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Fidelidad: Cómo crear una relación amorosa duradera (Biblioteca Thich Nhat Hanh)
Tomando como referencia las enseñanzas de Buda, el maestro Thich Nhat Hanh nos ofrece en este libro sanos consejos para comprender mejor el deseo y el amor en pareja. Este libro quiere ser una guía para ofrecer al lector una mayor comprensión del amor y cómo puede ser nuestra mayor alegría o ―cuando se confunde con el deseo y el apego― nuestro mayor sufrimiento.
Comprendiendo las raíces de nuestro sufrimiento y aprendiendo a desarrollar una comprensión profunda de nosotros mismos y de nuestro ser amado, podemos disfrutar de la relajación, la alegría y la paz que proceden del amor auténtico.El libro también ofrece prácticas de mindfulness.
Comprendiendo las raíces de nuestro sufrimiento y aprendiendo a desarrollar una comprensión profunda de nosotros mismos y de nuestro ser amado, podemos disfrutar de la relajación, la alegría y la paz que proceden del amor auténtico.El libro también ofrece prácticas de mindfulness.
113 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2011
96 people are currently reading
850 people want to read
About the author
Thich Nhat Hanh
970 books12.8k followersThích Nhất Hạnh was a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher, author, poet and peace activist who then lived in southwest France where he was in exile for many years. Born Nguyễn Xuân Bảo, Thích Nhất Hạnh joined a Zen (Vietnamese: Thiền) monastery at the age of 16, and studied Buddhism as a novitiate. Upon his ordination as a monk in 1949, he assumed the Dharma name Thích Nhất Hạnh. Thích is an honorary family name used by all Vietnamese monks and nuns, meaning that they are part of the Shakya (Shakyamuni Buddha) clan. He was often considered the most influential living figure in the lineage of Lâm Tế (Vietnamese Rinzai) Thiền, and perhaps also in Zen Buddhism as a whole.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
December 25, 2016
Please don't get mad if I don't rate it 5 star. The message/teaching itself is beyond my capacity to judge. It is a matter of taste of writing style, maybe it can be improved by explaining more about building lasting relationships, after not succumb to sensual love. I understand the foundation of the teaching is correct, but I was hoping some Q & A for unenlightened persons. I realized I could understand this book because I have some background knowledge prior of reading this book. I read this book with some background in meditation practices and Buddhism philosophy. Of course as a beginner, I can't say that I am proficient. Far far from it. There are some GR friends that I believe have much deeper understanding in Buddhism.
For example, there are many 'mindfulness' word on this book, but I didn't find description of this word. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I am too lazy to check in dictionary. I had a glimpse of understanding of 'mindfulness' after attended a workshop. I could easily lost if I read this book three years ago.
It is a great book, with great benefit when we practice the teachings. but maybe for general people who don't have background in Buddhism, it could be a challenging read. I hope I was wrong and overstate the issue.
For example, there are many 'mindfulness' word on this book, but I didn't find description of this word. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I am too lazy to check in dictionary. I had a glimpse of understanding of 'mindfulness' after attended a workshop. I could easily lost if I read this book three years ago.
It is a great book, with great benefit when we practice the teachings. but maybe for general people who don't have background in Buddhism, it could be a challenging read. I hope I was wrong and overstate the issue.
February 25, 2016
p.10 – We can tell the correct way to love because, when we love correctly, we don’t create more suffering.
p.18 – When we’re lonely and cut off, when we suffer and need healing, that is the time to come home to ourselves. We may also need to be close to another person. But if, right away, we’re sexually intimate with someone we’ve just met, that relationship won’t heal or warm us. It will just be a distraction.
You have to learn how to be comfortable with yourself and focus on making your own home within.
p.19 – Once you can deal with your emotions and handle the difficulties of your daily life, then you have something to offer to another person. The other person has to do the same thing. Both people have to heal on their own so they feel at ease in themselves; then they can become a home for each other. Otherwise, all that we share in physical intimacy is our loneliness and suffering.
Spirituality doesn’t mean a belief in a specific spiritual teaching. Everyone needs a spiritual dimension in his or her life. Without a spiritual dimension, we can’t deal with the daily difficulties we encounter. Mindfulness can be an important aspect of your spiritual path, whether or not you are a religious practitioner. Your spiritual practice can help you deals with your strong emotions. It can help you to listen and embrace your own suffering, and help you to recognize and embrace the suffering of your partner and loved ones.
p.21 – Every human being wants to love and be loved. This is very natural. But often love, desire, need, and fear get wrapped up all together.
p.33 – To love, in the true sense of the word, is to feel no discrimination. We should have the element of equanimity, so that we can love without boundaries. Equanimity is the absence of the three complexes – better, worse, equal. We no longer discriminate. We are able to embrace everything and we no longer suffer. When there is love without discrimination, there is also an absence of suffering.
p.50 – Most of us live in environments where we have numerous opportunities to become busy and burdened. We go from event to event, from person to person, and the environment quickly pulls us away from mindfulness practice. We may have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a partner, or a spouse, yet we still have unfulfilled sensual desires. It compels us to leave that person to follow another. The monkey swings from branch to branch in search of fruit. It eats one first, but it still craves another. Without delusion and craving, we wouldn’t be caught by desire.
p.51 – It’s not other people who confine us; we confine ourselves. If we feel trapped, it’s due to our own actions. No one is forcing us to tie ourselves up.
p.55 – Understanding is the other name of love. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.
