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UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World
Hailed as “an absolute must-read” (Jean Twenge) and a book that “will change your kids’ lives” (Jack Canfield), UnSelfie by Dr. Michele Borba explains what parents and educators MUST do to combat the growing empathy crisis among children today—including a 9-step empathy-building program with tips to guide kids from birth through college, and beyond.Teens today are forty percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—which goes hand-in-hand with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, a lack of empathy hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate, and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. In UnSelfie Dr. Borba pinpoints the forces causing the empathy crisis and shares a revolutionary, researched-based, nine-step plan for reversing it. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured. Dr. Borba offers a framework for parenting that yields the results we all successful, happy kids who also are kind, moral, courageous, and resilient. UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want to kids shift their focus from I, me, and mine…to we, us, and ours.
306 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 7, 2016
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About the author
Michele Borba
35 books68 followersDr. Michele Borba is an educational psychologist and an author.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 394 reviews
June 11, 2018
I feel like I’ve drawn the short straw on this book and I’m now going to have to argue against empathy – hmm, won’t that be fun.
I’m not totally sure if the thing that put me off this book first of all was the almost gormless tone. This is my second self-help style book in a row now and this one was a particularly poor example of the genre. The problem here was that she has a Ph.D. – so, I wasn’t expecting this to be quite so simpleminded, in fact, I was expecting quite another kind of book here. A bit like you might feel if you read ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ thinking, well, the author’s called Dr…
This is one of those books based around the telling of an endless series of feel-good stories of children who have overcome remarkable hurdles or been little shits, but then saw the errors of their way, or who do something heart-warming in a room full of adults who then find that they are unable to hold back the tears, so proud and moved and overwhelmed are they… You get the style. Ironically enough, this sort of thing drains my soul of every last drop of empathy – weird, I know.
My disgust peaked with the idea of a family meeting (make it fun, have pizza) where everyone sits around and discusses their core family values and then develops this into a values statement or mantra, that can be, just as one family did, hung on their refrigerator, “where it’s remained for twenty-five years.” Having spent far too many team meetings doing this crap, the idea of creating ‘our family mission statement and KPIs’ – almost reduced me to violence.
Look, empathy is a very important skill to have, and this book suggests that empathy is something that is basically in freefall in the US. I suspect, like so much else in this book, that this is nonsense, and I particularly think that when she says things like, “One study showed youth bullying increased a whopping 52 percent in just four years (2003 to 2007)”. Beware statistics, particularly ones that seems remarkably ‘accurate’ – I don’t quite know how you go about measuring bullying, but surely whatever measuring stick you might use simply can’t be accurate enough to mark off down to 52%. And this was immediately after she told us narcissism had increased by 58% and on the next page of the 72% of Americans who say moral values are ‘getting worse’ – presumably they are referring of the lax moral values of the other 28%...
The problem is that I want to agree with this woman in quite a few places – but she makes it so incredibly difficult for me. Firstly, we need a reason for this precipitous decline in the moral and empathetic nature of the American public/young people. And that she finds is all too obvious – something they have now that we didn’t have back in the halcyon days when everyone was incredibly moral and even righteous. And that mystery element is the mobile devices. Mobiles are rewiring children’s brains so that they are selfish, self-obsessed and self-destructive.
I understand that there are many bad things about mobile devices – but these are communications devices, so, to claim that they stop people communicating is a bit of a stretch. I just can’t accept that they are completely evil and the cause of all social ills. I think she really needs to consider the growing individualisation of our societies – but that is hardly something she can do, because ultimately, this is a book about individuals.
For a book about empathy, it is remarkably how this is almost entirely centred on the individual. There is only one story told in this that I can think of that involved groups of people – a camp where the children were divided into two groups. Mostly, if there is a group of people elsewhere in the book, they are responding to the wonderful idea of some single kid who had the brains, or the courage, or the good taste, or the empathy, to do something that changed the world. And good on them – there should be more of it – more strength to their elbow. But what is never discussed is how groups of people come together without such a ‘leader’ and actively work together to change something. Together is the key word here. This is a book on empathy, and nearly every example is some single person affecting change – never together. This book is set in America – the world’s second most religious nation after Iran, by all accounts (I more or less made that up) – and yet she doesn’t even talk about churches working together to bring about change. This is a book about empathy and it is a book about leaders and followers. All of which strikes me as a very American form of empathy.
One of the examples that particularly got up my nose was her discussion of a boy called Trevor who set up a campaign to help the homeless. Now, this is a really good thing to do, nothing highlights the gross social inequities in our societies quite as starkly as homelessness. It is an appalling indictment and any action to alleviate the suffering of the homeless is an act of kindness, something that should be praised. But the bit that got up my nose was this:
“Two years later, the thirteen-year-old was spearheading a 250-person operation that brought food and blankets to the homeless. President Ronald Reagan introduced him to millions during his State of the Union address and described Trevor and those like him as “heroes of our hearts . . . the living spirit of brotherly love.”
