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Letting Go: Rugged Love for Wayward Souls
What do you do when someone you love leaves? And how do you pursue someone who has hurt you, who has sinned against you? In Letting Go, pastors Dave Harvey and Paul Gilbert share stories of pain and stories of hope as they reveal how to care for the prodigal who has strayed. Whether you are dealing with an unfaithful marriage partner, a rebellious child, or a wayward friend, the counsel they offer will help you to pursue a gospel-rooted approach, grounded in truth and practiced in the midst of Christian community.
While each situation is unique, most stories deal with common themes of shame, guilt, confusion, uncertainty, and struggle. You will understand the spiritual dynamics at work in the heart of the prodigal and how you as a family member, spouse, friend, or church leader can best relate to them in love. You will learn how to practice “redemptive release” through confrontation and discipline as well as how to forgive the person who has hurt you through a process of reconciliation. For those in a time of waiting and wondering if their loved one will ever return home, there is a reminder of the hope of the gospel and the necessity of depending upon the Holy Spirit through prayer.
A must-have resource for every believer struggling to love the prodigal back home again, it is ideal for parents and siblings, counselors, pastors, and those ministering to hurting families and churches.
While each situation is unique, most stories deal with common themes of shame, guilt, confusion, uncertainty, and struggle. You will understand the spiritual dynamics at work in the heart of the prodigal and how you as a family member, spouse, friend, or church leader can best relate to them in love. You will learn how to practice “redemptive release” through confrontation and discipline as well as how to forgive the person who has hurt you through a process of reconciliation. For those in a time of waiting and wondering if their loved one will ever return home, there is a reminder of the hope of the gospel and the necessity of depending upon the Holy Spirit through prayer.
A must-have resource for every believer struggling to love the prodigal back home again, it is ideal for parents and siblings, counselors, pastors, and those ministering to hurting families and churches.
192 pages, Paperback
Published November 8, 2016
69 people are currently reading
202 people want to read
About the author
Dave Harvey
76 books56 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.
Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, PA), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Kimm, and their four children.
Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, PA), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Kimm, and their four children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
June 29, 2020
This is a very worthwhile read if you are or know someone who loves a prodigal. Really, it’s worthwhile for anyone. The authors shed so much light on the struggles faced by our brothers and sisters who love prodigals, and because of that the book is a great resource to learn empathy and think through how we can love and support and encourage our friends, family, church, etc., in these heartbreaking and confusing situations. I haven’t been in a situation like this myself but I think the authors’ way of pointing the reader to hope — not in themselves or in an act or a method or a system but in God, who raises the dead (how much more hopeless could a situation be??) and who is faithful to His promises and His people and whose ways are inscrutable — is a great reminder for those of us on the outside to encourage our loved ones in that regard, to pray for their faith and endurance, and to be present with them in the long hard season of their suffering.
February 8, 2017
Wayward people want freedom. And they define this freedom as the ability to choose whatever they want without the burden of responsibility for their decision. By doing do, they reject God and the True Story he tells and craft their own narratives where they are the victim who deserves something better.
Maybe you are on a journey of loving a prodigal son, or a spouse that is not committed. What does it mean to love someone with a rugged love. When to let someone go. How to walk in shame and in weariness. It is grace that saves your prodigal and it is grace that rescues you from the dark places of loving one that has strayed.
Some quotes that I found revealing.
It was a declaration of their independence, an assertion of their rights, and a desire to be completely released from any commitments. I appreciated this line of thought because it came to denying our roles to family and community. A daughter with the role of her parents or a husband to the role of his wife as protector. When the roles come apart, the family goes in a tailspin. The prodigal affects everyone.
To put it simply, and perhaps directly, a wayward person is a fool who rejects right voices and renounces true roles.
To reach the prodigal, your must first crawl in the story of the prodigal.
The author takes you to the beginning with Adam and Eve and defines what the wayward heart is and how to respond to the heart with a rugged love. It is easy? Is it a list that you cross off? No. It is much more. It is resting in the grace of God and walking in suffering. I saw myself more as the wayward in this text, so it helps knowing how my heart is prone to wander. What sets it off. However, the text is more driven to those that must love the tough love with mercy and grace. How we carry the shame and the guilt and how we can look to the work of Christ to heal our own hearts. This book is honest and real. It deals with hard stuff that takes grit and a love that does not give up. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank You to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
Maybe you are on a journey of loving a prodigal son, or a spouse that is not committed. What does it mean to love someone with a rugged love. When to let someone go. How to walk in shame and in weariness. It is grace that saves your prodigal and it is grace that rescues you from the dark places of loving one that has strayed.
