loves him, it seems.
Alec springs Janice and Craig in bed together (nothing happened).
Lesley has had enough of Craig.
Lesley announces she’s sleeping with Alec.
And then things descend from there.
I’ve kind of told you some of what happens but by all means, go ahead and read Toni Jordan’s latest, Our Tiny, Useless Hearts, for her droll one-liners that poke-fun at the middle-class, middle-aged set. Also worth your time are Janice’s micro-biology-related-insights about life and love that provide a neat and rational balance to the others antics –
“Love colonises your whole body. The symptoms of love are caused by your autonomic nervous system doing its finest work – responding to the infection. Love is not something you think about, that you can reason yourself into or out of. Do you breathe with your conscious mind? Do you decide to send enzymes from your liver or knowingly control the heart valves as they open and close? Then why would anyone assume that reason can manage something as important as love?”
“The human gut does lots of thinking and why shouldn’t it? Billions of organised bacteria live there, lots of them going about their day making neurotransmitters that change the way we think and feel. A billion heads are better than one.”
The book is a comedy of errors and with all of the hiding half-dressed behind doors, sneaking in and out of rooms and scuttling down balconies, the action feels written for the stage rather than the page. While I found it obviously implausible (I guess all good farces are) and lacking the charm the Jordan’s Addition, I’m sure that chick-lit lovers and fans of authors such as Liane Moriarghty will enjoy this book (note that Jordan does suburban-snark far better than Moriarty).
2.5/5 Not for me but don’t let my opinion put you off.
Henry is having an affair with Martha.
Caroline and Henry’s neighbours are Lesley and Craig.
Caroline is having an affair with Craig.
Janice is Caroline’s sister.
Alec is Janice’s ex-husband. Janice still loves him, it seems.
Alec springs Janice and Craig in bed together (nothing happened).
Lesley has had enough of Craig.
Lesley announces she’s sleeping with Alec.
And then things descend from there.
I’ve kind of told you some of what happens but by all means, go ahead and read Toni Jordan’s latest, Our Tiny, Useless Hearts, for her droll one-liners that poke-fun at the middle-class, middle-aged set. Also worth your time are Janice’s micro-biology-related-insights about life and love that provide a neat and rational balance to the others antics –
“Love colonises your whole body. The symptoms of love are caused by your autonomic nervous system doing its finest work – responding to the infection. Love is not something you think about, that you can reason yourself into or out of. Do you breathe with your conscious mind? Do you decide to send enzymes from your liver or knowingly control the heart valves as they open and close? Then why would anyone assume that reason can manage something as important as love?”
“The human gut does lots of thinking and why shouldn’t it? Billions of organised bacteria live there, lots of them going about their day making neurotransmitters that change the way we think and feel. A billion heads are better than one.”
The book is a comedy of errors and with all of the hiding half-dressed behind doors, sneaking in and out of rooms and scuttling down balconies, the action feels written for the stage rather than the page. While I found it obviously implausible (I guess all good farces are) and lacking the charm the Jordan’s Addition, I’m sure that chick-lit lovers and fans of authors such as Liane Moriarghty will enjoy this book (note that Jordan does suburban-snark far better than Moriarty).
2.5/5 Not for me but don’t let my opinion put you off.
January 16, 2025
Setting: Melbourne, Australia; modern day.
The story is told by microbiologist Janice.
Her older sister, Caroline, is married to Henry and they have two children. As the story begins, Henry has run off with the children's teacher, Martha. Caroline sets off in pursuit, leaving Janice at her house to care for the children. Whilst sleeping at Caroline's house, Janice discovers that Caroline has been sleeping with her neighbour, Craig, who is married to Lesley. As Janice finds herself in Caroline's bedroom with a naked Craig, Janice's ex-husband Alec arrives at the house - an embarrassing moment as Janice still has feelings for Alec. Then it gets more complicated as Craig's wife, Lesley, arrives - looking for her cheating husband Craig! Just to complicate matters even further, Henry's mistress Martha arrives at the house and Janice lets her in(!). Then Caroline returns home, soon followed by Henry - and then the discussions and self-analysis begin!!!!......
