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Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as "narcissistic abuse." Unfortunately, the full extent of what narcissistic abuse entails is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual. Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience. In this book, survivors will •The red flags of narcissistic behavior and covert manipulation tactics, including subtle signs many survivors don't catch in the early stages of dating a narcissist. •The motives behind narcissistic abuse and techniques to resist a narcissist's manipulation. •Why abuse survivors usually stay with a narcissist long after incidents of abuse occur. •How our own brain chemistry locks us into an addiction with a narcissistic or toxic partner, creating cravings for the constant chaos of the abuse cycle. •Traditional and alternative methods to begin to detach and heal from the addiction to the narcissist, including eleven important steps all survivors must take on the road to healing. •Methods to rewrite the narratives that abusers have written for us so we can begin to reconnect with our authentic selves and purpose. •How to rebuild an even more victorious and empowering life after abuse. Narcissistic partners employ numerous stealthy tactics to devalue and manipulate their victims behind closed doors. These partners lack empathy and demonstrate an incredible sense of entitlement and sense of superiority which drives their exploitative behavior in interpersonal relationships. Their tactics can include verbal abuse and emotional invalidation, stonewalling, projection, taking control of every aspect of the victim’s life, gaslighting and triangulation. Due to the narcissistic partner’s “false self,” the charismatic mask he or she projects to society, the victim often feels isolated in this type of abuse and is unlikely to have his or her experiences validated by friends, family and society. Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim. It will also address questions such What successful techniques, tools and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused and subject to psychological warfare? What can survivors do to better engage in self-love and self-care? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they've been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves,their relationship patterns and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?
598 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2016
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September 18, 2023
{This is not so much a review as much as it is the powerful things I read in this book. Here are some of those insightful words.} Narcissists do not choose us because we are like them, they choose us because we are the light to their darkness; regardless of any of our vulnerabilities, we exhibit the gorgeous tears of empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence and authentic confidence that their fragile egotism and false mask could never achieve.
We are empathic beings which means that some survivors may feel pity or compassion for their abuser. If you do not understand this predatory personality and see to sympathize with them more than you are detaching from them, rest assure that there will be harm done.
The Narcissist hides behind the armor of a false self. A construct of qualities and traits that they present to the outside world to gain admiration or attention. You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the Narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors they subject you to. In order to cope you might blame yourself for their abusive behavior and attempt to improve yourself when you have not done anything wrong. You will bear witness to the cold callous indifference as you are discarded. This is the closest you will ever get to seeing their true self. The manipulative conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more. Instead it is replaced by the genuine contempt that they felt for you all along. It's like death by a thousand cuts. It's akin to psychological emotional rape — a sordid violation of boundaries of the trust the victim has given their abuser.
Narcissists lure their victims into a false sense of security so they can attack using their choice weapons...sarcasm, condescending remarks, name-calling and blame-shifting whenever they perceive you as a threat or whenever they need entertainment in the form of an emotional reaction.
They can also use their nonverbal language in the form of sadistic smirks, disappointing looks or their cruel laughter to bully you into believing you are inferior to them. Survivors note that these predators often have intense eye contact when they first meet you, a flat affect with their dead eyes during the devaluation and discard phases, a smirk when they've duped you and a mocking laugh when they are sarcastically putting you down.
In a traumatizing environment where the outcome becomes independent of any actions on the subject's part, this can lead to the subject giving up altogether and succumbing to their situation. There is emotional paralysis and changes to our brain due to occurring trauma. If we can not fight/flight, the stress tends to be stored in our bodies. Emotional pain keeps us stuck and exhausted unable to escape the ever-firing stress hormone system that generates signals long after the threat is over.
According to research conducted by Naomi Eisenberger the same circuitry associated with physical pain can be activated through emotional pain such as that of social exclusion. In another study by Ethan Kross pain tests revealed that thinking about a painful breakup can reactivate the same parts of the brain as when an individual feels the physical discomfort of heat applied to their bodies. Heartbreak causes a surge of adrenaline, causing us to respond to an emotional threat as if it were a physical one, raising blood pressure, speeding up breathing and causing a host of physical symptoms because of the increase in stress hormones.
For those who have been abused as children the trauma literally changes the structure of a child's developing brain which is extremely malleable during that time. There is growing evidence that verbal abuse in childhood can change the way a brain is wired, increasing the risk for anxiety and suicidal ideation in adulthood.
Brain areas affected by trauma can include the hippocampus, amygdala, corpus callosum and frontal cortex. In addition, trauma results in alterations in the key neural systems involved in stress responses, such as the HPA axis. This chronic activation wears out parts of the body resulting in hippocampus/limbic abnormalities in children. The hippocampus and amygdala are key areas of the brain involved in memory, emotion and arousal. It is no wonder that when we have been abused in any way, we have difficulties with planning, memory and emotion regulation. Our brain has been impaired by the stress of trauma and the connection between the rational aspects of our brain and emotive aspects has been broken. This is why we tend to have visceral and bodily reactions to trauma or recollections of trauma.
Trauma tends to stay frozen in our brain. Trauma shuts down executive function associated with the frontal lobes of the brain that are in charge of reasoning, logical aspects of our brain which helps us pay attention, manage time, switch focus, plan and organize, remember details and perform tasks based on experience. Someone who has been traumatized may suffer lapses in memory as well as judgment in planning and organizing because much of the trauma may still be frozen in the parts of the brain that process memory and emotion.
Like a gamble at a slot machine, victims become hopelessly addicted to any perceived gain, no matter how small that gain may be. They do everything they can to survive and cope with an environment that is ultimately rigged against them and in doing so, become traumatically bonded to their abusers. In essence, the abuser conditions the victim to receiving less while they get more effort from the victim.
