Loving My Actual Life: An Experiment in Relishing What's Right in Front of Me

by Alexandra Kuykendall

Feel Satisfied with Who and Where You AreIn a world of comparison and discontent, it can feel impossible to be happy with life as we know it. Other people seem to have it all together, to be finding success, to be having more fun. But we weren't meant for a life characterized by dissatisfaction.In this entertaining and relatable book, Alexandra Kuykendall chronicles her nine-month experiment to rekindle her love of her ordinary "actual" life. After wiping her calendar as clean as a mother of four can, Kuykendall focuses on one aspect of her life each month, searching for ways to more fully enjoy her current season. By intentionally adding one thing each month that will make her jump for joy, she provides a practical challenge women can easily replicate. With humor, poignancy, and plenty of personal stories, Kuykendall weaves together spiritual themes and practical application into a holy self-awareness, showing women how a few small changes in their routines can improve their enjoyment of this crazy-busy life.Endorsement"If you ever get the chance to read anything written by Alexandra Kuykendall, take it. She is a gentle, trustworthy storyteller who lives the words she writes about."--Emily P. Freeman, author of Simply Tuesday

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Faith, Christian, Memoir, Inspirational, Parenting

226 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 26, 2016

Reviews

[Anna Hommes · Rating 5 out of 5]

For a while now, it feels like I've been in survival mode, holding my breath until this difficult phase of life ends. When the baby sleeps more and the kids are more independent, then I'll be able to take care of me again. Then, I'll enjoy my life again. Alexandra Kuykendall's book reminded me that there are gifts to be appreciated today, in my actual chaotic life. I was missing them, missing opportunities because my focus was on the endless needs of my little ones and my household.

Inspired by her experiment, I've been making small changes on a practical level. I had thought that I was doing as much as I could under the circumstances. However, I'm seeing now that if I tweak certain habits, even small ones, it can have a significant impact on my mood and stress levels. I'm planning to continue my own experiment, because why wouldn't I want to learn to love the life I've been given?

I have read other books with a similar format and although I have enjoyed them, reading them didn't lead to meaningful change in my own life. Because Kuykendall's experiment finds its setting in her actual life, with all of its regular challenges and responsibilities, it felt more more applicable to my life. I'm so grateful for Kuykendall's authentic sharing of her journey. She is both a normalizing voice and an inspiring one.

[Missy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. I plowed through and finished it, but it frustrated me. I'm a fixer so when I see a problem, I look for a solution and fix it. Tired of looking at the dirty dishes in the sink day in and day out? Wash them right after meals. Better yet, teach your kids to help. Tired of digging through piles of laundry wondering if they are clean or dirty? Fold the clothes as you take them out of the dryer. Better yet, teach your kids to help. These are 5-10 minute jobs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect in these things, but Ms. Kuykendall came off as a bit whiny to me as she talked about her very fixable problems. I understand her struggles, but they just didn't seem that book worthy. Maybe I'm just in a different stage of life. I can see how her suggestions and experiments might be helpful for someone who is completely overwhelmed, but I'm just not there right now.

[Danielle · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book but when an undisciplined person sets out to write a memoir about self-improvement what do you expect will happen? Not much improvement. And for my istj personality, this is really hard to read and wade through.

[Janssen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like Gretchen Rubin better, but this was just a fun, sweet read.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kuykendall is a natural storyteller who tells the journey of what it is like to carry out an experiment over a nine month period in which she learns to enjoy the life and the moments right in front of her, rather than this grand idea of what life should or is supposed to be like. As a mother of four and working for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), Alexandra she realized that her days were on autopilot while she was missing out on the adventure right in front of her.

How often is that true for all of us? Whether you have children or not, do you go through your day living on autopilot going from one thing to the next and not looking at the thing in front of you? What Kuykendall began to notice was her children were growing up too fast, her relationship with her husband was showing wear, and so were her close friendships. I think we can all say at some point in our lives; we are all guilty of that. She spent the next nine months re-evaluating her life, time, possessions, health, sleep, etc. to find time and balance learning to stop and see what was in front of her. I love how she handles social media too. This is a book that is very encouraging for those who are ready to have a slower pace life, living in the moment, looking to make small changes and being more intentional about their lives.