Some quotes that I found revealing.
It was a declaration of their independence, an assertion of their rights, and a desire to be completely released from any commitments. I appreciated this line of thought because it came to denying our roles to family and community. A daughter with the role of her parents or a husband to the role of his wife as protector. When the roles come apart, the family goes in a tailspin. The prodigal affects everyone.
To put it simply, and perhaps directly, a wayward person is a fool who rejects right voices and renounces true roles.
To reach the prodigal, your must first crawl in the story of the prodigal.
The author takes you to the beginning with Adam and Eve and defines what the wayward heart is and how to respond to the heart with a rugged love. It is easy? Is it a list that you cross off? No. It is much more. It is resting in the grace of God and walking in suffering. I saw myself more as the wayward in this text, so it helps knowing how my heart is prone to wander. What sets it off. However, the text is more driven to those that must love the tough love with mercy and grace. How we carry the shame and the guilt and how we can look to the work of Christ to heal our own hearts. This book is honest and real. It deals with hard stuff that takes grit and a love that does not give up. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank You to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
December 29, 2016
This is a good book if you have a prodigal in your life. It's short and a quick read, which is probably a good thing. I liked it, but didn't find it a compelling read. It's a lot like Jim Dobson's book "Tough Love."
The basic theme is: You have to love a prodigal with rugged love. This is fine and good advice and I know at least one person in my church who is struggling with a prodigal and they loved the book.
My only complaint is that it reads like a typical Christian formulaic book. They generally go along these lines. Here is an issue "X" with which many people wrestle. Find some verses that seem to apply to "X" and discuss them in various chapters. Voila! Book and subject completed.
So my own feeling coming away from the book was that it was a bit shallow and too formulaic. As a good example of a much deeper and well thought out and less formulaic book, read Martyn Lloyd-Jones book "Spiritual Depression." Here is a guy who thinks deeply and his book reflects it, which is why it is still in print these many years later.
So overall I would say, less formula and more deep thinking on this issue would have made it a better book.
The basic theme is: You have to love a prodigal with rugged love. This is fine and good advice and I know at least one person in my church who is struggling with a prodigal and they loved the book.
My only complaint is that it reads like a typical Christian formulaic book. They generally go along these lines. Here is an issue "X" with which many people wrestle. Find some verses that seem to apply to "X" and discuss them in various chapters. Voila! Book and subject completed.
So my own feeling coming away from the book was that it was a bit shallow and too formulaic. As a good example of a much deeper and well thought out and less formulaic book, read Martyn Lloyd-Jones book "Spiritual Depression." Here is a guy who thinks deeply and his book reflects it, which is why it is still in print these many years later.
So overall I would say, less formula and more deep thinking on this issue would have made it a better book.
March 17, 2023
Excellent read for anyone struggling with how to handle the relationship with a wayward soul. Practical and encouraging advice all backed by scripture.
December 8, 2016
I loved this book. It was easy to read, well written, and packed with wisdom for those loving a prodigal spouse, child, sibling or friend, or for those walking beside someone in that situation. Gilbert's background in Marriage and Family counseling, coupled with his and Harvey's many years of pastoring and sound application of scripture create what will surely be a classic go-to resource for loving a prodigal.
May 15, 2020
This is an exceptionally helpful book about a common theme that is rarely discussed. I read it once through and was blown away. When I finished it, I immediately turned it back to page one and started again with pencil and highlighter in hand. Now we’re reading it again as a family.. Most of us will face this type of relationship struggle to some degree at some point in our lives, and at every point in our lives, we all are in community with someone who is in the throes of it. However common though, shame and isolation on one end, and judgement and/or withdraw on the other, seem to be the normal response even in the Christian community when these things play out, separating church members from the rest of the flock when they need that fortitude the most. This book not only has practical help for people who are living through this type of relational trauma, but also helps those in the church community to have wisdom in responding to both the family (when they are making the difficult decision to let go) and the lost person, who is often manipulative and/or depending on anonymity to continue in destructive patterns. I highly recommend this book to anyone who feels they have the reached the end of their rope in a close relationship, as well as to anyone in the church who cares about how they respond when they see that someone in their community is going through something less than pretty. Of course there will always be those whose preference is avoidance of a family in crisis or a tendency to quick judgement, but others genuinely don’t know how to respond in these hard times and will find this resource quite helpful. If the church is a hospital for sick people, we should be willing to address and treat issues that leave people heartbroken and destitute and this book is an excellent biblical guide.