I really loved Toni Jordan's first book Addition but this one didn't really impress me at all. It was billed in the blurb as 'witty' and 'laugh out loud funny' but I didn't get this at all. This book was almost like an Ealing Comedy farce - I could almost see the comings and goings playing out on a theatre stage - but I didn't really feel that much comedy reading the book and felt it quite underwhelming. Disappointed! - 4/10.
The story is told by microbiologist Janice.
Her older sister, Caroline, is married to Henry and they have two children. As the story begins, Henry has run off with the children's teacher, Martha. Caroline sets off in pursuit, leaving Janice at her house to care for the children. Whilst sleeping at Caroline's house, Janice discovers that Caroline has been sleeping with her neighbour, Craig, who is married to Lesley. As Janice finds herself in Caroline's bedroom with a naked Craig, Janice's ex-husband Alec arrives at the house - an embarrassing moment as Janice still has feelings for Alec. Then it gets more complicated as Craig's wife, Lesley, arrives - looking for her cheating husband Craig! Just to complicate matters even further, Henry's mistress Martha arrives at the house and Janice lets her in(!). Then Caroline returns home, soon followed by Henry - and then the discussions and self-analysis begin!!!!......
I really loved Toni Jordan's first book Addition but this one didn't really impress me at all. It was billed in the blurb as 'witty' and 'laugh out loud funny' but I didn't get this at all. This book was almost like an Ealing Comedy farce - I could almost see the comings and goings playing out on a theatre stage - but I didn't really feel that much comedy reading the book and felt it quite underwhelming. Disappointed! - 4/10.
April 18, 2016
“Please tell me you’re here because you’re moonlighting as a surprise volunteer naked door-to-door mattress inspector”
Our Tiny, Useless Hearts is the fourth novel by award-winning Australian author, Toni Jordan. It’s Saturday morning, and Janice (38, microbiologist) would normally be at the lab tending to her nice, predictable bacteria. But today, she’s at her sister’s place, dealing with unpredictable humans, trying to avert disaster.
Caroline (41, mother of Mercedes and Paris) is having a meltdown: Henry, her husband of fifteen years, is leaving. As he packs his belongings, Janice scoots between husband and wife, desperate to mend the rift for the sake of her young nieces. Mercedes readily offers opinions but Paris is worryingly silent. In the midst of this drama, Craig and Lesley, next-door neighbours pop in to offer gratuitous advice.
Janice’s efforts are unsuccessful: the fact that she divorced Alec, the love of her life, two years ago, apparently disqualifies her from offering relationship advice. Henry is determined, and soon pretty young Martha (Miss Roland, teacher of Mercedes) turns up to collect him in her jaunty orange VW beetle.
Jordan gives the reader a sitcom that would be easy to envisage on the stage: characters depart on flights to Noosa (and return unexpectedly); climb a garden trellis; turn up naked in the wrong bed; talk at crossed purposes; are overcome by passion (or pretend to be). Doorbells ring at highly inopportune moments; ex’s, mistresses, lovers and neighbours turn up to stay the night; secrets are revealed.
The strength of any good farce lies with the dialogue, and Jordan fills her novel with clever banter, malapropisms and the delightful observations of children: “It’s only for grown-ups. It’s sour, but when you get old, that’s what you like” (Mercedes on wine).
Except for the charming Mercedes and Paris, all the characters are flawed and very human. Some, like Alec, are (very) appealing, some, like Craig, eminently throttle-able: “You’re allowed to experience lust. It’s natural. I hate to see female passion being suppressed by the societal conventions of the male-dominant paradigm of the phallocentric patriarchy”.
Amidst the comedy, Jordan manages to touch on infidelity (of course), infertility, single-parent families, a common childhood misconception about cats and dogs, and the contents of the high cupboard in the kitchen. There are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments, but also one or two to cause a lump in the throat.
There should be a warning attached to this book, however. Reading in public may garner disapproval due to the inelegant snorting, snickering and laughing out loud which is inevitable. Similarly, reading certain passages whilst eating or drinking is inadvisable due to a possible choking hazard or other food/drink related mishap.
