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The Game Theorist's Guide to Parenting: How the Science of Strategic Thinking Can Help You Deal with the Toughest Negotiators You Know—Your Kids
“I absolutely loved this book, both as a parent and as a nerd.” —Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of FailureDelightfully witty, refreshingly irreverent, and just a bit Machiavellian, The Game Theorist’s Guide to Parenting looks past the fads to offer advice you can put into action today. As every parent knows, kids are surprisingly clever negotiators. But how can we avoid those all-too-familiar wails of “That’s not fair!” and “You can’t make me!”? In The Game Theorist’s Guide to Parenting, the award-winning journalist and father of five Paul Raeburn and the game theorist Kevin Zollman pair up to highlight tactics from the worlds of economics and business that can help parents break the endless cycle of quarrels and ineffective solutions. Raeburn and Zollman show that some of the same strategies successfully applied to big business deals and politics—such as the Prisoner’s Dilemma and the Ultimatum Game—can be used to solve such titanic, age-old parenting problems as dividing up toys, keeping the peace on long car rides, and sticking to homework routines. Raeburn and Zollman open each chapter with a common parenting dilemma. Then they show how carefully concocted schemes involving bargains and fair incentives can save the day. Through smart case studies of game theory in action, Raeburn and Zollman reveal how parents and children devise strategies, where those strategies go wrong, and what we can do to help raise happy and savvy kids while keeping the rest of the family happy too.
242 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 5, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 59 reviews
February 9, 2017
This kind of thing is so much up my alley that I bought it as soon as I saw an ad for it. But I have to say that while it is a very decent introduction to game theory (minus all the actual equations) it is not my style in terms of parenting advice. It's pretty adverserial. Not surprising I guess, given the subject matter. But I think "Machiavellian" is actually used in the back-cover description, and I think that's about right. I guess what I learned from this book is that I really do want a relationship with my kids that's about more than rewards and punishments, rules and strategies, bluffing and calling bluffs. I want a relationship that's not about winners and losers. I would not want to be raised this way. It does get into the value of empathy and altruism in game theory terms toward the end. But I kind of think those should be the whole point of a parenting book, that they should be factored into every scenario here.
November 4, 2016
This was such fun, and I don’t even have kids! The book beautifully explains and considers applications (to [co-]parenting) of:
1. Fair division algorithms (I cut you pick, adjusted winner, balanced alternation).
2. Auctions (1st & 2nd price, Dutch, and English clock).
3. Of course, canonical games (ultimatum, dictator, iterated prisoner’s dilemma, and so on).
4. A potpourri of game theoretic concepts ([in]credible threats, punishment, reputation, pre-commitment, moral hazard, cheap talk, costly signaling, Zahavi’s handicap principle, the tit-for-tat strategy).
5. Nash equilibria (nicely, in terms of social conventions à la David Lewis).
6. And voting theory (voting rules like plurality and Borda count, and no-go results like Arrow’s theorem and the Gibbard-Satterthwaite theorem).
The explanations also touch lightly, but thoughtfully, on topics ranging from behavioral economics to the evolution of morality. This is a gem, and it gets my vote for the most enjoyable gift for a game theorist that I’ve run into yet. ^_^
A caveat: I am, indeed, a game theorist, and while I do think non-game theorists may thoroughly enjoy this book (especially if they're parents) as it's certainly written in a very accessible way, I'm well aware that a good part of my enjoyment in it stems from seeing thoughtful and playful applications of concepts that I'm familiar with.
1. Fair division algorithms (I cut you pick, adjusted winner, balanced alternation).
2. Auctions (1st & 2nd price, Dutch, and English clock).
3. Of course, canonical games (ultimatum, dictator, iterated prisoner’s dilemma, and so on).
4. A potpourri of game theoretic concepts ([in]credible threats, punishment, reputation, pre-commitment, moral hazard, cheap talk, costly signaling, Zahavi’s handicap principle, the tit-for-tat strategy).
5. Nash equilibria (nicely, in terms of social conventions à la David Lewis).
6. And voting theory (voting rules like plurality and Borda count, and no-go results like Arrow’s theorem and the Gibbard-Satterthwaite theorem).
The explanations also touch lightly, but thoughtfully, on topics ranging from behavioral economics to the evolution of morality. This is a gem, and it gets my vote for the most enjoyable gift for a game theorist that I’ve run into yet. ^_^
A caveat: I am, indeed, a game theorist, and while I do think non-game theorists may thoroughly enjoy this book (especially if they're parents) as it's certainly written in a very accessible way, I'm well aware that a good part of my enjoyment in it stems from seeing thoughtful and playful applications of concepts that I'm familiar with.