April 20, 2018
This book nailed every aspect of what it's like to struggle with a wayward soul or prodigal AKA the one you love the most is literally torturing your being BUT it doesn't have to be that way. This book exemplifies through real life and biblical testimonies the emotions, questions, doubts, shame and guilt we all feel in not enabling the behavior of a loved one who has gone astray. The tool for self-preservation and leaning to God for love, support and guidance. I felt ten times better reading this and wish I had this ten years ago when dealing with rough seasons at that point in time but reading it now still helps in assessing my current situation in knowing I'm not alone in how I've dealt with things more detrimental to myself than for the person who has emotionally blackmailed me for too long. I highly suggest this to anyone struggling personally with someone in their life who has made them feel like they were the issue. You're not, it's them and God wants you to know he's there and you're not alone.
June 27, 2017
One word: Wow. I opened this book not 100% sure what to expect. I'm a missionary, so I work with prodigals all the time. The understanding that Dave and Paul have is amazing. A few chapters made me cry because someone understood the pain. It's written practically but at the same time with such sensitivity to the reader. Living with a prodigal can be so painful, but this book is a major encouragement to anyone living through this.
June 13, 2017
Excellent read
This is an excellent book for those who love prodigals. The author helps with Scripture and hope in the midst of difficult or impossible situations. It gives clarity when things are most muddled. Highly recommended.
This is an excellent book for those who love prodigals. The author helps with Scripture and hope in the midst of difficult or impossible situations. It gives clarity when things are most muddled. Highly recommended.
January 27, 2021
I’m a pretty new pastor who hasn’t done a ton of counseling yet, but the majority of the counseling I have done has been with parents who are struggling with a prodigal child.
If you love a prodigal or know someone who does, this is an invaluable resource.
If you love a prodigal or know someone who does, this is an invaluable resource.
July 9, 2017
I purchased this book thru Amazon after reading this article by Dave Harvey from desiringgod.org: Love Might Win the Wayward in Your Life
I found the article really radical and game-changing because what we usually hear about loving a prodigal (or someone we care about who has hurt us or continuously hurting and disappointing us) is that we should never give up on them. But in this particular article, Dave Harvey mentioned that sometimes, the only way we can love the prodigal in our lives is to let them go:
By doing positive good — responding with godly, rugged love — we overcome the evil that has been done. But if things deteriorate, we need to be ready for the painful reality that love may require letting a prodigal go. In the heart-breaking act of letting go, our intent is not to punish the person or to retaliate for what they have done to us. We must not meet evil with evil. When we do, everyone loses, and no one gets loved.
Rather, we let go as a way to do good.
I wanted to learn more about this “rugged love” through this book, and it did not disappoint. Below are just a few reasons why I’m recommending this book:
❤ It’s practical and relatable ❤
To set the stage, the writers walked us through different examples of wayward behavior, and how these behaviors affect the people around them. Then one by one, they shared with us the ways on how we can properly respond to these kinds of behaviors and situations. I think it helps that this book is easy to read, relatable, and actionable, rather than being too focused on the theory of doing things, because knowing how I can properly love the people in my life is the major reason why I bought this book.
❤ The inputs are supported by Scriptures ❤
Other books just suggest solutions without proper biblical support or references, and I’m glad to report that this book is not one of them. It’s doesn’t just tell us what to do–it shows us why we should do it, and why we can do it.
❤ Doesn’t sugarcoat ❤
It acknowledges that loving the prodigals in our lives is not easy. That we cannot just become loving overnight. This book understands the struggle, and emphasizes the gravity of making the right decisions before things get out of hand.
❤ Ends with hope ❤
Perhaps my favorite chapter from the entire book is the last one because it closed the book in a hopeful note. I really can’t put into words how this chapter stirred my heart, so let me just quote a few lines:
God’s rugged love carries his resurrecting power. And if you feel like you’re dying each day, be encouraged. “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). In the fullness of time, dark nights end, cold winters subside, and hope heals. We live to laugh again because the One who showed us rugged love empowers us to exercise it.
The God we rely upon is the God who raises the dead.
MY RATING:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
4 STARS. 1 star deducted because of the shifting in writing style and voice between the two authors. Other than that, I’d say that this is a book worth coming back to.
OTHER NOTABLE LINES:
“Love does not enable sinful behavior. What we need is not a weak accommodating “love,” but a rugged love, one that allows prodigals to sample the consequences of their bad decisions.”
“Love is keeping your promises, even when it hurts. It is patient and kind, gracious and forgiving, and willing to speak the truth even when doing so is costly (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). We know this love is tough… this tough love gets us through the tough times.”