To offer understanding means to offer love. Without understanding, the more we “love,” the more we make ourselves and others suffer.
p.57 – Understanding another person isn’t possible until we have practised looking deeply at ourselves.
p.59 – Someone who can understand our suffering is our best friend.
p.65 – We tend to think that in order to be happy, we need certain outside conditions; we must have this or that before happiness can arrive. But happiness comes from our way of looking at things. We’re not happy, but other people under the same conditions are happy.
Our happiness depends on our insight.
p.67 – Releasing our cows – The cows represent the things to which we are attached. So the practice is to learn to release our cows. Sit down and breathe in and out in mindfulness and concentration, and identify your cows. Call your cows by their true names, and see whether you have the ability to release any of them. The more you release, the happier you become.
p.68 – Many of us caught in our ideas of how we can be truly happy. We are attached to a number of things that we think are crucial for out well-being. We may have suffered a lot because of our attachment to those things, but we don’t have the courage to release them; it doesn’t feel safe to do so. But it may be that we continue to suffer because of our attachment to those things. It may be a person, a material object, a position in society, anything. We think that without that person or thing we will not be safe, and that is why we’re caught by it.
p.69 – Happiness depends first of all on having the deep desire for happiness, and then on having a spiritual path to follow. Every day, do some little thing on that path, and you will be happy. Don’t try to do big things. Do small things to make yourself happier, to make your friends happier.
p.75 – True love makes us happy. If love doesn’t make us happy, it’s not love, it’s something else.
True love of maitri (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (joy), and upeska (equanimity and non-discrimination). True love brings joy and peace, and relieves suffering. You don’t need another person to practice love. Practice love on yourself. When you succeed, loving another person becomes natural. Your love will be like a lamp that shines; it will make many, many people happy.
The holy spirit is made of mindfulness, concentration, and insight. When you practice the four qualities of true love, your love is healing and transformative.
p.76 – Love is friendship, and that friendship should bring about happiness. To be a friend means to offer happiness. If love doesn’t offer happiness, if it makes the other person cry all the time, then it’s not love; it’s the opposite.
Self-love is the foundation for loving another person. If you don’t know how to love and offer happiness to yourself, how can you love and offer happiness to another person? If you don’t know anything about happiness, how can you offer it? Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness, and then you’ll be able to offer it to another person.
p.78 – COMPASSION: We need to not only recognize the suffering, pain, and difficulties within us, we need to devote time to dealing with them and transforming them. Using mindfulness and concentration, we can nurture our own feelings of joy and happiness.
The word “compassion” does not reflect the true meaning of karuna. The prefix “com” means “together” and “passion” means “to suffer.” So to be compassionate means to suffer together with the other person. But karuna doesn’t require suffering. Karuna is the capacity to relieve suffering. It’s the capacity to relive suffering in you and in the other person. When you know the practice of mindful breathing; of tenderly holding your pain and sorrow; of looking deeply into the nature of suffering; then you can transform that suffering and bring relief. You don’t have to suffer, and you don’t have to suffer with the other person.
p.79 – We have to distinguish between the willingness to love and the capacity to love. You may be motivated by the willingness to love, but if that is your only motivation, the other person will suffer. So the willingness to love is not yet love. Many parents love their children. Yet they make them suffering a lot in the name of love. They’re often not capable of understanding their children’s suffering, difficulties, hopes, and aspirations. We have to ask ourselves, “Am I really loving the other person by understanding them or am I just projecting my own needs?”
Love doesn’t just mean the intention or willingness to make someone happy, but the capacity to do so. That capacity to love is something you have to learn and cultivate. Look into yourself and recognize the suffering in yourself. If you recognize, embrace, and transform your suffering and difficulties, then you are loving yourself. Based on that experience, you will succeed in helping another person to do the same, bringing a feeling of joy and happiness.
p.80 – EQUANIMITY: In true love, there is no distinction between the one who loves and the one who is loved. Your suffering is my suffering. My happiness is your happiness. Lover and beloved are one. There’s no longer any barrier. True love has this element of the abolishing of self. Happiness is no longer an individual matter. Suffering is also no longer an individual matter. There’s no distinction between us.
p.88 – We need to practice mindfulness daily in order to fulfill our aspiration. We need to patiently pursue our aspiration, but we don’t lose the present moment – we enjoy the present moment and we use it to realize our deepest desire.
Inside each of us is a great being, someone peaceful, fill of light, understanding, and compassion. This person carries a sword of understanding that cuts through the bonds of suffering. With great understanding, we see the way out of our bondage.
p.89 – The name Buddha mean “one who is awake.” When Siddhartha woke up to the reality of the world all around him and made his vow to love fully in each moment, he was thirty-five years old.
p.90 – Becoming a Buddha is not so difficult. A Buddha is someone who is enlightened, capable of loving and forgiving. You know that at times you’re like that. So enjoy being a Buddha when you can.
