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Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me: A Guide to Living with Impeccable Grace and Style
Lucia van der Post has dispensed advice on style and living for more than three decades. Her subtlety, taste, common sense, confidence, and witty, aphoristic style have garnered her legions of fans, a must-read weekly style column in the Times of London, and a longtime perch at the top of UK lifestyle journalism. Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me—a bestseller in the UK upon publication in fall 2007—is van der Post’s warm, intimate guide to living stylishly through personal elegance, grace, and glamour. Leaving no aspect of a woman’s life unconsidered, the browsable sections include How to Wear Clothes; How to Look Good; How to Work and Have a Life; Love, Marriage and Happiness; Perfect Presents; and Home, Sweet Home.
400 pages, Hardcover
First published November 1, 2007
39 people are currently reading
996 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 71 reviews
October 11, 2011
Cute idea for a book, I am sure that another author could write soemthing touching about the lessons in life that they wish that their mother would have told them.
Unfortunately, this book was incorectly titled. It should be "Things I wish My Mother Had Told Me: Lessons in Snootiness and Snobbery."
Really, this book was a BORE!
Unfortunately, this book was incorectly titled. It should be "Things I wish My Mother Had Told Me: Lessons in Snootiness and Snobbery."
Really, this book was a BORE!
January 4, 2015
Other reviews have stated that this book is written by a snooty rich woman. While there is some truth to these statements it doesn't change the fact that this is a great book. I have read many books on etiquette and grace and this book was by far the best. Unlike the other books I have read, this author focused on more traditional etiquette (the old fashion, high class gracefulness that we see in movies and on television). To be a woman of this type of classiness and grace you do need to care about your looks. Whether we like it or not taking care of your appearance will greatly help you in any social setting (work, friends, dating, etc).
The book talks a lot about how to care for your appearance, proper dress, makeup and even body care for that traditional elegance that many women desire. This may make the author seem 'snooty' but I'm really glad that some author out there took the chance and wrote this book. Not all of us are naturally gifted in fashion, cosmetics or skin/nail/hair care.
I learned a lot from this book. After reading it i decided to go out and treat myself to some nice items. Like the book recommended I went out and found myself an extremely nice bra (I don't normally spend much on undergarments so this was a big deal). I also looked for some elegant jewelry and even treated myself to some silky pajamas.
NOTE: While I enjoyed this book I do not recommend it for anybody with self esteem issues. This is a book for those who are already love themselves and their body but want to polish themselves up a tiny bit to make better impressions in the real word. I, for example, think that developing a sense of class will help me in the professional world.
The book talks a lot about how to care for your appearance, proper dress, makeup and even body care for that traditional elegance that many women desire. This may make the author seem 'snooty' but I'm really glad that some author out there took the chance and wrote this book. Not all of us are naturally gifted in fashion, cosmetics or skin/nail/hair care.
I learned a lot from this book. After reading it i decided to go out and treat myself to some nice items. Like the book recommended I went out and found myself an extremely nice bra (I don't normally spend much on undergarments so this was a big deal). I also looked for some elegant jewelry and even treated myself to some silky pajamas.
NOTE: While I enjoyed this book I do not recommend it for anybody with self esteem issues. This is a book for those who are already love themselves and their body but want to polish themselves up a tiny bit to make better impressions in the real word. I, for example, think that developing a sense of class will help me in the professional world.
February 20, 2020
Done. Finally.
They do have some good tips but it may work better for you if you are living in London, New York or
Paris and want to have a fancy life there.
I m sure Lucia the writer - she is class and could give you more wise advises about life not on just how you are dressing and spending money on gifts.
Still some things to take away here:
- Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Good relationship will have these 3 things: longing for real emotional intimacy, the need for a sense of self - worth, greater possibility of both partners fulfilling their goals of life.
- Don't nag.
- Concentrate on things that you love about the person not the things that drive you mad.
- Manners matter.
- People have needs too not just you.
- Don't harbour regrets or dwell on past hurts.
- Never bring your love ones down in public.
- Friendship always anticipate your friends' needs, never wait until they have to ask. You do things for your friends what you hope they would do for you.
- Try to change different recipes based on the season.
- You can't please all of people all the time.
- The things that you worry about are almost never the things that happen.
- Never go out with a man who does not make you laugh.
- You cannot change most people. Don't expect them to give what they are unable to give.
- Never buy anything because it is bound to come in useful.
