Tomboy Survival Guide

by Ivan E. Coyote

Ivan Coyote is a celebrated storyteller and the author of ten previous books, including Gender Failure (with Rae Spoon) and One in Every Crowd, a collection for LGBT youth. Tomboy Survival Guide is a funny and moving memoir told in stories, in which Ivan recounts the pleasures and difficulties of growing up a tomboy in Canada's Yukon, and how they learned to embrace their tomboy past while carving out a space for those of us who don't fit neatly into boxes or identities or labels.

Ivan writes movingly about many firsts: the first time they were mistaken for a boy; the first time they purposely discarded their bikini top so they could join the boys at the local swimming pool; and the first time they were chastised for using the women's washroom. Ivan also explores their years as a young butch, dealing with new infatuations and old baggage, and life as a gender-box-defying adult, in which they offer advice to young people while seeking guidance from others. (And for tomboys in training, there are even directions on building your very own unicorn trap.)

Tomboy Survival Guide warmly recounts Ivan's adventures and mishaps as a diffident yet free-spirited tomboy, and maps their journey through treacherous gender landscapes and a maze of labels that don't quite stick, to a place of self-acceptance and an authentic and personal strength. These heartfelt, funny, and moving stories are about the culture of difference—a "guide" to being true to one's self.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Queer, LGBT, Canada, Gender, Transgender

239 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2016

About the author

Ivan Coyote was born and raised in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory. An award-winning author of six collections of short stories, one novel, three CD’s, four short films and a renowned performer, Ivan’s first love is live storytelling, and over the last thirteen years they have become an audience favourite at music, poetry, spoken word and writer’s festivals from Anchorage to Amsterdam.

Ivan E. Coyote, die k.d. lang der kanadischen Literatur, stammt aus Whitehorse, Yukon, im äußersten Nordwesten Kanadas. Sie liebt Trucks, kleine Hunde, guten Kaffee, gescheite Frauen, Lederarbeiten, Tischlern, Geschichten erzählen, Angeln, Hockey, Knoten knüpfen, Kochen, auf Bäume klettern und ihren Mittagsschlaf. Heute lebt sie mit ihrer Partnerin in Vancouver. Ivan E. Coyote hat bereits fünf Erzählbände veröffentlicht und mit Als das Cello vom Himmel fiel ihren ersten Roman vorgelegt. Sie liebt es, Geschichten zu erzählen, und hat sich neben ihrem Schreiben auch als »Spoken Word«-Performerin einen Namen gemacht.

Reviews

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know what I love in a person?

Competence.

You know what else I love? Intelligence.

Layer on top of all that a good dose of kindness, and I am smitten. Completely in love.

I have fallen for Ivan E. Coyote in the same way that I am star-struck and weak-kneed over Barack Obama and Carol Off. I'm awed and breathlessly impressed. I want to have Coyote over for dinner. I want them to speak at my kids' school -- and maybe they will, if I have anything to do with it. I can't wait to have the opportunity to see them speak sometime, and I hope that is sooner than later.

Not sure how you feel about transgender issues? Feeling ignorant on the topic? Open-minded but uninformed? Closed-minded but ultimately still human? Read this book. It's utterly convincing and I doubt anyone could come out from it unchanged. I loved every single page of this book.

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

In case you had the wild notion that it wouldn’t be: Ivan Coyote’s latest and unbelievably 11th book is just as great, and possibly greater, than everything they’ve done up until now. If you’ve never read an Ivan Coyote book before, Tomboy Survival Guide would be a great one to start with, as I think it really shows this celebrated writer and storyteller at the height of their powers. But if you’ve read every single book Coyote has written, and seen them multiple times doing live performances like recent collaborations with Vivek Shraya, you will definitely still enjoy this collection of personal short stories. Knowing what to expect with their books is kind of awesome actually: it’s like coming home...

See my full review on my blog here

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

You don't have to look a certain way to be a tomboy. Don't let anyone tell you that, ever, and please don't find that here in my words. Tomboy thrums in your heart. It's in your head. It's what is holding your spine in place. It can't be hidden by a haircut. It's not about nail polish or not. It's running right now in your veins. If it is in you, you already know. Tomboy blood is so much bigger than the outside of you.

I guess I'm late to the Ivan Coyote party. Tomboy Survival Guide is their (Coyote uses the pronouns “they” and “their” to refer to themself) eleventh book, and as Coyote seems to be about my own age, they would appear to have been at the vanguard of writing about the trans person experience. I can only imagine how scary and lonely it must have been in their early career to be openly pushing for understanding and acceptance for something that most of us had no exposure to, and I do hope that Coyote's everyday experiences have been improved by the growing presence of trans persons in the news and in the entertainment industry. I think that most people read in order to learn about the lives of others (and by extension, learn about ourselves) and this book of essays about Coyote's life taught me plenty; it would be of interest to any person who cares about people; it couldn't help but spread empathy and understanding; read it.

