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Maternity Leave: A Novel
Julie Halpern's "Maternity Leave "tells the profane, profound and just plain funny story of a professional woman who thinks she's ready for a baby but her maternity leave proves otherwise.
Thirty six year old Annie Schwartz-Jensen is a middle school teacher on maternity leave-a time she imagined as uninterrupted, blissful bonding with her baby. Instead she is dealing with her body leaking from every possible orifice, a baby who won't sleep, a husband who still wants to have sex with her (is he nuts ), single friends who are clueless, and a mother who picked now to take a vacation. The only people who REALLY understand Annie are the wonderful people she spends sleepless nights with on QVC: Keep those velveteen table runners and non-jiggle stretch pants coming!
As Annie navigates life with her new baby, she realizes that not all Mommies are created equal. But she is determined to find her way, love her baby, her husband, herself---even if she has to wear nipple protectors for the rest of her child-bearing life.
Thirty six year old Annie Schwartz-Jensen is a middle school teacher on maternity leave-a time she imagined as uninterrupted, blissful bonding with her baby. Instead she is dealing with her body leaking from every possible orifice, a baby who won't sleep, a husband who still wants to have sex with her (is he nuts ), single friends who are clueless, and a mother who picked now to take a vacation. The only people who REALLY understand Annie are the wonderful people she spends sleepless nights with on QVC: Keep those velveteen table runners and non-jiggle stretch pants coming!
As Annie navigates life with her new baby, she realizes that not all Mommies are created equal. But she is determined to find her way, love her baby, her husband, herself---even if she has to wear nipple protectors for the rest of her child-bearing life.
288 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2015
20 people are currently reading
989 people want to read
About the author
Julie Halpern
18 books428 followersJULIE HALPERN is the author of five young adult novels and one picture book for young readers. Maternity Leave is her first novel for adults. Prior to her life as full-time mom and author, Julie was a school librarian. In her imaginary spare time, she enjoys traveling, watching television for grown-ups, and eating baked goods. Julie lives in the Chicago suburbs with her husband, author and illustrator Matthew Cordell, and their two children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 182 reviews
June 30, 2016
I think any new mother would appreciate this entertaining, relatively accurate (in my experience anyway) portrayal of early motherhood.
This story commences when Annie is in labour. She has a little baby boy they call Sam, and thus begins her journey, day by day through the first few months of motherhood. The highs and lows, the grossness and the laughter..
I really enjoyed the format of this book. It is journal entries along with Facebook statuses and email correspondences between Anna and her family and friends. This made it extremely entertaining and easy to read. The chapters are set out in days, and they are quite short so its easy to put it down and pick it up again later (great for when you are busy with the kids!)
It had some extremely funny moments and I could really relate to most of it (except for the part where she gets her husband to squirt her bottom with water while she poops on the loo whilst breastfeeding her baby at the same time – I can’t say I could relate to that!). But it really had a lot of other moments where I would go “YES!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE!”.
I related to Annie SO MUCH! I felt we would have been good friends! We had such similar experiences! I too have an older cat who has shared a big chunk of my life with me. I also love Buffy and Battlestar Galactica is my FAVOURITE SERIES! I am a complete nerd too!
I have read some reviews of this book describing how it doesn’t describe motherhood accurately, and portrays Annie as borderline depressed. I don’t necessarily agree with this. Annie’s experience was so similar to my own, and I would not have classed myself as depressed. It’s hard work suddenly having a tiny person to be totally and utterly responsible for. A total culture shock, and I was not one of these magical mothers who took to it straight away. It took me MONTHS before I had a bond with my son. It is not unusual to not have an instant connection the child you suddenly have in your arms and sucking on your boobs!
The first few months are HARD. They are filled with amazing highs but incredible lows, and sleep deprivation… I enjoyed that this book didn’t skirt around this issue like others do. And the humerous approach was really refreshing. I only wish I had read this 2.5 years ago, when I was up at 3am trying to get my screaming son to latch onto my boob whilst crying my eyes out, wondering if things ever get better.