Homelessness is a social issue and it ought to be addressed socially, and as such it is a political issue, one caused by how we decide to allocate scarce resources in our economic system – and as such it ought to be addressed by governments, not by children. That Reagan did much to cut welfare programs ought to have disqualified him from praising the compassion of others – but that’s the point, you see. The point is to make these issues matters of individual charity, rather than of welfare – and of charity that is individually based (certainly not collectively based) and never something that is run by citizens. This book presents instance after instance of individuals doing things – never citizens coming together and acting together and changing things forever through their collective action upon their elected representatives. Rosa Parks is discussed - the Civil Rights Marches, not. Empathy isn’t only something individuals have or do, it is something that can be done by organisations, nations, groups. By always individualising empathy this book is supporting one of the problems that helps produce the empathy gap in the first place. Empathy grows by human interaction – and that interaction requires community, something else she hardly ever mentions.
I am going to end with one more thing that really annoyed me – she would repeatedly talk about ‘your child’and then she would invariably refer to that child as ‘him’. For example: “Self-regulation will help your child learn to manage strong emotions and reduce personal distress so he (sic) can help others.” Really? Using the masculine pronoun as the universal? And she is going to tell me about empathy? Dear god.
I’m not totally sure if the thing that put me off this book first of all was the almost gormless tone. This is my second self-help style book in a row now and this one was a particularly poor example of the genre. The problem here was that she has a Ph.D. – so, I wasn’t expecting this to be quite so simpleminded, in fact, I was expecting quite another kind of book here. A bit like you might feel if you read ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ thinking, well, the author’s called Dr…
This is one of those books based around the telling of an endless series of feel-good stories of children who have overcome remarkable hurdles or been little shits, but then saw the errors of their way, or who do something heart-warming in a room full of adults who then find that they are unable to hold back the tears, so proud and moved and overwhelmed are they… You get the style. Ironically enough, this sort of thing drains my soul of every last drop of empathy – weird, I know.
My disgust peaked with the idea of a family meeting (make it fun, have pizza) where everyone sits around and discusses their core family values and then develops this into a values statement or mantra, that can be, just as one family did, hung on their refrigerator, “where it’s remained for twenty-five years.” Having spent far too many team meetings doing this crap, the idea of creating ‘our family mission statement and KPIs’ – almost reduced me to violence.
Look, empathy is a very important skill to have, and this book suggests that empathy is something that is basically in freefall in the US. I suspect, like so much else in this book, that this is nonsense, and I particularly think that when she says things like, “One study showed youth bullying increased a whopping 52 percent in just four years (2003 to 2007)”. Beware statistics, particularly ones that seems remarkably ‘accurate’ – I don’t quite know how you go about measuring bullying, but surely whatever measuring stick you might use simply can’t be accurate enough to mark off down to 52%. And this was immediately after she told us narcissism had increased by 58% and on the next page of the 72% of Americans who say moral values are ‘getting worse’ – presumably they are referring of the lax moral values of the other 28%...
The problem is that I want to agree with this woman in quite a few places – but she makes it so incredibly difficult for me. Firstly, we need a reason for this precipitous decline in the moral and empathetic nature of the American public/young people. And that she finds is all too obvious – something they have now that we didn’t have back in the halcyon days when everyone was incredibly moral and even righteous. And that mystery element is the mobile devices. Mobiles are rewiring children’s brains so that they are selfish, self-obsessed and self-destructive.
I understand that there are many bad things about mobile devices – but these are communications devices, so, to claim that they stop people communicating is a bit of a stretch. I just can’t accept that they are completely evil and the cause of all social ills. I think she really needs to consider the growing individualisation of our societies – but that is hardly something she can do, because ultimately, this is a book about individuals.
For a book about empathy, it is remarkably how this is almost entirely centred on the individual. There is only one story told in this that I can think of that involved groups of people – a camp where the children were divided into two groups. Mostly, if there is a group of people elsewhere in the book, they are responding to the wonderful idea of some single kid who had the brains, or the courage, or the good taste, or the empathy, to do something that changed the world. And good on them – there should be more of it – more strength to their elbow. But what is never discussed is how groups of people come together without such a ‘leader’ and actively work together to change something. Together is the key word here. This is a book on empathy, and nearly every example is some single person affecting change – never together. This book is set in America – the world’s second most religious nation after Iran, by all accounts (I more or less made that up) – and yet she doesn’t even talk about churches working together to bring about change. This is a book about empathy and it is a book about leaders and followers. All of which strikes me as a very American form of empathy.
One of the examples that particularly got up my nose was her discussion of a boy called Trevor who set up a campaign to help the homeless. Now, this is a really good thing to do, nothing highlights the gross social inequities in our societies quite as starkly as homelessness. It is an appalling indictment and any action to alleviate the suffering of the homeless is an act of kindness, something that should be praised. But the bit that got up my nose was this:
“Two years later, the thirteen-year-old was spearheading a 250-person operation that brought food and blankets to the homeless. President Ronald Reagan introduced him to millions during his State of the Union address and described Trevor and those like him as “heroes of our hearts . . . the living spirit of brotherly love.”
Homelessness is a social issue and it ought to be addressed socially, and as such it is a political issue, one caused by how we decide to allocate scarce resources in our economic system – and as such it ought to be addressed by governments, not by children. That Reagan did much to cut welfare programs ought to have disqualified him from praising the compassion of others – but that’s the point, you see. The point is to make these issues matters of individual charity, rather than of welfare – and of charity that is individually based (certainly not collectively based) and never something that is run by citizens. This book presents instance after instance of individuals doing things – never citizens coming together and acting together and changing things forever through their collective action upon their elected representatives. Rosa Parks is discussed - the Civil Rights Marches, not. Empathy isn’t only something individuals have or do, it is something that can be done by organisations, nations, groups. By always individualising empathy this book is supporting one of the problems that helps produce the empathy gap in the first place. Empathy grows by human interaction – and that interaction requires community, something else she hardly ever mentions.