Coyote was born in the Yukon, into what appears to have been a large and supportive family; and while some early family drama is hinted at (and may well have been described in their earlier books), they would seem to now be in a place of love and acceptance. The essays in this collection range from the first time – at five years old – that Coyote remembers feeling pride at being mistaken for a little boy, through their awkward adolescence as they tried to figure out just what they were, to early dating and workplace experiences, to their present as a respected writer, performer, and public speaker. As we are about the same age, I identified with all of the cultural references, and as a fellow Canadian, I enjoyed the recognisable geographical bits (loved the mental picture of playing softball under a midnight sun). Mostly, I appreciated the learning I gained about the non-binary experience: Coyote may have been born with female parts, but they never felt like a girl, exactly, but not like a boy either; “lesbian” would seem to be the wrong word, too, and “trans person” will need to do if I need a term:

My day-to-day struggles are not so much between me and my body. I am not trapped in the wrong body; I am trapped in a world that makes very little space for bodies like mine. I live in a world where public washrooms are a battle ground, where politicians can stand up and be applauded for putting forth an amendment barring me from choosing which gendered bathroom I belong in. I live in a world where my trans sisters are routinely murdered without consequence or justice. I live in a world where trans youth get kicked out onto the street by their parents who think their God is standing behind them as they close their front doors on their own children. Going to the beach is an act of bravery for me. None of this is a battle between me and my own flesh. For me to be free, it is the world that has to change, not trans people.

This is not an angry or political book; Coyote's tone is easy, engaging, and often humourous. However, as Coyote is a public speaker, some of these essays felt a little performative – as though written to be spoken aloud to a crowd rather than read; but that's a small complaint. The text includes charming diagrams (from how to tie useful knots to the assembly of an iron), short observations from the real world, and a few responses to the people who have written to Coyote for advice:

I promise you that you are not alone. I'm here. I'm here and I see you. I feel you. I was you, and I am you. It's not you, it's them. It really is. And those boxes, those binaries, those bathroom signs, those rigid roles, they hurt them too, they do, they carve away at their souls and secret desires and self-esteem and believable dreams and possible wardrobes and acceptable careers just like they do ours, just it's harder for them to tell it's happening on account of no one is hassling them in the bathrooms every other day about it. They somehow just fit better in those boxes, so they can't see what fitting has cost them, not like we can.

This book is a conversation, not a lecture, and I enjoyed every bit of it; learned much. (I will, however, need to think hard about whether or not baby-showers-as-gender-reveal-parties are nothing more than an attempt to hang a burdensome label on the unborn; I honestly don't see us moving into some post-gender world.) This deserves to be read widely and I wish Ivan Coyote all the best.

[đurđa · Rating 5 out of 5]

My new shirt. Plaid on the outside, but with flowers on the inside. Just like me.

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed reading this book, by a newly discovered author. Coyote writes with much humour and compassion, and evoked so many memories for me. Fighting with siblings over the best individual cereal boxes with the perforated lines. Are You There God, it's Me Margaret. Crime of the Century. Tea for the Tillerman. Twister. Lite Brite. Many parts of my childhood resurfaced while I read this engaging book.

[Robert Pearson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this. There were a few stories not quite as strong as the others, but it feels like I am quibbling.

[Bonnie]

stone butch blues 2: 2 fast 2 stone

[J Kuria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would like to phase out the use of the phrase “prefers the pronoun” she or he or they, (or any other) and replace it with “uses the pronoun.” I prefer chicken to duck. I prefer a window seat. But I use the pronoun they. When someone writes that a person “prefers” a particular pronoun, it implies that there is a choice there for everyone whether to respect that wish or not, and that the person with the pronoun “preference” would be okay with the middle seat or the duck of their identity being respected. Not true.

[rie · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25

beautifully written (genuinely one of the best written — in the literal sense — memoirs i’ve ever read) and so very tender. it was so easy to fall in love with this book and ivan. part of me wishes we got more on their romantic aspects because the last couple pages were my favourite and the most beautiful to me but other than that, i really don’t have any other notes!!!

[Kate Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s like they cracked my skull open, I’ve never immediately adored an author like this before.
How kind and thoughtful and warm this book felt even when dealing with hard topics, this book has perfectly captured the nostalgia of the Canadian small town growing up experience as queer kid even when you don’t know it yet.

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

~*~Lavender Reads Yukon September 2025~*~

My third book by Ivan Coyote this year and it did not disappoint - I really enjoy their approachable writing style, and it's fun to read stories that are mostly set in places I've lived (Whitehorse, Vancouver). I think "Care Of" is still my favourite, but a couple stories in here hit hard and were great topics for discussion.

