Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness

by Shasta Nelson

With the constant connectivity of today’s world, it’s never been easier to meet people and make new friends, but it’s also never been harder to form meaningful friendships. In Frientimacy, award-winning speaker Shasta Nelson shows how anyone can form stronger, more meaningful friendships, marked by a level of trust she calls "frientimacy.”Shasta explores the most common complaints and conflicts facing female friendships today, and lays out strategies for overcoming these pitfalls to create deeper, supportive relationships that last for the long-term. Shasta is the founder of girlfriendcircles.com, a community of women seeking stronger, more fulfilling friendships, and the author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen. In Frientimacy, she teaches readers to reject the impulse to pull away from friendships that aren’t instantly and constantly gratifying.With a warm, engaging, and inspiring voice, she shows how friendships built on dedication and commitment can lead to enriched relationships, stronger and more meaningful ties, and an overall increase in mental health. Frientimacy is more than just a call for deeper connection between friends; it’s a blueprint for turning simple friendships into true bonds and for the meaningful and satisfying relationships that come with them.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Friendship, Psychology, Personal Development, Audiobook

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 22, 2016

About the author

Shasta Nelson is a keynote speaker, author, and leading expert on friendship and healthy relationships at home and at work.

Filled with scientific data, real-world research, and fascinating case studies, Shasta speaks to our collective loneliness and teaches strategies for us to build the healthiest friendships that will lead to greater happiness and health.

Shasta’s first book "Friendships Don't Just Happen" teaches adults how to make new friends, her second book, ""Frientimacy" teaches adults how to develop deeper and more meaningful relationships with the friends they already have, and her third book "The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of the Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time" teaches how to develop positive and supportive relationships at work.

Her Three Relationship Requirements have been featured in her popular TEDx talk and are widely praised for helping break down relationships in ways everyone understands.

Frequently featured in the media as a popular resource on healthy relationships and the increasing epidemic of loneliness, Shasta has been interviewed live on several television shows including Katie Couric’s Katie, Fox Business, The Early Show, The Today Show, and The Steve Harvey Show. She has also been featured in countless national magazines like Good Housekeeping, Real Simple, and Health; and interviewed for prominent newspapers like The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Los Angeles Times.

Shasta was selected by Facebook to be their media spokesperson and friendship expert for Friends Day 2018.

Reviews

[Rachel B · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first few chapters of this book seemed to rehash everything in Nelson's first book, Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends, as well as her blog posts.

I did like the picture of a "frientimacy triangle" - the base of a relationship is positivity, and the "arms" of the triangle are consistency and vulnerability. In a good relationship, the levels of consistency and vulnerability should be fairly equal, bringing balance. I think this visual will help me in evaluating my friendships, determining if they're healthy - and if they're not, it will help me to quickly pinpoint what I can do to make them healthier.

The second half of the book was so boring and repetitive, and it's why I took so long to finish this thing!

Overall, I appreciate Nelson's passion for women and their friendships, but she seems to think that feelings trump everything and has somewhat skewed views on spirituality. She also never really addresses the fact that you can be an amazing friend and do everything "right," but not everyone around you is going to be a good friend back. It's one thing to acknowledge that you're responsible only for your actions, and it's another to overlook the fact that people can and will hurt you, even when you try your hardest to rise above it.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book was AMAZING. As in, I was looking forward to reading it and thought it would have some useful information and reflections for me. But I didn't expect it to be so well-written, so richly detailed, so thought-provoking and informative, and so helpful to me in my approach to friendships.

HIGHLY recommended. Especially if you're tempted to think, "I just haven't found the right friends yet," or, "Everyone around me already has all the friends they need." And if you feel like you're not good enough for friends. And if you've been hurt by friendships before and wonder if you can ever trust people again, or whether there's really anyone good enough to be your friend. And if you know you've got some decent friendships, but wish you saw them more often, or that you could open up to each other a little more, or that your interactions could be more positive and less draining.

While I'm at it, I'm just going to recommend this book to every. Woman. Ever. Because we can all have deeper, richer, more satisfying friendships. And friendships are soooo good for us, and so important, not an optional extra.

Note: This book is definitely written for women, and with a bias towards friendships between women. But I think a lot of what's here would be useful for other friendships too.

[Kaitlin CU · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book — so much actionable advice and research in one! I will be thinking about this for a long time.

At times it was hard to read because it requires you to examine your own behavior. Something else I noticed was that the author plugs her own books fairly frequently. I do wish it wasn’t so gendered and hetero-assuming — everything is about women and their husbands, the two genders, etc.

I’d recommend it to anybody since we all have and need friendships, but women will probably feel more at home reading this than men or nonbinary people.