They do have some good tips but it may work better for you if you are living in London, New York or
Paris and want to have a fancy life there.
I m sure Lucia the writer - she is class and could give you more wise advises about life not on just how you are dressing and spending money on gifts.
Still some things to take away here:
- Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Good relationship will have these 3 things: longing for real emotional intimacy, the need for a sense of self - worth, greater possibility of both partners fulfilling their goals of life.
- Don't nag.
- Concentrate on things that you love about the person not the things that drive you mad.
- Manners matter.
- People have needs too not just you.
- Don't harbour regrets or dwell on past hurts.
- Never bring your love ones down in public.
- Friendship always anticipate your friends' needs, never wait until they have to ask. You do things for your friends what you hope they would do for you.
- Try to change different recipes based on the season.
- You can't please all of people all the time.
- The things that you worry about are almost never the things that happen.
- Never go out with a man who does not make you laugh.
- You cannot change most people. Don't expect them to give what they are unable to give.
- Never buy anything because it is bound to come in useful.
March 10, 2010
The title had a lot to live up to, and I really wasn't that impressed. A lot of this book talked about specific designers or stores to make her point instead of general ideas. I skipped whole pages sometimes. Especially since this designed for both American and British audiences. I got in on sale, so wasn't out much, but certainly wouldn't have paid full price for this book.
August 28, 2022
While this did have some good advice, it felt too bogged down by snobbery and a patronizing tone.
February 15, 2015
If you judged this book by the cover you'd think it would be full of wise tips that would be useful to you, and you would be wrong about that. The author has quite the snobby tone often mentioning how she always dresses amazingly (strange how her picture is not found by the biography at the end of the book -huh?) and calling people she knows 'fat' 'dull' or even 'ugly'. After getting past a few pages I found this book to be completely unreadable due to her obnoxious tone as well as irrelevant information ( Listing adrssses and phone numbers of stylists and shops in New York and Paris - something that continues through the entire book on nearly every page). I just wonder who owed her a favor at The Boston Globe to write such a false statement as "Van Der Post's advice is funny, helpful, and packed with personality"?
November 19, 2014
This book is a must read for those who think they've got it made.
January 9, 2016
I would not get through this book. It was absolutely terrible. What a snob!
Want to read
November 4, 2024Source: ths in Burwash, Sussex - Furio the Maine Coone
Notes from some of reviews:
- Never go out with a man who does not make you laugh.
I enjoyed the chapters on hosting and homemaking but not much else would be applicable to me. Skipped some parts of the book as a result but will keep it for reference on the chapters that were useful.
while I wouldn't take etiquette lessons from this book, I especially enjoyed the hosting and household parts of the book. I found them interesting
I will say, because of this book, I own fewer but better shoes, fewer but better handbags, fewer but better sunglasses. I buy the best jeans I can afford to suit my figure -- actually that is now pretty true of all my clothes. Immediate gratification in shopping can be a hard habit to overcome, but if you don't love something, don't buy it.
carry yourself with confidence
Sheets can only be white. Do not hesitate to give flowers. Don't be cheap on tips. This and so much more lifestyle advice, a book to be looked through but not read really. However, I don't regret having looked through.
Notes from some of reviews:
- Never go out with a man who does not make you laugh.
I enjoyed the chapters on hosting and homemaking but not much else would be applicable to me. Skipped some parts of the book as a result but will keep it for reference on the chapters that were useful.
while I wouldn't take etiquette lessons from this book, I especially enjoyed the hosting and household parts of the book. I found them interesting
I will say, because of this book, I own fewer but better shoes, fewer but better handbags, fewer but better sunglasses. I buy the best jeans I can afford to suit my figure -- actually that is now pretty true of all my clothes. Immediate gratification in shopping can be a hard habit to overcome, but if you don't love something, don't buy it.
carry yourself with confidence
Sheets can only be white. Do not hesitate to give flowers. Don't be cheap on tips. This and so much more lifestyle advice, a book to be looked through but not read really. However, I don't regret having looked through.
Read
July 24, 2019No stars. I think it's safe to say that I don't wish my mother had told me anything that's in this book.
