Black Lotus: A Woman's Search for Racial Identity

by Sil Lai Abrams

A Simon & Schuster eBook. Simon & Schuster has a great book for every reader.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, Race, African American, Biography, Aapi

369 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2016

Reviews

[Esil · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Black Lotus is not perfect, but it made for a compelling read. Sil Lai Abrams recounts her experience growing up and in her earlier adult years as the child of a Chinese woman and a black American father, who was raised by her white stepfather. She had to figure out for herself that her father was black because no one would tell her. As a kid and teenager, she had to struggle with a strong sense of not fitting in, while working to "pass" in a predominantly white Florida neighbourhood. As an adult, she moved to New York, and developed a strong sense of identity as a black woman. What I liked about Black Lotus is that Abrams gives a very strong sense of what it felt like to be in her unique shoes -- her narrative is at times painfully honest and not always self-flattering. While race is the excuse for her book, the real focus of her book are the psychic scars she bears from being abandoned by her mother, never knowing her biological father, and being raised by a cold narcissistic stepfather. It's a lot to live with and it's a lot of anger to write about. As a reader, at times the anger, resentment and reckoning were a bit exhausting -- there were many years of bad relationships, couch surfing and alcohol abuse. And at times, Abrams's voice was a bit preachy. But still, Abrams had me reading and interested. Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an advance copy.

[Sil · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm biased.

[Marcie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a firm believer that each and every person has a story that's worth telling and I am glad that Sil Lai Abrams chose to share her personal journey with the world. On the surface, her story mirrors those of countless people of mixed heritage whose identities are continually questioned in a society that oftentimes views "otherness" in a negative light, but Abrams' story is much more complex.

In this page-turning memoir, Abrams provides you with insight into the mind of a woman who is struggling to move beyond the pain of having an absentee mother, an emotionally unavailable father, lies about her true heritage, generational addictions, and emotional/physical abuse.

However, in spite of Abrams' challenges - within her family, within a racist and sexist society, and within herself - she has been able to rise above those things that sought to destroy her and emerge as a victorious woman who has defined herself for herself, without apology. I highly recommend this book.

[Patty · Rating 2 out of 5]

I should probably start off this review by saying that I'm not a huge fan of memoirs in general, and I picked up this book more because I wanted a discussion on race, and not so much for the story of someone's traumatizing childhood. Well, too bad for me, because this book is pretty much entirely the second and not the first.

Sil Lai Abrams is the daughter of a Chinese woman and a white American man, or so she believed. She discovers as a teenager that her mother actually had an affair shortly before her parents' wedding and Abrams is therefore the daughter of an unknown black man. Things are complicated further by the fact that her mother abandons the family when Abrams is only four, leaving Abrams to be raised by her (not biological) father and eventually his new wife, who is also white. There are certainly interesting things to say about mixed race families and the difficulties of white parents raising children who will experience racism, or the differences in life experience between between being mixed Chinese and white versus mixed Chinese and black. Unfortunately Abrams says none of them.

She spends significant portions of the book being furious with her father for lying to her about being her "real" dad, though honestly I can't imagine a lot of parents choosing to explain about their absentee spouse's affair to their eight-year-old child, especially back in the 1970s. Which doesn't mean it's the right choice, necessarily! Just that I have sympathy for why someone might do so, while Abrams seems to sincerely believe her father was entirely motivated by maliciousness or laziness.

