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Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage
“Most marriages survive by gritting teeth and holding on. But marriages can and will not only survive but thrive when husbands and wives learn to cherish one another.”
Those are the powerful words of bestselling author Gary Thomas in his newest book—Cherish. And in a world desperate for marriage redemption, it is needed now more than ever.
Thomas shows that although there are a countless number of marriages consisting of two people just going through the motions, there are real ways this pattern can be reversed: when husbands and wives learn to cherish one another in proven, loving, and everyday actions and words.
Through personal stories and real world examples, Thomas proves what husbands and wives can begin doing today to turn their marriage around—even a marriage marred by neglect and disrespect.
So how do you cherish your spouse? Thomas will show you how going out of your way to notice them, appreciate them, honor them, encourage them, and hold them close to your heart will bring hope, light, and life into your marriage.
Those are the powerful words of bestselling author Gary Thomas in his newest book—Cherish. And in a world desperate for marriage redemption, it is needed now more than ever.
Thomas shows that although there are a countless number of marriages consisting of two people just going through the motions, there are real ways this pattern can be reversed: when husbands and wives learn to cherish one another in proven, loving, and everyday actions and words.
Through personal stories and real world examples, Thomas proves what husbands and wives can begin doing today to turn their marriage around—even a marriage marred by neglect and disrespect.
So how do you cherish your spouse? Thomas will show you how going out of your way to notice them, appreciate them, honor them, encourage them, and hold them close to your heart will bring hope, light, and life into your marriage.
240 pages, Hardcover
First published January 10, 2017
942 people are currently reading
3086 people want to read
About the author
Gary L. Thomas
61 books644 followersGary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 315 reviews
May 5, 2021
Even though there were a decent amount of cringe-worthy moments in this book, this is still one of the best Christian marriage books I have read. I suppose that's more of an indictment of the current Christian marriage book landscape than it is a glowing review of this book, but there are a lot of things I liked about this. In fact, I just gifted it to a friend who got married so yes, it is still worthwhile on its own!
Gary Thomas emphasizes that marriage should be about intentionally loving your spouse, and that the absence of conflict does not necessarily mean the presence of intentional love. He emphasizes many different ways to love (he would want me to say cherish) a fallen, sinful, annoying human being and there are a lot of practical tips in here. More so than many other marriage books that are mostly testimonials about how awesome the author's advice is without actually giving advice. Even though there isn't a lot that is ground-breakingly new, the reminders of ways to love your spouse are helpful and encouraging.
One thing I found not as useful was his use of the word cherish. He makes it into a noun, adjective, adverb, everything. He will describe any synonym of the word cherish and then say "this is cherish" and then use cherish in place of that word for the remainder of the chapter. I get that he has to drive home his tagline, but the result is that all the chapters blend together. What was chapter 3 about? Oh, cherishing. What about chapter 6? Also cherishing ... but in, like, a different way? It is unfortunate because each chapter DOES focus on a different practical way to cherish your spouse, but without chapter titles that give an indication of that particular way to cherish, I have a hard time remembering what each of the different ways are. It's not a book where I can easily flip through it and be reminded of the different useful strategies for cherishing my spouse.
Most of my big cringes, however, came with Gary Thomas's attitude toward women. At best some of his examples were slightly offensive in the old-fashioned uncle who means well but is unaware of today's current PC culture way, and at worst some might interpret them as downright sexist. For example, one chapter is about setting your spouse's level of attractiveness above all others and letting that be your standard of physical attractiveness. Thomas does a great job of explaining this and the chapter is at the end and he has made his point. But then you turn the page and he ends the chapter by tacking on an unnecessary story about a friend who is married to an ugly woman. The friend always talks about how beautiful his wife is, and in the story Thomas and a bunch of friends are sitting around talking about how ugly this woman is and how amazed they are at how the man could find even an ounce of attractiveness in this horribly ugly woman. It's supposed to be an example of how great the husband was at implementing this particular method of cherish, but it just reads as cringe. If they were sitting around discussing how smoking-hot this man's wife was, would Gary Thomas want this story to be included? Would he be proud of a bunch of married men discussing the physical attractiveness of another man's wife? I don't think so. And what makes it worse is that he did a great job in the rest of the chapter and the chapter was OVER! This story was completely unnecessary. I do want to give Thomas the benefit of the doubt here. After reading this book in its entirety I really do not think his intent is to display commenting on a woman's body--whether complimentary or not--as something that is acceptable. But, he really should have someone go through with an aggressive red pen to get rid of these cringe worthy moments.
Gary Thomas emphasizes that marriage should be about intentionally loving your spouse, and that the absence of conflict does not necessarily mean the presence of intentional love. He emphasizes many different ways to love (he would want me to say cherish) a fallen, sinful, annoying human being and there are a lot of practical tips in here. More so than many other marriage books that are mostly testimonials about how awesome the author's advice is without actually giving advice. Even though there isn't a lot that is ground-breakingly new, the reminders of ways to love your spouse are helpful and encouraging.
One thing I found not as useful was his use of the word cherish. He makes it into a noun, adjective, adverb, everything. He will describe any synonym of the word cherish and then say "this is cherish" and then use cherish in place of that word for the remainder of the chapter. I get that he has to drive home his tagline, but the result is that all the chapters blend together. What was chapter 3 about? Oh, cherishing. What about chapter 6? Also cherishing ... but in, like, a different way? It is unfortunate because each chapter DOES focus on a different practical way to cherish your spouse, but without chapter titles that give an indication of that particular way to cherish, I have a hard time remembering what each of the different ways are. It's not a book where I can easily flip through it and be reminded of the different useful strategies for cherishing my spouse.
Most of my big cringes, however, came with Gary Thomas's attitude toward women. At best some of his examples were slightly offensive in the old-fashioned uncle who means well but is unaware of today's current PC culture way, and at worst some might interpret them as downright sexist. For example, one chapter is about setting your spouse's level of attractiveness above all others and letting that be your standard of physical attractiveness. Thomas does a great job of explaining this and the chapter is at the end and he has made his point. But then you turn the page and he ends the chapter by tacking on an unnecessary story about a friend who is married to an ugly woman. The friend always talks about how beautiful his wife is, and in the story Thomas and a bunch of friends are sitting around talking about how ugly this woman is and how amazed they are at how the man could find even an ounce of attractiveness in this horribly ugly woman. It's supposed to be an example of how great the husband was at implementing this particular method of cherish, but it just reads as cringe. If they were sitting around discussing how smoking-hot this man's wife was, would Gary Thomas want this story to be included? Would he be proud of a bunch of married men discussing the physical attractiveness of another man's wife? I don't think so. And what makes it worse is that he did a great job in the rest of the chapter and the chapter was OVER! This story was completely unnecessary. I do want to give Thomas the benefit of the doubt here. After reading this book in its entirety I really do not think his intent is to display commenting on a woman's body--whether complimentary or not--as something that is acceptable. But, he really should have someone go through with an aggressive red pen to get rid of these cringe worthy moments.