The author was completely unrelatable and frequently recommends high end shops and boutiques in London and Paris, quoting completely exorbitant prices- £75 face masks, a £2,495 holdall for packing for a yacht trip, £35+ per hour personal assistants and the suggestion of a 'perfect present' of jetting to Venice for a private after-hours tour of St Mark's Basilica, a gondola ride, a serenading by world-class opera singers and dinner prepared by a top Italian chef...from £8,500 per person to name a few! I only persevered because I hate to give up on books, and the suggestions gave me a laugh. At one point, the author complains that no single room in her home is large enough for more than about twenty five people. The last 2 pages of this book, listing 19 bullet points entitled 'Things I wish I'd known long ago', were the only realistic pieces of advice in the whole book!
The author was completely unrelatable and frequently recommends high end shops and boutiques in London and Paris, quoting completely exorbitant prices- £75 face masks, a £2,495 holdall for packing for a yacht trip, £35+ per hour personal assistants and the suggestion of a 'perfect present' of jetting to Venice for a private after-hours tour of St Mark's Basilica, a gondola ride, a serenading by world-class opera singers and dinner prepared by a top Italian chef...from £8,500 per person to name a few! I only persevered because I hate to give up on books, and the suggestions gave me a laugh. At one point, the author complains that no single room in her home is large enough for more than about twenty five people. The last 2 pages of this book, listing 19 bullet points entitled 'Things I wish I'd known long ago', were the only realistic pieces of advice in the whole book!
August 22, 2022
You better know that i created a Goodreads account solely to write my review about this book. As other comments might have said, this book is so ridiculous it baffled me, it seems almost fictional and borderline sexist. I figured that some might enjoy it though, the rich ladies who wish to have a lavish lifestyle full of ridiculous rules to follow. It is such a shame, this book had so much potential to be good, lots of sections had potential to be helpful to young girls and women who wish to be guided, those rules and expectations that speak of changing entirely, from the style that shouldn't be colorful to the way they speak, the way their bodies are shaped. I do understand its purpose to show the ways of "grace" and "style", i do not see however how many aspects of this book may help that. I believe grace isn't just an appearance to achieve, it isn't about how others see us.
June 8, 2023
Not necessarily what I was looking for or particularly good. I picked up the book while on a hunt for etiquette books in which people shared their wisdom. The title is misleading, and because of that, I believe most people who buy it will be disappointed. It is more of a catalogue you use when in need of an address or a recipe (think about it as an annuaire rather than a memoir or a manual).
I don't think it is particularly well-written, and some parts where downright rude to other people. That, I didn't like. However, while I wouldn't take etiquette lessons from this book, I especially enjoyed the hosting and household parts of the book. I found them interesting.
I'll leave my review with a quote I particularly liked : "Only small people get offended".
I don't think it is particularly well-written, and some parts where downright rude to other people. That, I didn't like. However, while I wouldn't take etiquette lessons from this book, I especially enjoyed the hosting and household parts of the book. I found them interesting.
I'll leave my review with a quote I particularly liked : "Only small people get offended".
August 26, 2024
Out of touch for anyone who isn't wealthy--and I mean big bucks wealthy, as in you can swing a 1K appointment for an eyebrow wax and makeup consult in NYC at the drop of a hat.
Also out of touch for anyone larger than size 4, aka most women. Author recalls her mother "always looking like a dream (she never weighed more than a hundred pounds from the day I was born)."
And just as bad is that there is nothing new here. It is the same old advice regurgitated from women's magazines and shelter publications...albeit with a very expensive outlook that prizes thinness above all.
Don't waste your time with this ine.
Also out of touch for anyone larger than size 4, aka most women. Author recalls her mother "always looking like a dream (she never weighed more than a hundred pounds from the day I was born)."
And just as bad is that there is nothing new here. It is the same old advice regurgitated from women's magazines and shelter publications...albeit with a very expensive outlook that prizes thinness above all.
Don't waste your time with this ine.
January 17, 2019
I didn't hate this book as some reviewers did. Nor did I love it as other did. For the most part, I found the advice common-sensical to the point of being rather obvious, or intended for those who can shop above my pay grade. I will say, because of this book, I own fewer but better shoes, fewer but better handbags, fewer but better sunglasses. I buy the best jeans I can afford to suit my figure -- actually that is now pretty true of all my clothes. Immediate gratification in shopping can be a hard habit to overcome, but if you don't love something, don't buy it.
June 27, 2021
Tbh, if you're looking for a book to guide you through styling this one is best but only if you're living around NewYork. It gonna teach you about how to carry yourself with confidence but yet this is not a manual. It can guide you through shops but you gonna need money to buy stuffs. Well, this book was not beneficial for me, so giving it a three star ratings. Hope you think twice before reading it.