“Our love becomes rugged as our motivation moves from “peace for me” to “help for them.”
I found the article really radical and game-changing because what we usually hear about loving a prodigal (or someone we care about who has hurt us or continuously hurting and disappointing us) is that we should never give up on them. But in this particular article, Dave Harvey mentioned that sometimes, the only way we can love the prodigal in our lives is to let them go:
By doing positive good — responding with godly, rugged love — we overcome the evil that has been done. But if things deteriorate, we need to be ready for the painful reality that love may require letting a prodigal go. In the heart-breaking act of letting go, our intent is not to punish the person or to retaliate for what they have done to us. We must not meet evil with evil. When we do, everyone loses, and no one gets loved.
Rather, we let go as a way to do good.
I wanted to learn more about this “rugged love” through this book, and it did not disappoint. Below are just a few reasons why I’m recommending this book:
❤ It’s practical and relatable ❤
To set the stage, the writers walked us through different examples of wayward behavior, and how these behaviors affect the people around them. Then one by one, they shared with us the ways on how we can properly respond to these kinds of behaviors and situations. I think it helps that this book is easy to read, relatable, and actionable, rather than being too focused on the theory of doing things, because knowing how I can properly love the people in my life is the major reason why I bought this book.
❤ The inputs are supported by Scriptures ❤
Other books just suggest solutions without proper biblical support or references, and I’m glad to report that this book is not one of them. It’s doesn’t just tell us what to do–it shows us why we should do it, and why we can do it.
❤ Doesn’t sugarcoat ❤
It acknowledges that loving the prodigals in our lives is not easy. That we cannot just become loving overnight. This book understands the struggle, and emphasizes the gravity of making the right decisions before things get out of hand.
❤ Ends with hope ❤
Perhaps my favorite chapter from the entire book is the last one because it closed the book in a hopeful note. I really can’t put into words how this chapter stirred my heart, so let me just quote a few lines:
God’s rugged love carries his resurrecting power. And if you feel like you’re dying each day, be encouraged. “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). In the fullness of time, dark nights end, cold winters subside, and hope heals. We live to laugh again because the One who showed us rugged love empowers us to exercise it.
The God we rely upon is the God who raises the dead.
MY RATING:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
4 STARS. 1 star deducted because of the shifting in writing style and voice between the two authors. Other than that, I’d say that this is a book worth coming back to.
OTHER NOTABLE LINES:
“Love does not enable sinful behavior. What we need is not a weak accommodating “love,” but a rugged love, one that allows prodigals to sample the consequences of their bad decisions.”
“Love is keeping your promises, even when it hurts. It is patient and kind, gracious and forgiving, and willing to speak the truth even when doing so is costly (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). We know this love is tough… this tough love gets us through the tough times.”
“Our love becomes rugged as our motivation moves from “peace for me” to “help for them.”
June 7, 2023
This is a well-balanced book between encouragement and "straight talk," between your responsibility and what you're not responsible for. It gives good pictures/definitions to help think through a particular situation, especially in relation to what love does or looks like in difficult situations: "Love does not accommodate destructive patterns of sin in the name of patience. Yet patience for the idle looks different than patience for the weak. . . . Christ’s patience has a purpose—to lead to our repentance. Jesus is not patient with us because it is a nice thing to do, a random or arbitrary act of kindness. His love has an intention—to lead us back to God." . . . The last few chapters provide excellent discussion to help with prayer for the "wayward" and yourself in the situation.
May 9, 2017
Very helpful and encouraging for Christians with a prodigal in their lives. Central message is that loving a prodigal often means "letting go" of the wayward as part of a longer term process of praying and seeking their return, with key chapters describing the nature of that "rugged love". Helpfully deals with the shame of loving a prodigal, but doesn't spend nearly enough time addressing the guilt of sins that may have contributed to that prodigality. Often practical, but not "checklist" practical, which is probably a good thing.
November 4, 2022
Good book
The book does a great job with the reality of the prodigal person. Lots of biblical accounts to deliver counsel to the victim of a prodigal. Even in trying to convey comfort and to hold on for the ride, it is very difficult to comfort anyone during these times. May the fellowship of believers pray fervently for the prodigal as well as the victims of their poor choices,
The book does a great job with the reality of the prodigal person. Lots of biblical accounts to deliver counsel to the victim of a prodigal. Even in trying to convey comfort and to hold on for the ride, it is very difficult to comfort anyone during these times. May the fellowship of believers pray fervently for the prodigal as well as the victims of their poor choices,
February 6, 2019
A very important book for any Christian, husband, wife, father, mother, sibling or friend who has a wayward person in their life. This book will help give you so much perspective on the situation and well meaning things you might do or have done, that have hurt more than help. Read this book! You will need it, or know someone who will.