March 16, 2022
I'm an avid reader who expected that when it came time to get married, I would devour books on marriage to prepare and read about all the good ones I could get my hands on.
That's not what happened.
I entered the relationship with my husband and felt an aversion to many of the books most people recommended. They sounded like they were either meant to scare me into taking a relationship seriously (which I didn't need) written for troubled married coupes (which I wasn't) or honestly were written for people with very different challenges and backgrounds than Scott and I had (which just made them irrelevant, not bad).
However, just because I haven't been devouring books about marriage by the bucket load, doesn't mean I haven't wanted to read and gain knowledge. When I saw my friend Rachelle give this book a high rating, I knew this would be a great one to dive into.
Honestly, as I write this, I've been married six-mouths. Scott has done an amazing job at cherishing me and he says I'm doing a good job doing that for him. I know that we are in an easy stage. However, I feel like this book has given me affirmation that we are off to a great start, encouragement to keep on, and some advice to store for the future when it might get tough.
As a newlywed, I really enjoyed reading a marriage book that was upbeat and positive. I also appreciated some of the things said about the uniqueness of every marriage. Some books I've picked up, read a few pages, and then tossed away because they make assumptions that just aren't true for my marriage. This one is great because this Thomas always follows more general statements up with "This may be true for most, but remember it's not everyone."
I have this on a list to buy copies for Scott and me because I know this will be one I want to reread over and over again to remind myself of the importance of always, always Cherishing Scott.
That's not what happened.
I entered the relationship with my husband and felt an aversion to many of the books most people recommended. They sounded like they were either meant to scare me into taking a relationship seriously (which I didn't need) written for troubled married coupes (which I wasn't) or honestly were written for people with very different challenges and backgrounds than Scott and I had (which just made them irrelevant, not bad).
However, just because I haven't been devouring books about marriage by the bucket load, doesn't mean I haven't wanted to read and gain knowledge. When I saw my friend Rachelle give this book a high rating, I knew this would be a great one to dive into.
Honestly, as I write this, I've been married six-mouths. Scott has done an amazing job at cherishing me and he says I'm doing a good job doing that for him. I know that we are in an easy stage. However, I feel like this book has given me affirmation that we are off to a great start, encouragement to keep on, and some advice to store for the future when it might get tough.
As a newlywed, I really enjoyed reading a marriage book that was upbeat and positive. I also appreciated some of the things said about the uniqueness of every marriage. Some books I've picked up, read a few pages, and then tossed away because they make assumptions that just aren't true for my marriage. This one is great because this Thomas always follows more general statements up with "This may be true for most, but remember it's not everyone."
I have this on a list to buy copies for Scott and me because I know this will be one I want to reread over and over again to remind myself of the importance of always, always Cherishing Scott.
December 17, 2021
My husband, Devin, and I attended a marriage conference earlier this year with our church and left with an assignment: to read this book!
Since we are both readers, we were not only excited to read a book together (something we've done sporadically since our dating days) but even more excited because the book was written by Gary Thomas. Although Thomas has been my favorite marriage author for four years now (ever since I read his book The Sacred Search the autumn before I met my husband!), Devin had not yet read any of his books.
Gary Thomas presents a solid argument for the importance of understanding the difference between love and cherish (stick with me; he uses this verb as a noun). Love is the commitment in a marriage; but cherish is the spark, the romance, the in-love feeling.
If you cherish someone but don't yet love them, you have an infatuation. If you love someone but don't cherish them, you have a partnership. Both love and cherish are required for a successful marriage.
I especially enjoyed the questions included at the end of each chapter that prompted conversation around how we wanted to apply what we learned.
My favorite chapter was titled, "This is how your spouse stumbles." Written from a Christian perspective to Christian couples, this chapter delves into sanctification and the fact that we're all married to sinners who stumble, sin, and make mistakes on a daily basis. Since none of us are perfect, learning to give grace like Christ can mean the difference between a ruined date night and a forgiven conflict that brings spouses closer together. (The author deals well with the tension of unrepentant sin). He gives the example of his wife losing his keys. She didn't mean to, and although it inconvenienced him, he had the choice of becoming frustrated with her because of it causing him to be late to work ... or giving her grace.
A gifted writer who uses funny, relatable anecdotes, Thomas has crafted an easily readable book that is perfect for reading together with your spouse in the evenings.
Or listen to it on audiobook during your next long road trip together!
Since we are both readers, we were not only excited to read a book together (something we've done sporadically since our dating days) but even more excited because the book was written by Gary Thomas. Although Thomas has been my favorite marriage author for four years now (ever since I read his book The Sacred Search the autumn before I met my husband!), Devin had not yet read any of his books.
Gary Thomas presents a solid argument for the importance of understanding the difference between love and cherish (stick with me; he uses this verb as a noun). Love is the commitment in a marriage; but cherish is the spark, the romance, the in-love feeling.
If you cherish someone but don't yet love them, you have an infatuation. If you love someone but don't cherish them, you have a partnership. Both love and cherish are required for a successful marriage.
I especially enjoyed the questions included at the end of each chapter that prompted conversation around how we wanted to apply what we learned.
My favorite chapter was titled, "This is how your spouse stumbles." Written from a Christian perspective to Christian couples, this chapter delves into sanctification and the fact that we're all married to sinners who stumble, sin, and make mistakes on a daily basis. Since none of us are perfect, learning to give grace like Christ can mean the difference between a ruined date night and a forgiven conflict that brings spouses closer together. (The author deals well with the tension of unrepentant sin). He gives the example of his wife losing his keys. She didn't mean to, and although it inconvenienced him, he had the choice of becoming frustrated with her because of it causing him to be late to work ... or giving her grace.
A gifted writer who uses funny, relatable anecdotes, Thomas has crafted an easily readable book that is perfect for reading together with your spouse in the evenings.
Or listen to it on audiobook during your next long road trip together!
Read
September 23, 2021I cried a few times. This book is to be read at any point in your marriage. But as a newlywed I praise God I read it when I did.
February 20, 2022
Fabulous book! And a perfect read for the month of February!😍 Highly recommend for the average marriage or a “good” marriage as this will definitely take it to the next level! ❤️
Diving into the differences between love and cherish was eye-opening and made me desire even greater joy and delight in my marriage. Taking delight in someone takes great humility. Asking them what they need in the moment leaves them feeling cherished which reaps greater dividends than nagging or criticizing ever will. Exhibiting grace and forgiveness for your spouse’s failures is an essential part of marriage as we will never be perfect. But cherishing them motivates them to do better and strive for excellence in their personal and relational lives. I should care what my spouse thinks of me the most, not throwing them under the bus so I look better and others will think higher of me and less of them. So many principles I will be coming back to again and again!
This is not the book for a troubled marriage or conflict resolution. I would start with one from below
📖 For a marriage in frustration read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
📖 For a marriage needing reconnection and conflict resolution on basic levels read Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman
Diving into the differences between love and cherish was eye-opening and made me desire even greater joy and delight in my marriage. Taking delight in someone takes great humility. Asking them what they need in the moment leaves them feeling cherished which reaps greater dividends than nagging or criticizing ever will. Exhibiting grace and forgiveness for your spouse’s failures is an essential part of marriage as we will never be perfect. But cherishing them motivates them to do better and strive for excellence in their personal and relational lives. I should care what my spouse thinks of me the most, not throwing them under the bus so I look better and others will think higher of me and less of them. So many principles I will be coming back to again and again!
This is not the book for a troubled marriage or conflict resolution. I would start with one from below
📖 For a marriage in frustration read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
📖 For a marriage needing reconnection and conflict resolution on basic levels read Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman
November 9, 2024
I am not a fan of marriage books. For several reasons.
First, I think many of them can breed dissatisfaction and insecurity with our spouses and our marriages, instead of helping us love better. (Who wants to read about these wonderfully warm and growing marriages, when you feel like yours is cool and not progressing?! If you blame yourself, you just feel like a failure, and it breeds insecurity. If you blame your spouse, it breeds resentment and pride. No winners here.)
Second, almost all of them seem to focus on better communication as "the answer." So for those whose spouses do not have a desire for better communication, that "solution" offers the opposite of hope - and, again, can breed dissatisfaction and comparisons.
Third (and I'll stop with this one), each marriage is unique enough that a marriage book focused on "strategies" to improve your marriage can only hope to speak to a small handful of married people.
(Am I the only one for whom these things are true?!)
I do remember appreciating Gary Thomas' book, "Sacred Marriage," when I read it about 20 years ago. And so, as I considered which book to give a young friend of mine who just got engaged, and came across this book, I thought I'd read it and see if it was suitable for Ashlee.
Man, did God ever have a surprise for me.
Because the emphasis on what it means to cherish your spouse - and the various ways he addresses that from Scripture and God's cherishing of us - hit me with conviction immediately. In fact, after reading the first chapter, I sought out my husband to just see what he was up to and express my appreciation for him.
When I completed this book, I wrote down two pages in my journal so I would remember what I've learned. Here are just a few:
~ Give him grace to fail, like God gives to me.
~ "We all stumble in many ways." This is how my spouse stumbles. If he didn't stumble in this way, he'd stumble in another way.
~ Cherishing means protecting his reputation and honor.
~ The opposite of cherishing is showing contempt, which blinds and deafens me to what's real and true
~ Praise the baby steps, instead of grumbling/lamenting that they're not bigger steps.
~ How do I see God's image reflected in my husband? God, help me see your image in him.
~ Cherishing means sharing compassion instead of criticism when I see weakness. This is how God relates to me.
~ God remembers the best about his people. Examples: Rahab, Jonah, Sarah, Noah. The Bible records Rahab as the one who hid 2 Israelite men - not as a woman who slept with dozens (hundreds?) of men for money. In Hebrews 11, Sarah is remembered as one who trusted God's faithfulness, instead of the woman who laughed at the prophecy. What if I identified and remembered my husband by his best features instead of his failures? This is how God identifies and remembers me.
~ "Our holiness is defined in large part by our ability to gracefully bear the lack of holiness in others." (see Colossians 3:12-13)
I will be coming back to this book, and certainly coming back to my journal notes on it. May God open my heart to be more like His, as I seek to love and cherish this husband.
First, I think many of them can breed dissatisfaction and insecurity with our spouses and our marriages, instead of helping us love better. (Who wants to read about these wonderfully warm and growing marriages, when you feel like yours is cool and not progressing?! If you blame yourself, you just feel like a failure, and it breeds insecurity. If you blame your spouse, it breeds resentment and pride. No winners here.)
Second, almost all of them seem to focus on better communication as "the answer." So for those whose spouses do not have a desire for better communication, that "solution" offers the opposite of hope - and, again, can breed dissatisfaction and comparisons.
Third (and I'll stop with this one), each marriage is unique enough that a marriage book focused on "strategies" to improve your marriage can only hope to speak to a small handful of married people.
(Am I the only one for whom these things are true?!)
I do remember appreciating Gary Thomas' book, "Sacred Marriage," when I read it about 20 years ago. And so, as I considered which book to give a young friend of mine who just got engaged, and came across this book, I thought I'd read it and see if it was suitable for Ashlee.
Man, did God ever have a surprise for me.
Because the emphasis on what it means to cherish your spouse - and the various ways he addresses that from Scripture and God's cherishing of us - hit me with conviction immediately. In fact, after reading the first chapter, I sought out my husband to just see what he was up to and express my appreciation for him.
When I completed this book, I wrote down two pages in my journal so I would remember what I've learned. Here are just a few:
~ Give him grace to fail, like God gives to me.
~ "We all stumble in many ways." This is how my spouse stumbles. If he didn't stumble in this way, he'd stumble in another way.
~ Cherishing means protecting his reputation and honor.
~ The opposite of cherishing is showing contempt, which blinds and deafens me to what's real and true
~ Praise the baby steps, instead of grumbling/lamenting that they're not bigger steps.
~ How do I see God's image reflected in my husband? God, help me see your image in him.
~ Cherishing means sharing compassion instead of criticism when I see weakness. This is how God relates to me.
~ God remembers the best about his people. Examples: Rahab, Jonah, Sarah, Noah. The Bible records Rahab as the one who hid 2 Israelite men - not as a woman who slept with dozens (hundreds?) of men for money. In Hebrews 11, Sarah is remembered as one who trusted God's faithfulness, instead of the woman who laughed at the prophecy. What if I identified and remembered my husband by his best features instead of his failures? This is how God identifies and remembers me.
~ "Our holiness is defined in large part by our ability to gracefully bear the lack of holiness in others." (see Colossians 3:12-13)
I will be coming back to this book, and certainly coming back to my journal notes on it. May God open my heart to be more like His, as I seek to love and cherish this husband.
January 11, 2017
The inherent power of the concept of Cherish and the masterful communication skills of Gary Thomas combine to make this a must-read for anyone interested in understanding marriage as it is meant to be. Everyone wants to be and benefits from being cherished- it lifts, strengthens and enriches us to be honored, valued, and treated as precious. And the beauty and mystery of learning to cherish is that as it creates joy, fulfillment and happiness, it also brings forth an increased desire to cherish. It is a profound spiritual reality that expresses itself in the practice of our lives, especially our marriages. "Cultivating a cherishing attitude toward your spouse will elevate your marriage relationally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically." Who doesn't want that? Reading this book will be making an investment in your marriage; applying these transforming truths will produce a harvest of lifelong blessing beyond compare.
Cherishing one another is neither an impossible dream nor a fleeting feeling that cannot be sustained, but a course of life set in motion by each of us that will say "Yes!" to cherish. Thank you, Gary, for calling us to look at the ideal, not to make us feel bad about where we are in our marriage relationships, but to invite us ever higher and deeper into experiencing God's goodness by learning to cherish our spouses.
This book is powerful, profound and practical - say "Yes!" to Cherish!
Cherishing one another is neither an impossible dream nor a fleeting feeling that cannot be sustained, but a course of life set in motion by each of us that will say "Yes!" to cherish. Thank you, Gary, for calling us to look at the ideal, not to make us feel bad about where we are in our marriage relationships, but to invite us ever higher and deeper into experiencing God's goodness by learning to cherish our spouses.
