When Love is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD-Reactive Attachment Disorder

by Nancy L. Thomas

We are very excited about our new additions to the priceless work When Love is Not Enough – A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD. This little purple book, as it has been lovingly called by parents, has brought hope and healing to thousands of families of children suffering from RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

This best-selling work now includes even MORE interventions to help challenging children to heal. The plan is all inside, just add your heart and you are ready to roll!

Genres: Parenting, Adoption, Nonfiction, Psychology, Fostering, Mental Health, Self Help

193 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 1997

Reviews

[Aspidistra · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has many fans, and perhaps some of the techniques in here would be helpful for a RAD child who is resistant to other approaches. But I find the approach demeaning to the child and parent.

There is some value, though, in the parts of the book that deal with maintaining structure and safety within a household.

[Chris McKenzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have three children, all adopted. This book saved my sanity, as all three have reactive attachment disorder to some degree. My oldest, now 15, was the most severe. Implementing Namcy Thomas's techniques actually WORKED. I won't say that all of our problems have gone away, but my children are well on the road to living stable, normal lives. The book outlines a plan that can be difficult and sometimes sounds crazy, but it worked for us. Once we realized the extent of our son's problems, we began seeking help, and came to realize how relatively little is known about RAD and how little help is actually available. Misdiagnosed with ADD, depression, and possible OCD, our child was on a cocktail of medications that masked symptoms and didn't help. Now he takes no medication, is a good student, plays the piano, recently starred in a school play, and is able to interact with his family, teachers, and peers in acceptable and positive ways. This book helped show us the way. It lists causes and symptoms and then takes you step by step through the techniques for changing the behavior. It is not about behavior modification, but true change that enables broken children to love and trust again. Nancy Thomas is my hero.

[Carla (There Might Be Cupcakes Podcast) · Rating 1 out of 5]

Life is too short to be this irritated by a professional book on a serious, life-altering topic.
It presents as a self-published book in the worst possible way: the cover looks unprofessional, and the chapter and section headings are outlined font. Many sentences have at least two exclamation points.
Plus, I am offended as a professional, and for the parents who are seeking help for this difficult, difficult children; in order to lighten the mood (!), she sarcastically and repeatedly refers to the RAD child as "Sweetums". As in "If Sweetums wants to tear up the house, then you..." Not appropriate, at all.

[Jenn · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author of this book has a great deal of experience, but clearly, no clinical training. The language is sometimes coarse, judgmental and demeaning despite the fact that the focus of the book is children with significant trauma histories. While there is value in the experiences and insights in the book, I think that some of these methods, applied without the supervision of a trained therapist could be at best, ineffective and at worst harmful. I wouldn't give this book to a parent I work with, though I might suggest one or two of the interventions as part of a broader, more trauma-informed treatment plan.

[Jennifer Albright · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is some valuable information but also many contradictions.

[Becky Roman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Juvenile publishing/editing/writing. Thomas's snarky attitude can come off as cold, and offensive. However, dealing with RAD kids does require dark humor to get through it. Tactics should be used with professional guidance of an attachment specialist as it would be easy to become cold and authoritarian. Some tools we have implemented with great success for our RAD. Some we would never attempt, as they would like cause more trauma.

[Lauren Depina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the first book I’ve read about parenting a child with RAD after our therapist suggested that my daughter has this disorder.

Pros: Finally I feel like this fits, unlike other potential things like ADD or ADHD. This book offers a great explanation of the behaviors that a child with RAD exhibits. As the mom in our situation, this book has provided scientifically-backed evidence to the things I’ve been explaining for several years that no one else in our family or community see. It’s been helpful to discuss with my husband and especially his family to show them that these things are real and how stressful they are on the mother.

Cons: This book is definitely geared more towards severely damaged children with extremely violent tendencies. This isn’t my daughter and so some of the interventions mentioned feel too extreme for our situation. I also didn’t like that there’s a whole section on Christianity and basically saying if you don’t pray and go to church as a family, your family will never heal. It’s also quite outdated and has a surprising amount of typos in it. It was updated in 2005 and I feel like it was never proofread.

[Leanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had no idea what the term "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was when I stumbled upon this book in a public library. I was only a few months into parenting a two year old with trauma issues (that I wasn't even aware of yet), and I had no idea why my 16 years as a parent were of no help with my (at the time) foster son.

Discovering this slim purple book resulted in a major epiphany for me. Nancy's insight saved my sanity at the time, as well as introduced me to RAD which continues to affect my 14 year old son even now.

Nancy's "tough love" approach doesn't have all the answers, but this book is still full of great insight. She offers the best explanation I have ever come across of a child's perspective of attachment disorder (chapter 3) and most of her parenting tips are solid.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was some tough reading. Tough to process the reality it described. I like the author's strength and organized suggestions, but I really really hope I don't have to deal with the challenges she describes. I think I would like this book A LOT better if it was updated. The references feel just a bit dated and I can't help but wonder if there is newer better research out there. I certainly would do more research if faced with what she tries to prepare her readers for.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Author demonstrates how parenting techniques can be used with children who may have diagnoses other than RAD. The author writes in a style that is "by a parent, to a parent."

[Ellie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book definitely taught me a thing a two about raising a child with RAD. The author clearly understands the disorder, and has plenty of experience working with the behaviors that sometimes baffle me. Her responses are strong and thoughtful, and this book is loaded with actual helpful techniques for parenting a child with RAD- something that so many similar books lack.

While I understand the theory behind her responses, and agree with the end goal of her techniques, I don't agree with all of the techniques she uses and found some to seem inconsistent with the overall goal. I do question the feasibility of some of her techniques, but will be implementing others. Our parenting styles differ some, and as a newer RAD parent, I know I don't have all of the answers yet. The book also seems geared more towards foster children, but almost all of it could be considered for biological children.

Overall, this book has given me much to consider. It has aid out a rough path before me which I will be able to polish and fine tune to my own child's individual needs, general feasibility, and the consideration of the well-being of the rest of our family. I'm grateful for this perspective, thoughtfulness, and detail included in this book.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book after hearing the author speak at a Love and Logic conference in Breckenridge. I really liked what she had to say at the conference, and a woman I met there highly recommended her book. I don't think my children have attachment disorder (at least not to the degree that the author mentions). Perhaps we all have some degree of attachment issues. Her main audience is for parents who are adopting or fostering children who have experienced deep trauma in their first three years of life.

Anyway, a lot of the book does not apply to my parenting, but I found it very interesting to learn about what it is like to raise a child with severe attachment issues, as I have seen these children in action at my school. I did appreciate her perspective of being a strong and loving parent, but a parent who is definitely in charge and doesn't let her kids rule the roost, so to speak. It's nice to have a role model of what a very strong, yet loving parent looks like. And she gives a lot of practical tips for how to creatively deal with the annoyances of parenting from nose-picking to not wanting to do chores to being generally not fun to be around.

[Huayra]

Nancy is a cogent Author who knows how to write with oppositional personality traits in mind. Nancy is sensitive to the needs of children with adoptive parents and their own placement as peers of others who are possibly a part of a program that addresses understanding and love of another of a different age, and of a different social role, of their given: living environment, community.

Some of the writing ought not to be read in a polarized way as it can raise some unpleasant emotions such as anger and if that emotion is not manageable familialy, then the child’s popularity may be put into question, which then has the potential to result in dry speculation on the part of others, and may delay them from speaking to an aide for professional help, to see if they may be seen as recovering, manageably from living with RAD.

Though the book is composed with a different set of fonts, it doesn’t hurt one group of the human race, to read this alone. It may be better suited to be read an discussed outloud as part of a group, else an online forum, with linearly thinking folx, if not read and discussed promptly.

[Tanya · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an awful book. I'm giving this read two stars because there are rare nuggets of good advice in a few of the chapters. However, most of the information contained in this book is inaccurate, hurtful, and disparaging. I believe many of the parenting instructions contained within are now considered to be abusive.

The author insisted, with no clinical evidence to support her statement, that all children suffering from attachment disorders, ADD, ADHD, and Tourette's syndrome grow up to be rapists and murderers without her "parenting techniques."

The author also promotes slut shaming young men and women who are sexually active, telling children they embarrassed her for having alternate hairstyles, and ordering a pizza to ignore a child if the child runs away.

