If You Look For Me, I Am Not Here

by Sarayu Srivatsa

When Malika loses her longed for daughter at birth, it is not the only loss in the the surviving twin—a boy—loses the love of his mother. He grows up needing to be the daughter his mother wants. This is a moving family portrait, richly coloured by the vibrant culture and landscape of India, where history, religion and gender collide in a family scarred by the past and struggling with the present.

Genres: Fiction, Contemporary, India

300 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 28, 2016

Reviews

[s · Rating 5 out of 5]

Set in a newly independent India, If You Look For Me, I Am Not Here tells the beautiful story of a young boy named Siva. Born to a mother who longs for a daughter, Siva, the surviving male twin is rejected by his mother following his sister’s death at birth. Dealing with a fate beyond his control, what unfolds is a stunning story about loss, change, identity and the cyclical nature of history. Siva’s life, much like the newly independent India in which it is set, is subject to brutal external factors and an inherited legacy of pain. As colonial rule leaves India in upheaval, suspended between an imperialist past and new found liberation, She is pulled apart and so too is Siva. Torn between who he is and who he feels he should be, his identity is questioned and explored beyond the usual gender binary. Resisting the identity limitations that are imposed by largely Christian ideals Siva unwittingly emulates his namesake. The millenia old androgynous Hindu idol who represents male and female (Ardhanarishvara), who is neither born nor dead and encapsulates contradictory elements in order to bring about positive change and balance. Srivatsa writes with immense skill and a deftness of touch that is both deeply moving and empowering. She draws on the strengths of thousands of years’ heritage to help summon the power to prevent history repeating itself. Yet her themes are understated, current and profound, simultaneously celebrating and criticising India. As an Asian in the diaspora this is exactly the type of story I want/need to read, because it feels like it was written for me. Let me explain.. read the rest of this review at https://thepocobookreader.com/2016/03...

[Vani Viswanathan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Was tempted to give up but kept giving the book a chance to redeem itself. I think I picked up this book based on a list on Time, but couldn't personally understand why it would have made the list. None of the characters were fleshed out, they were mostly linear - such that the protagonist and his mother were the weakest characters. The ones in the periphery were much better written. And the author hasn't done a good enough job in authentically creating a freshly independent India - you have people called Sweetie-Cutie, there's hardly any local language-ness coming through. But i enjoyed the premise of the story... how did Indians deal with the ambiguity of gender in children? Much better than we do now, apparently.

[Jasmine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I hope everyone who’s read this is okay. I know I’m not. The psychological disturbance is not worth the 3 weeks I spent reading it. I feel sick to my stomach, and if you don’t feel the same way then I’m concerned for you.

The fact that this is a set text on my university course just disturbs me even more.

[Snoakes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an intriguing novel about identity and gender. Told from Siva's viewpoint as he grows from a child to adolescence, it centres on his confusion about who he is - a half-and-half, a twinless twin. Set against this is his mother's grief for the daughter she lost and her subsequent rejection of Siva and the story of George Gibbs - the Englishman who once owned Siva's home Victoria Villas and founded the George Gibbs institute where his Appa works studying malarial mosquitoes. Siva discovers Georgie's story in a journal which adds to his confusion as history appears to be repeating itself.
It's not your average coming of age story and is well worth a read.

[Roger Irish · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book I'd probably never have read had it not been my book club's choice - but there's the good thing, I'm glad I read it. I probably wouldn't re-read it, though some of the passages describing the main character's inner life are very powerfully written, but I would recommend it especially as it provides such a different cultural perspective - though it does contain echoes of a British imperialist / colonial past (which of those two words you choose is up to you!)

Towards the end you have a sense of foreboding that a certain event is going to happen - I won't say more than that as it would be a terrific spoiler - and when it does, in a very small number of words the author conveys something which will haunt me for some time.

As a father of identical twins, aspects of the novel concerning twins were very plausible, though admittedly there's a lot more to the characterisation than the mere fact of being a twin.

It's not a novel of action, per se, much more one of what goes on in people's minds, which works very well for me. Read it, and see what you think of it.

[N.B. It took me a while to get used to the amma, appa, versus the character's actual names, but no big deal once I got it fixed in my head]

[Deborah Siddoway · Rating 4 out of 5]

A strangely unsettling, evocative depiction of a family unravelling in a recently independent India, with a young boy Siva, at the heart of the story. Born to a mother who desired only a daughter, with his dead twin sister preceding him from the womb, the narrative explores complex layers of guilt, grief, and loss, and how the memories of loss echo through the years, with the rippling effect of them still playing out years later. Siva's Amma, unable to cope with the loss of her yearned for daughter, projects her longing for her onto her surviving child. The way in which the book explores the gendered confusion this causes for her child is explored with compassion and integrity, the lot of the hijra portrayed with both a gentleness and brutality that is visceral.

Confronting the reality of what it is to be female in a world which seeks only to clip the wings of women, the book gets under your skin - and uncomfortably so. The ending is strange, haunting, and yet... perhaps the only way that it could end.

There is a lot to think about in this book, particularly the way in which those we lose are carried with us. Srivatsa has managed to capture the sounds, the smells, the heat and dirt of an India struggling to emerge from its colonial past, as a fitting metaphor of a child struggling to find himself in a world where everything has changed - and yet everything has stayed the same.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have very mixed emotions about this book. On the one hand, I feel like it portrays familial grief very well, but also what happens when a child fails to live up to expectations that were set before their birth. However, on the other hand, there were some incredibly harrowing scenes described, and though they somehow fit it in with the story, the scenes definitely stayed with me after finishing the story. The ending was another one of these scenes that truly disturbed me.

I'm not entirely sure whether the novel depicts an accurate picture of India, but I'm aware that it focused on the importance that Indian society places on men - this book seemed to do the opposite, and instead focus on a mother's loss for a daughter that never really existed.

I did love the role that George Gibbs played in both the mother and the child's narrative. Gibbs seemed to be almost a guiding figure to both these characters, and I'm pleased that the writer didn't choose to ignore the history of Gibbs, and instead continued their story. One thing that did annoy me about the narrative of George Gibbs was that his history was too similar with Siva's/Tara's to be a coincidence, and while I'm aware that it is merely a story, that did wind me up slightly whilst reading the book.

[Maria Longley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Siva grows up in a family full of grief and fractures and confusion. His twin sister died at birth and so begins his search for identity through the family turmoil and sadness. The past and present intermingle at the family level but also with the history and present of the mosquite research institute and the Englishman and his family who lived in Siva's house before them. Siva is our narrator and we see the story though him. Very occasionally a young child's point of view gets a bit frustrating because it is of course limited and I would've liked to have seen a few other points of view, but that was a minor quibble in the enjoyment of the reading.

[Bharati Shroff · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very unusual story,beautifully written

Heart rending story of a boy whose whole identity is tied to his dead twin.
But more important, is the authors style of writing.
Exquisite imagery.

[Edie Ayala]

I liked the way the book started but it lost me a few chapters in. I was looking for a little more magic in the writing, I think. But this doesn't mean it's not a good book. Check it out if you're looking for something in a foreign setting.

[Nicola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting indian drama about family, gender identity and grief

[Lenin_lover_69 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought the plot sort of petered out in the last quarter but I loved the writing, there were so many lovely turns of phrase and it was rich with such delicious detail

[Robert Welbourn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely judged this book by its cover - and its title - and I'm so glad I did.

A heart rending exploration of love, loss, gender dysphoria, and trying to find out who you actually are.

[Harleen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lazy writing, uni-dimensional flat characters, shifty scenes...I couldn't go past 20% of this book. What I hated the most was the lack of characterization. There is no backstory to the characters, no explanation to their motives. The reader is expected to unquestioningly accept their actions.

The concept of the story sounded great on paper, but the story fell flat on its face. Worst part, Amazon will not refund my money.

[Victoria (Eve's Alexandria)]

Decided to abandon this at the midway point. After a promising beginning it just wasn't doing anything for me. The familial dynamic was dragging and rather clumsy, so that while I wanted to reach the bit about Siva's gender ambiguity I didn't have sufficient confidence in its nuance to push me on.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm still not ok.