這一次，你該捨不得的是自己

by Jamye Waxman, 羅亞琪 (Translator)

寫給每一個放不下、走不開、捨不得的你，
一本關於療傷、關於復原、關於蛻變、關於成長的勇氣之書

一段過期的關係，就像過期的食品需要汰換，否則只會讓你受傷，當摯友不再是摯友，戀人不再是戀人，敬重的父母卻成為痛苦的來源，如果一段關係只剩下心力交瘁的羈絆，你該捨不得的不應再是對方，而是因為放不開手而遍體鱗傷的自己

曾經以為是天長地久的甜蜜，最後變成層出不窮的爭執，這樣的戀情，該怎麼漂亮地放手？曾經以為是疲憊時最終的避風港，卻成為一踏進就疲憊的地方，這樣的家庭，該怎麼不再讓它傷害自己？曾經以為是推心置腹的交情，最後卻落得被人予取予求，這樣失衡的友誼，該怎麼勇敢畫下句點？

無論是不願傾聽你的朋友、始終想掌控你的父母，不再愛你的另一半，或是不斷消磨成就感的工作，告別那些摧毀我們精力、消耗我們情感的人事物，我們就能夠將空出來的位置，用更美好的經驗填滿。

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology

304 pages, Paperback

First published September 15, 2015

About the author

Jamye Waxman is a writer, author, sex educator and maker of erotic videos. She has written sex advice and other articles for magazines including Playgirl, Men's Health, Women's Health, Zink and on Zug.com.

Reviews

[Shell · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who always wants to make something work because we feel like it "should" this book had me at the word "anyone". Not really a "How to" book... but more of a "permission granted". You know there are just some relationships that are unhealthy (not just with a significant other, but it can be breaking up with a friend or even a family member).

We know the how to part of walking away...but what comes after? How do you deal with that? The 'emotional' part of said break up.

I finished reading this and felt like I could finally have closure. It's okay to let go of something that's not working. Not every relationship is worth fighting for....and that's okay.

Permission granted to end it before it ends you.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very useful book. I am sure it would be useful to others... Often we do not realize that we can "break up with" family members and friends who are toxic to us. (And that it's okay!) If someone is emotionally or physically abusive you need to set boundaries, do your best to repair/heal relationships, and then realize when it's time to truly let go. Often times parents do not know how to teach, set, or sometimes even respect the boundaries of themselves and their child. To assume that relationships need to remain a part of your life just because you were born into a situation or have always had that person in your life is unwise. Change what you can and let go of those that hurt you.
Great book. There definitely needs to be more like it.

[Marina G. Roussou · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book shall educate you on how to end relationships in a respectful & healthy manner. Nearly everyone will face a breakup at some point, whether it's with a lover, family, friend, or even in profession setting. This book gives u constructive ways to navigate these emotionally complex situations.

The book underscores the importance of taking care of one's emotional well-being before, during, & after a breakup.

You can learn thru this book how to process ur feelings, heal from emotional wounds & move forward in a positive direction.

Author offers insights on effective communication on how you can clearly articulate feelings & needs, to help reduce misunderstandings & minimize hurtful conflicts.

Instead of promoting a victim mentality this book will equip you with tools to take control of ur own narrative, enabling you to end relationships with dignity & grace.

The book can make you introspect, helping y identify patterns in your relationships and understand the reasons behind your choices 💋

[Riley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed that this book didn't solely focus on people; it also addresses breaking up with your workplace, old dreams, identity, etc. that is very internal. This book gave a lot of great perspectives on how to work through tough feelings of failure, rejection, loss, grief, disappointment, guilt, and everything that goes into admitting vulnerable emotions and dealing with them at face value. The only thing I didn't like was that it was pretty repetitive in terms of the final solution - communicate it to the person that you're not interested in continuing whatever relationship you have with them. I get that it sets both parties free without too much wondering of "why," however, I felt maybe this message could have been more adapted to each scenario. The real-life snippets from other people were helpful in that area. Overall great book about establishing boundaries for every relationship, including yourself.

[Heather Leblanc · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bogus. Unhelpful. And every page is headed with her degree: M.Ed. Which convinces me once again how virtually useless that degree is to anyone but a teacher. Which Ms. Waxman is not, at least under the auspices of advice giver. She wants to be seen as a therapist/life-coach but simply tells you the obvious and then peppers it with meaningless anecdotal "evidence" from "real life". E.g., someone ranting of how she found herself no longer "friends" with her "best friend" on Facebook one day. Solution? To never speak to her again, to never ask why or what happened, and to block her from any future posts, PLUS refuse to return her phone calls, etc. I thought this drama was reserved for high school cafeterias. Ugh.

[Yvonne · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting book discussing the lack of attention placed on ending non-romantic relationships. The author makes note of how ending different types of friendships, associations and partnerships can be just as emotionally jarring as breaking up with a spouse or lover. While Jamye Waxman points out much current medical and sociological information, I did find her writing style a bit too smarmy for my tastes -- it often rang with air of a person who barely knows you trying to be your best friend -- and therefore, a little patronizing. However, this tendency is balanced with true life examples of people who have ended bad relationships or have had relationships ended for them. A good handbook for someone who needs to navigate a bunch of uncomfortable circumstances rarely given much social attention in American culture.

[Rachel Cook · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wordyyyy wow why was that so long?? I’ll admit I sped read most of this book once I realized it wasn’t going to have much helpful insight. The writing was cringey, long-winded, and repetitive. The organization of the book also really didn’t work for me. All around not useful for me personally.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

如果過度強調寬恕，受到他人痛苦折磨的一方反而會產生罪惡感，覺得自己缺乏寬恕他人的能力

[EstherK · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jamye's super-smart and accessible advice is easy-to-read, relatable and entertaining. She gives practical advice not just from her own experience as a relationships and sex therapist, but having surveyed many others on their techniques and strategies. But really, beyond the "how to," she examines the "why" - why do people grow apart, concentrating not just on the typical relationship breakups but the drifting apart of friendships, the souring of those relationships through distance or differentiation or the fluctuations of life's demands and interests. She even includes a chapter on breaking up with your gender, a subject which I've never considered but is apparently a helpful frame for many who struggle.

One thing I wish weren't missing: content about what to do when/how to cope with realizing that you've been broken up with, and you've tried to repair things, and the relationship just goes away. The grief after that is a hard thing to deal with - maybe that's a whole other book. :)

And as someone who knows Jamye personally, I can vouch for the fact that this is her authentic voice - honest, funny and sensitive. Consider this a way to access her wisdom, even if you haven't met her in real life. :)

[Hazel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This might seem like an odd book to read but I'm in agreeance on a logical level with the ideology of this book. However it is something I struggle with conceiving. But why does society fuel us with "boys are whatever. friends are forever."
Are friends truly forever??? When a lover leaves when the going gets tough; well, it's no shocker. "Oh, what an asshole! They were no good for you!" but yet society fills us with these unfulfilled promises of eternal friendship. But it's false. People still leave you. And likewise, it's okay to distance yourself from toxic people in your life.

I like the way this book brought out all of it's points and if you're unsure about your "breakup" (in whatever form it may be) this book offers practical advice as to what should be tolerated and what shouldn't. Self-preservation with the goal of happiness I suppose.
Maybe some would find this to be a selfish plight, but I would recommend this book to anyone who thinks they may have toxic people in their lives and are left unsure and feeling stuck with the stigma attached with their friendship, etc...

[M · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the break up playlist. ;)

[Tina Panik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full of practical advice for ending, changing, or redefining every non-romantic relationship in your life. Very helpful.