I am going to end with one more thing that really annoyed me – she would repeatedly talk about ‘your child’and then she would invariably refer to that child as ‘him’. For example: “Self-regulation will help your child learn to manage strong emotions and reduce personal distress so he (sic) can help others.” Really? Using the masculine pronoun as the universal? And she is going to tell me about empathy? Dear god.
October 15, 2016
While I wholeheartedly agree with the concept of raising children to be empathetic, and do so with my own child, I found this book to be weighted down with lists, acronyms, and various things for parents to remember and do. So much so that it is impractical for most parents to even attempt to implement. One acronym list is enough, not one for every chapter. More editing in terms of "takeaways" is necessary for this book to be at all practical for parents.
Many of the points are spot on and based on solid research, but at the same time some are imbalanced and don't look at other views, and don't elaborate on the pool of various study participants. For example, there was no discussion of children/people who are highly sensitive and therefore empathetic by nature...who can have a tendency to think so much about others that they lie awake at night worrying with the world on their shoulders and may feel the feelings of those around them wherever they go. Those child still need to learn how to recognize feelings, express compassion, etc., but also while having boundaries. So yes, empathy is vital, but how a family instills it in their children may look a bit different (and may differ among siblings as well).
Overall, the book may be worth reading for the research and anecdotes, perhaps for some ideas, but I think it may overwhelm most parents who are already harried trying to follow "all the ways" we're supposed to raise their children to be successful, loving human beings.
Many of the points are spot on and based on solid research, but at the same time some are imbalanced and don't look at other views, and don't elaborate on the pool of various study participants. For example, there was no discussion of children/people who are highly sensitive and therefore empathetic by nature...who can have a tendency to think so much about others that they lie awake at night worrying with the world on their shoulders and may feel the feelings of those around them wherever they go. Those child still need to learn how to recognize feelings, express compassion, etc., but also while having boundaries. So yes, empathy is vital, but how a family instills it in their children may look a bit different (and may differ among siblings as well).
Overall, the book may be worth reading for the research and anecdotes, perhaps for some ideas, but I think it may overwhelm most parents who are already harried trying to follow "all the ways" we're supposed to raise their children to be successful, loving human beings.
February 8, 2017
Audiobook. I almost gave up on it after the intro thinking this was one of those "here is how to make your kids better than other people's kids" books targeted at the type A crowd (and I almost gave up on it later when she mentioned being on Dr Phil :) ). But I was more than pleasantly surprised by the content.
The premise is that teaching empathy (and self-regulation and resilience) to your kids is more beneficial to their happiness, success and well-being than achievements. She gives lots of examples, mentioning different studies. But what floored me was when she went through the examples of kids helping others to show what is possible, and the examples of kids having bad home lives and being bullied. It really spoke to me and brought me back to my own unresolved feelings of being a kid.
Right away it talked about Roots of Empathy which my son got to experience at his school last year. Throughout the book it was great to be introduced to concepts that schools are using to combat bullying. With the advent of cyber bullying I feel that it is a more dangerous problem than ever, and I was happy to hear the examples of students who took the initiative to show bullies that their behaviour won't be tolerated.
One of the only problems I had with the book is there's just too much good information in it! I found myself jotting notes on my phone of things I wanted to try. There's a goldmine of recommended books and movies as well for all different age ranges.
The chapter on disciplining your child was excellent, and hopefully life changing. Physical discipline, yelling, timeouts, rewards, taking away items... all of it leads to bad results that weaken the parent-child bond. The recommended approach is induction discipline to help build your child's empathy and self-regulation without undermining your authority and their resilience (which causes the The Collapse of Parenting.
But the best way to teach anything to your child is to live it yourself and be the example, and as I was reading the book there were so many things I wanted to change in myself. Empathy is something I had buried and replaced with cynicism at some point in my life. Several of the books on meditation I'd read had mentioned that meditation can increase empathy and compassion (10% Happier), and as I was reading Unselfie I also finally got into the habit of having a daily meditation.
So yeah, this was a great book. I can't recommend it enough. It was a tear jerker at spots, in a good way that made you feel so sad but also so hopeful for the goodness in people. My grinch heart went up at least one size.
I could see myself revisiting it again in the future because there's no way I got everything I can out of it.
The premise is that teaching empathy (and self-regulation and resilience) to your kids is more beneficial to their happiness, success and well-being than achievements. She gives lots of examples, mentioning different studies. But what floored me was when she went through the examples of kids helping others to show what is possible, and the examples of kids having bad home lives and being bullied. It really spoke to me and brought me back to my own unresolved feelings of being a kid.
Right away it talked about Roots of Empathy which my son got to experience at his school last year. Throughout the book it was great to be introduced to concepts that schools are using to combat bullying. With the advent of cyber bullying I feel that it is a more dangerous problem than ever, and I was happy to hear the examples of students who took the initiative to show bullies that their behaviour won't be tolerated.