But must say there was a quote in the book that gonna linger in my mind for forever,
"Never take offense—only small people take offense. "
But must say there was a quote in the book that gonna linger in my mind for forever,
"Never take offense—only small people take offense. "
August 26, 2024
I guess I’m just not graceful or elegant!
I thought this book would be filled with useful real-world tips written by a mother to young women. I did not read the blurb properly so that is my own fault and not any detriment to the author there.
I think that there are better books out there with ‘lessons’ for young women who did not have a mother figure.
If you wanted a book specifically on grace and elegance, this might suit.
For me, I would rather know other things. Like self-reliance, navigating female health, grief and loss, and building self-worth.
I thought this book would be filled with useful real-world tips written by a mother to young women. I did not read the blurb properly so that is my own fault and not any detriment to the author there.
I think that there are better books out there with ‘lessons’ for young women who did not have a mother figure.
If you wanted a book specifically on grace and elegance, this might suit.
For me, I would rather know other things. Like self-reliance, navigating female health, grief and loss, and building self-worth.
April 3, 2019
It's like trolling Instagram accounts of the people you wish you were, only in a book form. 3 1/2 stars, and I'll probably re-read it just for that thrill of "yes I need this advice because I'm RICH". Some advice is attainable, like having books, music, and fresh flowers in your house. Honestly, those touchs after tidying up really make the house feel like it's ready for guests at any second, and I frequently include them when I'm getting ready for company.
June 19, 2024
Not at all the kind of read I was expecting it to be. The last two pages are the best in the entire book. Otherwise the rest of it is listing out stores, places to buy things, recipes, things to buy or gift people, not at all like an advice book or a book filled with all the rich learnings from a woman with incredible life experience. Also not necessarily written for those of us who may be living on a “budget” so to speak.
August 5, 2024
It would have been nice if I read this book when it was written in 2008, and better if I actually lived in London as all addresses and references mentioned in the book are from London and other parts of the UK. However I still appreciate the timeless advice the author gives in regards to guidance on fashion, organization, house decor, hosting dinner parties, health, beauty, relationships etc.. Basically, how to infuse elegance into various aspects of life.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 15, 2017
tamamen lüks tüketim üzerine yazılmış bir kitap fakat lüks tüketim üzerine yazılmış iyi bir kitap da değil. en iyi tavsiyeler "yeşil bir marc jacobs ayakkabı joker parçanız olabilir" minvalinde. paranı iyi markalara yatır, pişman olmazsın diyor yazar. makyaj yap, spor yap, kilo ver, lüks yaşa, havalı takıl falan filan.
March 23, 2017
I bought this book when it was first published as I am a fan of the author. I loved it then and I've just re-read it. Yes, some of the shops she recommends are no longer active but her pearls of wisdom are brilliant. I can't say I've followed everything but her mantra of "every house needs music, books and fresh flowers" is something I've followed ever since.
January 11, 2021
I enjoyed the chapters on hosting and homemaking but not much else would be applicable to me. Skipped some parts of the book as a result but will keep it for reference on the chapters that were useful.
December 18, 2017
The author's tone was witty, but the sadly, the majority of the advice was out of my price range.
April 5, 2018
Subjects I very much enjoy, though I skipped about 30 pages in the middle about the nitty-gritty of her home preferences.
March 13, 2019
2.5 stars
January 17, 2023
The fashion part of this was fun, but getting into the rest… it’s basically just “be rich and hire people”.
December 10, 2024
At first I thought this book seems outdated but it turns out it’s just Asians are wayyy more advanced. Only thing intriguing is the Parker Bowles recipe. Hope to try it soon.
April 26, 2023
DNF this patronizing-tone book. It was not worth the effort or time!
October 12, 2025
This is a warm, thoughtful guide to living with grace, style, and a sense of self. Van Der Post shares a lifetime of wisdom in a tone that feels more like a conversation with a trusted friend than a manual. From fashion and beauty to work, travel, and relationships, each chapter is filled with gentle advice and personal anecdotes that make it both practical and charming. It’s not about perfection, but about finding what makes you feel confident, composed, and true to yourself. A lovely, elegant read.
September 8, 2023
Started skim reading and gave up about page 100.
50% of this book appears to be a service referral or a shopping list. For the wealthy 1%.
50% of this book appears to be a service referral or a shopping list. For the wealthy 1%.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 71 reviews