This book is a waste of your time and money.

[Eva Napier · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was instrumental in saving my daughter's life and our family's sanity. As the mother of 6 children, including 2 adopted from Ukraine-- one who has Reactive Attachment Disorder-- Nancy's book provided real life, hands on methods for parenting in the most difficult situations. I bought multiple copies to share with teachers, grandparents, and respite care providers. I referred to it regularly over several years. My kids know it as "the purple book."

My daughter is now in her 20s and doing well. I cannot recommend this book highly enough for anyone working with or parenting a child with RAD. It is referenced in the upcoming second edition of my book, Small, (by Eva Napier).

Hugs to all parents who find themselves in need of this book. You can do it.

[DavSchi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate that the author is upfront about not having a psychology degree, but is writing this from the perspective of being a mom. I also appreciate her frequent mentioning of collaborating with an attachment therapist. There are lots of helpful tips/techniques with dealing with any RAD related behaviors. As the book progresses it takes on more of an attitude of To Be A Powerful Parent… The book is 18 years old at this point from the last update (2005) and I would be curious to see how the author would edit this for current times and knowledge of psychological development. The book does has frequent editing errors.

[Tammy · Rating 2 out of 5]

So many rules. Dos and don’ts. I felt like the advice conflicted with itself - swinging between very strict and then leniently allowing the child to learn from the natural consequences.

There were a few gems in here, thus earning 2 stars. But wow my head is spinning with the right ways and the wrong ways to interact with these kids, and the author is so sure of her rules, and the rules seem quite arbitrary.

I can’t imagine being the kid trying to do the right thing. I can’t figure it all out as an adult.

[Lindie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must-have book for any adoptive or foster parent who has a child with RAD! In fact, I think it should be given to you as soon as the child is dropped off with you (or even in one of the training classes beforehand). Not only does it tell you all about RAD, but it gives you specific things to do in your own home. For example, if the child steals try option A, option B or option C. So refreshing to read about someone who knows what they're talking about. And it really has helped!!!

[Duane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book, a must read for anyone with a RAD kid in your home. It is nice to know that you are not alone in dealing with RAD issues, and as a parent you are not crazy. I can't tell you how many times well intended people told me they just need more love.
It is obviously written by someone who has personal experience, and is not a professional writer, but the content is so good it's easy to look past the writing style.

[Liz Simpson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an absolutely crucial book for those faced with the challenge of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder. Truly, the diagnosis should come with the therapist or psychiatrist handing you this book. I handed this to my parents to help them understand r.a.d. also, and they wept. It truly is enlightening, resourceful, and a breath of fresh air. I am so thankful Nancy Thomas took the time to compile this book.

[Chloe Sodonis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent book with some helpful insights on RAD. However, there are a few concepts and also ways she words things that are completely outdated and not appropriate or helpful. There are good things to be found in this book. I have a sibling with RAD, and honestly no one really understands it. The world is so judgmental towards things they don’t understand.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can see the techniques might help some children with severe RAD who need very restrictive rules, but I felt the techniques are demeaning, controlling and borderline abusive. The author seems to run her home much like a military boarding school. I will be looking for more empathetic strategies.

[Trice · Rating 2 out of 5]

While many of the techniques in this book are helpful, I am not chuffed with the author’s commentary on self expression (outfits, haircuts) and her conflation of makeup with promiscuity. Slut shaming is not okay.

[Erin Supelak · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quick read. A bit outdated. I don’t agree with everything they have to say about reacting to a child with RAD. A child is not meant to be treated like they are living in a boot camp. When it comes to love towards the child, there should not be as many postive restrictions.

[Emily Mc · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've definitely learned a lot from this book, helpful in practice with children and youth

[Jacki Gross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing read!

[Jenni Jex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is helpful, though extreme. Some good nuggets of advice.

[Cathi Kelley · Rating 1 out of 5]

What kind of credentials does this writer have?! This is a bunch of hooey. Unqualified people should not be able to write books like this.

[Mark Mathis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Answered Prayer!

I needed this so much, it is a wonderful book with things that make sense and can be implemented. It also opens your heart to Love with out reciprocating.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

*cleaning out bookshelves. from Tia Jen circa 2010ish?