The back-cover blurb states “Toni Jordan harnesses the exquisite timing of classic farce to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous to produce a brilliant, heartbreaking, hilarious novel”. A more accurate or succinct description than this would be difficult to conceive. This book is an absolute pleasure to read and fans of Jordan’s work will not be disappointed.
Our Tiny, Useless Hearts is the fourth novel by award-winning Australian author, Toni Jordan. It’s Saturday morning, and Janice (38, microbiologist) would normally be at the lab tending to her nice, predictable bacteria. But today, she’s at her sister’s place, dealing with unpredictable humans, trying to avert disaster.
Caroline (41, mother of Mercedes and Paris) is having a meltdown: Henry, her husband of fifteen years, is leaving. As he packs his belongings, Janice scoots between husband and wife, desperate to mend the rift for the sake of her young nieces. Mercedes readily offers opinions but Paris is worryingly silent. In the midst of this drama, Craig and Lesley, next-door neighbours pop in to offer gratuitous advice.
Janice’s efforts are unsuccessful: the fact that she divorced Alec, the love of her life, two years ago, apparently disqualifies her from offering relationship advice. Henry is determined, and soon pretty young Martha (Miss Roland, teacher of Mercedes) turns up to collect him in her jaunty orange VW beetle.
Jordan gives the reader a sitcom that would be easy to envisage on the stage: characters depart on flights to Noosa (and return unexpectedly); climb a garden trellis; turn up naked in the wrong bed; talk at crossed purposes; are overcome by passion (or pretend to be). Doorbells ring at highly inopportune moments; ex’s, mistresses, lovers and neighbours turn up to stay the night; secrets are revealed.
The strength of any good farce lies with the dialogue, and Jordan fills her novel with clever banter, malapropisms and the delightful observations of children: “It’s only for grown-ups. It’s sour, but when you get old, that’s what you like” (Mercedes on wine).
Except for the charming Mercedes and Paris, all the characters are flawed and very human. Some, like Alec, are (very) appealing, some, like Craig, eminently throttle-able: “You’re allowed to experience lust. It’s natural. I hate to see female passion being suppressed by the societal conventions of the male-dominant paradigm of the phallocentric patriarchy”.
Amidst the comedy, Jordan manages to touch on infidelity (of course), infertility, single-parent families, a common childhood misconception about cats and dogs, and the contents of the high cupboard in the kitchen. There are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments, but also one or two to cause a lump in the throat.
There should be a warning attached to this book, however. Reading in public may garner disapproval due to the inelegant snorting, snickering and laughing out loud which is inevitable. Similarly, reading certain passages whilst eating or drinking is inadvisable due to a possible choking hazard or other food/drink related mishap.
The back-cover blurb states “Toni Jordan harnesses the exquisite timing of classic farce to the narrative power and emotional intelligence for which she is famous to produce a brilliant, heartbreaking, hilarious novel”. A more accurate or succinct description than this would be difficult to conceive. This book is an absolute pleasure to read and fans of Jordan’s work will not be disappointed.
August 29, 2023
aka the microbiologist, her ex-husband, her sister and her estranged husband, his new mistress, their neighbour and his wife. And a couple of kids. Amusingly written, with incisive relationship observations, but so few people, and such a whirlwind of events. It got tiring after a while. 3.5 rounded up
August 29, 2017
‘Our Tiny Useless Hearts’ is a 2016 romantic comedy novel from Australian author, Toni Jordan.
I did read this in December last year. But I clearly have brain-fog for the entire Christmas month and cannot for the life of me remember the reading clearly … so I spontaneously decided to re-read Toni Jordan’s comedy about love and marriage, and I was absolutely rapt.
This is the first Toni Jordan book I’ve ever read, but after doing so I (must have enjoyed it, back in December?) went out and bought her other novels ‘Addition’ and ‘Fall Girl’, and now that I’ve had a rebooted reading I intend to get stuck into those ASAP too!
I won’t even try to recount the plot of this book – instead I’ll say it’s a sort of modern Melbourne suburban take on Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’, except the comedy-of-manners is more a comedy-of-morons who’ve lost their heads and hearts to utterly foolish infidelities and self-inflicted heartburn. It really is wonderful!
