The Best of Dear Coquette: Shady Advice From A Raging Bitch Who Has No Business Answering Any Of These Questions

by The Coquette

Explosive advice from LA's mysterious online columnist, Dear Coquette.

With her merciless and razor-sharp wit, bolted to one of the most finely-tuned moral compasses out there, the Coquette has been dispensing anonymous advice to her legion of fans on the internet for the last five years.

Here, for the first time in print, is the best of the Coquette's advice: on relationships, breakups, breakdowns, sex, politics, and the correct etiquette for threesomes, with plenty more in between.

Always honest, always outspoken, the Coquette's anonymity, cloaking a real life identity as an LA party girl with a high-powered job, allows her a brutal frankness that you will not experience from any other agony aunt. Admirers from all over the world have journeyed to her website to seek her practical and empowering advice: now, in the safety of your own home, you can too.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays, Humor, Feminism, Self Help, Adult

339 pages, Hardcover

First published September 8, 2016

Reviews

[Krystin | TheF*ckingTwist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book Blog | Bookstagram

I discovered Dear Coquette online a couple of years ago and immediately fell in love. I admire her honest and outlook so much. Sometimes I don't even know I need to hear a thing until I read it from her and it becomes a new revolutionary slap in the face. She's honestly helped me learn a lot about myself and my values.

Coquette has the most uncanny ability to take a question, seemingly about one specific thing, and dissect the hidden parts of the asker's soul with surgical precision.

Direct. Clever. Smart. Funny. She'll kick your ass, call you a whiny bitch and then tell you everything is going to be okay. And even when you don't agree with something she's said, I guarantee it will, at the very least, make you truly think and consider.

Here are some choice hits:

-Going through life with the expectation of some fantastical form of uber-love is childish wish-thinking that would be silly if it weren't so damaging to adult relationships.

-No thank you - I don't need god. I already have a clit.

-Seriously, don't you get how amazing it is to be alive? One day you won't be. In the meantime, the skin you're in will wither and age, your personality will ebb and flow, and everything around you will be in a constant state of flux. Ultimately none of it really matters, except for those moments of joy you carve out for yourself.

-I am the one in command of my own sexual virtue. I am the one who defines that virtue. Everything you believe to be true about sexual virtue is a tragic lie instilled in your by a misogynistic, patriarchal culture that is fundamentally terrified of female sexuality, and that bullshit needs to be systematically unlearned.

-Say it with me now: Good dick is never worth disrespect.

-You can only give somebody one second chance. After that, 'giving him second chances' is just code for putting up with more of his bullshit.

-Listen up, everyone: STOP LISTENING TO DATING ADVICE FROM YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

-The relationship isn't boring. Life is boring, and you're just now noticing for the first time as an adult because you aren't being distracted by some youthful flavour of chaos.

-There is nothing out there that you can smoke, seek, fuck, find or read that will suddenly give you the self-love and acceptance you're so desperate to discover. You're worthy of love. You're worthy of acceptance. You're just plan inherently worth. Trust me, you don't even know the meaning of freedom until you finally discover what internally validated self-worth feels like.

-Nothing fucking happened to you. Maybe you're depressed. Maybe you're bipolar. Maybe you're just an insufferable cunt, but no matter what, never forget that life is a grind. It's hard sometimes, and the only way to improve shit is by doing the fucking worth it takes to change.

-Happiness isn't a permanent gift granted to a select and steady few. It may be found more easily for some than others, but it's all still just a transitory phase. Every emotional state, stable or otherwise, is impermanent. It's all a shifting, flowing, ever-changing hot mess of pleasure and pain, neuroses and normative behaviour. Happiness is fleeting, but then again, so is suffering.

- Don't let anybody fuck you - spiritually, mentally, emotionally or psychically. Whether it religion, ideology, shame or a penis, don't let anyone put something inside you without thinking about it first and then making up your own mind.

-I'm opposed to any organized belief system with fundamental tenets based on revealed knowledge from a supernatural entity, and I am radically opposed to any closely held belief that allows for a supernatural entity (deity or otherwise) to be used as the proximate cause or justification for human behaviour.

-Dismissing an assertion made without evidence isn't an act of faith. It's an act of reason.

-Don't be a schmuck. If you're ever again in a position where you think the laws of nature are being suspended just for you, trust me, they're not.


...and finally, the most important piece for me:

How do I accept the inevitable? By realizing that it doesn't matter whether you accept it or not.



⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ | 5 stars

[Nabiela · Rating 5 out of 5]

The reason I joined Tumblr in the first place.

[Lindsay Seddon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes you need a good kick up the arse, not someone who is going to tell you what you want to hear. "Coquette" more than fills this need. This is a self-help book (the first I have ever read or even been interested in), comprised of the best questions and answers from "Dear Coquette" and "CokeTalk", an anonymous (possibly famous) blogger living in LA. Coquette is frighteningly insightful - I'd be scared to ask a question and have her reveal the hidden parts of my soul in one snippy sentence.

The first section of the book is a set of questions about love, sex and relationships, all answered by Coquette in a no-nonsense, (almost) harsh and exasperated attitude, which gave me the impression that she was as intolerant of complex emotions as she is of infidelity. But as the chapters/sections seem to move from the practical subjects to the spiritual/ethical/sensitive, the author's tone changes in the same way, so that she appears surprisingly compassionate when asked about more difficult topics such as mental health or grief.

I particularly liked the advice on long-distance relationships. Three or so variations that bluntly said "don't bother". I myself have witnessed more than one couple attempt long-distance and it has never been successful. I despair that no-one has cottoned-on.

At times I was frustrated that the author was more interested in picking holes in the questions themselves or assuming terrible motives for asking such questions, though this may be a side-effect of the oversaturation of reading so many questions and answers in bulk.

I had to hold in a few laughs when reading on the train and received a few odd looks from those who saw me taking pictures of certain answers to send to my friend.

I would recommend this to anyone looking for something a little different, I've certainly never read anything like it. However, if you're genuinely looking for help or advice, be warned, you'll have to learn quickly to deal with a little tough love.

[Quentin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sharp. Direct. Funny. "Handle your shit" attitude that I appreciated. Instances where I realized that I too need to grow up and handle my shit a bit better. Additionally, an overriding theme of simply being a good person to yourself and others; don't be selfish, don't be cruel.

[Charissa Modeste · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first came across this blog when I was about 20 and was shocked and disgusted by what I read. Then it became my favorite blog. Now I just re-read my favorite posts nodding in fervent agreement. The blog -to -book format here is kind of lazy. All of this content can be viewed on her website, there's little-to-no exclusive book content- so unless you just prefer a curated, book format you can head over to here website and read the entries there. But I guess this is really for her die hard fans and to celebrate all her work so far. Of course it's also nice, neat package for brand new readers.

Mostly I'm just impressed that this bitch has managed to remain anonymous (in this era that's a huge achievement) and continues to rake in cash from this little side gig. 5/5 because duh.

[Gabrielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I'm wrong all the damn time,"
Coquette proclaims in the very last pages of the book.
Not knowing of her website before picking up this collection, this was a sort of "initiation" for me into her deeply practical philosophies and tough-love style. Since I just went through the worst breakup I have yet to experience in my young life, the first half of the book seemed like a Godsend. I didn't care too much for the political and "point-of-life" answers toward the end, but I can say her frank ("frank" is actually an understatement) words on relationships and love helped knock me out of a month-long funk in which my diet consisted mostly of donuts and I wrote in my dairy daily about how unfair life was.

Though, as Coquette would probably agree with, one can't take her advice singularly as the whole truth of your life--the rules you live by. One would be miserable. But rather, take what you like, what will help you, and mash it together with all your other beloved sources, as well as your own sensibilities, and voila! Coquette's bits of advice can help propel you forward with a good ol' kick in the butt. I certainly learned some things and examined aspects of myself while reading it, so go ahead and do the same! After this intro, I'll definitely be following her online presence.

[Cass · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had known about Dear Coquette years ago; if I had I would be a completely different person with different outlooks on life and other aspects thereof. No sugar coating, no fucks given, no-holding-back pure, raw advice straight from a woman who has seen a lot of the world. The Coquette--whoever she is--is either someone I would love to meet or someone I would never want to meet, which is a very big contradiction but it certainly makes sense to me since overly opinionated people intimidate me (though despite that I know I would highly respect her opinions, unlike some other overly opinionated people I have had the displeasure to meet and clash with in the past).

[Meghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like reading these short answers to short advice questions on the Internet, but a whole book started to feel so blunt and overwhelming.

[Bri (readingknitter) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book form of a long running advice column without being aware of the source material – it was on a display at my local library and I found the cover compelling (yep, judged the book by its cover!) so I snatched it up and dove in, enjoying the segmented chunks that allow you to quickly read when you had the time and easily pause whenever was necessary (aka a perfect type of reading when you’re balancing grad school and life).