Abuse survivors start to view themselves through the eyes of their abuser. The belittling, condescending remarks and the violence abusers subject their victims to leads to a sense of learned helplessness and self-doubt which make survivors fearful that they really aren't as worthy as they think they are. They could be the most confident, successful and beautiful people to the outside world, but they are subjected to an internal world of fear, self-doubt and a shaky self-esteem as a result of the traumatic conditioning by their abusers. They have been taught to live on a diet of crumbs (the occasional compliment, some shallow show of attention, perhaps a gift and flattery before the abuse cycle begins again) which serves to remind them that they must work for a love that will never be unconditional, a love that will never contain real respect or compassion.
As a result, they compare themselves to people in happier relationships or even to the seemingly idealized way their abusers treated their exes (on a pedestal or demean them as crazy) and wonder, why not me? What's wrong with me? Of course the problem is not them. It is the abusive relationship which is the source of toxicity in their lives.
Abuse keeps us locked in the fight or flight mode—mentally and emotionally paralyzed. Regular meditation can change our brain making that response smaller and thickening the hippocampus which helps with emotional regulation. The very areas of the brain that were once affected by trauma can now be rewired by meditation.
My mother was narcissistic and martyred. She manipulated, shamed-bashed and guilt-tripped us children into being her devoted followers. The first time I remember I hated myself for being such a burden to my mother, I was only five years old. I never remember anything but feeling like a burden and a mistake. My whole childhood revolved around avoiding scorn and verbal beatings. It revolved around constant rumination about how I could crack the code to make my mother love me.
I was neurotically naive. I needed to see that my family loved me. I needed to understand that abuse was love, because if I didn’t, that would mean that my family didn’t love me. It would mean that my mother didn’t love me. A small child will be crushed under that kind of truth. The pain will be excruciating.
So I lied to myself. It was self preservation 101. It was easier to digest that I was being an abomination, rather than acknowledge that my mother didn’t love me. The translation went like this: Abuse is love. Abuse is justified. My mother does love me, she is just very upset because of how I behave. Because of who I am. It’s me, the 5-year old that is so evil and horrible. That’s why she says all those things to me because I am being mean to her. She is not being mean to me…she loves me. And she is really upset which means that I must be that bad. Poor mommy that got a child so upsetting as I. We can sum up the reaction to childhood abuse in one sentence:
As a result a child that’s being abused by it’s parents doesn’t stop loving it’s parents, it stops loving itself.
Added with this mental response to abuse, you have the power of persuasion combined with power in numbers. The more people abusing a child, the more the child will start accepting that this is not a coincidence — it’s the child being in the wrong for sure. An entire family can’t be wrong, can they? A family can be that dysfunctional that it’s made of enablers, codependents and abusers. This family will find themselves that one scapegoat. You’ll get a malignant family dynamic that’s condoned because very few people recognize abuse as something manipulative and psychological.
Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they’ve suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don’t have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.
Don’t waste your time on explaining yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you.
An abuser will feed on any slight crack of vulnerability or self-doubt. Keep seeking resources to fill your cracks. Fear not love makes our vulnerabilities torture zones.
Winnie the Pooh says it best, “Promise me you’ll always remember you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
We are empathic beings which means that some survivors may feel pity or compassion for their abuser. If you do not understand this predatory personality and see to sympathize with them more than you are detaching from them, rest assure that there will be harm done.
The Narcissist hides behind the armor of a false self. A construct of qualities and traits that they present to the outside world to gain admiration or attention. You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the Narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors they subject you to. In order to cope you might blame yourself for their abusive behavior and attempt to improve yourself when you have not done anything wrong. You will bear witness to the cold callous indifference as you are discarded. This is the closest you will ever get to seeing their true self. The manipulative conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more. Instead it is replaced by the genuine contempt that they felt for you all along. It's like death by a thousand cuts. It's akin to psychological emotional rape — a sordid violation of boundaries of the trust the victim has given their abuser.
Narcissists lure their victims into a false sense of security so they can attack using their choice weapons...sarcasm, condescending remarks, name-calling and blame-shifting whenever they perceive you as a threat or whenever they need entertainment in the form of an emotional reaction.
They can also use their nonverbal language in the form of sadistic smirks, disappointing looks or their cruel laughter to bully you into believing you are inferior to them. Survivors note that these predators often have intense eye contact when they first meet you, a flat affect with their dead eyes during the devaluation and discard phases, a smirk when they've duped you and a mocking laugh when they are sarcastically putting you down.
In a traumatizing environment where the outcome becomes independent of any actions on the subject's part, this can lead to the subject giving up altogether and succumbing to their situation. There is emotional paralysis and changes to our brain due to occurring trauma. If we can not fight/flight, the stress tends to be stored in our bodies. Emotional pain keeps us stuck and exhausted unable to escape the ever-firing stress hormone system that generates signals long after the threat is over.
According to research conducted by Naomi Eisenberger the same circuitry associated with physical pain can be activated through emotional pain such as that of social exclusion. In another study by Ethan Kross pain tests revealed that thinking about a painful breakup can reactivate the same parts of the brain as when an individual feels the physical discomfort of heat applied to their bodies. Heartbreak causes a surge of adrenaline, causing us to respond to an emotional threat as if it were a physical one, raising blood pressure, speeding up breathing and causing a host of physical symptoms because of the increase in stress hormones.
For those who have been abused as children the trauma literally changes the structure of a child's developing brain which is extremely malleable during that time. There is growing evidence that verbal abuse in childhood can change the way a brain is wired, increasing the risk for anxiety and suicidal ideation in adulthood.