Thank you to Baker Books for providing me a complimentary copy for review purposes. I HIGHLY recommend this book! 5/5 stars!

[Katie Boland · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, this was more memoir than "an experiment in relishing what's right in front of me". Which is fine except she keeps insistenting throughout the book that she is doing this experiment. And then really doesn't. Again and again and again. I really wanted to gain some wisdom, some thoughts from tis experiment and maybe want to try it myself. But it just never really worked. For her or for me.

[Megan Franks · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel really guilty giving this book 2 stars. For one, what's the difference between one star and two? Two and three? (My own star-giving system is 1 for abandoned books, 3 for "it's okay; I didn't hate it" and 4 for "really good" and 5 for "I'd read it again...so two is somewhere in between abandoned and okay.) Secondly, Alexandra Kukendall (the author) seems like a perfectly wonderful, witty person that'd I'd love to hang out with, and she's a lovely writer to boot. So, no offense, Alexandra! It's not you...it's me!

I LOVED the title of this book. In this age of social media when the rest of the world is constantly telling us about their perfect families and perfect jobs and perfect vacations, don't we all struggle with the ability to love our everyday life? As it typically my habit, I picked it up at the bookstore and flipped to the center. There was SOMEthing on that page that jumped out at me (I wish I could remember now!) and grabbed my attention. However, I later found myself reading about half of the book and disappointedly skimming the rest. Perhaps it was the diary-style entries that didn't capture my attention? I'm really not sure.

Bottom line: I TOTALLY agree with the premise of the book. We should all be intentional about counting our blessings and being thankful for what we have instead of what we do not. However, the book failed to capture my attention completely.

[Elizabeth Bienas · Rating 2 out of 5]

I probably should have read the description better. This is great for moms, but doesn’t translate as well to others. The writing was good. Just expected more practical advice.

[Laura Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loving My Actual Life is a Memoir of Alexandra Kutkendall experiment to looking for the goodness right in front of her each day. Too often it can be missed in the chaos and busyness of life. I found the book very inspiring as it is a journey I have been on as well. The little things really are the big things and this served as a reminder to love what is right in front of us right now.

While this is a memoir I took a lot from her reflection questions at the end of each chapter and the section at the end where she bullet points things to try in your own experiment toward loving your actual life.

[Lesley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book but with that being said I am in the same stage as this author.

Kids from preschool to teenagers ✅
Crazy schedules ✅
Running kids in all directions to their activities ✅
Disorganized mess at home ✅
Little motivation to clean up said mess ✅

I liked how through out her experiment she was always thinking about what God would have her be doing in this life that she has created. Some of the themes reminded me of the Happiness Project, ie. Do what only you can do.

I listened to this but I just ordered a copy on Amazon so I can read it and make notes. Great for me but I wonder if people not in this stage of life would enjoy or find this book helpful.

[Jackie Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. I did. I appreciate the premise of loving your actual life, the great easy to love parts and the difficult why me parts. Hence why I bought the book. But here’s the thing, this book is written by a woman who has NO apparent difficulties to overcome. It appears her greatest challenge is how to be fully present and not staring at the newest iphone her husband bought her, in a rosy life of a supportive decades long loving marriage, with a healthy spouse and four healthy, smart, loving children, in a large enough home to fit them all, in a position in that they can afford for her to work out of the home only sometimes. What’s NOT to love about her actual life?
It’s just too... too... precious. It’s too aren’t I soooo busy with my mom’s group and shuttling my darling children from activity to activity that I can barely be anything but adorably disheveled and oh so tired?
It’s well-intentioned but shallow.
I need to read this book from someone who has STRUGGLED, who has health issues, who has a career that is stalling, who HAS to work, who has a difficult marriage, who can’t have children...all of that is a CHALLENGE... and yet that person loves their actual life. I need THAT book.