This book is powerful, profound and practical - say "Yes!" to Cherish!
January 10, 2018
Even though this book took me months to finish, it really was a great read! Aside from a few things I didnt like (various Bible versions and some Scriptural applications that may not be entirely accurate) here is what I liked about this book:
•It's so practical!! I did not have to wonder "how do I apply this?". Everything Gary Thomas wrote seems so do-able!
•Each chapter begins with a story/real life example which he continues throughout the chapter to teach the next concept of cherishing your spouse.
•At the end of the chapter he goes over the main points of the chapter. Reinforcement never hurts! There are also helpful questions at the end of each chapter to help you apply what you just read and learned.
•The whole book was easy to read, easy to understand and enjoyable!!
》For more book reviews and book recommendations visit my blog: www.moreradiance.com
•It's so practical!! I did not have to wonder "how do I apply this?". Everything Gary Thomas wrote seems so do-able!
•Each chapter begins with a story/real life example which he continues throughout the chapter to teach the next concept of cherishing your spouse.
•At the end of the chapter he goes over the main points of the chapter. Reinforcement never hurts! There are also helpful questions at the end of each chapter to help you apply what you just read and learned.
•The whole book was easy to read, easy to understand and enjoyable!!
》For more book reviews and book recommendations visit my blog: www.moreradiance.com
February 6, 2017
If you think back to when you first met your husband or wife, you most likely understand what it means to cherish. As Gary says, “You learn how to cherish your spouse by studying them, listening to them, and finding out who they are.” The excitement and energy experienced when your heart connected to that "special one" most likely contained a portion of all of the above components. As a husband, thirty-seven years in, I can really relate to this quote: “As life changes, so will your spouse. There is always a new person to get to know, a new person to learn how to cherish.”Gary Thomas is my favorite pastor-scribe! Practical and profound, Cherish is guaranteed to inspire.
December 19, 2023
I couldn’t recommend this more to anyone who is married - no matter how long it’s been! In our vows we commit “to love & to cherish” our spouses & preach about unconditional love all the time but often forget to talk about what it means to cherish. I will recommend this to everyone & re-read throughout the years as a reminder that cherishing my spouse is the greatest & sweetest! This book is super digestible, has great examples, & helps give a framework for different marital language. Love!
February 17, 2022
There are some great points made in this book, with practical advice about how to cherish one's spouse. We could all stand to cherish more, whether in our marriages or any other relationships in our lives. However, there was not enough content to warrant a whole book on the topic, which made it repetitive.
That being said, this book blatantly suffers from eisegesis. Aside from the seemingly endless personal stories, I was uncomfortable with the insistence that wives view their husbands as Adam, while husbands view their wives as Eve. I understand the intent is to focus on your spouse as the only man/woman in existence, but I want to see my husband for who is and who God created him to be and hope he sees me in the same way; not that we're stuck with one another as this analogy implies.
I also have a major issue with a book published as Christian non-fiction explaining the meaning of the gospel in the last chapter, especially after continuously referencing Scripture. Further, defining the gospel as it relates to us and our benefits is entirely missing the point that it is about Christ, not us. This flawed explanation is then followed by the line: "this will sound very religious to some of you". This is allegedly Christian non-fiction so isn't the point to be religious? The eisegesis only continues with the author attributing portions of the Bible to marriage, when he himself concedes they are not speaking about marriage.
All this to say that I did get some benefit from the book in terms of the importance of cherishing my husband and continually making efforts to do so- but this was not a book I'd recommend, even hesitating to call it a Christian book.
That being said, this book blatantly suffers from eisegesis. Aside from the seemingly endless personal stories, I was uncomfortable with the insistence that wives view their husbands as Adam, while husbands view their wives as Eve. I understand the intent is to focus on your spouse as the only man/woman in existence, but I want to see my husband for who is and who God created him to be and hope he sees me in the same way; not that we're stuck with one another as this analogy implies.
I also have a major issue with a book published as Christian non-fiction explaining the meaning of the gospel in the last chapter, especially after continuously referencing Scripture. Further, defining the gospel as it relates to us and our benefits is entirely missing the point that it is about Christ, not us. This flawed explanation is then followed by the line: "this will sound very religious to some of you". This is allegedly Christian non-fiction so isn't the point to be religious? The eisegesis only continues with the author attributing portions of the Bible to marriage, when he himself concedes they are not speaking about marriage.
All this to say that I did get some benefit from the book in terms of the importance of cherishing my husband and continually making efforts to do so- but this was not a book I'd recommend, even hesitating to call it a Christian book.
January 10, 2017
Cherish is the marriage book that just might eliminate the need for other marriage books. Gary hits the target of why we struggle, challenging our understanding of the gospel core of our marriages. "When you feel cherished by God, it follows that you want to cherish others." Cherish is the missing element in good marriages that want to be great, and struggling marriages that want to thrive.This will be one you read over and over.
July 26, 2023
Absolutely beautiful, eye opening book.
“God didn’t cherish Israel because Israel was lovable; Israel became lovable as God cherished her.”
This book points out the beautiful, miraculous, and loving way God cherishes us. That’s the beginning of how we transforms us and our relation with Him deepens and becomes intimate. The same should be how we cherish, not just love our spouses. God loves me in-spite of my worst self, how could I not share that understanding, love, and mercy to someone else?
When I focus on the things my spouse does wrong (even mentally) instead of loving in-spite of their struggles I am not doing right, or what God modeled to me at all.
Wow, wow, wow.
Only God can constantly make such beauty from our ashes! ♥️
I loved reading this book and will come back to it every few years, because I never want to forget.
A few favorite quotes:
🩷 Sometimes I feel so blessed I feel guilty about it. (This can happen when we do things God’s way, not ours)
🩷 View your spouse as the only man/woman in the world
🩷 All of us want to be cherished, and the truth is, if I want my wife to cherish me, the best path to get there is to work on becoming someone who is easier to cherish.
🩷 Our experiential holiness is defined in large part by our ability to gracefully bear the lack of holiness in others (We should never think we are more spiritual than our spouses- that is not spiritual!)
🩷 God, please start using me
🩷 Husband* asked me to quit working so hard and to simply be 🩷🩷
“God didn’t cherish Israel because Israel was lovable; Israel became lovable as God cherished her.”
This book points out the beautiful, miraculous, and loving way God cherishes us. That’s the beginning of how we transforms us and our relation with Him deepens and becomes intimate. The same should be how we cherish, not just love our spouses. God loves me in-spite of my worst self, how could I not share that understanding, love, and mercy to someone else?
When I focus on the things my spouse does wrong (even mentally) instead of loving in-spite of their struggles I am not doing right, or what God modeled to me at all.
Wow, wow, wow.
Only God can constantly make such beauty from our ashes! ♥️
I loved reading this book and will come back to it every few years, because I never want to forget.