Brain areas affected by trauma can include the hippocampus, amygdala, corpus callosum and frontal cortex. In addition, trauma results in alterations in the key neural systems involved in stress responses, such as the HPA axis. This chronic activation wears out parts of the body resulting in hippocampus/limbic abnormalities in children. The hippocampus and amygdala are key areas of the brain involved in memory, emotion and arousal. It is no wonder that when we have been abused in any way, we have difficulties with planning, memory and emotion regulation. Our brain has been impaired by the stress of trauma and the connection between the rational aspects of our brain and emotive aspects has been broken. This is why we tend to have visceral and bodily reactions to trauma or recollections of trauma.
Trauma tends to stay frozen in our brain. Trauma shuts down executive function associated with the frontal lobes of the brain that are in charge of reasoning, logical aspects of our brain which helps us pay attention, manage time, switch focus, plan and organize, remember details and perform tasks based on experience. Someone who has been traumatized may suffer lapses in memory as well as judgment in planning and organizing because much of the trauma may still be frozen in the parts of the brain that process memory and emotion.
Like a gamble at a slot machine, victims become hopelessly addicted to any perceived gain, no matter how small that gain may be. They do everything they can to survive and cope with an environment that is ultimately rigged against them and in doing so, become traumatically bonded to their abusers. In essence, the abuser conditions the victim to receiving less while they get more effort from the victim.
Abuse survivors start to view themselves through the eyes of their abuser. The belittling, condescending remarks and the violence abusers subject their victims to leads to a sense of learned helplessness and self-doubt which make survivors fearful that they really aren't as worthy as they think they are. They could be the most confident, successful and beautiful people to the outside world, but they are subjected to an internal world of fear, self-doubt and a shaky self-esteem as a result of the traumatic conditioning by their abusers. They have been taught to live on a diet of crumbs (the occasional compliment, some shallow show of attention, perhaps a gift and flattery before the abuse cycle begins again) which serves to remind them that they must work for a love that will never be unconditional, a love that will never contain real respect or compassion.
As a result, they compare themselves to people in happier relationships or even to the seemingly idealized way their abusers treated their exes (on a pedestal or demean them as crazy) and wonder, why not me? What's wrong with me? Of course the problem is not them. It is the abusive relationship which is the source of toxicity in their lives.
Abuse keeps us locked in the fight or flight mode—mentally and emotionally paralyzed. Regular meditation can change our brain making that response smaller and thickening the hippocampus which helps with emotional regulation. The very areas of the brain that were once affected by trauma can now be rewired by meditation.
My mother was narcissistic and martyred. She manipulated, shamed-bashed and guilt-tripped us children into being her devoted followers. The first time I remember I hated myself for being such a burden to my mother, I was only five years old. I never remember anything but feeling like a burden and a mistake. My whole childhood revolved around avoiding scorn and verbal beatings. It revolved around constant rumination about how I could crack the code to make my mother love me.
I was neurotically naive. I needed to see that my family loved me. I needed to understand that abuse was love, because if I didn’t, that would mean that my family didn’t love me. It would mean that my mother didn’t love me. A small child will be crushed under that kind of truth. The pain will be excruciating.
So I lied to myself. It was self preservation 101. It was easier to digest that I was being an abomination, rather than acknowledge that my mother didn’t love me. The translation went like this: Abuse is love. Abuse is justified. My mother does love me, she is just very upset because of how I behave. Because of who I am. It’s me, the 5-year old that is so evil and horrible. That’s why she says all those things to me because I am being mean to her. She is not being mean to me…she loves me. And she is really upset which means that I must be that bad. Poor mommy that got a child so upsetting as I. We can sum up the reaction to childhood abuse in one sentence:
As a result a child that’s being abused by it’s parents doesn’t stop loving it’s parents, it stops loving itself.
Added with this mental response to abuse, you have the power of persuasion combined with power in numbers. The more people abusing a child, the more the child will start accepting that this is not a coincidence — it’s the child being in the wrong for sure. An entire family can’t be wrong, can they? A family can be that dysfunctional that it’s made of enablers, codependents and abusers. This family will find themselves that one scapegoat. You’ll get a malignant family dynamic that’s condoned because very few people recognize abuse as something manipulative and psychological.
Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they’ve suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don’t have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.
Don’t waste your time on explaining yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you.
An abuser will feed on any slight crack of vulnerability or self-doubt. Keep seeking resources to fill your cracks. Fear not love makes our vulnerabilities torture zones.
Winnie the Pooh says it best, “Promise me you’ll always remember you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
August 29, 2016
This book was recommended to me by an acquaintance at a group meeting. It's the first book I read about narcissism, and the first few chapters certainly shook up my world. I knew my husband was abusive, but now I knew even more- that he isn't going to change and possibly even can't change. I like how the author's goal is to support the "survivor" in all ways. She includes many resources, lots of accounts, and different voices. One reason I gave it only three stars was because some of the science the author references doesn't feel completely sound to me. Halfway through I set the book down to read some other resources on the topic. I like this book and I would recommend it, but I would advise another reader to make sure it's not your sole basis for understanding the issue. The book "The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection" gave a slightly different, and maybe more empathetic (towards people on the narcissistic spectrum) look at the situation. It helps to remember while reading this book, that all narcissists may not exhibit these high levels of pathology- it is a type of spectrum, from what I can understand. Figuring out what tactics your own narcissist uses and how to stop these tactics from harming you is key. Just labeling your narcissist a sociopath might help at first to get you out of denial, but there's other angles of this issue. And, there are different types of narcissists. My husband, although I still fully believe he's a narcissist, does seem able at times to at least show that he cares about our son. Although he devalues me and uses mind games on me any tiny chance he gets, he does take care of our son sometimes and he shows up on time when he agrees to it. Now, getting him to schedule a time and arranging this is pretty much up to me and can take many days of torturous planning, but I still can choose to look at the good side. Maybe I'll see this differently in hindsight, but today I have to at least be thankful that my son (at least at this young age) doesn't seem to be in harms way when he's with his dad. If my husband chooses to use his "good dad" mask, or chooses to try to be a good person when he's around my son once every few months, wonderful! I'm so glad that my son doesn't have to be around to see the house of horrors I know is lurking right underneath the surface.