[Erica T · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. So many times as I was reading it I wondered if this author had been spying on my actual life and was writing about me. She has so many good insights into how we can be content while still working to improve our lives, not living for the future dream life we think we'll have or mourning the life we should have had. This is one book that I will likely listen too again and again as it will be good to remind myself of all the important thoughts in here.

[Angie Fehl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author Alexandra Kuykendall is a writer who has also spent nearly a decade working for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International. In her newest book, a memoir of sorts, she relates the things she learned about her family and herself while carrying out a life experiment in which she spent 9 months making more of an effort to love the life she has rather than the pie-in-the-sky ideal she thought she wanted and was missing out on. As a mother of four -- the youngest 3 years old, the oldest entering middle grade -- with an insane daily schedule, she realized she was burning through her days on exhausted autopilot, or as she says, "I was operating on perma-exhaustion."

Kuykendall began to notice that her children seemed to be growing up at a crazy fast rate and she felt like she was missing so much because she was so focused just on making the daily scheduling work. She also realized that her relationships with her husband and close friends and family were showing signs of neglect. Not wanting to look back on these years with regret, she decided to implement a plan. For the next 9 months, she would bring back the joy into her life that she thought she had lost, each month focusing on one specific area that needed attention: focusing on good health & sleep, finding dedicated "me time", decluttering her mind and posessions, reigniting the marital spark, etc. {Kuykendall says she chose a 9 month time frame because that seems like a natural block of time when you're a mom -- time it takes to grow a baby, length of a school year}.

Kuykendall then dedicates herself to connecting with people more personally, calling or visiting in person rather than falling back on quick but more impersonal text or email. She forces herself to back away from what she calls "virtual noise", basically all social media. She cuts back on television, Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, even Youtube; her reasoning being that today's culture is too easily tempted into distraction and procrastination because of media addiction, being so focused on trying to make every moment Insta-worthy that we miss out on the actual moment. She admits that where she used to be annoyed by all the constant noise in her house, she had to retrain herself to actually cherish the noise because you cherish those who are making the noise, and there will likely come a day when those loved ones won't be so easily accessible.

Alexandra, in her experimentation, makes a point during these 9 months to try her darnedest to start each day in an intentionally peaceful way, waking before the rest of the house does, taking in the silence and using it to guide her morning meditations. She learns to meal prep the night before to cut that stress from the next day. She switches out deep house cleans for an easier tidy-as-you-go-throughout-the-day method as well as diving into purging of extraneous material possessions which in turn helps clear her mind of emotional clutter & stress.

On the personal health front, she pushes herself to make doctor's appointments that she would normally find reasons to put off, in part spurred by the loss of more than one friend to fatal illnesses. At first, the mom guilt kicks in -- that "how dare I worry about me when my kid needs ___" -- but then it dawns on her that in a way, she's actually doing her kids a favor. Not only is she making sure she's healthy, ensuring she'll be there for them for a long time to come, but her actions also subtlety teach them the importance of showing care & respect for their own bodies. She also embraces the practice of making an effort wardrobe-wise even on casual days. Even if it's just a stay at home kind of day, she makes herself choose a cute shirt or put on light makeup and a few jewelry pieces because she realizes it does boost her overall self-esteem and mood for the rest of the day.

During other months, she learns to not focus on the drudgery of housework and instead think of chores as more of a fun event (ie. take dinner outside one night, make it al fresco! Just because!) -- find little ways to make games out of it or reward yourself. Missing the adventure side of her once globetrotter self, she also tries to make the most of staycations, trying new-to-her cuisine, visiting tourist attractions she would normally scoff at, doing things that make her face certain fears of hers. I liked how throughout this entire book, Kuykendall was always honest about how successful each stage of the experiment turned out to be. She doesn't shy away from admitting when old habits would start to creep back in despite her best intentions. Rather than give up, she writes of what she's learning from the experience in that moment. She encourages readers wanting to try this sort of thing to basically expect the unexpected. That no matter how bad you try to keep it out, life will throw wrenches into your best-laid plans, so your best bet is to strive for just more peace, rather than perfection. In the final month chapter of the book, Kuykendall mentions interviewing author Shauna Niequist. Niequist talks of how people get so caught up in what their entire life purpose might be, but she prefers to focus on what she's called to do for the current year instead. She also points out that if readers feel a year is still too overwhelming a time frame, they can narrow it down to focus on just a month to month time frame. I really liked this idea! Because it can get disheartening sometimes when you get locked into that "what am I even doing with my life?!" line of thinking.... but if you open it up to just a month or year at a time, it does seem less scary and more open to attainable possibilities.

