Caligula for President: Better American Living Through Tyranny

by Cintra Wilson

In this inventive and biting satire, acclaimed novelist and cultural critic Cintra Wilson reimagines America's Manifest Destiny as helmed by Caligula, the only leader in world history capable of turning our floundering democracy into a fully functioning―and totally fun―tyranny, both here and abroad. With Caligula running the show, America will finally be able to achieve what the founding fathers really wanted, but never had the nerve to admit. Like, how

-Achieve the guilt-free looting of natural resources for the sake of immediate gratification;

-Declare war on abstract concepts (drugs, terror, the ocean) for the sake of imperial expansion;

-Utilize propaganda, psychological operations, and other prisoner-of-war techniques to create a sense of learned helplessness in the citizenry, gain their utterly terrified trust and obedience―and leave them begging for more;

-Rape, pillage, and loot―both here and abroad―with impunity

Wilson also traces the historical arc of Caligula's life and not-so-hard times, from his privileged childhood in Syria to his ascent to power to his eventual takedown by the hands of an angry populace, to point out the unsettling parallels between his own extravagant reign and a certain administration, which helped usher in a new golden age of unlimited executive power. Part political parable, part cautionary tale, Caligula for President is an ingenious and hilarious send-up of the current state of our Union by one of this generation's sharpest satirists.

Genres: Politics, Humor, Satire, Historical, Fiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published September 30, 2008

About the author

Cintra Wilson is a playwright, novelist, and a past columnist for the San Francisco Examiner, Salon, and the New York Times. She lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Clay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty great educational experience for those of us leaning left, but left out of most conspiracy theories.

I found the dialogue informative and witty, and the tone of the book kept otherwise droning facts relevant and interesting even to the casual reader.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kind of all over the place freeform political satire comparing the current state of U.S. politics to the Roman Empire. Doesn't really build up of a systematic thesis but it gets the point across. The U.S. is only beginning to exhibit some of the outlandish politics of the Romans, but enough to warrant a comparison. Most disturbing is realizing that this book is already outdated. This was inspired by the Bush Era when government lies and corruption were increasingly getting pushed out of the news cycle by celebrity scandal. Now we get the two combined, a major political party nominee is a walking celebrity scandal and the press can’t get enough.

In the end, a wild rollicking lesson that history repeats itself, the same ruling class has always been in charge, and as bad as modern government seems, things really do get better as a rule:

Complain about your crumbling infrastructure and overzealous Homeland Security all you like, but as least you have a system that theoretically provides both, which is a damn sight better for national morale than knowing you don’t, and that at any moment some Aramis-drenched Visigoth could climb in the window of your bedroom, unzip your torso like a garment bag and eat out your liver with a crab fork.

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wacky and weirdly informative political satire written in 2008. The Roman emperor is making his pitch to become president of the US following Bush. Reading this in 2025 is wild. So much of what Caligula predicted has already come true. So much of what happened during bush’s administration has been forgotten or surpassed by things that are 100x worse.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

What is billed as a Swiftian satire (food shortage? Eat the bebehs!) in which Caligula pitches himself as the last best hope of the US (back cover blub: "It's TIME for a TYRANT") is more or less an information delivery system for summarizing the Bush presidency (and corruption and power-grabs through history as a whole) in a trenchant, blackly humorous frame. I think I expected something more about the general concept of totalitarian government, but basically got a lot of lists, summaries, and recaps that set out to show that we're on our way. When this was published in 2008, the common argument about why it fell off the radar was that, with Obama's election, people were looking for something more hopeful and weren't looking for the doom-and-gloom. Now, five years later, many of the same wars, concerns, and reference points (oddly, Miley Cyrus is mentioned more than any other pop princess), it would seem this book might be due for a re-evaluation. But I don't think it will be, simply because Wilson's multi-layered, scrupulously researched book-length polemic really seals the exits and shoots out the lights. From the history of corruption and torture through the inevitable failure of protest and change, "Caligula for President" doesn't offer much hope from history. Not that it needs to offer solutions -- it's not the canary's job to suggest ventilation technology. It just explains why this bleak nosh might not have been for everyone in 2008, 2013, or ever.