I definitely enjoyed the vibe of Dear Sugar's Tiny Beautiful Things ( one of my favorite reads of 2016 ) better but I’m sure this collection will be better appreciated by others. The book reprints questions and answers from Dear Coquette, formerly Coke Talk, with a readership that seems to skew a bit younger with a few questions about high school life and plentiful college related questions. I liked the responses to these younger questions that predominantly were things like “omg have the type of your life with your young love you lil fluff ball!” but then I also found some of the questions, answers, and situations described to be gross things I hope I forever avoid. The book seems to be very hetero-focused, but so are the submitted questions.

While the author’s advice sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, the writer is very aware of that, as seen by these quotes where she describes her advice-giving strategy: “I’m wrong all the damn time” (p. 331), “I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else” (p. 335), and finally, “I’m happy to provide a surrogate background long enough for them (the readers, advice seekers) to feel what it’s like to stand up for themselves” (p. 326).

The book is organized into sections which helped categorize the questions and allowed the book to flow smoothly: Love, Sex, Drugs, Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Friends, Family, Work, Mental, Physical, Spiritual, Individual, Greater Good, and Coquette (about the anonymous writer).

Here’s a link to my favorite piece from the whole book that felt like some very necessary bluntness, and very much provided the surrogate backbone the author wants to give her readers: http://dearcoquette.com/on-not-being-a-doormat/

Some of my other favorite quotes are included below:

“If you live your life trying to avoid the possibility of future pain, you will end up a numb and timid creature without any stories worth telling.” (p. 105)

“[Q:] How do you know when to give up on someone? [A:] When they’ve shown you who they are, and it isn’t enough.” (p. 143)

“The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing it for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.” (p. 144)

for more, check out www.girlwithabookblog.com!

[MargaretDH · Rating 4 out of 5]

Confession time: I'm addicted to advice columns. I have a list of them I read faithfully. I'm not sure why I like them so much. Maybe it's the incredible variability of the human experience, or maybe it's because they're a good reminder that, at the end of the day, we all worry about a lot of the same things.

Dear Coquette does answer a lot of the questions that come in various permutations to advice columnists (why did we break up? How do I get someone to change? Why aren't things unfolding like I think they should), but she also answers some questions that are little more out there. She talks about existential crises, cocaine use and confronting your own cosmic insignificance. She's also a lot meaner than most advice givers, often with snappy answers. For example:

Are art museums pompous? I love them, but my brother says art museums are basically malls where you can’t buy anything, making them pointless.
Your brother is an idiot.

or

Is your job supposed to make you happy? Is one person supposed to make you happy? Are you supposed to make yourself happy?
No, no, and yes, to the extent that we are each responsible for our own emotional states, but never forget that happiness is fleeting and often shallow. Happiness is not the point. Growth is the point.

or

Is it better to break up and perhaps never find love again or to stay in a relationship you don’t enjoy anymore?
This is a false dichotomy created by the weakest part of you, so I won’t dignify it with an answer except to say that you won’t make the right decision as long as you’re motivated by fear and regret.

Anyway, I like her style. If you're interested, all you need to do is visit dearcoquette.com and see what you think. Fair warning, she's pretty profane and answers a lot of questions about sex. That's cool with me, but it might not be with you.

[Teodora · Rating 2 out of 5]

The pretty cover made me buy this one and I am a little disappointed.

The idea was pretty interesting but after a few pages, I was so bored with everything. I did agree with some of her suggestions but others were...



The first day I started this book it was interesting, I even thought it will be a five-star read, but after you read a few pages you get so bored and it is so hard to keep reading.

I needed so many days to finish this based on the single fact that it was getting boring and hard to keep reading.

Not really worth buying this book since all the posts from this book are already on her site and easy + free to access and just browse there for w.e topic you want.

Interesting idea but not actually my type the way it was executed.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it.

I've been reading Coke's blog for years and would recommend this book to anyone. Buying a copy for my brother.

[Miss Ryoko · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I might be The Coquette.... maybe I just black out when I post as her and I don't remember ;-)

I wish I would have thought of this great idea to have an advice blog where I just answer questions honestly.... I could be making tons of money right now.

This book was great. I wasn't familiar with Coquette before I came across this book, but she's fantastic! I agreed with so much of the stuff she said - it was both hilarious and truthful. My favorite line of the whole book was the first line of her response when someone assumed she wasn't intelligent because she uses "stupid swear words all the time" and said she sounds like a 14 year old high school kid who thinks she's so cool for swearing. They asked what the point of swearing so often was.... the first line in her response was perfect: "I use profanity because I'm profane, you persnickety cunt."