August 14, 2017
3.5 stars
A lot of good information wrapped up in too many personal examples. I skimmed & skipped through the sections of personal stories from contributors. There is a lot of useful information presented so it's worth the read for people who have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with someone with narcissistic traits.
A lot of good information wrapped up in too many personal examples. I skimmed & skipped through the sections of personal stories from contributors. There is a lot of useful information presented so it's worth the read for people who have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with someone with narcissistic traits.
June 12, 2016
Just buy it
For anyone who's had the misfortune of being conned into a relationship with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this book will help you put in in perspective, move on and don't look back.
For anyone who's had the misfortune of being conned into a relationship with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this book will help you put in in perspective, move on and don't look back.
May 10, 2017
How to beat them at their own game. Worth reading with supporting articles and also further additional resources to help the survivors overcome the addiction and trauma.
October 25, 2016
Outstanding, comprehensive, thoughtful book for survivors !! I will be sending my clients to read this book to help them have a fantastic, thorough understanding of narcissistic abuse recovery. Shahida Arabi skillfully writes from the standpoint of a survivor to a place of thriving...she blends evidence-based research, with survivor stories and integrative healing concepts that are paramount for trauma recovery from the unique aftermath of narcissistic abuse. This book will be a compass and roadmap for many as they reassemble after the rubble and construct anew a life of meaning, purpose, healing and transformation. Shahida Arabi speaks from the heart, from science, and from spirit...she knows how to translate for survivors the path of healing, triumph, and freedom....
Shahida also offers many evidence-based suggestions for interventions which trauma-informed therapists can implement with their clients among many other supplemental interventions which are empirically sound in her chapter 'Healing from Narcissistic Abuse.
Congratulations, Shahida, on creating this beautiful book---so many will be helped on so many levels because of your eloquence and fortitude. Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW
Shahida also offers many evidence-based suggestions for interventions which trauma-informed therapists can implement with their clients among many other supplemental interventions which are empirically sound in her chapter 'Healing from Narcissistic Abuse.
Congratulations, Shahida, on creating this beautiful book---so many will be helped on so many levels because of your eloquence and fortitude. Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW
March 8, 2023
This book is ok, as far as it goes. I agree with other reviewers that it is repetitive and overly long. I think the problem is the author writes a blog about narcissistic abuse, and the book reads as if they have just cut and pasted their blog straight into a book with very little alteration. In the context of a blog, each blog post must stand alone, but if you’re reading them back-to-back in a book, then it’s the same information over and over again. And, just like an online blog or article, it never gets into too much depth - I felt we only skimmed the surface of topics like gaslighting, harems and smear campaigns.
Also, the book is far from thorough. The writer only covers narcissistic abuse from the perspective of adult romantic relationships. If you want to know about parental narcissistic abuse, then there’s nothing here about the narcissist/golden child/scapegoat/enabler dynamic (apart from the briefest of references about halfway through). But even in the context of romantic relationships, I was surprised the book didn’t cover issues like baiting, the double-bind, breadcrumbing or future-faking. For a book that’s over 500 pages long (or over 19 hours for the audiobook version), you would think it would have time to cover everything, but the scope is quite limited.
I also don’t think the book does what it suggests in its title. The book does not tell you how to become the narcissists worst nightmare. And, I’m glad about that. A lot of the book talks about going low or no contact with the narcissist, and ways you could start to heal yourself. This is a much better idea than the revenge fantasy the title seems to imply. You will never get accountability from a narcissist, and they’ve already drained so much from you, the best thing you can do is get as far away from them as possible and rebuild your sanity.
Like I said at the start, this book is ok as far as it goes. There’s nothing wrong with what is written here and if you are suffering/recovering from narcissistic abuse, I recommend you read everything you can get your hands on. But, there are more thorough and concise books out there on this subject.
Also, the book is far from thorough. The writer only covers narcissistic abuse from the perspective of adult romantic relationships. If you want to know about parental narcissistic abuse, then there’s nothing here about the narcissist/golden child/scapegoat/enabler dynamic (apart from the briefest of references about halfway through). But even in the context of romantic relationships, I was surprised the book didn’t cover issues like baiting, the double-bind, breadcrumbing or future-faking. For a book that’s over 500 pages long (or over 19 hours for the audiobook version), you would think it would have time to cover everything, but the scope is quite limited.
I also don’t think the book does what it suggests in its title. The book does not tell you how to become the narcissists worst nightmare. And, I’m glad about that. A lot of the book talks about going low or no contact with the narcissist, and ways you could start to heal yourself. This is a much better idea than the revenge fantasy the title seems to imply. You will never get accountability from a narcissist, and they’ve already drained so much from you, the best thing you can do is get as far away from them as possible and rebuild your sanity.
Like I said at the start, this book is ok as far as it goes. There’s nothing wrong with what is written here and if you are suffering/recovering from narcissistic abuse, I recommend you read everything you can get your hands on. But, there are more thorough and concise books out there on this subject.
June 29, 2018
Quick review for a long read (seriously, this audiobook is over 16 hours long. I listened to it for days of commutes. =\). This book has so much meat for information to it that it may take a while to digest all that it has to offer, particularly for the better points the narrative makes on recovery, gaslighting, triangulation, and an understanding of narcissists and how harmful they can be to people who are subjected to their abusive behaviors. There are a number of helpful notations in this book on a psychological, self-help, social study, and referential level. Citing from multiple sources, personal stories, essays, among other referential material - Arabi's "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare" delves into surviving abuse in the mix of relationships with those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not just the author who's reflecting in the narrative, but multiple contributors who have a combination of their own impassioned stories and research/ruminations to share.
