The Narc Decoder: Understanding the Language of the Narcissist

by Tina Swithin

Divorcing a narcissist? You are probably left feeling baffled and shaken by the communication that you receive from the narcissist. In my mid-twenties, I contemplated learning multiple foreign languages. I envisioned dabbling in French to successfully make my way around Paris or Irish Gaelic to explore the rich history of Ireland along with my deep ancestral roots in that country. My day dreams about learning new languages always went hand in hand with the imagery of world travel. The thought of exploring exotic and old world places far away from home intrigued me. My mind summoned several foreign adventures, but never did I think I would need to learn a foreign language to navigate my own life. In 2008, I heard the words, "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" (NPD) to describe my then-husband, Seth. It took a couple years for the reality of those three little words to really sink in. Looking back, the red flags had been waving in the wind since our very first date. Those flags grew taller and more vibrant in color during our marriage. As it turns out, those same red flags that had been lining my path for years were dipped in a highly flammable mixture of kerosene. I realized the danger only when they exploded near the end of my marriage. Like any unexpected explosion, I was unprepared and left nursing deep, emotional, third-degree burns. In my research, I discovered a new language which took quite a bit of studying and insight on NPD to understand. As it turns out, the reason that I was so bewildered by Seth's communication style was that we were speaking completely different languages. I spoke the English version of "human" while he was speaking the non-human "Narc-ish." I am convinced there is a Narc-ish dictionary or manual hidden deep in a dark, musty hole somewhere in a faraway land with step-by-step instructions on how to inflict fear, confusion and despair. From this land, narcissists hail. Their secret language can only be decoded by those who aren't fooled by the narcissist's stealth ability to inflict confusion and chaos with it. My computer has a feature that allows me to translate most languages. However, this particular area of my life requires technology that is a bit savvier. Need is the catalyst of industry: and I was in need of a device to decipher Narc-ish. So, I invented one. I call it the "Narc Decoder" and have made life-altering good use of it. The good news is, everyone has access to the Narc Decoder because it is a machine that I am honored to replicate and share with anyone who is forced to communicate with a narcissist. Once you understand how to use the Narc Decoder, your life will change for the better. You will become empowered and will regain your voice. Over time, you will begin to find humor in the communication style that once left you on your knees begging for mercy.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships

152 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2016

Reviews

[atom_box Evan G · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an easy guide, sort of like a merit badge pamphlet would be if Scouting had a Narcissist merit badge.

There's 20 pages of clinical description. And then the remainder of the book is a fun (in a dark comic way) series of rehearsal exercises. If a narc says ABC what they really mean is XYZ.

In many cases the narcissist language is an inside out revealing of their own personality.

[Fiona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading Tina's experiences and her interpretation of her NEX's communications is a great reminder to not take your NEX's communications personally. After reading The Narc Decoder you will be able to read abusive emails received and understand the undertones, deflection, mirroring, etc & work out what needs responding to & how & what you can ignore (probably about 90% of them!).

[Myrna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had expected this to be more of a step-by-step how to manual; instead, Swithin provides many examples of emails she received from her ex, as well as a few emails others have received from their ex Narcs, and then provides her re-written version/interpretation. After I got over my initial disappointment, I came to realize that this methodology will probably work just as well. Also note that this book is only 152 pages; it is about the size of a novella. I expected something bigger for the amount that I paid on Amazon.

[Bethany]

This was a kinda helpful, but mostly stressful, book. Too soon?
I understand the reasons why (long, feel, ruinous hurt), but I found it to be dripping with sarcasm and arrogance and I wish it had gotten the same info across without being quite so antagonistic (but then again, that’s probably what makes it, for most, a likable read.)

[Liss · Rating 1 out of 5]

Focus is on husband/wife relationship which was unfortunate. Mostly emails and stories of communications between co parenting between narc and victim. Not really helpful unless that’s exactly your situation…

[Kathryn Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential resource if you're divorcing-- or considering divorcing-- a narcissist!

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved the humor put into this serious subject

[Jerome Bushnell · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars. Some helpful information, but really just a collection of emails that highlights men as narcissists and women as victims. Somewhat humorous, but not enough for me to recommend.

[Lex · Rating 1 out of 5]

had some good insights but this is mostly hyper-specific to the author's personal situation. I did not find this very helpful overall and it was extremely repetitive.

[KATHY · Rating 3 out of 5]

Focuses on co-parenting with a narc ex, but had helpful insight.

[Nic · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to this audiobook as part of some research I am doing, rather than for personal reasons.

As it was written from personal experience and included real life examples it was certainly enlightening and, at times, frightening. The lengths to which the author's ex-husband would go to maintain control / narcissistic supply were remarkable, particularly his willingness to use his children regardless of the impact it may have on them. Some of his actions were almost unbelievably extreme, but it was the more subtle ones that I find most scary.
This kind of behaviour is so insidious and destructive, and this book is a good resource for getting to know the signs so that it can be curbed before it goes too far (ie, if a possible partner, or even a friend, begins to exhibit similar behaviour, run away, as fast and as far as possible!)

If I had read this rather than listened, I may have scored it a full 5 stars, because I could have skipped over the repetition caused by the style applied to each of the author's anecdotes, which became distracting on the audio version.

[Shauna · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent resource for those going through divorce with a narcissist. Tina had me laughing out loud at some of her translations of the Narc-ish language. She is spot on in translating their erratic, crazy making words. It's so easy to get caught up in the narcissist words. By reading this book I was reminded it's ok for me to have boundaries. And it's because I am a good, kind, loving person, that I am fighting for the safety of my children. Now every time I get a crazy email I will run it through the narc decoder and hopefully find a little humor in this crazy fight. Thank you Tina for writing another winner!

[Astrid Miles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the idea of handling a narcissist with humor. Thank you for writing such an excellent book.