[Kenia Sedler · Rating 2 out of 5]

⭐⭐ = "It was OK" (per GoodReads's scale--it's not a bad rating, but it's not great either)

I love her concept of intimate friendships being built on the three pillars of: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. That is a useful, tangible construct to establish a roadmap for any potential or existing friendship, and to evaluate what gaps need to be addressed in existing friendships at every level of frientimacy.

This only got an "OK," rating because while other parts of the book were interesting, a lot of it felt repetitive--there were many sections I'd be listening to (I listened to the audiobook) and wondering when she would move on to the next point (as I can't simply flip ahead to see how much longer a section had left). That left me feeling like there was a lot of fluff, and this could have been shorter.
I recommend the chapters on the three pillars noted above, and then just cherry pick which other chapters you'd find valuable for your personal situation.

[Kelly · Rating 1 out of 5]

Read Shasta Nelson's two books quickly after hearing a good podcast featuring her. I recommend reading the first book (Friendships Don't Just Happen) for some good ideas and insights, but not the second (Frientimacy) unless the intimacy gaps she writes about in her first book are something you want to dive deeper on.

[Mary Gallucci · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had its moments. It was more clinical, statistics-based, and dry than the other couple books I recently read on the subject. That being said, it had some VERY useful images that, though technical-sounding, really *feel* relatable. --The "Frientimacy triangle," first and foremost: I certainly had never put my finger on those three ingredients (positivity, consistency, vulnerability) but it is absolutely true that one acutely feels an emptiness or imbalance with one of them lacking! Very helpful concept and framework.

On the other hand...I am absolutely all for optimism, but some of this seemed just unrealistic. Sometimes relational issues *are* personal. That is played down so far that it just seems kind of dismissive of differences in personalities and values. Also, the examples of activities friends engage in that she thrown around were, I think without exception, thoroughly unrelatable to me personally. Might be a stage of life thing. Shouldn't be a big deal, except it made the whole book feel more like fantasy than nonfiction.

At any rate, it's encouraging to read about friendships taken seriously and intensely, and helps motivate and validate that prioritization.

[Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read (and enjoyed) the author's other book - "Friendships Don't Just Happen", which can at least be in part credited with my forming my local set of friends. This book built very nicely on the foundation that book set up. If the first book is about networking and starting friendships, this book is about keeping, deepening, and expanding on your current network of friends. There is surprisingly little overlap between the two books and both focus on something that we all think we all think is really important but don't really spend too much time thinking about how we do it or how to do it better. Sometimes the book was a bit too warm-hearted and task-oriented for me (a strange combo, now that I write it out), but at the same time those are the parts that can inspire and give concrete ideas. If it's something you feel you want to work on in your own life, then I think this book is well worth the read.

[Hannah Brown]

I have read a couple books on friendship and this one is definitely my favorite! I love her “friendship triangle” and how she helps readers analyze and understand friendship. She also goes over obstacles that prevent us from fulfilling relationships with the people around us. It was like a friendship book that pushed me to examine my soul 🤣 This is exactly the book I have been looking for.

[Vicky]

DNF at 63%. I have been trying to finish this book for the last three years- ha! But when I noticed I was just skipping pages without reading them, I knew it was time to give this one up. However, I do think this book has some good elements to it and there were some nuggets of wisdom. Contributing factors to my DNF: I have a weird format of the book (totally my fault!) that makes it hard to read, I find nonfiction hard, it was easy to read about improving friendships but not do anything about it, I have found some peace in my current friendships, and some of the early chapters of the book helped me feel better in general! One particular lesson that stands out is the idea that a friend is not supposed to fill all of your buckets, instead you have a community of people to fill all your buckets. That idea really helped me.

So! I won’t have finished this book, but I am more stable in my friendships/relationships.

[Leticia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It felt less self-helpy and more reframing. How to have deeper more meaningful friendships with the friends you do have. I experienced some powerful paradigm shifts.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The info in this book is too good not to read and then reread. I think I only retained a fraction of what I wanted to get out of it so I will be revisiting.

This book gives a lot of perspective. My favorite part was addressing toxicity and those cliche sayings about friendships and cutting people out of your life. While I figured the author would encourage that, it’s quite the opposite.

I went in thinking this would help me evaluate my friends, this was more to evaluate myself in friendships.

Cannot recommend enough. I listened to this book, I wish I had read it instead. I will be relistening again soon and doing the online workbook offered.

[Julie Capell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good for a book club read; lots of things to discuss. Depending on your level of (dis)satisfaction with your current friendships, your mileage will vary. I am generally happy with the friendships I have, so I was only slightly interested in the subject matter of the book. Still, I did find some good prompts for questions to ask the next time I am with friends that will help deepen our conversations and, possibly, increase our level of "frientimacy."