Would I recommend Maternity Leave?
Yes, I would recommend it to any new mother, and any mother-to-be, who wants a pretty accurate portrayal of some of the difficulties of having a newborn. I would actually say its good for the new dads and dads-to-be to have a read through too, to gain some understanding of just how difficult it is to be a new mother when they go back to work. Overall an enjoyable and entertaining read!
Many thanks to Pan Macmillian and author Julie Halpern for a copy of Maternity Leave to read in exchange for my honest review.
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December 29, 2015
Maternity Leave is a women's fiction/humor novel written by middle-school librarian Julie Halpern. As the title suggests, this novel is about a woman's maternity leave after giving birth to her first child. Guess what? The character: Annie is a middle school teacher...very similar to the author. According to an interview with Ms. Halpern at the end of the audiobook, that is not where the similarities end. She actually incorporated many of her personal motherhood experiences for these fictional characters and it created a real and relatable story.
Ms. Halpern's honesty is painfully hilarious! She shows that giving birth, adjusting to your post-baby body, breastfeeding, considering sex again, keeping some normalcy in your marriage, and figuring out this parenting thing isn't always all it's cracked up to be. This novel is written in a series of journal entries that does not feel like fiction at all except for the generous dose of comedy on every page. Motherhood is such a blessing, no but's about it. It's also hard, uncertain, and has parents second guessing themselves at almost every turn. I applaud Ms. Halpern for commenting on all the craziness and cushioning it with a "love it or hate it" style of comedy. Her approach worked for me - she wrote all the things I felt ungrateful for thinking when I was a new mom. I think Ms. Halpern's novel will validate so many mothers who feel like they are literally going crazy. Yes, it all pays off in the end but you've got to admit, even "supermom" has her days.
My favorite quote:
"I tried running again this morning. Things went well for maybe a minute but then it felt like the bottom was about to drop again. What a bizarre sensation. I envision my vaginal area looking something like a hellmouth from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and if I shake it up too much, everything: demons, vampires, Fallopian tubes is going to start flying out into the new dimension I opened. Not to mention the extra sixty pounds of boob I feel like I'm toting around. I don't know if I can run even if I manage to stop up my giant nether chasm. Best walk instead."
Ms. Halpern's honesty is painfully hilarious! She shows that giving birth, adjusting to your post-baby body, breastfeeding, considering sex again, keeping some normalcy in your marriage, and figuring out this parenting thing isn't always all it's cracked up to be. This novel is written in a series of journal entries that does not feel like fiction at all except for the generous dose of comedy on every page. Motherhood is such a blessing, no but's about it. It's also hard, uncertain, and has parents second guessing themselves at almost every turn. I applaud Ms. Halpern for commenting on all the craziness and cushioning it with a "love it or hate it" style of comedy. Her approach worked for me - she wrote all the things I felt ungrateful for thinking when I was a new mom. I think Ms. Halpern's novel will validate so many mothers who feel like they are literally going crazy. Yes, it all pays off in the end but you've got to admit, even "supermom" has her days.
My favorite quote:
"I tried running again this morning. Things went well for maybe a minute but then it felt like the bottom was about to drop again. What a bizarre sensation. I envision my vaginal area looking something like a hellmouth from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and if I shake it up too much, everything: demons, vampires, Fallopian tubes is going to start flying out into the new dimension I opened. Not to mention the extra sixty pounds of boob I feel like I'm toting around. I don't know if I can run even if I manage to stop up my giant nether chasm. Best walk instead."
November 4, 2017
This was a quick, funny, realistic book and I throughly enjoyed it!
October 12, 2015
If you hate cats, this is a book for you! If you're self-righteous about breastfeeding exclusively and smile on martyrdom, you'll enjoy this tale! If you think parenting will be miserable and leave you feeling like a sad sack of poo, you'll find company to commiserate with here!