When we behave as if we don’t believe in our inherent goodness and that of others, then we blame ourselves and others for our suffering and we lose our happiness. You can use the goodness in yourself to transform your suffering and the tendency to be angry, cruel, and afraid. But don’t throw your suffering away. Use it. Your suffering is the compost that gives you the understanding to nourish your happiness and the happiness of your loved ones.
p.93 – When you first commit to someone, you have a beautiful image of them and you commit to that image rather than the person. When you live with the person twenty-four hours a day, you begin to discover the reality of the other person doesn’t quite correspond with the image you have of him or her. Sometimes you’re disappointed.
p.94 – Many of us feel unworthy. We’re thirsty for truth, goodness, compassion, spiritual beauty, and we’re sure these things don’t exist within us, so we go looking outside. Sometimes we thing we’ve found the ideal partner who embodies all that is good, beautiful, and true. That person may be a romantic partner, a friend, or a spiritual teacher. We see all the good in that person and we fall in love. After a time, we usually discover that we’ve had a wrong perception of that person, and we become disappointed.
p.95 – Beauty and goodness are there in each of us. A true spiritual partner is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking. A true teacher is someone who helps you discover the teacher in yourself.
p.97 – PRACTICE: Happiness is made up of our mindfulness, concentration, and insight. Each time we practice sitting meditation, walking meditation, awareness of breathing, loving speech, deep listening, or any other mindfulness practice, our roots are growing stronger and deeper and we are gaining more solidity and strength.
When we see that the practice works, slowly our faith in it grows. Our faith is always based on empirical evidence. We do not believe it just because it has been repeated many times by others.
p.100 – You have two gardens: your own garden and that of your beloved. First, you have to take care of your own garden and master the art of gardening. In each one of us there are flowers and garbage. The garbage is the anger, fear, discrimination, and jealousy within us. If you water the garbage, you will strengthen the negative seeds. If you water the flowers of compassion, understanding, and love, you will strengthen the positive seeds. What you grow is up to you. If you don’t know how to practice selective watering in your own garden, then you won’t have enough wisdom to help water the flowers in the garden of your beloved. In cultivating your own garden well, you also help to cultivate their garden.
When we commit to another person, we make a promise to grow together, sharing the fruit and progress of practice. It is our responsibility to take care of each other. Every time the other person does something in the direction of change and growth, we should show our appreciation.
p.103 – HOME: In our true home together there is only relaxation, liberation, and joy.
p.115 – Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
p.18 – When we’re lonely and cut off, when we suffer and need healing, that is the time to come home to ourselves. We may also need to be close to another person. But if, right away, we’re sexually intimate with someone we’ve just met, that relationship won’t heal or warm us. It will just be a distraction.
You have to learn how to be comfortable with yourself and focus on making your own home within.
p.19 – Once you can deal with your emotions and handle the difficulties of your daily life, then you have something to offer to another person. The other person has to do the same thing. Both people have to heal on their own so they feel at ease in themselves; then they can become a home for each other. Otherwise, all that we share in physical intimacy is our loneliness and suffering.
Spirituality doesn’t mean a belief in a specific spiritual teaching. Everyone needs a spiritual dimension in his or her life. Without a spiritual dimension, we can’t deal with the daily difficulties we encounter. Mindfulness can be an important aspect of your spiritual path, whether or not you are a religious practitioner. Your spiritual practice can help you deals with your strong emotions. It can help you to listen and embrace your own suffering, and help you to recognize and embrace the suffering of your partner and loved ones.
p.21 – Every human being wants to love and be loved. This is very natural. But often love, desire, need, and fear get wrapped up all together.
p.33 – To love, in the true sense of the word, is to feel no discrimination. We should have the element of equanimity, so that we can love without boundaries. Equanimity is the absence of the three complexes – better, worse, equal. We no longer discriminate. We are able to embrace everything and we no longer suffer. When there is love without discrimination, there is also an absence of suffering.
p.50 – Most of us live in environments where we have numerous opportunities to become busy and burdened. We go from event to event, from person to person, and the environment quickly pulls us away from mindfulness practice. We may have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a partner, or a spouse, yet we still have unfulfilled sensual desires. It compels us to leave that person to follow another. The monkey swings from branch to branch in search of fruit. It eats one first, but it still craves another. Without delusion and craving, we wouldn’t be caught by desire.
p.51 – It’s not other people who confine us; we confine ourselves. If we feel trapped, it’s due to our own actions. No one is forcing us to tie ourselves up.
p.55 – Understanding is the other name of love. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.
To offer understanding means to offer love. Without understanding, the more we “love,” the more we make ourselves and others suffer.
p.57 – Understanding another person isn’t possible until we have practised looking deeply at ourselves.
p.59 – Someone who can understand our suffering is our best friend.
p.65 – We tend to think that in order to be happy, we need certain outside conditions; we must have this or that before happiness can arrive. But happiness comes from our way of looking at things. We’re not happy, but other people under the same conditions are happy.