And speaking of ascribing weird motives to others, there was a scene between thirteen-year-old Abrams and her step-mother that I found so indescribably bizarre that I have to share it with you all. Abrams is grounded to her room when her step-mother allows some neighborhood kids to play in their backyard pool:
The sense of betrayal was overwhelming. I felt like I was in the movie Carrie, in the scene where the pig’s blood was dumped over her head. Only I wasn’t the prom queen, but a thirteen-year-old girl stuck in her room, without any agency. And my tormentors weren’t the “cool” kids but my best friends, who were invading my territory and worse, my safe haven. Showing me through their laughing and splashing that they didn’t give a damn about our friendship or my feelings.
My indignation erupted with an emotional frenzy that bordered on pathological. Trapped in my room, I was unable to defend myself from this blatant encroachment on my personal space by my frenemies.
So I did the only thing I could at the time, which was to stew and plot my revenge. After a half hour or so, I saw Mom open the kitchen door that led to the patio. Leaning partially out the doorway, she called out, “Are you girls okay?”
“Yes, Mrs. Baber,” they happily replied in unison.
“Okay, just checking on you! Have fun!” she said.
As Mom began to close the door our eyes met, and that’s when I saw it. Emanating from her blue gray orbs like radio waves, I saw a smile crinkling the corners of her eyes that spread to her mouth as it slowly curved into the slightest grin.
In that instant, I realized that Mom had intentionally let my friends swim in our pool knowing that we were in an argument. She wasn’t naïve; she knew exactly what she was doing. Mom had let my friends play in our pool while I was on restriction to punish me for my insolence. To further drive home the fact that she was the boss, not me.
As the awareness of her power play slowly began to sink in, a new, larger thought began to drown out the gleeful sounds of my “friends” splashing in my pool. Mom could also be motivated by malice, or at the very least, the need to win. When our eyes connected I saw her smugness and triumph.
Realizing that Mom was capable of willfully inflicting emotional harm on me irreversibly changed our relationship. And the fact that she would use my friends to do it was unforgivable. On that hot summer day in 1983, Mom became my enemy. Someone to be destroyed, lest I be destroyed.

I mean, it's certainly realistic that a thirteen year old would find this an act of irredeemable betrayal! I just find an adult retelling it without any greater perspective to be unsympathetic. A great deal of the book was like this to me. Which makes me feel guilty, because I don't want to be some gatekeeper of whether or not anyone's childhood was traumatic "enough". If it hurt you, then it hurt you, regardless of what the effect might have been on someone else. And yet so many of the incidents that Abrams recounts are so minor, so unremarkable, that I couldn't help rolling my eyes. And she herself is prone, from her own account, to intense personal relationships that burn out as quickly as they start, which leads to her dumping people for tiny slights. She seems to have no awareness of this aspect to her behavior, which makes me take the rest of her account with a grain of salt.

Also the book randomly became a celebrity tell-all for several chapters. I definitely picked up a A Woman’s Search for Racial Identity because I wanted to know what it was like to go on a date with Eddie Murphy.

Abram's writing is shallow and self-pitying, with no insight beyond "and everyone was mean to me and it sucked". Here's a sample of it at its most faux-deep and glurge-y:
The unanswered prayers of a child never go away. They recede into hidden compartments in the child’s heart. Calcifying, layer by layer, with each failed intervention from a kinder, forgiving life force. Slowly the innocence begins to drain out of the child’s soul. Smiling eyes become distrustful. Warmth is replaced with coolness. Faith is transformed into fear as the optimistic child becomes a wary skeptic.
It's like a Chicken Soup for the Soul story extended to three hundred pages!

I don't know. I made a dozen bookmarks while I was reading this, because there were so many places she contradicted herself, made unbelievable claims, or treated others badly with no regard for her own actions. But I don't think I need to add them all, if only because this review would be enormous. It's a self-centered, willfully oblivious book, with nothing of interest to say.

I read this as an ARC via NetGalley.

[TaRessa Stovall · Rating 5 out of 5]

BLACK LOTUS: A Woman's Search for Racial Identity by Sil Lai Abrams is an extraordinary journey through a maze of drama, dysfunction and deception in which a girl fights to not just survive, but to move through the world determined to find and live her truth, no matter the cost. Sil Lai Abrams lays bare her family dynamics with a sharp unsentimental eye, pulling the reader into the environment she must learn to navigate while the ground under her young feet is constantly shifting. BLACK LOTUS illuminates issues around racial identity against a backdrop of lies and attacks that have the potential to turn her into a "tragic" Mixed character, but instead send her on a quest for empowerment. I highly recommend this book for its rich, resonant writing, sharp insights and intriguing revelations of an unfolding sense of self. You will be intrigued, you might even be enlightened, but you will never be bored with this book.