Something that bothered me about this narrative is that it can be unnecessarily repetitious and general in the advice it gives at times. It took a long time to get to the heart of the material, even from the beginning because the author went too long with the paring down of narcissists as "emotional leeches" among other cut downs. Granted, I get this narrative comes from a personal and oftentimes painful place, but the narration could've been better streamlined to give the narrative more weight for delivering vital pieces of information as a self-help guide. It was frustrating pushing through the narration (though I liked the audio narrator) just to get to pieces of information that I found helpful for practical application and learning about the psychological currents of this disorder. Don't get me wrong, this book has helpful advice, but it's often counteracted by the lack of streamlining. There are certain moments when the narrative loses its focus on the topic and goes down a tangent that doesn't recover for a while.
I went back and forth on whether to give this 3 or 3.5 stars. It's one of the few books that I've picked up in mainstream guides on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my research of various personality disorders and how they affect close relationships, but it wouldn't be the only one I would use as a go-to reference. While it provides a lot of material and helpful advice, it may not be specific or exact enough for those who are in recovery and need something quick to find resources they're looking for.
Overall score: 3/5 stars.
Something that bothered me about this narrative is that it can be unnecessarily repetitious and general in the advice it gives at times. It took a long time to get to the heart of the material, even from the beginning because the author went too long with the paring down of narcissists as "emotional leeches" among other cut downs. Granted, I get this narrative comes from a personal and oftentimes painful place, but the narration could've been better streamlined to give the narrative more weight for delivering vital pieces of information as a self-help guide. It was frustrating pushing through the narration (though I liked the audio narrator) just to get to pieces of information that I found helpful for practical application and learning about the psychological currents of this disorder. Don't get me wrong, this book has helpful advice, but it's often counteracted by the lack of streamlining. There are certain moments when the narrative loses its focus on the topic and goes down a tangent that doesn't recover for a while.
I went back and forth on whether to give this 3 or 3.5 stars. It's one of the few books that I've picked up in mainstream guides on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my research of various personality disorders and how they affect close relationships, but it wouldn't be the only one I would use as a go-to reference. While it provides a lot of material and helpful advice, it may not be specific or exact enough for those who are in recovery and need something quick to find resources they're looking for.
Overall score: 3/5 stars.
October 25, 2016
This book is an excellent resource for anyone going through, or having been through narcissistic abuse. As a survivor of having grown up with a narcissistic family of origin myself, this book not only explains that personality type in an easy way to understand, It gives you lots of ways to spot someone with narcissistic personality traits that you may come across in the workplace or even future relationships, or you could use these ways to spot if a new partners family are narcissistic, then hopefully avoiding future inlaw problems. I also recommend this book to anyone struggling with self care, as we survivors can get so wrapped up in learning about why these people do these things, that we can forget to be gentle on ourselves & not forget that healing takes time, the survivor insights are excellent also. I'm already rating this 5 out of 5 & I haven't finished the book yet, and that's saying something. A brilliant read.
May 28, 2016
Spot on. Such a validating read and full of resources for survivors.
January 5, 2017
Blocking narcissists control
Very thorough discourse about narcissists. This makes them recognizable showing traits and identifying their goals. There are strong recommendations for solutions for the victim and strong support as well. The narcissist will not change but the victim can. Its is sometimes too wordy but a good roadmap for healing. Edna
Very thorough discourse about narcissists. This makes them recognizable showing traits and identifying their goals. There are strong recommendations for solutions for the victim and strong support as well. The narcissist will not change but the victim can. Its is sometimes too wordy but a good roadmap for healing. Edna
March 27, 2018
Absolutely life-changing.
April 29, 2018
“Blameshifting and projecting their malignant traits onto their partners during conversations while using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the "crazy" ones. It’s almost as if they hand off their own traits and shortcomings to their victims as if to say, “Here, take my pathology. I don’t want it.” - Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare by Shahida Arabi
October 31, 2021
There is an incredible amount of helpful tips and tools to deal with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. Explanation, experience, concrete tools, helpful links etc.
If you want to find everything about this topic, read Arabi's book.
However, it was too long for my taste. A lot of things that were redundant, repititions, tons of survivors' insights I couldn't really motivate myself to read about, interviews with specialists and therapists, some with very unique therapy methods.
Also, a lot of space is filled with "basic" tips that... I would go as far as to say are SO OBVIOUS, I don't need to read about it five times in a book.. like... listen to music, affirmations, read a book, call a friend....
So a big part wasn't useful to me, but might be to others.
If you want to find everything about this topic, read Arabi's book.
However, it was too long for my taste. A lot of things that were redundant, repititions, tons of survivors' insights I couldn't really motivate myself to read about, interviews with specialists and therapists, some with very unique therapy methods.
Also, a lot of space is filled with "basic" tips that... I would go as far as to say are SO OBVIOUS, I don't need to read about it five times in a book.. like... listen to music, affirmations, read a book, call a friend....
So a big part wasn't useful to me, but might be to others.
January 29, 2018
I probably would have rated this book a little higher, but I read it via Hoopla, and the formatting was a complete and total mess. So, I found the book a little confusing and disjointed, but I realize that might just be due to the format I read it in.
November 30, 2021
This is a really comprehensive resource on narcissists and relationships with people who are manipulative, abusive and disrespectful. It’s got a lot of information, helpful resources, and stories and advice from people who have survived these horrific nightmares of relationships with people. It has lots of tips on healing from the abuse and going No Contact with the abuser, despite how strong your urges to contact them might be and how remorseful they might appear and despite all their promises of change and treat you better next time.