This book is not funny, ascerbic, enlightening, empowering or even interesting.
This book is not funny, ascerbic, enlightening, empowering or even interesting.
September 24, 2015
This was an entertaining read. I thought I would be more into since I have two kids and actually am on maternity leave right now. But I don't feel like this character reflected the norm for the trials involved with post partum life. Yeah, it is hard and frustrating, but I really feel like she reached a level where she could have used some professional help.
I did really like how she talked about post partum sex and the ups and downs of going back to work. One minor issue I had was she ate like crap though. I kept on waiting for her slow down on the doughnuts.
I did really like how she talked about post partum sex and the ups and downs of going back to work. One minor issue I had was she ate like crap though. I kept on waiting for her slow down on the doughnuts.
October 14, 2015
I absolutely loved this book. It's written as a journal or diary entry and is a first hand account of this new mother's struggle. As a mother, reading this was funny to read the super stressing times thinking "Oh I rememeber doing this." The book is just written really well and helps you side with the character's thoughts and feelings. I'd recommend this to any of my friends who have entered motherhood or are entering.
May 23, 2023
Gosh I love books like this. This is about a woman who becomes a first time mom and she doesn't necessarily bond immediately with her son. She's more bonded to her 14 year old cat and her role as mother to a human is a little foreign for her. The book is told by how many days old her kid is and we see how she settles into the role as mom and the relatable, funny things you learn about your body/relationships/etc. throughout the process. If you are a fan of Mom Com books, I'd say give this one a shot!
June 29, 2016
I missed my fortune by not writing this book as a middle school teacher who went on maternity leave. It was pretty much every thought that went through my head during those hard, but wonderful, first three months with a new baby. As Halpern puts it, "chaotic monotony." You know, when your to-do list is a mile long, yet you can't seem to get anything done, but you're busy doing something or attempting to do something every minute of every day, in a fog from no sleep all the while. If you can relate, or even if it seems a distant memory, this book is for you!
The author's humor and vocabulary was highly entertaining as well as her writing style and wit. There is so much to relate to within the camaraderie of motherhood (figuring out how to put on the Moby Wrap is one of them), I am surprised this is one of very few books on the subject in a narrative, first-hand account. The only part I did not like about this book were comments that teetered on the edge of mental health issues that seemed to be more than Baby Blues (PPD) and were never addressed.
I laughed out loud throughout this light read (which, let's face it, is the only kind of read besides parenting books and trashy celeb mags when you're a new mom). Then I cried at the end when she had to leave her baby to go to work because you never forget what that feels like after a tiny human has solely depended on you for three months. Then I shelved the book for a friend who is going on maternity leave...
The author's humor and vocabulary was highly entertaining as well as her writing style and wit. There is so much to relate to within the camaraderie of motherhood (figuring out how to put on the Moby Wrap is one of them), I am surprised this is one of very few books on the subject in a narrative, first-hand account. The only part I did not like about this book were comments that teetered on the edge of mental health issues that seemed to be more than Baby Blues (PPD) and were never addressed.
I laughed out loud throughout this light read (which, let's face it, is the only kind of read besides parenting books and trashy celeb mags when you're a new mom). Then I cried at the end when she had to leave her baby to go to work because you never forget what that feels like after a tiny human has solely depended on you for three months. Then I shelved the book for a friend who is going on maternity leave...
November 20, 2019
3.5 Hilarious without being ridiculous. Sweet without being sentimental.
December 30, 2017
I was pretty invested while listening to this book. It made me think about my own time at home with my baby 17 years ago. Although I have certainly forgotten a lot, I am pretty sure we had it much easier than the mother in the story. I really felt for her, and it may even be an important book, because it describes the ugly side of being a new mother, in a world that tells us it should all be happiness and rainbows. But don't worry, while the writing is very realistic, the book is also funny. And it ends on a positive note.