[liv · Rating 4 out of 5]

such a beautiful memoir about family and gender. butches make the world go round ❤️❤️❤️

[Ann-Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Canada Reads 2018 theme is "one book to open your eyes"... This memoir made the long list but shockingly not the short list?! It can only be defined as an eye opening read for anyone, particularly those of us that fall into the mainstream heterosexual culture. Even those who claim to be open minded and welcoming.... Ivan Coyote invites us into the inside pysche and constant turmoil, even in acceptance, those who define themselves as Trans, deal with every single day. It's brilliant, beautifully written patchwork of stories, piece of Canadian art. A must read and a must discuss book. A true shame it's not on the CBC short list.

[Eileen Mackintosh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book I have read by this author. I thoroughly enjoy their writing style. So easy to read. I read their work to get a better understanding of the transgender experience. I always remember Oprah saying something along the lines of, when you know better, you do better. I think we can all do better. It is always great to know that no matter what we are going through that we are not alone. This book (and also Care Of) can be that for the LGBTQ2+.
#indigoemployee

[Dhwani · Rating 4 out of 5]

All the feels.

"If anyone pinches anyone non-consensually, a unicorn can smell it and avoid the area, sometimes for months after the incident."
this made me way too happy.

[Rebecca Jessen · Rating 5 out of 5]

'Writing about vulnerable things doesn't make me feel vulnerable. Writing about my tenderest bits is the only way I know how to have power over them. Staying silent would leave me alone with them. My silence is what makes me vulnerable.'

I have all the feels for this book and this beautiful human. There is such warmth in these stories, I cried more than a few times at points of difference and similarity. Read it so you understand, even just a little, what that other life is like - that life you have never even considered that some people are living. Read it so you understand how something as seemingly simple as going to the bathroom can become a personal battleground. Read it - just read it.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As always, Ivan Coyote gets me right in the feels. I haven't encountered any other authors' works that make me feel as understood, comforted, and part of a community. As a gender non-conforming person, their stories soothe my soul especially in these tumultuous political times.

In this collection of all new stories, Ivan weaves tales of first loves, navigating growing up different, dealing with strangers and friends and gender, unexpectedly inspirational school presentations, and how grandparents connect families in a magical way. Individually and all together, they create a beautiful work of art and storytelling.

[Rosie · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I am not trapped in the wrong body, I am trapped in a world that makes very little space for bodies like mine." This book is warm, well written, and moving. Detailed snapshots of Ivan's life show their struggles with not fitting into a gender binary as a young tomboy turned butch. But Ivan also highlights the pockets of beauty throughout their life, such as the relationship with their grandmother, who had secrets of her own she didn't share until much later in her life. I felt like I was really immersed in Ivan's life with this memoir. Coyote's books not only resonate with transfolks, but also with anyone who has ever not fit neatly into an expected label.

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

My friend Becki gave this book to me when she finished reading it for Curious Iguana's Read Broader initiative, and I'm so grateful she did. Ivan Coyote is a wonderful storyteller--honest, warm and true.

[Flint Xavier · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I am not trapped in the wrong body; I am trapped in a world that makes very little space for bodies like mine"

I have been trying to write a review for this book all morning, but I just can't think of the words for Coyote's writing. I absolutely loved this book.

[Yukari Peerless · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ivan Coyote is a national treasure.

[KD]

Unfortunately dnf at 10%. I really wanted to love this book but I couldn’t get past the writing which is just begging for a better editor. Too many run-on sentences, too many lists, too much telling and almost no showing.

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this in one sitting and had to have a little cry. Moving and fantastically well written.

[Erica K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ivan is one of my favourite writers because they have a knack for elucidating how even the smallest moments in the most rural of places can burst with humanity. In a time where it’s so important to listen to trans voices, I am tremendously grateful for Ivan’s.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to start off saying that this book was incredibly relatable and very eye opening. I loved the short story aspect this book was written in which allowed me to stop after a particularly hard chapter and reflect on it. Not in my wildest dreams would I have thought using the washroom or change room for some people could be such a challenge.

When I was in high school and even to this day, I find, some days, I prefer to wear "men's clothing" over "women's clothing" and I guess it might be because I have long hair and act feminine but I was never treated any differently, so it never occurred to me how difficult it is for some to do things that every human being has the right to do, like go pee! It is probably just me being naive but I have seen several people enter a women's designated washroom or change room who wore "men's clothing" and I put it in quotations like this because I have always just seen the clothing as clothing or what is most comfortable for some to wear but unfortunately society dictates that certain clothing is for "men" and other clothing is for "women". This probably comes from the fact that I too, feel most comfortable some days in that type of clothing style. It pains me to read this knowing that I have an aunt who is transgender and I can imagine the difficulties she has faced for it even more now than ever before. I feel guilty that I never truly understood the hardship she goes through every single day.