January 23, 2018
"In game theory, it serves you to be two-faced. Be everyone's friend 'til the moment you're not. Make them love you so much that when they're up against you, their own loyalty will act against their own self-interests. That's game theory.
A cold rational focus on winning, even if it's at everyone else's expense....In true game theory, everyone is a contingency. You meet people, you bring them into your life, you keep them percolating until the moment you need to manipulate the relationship to your advantage."
- Poseidon about Kaniel Outis | Prison Break, Season 5
A Definition that tells Game theory is all about deception and manipulation.
After all, the definition came from the antagonist of the series; one can not expect a positive outlook on it. Further events in the series, confirms that there are ways to use Game theory for greater good. Definitely Scoffield was not a creep who practices Game theory. A series worth binge-watching! Okay. That's the story of how I got introduced to Game theory. Let us see what this book says about Game theory.
Game theory is not about deception. It’s about being smart in dealings with other people—understanding how people are likely to behave, and devising a strategy that will produce the outcome we’re looking for.
All it takes is a little thought, a little economics, a little psychology—and a little practice. We’re talking about evidence-based parenting. Not fads, not guesses, not tricks. In the best of circumstances, you will create a win-win situation. Not only will you reduce conflict and encourage your children to do what they should, you will also be teaching them strategies for solving problems they will face long after leaving the family and starting out on their own. Game theory works.
This sets the right attitude towards the book. There are lots of references to research, studies based on the behavior of birds, fireflies, bonobos, peacocks & bowhead whales. Few of them are interesting to understand the theories better; sometimes I felt bit boring though. Parents with more than one child would benefit a lot from this book I guess; In many places, there are tips and tricks to handle sibling conflicts. Tips which would teach the kids what is fairness and why does it matter. Even without reading this book or knowing what is a game theory about, parents might be practicing it for ages; just like my parents did, but a book like this would be handier and help us to be a better parent. To sum it up,
Our kids are nice. They’re very responsive to the messages we’re sending. They’re not just selfish machines; even though they are not born with fairness. They’re built to care for other people.
It takes time for them to understand what is fairness, why they will have a better life if they act as moral people, because the short-term costs of being a moral person, of not being selfish, have long-term benefits.
Game theory can help us in this process, to understand why it can make sense to share, to be honest, and to cooperate. We can play the Ultimatum Game, the Prisoner’s Dilemma, envy free dicision, giving credible threats and other game-theory games for years with our children before they face the real world. Game theory can help us know why our kids behave the way they do. And it shows us what we can do to ease tensions in our family and to teach our kids some of the notions of fairness, generosity, and sharing that make them “nice,”
Finally, A good game theorist always knows the limitations of each strategy. If the odds are high that these limitations don't give win-win solution, we are left with the last most disappointing, way nature deals with parenting: Just live with it!
A good read!
August 12, 2016
The idea of using game theory to help improve parenting skills and avert family conflicts is, frankly, genius. The book delivers on its promise of outlining strategies to help kids pitch in with chores, do their homework, tell the truth and share, among other behaviors crucial to a smoothly running household. The strategies are not necessarily new (for example, the you-split-I-choose method of apportioning goodies among competing kids), but many useful ones will be unfamiliar to readers and ripe for use at home (for example, having kids participate in auctions for something they want—auctions in which they compete by bidding chores they are willing to do in return).
The game theory concepts and math underlying the strategies are explained generally—and often humorously (the authors are very obviously parents of devious children, which is to say, parents of children)—and with plenty of examples of how they work in everyday life.
The game theory concepts and math underlying the strategies are explained generally—and often humorously (the authors are very obviously parents of devious children, which is to say, parents of children)—and with plenty of examples of how they work in everyday life.
November 2, 2016
I admit that I didn't really know what "game theory" was when I picked this up --- and it, sadly, has nothing to do with video game development. If I had known that "game theory" is a mathematics- psychology- philosophy hybrid applied to "conflict resolution and cooperation" I probably would have passed it by, since I have very little knowledge of those things, and I'm not a parent, either. But this is a surprisingly readable little book, with some very real-life examples that you don't have to be a parent to appreciate: you just have to have been a kid. It does make family relationships seem highly adversarial, but the focus is on conflict and disagreements, and isn't meant to be a comprehensive parenting guide.
November 9, 2021
I really enjoyed this! My first real introduction to game theory. It was fun to approach common parenting situations from this perspective, although I should note that ideally most of these would be better replaced by general compassion and empathy. But kids are kids and often need some help in that area, so these ideas could be helpful. Mostly just a "hmm, that's interesting" book. I don't know who much I'll actually use though.