A few favorite quotes:
🩷 Sometimes I feel so blessed I feel guilty about it. (This can happen when we do things God’s way, not ours)
🩷 View your spouse as the only man/woman in the world
🩷 All of us want to be cherished, and the truth is, if I want my wife to cherish me, the best path to get there is to work on becoming someone who is easier to cherish.
🩷 Our experiential holiness is defined in large part by our ability to gracefully bear the lack of holiness in others (We should never think we are more spiritual than our spouses- that is not spiritual!)
🩷 God, please start using me
🩷 Husband* asked me to quit working so hard and to simply be 🩷🩷
July 21, 2025
First of all - reading books on marriage, if you're married...it's just wise.
Not one and done, but regularly. Yes, even if information is repeated.
Our struggle as humans isn't usually a lack of information but a lack of application.
Reading about a topic that's so important doesn't automatically cause one to apply correct information BUT reading books regularly does cause your brain and heart to be continually reminded of a better way.
This is my favorite marriage book to date.
It was a breath of fresh air.
Instead of what NOT to do....it focuses on what TO do.
A beautiful marriage isn't - I don't bother you, and you don't bother me...it's....How can I actively bless this person....daily....no, several times a day...
When we cherish our spouse, we serve not only Christ, and our partner, but we also serve ourselves because it is better to give than receive - however creating & contributing to a giving culture within marriage will more often than not, lead to you receiving the very same fruit that you planted within someone else/the marriage.
I especially loved the chapter on how your partner stumbles.
We each bring our own issues into relationships....if you had someone else, they would still stumble, just in other ways. You want grace...so be a grace giver.
Overall, I just genuinely enjoyed Gary's joyful approach to marriage, and I'd love to read his other books.
Not one and done, but regularly. Yes, even if information is repeated.
Our struggle as humans isn't usually a lack of information but a lack of application.
Reading about a topic that's so important doesn't automatically cause one to apply correct information BUT reading books regularly does cause your brain and heart to be continually reminded of a better way.
This is my favorite marriage book to date.
It was a breath of fresh air.
Instead of what NOT to do....it focuses on what TO do.
A beautiful marriage isn't - I don't bother you, and you don't bother me...it's....How can I actively bless this person....daily....no, several times a day...
When we cherish our spouse, we serve not only Christ, and our partner, but we also serve ourselves because it is better to give than receive - however creating & contributing to a giving culture within marriage will more often than not, lead to you receiving the very same fruit that you planted within someone else/the marriage.
I especially loved the chapter on how your partner stumbles.
We each bring our own issues into relationships....if you had someone else, they would still stumble, just in other ways. You want grace...so be a grace giver.
Overall, I just genuinely enjoyed Gary's joyful approach to marriage, and I'd love to read his other books.
March 3, 2017
My dove, my perfect one, is the only one. Song of Solomon 6:9 Another way to put it is that the call to cherish isn't to appreciate being pleasured by your spouse but to take pleasure in the pleasure of your spouse. To cherish is to be filled with joy not because your spouse brings you but because you take joy in your spouse's joy. The power to cherish begins with understanding the gospel message of "the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior" who saved us "not because of any works of righteousness that we have done, but according to his mercy", and who has given us" renewal by the Holy Spirit".
Forget about going on Mission Trip or serving in the church (this is all good things) but what about the mission field of your family and spouse? Many of us are excited about serving in some capacity in church or in the mission field but not serving our own spouse and children. We speak kindly to others but with our family our words cut deep and cause injury to the spirit of those that we are called to love, protect and cherish.
It is true Cherish will change everything in your marriage and ultimately your family if you are intentional and read this book not on how you can be cherished but how you can cherish your spouse. Yes! Men desire to be cherished as well. It might look different for each family. That is why knowing our spouse and their needs is crucial and relevant. If we are not cherishing each other, we could be very well causing great injury to our spouse's emotional well being. Being cherished in the home first will filter out to us loving others and the world well. If we are not being cherished, we cannot do ministry effectively. If we are not cherishing our families and are doing ministry, our marriages may end in a crisis.
Some of the quotes that I found are so encouraging.
Love is giving for the sake of spouse's becoming.
Cherishing calls us to go to war against contempt. That's because cherishing is all about protecting our spouses-their reputation, their personhood, their sense of value and worth.
A cherishing marriage is built on intimate understanding, not stereotypical assumptions. Don't apply spectacular advise that is true in 90% of marriages if it's not true in yours-because if it's not true in yours, it's spectacularly bad advise.
In your marriage, are you careful to devote yourself to do good works for your spouse? Without this positive focus on doing good works, the goal of married life becomes not doing bad works, but that not good enough. That's not cherishing; that's being a Pharisee (I won't do bad things to you so you won't do bad things to me")
There's another way of looking at this: If God's attitude toward you in your sin mirrored exactly your attitude toward your spouse in his or her sin, where would you be with God?
Sacrifice shapes your heart.
The best thing about this book it is not just about marriage but about the gospel. To cherish is to look at others first and not to be self absorbed. It is loving well and loving true. I highly recommend.
A Special Thank You to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
Forget about going on Mission Trip or serving in the church (this is all good things) but what about the mission field of your family and spouse? Many of us are excited about serving in some capacity in church or in the mission field but not serving our own spouse and children. We speak kindly to others but with our family our words cut deep and cause injury to the spirit of those that we are called to love, protect and cherish.
It is true Cherish will change everything in your marriage and ultimately your family if you are intentional and read this book not on how you can be cherished but how you can cherish your spouse. Yes! Men desire to be cherished as well. It might look different for each family. That is why knowing our spouse and their needs is crucial and relevant. If we are not cherishing each other, we could be very well causing great injury to our spouse's emotional well being. Being cherished in the home first will filter out to us loving others and the world well. If we are not being cherished, we cannot do ministry effectively. If we are not cherishing our families and are doing ministry, our marriages may end in a crisis.
Some of the quotes that I found are so encouraging.
Love is giving for the sake of spouse's becoming.
Cherishing calls us to go to war against contempt. That's because cherishing is all about protecting our spouses-their reputation, their personhood, their sense of value and worth.
A cherishing marriage is built on intimate understanding, not stereotypical assumptions. Don't apply spectacular advise that is true in 90% of marriages if it's not true in yours-because if it's not true in yours, it's spectacularly bad advise.
In your marriage, are you careful to devote yourself to do good works for your spouse? Without this positive focus on doing good works, the goal of married life becomes not doing bad works, but that not good enough. That's not cherishing; that's being a Pharisee (I won't do bad things to you so you won't do bad things to me")
There's another way of looking at this: If God's attitude toward you in your sin mirrored exactly your attitude toward your spouse in his or her sin, where would you be with God?
Sacrifice shapes your heart.
The best thing about this book it is not just about marriage but about the gospel. To cherish is to look at others first and not to be self absorbed. It is loving well and loving true. I highly recommend.