Our happiness depends on our insight.
p.67 – Releasing our cows – The cows represent the things to which we are attached. So the practice is to learn to release our cows. Sit down and breathe in and out in mindfulness and concentration, and identify your cows. Call your cows by their true names, and see whether you have the ability to release any of them. The more you release, the happier you become.
p.68 – Many of us caught in our ideas of how we can be truly happy. We are attached to a number of things that we think are crucial for out well-being. We may have suffered a lot because of our attachment to those things, but we don’t have the courage to release them; it doesn’t feel safe to do so. But it may be that we continue to suffer because of our attachment to those things. It may be a person, a material object, a position in society, anything. We think that without that person or thing we will not be safe, and that is why we’re caught by it.
p.69 – Happiness depends first of all on having the deep desire for happiness, and then on having a spiritual path to follow. Every day, do some little thing on that path, and you will be happy. Don’t try to do big things. Do small things to make yourself happier, to make your friends happier.
p.75 – True love makes us happy. If love doesn’t make us happy, it’s not love, it’s something else.
True love of maitri (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (joy), and upeska (equanimity and non-discrimination). True love brings joy and peace, and relieves suffering. You don’t need another person to practice love. Practice love on yourself. When you succeed, loving another person becomes natural. Your love will be like a lamp that shines; it will make many, many people happy.
The holy spirit is made of mindfulness, concentration, and insight. When you practice the four qualities of true love, your love is healing and transformative.
p.76 – Love is friendship, and that friendship should bring about happiness. To be a friend means to offer happiness. If love doesn’t offer happiness, if it makes the other person cry all the time, then it’s not love; it’s the opposite.
Self-love is the foundation for loving another person. If you don’t know how to love and offer happiness to yourself, how can you love and offer happiness to another person? If you don’t know anything about happiness, how can you offer it? Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness, and then you’ll be able to offer it to another person.
p.78 – COMPASSION: We need to not only recognize the suffering, pain, and difficulties within us, we need to devote time to dealing with them and transforming them. Using mindfulness and concentration, we can nurture our own feelings of joy and happiness.
The word “compassion” does not reflect the true meaning of karuna. The prefix “com” means “together” and “passion” means “to suffer.” So to be compassionate means to suffer together with the other person. But karuna doesn’t require suffering. Karuna is the capacity to relieve suffering. It’s the capacity to relive suffering in you and in the other person. When you know the practice of mindful breathing; of tenderly holding your pain and sorrow; of looking deeply into the nature of suffering; then you can transform that suffering and bring relief. You don’t have to suffer, and you don’t have to suffer with the other person.
p.79 – We have to distinguish between the willingness to love and the capacity to love. You may be motivated by the willingness to love, but if that is your only motivation, the other person will suffer. So the willingness to love is not yet love. Many parents love their children. Yet they make them suffering a lot in the name of love. They’re often not capable of understanding their children’s suffering, difficulties, hopes, and aspirations. We have to ask ourselves, “Am I really loving the other person by understanding them or am I just projecting my own needs?”
Love doesn’t just mean the intention or willingness to make someone happy, but the capacity to do so. That capacity to love is something you have to learn and cultivate. Look into yourself and recognize the suffering in yourself. If you recognize, embrace, and transform your suffering and difficulties, then you are loving yourself. Based on that experience, you will succeed in helping another person to do the same, bringing a feeling of joy and happiness.
p.80 – EQUANIMITY: In true love, there is no distinction between the one who loves and the one who is loved. Your suffering is my suffering. My happiness is your happiness. Lover and beloved are one. There’s no longer any barrier. True love has this element of the abolishing of self. Happiness is no longer an individual matter. Suffering is also no longer an individual matter. There’s no distinction between us.
p.88 – We need to practice mindfulness daily in order to fulfill our aspiration. We need to patiently pursue our aspiration, but we don’t lose the present moment – we enjoy the present moment and we use it to realize our deepest desire.
Inside each of us is a great being, someone peaceful, fill of light, understanding, and compassion. This person carries a sword of understanding that cuts through the bonds of suffering. With great understanding, we see the way out of our bondage.
p.89 – The name Buddha mean “one who is awake.” When Siddhartha woke up to the reality of the world all around him and made his vow to love fully in each moment, he was thirty-five years old.
p.90 – Becoming a Buddha is not so difficult. A Buddha is someone who is enlightened, capable of loving and forgiving. You know that at times you’re like that. So enjoy being a Buddha when you can.
When we behave as if we don’t believe in our inherent goodness and that of others, then we blame ourselves and others for our suffering and we lose our happiness. You can use the goodness in yourself to transform your suffering and the tendency to be angry, cruel, and afraid. But don’t throw your suffering away. Use it. Your suffering is the compost that gives you the understanding to nourish your happiness and the happiness of your loved ones.
p.93 – When you first commit to someone, you have a beautiful image of them and you commit to that image rather than the person. When you live with the person twenty-four hours a day, you begin to discover the reality of the other person doesn’t quite correspond with the image you have of him or her. Sometimes you’re disappointed.
p.94 – Many of us feel unworthy. We’re thirsty for truth, goodness, compassion, spiritual beauty, and we’re sure these things don’t exist within us, so we go looking outside. Sometimes we thing we’ve found the ideal partner who embodies all that is good, beautiful, and true. That person may be a romantic partner, a friend, or a spiritual teacher. We see all the good in that person and we fall in love. After a time, we usually discover that we’ve had a wrong perception of that person, and we become disappointed.
p.95 – Beauty and goodness are there in each of us. A true spiritual partner is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking. A true teacher is someone who helps you discover the teacher in yourself.
p.97 – PRACTICE: Happiness is made up of our mindfulness, concentration, and insight. Each time we practice sitting meditation, walking meditation, awareness of breathing, loving speech, deep listening, or any other mindfulness practice, our roots are growing stronger and deeper and we are gaining more solidity and strength.
