***Spoilers included***
Sometimes, you watch or read something (take the TV show Glee, for example), and it starts to get terrible. As you watch/read, you go through the stages of grief for what could have been. (Think of those hours or dollars you spent for this “entertainment!”). I get that “V.C. Andrews,” when she was alive, was no Shakespeare, but she spoke to me in the way that only psychotic grandmothers, memory loss, incest, and killing children with rat poison could. Whoever has now assumed the writer of identity of V.C. Andrews clearly was not trying with this book at all, much like Ryan Murphy was after Glee season 2, and kept going just to get paid. Anyway, I read it so you don’t have to, and I’m going to take you through my grief cycle! Enjoy the ride!
Denial:
“But we were still young. She would have lots of opportunities to come up with worse ideas. And she did” (Intro). Sure, it’s not the most well-written foreshadowing out there, but here I was thinking that one twin would be the equivalent of The Omen’s Damian, and instead I mostly read about a bitchy, lying, angsty girl and her goody-goody sister. Hasn’t that been done enough?
“She claimed it was practically blasphemous to do otherwise, because the biggest danger of any parent of identical twins was that somehow, some way, he or she would favor one over the other” (10). The mother’s rule’s had the ability to be chilling, but it never got there. Sure, there was plenty of adolescent “horror” with home schooling, rules for their eventual private school (such as going everywhere at the same time, having to make the same grades, etc), basically naming her kids the same name with the middle name of “Blossom,” and, the scariest part of it all: Mother becoming a teacher’s assistant to spy on everyone! But everything was summed up in a few sentences with no further development.
This book has all the plot details for something worthwhile! What was I missing?!
Anger:
Frankly, everyone is an idiot except for Haylee. Kaylee, Haylee sleeps with your boyfriend pretending to be you, and you still want to watch movies with her and help her lie about her internet romance? I thought identical twins were supposed to have special insight about each other!
I guess I can’t blame Kaylee too much since her parents were idiots as well. The father keeps “sensing” that how the mother is raising them is wrong, yet never speaks up and leaves (Ok, maybe that’s just a typical man), but for a “villainous” presence, the mom doesn’t even spy on them! She seriously believes everything they tell her. I get that she’s a narcissist, but everyone knows not to trust teenage girls! And the father creates a completely new family and is confused why the twins hate him? Hmm.
“It was all scientific goobledygook and quite boring” (112). How does Kaylee get older and “write” as an adult looking back on her life, yet talk to her audience like a five-year-old. An adult who apparently was one of the smartest students in her private school has an inane vocabulary and still makes references like the “Cinderella hour” even when writing about her high school self (149). I think my rage at the vocabulary was the strongest emotion felt during this read.
This book was published in 2016, yet I was bombarded by dated references to Titanic, bad cell phone cameras, and a lack of texting (306). How old is this writer?! You can’t write a modern book without addressing tech!
Bargaining:
Ok, Matt and Jimmy, and creepy internet guy, if you make this book more bearable, I’ll forgive the new ghostwriter for the previous issues! Well, Jimmy was a moron and a poor plot device, Matt doesn’t even try to win Kaylee back or date Haylee (two authorial choices that would have been far more interesting than have him avoid his gf then move away), and creepy internet guy is a mashup of every creepy internet guy one could imagine with little imagination whatsoever: mommy issues, chains girls to the house, and delusions of doing what’s best with her. I’m sure in the sequel she will pretend to love him, bang him over the head with something, and run.
Depression:
Ok, I was on a cabin retreat and this was all I had to read, but imagine what I could have read in that time! Imagine how V.C. Andrews would feel to see her whole empire fall! How did this get published when Kaylee is the most naive idiot to ever be created?!
Acceptance:
I read it in basically a day, then I realized there are two more. I guess I have to find out of she bangs internet guy on the head and gets away, after all.