A Special Thank You to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
April 6, 2017
Your Marriage: From Disappointing to Delightful
Wood stoves do not render their comforting warmth without regular tending. Fires must be coaxed along with frequent ministrations, and I never give this much thought — unless my good husband is away, for he miraculously tends to this important detail, and our house stays cozy and warm. Similarly, since the beginning of our marriage, he has changed the oil in our vehicles, paid our bills, balanced the checkbook, and locked the doors every night, leaving me with the delightful sense of being safe, cared for: cherished.
Gary Thomas writes that this variety of practical love is reassuring to me because it demonstrates that our life together is a priority that is worthy of my good husband’s time and effort. Now, with his one-word title, Cherish, he challenges readers to go beyond merely loving our spouses and to live our way into a “marriage that feels more precious, more connected, and more satisfying.”
Many marriage vows include a promise to “cherish,” but do we understand what that looks like from the perspective of our spouse, the cherished one? Gary unpacks the concept in terms of learned behaviors that can change everything in a marriage:
Cherishing means learning to hold someone dear.
The Message to the Cherished: “You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are.”
When we allow our spouse to define “beauty” (or “handsome-ness”) in our minds, we have begun to rewind history to Eden when each was the “only one” in the world to the other. Choosing anew every day the one you chose on your wedding day is the antidote to disappointment, discontentment, and critical comparing.
Cherishing means learning to showcase your spouse.
The Message to the Cherished: “How can I support you today? How can I make your day better?”
For the believer, this includes enhancing one another’s ministry opportunities. We want our beloved to shine! It is based upon the assumption that we have ended the love affair with ourselves. Gary uses the vivid example of a male ballet dancer rejoicing in the standing ovation a ballerina receives because he has “supported, tossed, caught, turned, and showcased” her. It’s all about helping your spouse to realize his/her potential in the world.
Cherishing means noticing and honoring each other.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will put your needs above everything else.”
Here’s the truth in a nutshell: “You can honor someone without cherishing them, but you can’t cherish someone without honoring them.” Wives will feel noticed if their words are taken seriously; husbands are looking for physical affection. For either gender, we honor our spouses when we take an active interest in what interests them.
Cherishing is about protecting each other and killing contempt.
The Message to the Cherished: “When I scan you, I will be looking for something to praise – not to criticize.”
Gary traces the tragic journey from newlywed infatuation through disappointment, frustration, and bitterness to contempt, which is the single biggest threat to a marriage’s survival and happiness. Practicing fierce gratitude is the antidote to contempt.
Cherishing teaches us to indulge our spouses and, thus, to help heal their spiritual wounds.
The Message to the Cherished: “I am committed to your healing and wholeness.”
When we nurture our spouse, we provide a picture of God’s cherishing heart. We make our spouse’s needs a priority and work to discover what actions we can take to help them address their weaknesses and to breathe life into them every day.
Cherishing teaches us to carefully and deliberately use our ears and our words to express our affection.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will be deliberate and specific in verbal affirmation and mirror God’s acceptance and affirmation in my words and in my tone.”
This may not come naturally, but developing (and maintaining) a curiosity toward our spouse’s words and activities communicates value. Deitrich Bonhoeffer sums this up beautifully:
“Just as love to God began with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them.”
Even unintentional verbal slights can be devastating to a marriage.
Cherishing is about treating our spouse as a unique individual.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will help you complete your one-of-a-kind story.”
It’s time to cast aside generalizations and stereotypical assumptions about what “all men” or “all women” do. Understanding bypasses judgment and empathizes while genuinely investing the effort to understand and to accept.
Cherishing means being patient with your spouse’s sins.
The Message to the Cherished: “We both stumble in many ways. I will thank God for you, and, together, we will grow in holiness.”
Gary offers six words that can save the day: “This is how your spouse stumbles.” Accepting that your spouse will never be perfect makes allowance for imperfection without diminishing our appreciation. Apart from this, it is impossible to maintain “a cherishing attitude.” Furthermore, it is counterproductive to think, “I could cherish them if only they wouldn’t do x, y, or z.” “Half of holiness centers around being patient with other peoples’ sins.”
As he did in Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas has melded practical theology and behavioral principles to encourage believers along in a life that goes beyond the mere fulfillment of marriage vows. Just as my wood stove responds to regular tending by yielding comfort and warmth to my home, a cherishing mindset that is deeply rooted in the Gospel truth that we are continually cherished by God will result in a marriage that radiates a lifetime of warmth and love.
//
This book was provided by Zondervan through the BookLookBloggers program in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Wood stoves do not render their comforting warmth without regular tending. Fires must be coaxed along with frequent ministrations, and I never give this much thought — unless my good husband is away, for he miraculously tends to this important detail, and our house stays cozy and warm. Similarly, since the beginning of our marriage, he has changed the oil in our vehicles, paid our bills, balanced the checkbook, and locked the doors every night, leaving me with the delightful sense of being safe, cared for: cherished.
Gary Thomas writes that this variety of practical love is reassuring to me because it demonstrates that our life together is a priority that is worthy of my good husband’s time and effort. Now, with his one-word title, Cherish, he challenges readers to go beyond merely loving our spouses and to live our way into a “marriage that feels more precious, more connected, and more satisfying.”
Many marriage vows include a promise to “cherish,” but do we understand what that looks like from the perspective of our spouse, the cherished one? Gary unpacks the concept in terms of learned behaviors that can change everything in a marriage:
Cherishing means learning to hold someone dear.
The Message to the Cherished: “You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are.”
When we allow our spouse to define “beauty” (or “handsome-ness”) in our minds, we have begun to rewind history to Eden when each was the “only one” in the world to the other. Choosing anew every day the one you chose on your wedding day is the antidote to disappointment, discontentment, and critical comparing.
Cherishing means learning to showcase your spouse.
The Message to the Cherished: “How can I support you today? How can I make your day better?”
For the believer, this includes enhancing one another’s ministry opportunities. We want our beloved to shine! It is based upon the assumption that we have ended the love affair with ourselves. Gary uses the vivid example of a male ballet dancer rejoicing in the standing ovation a ballerina receives because he has “supported, tossed, caught, turned, and showcased” her. It’s all about helping your spouse to realize his/her potential in the world.
Cherishing means noticing and honoring each other.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will put your needs above everything else.”
Here’s the truth in a nutshell: “You can honor someone without cherishing them, but you can’t cherish someone without honoring them.” Wives will feel noticed if their words are taken seriously; husbands are looking for physical affection. For either gender, we honor our spouses when we take an active interest in what interests them.
Cherishing is about protecting each other and killing contempt.
The Message to the Cherished: “When I scan you, I will be looking for something to praise – not to criticize.”
Gary traces the tragic journey from newlywed infatuation through disappointment, frustration, and bitterness to contempt, which is the single biggest threat to a marriage’s survival and happiness. Practicing fierce gratitude is the antidote to contempt.
Cherishing teaches us to indulge our spouses and, thus, to help heal their spiritual wounds.
The Message to the Cherished: “I am committed to your healing and wholeness.”
When we nurture our spouse, we provide a picture of God’s cherishing heart. We make our spouse’s needs a priority and work to discover what actions we can take to help them address their weaknesses and to breathe life into them every day.