That said, it's sharply written and very funny throughout, with Terry Southern's sense of the hilarity of absolute cruelty, and Hunter Thompson's galloping rhythm and all-the-truth-at-once verbal atrocities. Highly recommended.

[Rev. Nyarkoleptek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my GOD! --this is unbelievably GOOD! This is absolutely the best savage satire I've read in many, many years. Very much in the vein of The Book of the SubGenius : The Sacred Teachings of J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs, but without all the Space Banker Gods and pipe-smoking deities. Highly recommended for connoisseurs of dark political humor.

[Tony · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightful and strident rant by Caligula seeking to replace a Bush-style administration with tyranny.
"Please evacuate the public arena so something interesting can happen."

"Ryan Seacrest, because of his startling inability to ever look sincere saying anything, shall be given the honor of being my White House press secretary and imperial deceptionist."

"World leaders have no interest in standing around, looking crap-stained by the sight of your lovely moral example. Never expose your superiors to excess decency or ethical standards higher than their own."

[Colin O'Shea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is really very funny, and informative. It is of course satire, but based on real things, drawing real parallels between the ancient tyrant's of Rome and its senate and the American Presidential office and post-9-11 legislative reforms that essentially stripped essential freedoms from the citizenry in a not altogether transparent way. A good way to learn a bit of history and present? and have a chuckle too. Seems more poignant than ever, with its projection from the Bush Junior era on to some sort of reality TV style dictator running things, more concerned with ratings and his own prodigal divinity than much else. Me like.

[Jenne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Cintra Wilson; I may have mentioned this before.

Her writing is hilarious and sort of gruesome, which lends itself well to an examination of the colossal fuckup that we Americans now find ourselves in the middle of.

The only thing is that it seems to have been published right before the last election, and it would have been nice to have that whole situation included.

Denise: It's hard to say whether this would be a good book club book--maybe not if you have a lot of people with delicate sensibilities. But as an antidote to Ishmael it would be perfect. (Though both are pretty lefty, they definitely come at it from completely different perspectives!)

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love some good satire, and this was pretty great. The difficulty was, it peels your eyes open to truths that you may never have wanted to know. But that's what good satire does.

The comparisons between how Caligula would run a nation, and the former Bush administration were pretty shocking. It makes a person really consider just what is occurring in their own backyard.

Funny and terrifying all at once. Do yourself a favour and find out how your life will be improved through tyranny!

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Total giggle-fest. This is cataloged as fiction but is better suited for the 800's of the library. It's a big diatribe on how the public basically rolled over and did nothing while the Bush administration usurped many of our freedoms and protections. How lazy we are. I love "Caligula's" threats of what HE will do once he's in power. I loved the "Holy American Superbrands" that we will be required to worship as our new gods and all of chapter 9 was my favorite.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I enjoyed her previous novel A Massive Swelling, which talked about celebrity culture in America. I just couldn't get into this one, which takes on the presidency in the US, and was written at the height of the Bush years. I would read a few pages, put it down, and never feel like picking it up again. She seems to have her narrator talk on and on about the same thing for pages at a time. Or at least it seemed so from my many starts and stops.

[Camille · Rating 4 out of 5]

Political satire at it's most hilarious. I laughed out loud quite a bit. I mean, when Caligula promises to lock Lou Dobbs in a room with a polar bear on Adderall "while blasting Slayer's Reign in Blood", I just about peed my pants.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it. Laughed at the despairing truth of it all.

[Tattered Cover Book Store]

If you thought the National Security State couldn't laugh at itself, read this fabulous book. Let your uncertainty and fear mingle with thie outrageously funny satire.

Kelly

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very clever!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant, funny -- and chilling.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolute A++ satire. Both illuminating and entertaining.

[Jodi G. · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was a bit much.

[Jimmie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilariously chilling.