March 17, 2016
A must-read for all new moms. Julie Halpern nails the emotional swings, the feelings of inadequacy, the deep love . . . it's so true it's scary. I especially loved her descriptions of the night during those early days. I thought I was the only one who was terrified as soon as the sun set and the world (except for the baby) went to sleep.
I read the negative reviews after finishing the book and think they mainly come from society's pressure to never admit to the pressures of motherhood. Yes, Annie appears to be suffering from a mild case of postpartum depression; yes, she eats like crap, swears a lot, and curses at the baby; and yes, she loves her child more than life itself. The more honest (and funny in this case) we can be, the better we will set new mothers up for success.
This was a fun, all-too-real, fabulous read. I respect the people who are upset with Annie's inner angst but challenge the notion that someone is a bad mom because she spends the first few months of her child's life in a hazy bubble of confusion and anxiety.
I read the negative reviews after finishing the book and think they mainly come from society's pressure to never admit to the pressures of motherhood. Yes, Annie appears to be suffering from a mild case of postpartum depression; yes, she eats like crap, swears a lot, and curses at the baby; and yes, she loves her child more than life itself. The more honest (and funny in this case) we can be, the better we will set new mothers up for success.
This was a fun, all-too-real, fabulous read. I respect the people who are upset with Annie's inner angst but challenge the notion that someone is a bad mom because she spends the first few months of her child's life in a hazy bubble of confusion and anxiety.
August 27, 2016
I know this is suppose to be a funny book. But I couldn't shake off how impeccable she told the story of life AFTER having children. I want to underline "after" twice, because the first time parents don't focus on the part after. All the books, doctor visits, friends' talks are about childbirth. This is so inefficient, because childbirth is only for few hours. Once you deliver the baby, that is forever and first months feel like forever! You almost lose the feeling of being a human. Physical strain and emotional pressure are constantly causing you to make the stupidest decisions, such as folding laundry when you have 30 min until the baby is up and you haven't slept total of 8 hours in three days.
You want to go back and never have the baby, but sheer idea of your baby being away from you for 5 min makes you cry.
Funny times :) she did a great job telling the story of a clueless first time mom with humor and facts.
You want to go back and never have the baby, but sheer idea of your baby being away from you for 5 min makes you cry.
Funny times :) she did a great job telling the story of a clueless first time mom with humor and facts.
December 14, 2015
If there were ever plans to write a story about how the first days of being a mom were, I would need to cancel them. Turns out my story has already been published - and here it is!
I could not believe how much I related to this book. Change the cat to a dog, and you had almost every crazy emotion I had felt back then. Now that my daughter is 6 months and I'm back to work, I forgot how it used to be where I would go a whole day without showering and be so mad at her dad that he got to speak with adults all day.
This book made me laugh until I cried, cry until I laughed, and made me feel nostalgic for those first days of motherhood. I recommend this to all of my mommy friends - sorry childless ones. You can read it and get a few chuckles, but you'll never understand how great this book is until you've gone through that door yourself.
I could not believe how much I related to this book. Change the cat to a dog, and you had almost every crazy emotion I had felt back then. Now that my daughter is 6 months and I'm back to work, I forgot how it used to be where I would go a whole day without showering and be so mad at her dad that he got to speak with adults all day.
This book made me laugh until I cried, cry until I laughed, and made me feel nostalgic for those first days of motherhood. I recommend this to all of my mommy friends - sorry childless ones. You can read it and get a few chuckles, but you'll never understand how great this book is until you've gone through that door yourself.
August 8, 2016
This book is great for fans of Scary Mommy. It shows the reality that having a newborn is not all sunshine and roses. (I much prefer the stage my 3yo is currently in, even with his occasional sass.) It's written in a diary style, which I liked, and helped it to be the fastest I've read a book this year.
February 4, 2016
Hilarious book, best sarcasm I've ever read in a book!