Some random takeaways:
- Where possible, frame punishments in terms of rewards.
- Don't make threats or promises you aren't willing to carry through.
- I cut, you pick is an easy way to divide something everyone wants, although this gets trickier when more people are involved.
- Be careful with how you set up incentives. Impossible goals lead to lower self-esteem or cutting corners, while too easy goals may incentivize laziness.
- Try to set up self-enforcing agreements that kids will want to keep.
Some random takeaways:
- Where possible, frame punishments in terms of rewards.
- Don't make threats or promises you aren't willing to carry through.
- I cut, you pick is an easy way to divide something everyone wants, although this gets trickier when more people are involved.
- Be careful with how you set up incentives. Impossible goals lead to lower self-esteem or cutting corners, while too easy goals may incentivize laziness.
- Try to set up self-enforcing agreements that kids will want to keep.
March 23, 2020
In general this book is interesting, well written and well edited, which I find refreshing. When the writers outline practical applications for their theories they give good real-life examples. The summary at the end of each chapter is also a good idea. On the other hand the book is aimed at parents with more than one kid.
Although there are practical examples for how to apply game theory there aren't that many compared to the pages and pages you read about game theory. The writers include personal jokes or stories about themselves, but after a while the pally-ness starts to get a bit much.
Although the ideas can be applied universally the book is pretty USA-centric. Any place names or university names are American. It would have been good to have some other places. Overall, worth the read.
Although there are practical examples for how to apply game theory there aren't that many compared to the pages and pages you read about game theory. The writers include personal jokes or stories about themselves, but after a while the pally-ness starts to get a bit much.
Although the ideas can be applied universally the book is pretty USA-centric. Any place names or university names are American. It would have been good to have some other places. Overall, worth the read.
September 29, 2016
Great parenting book for the nerdy. Raeburn and Zollman use game theory - which unites classical economics with behavioral science and gives it a spin - to describe family dynamics and help plan for successful parenting.
For the first 2/3, it's interesting but I felt that as an experienced parent, the theories mostly explained what I've witnessed, rather than taught me new techniques. However, the last third really introduced some new ideas. I've implemented a couple already, and I'm seeing a difference.
Zippy writing and a positive, upbeat style make a challenging topic lucid enough for the layman.
For the first 2/3, it's interesting but I felt that as an experienced parent, the theories mostly explained what I've witnessed, rather than taught me new techniques. However, the last third really introduced some new ideas. I've implemented a couple already, and I'm seeing a difference.
Zippy writing and a positive, upbeat style make a challenging topic lucid enough for the layman.
April 14, 2020
I'm surprised at how good this book is. It's not a parenting manual; it's not a game theory book. They take pains to never, ever be specific about any of the math or to have any equation, anywhere. I was expecting the result of trying to steer between a parenting how-to and a game theory explainer to be a mushy disaster, but they pulled it off pretty well.
So, don't expect extremely profound parenting advice or strategy; similarly, don't expect thorough or deep game theory. But what you do get is a nice, breezy mix of the two.
So, don't expect extremely profound parenting advice or strategy; similarly, don't expect thorough or deep game theory. But what you do get is a nice, breezy mix of the two.
April 21, 2020
The lessons in this book are designed for kids in the 5-16 age range, so parents of younger children probably won't get any immediate fixes for the challenges that they face. The authors offer some fun anecdotes about parenting, and different ways of thinking about equity among children, and helpfully, methods to build trust and peace among rival siblings. I plan on revisiitng this book when my kid ages into the optimal range, but until then, I will have to appreciate some of the game theory constructus that the book provided.
June 14, 2020
The idea of the book is amazing: use game theories to educate your children, teach them to share and behave in a manners of social norms. But, I expected a bit deeper insights and more explanations about the methods impact. What was driving me crazy - many examples included two children, many theories were amazing - again - for two children, but what if I don’t have two, how I should use it? That wasn’t sure in some cases and I felt upset about it.
I rated this book 3/5, because it’s not too deep, not too good, but worth reading and catching interesting ideas to search for more.
I rated this book 3/5, because it’s not too deep, not too good, but worth reading and catching interesting ideas to search for more.
June 25, 2017
A few interesting strategies to solve arguments between fighting kids - in particular the "cutting the cake" and "trade" solutions could defuse a few situations. But then the solutions fall to the same problem that game theory itself suffers - the "solution" becomes so complex that you have to keep a spreadsheet while the problem requires an immediate resolution.
If you're looking for ways to deal with fighting kids, pick up a parenting book instead.