I really enjoyed how much I could relate to Ivan's story even though we are two completely different people with completely different history's. I hated the horror of when they tried to use a washroom or change room and were humiliated for being who they truly are. It takes an incredibly strong person to show the world who they really are and to have so much negativity occur because of it, breaks my heart.

It did take me a little longer to complete this book than it normally would because I felt the need to reflect on certain situations that occurred. How it could relate to my life or how it could relate to my families lives.

I have never read a book by Ivan before and I picked this one up because of my English course but I am truly glad my prof assigned this book to read, I would have never picked it up originally, since I am a huge romance/fantasy/mystery junkie lol

I gave this book a 5/5 because in my opinion, any book that can have you self reflect and opens your eyes to how other people live is worth picking up. It's also written in a way that provides a more matter of fact situation but the emotion is still very much felt throughout. Even if you do not know any gay or trans people I suggest reading this. It may change your perspective on how our society is run.

[zoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG I NEVER WROTE A REVIEW FOR THIS BOOK!!!!!! changing that RIGHT NOW.

i am simply obsessed with tomboy survival guide!!!!! i have always been so so fascinated with queer and/or trans stories because they make me feel so complete, so whole, and this work is no different. i love the writing style of short vignettes and stories, followed by even shorter snippets, of times where coyote's transness and queerness was undeniable, beautiful, painful, affirming, uncomfortable, sexy, impressive, inspiring. THESE are the kinds of books that i live for and make me feel so so so so so so so seen. i'm also super obsessed with the different diagrams and figures of tools, knots, and handyman guides—SO GAY.

[Milo · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars. ‘Tomboy Survival Guide’ in a way defies description, to me at least, and it feels cheesy to say but it’s true. This book has an incredibly special place my heart in ways words can’t really describe, and I’ve come back to this book time and time again. Coyote’s familiar, kind, understanding, patient, and soothing style of writing has created a really intimate connection, and makes me feel like a welcomed guest in their home. The depth of empathy and intelligence and compassion in their writing provides a sanctuary of solace and understanding, and as a trans and non-binary person myself, I can’t overstate the significance of this book fr myself, and fr people like me. It’s so much more than a collection of pages; fr me, it’s been a lifeline at times and always a celebration of identity and belonging. ‘Tomboy Survival Guide’ is an essential piece of work that resonates to the very heart of who we are, w its profound wisdom and empathy. Every page is a testament to the power of Coyote’s storytelling abilities, and perhaps the power of storytelling just in general, and also of the strength and kindness of the human spirit. This book has not only provided a home fr me, but I’m assuming it has also illuminated the path home fr countless others, nurturing a sense of self-discovery and belonging and self-acceptance. Ivan Coyote’s ‘Tomboy Survival Guide’ is a five star triumph that’ll forever hold a special place in my heart and the hearts of many others who seek comfort, validation, and connection. Please read this book, I promise it’ll shoot straight through yr heart and right into yr soul.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A pretty charming, sometimes moving, memoir of growing up genderqueer/trans in the Yukon (!) and British Columbia in the seventies through the nineties and beyond. Not an easy time or place for it (is there ever?) but Coyote comes across as human, humane, and often funny. These are short pieces strung together out of chronological order--pieces about being a kid, pieces about learning to be an electrician as a woman among homophobic and sexist men, pieces about family, pieces about Coyote's current life as a storyteller and performer based in Vancouver BC. You can weave together the threads to examine Coyote's trajectory from childhood to today, and maybe feel okay about how things have trended, politically and socially. You can also feel respect and admiration for Coyote, for making it through a lot of needless hurt, and wish we could get our collective social act together to accept and celebrate difference.

[Emmkay · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I like Ivan Coyote's story-telling style a lot, and would love to see them perform one day. This memoir/collection has an easy humour and is moving, as it explores their working-class Yukon/BC roots, family history, and experiences living first as a lesbian and then as transgender. It was less of a revelation for me than their previous work with Rae Spoon, Gender Failure, but I think would make a great introduction for many readers who aren't all that familiar with transgender issues and don't have transgender friends or family.

[Lisa H · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Ivan is an amazing storyteller and I felt so many emotions while reading tales of their life. I identified with so much of it. I laughed. I cried. Each of the chapters were touching, some in ways that I didn't expect. this is a must read for anyone who has ever given any thought to what gender is and what it is like to live somewhere beyond the two tiny boxes that our society has given us.