The overall layout of this book has a journal-memoir feel to it, but Kuykendall also has it set up to where it can double as a kind of devotional for readers, what with the "Questions For Reflection" at the end of each chapter, as well as bible passages she found relevant to how she was feeling during particular points in the project. She also offers bulletpoints of what she tried at the start of each month and what she feels she can continue to incorporate into her life at the each month's end. This gives a helpful guideline for any readers wanting to try a similar experiment in their own households.

I really enjoyed the candor and humor within Kuykendall's writing. I cracked up whenever she described a moment of doing some sort of preplanning, organizing or meal prep the night before but then forgetting that it was done the next day, then coming home to find a chore done and feeling as if magical stress-reliving fairies came in and blessed her day... til she remembered, "oh wait, that was me, I did that!" As far as the topic, I feel this book with best resonate with busy mothers, but even as someone who runs a childless home, I still found ideas that I can incorporate into my lifestyle as well.

I was hoping for more stories of her trying things out of her comfort zone though. It did feel like much of what she writes here mostly focuses around learning how to better carry out meal prep, "me time", dedicated family time... more organizational type ideas rather than adventurous experiences. Then again, when I thought about it, the book IS called Loving MY Actual Life, so she did stick to that idea, I guess. She wrote about what made HER actual day to day life more fulfilling.

FTC Disclaimer: Baker Publishing kindly provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The opinions above are entirely my own.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was informative in ways I wasn't expecting. For one, it helped me understand my devout Catholic colleagues here at school. It's a very Christ-centered book, which is sometimes off-putting to me. But overall the message transcends the specifics in this case, and in fact I found the spirituality aspect of the book germane, as the author's faith clearly informs her life and practicality. And truly, my faith does the same for me, just in less clear and obvious ways!

At any rate, the concept of the experiment to focus on one aspect of living a good life each month for nine months resonated with me. She doesn't try to carry everything over from one month to the next, but does let her experiences from each month affect what she focuses on in the following lens. Much of what she "discovered" is hardly news, but it was decently written and succinct. And seeing her fail often each month was quite liberating as well- because don't we all fail at our projects? And learn from those failures?

The most critical thing I've learned (been convinced by?) is the reaffirmation that I need to go on a media fast. I can't handle our government right now, nor contemporary news, and I can't be an excellent parent and spouse when I'm focused on what's coming next, and what people outside my personal sphere are saying and doing. I think I'll draw much for my own summer break from the ideas Kykendall espouses here, and perhaps do my own (more limited) experiment during these weeks of freedom and fun.

I don't recommend this if the religiosity will frustrate you, but if that is something you're able to handle, it's a pretty solid book that offers a great deal of food for thought for your own search for authenticity and love for your actual life. There are likely better books on many of the subjects she undertakes during her project, but this was the book I needed right now, and for that I'm grateful to have found it.

[Betsy Daniels · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author has an epiphany. Why not do an experiment each month with an element of life (morning routine, friendships, relationship with husband, career development, rest, activity changes, religion,...)that would make her family's (and her own), days (and nights) more meaningful, and restful? I honor her work of mothering and resonate with the challenges. But I struggle with the "lists" she creates that don't always work for many in today's reality. Whatever works for one, may not satisfy another. But all power to anyone willing to change it up...with great intention!!!