One of the only problems I had with the book is there's just too much good information in it! I found myself jotting notes on my phone of things I wanted to try. There's a goldmine of recommended books and movies as well for all different age ranges.
The chapter on disciplining your child was excellent, and hopefully life changing. Physical discipline, yelling, timeouts, rewards, taking away items... all of it leads to bad results that weaken the parent-child bond. The recommended approach is induction discipline to help build your child's empathy and self-regulation without undermining your authority and their resilience (which causes the The Collapse of Parenting.
from: http://www.projectlearnet.org/tutoria...
Inductive Discipline Orientation: The term “inductive discipline” is commonly used by psychologists to refer to the most effective type of parental or adult discipline of children. Inductive or positive discipline is designed to avoid power battles, arbitrary use of parental authority, and other forms of negative interaction around discipline. This approach to discipline is often associated with “authoritative parenting”, which is the positive middle ground between extreme permissiveness, on one side, and extreme arbitrariness or “authoritarian parenting” on the other.
“Authoritative” parents maintain their proper role as their child’s authority figure, but also discuss and negotiate with their children and turn over decision making to children when it is proper to do so. When children behave in ways that are considered positive, they receive positive reinforcement and the reason for the reinforcement is clearly explained. For example, “John, You’ve done a great job of keeping your room neat and your things in order. That means that I don’t have to nag or spend time cleaning up after you. That saves me time, so we can go to the ball game this weekend.” Or in the case of negative behavior: “John, your room is a mess after you told me you would clean it up. Now we’re both going to have to spend extra time getting your room ready for guests... so we won’t be able to go to the ball game. That’s what happens when you don’t do the little things that you promise to do.”
Parents who use inductive or positive discipline also listen to their children and invite them to explain why they did what they did. Discussion is frequent. Parents are understanding, but also consistent in their enforcement of the important rules of the house.
Because of the clear explanations, children come to understand that there are clear rules for them to follow, good reasons for the rules, and natural and logical consequences that follow behavior that is consistent with the rules and or that is in violation of the rules. When homes are organized around inductive or positive discipline – with more positive reinforcement than punishment – children recognize the orderly organization of life around them and develop better self-regulation than children who live in any of the following three types of homes. Children who are raised in these homes tend to have better self-regulation later in childhood and adolescence than children whose parents rely on less positive styles of parenting. In effect, children “internalize” reasonable rules of conduct and their rationale – and come to use these principles as their own decision-making system. Children develop positive self-regulation in part because they have lived in a world that is organized and predictable, including well understood rules of conduct
But the best way to teach anything to your child is to live it yourself and be the example, and as I was reading the book there were so many things I wanted to change in myself. Empathy is something I had buried and replaced with cynicism at some point in my life. Several of the books on meditation I'd read had mentioned that meditation can increase empathy and compassion (10% Happier), and as I was reading Unselfie I also finally got into the habit of having a daily meditation.
So yeah, this was a great book. I can't recommend it enough. It was a tear jerker at spots, in a good way that made you feel so sad but also so hopeful for the goodness in people. My grinch heart went up at least one size.
I could see myself revisiting it again in the future because there's no way I got everything I can out of it.
August 16, 2017
The trouble with a book like this is that the audience isn't likely to be parents who aren't already trying to raise empathetic kids. No parent who lets social media and TV raise their kid and doesn't care what their kid hears and witnesses is gonna pick this up and say "this looks like a good read."
I found myself skimming quite a lot of this book because so much of it was common sense. Ask the child how they think their friend feels? Yeah. There were a few fun suggestions but way too many acronyms - no adult could remember and live by all that, let alone a child.
So it's an important idea and a look at just how important empathy is and how it's almost becoming a lost art. Just kind of preaching to the choir.
I found myself skimming quite a lot of this book because so much of it was common sense. Ask the child how they think their friend feels? Yeah. There were a few fun suggestions but way too many acronyms - no adult could remember and live by all that, let alone a child.
So it's an important idea and a look at just how important empathy is and how it's almost becoming a lost art. Just kind of preaching to the choir.
January 9, 2019
I’m not saying empathy isn’t important, I just didn’t like the book.
A few of thing things that really bothered me:
The author seemed to think empathy was the ONLY important thing, but also didn’t spend a lot of time on using empathy as a conflict resolution, ie, seeing things from another’s perspective *when you have already developed an opinion*. She talks about standing your ground when you disagree, but that’s not empathy. That’s an element of self confidence.
So many acronyms. A life time of teaching and counseling have led her develop an acronym for everything. It’s probably very useful in single-focused lessons and counseling sessions, but all of them in one book just felt like they were EVERYWHERE.
Recess. Directly after praising a school who regiments recess to 4 activities in which there are assigned leaders (sometimes teachers, sometimes trained students) she says kids don’t get enough unstructured free play. Seriously, it couldn’t have been more than 2 pages later.
So many conflict-resolution techniques and bullying-disruption ideas were about reporting it to a teacher or reminding the offender of outside consequences. Is there a time to report? Absolutely. Is that threat usually enough to stop a bully on a power trip? Nope.
She rarely discussed the set up of the studies she cites. I am no great scientist, but I understand enough to know that self-reported data is the least reliable, and a lot of studies in the social sciences have a hard time accounting for confounding variables.
And example: kids say they prefer to text rather than talk. That terrible, right? Well, maybe because texting gives them a chance to think about what the other person said and put together a response. There are certainly weakness in text communication, but it has its strengths.