When we see that the practice works, slowly our faith in it grows. Our faith is always based on empirical evidence. We do not believe it just because it has been repeated many times by others.
p.100 – You have two gardens: your own garden and that of your beloved. First, you have to take care of your own garden and master the art of gardening. In each one of us there are flowers and garbage. The garbage is the anger, fear, discrimination, and jealousy within us. If you water the garbage, you will strengthen the negative seeds. If you water the flowers of compassion, understanding, and love, you will strengthen the positive seeds. What you grow is up to you. If you don’t know how to practice selective watering in your own garden, then you won’t have enough wisdom to help water the flowers in the garden of your beloved. In cultivating your own garden well, you also help to cultivate their garden.
When we commit to another person, we make a promise to grow together, sharing the fruit and progress of practice. It is our responsibility to take care of each other. Every time the other person does something in the direction of change and growth, we should show our appreciation.
p.103 – HOME: In our true home together there is only relaxation, liberation, and joy.
p.115 – Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
April 19, 2019
Such a beautiful book it is.
Under practices 'Beginning Anew' was the most beautiful of it all.
Hope not just as couples, but as families or even at work places or schools or colleges people practice such beautiful things and lead a happy life.
Under practices 'Beginning Anew' was the most beautiful of it all.
Hope not just as couples, but as families or even at work places or schools or colleges people practice such beautiful things and lead a happy life.
November 29, 2020
Another fantastic volume from this teacher. He is so engaged and I learn much from his writings.
February 16, 2013
Thich Nhat Hahn writes from the most lovely place of peace and love. This book is one that every person that is in a relationship, or would like to be in one that is healthy at some point, could benefit from. Some much of this book is about loving yourself. Loving enough to be accepting of yourself, see your feelings clearly and finding a way to nurture whatever it is that you do feel. There is no "wrong" feeling, but you must find the reason for them and the clarity in what they tell you about your own issues.
Love has no attachment. This is a hard one for western minds to hear. I've tried to explain it, but it is so foreign. We've all heard the saying were if you love someone, set them free- if they return it was meant to be, if not, then it wasn't. It is sort of like that, but there is never any ownership of any kind at any point. There is just love. Not need. Not that you aren't there for your loved ones and that they aren't there for you, but it is not an obligation. It is an honest decision from love. If you love, you will be there. If you are loved, they will be too. It is so very simple.
The only reason I can't give it 5 stars (I'd do 4.5 if I could!) is because there is more buddhist influence and more monk influence than suits me at certain points (the end, mainly). Monks are humans with sexual feelings too, but not allowed to express that, so I would say that the nurturing those feelings into something other than passion is the goal for the author, whereas a healthy adult with a sexual appetite might opt to manifest that sexual energy in a way that is acceptable rather than changing those feelings. It wasn't a pervasive message, but one that was there and didn't ring as true for me. That being said, it is a wonderful book and I feel that it has helped me grow in many ways. My husband (not a reader) read it too and felt very much the same.
Love has no attachment. This is a hard one for western minds to hear. I've tried to explain it, but it is so foreign. We've all heard the saying were if you love someone, set them free- if they return it was meant to be, if not, then it wasn't. It is sort of like that, but there is never any ownership of any kind at any point. There is just love. Not need. Not that you aren't there for your loved ones and that they aren't there for you, but it is not an obligation. It is an honest decision from love. If you love, you will be there. If you are loved, they will be too. It is so very simple.
The only reason I can't give it 5 stars (I'd do 4.5 if I could!) is because there is more buddhist influence and more monk influence than suits me at certain points (the end, mainly). Monks are humans with sexual feelings too, but not allowed to express that, so I would say that the nurturing those feelings into something other than passion is the goal for the author, whereas a healthy adult with a sexual appetite might opt to manifest that sexual energy in a way that is acceptable rather than changing those feelings. It wasn't a pervasive message, but one that was there and didn't ring as true for me. That being said, it is a wonderful book and I feel that it has helped me grow in many ways. My husband (not a reader) read it too and felt very much the same.
May 10, 2013
"You have to learn how to be comfortable with yourself and focus on making your own home within. Once you have a spiritual path, you have a home. Once you can deal with your emotions and handle the difficulties of your daily life, then you have something to offer to another person. The other person has to do the same thing. Both people have to heal on their own so they feel at ease in themselves; then they can become a home for each other." - beautiful, simple truths that take a long time to learn how to live by, too long.
December 5, 2015
Although this book comes from a Buddhist teacher, and although there are mentions of the Buddha and the sutras, this book has excellent advice for all people on how to cultivate a romantic relationship that is successful and long-lasting. Anyone of any belief system could benefit from this work that was written with peace.
November 14, 2016
This short book is full of wisdom and I'd like to read it again someday. At the time of this reading, I needed something more practical, that could directly be put into practice. The principles espoused felt way too spiritually abstruse and out of reach.