The main takeaway: they will never change. You deserve to be treated like a human being, with respect and decency. These people are not capable of treating you like this and in close relationships, you will see the dark side and the traumatic aftereffects of their abusive behaviour. It will not change. It is not your fault. You are not a sex doll, and don’t deserve to be treated like an object, a child, or a puppet. But it happened, and you will not get what you need to heal from this people. You never will. It sucks, but it is now your responsibility to deal with the aftereffects of their damage and heal in a life without them.
The main takeaway: they will never change. You deserve to be treated like a human being, with respect and decency. These people are not capable of treating you like this and in close relationships, you will see the dark side and the traumatic aftereffects of their abusive behaviour. It will not change. It is not your fault. You are not a sex doll, and don’t deserve to be treated like an object, a child, or a puppet. But it happened, and you will not get what you need to heal from this people. You never will. It sucks, but it is now your responsibility to deal with the aftereffects of their damage and heal in a life without them.
August 4, 2016
This book has a lot of valuable info on the behavior patterns of someone exhibiting narcissistic personality disorder as well as the real harm they can inflict on others, and the author has done her research. She does a great job of showing how narcissists often get a free pass in society because of their charm, followers, and ability to narrate a different reality than the actual events taking place. The overemphasis on narcissists in romantic relationships makes the book feel a bit narrow after the first third of it, I would have liked to learn more about family, friend, and work situations too. The book was also just way too long overall, hard to stay engaged after the first third of the book. Some of the tips on how to deal with narcissists were simplistic, like do yoga or meditate. With less long-winded writing and some broader examples, as well as a somewhat softer tone, I would give this book a higher rating.
April 14, 2018
Eye opening
I brought this book for a friend as a gift and then decided to read it myself after they encouraged me too. I thought I had my eyes open and I did but this book opened them some more. Lots of useful and helpful information for dealing with and getting out of this type of abuse. Useful information if your trying to help and understand someone who is trying to get out too.
I brought this book for a friend as a gift and then decided to read it myself after they encouraged me too. I thought I had my eyes open and I did but this book opened them some more. Lots of useful and helpful information for dealing with and getting out of this type of abuse. Useful information if your trying to help and understand someone who is trying to get out too.
January 10, 2018
Worthwhile read, I wouldn't put this as the first on my list if and when learning about being involved with a Narcissist but for sure before you feel you've healed. This is a lot of good information and absolutely a book I pulled a lot of strength from, I was very glad to have this as a surprise from a friend so I could see where I started and where I am now.
January 28, 2019
This book is desperately needed by many people. While this focused more on dating/marriage relationships, the techniques and advice are very valuable for those with narcissistic coworkers, neighbors and parents. The advice is practical and there are many responses from survivors of relationships with malignant narcissists.
March 30, 2021
I am rating this book not as an introduction to narcissism but purely as a deposit of affirmation, validating, and healing for those caught within or having survived narcissistic abuse. It does become a bit repetitive, but it has a wealth of shared experiences and useful input for those who are looking to heal, recover, and process what they experienced.
October 23, 2016
Loved the chapter on healing techniques near the end - has everything you need to know and more - immense amount of information packed within this book. Goes into alternative and traditional methods too.
January 11, 2018
It was useful read and helpful to me. They style of writing was really repetitive and I think the book could be 1/3 the length and equally effective.
April 12, 2024
It's a good book for survivors of narcissistic abuse and I've already recommended it to a few of my clients, who made it thirty pages before bursting into tears. Probably cathartic tears, not the retraumatizing kind.
Two stars off for Arabi poisoning the well about therapists through her own lens of what constitutes validating. I understand that the main thrust of this book was to convince victims that they cannot be blamed for their victimization, since, by virtue of interaction with a narcissist, they were blamed for everything that happened in either of their lives, unless it was something good, in which case the narcissist took credit for it despite all of the alleged interference from the victim, which they are also blamed for. Sure. 101 stuff.
"I walked by my neighbor's dog and it bit me!"
That's terrible! Are you all right?
See, that's validating.
"I walk by my neighbor's dog every day, and every day, it bites me! I don't know how much more I can survive!"
Have you tried not walking by the neighbor's dog?
"It's not that SIMPLE you don't understand the ADVANCED PSYCHODYNAMICS of neighborhood navigation and dog proximity I am NEUROCHEMICALLY ADDICTED to passing by this dog and I am going to find a VALIDATING therapist who is EDUCATED in these matters"
No, sweaty, you're going to find an enabler. You're the one who keeps passing the same dog, and you know what's going to happen.
And the argument made in the book is that we're helplessly magnetized into these abusive cycles with narcissists, professional con artists who are spectacular in bed (she really emphasized this point for some reason) and there's nothing we can do. But then the rest of the book consisted of things we can do.
????????????????????
It just doesn't follow. Either you're helpless and blameless and prettier than non-victims, pulled along in the wake of the narcissist until a freak accident frees you and you can begin recovering... or the title of the book you wrote is possible, and you can Become the Narcissist's Nightmare by Devaluing and Discarding them while Supplying Yourself.
I don't hold it against her. It's cognitive dissonance she's still working through it. Three stars for the rest of the book, which offered great suggestions about grey rocking, boundary setting, self-care, and all sorts of other psychologically sound strategies to recover from abuse and reduce your chances of getting targeted for abuse again.
My personal favorite was the one where you fight fire with fire, and whatever response the narcissist attempts to manipulate out of you, you hit them with the opposite, full force. They silent treatment you? Great, some quiet time to yourself. They hit you with their guilt trip, explaining how thoroughly you victimized them? Maybe poke fun at how they let themselves be pushed around like that, especially considering it wasn't your intention -- sheesh, that sounds really embarrassing, and can you imagine how bad it would be if someone was TRYING to bully you? They attempt to intimidate you with their overblown temper tantrums? Laugh at them, shut it down like you're talking to a bold child, or extricate yourself from the situation "until you feel like having a grown-up conversation." Oooooh, that'll really boil them.