There are more in my reading history, but those are the ones that spring to mind right now. Empathy is important, but it is one aspect of our personalities. I know people who do SO empathetic that they have a hard time asserting their own needs, or get overwhelmed by needs easily. It has to be balanced with some element of self-care.
At the end of the book is a summary of the 9 points. I think you could get just as much for reading those, without the anecdotes.
A few of thing things that really bothered me:
The author seemed to think empathy was the ONLY important thing, but also didn’t spend a lot of time on using empathy as a conflict resolution, ie, seeing things from another’s perspective *when you have already developed an opinion*. She talks about standing your ground when you disagree, but that’s not empathy. That’s an element of self confidence.
So many acronyms. A life time of teaching and counseling have led her develop an acronym for everything. It’s probably very useful in single-focused lessons and counseling sessions, but all of them in one book just felt like they were EVERYWHERE.
Recess. Directly after praising a school who regiments recess to 4 activities in which there are assigned leaders (sometimes teachers, sometimes trained students) she says kids don’t get enough unstructured free play. Seriously, it couldn’t have been more than 2 pages later.
So many conflict-resolution techniques and bullying-disruption ideas were about reporting it to a teacher or reminding the offender of outside consequences. Is there a time to report? Absolutely. Is that threat usually enough to stop a bully on a power trip? Nope.
She rarely discussed the set up of the studies she cites. I am no great scientist, but I understand enough to know that self-reported data is the least reliable, and a lot of studies in the social sciences have a hard time accounting for confounding variables.
And example: kids say they prefer to text rather than talk. That terrible, right? Well, maybe because texting gives them a chance to think about what the other person said and put together a response. There are certainly weakness in text communication, but it has its strengths.
There are more in my reading history, but those are the ones that spring to mind right now. Empathy is important, but it is one aspect of our personalities. I know people who do SO empathetic that they have a hard time asserting their own needs, or get overwhelmed by needs easily. It has to be balanced with some element of self-care.
At the end of the book is a summary of the 9 points. I think you could get just as much for reading those, without the anecdotes.
May 21, 2019
Easy to implement strategies..I enjoyed this read. Will definitely be utilizing strategies both at school and at home with my own kids.
August 21, 2018
Quoting Kara - a goodread reviewer- "I had really high expectations for this book, and it just did not deliver. It was an alphabet soup of acronyms, lists, and tips. The book is anchored around nine habits, but I couldn't even tell you want any of the nine are because each chapter included multiple lists and tips." So for an acronym heavy book here is mine - DON'T READ IT. Actually, that doesn't stand for anything - that's just my final thought with this book. So so so repetitive and statistics that were questionable at best. Woof. And that is, apparently, me being un-empathetic.
September 18, 2017
Michele Borba writes an amazing book that outlines a nine step program to help parents, and teachers, raise empathetic humans. A great read with strategies to help you tap into the empathy of your kids.
I really liked this book, and found some great strategies and stories to use with both my son and my students. if you are interested in social sciences or the psychology of kids, read this book.
I really liked this book, and found some great strategies and stories to use with both my son and my students. if you are interested in social sciences or the psychology of kids, read this book.
February 13, 2022
This was excellent! It wasn't too technical or clinical as to make it a slog. It was well cited with research. At each chapters end there were specific, practical ideas and practices to aid kids in learning the chapter contents. There are a plethora of great ideas to help kids cultivate kindness, courage, compassion, empathy, etc.
November 10, 2018
More of a “how to teach your kids to be more empathetic” book, but incredibly interesting nonetheless. Interesting, and depressing studies, statistics and commentary on the “me” society of today’s world. I would say this is a must read for everyone.
July 14, 2016
I did not finish this book. I was totally on-board with everything said in it... until the feminist author started in on blaming "violent video games" for the decline of empathy in society. I'm sorry, but we had video games starting in the late 20th century that depicted violence graphically. What did we have before that? WORLD WAR II. Oh, and a slew of other wars where actual people died. Nope, no empathy problem there. It was only after the invention of the Playstation that led to everyday violence (Watts riots, Salem Witch Trials, Auchwitz, The Cambodian Killing Fields, the Gulag...) I gave this title one more star than it really deserves because it teaches people to be aware and mindful of others' feelings. But there are few legitimate studies that demonstrate any remote connection to exposure to video game violence and real-world violence. And the only reason any of those studies are taken seriously is because people still want to believe that men (and boys) are less capable of empathy than girls and women. Female good; male bad. Nope. Not falling for that strychnine-laced popsickle again.
February 4, 2017
This is a must-read parenting book; we live in a world where kindness and empathy are under-valued and yet desperately needed. The author makes a clear case for why kindness is not only the right thing to teach kids, but also positively impacts all areas of their lives, including both happiness and success. But the best part is that she gives specific, concrete strategies for practicing kindness and empathy with your kids and integrating them into your family's life. Unlike many parenting books, which I read and set aside, this is one I know I will return and really use. The reason I gave it 4 stars instead of 5-- I wish she had included a chapter on "troubleshooting-- specific suggestions on what to do if you feel some of her practices aren't working. But mostly a truly excellent book.