November 5, 2016
Really enjoyed this book. Just simple and thoughtful ways to understanding the deep meaning of fidelity.
October 5, 2021
But fidelity is not a question of survival. It is one of vitality
OK it's intended to be read many times
OK it's intended to be read many times
October 12, 2021
Anyone who has been regularly following my reading updates would know that I am not the type of person who reads self help and motivational books. Yet I was interested in this latest publication by Aleph Book Company. This was primarily because of the brand name of the author- Thich Nhat Hanh. I have not read any book by him but I wanted to give this one a try. Having finished this rather short book, I am quite happy with my experience.
The book is subtitled ‘How to create a loving relationship that lasts’. So that is what you can expect from this book. The book manages to fulfil what it promises, without being preachy at any moment. And this is what I believe is the strength of this book. The reason why I don’t like reading self-help books is that they tend to be instructive and dogmatic. But this book was different in that respect, and therefore I cherished my experience of reading it.
The book does not straightaway begin with its proposed theme; it progresses gradually towards that topic, beginning first with some of the basic principles of the practice of Zen Buddhism. I found it to be a great strategy, and I also feel that what ultimately emerges as the major takeaway from this book are those very principles only, and not the advice concerning fidelity in a relationship. This is not to say that the passages on fidelity aren’t that good, because as I have mentioned earlier the book does succeed in fulfilling what it promises.
For those who haven’t read anything by Thich Nhat Hanh, I feel, this book is a great starting point. Not only is it very short in length, but it also presents the arguments very convincingly so that the reader is never lost in abstract ideas. However those who have read the earlier works of the author might find certain ideas being repeated in this one. I say this just on the basis of my reading of this book. So I might be wrong. As a final word I would say that this one is definitely recommended.
My Rating: **** (4.25/5)
The book is subtitled ‘How to create a loving relationship that lasts’. So that is what you can expect from this book. The book manages to fulfil what it promises, without being preachy at any moment. And this is what I believe is the strength of this book. The reason why I don’t like reading self-help books is that they tend to be instructive and dogmatic. But this book was different in that respect, and therefore I cherished my experience of reading it.
The book does not straightaway begin with its proposed theme; it progresses gradually towards that topic, beginning first with some of the basic principles of the practice of Zen Buddhism. I found it to be a great strategy, and I also feel that what ultimately emerges as the major takeaway from this book are those very principles only, and not the advice concerning fidelity in a relationship. This is not to say that the passages on fidelity aren’t that good, because as I have mentioned earlier the book does succeed in fulfilling what it promises.
For those who haven’t read anything by Thich Nhat Hanh, I feel, this book is a great starting point. Not only is it very short in length, but it also presents the arguments very convincingly so that the reader is never lost in abstract ideas. However those who have read the earlier works of the author might find certain ideas being repeated in this one. I say this just on the basis of my reading of this book. So I might be wrong. As a final word I would say that this one is definitely recommended.
My Rating: **** (4.25/5)
April 19, 2020
“Every single person contains the seeds of goodness, kindness, and enlightenment... When we act as if people have these seeds inside them, it gives us and them the strength and energy to help these seeds grow and flower.”
“If your love is true love, it will benefit not only humans, but also animals, plants, and minerals.”
“First we develop the capacity of letting go. Then we develop the capacity of being mindful. Then we can see that happiness is already available.”
“Such concentration increases the quality of our happiness. Suppose you have a cup of tea. When you’re mindful and concentrated, your tea becomes something very real and the time of tea drinking makes you so happy. Your mind is not disturbed. It’s not dwelling in the past, in the future, or on your current projects. Your mind is focused entirely on the tea.”
“If we see an image and are seduced by it, it is because we don’t know how to contemplate impermanence. Ignorant, we think that that form is wholesome and beautiful. We don’t know that appearance doesn’t contain anything real and long-lasting within it.”
“If your love is true love, it will benefit not only humans, but also animals, plants, and minerals.”
“First we develop the capacity of letting go. Then we develop the capacity of being mindful. Then we can see that happiness is already available.”
“Such concentration increases the quality of our happiness. Suppose you have a cup of tea. When you’re mindful and concentrated, your tea becomes something very real and the time of tea drinking makes you so happy. Your mind is not disturbed. It’s not dwelling in the past, in the future, or on your current projects. Your mind is focused entirely on the tea.”
“If we see an image and are seduced by it, it is because we don’t know how to contemplate impermanence. Ignorant, we think that that form is wholesome and beautiful. We don’t know that appearance doesn’t contain anything real and long-lasting within it.”
January 21, 2022
3.8/5
Picked this one randomly out of interest off the shelf at the library. A quick read on relationships, spirituality, and intimacy from a well-known Vietnamese monk's perspective.
Quotes:
We can tell the correct way to love because, when we love correctly, we don’t create more suffering.
We are all motivated by love. Love can be our greatest joy or – when it gets confused with craving and attachment – our greatest suffering.
Many young people don’t accept who they are, and yet they want to be a home for someone else. But how can they be if they’re not yet a home for themselves?