Cherishing teaches us to carefully and deliberately use our ears and our words to express our affection.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will be deliberate and specific in verbal affirmation and mirror God’s acceptance and affirmation in my words and in my tone.”
This may not come naturally, but developing (and maintaining) a curiosity toward our spouse’s words and activities communicates value. Deitrich Bonhoeffer sums this up beautifully:
“Just as love to God began with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them.”
Even unintentional verbal slights can be devastating to a marriage.
Cherishing is about treating our spouse as a unique individual.
The Message to the Cherished: “I will help you complete your one-of-a-kind story.”
It’s time to cast aside generalizations and stereotypical assumptions about what “all men” or “all women” do. Understanding bypasses judgment and empathizes while genuinely investing the effort to understand and to accept.
Cherishing means being patient with your spouse’s sins.
The Message to the Cherished: “We both stumble in many ways. I will thank God for you, and, together, we will grow in holiness.”
Gary offers six words that can save the day: “This is how your spouse stumbles.” Accepting that your spouse will never be perfect makes allowance for imperfection without diminishing our appreciation. Apart from this, it is impossible to maintain “a cherishing attitude.” Furthermore, it is counterproductive to think, “I could cherish them if only they wouldn’t do x, y, or z.” “Half of holiness centers around being patient with other peoples’ sins.”
As he did in Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas has melded practical theology and behavioral principles to encourage believers along in a life that goes beyond the mere fulfillment of marriage vows. Just as my wood stove responds to regular tending by yielding comfort and warmth to my home, a cherishing mindset that is deeply rooted in the Gospel truth that we are continually cherished by God will result in a marriage that radiates a lifetime of warmth and love.
//
This book was provided by Zondervan through the BookLookBloggers program in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
January 20, 2022
I listened to the audiobook version of this and it was such a delightful listen! Gary pulls a word from your traditional marriage vow to represent the message of his book—“cherish.” It was such an encouragement and a challenge to hear what it means to truly cherish your spouse and how to live that out practically. It was especially fun to hear Gary narrate; you can really hear the passion and conviction in his voice about this topic. This is definitely a book I’d gift an engaged/married couple. It’s thoughts are biblical and timeless!
October 31, 2025
Such a good read! I would recommend this book to any couple whether they are just beginning their relationship or have been married many years! There were so many practical applications that the author gave, as well as personal anecdotes that put things into perspective. Cherishing will not always be easy, and will take intentionality and hard work, but the gift of a fulfilling marriage is on the other side!
January 14, 2024
Finally putting this book to rest. It was okay, happy to have tried out a marriage book with my husband. :)
April 7, 2020
Excellent! This book, like Sacred Marriage, focuses on the heart, not necessarily outward actions; however, outward actions will obviously imitate the proceedings of the heart.
November 21, 2021
This book is SO SO good! I just finished it and want to read it again because there was so much gold in it. Highly highly recommend!
February 3, 2023
Every married couple should read this book.
July 19, 2025
This is how marriage is meant to be lived. Not merely surviving or enduring our culture, but to truly be in love with one another. To cultivate a holy curiosity that seeks to know your spouse like no one else in a way that is patient, understanding, and full of mercy and grace for one another.
May 6, 2025
to cherish something is to hold it dear.
Make your language intentional; several times a day find ways to communicate, "You're my favorite.”
* Cherish means to go out of our way to notice someone, appreciate someone, honor someone, and hold someone dear.
What if we considered that our job as husbands and wives was "to make the beautiful more beautiful"? By supporting, stabilizing, lifting, and turning our spouses to the "best sides" of their strengths and personalities, our spouses can become more and do more than they ever could on their own. We essentially affirm the beauty we see in them by helping them become even more beautiful.
The day you start thinking business success, ministry success, or personal happiness is more important to you than cherishing and showcasing your spouse is the day you stop cherishing your spouse and start feeling more distant from your spouse. You're essentially having a love affair with yourself, and you can't grow more intimate with your spouse when you're cherishing someone else.
To cherish is to be filled with joy not because your spouse brings you joy but because you take joy in your spouse's joy. You feel more elated over their blessings than even your own. To cherish is to almost desperately want others to see the best side of your spouse the way you do.
How can you better cherish your spouse so he or she can become the person God made them to be? What do you have to do in private? What do you have to do in public? What's the best way for you to showcase your particular spouse with their particular personality and gifts while helping them overcome their vulnerabilities and weaknesses?
Love, then, is giving for the sake of our spouse's becoming. | Tyler Ward
We have to keep noticing them, which is another way of saying we have to keep honoring them.
University of Washington professor and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman writes, "Without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won't work."
When a cherished spouse enters the room or says something, you honor and cherish them by taking notice.
Your spouses needs will determine what makes them feel honored…
Romans 12:10 “Outdo one another” | How do you think your marriage would change if both of you (or even one of you) woke up with a goal every day to outdo your spouse in showing her or him honor?
whenever my wife expresses an opinion, reads something interesting from the local paper, or makes an observation, I am either cherishing her or neglecting her.
Here's how we might summarize noticing and honoring: sharing the lows with empathy and celebrating the highs with enthusiasm.
The act of consistently noticing and honoring our spouses cultivates and maintains a certain kind of relationship, and it shapes our hearts. Noticing and honoring sustain the force and power of cherishing.
Cherishing calls us to go to war against contempt. That's because cherishing is all about protecting our spouses-their reputation, their personhood, their sense of value and worth.
They don't realize their own attitude is the single biggest assault on their marriage…
Couples committed to cherishing each other do go to war, but never with each other. They go to war against contempt, always seeking to protect each other. This is how you know you're cherishing your spouse: you're protecting him or her instead of attacking them.
Cherishing our spouses shapes our minds and our hearts to such an extent that every cell in our body wants to protect, honor, and thank our cherished spouses, regardless of the cost to us.
What I love about the call to cherish each other is that it's an active decision to ask ourselves on a regular basis, "What do Ineed to do to protect my spouse?"
…the person who benefits most from gratitude is the person who expresses it.
we make daily choices about whether we scan our spouses for something to praise them for or something to find fault with. | Julie Gottman
'Today, you are my priority.’ It wasn't just that he gave me tickets; it's that he gave me himself.
* A godly marriage breathes life into each partner.
Of course, there's no promise that if you persevere, you'll get just what you're hoping for. But the one certainty is that if you give up, you definitely won't get it.
Cherish is something positive, not the lack of negative.
cherishing often isn't about what your spouse is saying; it's about who is saying it.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer calls listening one of the greatest services we can offer to each other:
The first service one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them... So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him... Listening can be of a greater service than speaking !
Cherishing is all about the particular.
Set aside time to ask your spouse, "What makes you feel cherished? Tell me the top three times you've felt cherished by me. Have there been any times when you sensed I was trying to cherish you, but I made some faulty assumptions?"
If you want to build a marriage in which you keep cherishing each other, you have to get over the hurdle of expecting your spouse to be perfect. No one would suggest, intellectually, that we expect our spouses to be perfect; we all would say, "Of course my spouse stumbles," but in our hearts, don't we often resent the particular way our spouses stumble, at the very least telling ourselves, “Wouldn't it be much better if he (shel stumbled in a different way?")