December 15, 2017
I am not sure there's anything new here. I know we're all in freakout mode about selfies and technology, but the advice in here is pretty ancient: teach your kids empathy and how to not be a-holes. There were some good hints in there about helping kids label emotions, but I believe most parents are already aware of how to make their kids kind. The problem is that maybe some parents don't aim to make their kids kind, but make them winners. That too is an ancient decision.
June 28, 2016
Powerful must-read for parents and educators...
March 23, 2020
I appreciate the general concept of a parenting book about teaching children empathy. Empathy is definitely one of the fundamental values in our home. My only complaints were that 1) I don't like the entire concept of discussing it in terms of giving your children some advantage in the marketplace. Admittedly the author didn't spend too much time on this so I suspect it was an editorial marketing suggestion? Complaint 2) The chapter attacking millennials. I'm Generation X but I know more Boomer narcissists than Millennial narcissists. Literally the whole point of those "participation trophies" were to not hurt kids' feelings. Teachers that taught my generation (Boomers and Silent Generation) were known for joining the bullies in their teasing. Not to mention the whole destroying the environment for future generations thing.
February 13, 2021
3.5 stars
This was really good and I think it has some great messages about how to help our kids (and ourselves) be more empathetic. I liked the age appropriate suggestions at the end of every chapter about how to implement the particular skill. I think I'm just feeling a little parent overwhelm about all the things I "should" be doing right now for my kids and that's why I didn't rate it higher.
Content: clean
This was really good and I think it has some great messages about how to help our kids (and ourselves) be more empathetic. I liked the age appropriate suggestions at the end of every chapter about how to implement the particular skill. I think I'm just feeling a little parent overwhelm about all the things I "should" be doing right now for my kids and that's why I didn't rate it higher.
Content: clean
June 22, 2019
I enjoyed it, but quick read it was NOT. I enjoyed the many anecdotal messages of empathy the author encountered around the world. Grabbed some ideas for my own classroom on cultivating a culture of empathy. I would love to do a bookclub with parents in our community with this book. The hook: Are you concerned with bullying in our schools? Would you like to see change? 😬
December 21, 2019
Whether your circle of influence with children is at home or in the classroom, this book is a must read for anyone with children in their life. Dr. Borba unpacks the brain science behind empathy, explains the empathy gap, and dispels our fears by reigniting hope through practical action steps of how to movie from a “me” to “we” mindset.
July 23, 2023
So many great ideas for helping children develop empathy. I loved this book! I took lots of notes, and I plan to read it again next year.
June 16, 2016
Parenting expert and educational psychologist Dr. Michele Borba released a new book last week. This by itself isn’t newsworthy (she has, after all, published roughly a book a year for the last quarter of a century). But this latest contribution has the potential to have a significant impact on parents and their children.
I’ve followed Dr. Borba’s contributions over the last several years and find her to be a caring and committed commentator on all things parenting. She doesn’t purport to be omniscient about everything parents might confront, but she is connected to those who have deep knowledge in a variety of areas. And she is a voracious learner. She takes the time to interview specialists, to speak with researchers and scour academic journals, to visit treatment program sites, and to interact with parents and children. Dr. Borba’s gift is being able to take in these varied perspectives, reflect thoughtfully, and distill them into bite-sized bits of wisdom that parents and others can understand and incorporate into their daily activities.
In this most recent book, “UnSelfie: Why Empathic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World,” Dr. Borba argues that empathy-building is the key to raising kids who can rise above the problem behavior producing situations they might find themselves in. As someone who studies teen technology use and misuse, I know well how problems can develop in online environments. Many of these can be prevented–or at least curtailed–if teens possess empathy. I downloaded the audiobook version of this text (since most of my “reading” these days is done while driving or mowing my lawn). It was nice to hear directly from Dr. Borba’s as she read the introduction.
Dr. Borba makes a strong, research-supported case for the power of empathy. Early in the book she refers to several studies that clearly demonstrate that empathetic youth do better in interpersonal contexts and are less likely to resort to hurtful behaviors. But more than that, she offers numerous practical strategies that parents and educators can employ to teach empathy and self-regulation, as well as to promote collaboration and kindness. For example, parents can help their children take the perspective of others during a disagreement. Or teachers can have students literally step in the shoes of someone else to get a sense of what it might be like to be them. Sometimes simply stopping to breathe deeply is all that is necessary for worked-up kids to cooldown. Popular books and movies can also be useful, if parents take the time to consider scenes that can be discussed during or immediately upon completion. In short, all adults who work with youth should model empathy every day and can capitalize on situations that come up to demonstrate appreciation and care for others.
The emphasis on teaching children to be kind to others resonates with our work to prevent and respond to online harassment. There are dozens of examples of teens using technology to counter cruelty in their communities, and these stories need to be championed! Too much focus in the media is placed on the bad decisions of a few, instead of highlighting the good behaviors of the majority. Showing our children the kind acts of others can encourage them to think about creative ways to show care and concern.
Read this book! (Or listen to it like I did.) As a parent of a 6-year old, I listened to this book with bated breath. I picked up numerous tricks and tips to add to my parenting tool belt. In this brief review I’ve only scratched the surface of all the wonderful insight this book has to offer. If you are like me you will find yourself frequently nodding your head in agreement and regularly mumbling “that is so true” to no one in particular. Despite some minor misgivings about her characterization of the scope of some of the problems she seeks to solve, her offered solution is spot-on. Instilling empathy in youth certainly holds much promise in preventing hurtful behaviors in every generation.