If you're looking for ways to deal with fighting kids, pick up a parenting book instead.
May 31, 2017
Good, but perhaps I was too unfocused. While it was interesting, my son is 2 1/2. So, most of the negotiation tactics aren't relevant. Also, a lot of the tactics were directed at parents with multiple children. Tactics used during negotiations between children.
March 23, 2018
The Game Theorists Guide to Parenting applies the strategies of game theory to various parenting scenarios to offer tips and advice through humorous anecdotes and various experiments that the authors did in game theory. This uses some of the classical tactics of game theory including prisoners dilemma and Nash Equilibrium to describe some of the possible outcomes. The basics of game theory such as I cut you pick are covered early on for those where two siblings are present as a way to forestall sibling arguments and a website is provided for more complicated games involving more than 2 kids (www.spliddit.org) although the real lesson is that more than 2 is guaranteed to increase the number of sibling arguments as anyone who has tried to run a game theory experiment with more than two players will know. The book moves on to other simple games such as bidding for privileges with something such as points or chores that are allotted in an equal manner to each participant.
The book moves on to the concept of fairness and value with the understanding of the participants (ie kids point of view) and valuing relative gains amongst children. The idea is for a Patero equilibrium to be established but it should be noted that fairness takes time to develop and will not be readily apparent in very young children since understanding fairness also means understanding empathy. The book also covers the idea of punishments and maintain consistency and repetition as most parents book do but goes into why this maters from a game theory perspective. It should be noted that when evaluating punishments an awareness of what your child can perceive about future value weighs into whether or not the punishment will be effective. This goes into the habits of moral hazard (lying) when dealing with children and them not understanding the lost value of not being truthful or understanding reputation.
Finally the book ends on family dynamics with a look at how families make decisions and the hazards of voting. If using more than 2 options the Borda count is one way to address the inequities of voting on a single option and the strategic voting option needs to be guarded against to ensure the optimal outcomes for each player of the game.
Overall for the math and econ nerds this is a great read and covers game theory in a straightforward and simple manner for those who have not heard of it before. It is very enjoyable and a quick read!
The book moves on to the concept of fairness and value with the understanding of the participants (ie kids point of view) and valuing relative gains amongst children. The idea is for a Patero equilibrium to be established but it should be noted that fairness takes time to develop and will not be readily apparent in very young children since understanding fairness also means understanding empathy. The book also covers the idea of punishments and maintain consistency and repetition as most parents book do but goes into why this maters from a game theory perspective. It should be noted that when evaluating punishments an awareness of what your child can perceive about future value weighs into whether or not the punishment will be effective. This goes into the habits of moral hazard (lying) when dealing with children and them not understanding the lost value of not being truthful or understanding reputation.
Finally the book ends on family dynamics with a look at how families make decisions and the hazards of voting. If using more than 2 options the Borda count is one way to address the inequities of voting on a single option and the strategic voting option needs to be guarded against to ensure the optimal outcomes for each player of the game.
Overall for the math and econ nerds this is a great read and covers game theory in a straightforward and simple manner for those who have not heard of it before. It is very enjoyable and a quick read!
February 15, 2020
This book explains basic game theories in a concise, relatable way that everyone, especially time-pressed parents, will find easy to consume.
The strategies shared are intelligent and based in research (but of course, game theory) but it will require lots more work to consider how to actually apply them holistically in households like mine, with irrational 4- and 2-year-olds whose energy levels are often indirectly proportionate to mine. High-stressed, desperate parents seeking instant panacea to their child-rearing woes (think 1-min microwaveable mush) may possibly be in for more than a little disappointment.
Still, the authors understand that parents, just like children, need all the extra bit of help they can get. As a bonus, they have included a little summary box at the end of the chapters that sums up practical reminders and tactics.
Surprised myself by how much I enjoyed it, even as I understand the limited applicability for the day-to-day. The brand of humour (the specific kind that really only belongs to economists, mathematicians) sits very well with me too, making the book a much welcomed source of entertainment.
The strategies shared are intelligent and based in research (but of course, game theory) but it will require lots more work to consider how to actually apply them holistically in households like mine, with irrational 4- and 2-year-olds whose energy levels are often indirectly proportionate to mine. High-stressed, desperate parents seeking instant panacea to their child-rearing woes (think 1-min microwaveable mush) may possibly be in for more than a little disappointment.
Still, the authors understand that parents, just like children, need all the extra bit of help they can get. As a bonus, they have included a little summary box at the end of the chapters that sums up practical reminders and tactics.