Nothing is lost; nothing is created; everything is transformed [quoting French chemist Antoine Lavoisier]
Understanding is the other name of love. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.
The most precious inheritance parents can leave their children is their own happiness. Parents’ happiness is the most valuable gift they can give their children.
A human being is a universe to discover. What we see is often just the shell; the truth isn’t easy to know.
Loneliness can only be healed by understanding and love.
Someone who can understand our suffering is our best friend.
Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness, and then you’ll be able to offer it to another person.
Understanding suffering is the very foundation of happiness. If you don’t know how to handle a painful feeling in you, how can you help another person to do so?
Of course you still have your freedom, and your partner still has her freedom intact. Love is not a kind of prison. True love gives us a lot of space.
A true spiritual partner is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking. A true teacher is someone who helps you discover the teacher in yourself.
Hearing something, we should examine it closely, comprehend it, and apply it. If, when we apply it, there is a result, then we can have faith in it. If there is no result, then we should not have faith in it just because of custom, scripture, or some spiritual teacher … our faith is always based on empirical evidence. We do not believe it just because it has been repeated many times by others.
When the three roots of faith, practice, and community support have fed us deeply, then we will be solid both alone and in our relationships.
The problem is not one of being wrong or right, but one of being more or less skillful. Living together is an art.
1. We are aware that all generations of our ancestors and all future generations are present with us.
2. We are aware of the expectations that our ancestors, our children, and their children have of us.
3. We are aware that our joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are the joy, peace, freedom, and harmony of our ancestors, our children, and their children.
4. We are aware that understanding is the very foundation of love.
5. We are aware that blaming and arguing can never help us and only create a wider gap between us; that only understanding, trust, and love can help us change and grow.
Picked this one randomly out of interest off the shelf at the library. A quick read on relationships, spirituality, and intimacy from a well-known Vietnamese monk's perspective.
Quotes:
We can tell the correct way to love because, when we love correctly, we don’t create more suffering.
We are all motivated by love. Love can be our greatest joy or – when it gets confused with craving and attachment – our greatest suffering.
Many young people don’t accept who they are, and yet they want to be a home for someone else. But how can they be if they’re not yet a home for themselves?
Nothing is lost; nothing is created; everything is transformed [quoting French chemist Antoine Lavoisier]
Understanding is the other name of love. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.
The most precious inheritance parents can leave their children is their own happiness. Parents’ happiness is the most valuable gift they can give their children.
A human being is a universe to discover. What we see is often just the shell; the truth isn’t easy to know.
Loneliness can only be healed by understanding and love.
Someone who can understand our suffering is our best friend.
Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness, and then you’ll be able to offer it to another person.
Understanding suffering is the very foundation of happiness. If you don’t know how to handle a painful feeling in you, how can you help another person to do so?
Of course you still have your freedom, and your partner still has her freedom intact. Love is not a kind of prison. True love gives us a lot of space.
A true spiritual partner is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking. A true teacher is someone who helps you discover the teacher in yourself.
Hearing something, we should examine it closely, comprehend it, and apply it. If, when we apply it, there is a result, then we can have faith in it. If there is no result, then we should not have faith in it just because of custom, scripture, or some spiritual teacher … our faith is always based on empirical evidence. We do not believe it just because it has been repeated many times by others.
When the three roots of faith, practice, and community support have fed us deeply, then we will be solid both alone and in our relationships.
The problem is not one of being wrong or right, but one of being more or less skillful. Living together is an art.
1. We are aware that all generations of our ancestors and all future generations are present with us.
2. We are aware of the expectations that our ancestors, our children, and their children have of us.
3. We are aware that our joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are the joy, peace, freedom, and harmony of our ancestors, our children, and their children.
4. We are aware that understanding is the very foundation of love.
5. We are aware that blaming and arguing can never help us and only create a wider gap between us; that only understanding, trust, and love can help us change and grow.
Read
July 2, 2019Lovely quick read, taking a buddhist approach to love and the seperation of sensual love from true love. In today's perceptions its very hard to remove the idea of attachment to something or someone, and he pushes this point strongly, that true love is one without attachment. He also goes into depth on how to cultivate a healthy love, through meditative practices and mindfulness. If you're like me and already interested in the meditative and mindfulness practice and wish to apply it to your partnership/love life this book might be something to look into reading.
October 7, 2017
Another lovely little book by Thich Nhat Hanh. I heartily recommend it to all, with the following caveat: the book is mostly about sensual desire. Maybe that would not have made for a catchy title for people to read, at least not as catchy as "Fidelity." Still, this book is like, entirely, 100% about sensual desire, and Buddhist views on sensual desire. So keep that in mind!
March 27, 2023
Ak hľadáš knihu, ktorá ti ukáže ako vybudovať zdravé vzťahy, ako prijať partnera takého, aký je a aj to, ako pracovať s emóciami - siahni po tejto knihe. Neostáva len pri teórií, aj v tejto knihe nájdeš praktické a dychové cvičenia. V knihe nájdeš aj témy ako osamelosť, odpustenie, porozumenie, intimita, túžba a mnoho ďalších.
August 2, 2025
A quiet, grounding reminder that love is a daily practice rooted in presence, compassion, and honesty. It helped me see fidelity not just as loyalty to another, but as a deeper commitment to truth and care in how we show up for ourselves and others. Simple, reflective, and something I’ll return to when I need clarity in love.