I’ve followed Dr. Borba’s contributions over the last several years and find her to be a caring and committed commentator on all things parenting. She doesn’t purport to be omniscient about everything parents might confront, but she is connected to those who have deep knowledge in a variety of areas. And she is a voracious learner. She takes the time to interview specialists, to speak with researchers and scour academic journals, to visit treatment program sites, and to interact with parents and children. Dr. Borba’s gift is being able to take in these varied perspectives, reflect thoughtfully, and distill them into bite-sized bits of wisdom that parents and others can understand and incorporate into their daily activities.
In this most recent book, “UnSelfie: Why Empathic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World,” Dr. Borba argues that empathy-building is the key to raising kids who can rise above the problem behavior producing situations they might find themselves in. As someone who studies teen technology use and misuse, I know well how problems can develop in online environments. Many of these can be prevented–or at least curtailed–if teens possess empathy. I downloaded the audiobook version of this text (since most of my “reading” these days is done while driving or mowing my lawn). It was nice to hear directly from Dr. Borba’s as she read the introduction.
Dr. Borba makes a strong, research-supported case for the power of empathy. Early in the book she refers to several studies that clearly demonstrate that empathetic youth do better in interpersonal contexts and are less likely to resort to hurtful behaviors. But more than that, she offers numerous practical strategies that parents and educators can employ to teach empathy and self-regulation, as well as to promote collaboration and kindness. For example, parents can help their children take the perspective of others during a disagreement. Or teachers can have students literally step in the shoes of someone else to get a sense of what it might be like to be them. Sometimes simply stopping to breathe deeply is all that is necessary for worked-up kids to cooldown. Popular books and movies can also be useful, if parents take the time to consider scenes that can be discussed during or immediately upon completion. In short, all adults who work with youth should model empathy every day and can capitalize on situations that come up to demonstrate appreciation and care for others.
The emphasis on teaching children to be kind to others resonates with our work to prevent and respond to online harassment. There are dozens of examples of teens using technology to counter cruelty in their communities, and these stories need to be championed! Too much focus in the media is placed on the bad decisions of a few, instead of highlighting the good behaviors of the majority. Showing our children the kind acts of others can encourage them to think about creative ways to show care and concern.
Read this book! (Or listen to it like I did.) As a parent of a 6-year old, I listened to this book with bated breath. I picked up numerous tricks and tips to add to my parenting tool belt. In this brief review I’ve only scratched the surface of all the wonderful insight this book has to offer. If you are like me you will find yourself frequently nodding your head in agreement and regularly mumbling “that is so true” to no one in particular. Despite some minor misgivings about her characterization of the scope of some of the problems she seeks to solve, her offered solution is spot-on. Instilling empathy in youth certainly holds much promise in preventing hurtful behaviors in every generation.
March 9, 2017
This book is packed with interesting stats and information on what clearly seems to be a more disconnected culture among our young people and the effects that is having. As electronics replace face-to-face interaction more and more among our young people, the results continue to develop among our kids. Borba focuses particularly on the trait of empathy, why it is vital to society, how the lack of it harms our society at all levels, and how the ability to empathize can help our children thrive throughout their lives. Societies have struggled with empathy far before electronics were ever created--i.e. Nazi Germany--but Borba lays out many ways technology is contributing in particular ways to this issue in our society today. She then lays out extensive ways to build empathy in our children. Some seem so obvious that it makes you sad families aren't already practicing those things. Some I didn't agree with. And they definitely get repetitive--but I think that is because she is trying to give many different helpful tools. I listened to this book in my car. It might have been tough to stick with the print version, but getting a little snippet of helpful conversation topics for my kids and I each time I got in my car helped keep the layering from getting overwhelming. Our San Antonio library has this book available on audiobook.
August 1, 2018
This book has many good ideas about how to help children be empathetic-- maybe too many. It's a little overwhelming and perhaps overly and unneccessarily complicated.
The number of acronyms throughout practically drove me crazy. Each time I saw another, I felt strangely compelled to try to remember and then slight disappointment in myself when I realized there was no way they would stick. After a while, I felt annoyed every time she listed another. Eventually, I began ignoring them and tried to focus on the ideas. It would have been much more powerful to limit the acronyms.
Even so, I found myself wishing I'd read this before I had children. I wish I had tried harder to teach my children to be more caring and helpful. I wondered if I was wasting my time reading this because I wondered if it's too late for me and mine. But the more I read, the more I realize that some of her ideas can help increase empathy in just about everyone. I like the idea that empathy is something that can be learned, developed, and grown in an individual.
It is easy to isolate oneself and to be selfish, self-centered, and self-protective. We'd all be better off if we cared about other people a little more. This book helps. At times I felt the need to speed read it in order to keep myself interested, but I learned some things and I'm glad I read it.
The number of acronyms throughout practically drove me crazy. Each time I saw another, I felt strangely compelled to try to remember and then slight disappointment in myself when I realized there was no way they would stick. After a while, I felt annoyed every time she listed another. Eventually, I began ignoring them and tried to focus on the ideas. It would have been much more powerful to limit the acronyms.