[Ashlea Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in hopes of understanding the feelings of my biracial stepdaughter, who has been let down and abandoned by her mother over and over and who up until last month had a white man listed on her birth certificate instead of my black husband. However, I ended up reconnecting with myself. Abrams' encounters with whites in the 1980's and 1990's mirrors my own experiences as a biracial child. Encounters I shrugged off as personality quirks or worse, "the norm" were actually racial microaggressions that tore down a once confident child and added to an already insecure, pubescent teen and later adult.

I know Abrams left out major details about her children for their own privacy, but I found myself identifying with both of them and wanting to know more about them. At times, I am proud and confident in my blackness and at others, I just want to blend in or feel "multiracial" rather than black. One of the most important thing that this book did was expose that blacks are not monolithic, but that no matter where we live and how we grew up, each of us has lived the black experience. What a beautiful and painful experience it is.

Abrams' book not only shed light on race relations, but family dynamics and domestic violence. While Abrams lived a comfortable life in California & Florida, the lack of emotion from the people who were supposed to provide unconditional love is appalling. However, it is a reality for a lot of people.

There were no heroes in her story. Abrams did not sugarcoat anything. Even those who seemed to have her best interest at hear eventually ended up revealing their true selves. Each reconciliation came at a price for Abrams. And as heartbreaking as it was for me to read that there was no happy ending with many members of her family, it was very real. Sometimes family is just blood. And it seems she's created her own supportive, loving family independent from the family that lied on her birth certificate.

There's just so much I could say about how great this book is. I highly recommend to any and everyone. This book discusses so many of the things that happen within families that are left unsaid or hidden in shame and tradition. Sil Lai Abrams is definitely a truthseeker.

[Kiera · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book truly made me want to reach inside and hug the Sil Lai that suffered as a child to find her true racial identity. I had to put the book down at times, in order to take a deep breath, and gather myself. You can almost hear the pain resonate off the page. as she recalls her childhood, and search for self. This isn't your typical teenage acting out; it was much deeper than that. You find yourself wanting to comfort the child, and hug the woman she became. I would definitely recommend this book!

*I was provided an ARC for this book in exchange for an honest review*

[lacawi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love memoirs. Sil Lai’s is in my top 5 favorites.

It’s hard to put down once you start reading and it’s emotionally heavy to read, as well. Yet it’s so skillfully written that it feels like a Netflix-binge that you know you’re going to be upset when it ends. I was upset when it ended and content with how it ended. It was, to me, a “happy ending” of her personal & racial identity reunion that Daisy said we never see on tv with reunited families.

As a Black woman of the obligatory “multiracial descent” required by the US’s history of chattel slavery, what I was able to love so much in Sil Lai’s writings were her authentic connections to and embracing/internalizing of her Chinese heritage, both intellectually and emotionally. Seeing her share the significant tug-of-war between the sociocultural expectations of her Chinese and Western Identity intersections has been novel to me as a person interested in racial identity development & its intersections. It highlights the need for connection and belonging that are innate in these types of stories of family and identity.

As a parent, as a therapist, as the oldest child on one side of my family, as a child of the 80’s in the east coast and on and on, I found myself connected to many of her “coming of age” experiences, her parenting experiences, her forgiveness experiences, her transcending experiences, etc.

It’s a relatable book and a truly wonderful read for those of us seeking ways to create space to hold and maintain community. I highly recommend it.

[Andre(Read-A-Lot) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

Its not easy to bare your soul in the manner that Sil Lai Abrams does here in this memoir, but she does it with a conversational prose that makes for easy reading. Interesting quest for her to uncover and embrace her African-ness. It is instructive and perhaps cautionary for young women who take the time to read this book. There are some hard truths and Sil Lai is courageous in revealing them. The unveiling of Chinese culture mores values and norms as seen from the inside was educative. I think readers may be enlightened to find that struggles they see germane to their own people are indeed universal.