Liane Moriarty provides an endorsement quote, calling it “cutting and clever, and yet so very romantic, as though P. G. Wodehouse had satirised life in the suburbs.” This is a very appropriate endorsee – because Toni Jordan’s novel did remind me of Liane Moriarty’s work, minus the seedy underbelly that goes with her explorations of love and betrayal. Jordan takes a much more light-hearted approach, that still manages to cut to the heart of the matter;
‘Something special, I mean. Your moment, whatever that means.’
He breathes out in a rush and leans against the side of the house, he tilts his head back and rests his hands on his thighs. ‘I think everybody feels like that.’
‘What if it never happens? What if we’re all here, getting ready, like our entire life is the night before the first day of school, and we’re waiting and waiting and the moment we’re preparing for – it never actually comes?’
Jordan’s novel is also a romance. Through and through. Which is great, and also caught me off guard because Toni Jordan is *so* beloved in Australia and especially by indie bookstores (again – wonderful! And what took me so long to get cluey?!) – but generally Melbourne publishing has an issue with romance … insofar as they don’t respect it very much. There’s no doubt that Jordan brilliantly weaves romance with marital dramas, family observations, and general suburban rot too;
‘When you ask the little boys in my class what they want to be when they grow up, none of them say “a man”,’ says Martha. ‘They all want to be boys for ever, but boys who have a magnet in their chest that prevents anything touching their heart. And that also powers their flying iron suit, so they can live in their penthouse with their car collection and play video games with their friends.’
… but all romance does this. Toni Jordan is writing contemporary romance, but I see her often getting labelled as ‘women’s fiction’ – but I hope romance readers of Australia are like me and have found their way to her hot, biting observations of the up’s and down’s of love. It’s totally worth it!
I did read this in December last year. But I clearly have brain-fog for the entire Christmas month and cannot for the life of me remember the reading clearly … so I spontaneously decided to re-read Toni Jordan’s comedy about love and marriage, and I was absolutely rapt.
This is the first Toni Jordan book I’ve ever read, but after doing so I (must have enjoyed it, back in December?) went out and bought her other novels ‘Addition’ and ‘Fall Girl’, and now that I’ve had a rebooted reading I intend to get stuck into those ASAP too!
I won’t even try to recount the plot of this book – instead I’ll say it’s a sort of modern Melbourne suburban take on Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’, except the comedy-of-manners is more a comedy-of-morons who’ve lost their heads and hearts to utterly foolish infidelities and self-inflicted heartburn. It really is wonderful!
Liane Moriarty provides an endorsement quote, calling it “cutting and clever, and yet so very romantic, as though P. G. Wodehouse had satirised life in the suburbs.” This is a very appropriate endorsee – because Toni Jordan’s novel did remind me of Liane Moriarty’s work, minus the seedy underbelly that goes with her explorations of love and betrayal. Jordan takes a much more light-hearted approach, that still manages to cut to the heart of the matter;
‘Something special, I mean. Your moment, whatever that means.’
He breathes out in a rush and leans against the side of the house, he tilts his head back and rests his hands on his thighs. ‘I think everybody feels like that.’
‘What if it never happens? What if we’re all here, getting ready, like our entire life is the night before the first day of school, and we’re waiting and waiting and the moment we’re preparing for – it never actually comes?’
Jordan’s novel is also a romance. Through and through. Which is great, and also caught me off guard because Toni Jordan is *so* beloved in Australia and especially by indie bookstores (again – wonderful! And what took me so long to get cluey?!) – but generally Melbourne publishing has an issue with romance … insofar as they don’t respect it very much. There’s no doubt that Jordan brilliantly weaves romance with marital dramas, family observations, and general suburban rot too;
‘When you ask the little boys in my class what they want to be when they grow up, none of them say “a man”,’ says Martha. ‘They all want to be boys for ever, but boys who have a magnet in their chest that prevents anything touching their heart. And that also powers their flying iron suit, so they can live in their penthouse with their car collection and play video games with their friends.’
… but all romance does this. Toni Jordan is writing contemporary romance, but I see her often getting labelled as ‘women’s fiction’ – but I hope romance readers of Australia are like me and have found their way to her hot, biting observations of the up’s and down’s of love. It’s totally worth it!