Even so, I found myself wishing I'd read this before I had children. I wish I had tried harder to teach my children to be more caring and helpful. I wondered if I was wasting my time reading this because I wondered if it's too late for me and mine. But the more I read, the more I realize that some of her ideas can help increase empathy in just about everyone. I like the idea that empathy is something that can be learned, developed, and grown in an individual.
It is easy to isolate oneself and to be selfish, self-centered, and self-protective. We'd all be better off if we cared about other people a little more. This book helps. At times I felt the need to speed read it in order to keep myself interested, but I learned some things and I'm glad I read it.
January 3, 2020
The author fails to clearly define what narcissism is and what it is not. When she cites research she does not explain how each of those studies defines narcissism. She states that one study proves that narcissism is rising because more subjects answered affirmatively to the questions such as “do you like yourself”. This is such a convoluted idea of what narcissism which doesn’t take into consideration the subjects who simply have a healthy sense of self worth vs those who over value themselves.
She goes on rants about how we over praise children just for trying instead of for their results (winning, ace-ing the test ect). This is actually the opposite of what is creating narcissism. When children learn that everyone has value for their effort and that their is value simply in building community/ connection amongst their peers they are LESS likely to be self centered. When children are only praised for their external results they learn they have to earn praise and adoration from parents/ peers. They in turn demand perfection from peers in return for love.
Listening to this book get this wrong over and over again was infuriating.
She goes on rants about how we over praise children just for trying instead of for their results (winning, ace-ing the test ect). This is actually the opposite of what is creating narcissism. When children learn that everyone has value for their effort and that their is value simply in building community/ connection amongst their peers they are LESS likely to be self centered. When children are only praised for their external results they learn they have to earn praise and adoration from parents/ peers. They in turn demand perfection from peers in return for love.
Listening to this book get this wrong over and over again was infuriating.
May 19, 2018
I had really high expectations for this book, and it just did not deliver. It was an alphabet soup of acronyms, lists, and tips. The book is anchored around nine habits, but I couldn't even tell you want any of the nine are because each chapter included multiple lists and tips. I was hoping this book would have practical tips to implement or use to instill empathy in my children, but as one other reviewer noted, this book would be impossible to implement as written. That said there were a handful of examples or programs others have implemented whether in school systems or within their families that were interesting. Either this books should have been a long essay/article or should have been edited much, much more.
March 30, 2022
[UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World - Michele Borba]
Rating: 5.00/5.00
Let's be frank here. I wish I could have read this book when I was younger. As an empathetic individual, I can relate to all the details listed in this book. Besides this, I have obtained new insights on how I can enhance my empathy and teach my future children about the importance of this trait. Another reason behind my love for Unselfie is that the author uses Cambodia as a reference numerous times. This fact has allowed me to absorb all the knowledge comprehensively.
I highly recommend everyone to read this book, especially young children and parents. It is definitely worth that 5 out of 5 stars rating.
#unselfie #micheleborba #bookreview #empathy
Rating: 5.00/5.00
Let's be frank here. I wish I could have read this book when I was younger. As an empathetic individual, I can relate to all the details listed in this book. Besides this, I have obtained new insights on how I can enhance my empathy and teach my future children about the importance of this trait. Another reason behind my love for Unselfie is that the author uses Cambodia as a reference numerous times. This fact has allowed me to absorb all the knowledge comprehensively.
I highly recommend everyone to read this book, especially young children and parents. It is definitely worth that 5 out of 5 stars rating.
#unselfie #micheleborba #bookreview #empathy
June 19, 2018
While nothing about this book is revolutionary to me as an elementary school counselor, I'm extremely glad that this book exists and is geared toward parents. The one caveat about that though, is that I fear that the book is preaching to the choir, and that the people who are reading it are already attuned to the need for empathy in our children. Regardless, I definitely added a number of tools that I can use in my practice, as well as with families, and am excited to see how I can integrate some additional strategies. And call it tooting my own horn, but I'm also pretty glad to hear that I already do a lot of things that the book suggests!
July 25, 2018
Biggest take-away was that empathy can be learned and strengthened...you know this intellectually but the book really drives it home. There's plenty of examples on how to do this throughout, so many, in fact, that it's a bit overwhelming. The author has great stories interspersed but with so many acronyms and examples it's hard to sort through what to do. I think I'd need to read through it again and use it as a reference. A lot of the acronym examples for teaching/surviving stress/learning empathy would probably be great taught in a workshop or classroom setting.
February 5, 2017
I really love the fact that this book focuses on empathy and I agree with the author that this skill is lacking among children today. However, I thought that a lot of what she had to say was common sense, and she made a lot of her recommendations more complicated than they needed to be by turning them into acronyms. I could see people giving up on reading this book and that's unfortunate because the subject matter is so important.
February 2, 2017
It's sad that a book like this would have to be written. It's infinitely sadder that there are certainly a large number of parents who will read this book and say, "aha!" While there were some good pieces of advice within these pages, I found more "duh" moments than "aha" moments, but perhaps I'm too old to truly understand the selfie generation. They were coming of age while I was busy raising an empathetic family (or at least trying to).
August 24, 2017
This highly readable, hand-on practical treatise on how to develop empathy in children is a must read for parents and teachers alike. While it went on a bit too long and there was some repetition, the lists of anecdotes, activities and advice are well worth the price of the paperback. Mine is full of underlines and highlights, and I feel armed with plenty of advisory ideas to start the school year.
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