It certainly has to be tough to work through the pain of rejection by one's own mother, while never knowing a father. There's a lot to unpack here, and although it seemed that maybe, Sil Lai was "a rebel without a cause" I never stopped rooting for her. Since a major part of her struggle was around identity issues, I would have liked to learn how her daughter ultimately reconciled her pronouncement of being multiracial, Sil Lai says she eventually did, but never followed up on the how. 3.5

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know where to start with this book. All throughout, I felt bad for Sil Lai. But she doesn't deserve pity. At all. I kept wondering whether she would see her mom again. If she would find any info on her father.
Sil Lai always has a sneaking suspicion that she was not darker than the rest of her family because she was "born in Hawaii".
Her mother leaves her and her younger siblings when she is 5. Until then her parents had a dysfunctional relationship.
The man she thought was her father clothes her, Feeds her, provides a roof to live under. But no caring or warmth.
We read as Sil Lai endures racism, then alcoholism. Trying to fit in. Learning about her Blackness and being repulsed. Then enlightened.
A modeling career that didn't make it of the ground. Disastrous, abusive relationships... Then her kids.
Her kids saved her.
Through it all Sil Lai wanted to be loved. She wanted to belong.
We can see her evolve and grow. She makes mistake after mistake. But, never gives up.
Her mother sounds awful. I know she probably had a host of issues. She sounds like she does. But... Still.
Her family sounds awful. Using her to reunite them with her mother?
I teared up reading about her sister.
I would love a follow up of sorts. Just to see where she is now.

[Sarah Rigg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is about, as the title suggests, the long process of coming to identify as black and what that means for her and her family. She grew up with a white father and Chinese-American mother but looked much darker than anyone else in the family. She suspected from an early age that the man who raised her was not her biological father, and she finds out as a young, rebellious teen, that she is right. She remains in denial for a few more years, but eventually begins to identify as black after moving to New York, getting into fashion modeling, and meeting black celebrities, including Eddie Murphy, who takes her out on a date. Later, she begins to look into the Chinese side of her family, briefly reconciling with the mother who abandoned her when she was young. The lies, secrecy, and whitewashing of the family take a toll the author, who ends up with a drinking problem, as well as on on Sil Lai's sister May Lai, who descends into drug addiction. Sil Lai is also unlucky in love. The father of her first child breaks up with her while she's still pregnant and fights for several years in court to deny that the child is his. She has a second child with an abuser. She ends the book having moved on from her painful path to being an inspirational speaker who helps other abused women and running a nonprofit that looks to improve the image of women of color in the media. She also tries to give her two kids the best life she can and make them feel proud to be black. I found this book very moving. I like that Abrams didn't try to wrap everything up in a bow neatly but let the ragged edges and unsolved issues remain. Recommended.

[Kimberly Lett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Black Lotus: A Woman’s Search for Racial Identity is a memoir that will leave you questioning who we are as it relates to race and the burdens we place on young people as a result. In a time when conversations on race were taboo, Sil Lai Abrams grew up figuring it out on her own. Feeling abandoned and unworthy while trying to understand why her skin tone was darker than her siblings, Sil Lai Abrams questions in hopes she will hear the right answer from every adult she encounters.

On this journey toward self-discovery, we get a thorough glimpse of Sil Lai Abrams life as she watches cycles of unfortunate events unfold in her family while examining so much about herself. We see her questioning and seeking spiritual guidance, comfort in bad relationships, growing up while parenting -- yes, figuring life out on her own while making amends with her past, family and racial identity.

The writing is excellent and details thorough. In Black Lotus, Sil Lai Abrams give us personal details of her family’s complicated history and how she broke free. This book is certain to inspire. Prepare to take this journey with her as you will witness her growth, her wanting and believing in more than she’d previously experienced and the optimism that leads her to make major life changes.

[Renau Daniels · Rating 5 out of 5]

This impassioned memoir raises awareness about how the social constructs of race and ethnicity can impact one’s personal identity while teaching us about the value of love of self, family, children and each other. The author takes the reader on a disturbingly vivid journey from childhood to adolescence to adulthood hood and how the racism and emotional abuse she experienced by society and even her own family led to missteps she made along the way to find love and acceptance from her biological mother and family. Along this painful voyage, she discovers love of self, which causes the reader to root for and celebrate her achievements by the conclusion of the book.