To keep cherishing each other, it follows that we must be good forgivers.
? Your ability to cherish your spouse when they stumble is, in fact, a direct barometer of your spiritual maturity. If you look at the Bible's teaching, half of holiness centers around being patient with other people's sins, as much as it involves dealing with—or avoiding our own sins…Our experiential holiness is defined in large part by our ability to gracefully bear the lack of holiness in others.
"Those with good sense are slow to anger, and it is their glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11)
When you truly cherish someone, you look at the presence behind the problem. If you've accepted that every spouse stumbles in many ways, then you know it's not possible to have the positive presence of a spouse without a corresponding frustration or disappointment. So you look at the frustration as a marker of blessing: this is how the spouse you cherish occasionally stumbles.
Even when things may not look the best, seek understanding before you even think about censure.
begin with an open-ended question; don't prepare a speech. "Tell me what happened trom your perspective"
I can't put this forcefully enough: start these conversations with questions that seek understanding, not with accusations that seek submission. The former breeds cherishing; the latter feeds emotional distance.
husbands and wives are souls who want to be married to someone who will cherish the whole person, not just a particular role a person may fulfill.
We have to be intentional rather than distracted. We have to remind ourselves to think about our spouses with delight. It's not a choice; it's a hundred choices, a thousand choices, and then a hundred thousand choices.
We fashion grooves in our brains that often direct our actions. Repeated actions impact our brain so powerfully that whatever that action is becomes our default mode of response.
“we can grow cherish”
Philippians 4:8 tells us that when we think about our spouses, we should focus on:
* whatever is true
* whatever is noble
* whatever is right
* whatever is pure
* whatever is lovely
* whatever is admirable
* whatever is excellent or praiseworthy
There is more to be gained by sacrificing than by indulging.
Sacrifice lays the groundwork for a cherishing mind-set.
"The study demonstrates that experiential purchases, such as a meal out or theater tickets, result in increased well-being because they satisfy higher order needs."
Cherishing takes intention, purpose, and reflection.
To live lives of cherishing our spouses, we must be wary of cherishing too much of something else. We cannot live with appropriate intensity for our spouses if we are pouring ourselves out on something else.
If you want to be cherished, practice humility and admit there are some really irritating parts of you that need to be transformed-and welcome the transformation.
Tim Keller puts it: "While your character flaws may have created mild problems for other people, they will create major problems for your spouse and your marriage... No one else is as inconvenienced and hurt by your flaws as your spouse is. And therefore your spouse becomes more keenly aware of what is wrong with you than anyone else ever has been."
One of the quickest ways to increase your spouse's desire to cherish you is to find a need and meet it.
In your marriage, are you careful to devote yourself to do good works for your spouse?
Cherish is built and sustained by a lifetime of choices reinforced over decades, so that someone becomes increasingly important to us because they always have been and they always will be.
June 14, 2017
"Cherish" is an amazing book that will show you how to enrich, enhance and strengthen your marriage. We say "To Love and To Cherish" when we marry... but this book actually SHOWS you how to live those words out! This book "Cherish" is a vital tool for any marriage - no matter how long you have been married - everyone needs this book.
January 10, 2017
A long-time fan of Gary Thomas' writing and his ability to communicate in a refreshingly honest way, I was very excited to receive a free digital copy of Cherish as a part of the launch campaign. I'm so grateful for this opportunity to review it and share the news of this wonderful book with others! I love books that both encourage and challenge -- Cherish is one of those books for me!
I was encouraged by the reminder that God intends for us to not only love our spouse through anything but to DELIGHT in our spouse! Perhaps an important note here is that I'm not actually married. Being a psychologist and passionate about helping others improve their relationships, I love learning about marriage and realizing the many parallels between relationship with a spouse and relationship with God. Through Cherish I grew in my understanding of how to delight in God. I was challenged to consider how I'm cherishing, honoring, and showcasing Him. Do I hold Him dear as One with Whom there is no compare? Do I pay such close attention to Him and His activity that I notice and delight in Him? Do I nurture in myself a genuine care for and interest in the things He points out to me and that matter to Him? Do I speak to Him and to others about all that I notice and love about Him? These are just some of the many ways that Gary Thomas' newest book, Cherish, has challenged me to cherish and delight in the one I love....and currently all that focus and energy can be given to God. Singles should not exclude themselves from reading this book! :)
I was encouraged by the reminder that God intends for us to not only love our spouse through anything but to DELIGHT in our spouse! Perhaps an important note here is that I'm not actually married. Being a psychologist and passionate about helping others improve their relationships, I love learning about marriage and realizing the many parallels between relationship with a spouse and relationship with God. Through Cherish I grew in my understanding of how to delight in God. I was challenged to consider how I'm cherishing, honoring, and showcasing Him. Do I hold Him dear as One with Whom there is no compare? Do I pay such close attention to Him and His activity that I notice and delight in Him? Do I nurture in myself a genuine care for and interest in the things He points out to me and that matter to Him? Do I speak to Him and to others about all that I notice and love about Him? These are just some of the many ways that Gary Thomas' newest book, Cherish, has challenged me to cherish and delight in the one I love....and currently all that focus and energy can be given to God. Singles should not exclude themselves from reading this book! :)
August 27, 2023
Cherish is outstanding! It might be the best marriage book I’ve ever read. I’ve grown up in church so the concepts were not new, but Gary Thomas did a fantastic job presenting Truth in such a motivating way— almost like a pep talk if you’ve ever had the pleasure of playing for an inspiring coach. I want to be the spouse he’s describing.
A couple times I had to say “Ouch” not because Thomas was being mean, but because he hit me between the eyes with Truth that convicts and motives me to want to be a better wife. I always say my number one reason for reading is perspective. This book has it in droves, but not in a way that beats you down, but in a way that inspires.
And in the ultimate review, this is one I will be adding it my personal library.
A couple times I had to say “Ouch” not because Thomas was being mean, but because he hit me between the eyes with Truth that convicts and motives me to want to be a better wife. I always say my number one reason for reading is perspective. This book has it in droves, but not in a way that beats you down, but in a way that inspires.
And in the ultimate review, this is one I will be adding it my personal library.
April 26, 2019
2.5 I read this book with a small group from church. I understand what the author was getting at, but found myself rolling my eyes at many of the examples given. Mostly, because it didn’t seem to directly apply to the lesson. Honestly, the conversations we had were much better than events described in the book. The last chapter was probably the best in my opinion. Everything else seemed to be pretty well covered by just reading the bullet points at the end of every chapter.
March 24, 2017
This is a must read for married couples. Especially those that have been married for a little while. Sacred Marriage and Lifelong Love were excellent books but this is by far my favorite. I plan on purchasing several more copies as anniversary gifts.
March 19, 2018
Cherish is the next step beyond love. I loved the reminder that we are uniquely created and will feel cherished differently. Favorite quote: "Your husband is who he is; your wife is who she is. Find out who that person is, and cherish that person as they desire to be cherished."
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