September 16, 2016
Something I suddenly noticed when re-reading some Jane Austen was that sometimes authors try to show a character is intelligent and essentially a good person through casting characters around them who are completely over-the-top silly and selfish. This is okay if it's maybe one or two, but when the main character is the only redeemable one around people barely worth a decent smacking it makes for unpleasant reading.
The book is essentially a French farce script of a mad weekend where a decent person tries to help her sister through a marriage break-up, only to be the centre of drama and shenanigans, while processing her regret at ending a good marriage to a good guy.
I find the term "chick lit" is usually used to be derogatory, as though stories about women are inherently silly - and I don't have a problem with romance stories, however I don't like it when the romantic interest is held as absolutely vital and the sole source of happiness and fulfilment to a character. In this instance, I felt like Janice had more than just her relationship with Alec to sort out (such as her relationship with her sister and what happened with her mother).
Because it was impossible to really connect with characters such as the school teacher who has an affair with the married father of one of her students, wants to immediately pick out wedding dresses with the man's daughters and can't understand why the wife is angry about the situation, it made it harder to empathise with the main character.
I didn't mind that it was a farce, but to have a farce with a main character who is musing on something pretty serious (big thing I won't spoil, but it's the reason she left Alec) while people were being sickeningly stupid around her felt like too much of a disconnect - she is remembering some pretty harrowing stuff while the idiots hoot and holler. Maybe if it weren't for the gravitas of the issue Janice and Alec went through it would have worked. Again, I could have handled one spoiled, self-centered, stupid person, but to cope with five of them (not including children called Paris and Mercedes, who were ridiculously ignored unless they were giving some information away) was hard going.
I needed something lightweight and funny, which this certainly was, but I just found it a few too many degrees too silly. I might try others by Jordan (as reading other reviews here it might not be the best representation of her work) but I probably wouldn't come back to this one again.
The book is essentially a French farce script of a mad weekend where a decent person tries to help her sister through a marriage break-up, only to be the centre of drama and shenanigans, while processing her regret at ending a good marriage to a good guy.
I find the term "chick lit" is usually used to be derogatory, as though stories about women are inherently silly - and I don't have a problem with romance stories, however I don't like it when the romantic interest is held as absolutely vital and the sole source of happiness and fulfilment to a character. In this instance, I felt like Janice had more than just her relationship with Alec to sort out (such as her relationship with her sister and what happened with her mother).
Because it was impossible to really connect with characters such as the school teacher who has an affair with the married father of one of her students, wants to immediately pick out wedding dresses with the man's daughters and can't understand why the wife is angry about the situation, it made it harder to empathise with the main character.
I didn't mind that it was a farce, but to have a farce with a main character who is musing on something pretty serious (big thing I won't spoil, but it's the reason she left Alec) while people were being sickeningly stupid around her felt like too much of a disconnect - she is remembering some pretty harrowing stuff while the idiots hoot and holler. Maybe if it weren't for the gravitas of the issue Janice and Alec went through it would have worked. Again, I could have handled one spoiled, self-centered, stupid person, but to cope with five of them (not including children called Paris and Mercedes, who were ridiculously ignored unless they were giving some information away) was hard going.
I needed something lightweight and funny, which this certainly was, but I just found it a few too many degrees too silly. I might try others by Jordan (as reading other reviews here it might not be the best representation of her work) but I probably wouldn't come back to this one again.
January 23, 2018
‘I can’t speak. I am literally speechless.’
So, let’s identify the main players. There’s Caroline, who is married to Henry. Henry is having an affair with Martha, the teacher of Martha and Caroline’s daughter Mercedes. And Henry, after he tells Caroline this, heads off to Noosa with Martha. Caroline heads after them, after first shredding Henry’s clothes.
Then there’s Caroline and Henry’s neighbours: Lesley and Craig. Caroline is having an affair with Craig.
Caroline’s sister Janice steps in to look after Mercedes and her sister Paris, Craig comes calling on Caroline and Janice’s ex-husband Alec comes to visit Mercedes … and things get really hectic from there.