February 18, 2021
I’d give this book 4.5 out of 5 stars. I listened to it via audiobook. It’s a hilarious take on being a new mom. It’s a story about a woman, Anne, who is a middle school teacher. She had her son, Sam, and goes on maternity leave. She has support from her mom, husband and friends, yet still feels isolated in certain ways. I’m currently on maternity leave. While the story is relatable it definitely is a bit dramatic. I’m sure this is done to capture interest. I don’t find motherhood quite as excruciating as the author, yet there are parts of it that are laugh out loud funny because you just “get it.” I plan to recommend it to all of my new mom friends!
August 14, 2021
Bought this book just because I was on maternity leave. And boy, I started reading it when I'm on maternity leave, and finished it when I've already started working.
At one point I feel totally relatable to the main character. I love how the author reflects the reality of a mother. The messiness a mother have to put up with the newborns. The sleepless nights. The 'this-baby-wont-stop-crying', etc. But through out time, things ease, and everything gets better. Baby is adjusted to the world and the environment and just like the mother is adjusted to the baby.
At one point I feel totally relatable to the main character. I love how the author reflects the reality of a mother. The messiness a mother have to put up with the newborns. The sleepless nights. The 'this-baby-wont-stop-crying', etc. But through out time, things ease, and everything gets better. Baby is adjusted to the world and the environment and just like the mother is adjusted to the baby.
October 13, 2017
I listened to the audiobook version of this book. It sounded like a series of journal entries from a stay-at-home mom caring for her newborn son. Annie is a 36 year old middle school teacher with a doting husband, a caring mother, and a healthy peppering of snark used to describe her exhaustion in caring for her new baby. To read the rest of this review and listen to audiobook excerpt of the book click here
October 13, 2022
Working on writing my review now. It shall be posted here after I have completed it to my satisfaction.
February 11, 2021
I think my friends (moms club) will enjoy reading this book ❤️
November 21, 2015
There were a lot of moments while reading this where I identified COMPLETELY with the protagonist. However, she was so negative about motherhood and her baby for so much of the book. The part that got me was wavering about potentially loving her cat more than her kid. I know it takes a lot of people some time to feel like they know their baby and are completely obsessed with them (it did for me), but I never questioned that I would do anything for mine. My impression was that Annie had postpartum depression for most of the book. And then at the end, without dealing with it, she was suddenly better? It did capture the experience of new motherhood really well, but she was too down on her baby for it to be too realistic for me. Also, I keep hearing how hilarious this book is. I felt like the author was trying too hard to be funny by swearing a lot. I take no issue with swearing, I just don't think a lot of cursing necessarily equals humor.
September 27, 2015
I received this book as a giveaway on Goodreads website .,which I appreciate the author sharing there.
I thought this book funny and enertaining from the beginning ,but then it concentrated so much on describing her experiences with too much profanity .The book centered so much on the poop and the sore boobs that for me it took away from the storyline of a obviously VERY talented writer!!The author has such a great gift of describing the experience of her first child from birth ,through nursing and all the other sleep deprived experiences new mothers have ..
I hope we see meny more books from this author ,but I hope she uses less profanity in her future writings .I would have rated this book a big 5 Star if it were not the fact i believe this author can give us some great novels in the future and capture a wider reader audience if she uses less profanity in her experiences .
I thought this book funny and enertaining from the beginning ,but then it concentrated so much on describing her experiences with too much profanity .The book centered so much on the poop and the sore boobs that for me it took away from the storyline of a obviously VERY talented writer!!The author has such a great gift of describing the experience of her first child from birth ,through nursing and all the other sleep deprived experiences new mothers have ..
I hope we see meny more books from this author ,but I hope she uses less profanity in her future writings .I would have rated this book a big 5 Star if it were not the fact i believe this author can give us some great novels in the future and capture a wider reader audience if she uses less profanity in her experiences .