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here is a summary of what the book is about. With the constant connectivity of today's world, it's never been easier to meet people and make new friends-but it's never been harder to form meaningful friendships.

In Frientimacy award-winning speaker Shasta Nelson shows how anyone can form stronger, more meaningful friendships, marked by a level of trust she calls "frientimacy." Shasta explores the ten most common complaints and conflicts facing female friendships today, and lays out strategies for overcoming these pitfalls to create deeper, supportive relationships that last for the long-term.

In Frientimacy, she teaches readers to reject the impulse to pull away from friendships that aren't instantly and constantly gratifying. With a warm, engaging, and inspiring voice, she shows how friendships built on dedication and commitment can lead to enriched relationships, stronger and more meaningful ties, and an overall increase in mental health.

The Intimacy Gap is more than just a call for deeper connection between friends; it's a roadmap for moving from friendship to frientimacy-and the meaningful and satisfying relationships that come with it.

I found this book to be very informative.

If you want to have a deeper connection with your friends you should read this book. I would recommend it.

Looking forward to reading more books by this author.

Happy Reading Everyone!

[Misty Galbraith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book has given me new, exciting tools to help form more meaningful connections in my life. It is the best “self-help” book I have ever read. Really. Ok, I don’t read many outside my area of direct study, but this was great! The format is geared to help women form stronger, healthier connections with other women friends, but the underlying principles can be highly effective in ANY of our relationships…romantic partners, work, children, siblings, etc. I love this quote and endorse the underlying principles:

“Friendships can save the world. Substantial research has demonstrated that those with strong social relationships live longer, report being happier, recover from disease faster, and have stronger immune systems than those who report feeling disconnected. In other words, relationships boost humanity.”

I believe that deepening friendships is vital to our physical and mental health. This book breaks down how we can achieve greater intimacy in our lives by focusing on the “friendtimacy triangle” of positivity: both giving and receiving, consistency: building trust, and vulnerability: deepening meaning. We can build the relationships we crave, overcome loneliness, and rid ourselves of feeling disconnected. As we deepen our connections with others, we help create a world of lifelong health and happiness.

[Brynna King · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book said a wholeeee lot. It felt like things were repeated a lot, or were more common sense observations, but also I appreciated the fact that the author took time and space to point out healthy and unhealthy patterns in female friendships. I left the book feeling more accepting of my own contributions to friendships and also challenged to lean into friendships more and not get so caught up in my head when it comes to expressing my needs more.
Would recommend!

[Tahni · Rating 5 out of 5]

This immensely helpful book shed light on what may have happened with friendships that fizzled in my past. It pulls from widely read relationship books, the author's own experience, and examples that all felt relevant. I didn't think I needed to read it until I got one chapter in and then I knew I may need my own copy.

[Anna Ware · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is really a book about so much more than friendship. It's a book about building resilience and confidence, trusting people, thinking positively, being honest, knowing yourself and valuing people above work and material possessions. It opened my eyes to so much more than just friendship.

[Carmen Liffengren · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

I recently watched Shasta Nelson's Ted Talk on friendship and her talk about three components to healthy friendships piqued my interest. The sections on positivity, consistency, and vulnerability and having the balance of all three of these things resonated with me. I also appreciated the sections on rooting out our own blind spots as we approach being a good friend.

[Mary McGinnis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really helpful to me in better understanding healthy friendships and the crucial role our social circle plays in our overall wellness. I’d recommend to any woman interested in better understanding or improving her friendships with other women!

[Kristen shryock · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have any type of relationships in your life, read this book.
It's self reflecting on triggers with friendships allowing a deeper look into expectations and resentment and often jealousy and how to manage.

[Swikriti · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 Not sure this was the right book for me.

[Jessica Savage · Rating 4 out of 5]

Growing up we are friends by proximity. As we get older, the proximity isn't there anymore. Friends aren't as easy. An amazing read.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard this author interviewed on a podcast and was interested in reading more of her research on healthy friendships. This book surprised me - I learned a lot and gained some helpful tools for understanding myself and people and relationships vs. friendships. I like her definition of friendship - a relationship where two people BOTH feel seen, safe and satisfied. She says positivity (meaning the benefits of the relationship to both) must outweigh the negative (costs/drains) 5:1 in order to form the foundation of a real FRIENDship, and then consistency and vulnerability should grow proportionally from that foundation. She categorizes friends as casual, common, and confirmed. The chapters on jealousy and envy are awesome. She quoted the Peck article we read at the assessment center, on stages of community. I think she is well read and researched and has presented helpful info in a usable way, that isn't too basic to be profoundly simple or simply profound, for most of us.