By sharing her story, Sil Lai reminds us all that although life can be ugly, painful and complex, through the discovery of self-love, a brilliant and beautiful person can blossom and emerge just like the Lotus flower. Black Lotus is a must read for parents and teenage girls everywhere.

[Aileen Reusche' · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it. It resonated to me for 2 reasons. Growing up as a Baha’i and being a leader in the Domestic Violence world.

[Esther Bradley-detally · Rating 4 out of 5]

Those who know me know I'm a memoir addict. I cruised by the 92 section of new books at Pasadena Central Library the other day; like a pigeon coming home, and grabbed this. Racial identity, racial needs, racial injustice, racial justice, skin color privilege are at the top of my list in today's world. As a Baha'i, this takes prime importance. I admired the writing, Ms. Abrams' courage, tenacity, and horrendous struggle were profound and I was later surprised in further pages to see she had encountered the Baha'i Faith. Her father became a Baha'i. I could never assess one's progress on any spiritual path, but she had kind words to say. Her father struggled to say the least, and yet she received love from the Baha'i community. She lived in horrendous circumstances, and I am happy she pulled her life together so fruitfully and grateful for her book.

[Chris Hart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sil Lai Abrams had an awful upbringing, no doubt about it. She understandably has issues with abandonment and trust, and engaged in quite a bit of self-destructive behavior. She speaks now of her years of sobriety, so at least in the area of addiction she has thankfully overcome her past. In this frank memoir, she details her childhood growing up in a dysfunctional home, confused about her genetic makeup and poorly parented by her birth mother's husband and his second wife. If that sounds confusing, it certainly is, and I'm sure it was for the young Sil Lai.

Ms Abrams may think she has been searching for her racial identity, as per the book's subtitle, but I believe what she has been searching for her whole life is peace. One's "racial identity" may be part of that, but that alone will not provide peace. I hope she can find it.

[Ryan Mishap · Rating 3 out of 5]

The over-arching story of her life related to discovering, attaining, and solidifying her identity makes this a worth-while read, but the episodic nature of the narrative made it a bit of a slog.

Then again, I'm a white guy in Oregon and this book wasn't written for me--I can imagine that those caught in similar circumstances could find a kindred spirit, an inspiration, and identify with this whole-heartedly.

The focus on understanding and challenging racism and sexism is welcome and lay the foundation for the memoir. The stories she shares of her life and her family are interesting, complex, and illuminate many dark corners of our society. That alone makes this worth at least checking out!

[African Americans on the Move Book Club · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not very big on memoir's of people I've never heard of, but Sil Lai Abrams, tells a story that touches the heart and pulls at the heartstrings. There are moments you want to reach out and give the child and hug and high five the woman she grew into regardless of the circumstances. Abrams journey through racial discovery, an absentee mother, and emotionless father makes the book less about the racial side of things and more about her traumatic childhood. Yet even with everything she endured, she became a woman unapologetic about whom she is and her life.
If you are a fan of memoirs I'd recommend it as a good read.

Lashawone Powell
AAMBC Reviewer

[Tammy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Black Lotus: A Woman's Search for Racial Identity is a gripping memoir that defines the resiliency of the human spirit. Although she lived a life amid confusion and dysfunction, deception and betrayal, Sil Lai's ultimate triumph was in finding her true self-worth, her acceptance and her love for who she is - a strong black woman. A true page turner, the narrative reads almost like fiction. You will not believe some of the things that she endured could possibly be her reality. The fact that she was able to rise above her circumstances and come out on the other side to now be an amazing, self-taught author and activist is phenomenal. I highly recommend it.

[Jasmine Holloman · Rating 5 out of 5]

*** I received this book as a part of Goodreads First Reads***
This was truly amazing. Sil Lai Abrams story read like a novel, but unfortunately, her sad and deceptive childhood was very real. I wish that I could just have a moment to sip tea or wine and hear her story in person. I am admired by her persistence in never letting life or family get the best of her. In her book, she always made a way when there was no way.
My only complaint is a selfish one, in which I wish she would identify that A-list Hollywood actor., but that is the gossip queen in me wanting to know ;) Nevertheless, I would recommend this book to any woman, for regardless of race, we all search for our true identity.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sil Lai's story is one of brokenness and beauty that is so unique, you just have to read it. She is an amazing woman who picked herself up over and over again, striving with her racial identity, amongst so many other obstacles that most would call insurmountable.