Surprised myself by how much I enjoyed it, even as I understand the limited applicability for the day-to-day. The brand of humour (the specific kind that really only belongs to economists, mathematicians) sits very well with me too, making the book a much welcomed source of entertainment.
July 4, 2025
This was great. Wish I had had it 40 years ago. You have to love chapter titles like, "He Started it!" and "He Got a LEGO set? That's Not Fair!" I really liked the chapter on using auctions to deal with kid disputes (and I had no idea there were so many different kinds of auctions to choose from). And who would have thought the Nash Equilibrium could apply to parenting?
I was amused in the introduction when the authors recounted that the president of an electronics company who wanted to auction off his $20m art collection couldn't decide among three auction houses that were vying for the job. He settled the matter by requiring them to send representatives in to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. The winner would sell the art (Christie's had a strategy based on consultation with two eleven-year-olds, and won by picking scissors).
I was amused in the introduction when the authors recounted that the president of an electronics company who wanted to auction off his $20m art collection couldn't decide among three auction houses that were vying for the job. He settled the matter by requiring them to send representatives in to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. The winner would sell the art (Christie's had a strategy based on consultation with two eleven-year-olds, and won by picking scissors).
August 10, 2017
This is actually a brief, low-key, boiled down introduction to game theory. By focusing it on parenting scenarios, the authors have made it easier to understand. Its still not that helpful for parenting. The crucial flaw, like most books of this kind, is that it assumes a child is a rational being. Even after they admit children can be spiteful and take that into account, they still fail to understand the sheer level of irrationality children can possess. You can't appeal to self-interest when there is zero understanding of cause and effect. Just sayin'.
December 14, 2022
Pretty breezy (non pejorative) overview of the main tenets of game theory as it is currently practiced. I’m not a parent so I can’t evaluate it’s efficacy as a guide but overall enjoyable read. I think the explanation of Nash Equilibrium could’ve used some work. I was a little surprised how Econ focused the book is especially in the first half not a bad thing I supposed but applications to biology and politics get a decent treatment.
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May 26, 2023I love game theory and I'm a parent, but I didn't find this book that helpful. The book doesn't actually discuss parenting as much as I wanted it to--it is more of a general discussion of game theory, with some parenting examples thrown in. It feels like the research and theory is first, and the parenting is second. It is coherent with some interesting points.
May 7, 2017
This is an informative and accessible intro to a number of core topics in game theory for anyone, not just parents. I'm going to use some of the strategies to help incentivize my students to do their work.
August 11, 2017
Game theory is an interesting subject and the authors do a good job relating it to raising and teaching kids. However, after a few chapters, you basically get the idea. Stop me if you've heard this before, but it could have easily been an article.
March 20, 2018
Good book. Useful for parents and teachers. It is a good introduction to game theory concepts because of the application of those concepts and the intuitive clarity of the book. Worth a read, especially for parents and teachers.
September 2, 2018
Highly recommend it as an interesting way to help teach kids how to negotiate and work through conflict. As a parent it also gives you interesting insight in how to teach kids how to settle disputes with siblings etc.
July 26, 2019
I would have enjoyed it more if it sell as an introduction to game theory, rather than a parenting book. While explaining the theory in easy way, no much focus on practice and how to apply in real life on your kids.
March 28, 2020
Entertaining read on applying game theory concepts to parenting problems, and some of it might be fun to try... but in general we implement a lot of this without thinking about it. It's not the most useful practical parenting guide out there, but I enjoyed listening to the audiobook.
August 2, 2020
Good read. If you want to learn about game theory. I'm skeptical if it'll work on children, but it's definitely worth knowing. Everything is explained with good and often funny examples. I've enjoyed reading it.
January 21, 2022
I found it a bit repetitive. If you don’t have any background in Game Theory then I guess it’s fine, but if you have seen a bit of it before then the book does drag a bit. It’s ok i guess, I’d give it 2.5 stars if that was possible, since it is not then 3 it is.
August 15, 2022
Basic Game Theory through the prism of parenting - not the other way round (learnt years ago…).
One interesting take away though which prevents this being a 1*- reward structures should be exponential to reflect difficulty in achievements being rewarded not linear.
One interesting take away though which prevents this being a 1*- reward structures should be exponential to reflect difficulty in achievements being rewarded not linear.
November 27, 2024
Impressively well written and concise. A lot of it was either obvious or stuff that I had already learned elsewhere, but there were at least a couple novel bits and it’s both a fun topic and well-executed.
June 8, 2017
This book not only provides useful advice for dealing with children, but it also provides an entertaining introduction to many important ideas from Game Theory.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 59 reviews