[Andria · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a self-proclaimed expert on bad self-help books, I'm always wary when I come across a book by a self-proclaimed expert, someone more adjacent to "life coaching"/"professional speaking" than the social sciences. Indeed, this volume featured citations from such highly respected sources as disgraced psychologist Dr. Phil and human meme Marianne Williamson in addition to using the cringe-inducing term "frientimacy" 134 times. All that to say I was geared up to dislike this book.

But you know what... I've gotta hand it to Nelson here. In some areas of life philosophy offers more utility than data, and the author has clearly thought deeply about the subject of friendship. It's a good book! The reflection questions are thoughtful, the metrics are useful (I'm a bitch who loves to quantify intangibles), and it's augmented by personal reflections and examples that tie the concepts together. It's equal parts methodology and paradigm shift, almost a manifesto, which is not something most self-help authors can pull off effectively without being a naked sales pitch for their other paid offerings (which the author does have, of course, but references are unobtrusive).

Most books on friendship focus on the initial aspect of meeting new people and often ignore how to further strengthen existing ties. So I appreciated the focus here specifically on depth and practical strategies to achieve it. That being said, the scope is somewhat limited so it's hard to know who to recommend this to. The author decided to focus on friendships between women, which certainly has some utility, but results in a lot of the situations and examples provided being kind of white woman basic for lack of a better term. That's a subculture I happen to intersect with so I found it useful but men, LGBTQ+ people, and BIPOC etc may find it less so. For the niche it chooses to take on, I'd say it's very good, but I wish Nelson had reached a little broader (as another recent read, The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People, did well).

Also kudos to the author for being the only person on earth to earn an M.Div and not mention it in their book.

[OK · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is ENTIRELY for straight white middle-class women. Outside of that, there were a few things that I enjoyed. Thoughts forthcoming.

——-

Thoughts!

I found this book useful not so much for the book itself, but because it gave me a resource through and against which I could reflect on friendship. (Especially how queer friendships and queer community-building differ from—and surpass, imho!—friendships between straight white women.)

Themes: loneliness, intimacy gaps, initiation, the three pillars of friendship (positivity, consistency, vulnerability), questions to ask friends to deepen connections, renegotiating friendships after major life events, conflict resolution, letting go and healthy closure, boundaries, rejection, owning your shit, operating when we’re not at our best + compassion when others aren’t either, unreliable v. reliable jealousy, resenting v. applauding envy, shining, self worth.

3/5

[Ken · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a dude I found this book really helpful in providing a vocabulary and visual framework for understanding and assessing the quality of friendships. The strength of this book is in the emphasis that we need to be initiators not just passive receptors by starting first to look within ourselves to see what areas might be contributing to our lack of depth in relationships, to grow where lacking, and then to learn how to deal with the shortcomings of others in a positive way and in turn develop more meaningful friendships through mutual growth.

I gave 4 stars because the books was a bit wordy and in certain parts used too many fluffy new-agey terms which in my opinion unnecessarily masked the power of the simple but powerful and transformative message this book has to offer.

I wholeheartedly encourage the author to be more unapologetic about her Christian world view and to embrace it with as much courage and grace as she displayed in writing this book.

[Kat · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very straight-cis-white-woman and her ‘gal pals’. There were many elements of this I just could not relate to.

I read this a few years back in an effort to learn more about friendship! It was a bit of work to make it through, to be honest. However, the basis of reviewing friendship and developing an understanding of the need for vulnerability, positivity and consistency for friendships to grow is actually really helpful.

Taken with a BIG pinch of salt, this book can be really helpful for describing how friendships develop and how to improve the friendships in your life. I sometimes recommend it (with the aforementioned caveats) to people I speak to who struggle to make and maintain friendships.

[Elizabeth Kix · Rating 3 out of 5]

Liked: The book helped me examine how I could better achieve one of my new year resolutions, namely expanding and enhancing my circle of friendships. The exercises help you reframe your perceptions, the content is approachable, and the reflection pieces center you.

Disliked: The book was a bit repetitive and some sections would be better discussed than read in my opinion. I could have learned more from this book had I worked through it with a group of women.

[Sherin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book every women should have if they want to develop and sustain meaningful and intimate friendship ... A must for every woman who wants to break-free from self-imposed exile, or reclusiveness and create lasting friendships and companionships.

Was kindly provided an ARC by Net Galley.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was by far the best, most insightful, most practical book I have ever read on the topic of friendship. I read it on kindle but will be ordering a hard copy, it's just that good.