[Carla Laureano]

I didn't actually finish this one. I had checked it out from the library in audio format and it expired before I finished listening to it. I simply wasn't interested enough to check it out again.

Not that it was a bad book... I've simply made most of those changes to my life already, so I wasn't getting anything new from it. Plus, I found the audio book narrator really annoying. The fact I stuck with it as long as I did is probably a testament to the writing and the author's voice. If you need a kick in the pants to make changes to your life, you may like it. If you're already a self-help book veteran like me, there's not a ton of new material here.

[Jeff Hoots · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful Diary of a Busy Parent

My wife and I spend a lot of time investing in our kids. Even though they are high school and college age, it seems "only yesterday" they were preschool and elementary, like the author's family. We can relate to the busyness of life, and the temptation to think about the way we wish things were, instead of appreciating the way things actually are. This book, through reading the author's efforts, help remind us that we have it quite well if we proactively think and do something about it.

[Brooke796 ☼ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, my rating isn't really honest because I didn't finish the book, but I want to. Hopefully I'll get back around to it. I really enjoyed her outlook on life and appreciated the way she brought in her religious beliefs. I highlighted several lines and would like to read them again. I probably will do better with a physical copy that I can pick up when I have time.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great reminder of ways to find contentment and just the right level of kick-in-the-pants to get motivated to attend to those areas in our lives we dread working on, but once we commit 10 minutes of effort, we immediately feel lighter.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really good, particularly in this New Years season! Lots of good ideas about starting healthy habits, evaluating areas of weakness and enacting real change in your life

[Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some thought-provoking observations, but overall a bit fluffier than I think I was hoping for.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some good, overall applicable parts, but so much of it was the author being lost in the hurry of her stage of life that it felt more like a personal diary and less helpful to the reader.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Closer to 2.5 stars for me (I'm not religious, and although I knew this had that element to it, I still wanted to read it. I just glossed over those bits, which in all fairness were NOT preachy at all), but I'm rounding up.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars

I didn't care for the format, and the author is just not relatable for me. Busy middle class moms might get more out of this book.

[Alice-Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a funny, easy, inspiring read. I could relate a lot to this author as she has 4 kids (about the same ages as mine) and found myself laughing out loud several times. I loved her idea of experimenting on 1 area of your life once a month. I loved how much grace she had with herself when her "experiments" didn't go the way she hoped. That's LIFE! But it was good see improvements could be made in small ways when you were focused on something specific. There were several nuggets of wisdom that really stuck with me, too.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this. Full review: http://happinessinthecrapiness.blogsp...

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

With the best of intentions, my sister-in-law gave me this book for my birthday. Little did either of us know at the time this would be a "yay Jesus fest" of a book written by a veritable mini-van driving soccer mom who, even with only a part-time job she cuts back on and a husband to support her, spends most of the book complaining about how busy she is and how overwhelming her family responsibilities are (well, why did you keep popping out kid after kid, then?) - then yay Jesus, hooray Jesus, God is good every other page. I forced my way through it because A. it was a gift and B. I hoped if I could set the born-again Christian stuff aside I would be able to learn something and glean insight. The mediocrity of both the writing and the message left me sorely disappointed (and I don't give a damn about your Pintrest and Twitter feeds); if you're looking for something more meaningful, pick up Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun instead. Me? I'm going to "cleanse my palate" with Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life instead.

[Fleur Pryor · Rating 3 out of 5]

After reading the Happiness Project which I loved, I found this to be along the same lines but not a lot to show from it. I found there was too much God & Jesus for my liking. I do like the idea of doing something for a month but didn't find any new tips or lessons from the story itself.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book, I have read a lot of this type of thing before, so I didn't garner much new information, but it was a nice reminder. The author was candid and read, so I appreciated that for sure. She doesn't pretend to find all the answers to everything, which was good.

[Song Summers · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had a 9 month experiment to "love my actual life" or rather 9 small experiments. It was written in journal form where she wrote revelant or not so relevant entries concerning the experiment at the time. I honestly forced myself to finish this book.