I had so much fun with this book I read it twice. Seriously. I missed some good one-liners first time around, and Ms Jordan’s timing is just superb. The measure of great farce, surely? Yes, the story is way over the top and most of the characters are so shallow they’d drown in a rain drop.
And then there’s Craig:
‘When you step inside an airport, you cease to have any rights whatsoever. Legally, it’s a return to the feudal system. It’s like the Manga Carta never happened.’
And, just in case you’ve never heard of the Manga Carta, Janice helps out with:
‘The Manga Carta is, presumably, a document drafted in 1215 by the Archbishop of Canterbury in the form of a Japanese comic book.’
In the right mood, I enjoy books like this because they make me laugh. In the wrong mood, they could become missiles. It’s all in the timing.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
So, let’s identify the main players. There’s Caroline, who is married to Henry. Henry is having an affair with Martha, the teacher of Martha and Caroline’s daughter Mercedes. And Henry, after he tells Caroline this, heads off to Noosa with Martha. Caroline heads after them, after first shredding Henry’s clothes.
Then there’s Caroline and Henry’s neighbours: Lesley and Craig. Caroline is having an affair with Craig.
Caroline’s sister Janice steps in to look after Mercedes and her sister Paris, Craig comes calling on Caroline and Janice’s ex-husband Alec comes to visit Mercedes … and things get really hectic from there.
I had so much fun with this book I read it twice. Seriously. I missed some good one-liners first time around, and Ms Jordan’s timing is just superb. The measure of great farce, surely? Yes, the story is way over the top and most of the characters are so shallow they’d drown in a rain drop.
And then there’s Craig:
‘When you step inside an airport, you cease to have any rights whatsoever. Legally, it’s a return to the feudal system. It’s like the Manga Carta never happened.’
And, just in case you’ve never heard of the Manga Carta, Janice helps out with:
‘The Manga Carta is, presumably, a document drafted in 1215 by the Archbishop of Canterbury in the form of a Japanese comic book.’
In the right mood, I enjoy books like this because they make me laugh. In the wrong mood, they could become missiles. It’s all in the timing.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
October 18, 2016
The fourth novel by award-winning Australian author, Toni Jordan, Our Tiny, Useless Hearts is a clever, funny, wise-cracking novel about love, infidelity and divorce. It reminded me of one of those farcical 1960s movies in which a group of people tumble in and out of bed with each other, but finally end up in the right person’s arms. The pace is manic, the one-liners brilliantly funny, and there is also a real insight into some of the problems that beset modern-day couples. And Toni Jordan’s diamond-cut prose lifts this book well out of chick-lit territory into something quite extraordinary.
May 30, 2019
Clearly written by PG Wodehouse and Noel Coward’s Aussie love child. A very clever farcical romp. Highly recommended.
July 29, 2016
You have to be in the mood for a farce, and with my domestic life being just a tad hectic at the moment, I was definitely in the mood for some frivolity. I romped through Our Tiny Useless Hearts in no time, and enjoyed it for what it is, a lively romcom full of witty humour and daft characters. It made a pleasing counterpoint to my reading of the rather grim Secondhand Time by Nobel Laureate Svetlana Alexievich…
Toni Jordan is an astute observer of the absurdity of 21st century life, conjuring a fantastic cast making entrances and exits through an outer suburban farmlet. Almost only characters not sleeping with someone else’s spouse are the two small children Mercedes and Paris – and the names of those two alone give you a glimpse into the way Jordan skewers the aspirational airheads who named them. (I say ‘almost’ because I’m not giving anything away!)
To read the rest of my review please visit https://anzlitlovers.com/2016/07/30/o...
Toni Jordan is an astute observer of the absurdity of 21st century life, conjuring a fantastic cast making entrances and exits through an outer suburban farmlet. Almost only characters not sleeping with someone else’s spouse are the two small children Mercedes and Paris – and the names of those two alone give you a glimpse into the way Jordan skewers the aspirational airheads who named them. (I say ‘almost’ because I’m not giving anything away!)
To read the rest of my review please visit https://anzlitlovers.com/2016/07/30/o...