The problem with boiling them is sometimes they're physically violent, and not everyone is prepared for that. A narcissist is a coward at heart, so he's only going to blow up if he thinks he can get away with it, and hitting a woman to stop her from making him feel like the piece of trash he is might count as "getting away with it". In those instances, opt for one of the other strategies. It's not worth throwing your life away to piss him off. You'll piss him off by accident just living your own life.
But, end of the day, it's not a game you're going to win, because your opponent doesn't actually know how to play. Their emotional language is muted, except for rage and self-pity. Play on those if you can until you can get out of the situation, but like, get your ass out of the situation. You're not going to show him the error of his ways, you're not going to cure him, you're not going to teach him a lesson. The boy is broken, and you don't have the toolbox to fix it. People can change, but when we're talking about NPD, we're not really talking about people. They're caricatures, and their entire self-image is built around their busted-ass little self-aggrandizing delusions. You might be able to chip away at the insecurity that built their personality disorder until it collapses and they have a mental breakdown, but they would just come back worse than before, with a story about how they emerged from the very jaws of defeat, undaunted, due to the uniqueness of their character, their intrinsic fighting spirit, their certain je ne sais quoi.
What a colossal waste of time that would be. You'd be much better served just getting a life.
Two stars off for Arabi poisoning the well about therapists through her own lens of what constitutes validating. I understand that the main thrust of this book was to convince victims that they cannot be blamed for their victimization, since, by virtue of interaction with a narcissist, they were blamed for everything that happened in either of their lives, unless it was something good, in which case the narcissist took credit for it despite all of the alleged interference from the victim, which they are also blamed for. Sure. 101 stuff.
"I walked by my neighbor's dog and it bit me!"
That's terrible! Are you all right?
See, that's validating.
"I walk by my neighbor's dog every day, and every day, it bites me! I don't know how much more I can survive!"
Have you tried not walking by the neighbor's dog?
"It's not that SIMPLE you don't understand the ADVANCED PSYCHODYNAMICS of neighborhood navigation and dog proximity I am NEUROCHEMICALLY ADDICTED to passing by this dog and I am going to find a VALIDATING therapist who is EDUCATED in these matters"
No, sweaty, you're going to find an enabler. You're the one who keeps passing the same dog, and you know what's going to happen.
And the argument made in the book is that we're helplessly magnetized into these abusive cycles with narcissists, professional con artists who are spectacular in bed (she really emphasized this point for some reason) and there's nothing we can do. But then the rest of the book consisted of things we can do.
????????????????????
It just doesn't follow. Either you're helpless and blameless and prettier than non-victims, pulled along in the wake of the narcissist until a freak accident frees you and you can begin recovering... or the title of the book you wrote is possible, and you can Become the Narcissist's Nightmare by Devaluing and Discarding them while Supplying Yourself.
I don't hold it against her. It's cognitive dissonance she's still working through it. Three stars for the rest of the book, which offered great suggestions about grey rocking, boundary setting, self-care, and all sorts of other psychologically sound strategies to recover from abuse and reduce your chances of getting targeted for abuse again.
My personal favorite was the one where you fight fire with fire, and whatever response the narcissist attempts to manipulate out of you, you hit them with the opposite, full force. They silent treatment you? Great, some quiet time to yourself. They hit you with their guilt trip, explaining how thoroughly you victimized them? Maybe poke fun at how they let themselves be pushed around like that, especially considering it wasn't your intention -- sheesh, that sounds really embarrassing, and can you imagine how bad it would be if someone was TRYING to bully you? They attempt to intimidate you with their overblown temper tantrums? Laugh at them, shut it down like you're talking to a bold child, or extricate yourself from the situation "until you feel like having a grown-up conversation." Oooooh, that'll really boil them.
The problem with boiling them is sometimes they're physically violent, and not everyone is prepared for that. A narcissist is a coward at heart, so he's only going to blow up if he thinks he can get away with it, and hitting a woman to stop her from making him feel like the piece of trash he is might count as "getting away with it". In those instances, opt for one of the other strategies. It's not worth throwing your life away to piss him off. You'll piss him off by accident just living your own life.
But, end of the day, it's not a game you're going to win, because your opponent doesn't actually know how to play. Their emotional language is muted, except for rage and self-pity. Play on those if you can until you can get out of the situation, but like, get your ass out of the situation. You're not going to show him the error of his ways, you're not going to cure him, you're not going to teach him a lesson. The boy is broken, and you don't have the toolbox to fix it. People can change, but when we're talking about NPD, we're not really talking about people. They're caricatures, and their entire self-image is built around their busted-ass little self-aggrandizing delusions. You might be able to chip away at the insecurity that built their personality disorder until it collapses and they have a mental breakdown, but they would just come back worse than before, with a story about how they emerged from the very jaws of defeat, undaunted, due to the uniqueness of their character, their intrinsic fighting spirit, their certain je ne sais quoi.
What a colossal waste of time that would be. You'd be much better served just getting a life.
February 20, 2023
I am abandoning this audio book for the following reasons:
1) I have read books and articles related to narcissism and NPD in the past, and I find that most of this material is repetitive. If this is not the case with you, the book might still work for you.