September 17, 2015
I won this book from the Goodreads contest and finally had a chance to read it. How I received this book has no impact on my review.
I really liked this book. I felt that the author did a great job really portraying life with a newborn and the struggle to learn how to deal with everything life throws at you while caring for a newborn. While I feel that the book would have been mildly amusing had I not had kids, this was a spot on, laugh out loud book for me that I could really relate to. I feel it was so spot on because I had been there in many of the situations. This is definitely a book I will be recommending to my friends who have children. Overall, the book was a quick and easy, fun read.
I really liked this book. I felt that the author did a great job really portraying life with a newborn and the struggle to learn how to deal with everything life throws at you while caring for a newborn. While I feel that the book would have been mildly amusing had I not had kids, this was a spot on, laugh out loud book for me that I could really relate to. I feel it was so spot on because I had been there in many of the situations. This is definitely a book I will be recommending to my friends who have children. Overall, the book was a quick and easy, fun read.
May 24, 2015
Loved it! Funny, fast-paced, relatable, realistic, irreverent. Written in journal style, this book follows the journey of a new mom from birth through her baby's first six months. Read this while nursing my own six month old. He's my fourth and my instant love, connection, and nostalgia over fleeting babyhood is well-established at this point, but I well remember the confusion, frustration, and sometimes even despair that I felt as a first-time mother and this book covers it well.
(Lots of profanity, which isn't really my thing. And, snarky remarks about facebook friends which rang very true!)
Received a complimentary advance copy for review.
(Lots of profanity, which isn't really my thing. And, snarky remarks about facebook friends which rang very true!)
Received a complimentary advance copy for review.
October 2, 2015
If Jen Lancaster had a baby, this is the book she would write. I'm generally not a fan of Jen Lancaster because I think she has an inflated sense of self. You can't maintain that and have a baby. Halpern accurately portrays exactly what it is like to have a baby and stay home with it for a while. It is amazing, life-changing, joyous, hellacious, mind-numbing, painful, exhausting, and educational all at the same time. You will laugh and cry, often together. Halpern has put all of that on the page in a very realistic way. Do not give this to your pregnant friends (they won't believe it and it might scare them). Instead, enjoy it with your mom friends and relieve the joy and the agony.
October 15, 2015
I just love Julie Halpern. She wrote GEEK GIRL which was fantastic and now this. She brings it all back, the feeling of complete cluelessness when you bring home a new baby. The boredom combined with the feeling that you never stop doing stuff. She nails it. Not much happens, a new mom brings her son home and with the help of an adorable husband, a smart mother, and a beloved cat, gets used to the new life she created. Wow. That makes is sound super-sappy. But it isn't it's smart and funny and feels 100% true.
February 2, 2016
This book begins the day Annie gives birth to her first chick and ends when she returns to her job almost 6 months later. The book is divided into sections as the baby ages-one day old, two days old, etc. Annie has an awfully hard time with breastfeeding, but she sticks with it. Most of her days and especially her nights are horrible. I laughed out loud as well as cried while reading this book. It is a delightful book and one everyone needs to read. I loved Sam, Zach, Annie, and Doogan!
May 20, 2018
This book had me cracking up from beginning to end. Highly recommended to all women with kids, or considering it. Very honest day by day account of what life with a newborn (and your new post baby body) is like. Makes me feel less alone in my crazy thoughts and worries.
Oh and this book was obtained from Goodreads First Reads giveaway program, definitely one I was very excited to win.
Oh and this book was obtained from Goodreads First Reads giveaway program, definitely one I was very excited to win.
September 20, 2015
This book made me laugh out loud more than once, and it also made my husband laugh out loud when I read parts of it to him. (The made-up lyrics to the lullaby were genius.) The problem is that it kind of dribbled off toward the end. I'm not sure the author had a definite plan for how it was going to end. Otherwise, a fast, amusing read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 182 reviews