July 11, 2020
As always, Thich Nhat Hanh delivers a beautiful message that asks us to reflect inward, be accountable, and reduce the suffering of those around us. I loved the last 10 or so pages.
3 stars because it lacked the poetic writing style that I've grown to expect from Thich Nhat Hahn.
3 stars because it lacked the poetic writing style that I've grown to expect from Thich Nhat Hahn.
August 8, 2022
Read it during a flight from Bengaluru to Delhi. Much of its ideas were in sync with my instincts about lust and love. But, it required a retelling in a different tone and tenor for me to reinforce the same beliefs. But I do like many other things about this book. Detailed review coming soon.
April 19, 2025
Rating - 2.7 stars
NPS - 5 (Detractor)
Read it only if you are going through a rough patch in your romantic relationship.
Otherwise, skip.
Good teachings, just that I have managed to learn all of this through experience.
NPS - 5 (Detractor)
Read it only if you are going through a rough patch in your romantic relationship.
Otherwise, skip.
Good teachings, just that I have managed to learn all of this through experience.
April 27, 2025
Very nice little book with quite a lot of practical advice. If you've already listened to Thich Nhat Hanh's talks or read any of his other books, it might seem repetitive at first, but I think there's still a lot of wisdom to be found in his words.
April 16, 2018
life changer
July 31, 2018
"In life there are many worries and sorrows, but there's no greater sorrow than that brought by sensual love." P. 105.
March 3, 2022
Never nothing less than 5 stars for Thây.
August 13, 2022
读的第一本一行禅师的书籍，很可惜在他去世的这一年，由于种种机缘巧合得知他，从开始阅读就充满了爱的能量，书的字里行间里面充斥着爱的光芒，读者会让人心里暖暖的，
November 17, 2023
A good read. It made me think about the relationships I have experienced and am experiencing. A bit of a long read, took me awhile.
May 4, 2025
Good read, interesting perspective from a Buddhist on romantic relationship.
August 8, 2025
A tad disjointed and paradoxical, but thoughtful and inviting.
March 6, 2017
Thich Nhat Hanh (or 'Thay' as he his called by his friends) is known for his very unique and intimate style of writing. He makes you feel at ease just by reading his words.
I bought his book at Plum Village, his monastery in the South of France during a one-month retreat. This rather smallbooklet has become somewhat precious to me as it reminds me of some basic -but easily forgotten- wisdom for daily life.
The title refers to 'How to Create a Loving Relationship'. While this book is certainly about relationships, there is much more to it. It is about noting the difference between 'true love' and 'sensual love'. Which can be applied in any relationship as well as daily life. He writes that we are continuously exposed to a wide range of desires. Whether it be a new watch, a pair of shoes or engaging into sexual relationships. The author states that getting lost into sensual love in absence of true love could create suffering in the relationship with yourself and the relationship with your partner. Learning to love oneself is just as important as learning to love another.
Learning the difference between true love and sensual love, you can also learn to truly appreciate and love your partner. The writer states that it is important to note on what values your love for your partner is based on. Without being aware, our love for another can be driven by the need for sexual activity, the need for attention, affirmation, our own insecurities etc. This is a rather unstable source of love and happiness within our relationship, as once our partner is not able to fulfill our desires, what happens to our love for this person?
Thay portraits a deep understanding on the question as well as his own answer. Although written from a buddhist's perspective, I can recommend this book to anyone regardless of age, sex, religion or background who is interested how to deepen the relationship with oneself and his/her partner. Food for thought it is!
I bought his book at Plum Village, his monastery in the South of France during a one-month retreat. This rather smallbooklet has become somewhat precious to me as it reminds me of some basic -but easily forgotten- wisdom for daily life.
The title refers to 'How to Create a Loving Relationship'. While this book is certainly about relationships, there is much more to it. It is about noting the difference between 'true love' and 'sensual love'. Which can be applied in any relationship as well as daily life. He writes that we are continuously exposed to a wide range of desires. Whether it be a new watch, a pair of shoes or engaging into sexual relationships. The author states that getting lost into sensual love in absence of true love could create suffering in the relationship with yourself and the relationship with your partner. Learning to love oneself is just as important as learning to love another.
Learning the difference between true love and sensual love, you can also learn to truly appreciate and love your partner. The writer states that it is important to note on what values your love for your partner is based on. Without being aware, our love for another can be driven by the need for sexual activity, the need for attention, affirmation, our own insecurities etc. This is a rather unstable source of love and happiness within our relationship, as once our partner is not able to fulfill our desires, what happens to our love for this person?
Thay portraits a deep understanding on the question as well as his own answer. Although written from a buddhist's perspective, I can recommend this book to anyone regardless of age, sex, religion or background who is interested how to deepen the relationship with oneself and his/her partner. Food for thought it is!
December 27, 2017
Among Buddhist leaders influential in the West, Thich Nhat Hanh ranks second only to the Dalai Lama. Thank you Thay for bringing so much joy into our lives. I agree wholeheartedly... it seems simple to say that love is made of understanding but it is not easy to practice.
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