2) There are way too many website referrals and links that the reader painfully reads out, which are extremely irritating and annoying and take quite a bit of space on the audio book, making an already long audio book even longer (this is a 19 hour audio book!). At least on one occasion, in the 32 percent of the book that I heard, the author referred me to her website to read a 20 point something about narcissists. I already bought your book, didn't I? why would you make me look up a website in the middle of an audio book? I could well be on my walk, or a jog or in a gym, how am I going to be able to look up links in the middle of a routine? Also, ironic this should happen in a book about narcissism. The sort of manipulative trick a narcissist might pull, innit? aight. that's too harsh, but still, you are pulling a fast one on me. You should include that information in the book rather than take the same amount of time reading out 15 links out loud including every damn character. the whole entire spelling out really got my goat. How would you like it if i went .. hetch tea tea pee.. .. colon ... forward slash , forward slash dubya dubya dubya and then read every dot and dash until it was all done fifteen times into your ear and gained nothing in the half an hour that it took your reader to finish reading the lot?
3) Too many damn testimonials going on ad nauseam about the same thing over and over again. The author quotes other authors way too often and at times reads entire articles by them when those damn links weren't being read out. The book lacks structure.
4) I was looking for a fresh perspective and insight into narcissism. This isn't it. Did not work for me. Sorry.
1) I have read books and articles related to narcissism and NPD in the past, and I find that most of this material is repetitive. If this is not the case with you, the book might still work for you.
2) There are way too many website referrals and links that the reader painfully reads out, which are extremely irritating and annoying and take quite a bit of space on the audio book, making an already long audio book even longer (this is a 19 hour audio book!). At least on one occasion, in the 32 percent of the book that I heard, the author referred me to her website to read a 20 point something about narcissists. I already bought your book, didn't I? why would you make me look up a website in the middle of an audio book? I could well be on my walk, or a jog or in a gym, how am I going to be able to look up links in the middle of a routine? Also, ironic this should happen in a book about narcissism. The sort of manipulative trick a narcissist might pull, innit? aight. that's too harsh, but still, you are pulling a fast one on me. You should include that information in the book rather than take the same amount of time reading out 15 links out loud including every damn character. the whole entire spelling out really got my goat. How would you like it if i went .. hetch tea tea pee.. .. colon ... forward slash , forward slash dubya dubya dubya and then read every dot and dash until it was all done fifteen times into your ear and gained nothing in the half an hour that it took your reader to finish reading the lot?
3) Too many damn testimonials going on ad nauseam about the same thing over and over again. The author quotes other authors way too often and at times reads entire articles by them when those damn links weren't being read out. The book lacks structure.
4) I was looking for a fresh perspective and insight into narcissism. This isn't it. Did not work for me. Sorry.
March 11, 2021
Did the trick of helping me finally block my abusive ex, so 3 stars for that. Pretty repetitive and simplistic content, though.
July 10, 2025
All I have to say is, “Wow”! This book is amazing and is a must read for anyone who has been in or still is in a relationship with a narcissist. I read it over the course of two years because I was legitimately living the abuse and hell that is discussed so it was a tough read for me. This is packed with info, strategies to help begin to heal, and all around just a powerful read. Shahida’s experiences were not pleasant but she writes with such eloquence and also compassion for her readers, that you truly feel empowered to leave that narcissist behind. She is truly remarkable. By far the best book I’ve read on narcissism thus far.
October 28, 2016
This book is very well researched and written. It includes personal stories of survivors as well as up-to-date clinical information, making the topic of narcissistic abuse accessible to the public without reducing its complexity. The book is definately a must have for narc-abuse survivors. It helps me making sense of what I was going through as well as offers practical healing strategy. Firstly, the book dedicates one whole chapter towards how to recognise the narcissist. This first chapter offers clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder and also how to identify narcissistic abusive behaviours in everyday life and in personal relationships. I personally find the "Dictionary" section in this chapter helpful as it clearly lists out the manipulative techniques used by the narcissists. The second chapter explains why you might attract narcissist to your life and it also debunks any myth that being a narcissistic magnet is your fault. Thus, it clears out any unnecessary guilt or shame victims might have had about themselves while dealing with this type of surreal abuse. Starting from chapter 3 towards the end of the book you will find guidance towards healing and many inspiring stories of how people thrive and flourish after narcissistic abuse. I am currently still reading the book and cannot help but to leave a review for the book right away because of how astonishing it is. Shahida is truly gifted with a talent to touch people's heart through her writing. I wish that this book will inspire many survivors as it has been to me. I cannot wait to write another review after finishing this wonderful book to its entirety.
January 21, 2020
So much information in this book. Terms related to narcissisism are defined in one section. Great references for out-sourcing. I love how it talks about what the brain is actually doing when you are going through the trauma. It was interesting section of this book.
This book also explains the reasons why, we, victims have a hard time leaving our abusers and what you can do to empower yourself after the abuse.
There is so many great ideas and tips in chapter three for self healing from not just the trauma, but PTSD, as well. After reading the lists it gave me motivation to write a bucket list.
I've heard how important No Contact is, but this book explains more in detail why that is.
The ten life-changing truths for abuse survivors very helpful for my inner self. Its a reminder that what happened was not my fault.
This book also explains the reasons why, we, victims have a hard time leaving our abusers and what you can do to empower yourself after the abuse.
There is so many great ideas and tips in chapter three for self healing from not just the trauma, but PTSD, as well. After reading the lists it gave me motivation to write a bucket list.
I've heard how important No Contact is, but this book explains more in detail why that is.
The ten life-changing truths for abuse survivors very helpful for my inner self. Its a reminder that what happened was not my fault.
September 27, 2019
I started reading this book while trying to end a toxic on and off again two year relationship. Had I read this two years ago I could have saved myself countless sleepless nights and endless amounts of worry, guilt and depression- not to mention money. Every page from beginning to end was like reading field notes from a 3rd party watching my relationship. I would highly recommend this book to someone that feels as though they are dating Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. From triangulation to love bombing, gaslighting, emotional stone walling, projection. The list goes on forever. Read this book and save yourself from wasting your time with someone that is incapable of having a healthy relationship.
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