April 2, 2016
I don't read a lot in this genre these days but I'm glad to have made an exception for this. It is a fun comedy that could easily be made into a movie starring Colin Firth, but it also deals with some more serious aspects of relationships and family dynamics. I loved the way all the characters were written, 7 year old Mercedes was my favourite. Toni Jordan's excellent style and humour make this an easy, enjoyable read.
December 9, 2017
I really love Toni Jordan so I don't want to sound mean, but this was just OK for me. It was clever and funny but a bit too frenetic and implausible for my tastes. The main character - Janice - reminded me a lot of Grace from Jordan's earlier novel Addition, albeit without the trauma-induced OCD.
March 9, 2017
Not for me. I stopped reading about a third of the way through it. I'm not a fan of farce or stories about cheating husbands in the suburbs and wives that run after them.
June 27, 2017
Slightly disappointing compared to Addition, which I LOVED! A little too farcical for me, but it did get better as it progressed.
May 27, 2018
Burn this.
November 6, 2020
Just glorious. Loved loved loved this one
May 9, 2022
I wanted to like this book, it's by an Aussie and has that trademark style but way too many people and interruptions and so so so silly. Which is fine, I was wanting that but it was also trying to have 'real thoughts and things going on' so it couldn't decide whether it was substance or silly but the both didn't work well together. I was expecting a comedy... but it was like a comedy of manners on crack and not a lot made sense. But I'm not going to give up on the author. I will try another.
The story takes place over a weekend where the opening shows the mother of two grown daughters having a breakdown over the end of her marriage- like out of the blue on her elder daughter's wedding day. Then it goes into the older daughter's life- where her husband has just announced he's leaving for a 25 year old teacher of his kids.
And that's all fine but it goes down hill once the neighbors come over and the wife who's been cheated on has a fit and leaves to chase down her soon to be ex so the sister is left to watch the two children and the neighbor tries to sneak into bed with her and then her ex shows up and..... see where this is going? it's chaos. If you like chaos and ridiculousness which might be what you need right now, then this is for you.
The story takes place over a weekend where the opening shows the mother of two grown daughters having a breakdown over the end of her marriage- like out of the blue on her elder daughter's wedding day. Then it goes into the older daughter's life- where her husband has just announced he's leaving for a 25 year old teacher of his kids.
And that's all fine but it goes down hill once the neighbors come over and the wife who's been cheated on has a fit and leaves to chase down her soon to be ex so the sister is left to watch the two children and the neighbor tries to sneak into bed with her and then her ex shows up and..... see where this is going? it's chaos. If you like chaos and ridiculousness which might be what you need right now, then this is for you.
May 7, 2016
Contrary to the title, this book is written with an enormous amount of heart, as well as intelligence and wit. The humour absolutely zings through the book - every chapter is jam-packed full of jokes and hilarious observations. But its warm centre is what really drew me in, it's easy to care about these people and their troubles. It is billed as a farce, but I think it's just a strong story about all kinds of love and relationships wrapped in a (bit saucy) veneer of fun.
I signed up to goodreads to review this as my first ever book, I enjoyed it so much. Do yourself a favour - go buy it, and have a great night in with these flawed, funny characters.
I signed up to goodreads to review this as my first ever book, I enjoyed it so much. Do yourself a favour - go buy it, and have a great night in with these flawed, funny characters.
October 30, 2016
I think I put this book off because the plot sounds like ‘family saga’ but it has a warmth and energy which is captivating. The writing crackles and I have laughed out loud. We all have a tomato sauce moment from our childhood. My significant other coined the term 'benign neglect' for the way we were brought up. Toni (Janice) calls it 'benign indifference'. It's a thing, I told him! Clear an afternoon. Sit down. Enjoy.
June 18, 2016
Very funny book about relationships. It takes place over a weekend, where secrets are revealed in a farcical way. I laughed out loud (even guffawed) a number of times. I recommend reading this quickly, in one or two sittings if you are a fast reader. As a farce it does not need to be savoured but rather devoured greedily.
October 26, 2019
I enjoyed this book. It's a light-hearted 'chick lit' read, set over the course of one weekend filled with drama. It moves at a fast pace and covers a whole range of topics, so you're always left wondering what will happen next.