Omg. I love her.

Anyone who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said is aces with me. Hope Coquette will be in business for a while, and I hope she'll make some more compilations in book format for me to amuse myself with.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the third "advice column compilation" book I've read in the last couple of years, so I guess this is a thing now. Cheryl Strayed remains the gold standard, but I liked this one better than Heather Havrilevsky's book. Sure, all the profanity is a bit much and honestly, I feel like Coquette is trying a bit too hard to be the "cool girl" but on the whole she still has a lot of valuable advice to impart. She's definitely a straight shooter--I imagine many who write to her later regret their decision when she's cut them down to size in her response. I particularly enjoyed reading her thoughts on abortion, though I think many readers would be extremely offended. I enjoyed reading her thought on a lot of things actually. Man, now that this is a popular genre, I really wish it had been around when I was flailing about like an idiot in my early 20s.

[Natasha den Dekker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was absolutely BRILLIANT. Ad the type of thing that needs to be read over and over again. Some truly invaluable advice from - how you think of yourself (whatever you do, don't be mediocre) to her attitudes on cheating, affairs and sex. I think this is essential reading for everyone - especially for young adults. Her stuff on relationships was spot on as well - i.e. they're hard, make a decision on how hard you wanna work!

If you ever wanted advice on - how to have better sex, how to do more in your life and how to not care about that stuff as long as you're doing the best you can do? Then you need to read this.

[Brian Palmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apparently Coquette is an LA-based blogger/advice giver whom I had never heard of . But I picked this up, and enjoyed diving into it a little bit at a time. The advice is more on the Savage Love side of the spectrum than the Ann Landers (but the relationship questions seem dominated by heterosexual relationships, at least based on her responses). It's also tends to adopt a "take charge of your own self" attitude, briskly shaking the people writing in to communicate and take responsibility for how they feel. It's not typically laugh aloud funny, but it's usually amusing.

One thought popped up as I was reading it: I'm reading this in the middle of the "#metoo movement," when so much of the relationship zeitgeist (even on the non-criminal front) is tied with the drama of "Cat Person" or Aziz Ansari's date, that this felt like a countercultural breeze -- even if it's not perfect advice, it's fresh air.

[Zef Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear Coquette's work is up there with most influential, valuable, life-changing things I've read. So, naturally, this curated selection of that site's content gets five stars from me. I recommend this to everyone, even those who are already familiar with her work and have read through the site. The book is well-organised according to theme, and the structure makes for a satisfying reading experience (e.g. starting with love, drugs, sex, moving into relationships, the mental, the physical, the spiritual, the greater good, etc.).

[Jordan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Controversial book. Interesting writing style, generally a kind of hyperbole style book, where the author criticizes all different readers/audiences at different times, and generally speaking makes strong statements on controversial or taboo topics. Definitely can be interesting and parallels aspects of the internet where strong statements catch your attention and pull you in. However, it's not a scientific book, so definitely not recommended as a book to learn about any specific thing-

[Adela Stefan · Rating 4 out of 5]

“If you have integrity, being faithful is easy. Do not confuse love and integrity. Love is just an emotional state, and regardless of how deeply or intensely it may be felt, it’s still not a measure of the content of your character.”

There’s parts that I fully agreed on, others I thought were madness and others that made me change my mind(these were the best).

[Dragon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full of snark and hilarity and also advice that actually makes sense.

[Rosemary · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I were president, I’d demand to know Coquette’s true identity, then I’d appoint her as my top life advisor, stat.

[Gia James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Throw all the self help books in the trash can and read this instead.

[Erica Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The modern day Dear Abby whose advice is stark, hard-hitting, refreshing and spot on! Would have loved to have read this column daily!

[Mariana]

Often well thought-out + sometimes just stubborn. It's in the title.

[shesvioly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sad I didn’t read this as a teenager but lucky I didn’t read this as a teenager 🥲?!

[Gargi Bera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greatest of all time.

[Christina]

DNF

[Carolyn Nicholas]

I don't know how to give these types of non-fiction books star ratings. I will say, I love Coquette, I love this collection of Q & A's.

I give it 5 hearts, if that were a thing.

[Bailey Powe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much love to Austin for sending this my way! I feel as though I now have a WWCD filter in my brain and life will be easier to navigate with it.