How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps

by Andrew G. Marshall

There are few things in life more traumatic than discovering that your partner is having an affair. You are not only coping with the pain and anger but also the sense that your partner is a stranger. How could someone you love, and thought that you knew, treat you like this? How can you ever trust your partner again? Don't panic. Millions of ordinary men and women have trodden the same path and come out the other end with not only their love restored but a significantly stronger and better relationship. Whether you are the discoverer of the affair or whether you were discovered, Marshall offers guidance and support, and The seven stages that couples move through from discovery to recovery.What makes people more vulnerable to affairs. The eight types of infidelity and how understanding your partner's affair is key to deciding whether you should stay or go.How to stop your imagination running wild and your brain from going into meltdown.Why some couples emerge stronger and why others get derailed from the recovery process. With over thirty years' experience as a marital therapist, Marshall draws on hundreds of case studies and provides practical, compassionate and sensible advice to keep your relationship alive. As he says, "It might sound strange, but you can turn this crisis from the worst thing that has happened to your relationship into one of the best.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships

280 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 1, 2009

About the author

Andrew has been a marital therapist for almost thirty years. He trained with RELATE the UK's leading couple counselling charity. He now has a private practice in London and Sussex (England), gives workshops on relationship and inspirational talks. His books have been translated into twenty languages (including French, German, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese and Italian). He also writes for UK newspapers Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday.

Andrew is also the host of the podcast "The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall" where each week I interview therapists, academics and people with a story to tell about making better relationships, deeper connections understanding yourself and what makes life meaningful.

Reviews

[Emi Yoshida · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been reading loads of divorce books the last few months, now I'm switching to a slightly more hopeful sub-genre. Andrew Marshall is a marital therapist with extensive experience guiding people past infidelity, and the statistics in his books show higher rates of success with infidelity therapy, worse effects of divorce on kids than I noticed reported in the divorce books.

A lot of what I read I could tick off like a check list: The most common age for affairs is 46. (Check)
Factors most common in cheaters: fear of conflict, need for approval, compartmentalising, self-absorption, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem disputes over autonomy and control. (Check)
Factors most common in cheatee: perfectionism, being mediator in childhood, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem. (Check)
Problem + poor communication + temptation = infidelity (Check)
Some unfaithful partners don't want to leave but want the package of home, children and security, rather than a relationship with their spouse. (Check)

This book is well-written and very interesting, I'll come back and give it another star if it ends up helping me with my situation. In the meantime I'll go ahead and read this other one by him next: I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You.

[Infidelity Recovery · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was one of the best books I read in my recovery from my husbands affair. It sets out the seven stages of recovery which helps make sense of what you're going through from the immediate aftermath of discovering an affair to the difficult times in recovery when relationship issues come to the surface and life becomes more difficult.

This book gave me, the betrayed spouse, a structure in which to understand what was happening in my relationship and my emotional state at various stages of recovery, but most of all it gave me positive activities and tasks to help me focus on myself and my future, whether I was in the relationship or not, and focus on values, hope and my own self esteem. It doesn't bang on about forgiveness, trust or things which are hard to find in these difficult days post affair.

I recommend it for all betrayed spouses.

[Tonya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good read if your marriage has been affected by infidelity. Perhaps a good book to read so you know what to look for and how to prevent an inappropriate friendship from turning into a full blown affair. Keep in mind that everyone and every case is different, so you won't exactly fit into each scenario perfectly.

[Yeliz Öztürk · Rating 5 out of 5]

çok beğendiğim, ilişkiler konusunda çok aydınlatıcı bilgilere sahip bir kitap

[شيماء فؤاد · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book in infidelity.

[Louisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wowwow wow, not from the infidelity sode but for someone who loved a double life - addiction this hitsthe nail on the head just swopping the word affair fordeugs and alcohol woooooo
helped so somuch amazing

[Georgios Zoumplias · Rating 4 out of 5]

A compassionate and structured guide for couples navigating betrayal. The real-life examples make the advice feel grounded. It’s not an easy read emotionally, but it offers hope and tools for rebuilding trust.

[Gianni WhiteBeard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful Book

[Anup Das · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Nice Book to rediscover one's marital relationships, to improve strong partnership and to avoid break-ups over trivial cynicism
"How Can I Ever Trust You Again? Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps" by marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall is an exploration of the stages that couples move through from discovery to recovery, while there is a crisis in a marital relationship. This book helps to have a balance opinion of ups and downs in our marital relationship, particularly while a modern life is making it harder. The author discusses seven steps with bullet points and appropriate anecdotes to grasp every stage in a couple's relationship. Following stages are discussed in seven chapters:
Stage One: Shock and Disbelief;
Stage Two: Intense Questioning;
Stage Three: Decision Time;
Stage Four: Hope;
Stage Five: Attempted Normality;
Stage Six: Despair - Bodies Float to the Surface; and
Stage Six: Intense Learning.
At the end of each state, a new skill is expected to develop. The Stage One's new skill is: Open Your Mind. Stage Two's new skill is: Understanding. Stage Three's new skill is: Confident and Productive Decision Making. Stage Four's new skill is: Finding a Positive out of Negative. Stage Five's new skill is: Looking Beneath the Surface. Stage Six's new skill is: Acceptance. Stage Seven's new skill is: Continuous Development. This book also contains an eighth chapter on Diversions, Derailments and Dead-Ends, which offers the new skill: Understanding the Difference Between Closure and Transcendence.
Every Chapter gives us a set of exercises and checkpoints to grasp the situations described in the chapter.
A Nice Book to rediscover one's marital relationships, to improve strong partnership and to avoid break-ups over trivial cynicism.