This book features nine characters and, as the situations unfurl, you see how their lives all entwine with one another. I liked how the story showed each character's perceptions of each situation.
I'd recommend this book to women aged 20+. There are a few adult scenes and it covers a number of adult issues, e.g. marriage problems, so would be less relatable for younger readers.
Trigger warning: this book mentions fertility issues and infidelity.
This book features nine characters and, as the situations unfurl, you see how their lives all entwine with one another. I liked how the story showed each character's perceptions of each situation.
I'd recommend this book to women aged 20+. There are a few adult scenes and it covers a number of adult issues, e.g. marriage problems, so would be less relatable for younger readers.
Trigger warning: this book mentions fertility issues and infidelity.
June 22, 2023
The story is very entertaining, the dialog is especially outstanding. Recommend the audiobook. Excellent narrator who nails the voice of every character. Reminiscent of both Oscar Wilde's plays and Shakespeare's comedies. Thoroughly entertained!
June 29, 2017
A fun book around a farcical situation in which 3 married couples attempt to sort out their lives.
March 21, 2023
The first chapter was great. Someone else must have wrote it … this book is so annoying. I didn’t laugh once, though it was clearly the author’s goal. Not even a smile. Complicated huis clos, exaggerated situation, hysterical conversation, … I couldn’t care less for any of those characters (yes, even for the kids).
January 7, 2017
A comedy of errors, or a complete farce are the best things way I think I can describe Our Tiny, Useless Hearts. It is definitely a fast paced read, in fact I barely paused for breath at the frenetic nature of the dialogue.
However as much as I could see the dialogue was supposed to be funny, I think perhaps it was trying too hard to be witty, or it just didn't quite hit my sense of humour, as I just didn't think it was that amusing. Yet I found the book on the whole quite entertaining, perhaps through the absurdity of the situations.
Essentially the story takes place over one weekend, with lots of people at all times, talking over each other and at cross purposes, on all manner of subjects. There were four couples involved, as well as two children, and the entire book takes place in Caroline's house.
There is chasing after cheating spouses, people jumping into bed with not the expected person, lots of deceit as to who is actually who, depending on who was being lied to at the time, there is a fair amount of information about bacteria since Janis is an expert on the subject, there are assorted rants from Leslie the neighbour, dodgy innuendos from Craig, Leslie's husband.
If that last paragraph sounded confusing, then Our Tiny, Useless Hearts may not be the book for you, as it contains all that and more, with the dialogue changing subjects at a rate of knots.
I quite liked this book, and its the first time I've read anything by Toni Jordan. If the rest of her books are like this, I would have to assume her writing is like an acquired taste, either it works for you on all levels, or it just falls short. Unfortunately it wasn't the best match for me, although I did like the book.
Thank you to Allen & Unwin for this copy which I have reviewed honestly and voluntarily.
However as much as I could see the dialogue was supposed to be funny, I think perhaps it was trying too hard to be witty, or it just didn't quite hit my sense of humour, as I just didn't think it was that amusing. Yet I found the book on the whole quite entertaining, perhaps through the absurdity of the situations.
Essentially the story takes place over one weekend, with lots of people at all times, talking over each other and at cross purposes, on all manner of subjects. There were four couples involved, as well as two children, and the entire book takes place in Caroline's house.
There is chasing after cheating spouses, people jumping into bed with not the expected person, lots of deceit as to who is actually who, depending on who was being lied to at the time, there is a fair amount of information about bacteria since Janis is an expert on the subject, there are assorted rants from Leslie the neighbour, dodgy innuendos from Craig, Leslie's husband.
If that last paragraph sounded confusing, then Our Tiny, Useless Hearts may not be the book for you, as it contains all that and more, with the dialogue changing subjects at a rate of knots.
I quite liked this book, and its the first time I've read anything by Toni Jordan. If the rest of her books are like this, I would have to assume her writing is like an acquired taste, either it works for you on all levels, or it just falls short. Unfortunately it wasn't the best match for me, although I did like the book.
Thank you to Allen & Unwin for this copy which I have reviewed honestly and voluntarily.
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