I highly, highly recommend this book about racial identity, but mostly about an excellent example of overcoming and finding oneself!!

I received a copy of this book for free through Goodreads Giveaways.

[Sharon Bodnar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting yet maddening. Her childhood was so strange and sad and abandonment by her mom her dad was kind of a mess and it’s interesting how she picked up on trying to develop the black part of her. There are people who don’t have these racial issues you had had that twisted hedonistic lifestyle trying to find love and acceptance I’m sure that her biracial status it made it a lot worse for her.

[Anja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sil Lai Abrams delivers a heart-felt memoir that shows what it was like for her to grow up 'white'/Hawaiian & Chinese and her chaotic discovery of her Black heritage.

Honestly, I'm a bit of a sucker for good memoirs and this book drew me in so fast, I finished it in two days. I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next, while rooting for the author & her siblings the whole time.

I recommend this!

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so much more than just exploring the author's roots. There are some real life lessons that one can learn from what she experienced in all of her relationships. It makes one want to think a little harder when forming relationships and enforces the notion that we all need support whether it be from family or friendships in order to truly rise above the challenges in life.

[Gwen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book retelling the life of a brave woman who conquered many negatives in her life and is committed to making life better for others.

I received this book free from Goodreads First Reads.

[Susan Watts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful book. I wish you luck with everything.

[Mona Mona · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven’t yet been able to write my review but since reading this book I have suggested to many friends. Such a powerful story. Definitely could read again, especially in a group setting.

[Ann Pearlman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Harrowing voyage of coming to terms with mixed racial identity in a dysfunctional family and her bravery, intellegence and determination to create a family.

[Degenerate Chemist · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sat down and finished this in one sitting. Excellent book, a must read.

[Ruby · Rating 4 out of 5]

"In some ways, I understood the apathy of my my family and white society toward black people-having lived with this mindset myself. People are inherently self-serving in their interests, for the most part. It is the rare individual who would make an effort to respect and empathize with a group of people they were brought up to believe are violent, inferior, utilitarian creatures who refused to accept their second-place social role. None of the white people I knew were willing to acknowledge the fact that black people had created the very foundation of economic privilege that so many of them benefited from through slavery."

"For the first time in my life, I was able to actually admit to myself that I looked very different from both my new family and the one of my origin. As my eyes scanned the pool area, I saw nothing but the whiteness of everyone in attendance except for me. That, combined with their dismissive attituded toward me, led me to conclude something that was inconceivable before: that their distance was because of the color of my skin. It was the only obvious difference that made any logical sense. This day was the first time in my life that I felt truly ashamed to be me; to be conscious of the color of my skin and what that color potentially meant."

"It was when we went out into the world beyond our street that I felt a discomfort around us that I would eventually be able to recognize as racism. Strangers staring so hard that it felt like their eyes were boring holes into us. The way they either looked past us as if we didn't exist or worse, the direct glare of mild contempt at my parents and their rainbow tribe of children."

"...despite having four children of various racial compositions and skin colors living under one roof, three of whom were half Chinese, there was no mention of race or our Chinese heritage."

"Clearing the air of more than a decade of lies was liberating; however, just as quickly as I was freed, I was shackled again. For now, not only was I not his child, I was also black. An outcast in my home, I was now an outcast in society as well, as I had been taught to view it."

"Little did I know that I had been in many ways living the black experience for much of my life-simply without a community or culture to protect me from being alone in the wilderness. What a difference it would have made for me to have grown up in a black home, with black people sharing with me the tools of how to navigate two worlds, a system of survival that is necessary even to this day."

"I had made the terrible mistake of making him the center of my world, now his erratic behavior was throwing me off my axis. This is what happens in relationships when a person doesn't have a strong sense of self. We give away our power in the hopes that this will gain our beloved's favor, not realizing how incredibly unhealthy a dynamic this creates."