October 21, 2021
Helpful for the weary soul.
There are no quick fixes to see the prodigal in your life come home. Dave Harvey serves those of us with a prodigal we love so dearly by sharing truth that brings comfort and hope and equips us for endurance for the long road ahead. Thank you Dave for pointing me to Jesus.
There are no quick fixes to see the prodigal in your life come home. Dave Harvey serves those of us with a prodigal we love so dearly by sharing truth that brings comfort and hope and equips us for endurance for the long road ahead. Thank you Dave for pointing me to Jesus.
October 17, 2022
Dave Harvey and Paul Gilbert draw on a wealth of experience, Scripture and application to help us make the hard decisions that are a means of grace to us and to those loved ones who have rejected God’s ways and our love. I felt the preface and chapters 1-5 gave me the most benefit. The remaining chapters further describe the insight from the first five.
January 17, 2023
Very clearly written, great steps and points to breakdown each chapter, and studded with realistic stories, this work is a great tool to think about what it looks like to love a wayward soul. This is all too common occurrence in our day and age (really any day and age) and this book gives practical advice that is richly theological.
April 28, 2023
Very helpful
I've read so many books on prodigals, but this one addresses the pain of letting them go for a time. There is a lot of accompanying Scripture to back up the points discussed. I've turned to this book many times on the journey with my wayward child. I highly recommend.
I've read so many books on prodigals, but this one addresses the pain of letting them go for a time. There is a lot of accompanying Scripture to back up the points discussed. I've turned to this book many times on the journey with my wayward child. I highly recommend.
December 8, 2018
Though there is some practical advice to be gleaned in this book sometimes the solutions are generalized and a bit contrite. There is an underlying tone to this book that put me off a bit. Maybe they used the word ‘stupid’ and ‘Prodigal’ in the same sentence one too many times for my liking.
July 19, 2019
Exchanged my perspective for the Lord's.... Wow!!! If you love a wayward, or know someone who does.... REad. This. Book. So we'll written by a great counselor.... Leading you through identifying, praying, waiting, and growing while trusting the only One Who can save!
May 10, 2020
This book is supremely helpful in explaining and understanding the plight of believers who struggle with prodigal family members or loved ones. Much hope from the Scriptures is shared that is relevant and practical. Never give up, never lose hope!
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July 2, 2022Inspiring
Reminds us to anchor our faith totally in God, not in ourselves, heartbreaking circumstances and impossible situations. We need to remember God' s promises and His power over life and death.
Reminds us to anchor our faith totally in God, not in ourselves, heartbreaking circumstances and impossible situations. We need to remember God' s promises and His power over life and death.
January 21, 2018
Great book for all those who have broken relationships in their lives.
January 25, 2018
Mom of a Prodigal
This book didn't sugar coat the situation, but have me real hope. It reached places in me that I didn't even know were broken.
This book didn't sugar coat the situation, but have me real hope. It reached places in me that I didn't even know were broken.
November 20, 2020
this is the first book i’ve read about letting go a prodigal. it has so much wisdom and encouragement in preserving through some hard relationships. i will def come back to this one
October 30, 2022
This book just doesn’t verify your broken heart when a loved one wanders, it actually gives you practical tips and advice on how to get through. It is heavily based in scripture!
October 24, 2025
A wonderful gospel-filled book providing credible hope.
February 15, 2020
This book is written by a pair of pastors about the concept of the wayward soul. Typically, the direction of this writing would not be my cup of tea, but this particular book struck jus the right chord with me. The authors do a good job at generalizing the “wayward soul” to apply to the cheating spouse, rebellious young adult, estranged family, former “friends”, or any one else that has abandoned their roles with others. The authors somehow connect situations like this to the Bible while remaining less “biblical” and more “spiritual”. The Spirit of this book is really good. I appreciated the spiritual perspective on these topics. I would recommend reading this for anyone trying to cope with someone who has abandoned their roles with us.
September 19, 2020
As one who is dealing with this topic, I found the content to be relevant and reaffirming. Personally I'd recommend this to someone who has recently been hurt or abandoned by someone they love. Some parts of the book were inspiring / informative, and other parts exhausting as I feel the authors went a little overboard describing the agonizing position of “the sufferer" . Overall helpful and insightful.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews