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Baring Witness: 36 Mormon Women Talk Candidly about Love, Sex, and Marriage
In Baring Witness , Holly Welker and thirty-six Mormon women write about devotion and love and luck, about the wonder of discovery, and about the journeys, both thorny and magical, to humor, grace, and contentment. They speak to a diversity of life what happens when one partner rejects Church teachings; marrying outside one's faith; the pain of divorce and widowhood; the horrors of spousal abuse; the hard journey from visions of an idealized marriage to the everyday truth; sexuality within Mormon marriage; how the pressure to find a husband shapes young women's actions and sense of self; and the ways Mormon belief and culture can influence second marriages and same-sex unions. The result is an unflinching look at the earthly realities of an institution central to Mormon life.
296 pages, Hardcover
Published August 15, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
April 25, 2017
In the introduction to “Baring Witness” editor Holly Welker states that the question under consideration was “given that a particular emphasis on marriage is one of the things distinguishing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, what distinguishes LDS marriages for the women in them?” It does exactly that.
This collection of essays is an essential contribution to Mormon Studies and Women’s Studies. It masterfully crafts the (often untold) complexities of Mormon marriage and dissects the socialization of women in a patriarchal religion. It’s rare to have a collection so thoughtful and so honest about Mormon Women’s experiences.
This collection of essays is an essential contribution to Mormon Studies and Women’s Studies. It masterfully crafts the (often untold) complexities of Mormon marriage and dissects the socialization of women in a patriarchal religion. It’s rare to have a collection so thoughtful and so honest about Mormon Women’s experiences.
May 27, 2018
I told a friend I was reading this book by Mormon women on the topic of marriage and he said "oh. Wow. Is it exotic?"
This made me think because no, it's really not. Like any well-written book, it's universal in its themes and even as it brings new sometimes exotic particulars of a faith I do not know well, it more often brought me a greater knowledge of myself and the women I grew up with.
Like the women in this book, I grew up in a patriarchal religious community, albeit a different one, and like them I've struggled to forge my own identity while also trying (and many times failing) to build relationships based on trust and authenticity.
One writer describes her relationship to her faith as having her foot stuck in a beartrap. To take it off she would also have to remove her foot. This resonates with me.
What was fascinating was how the best relationships, rather than fulfilling the "perfect" archetypes the writers once imagined, were forged on figuring out the path and the rules that worked best for them.
I will remember for a long time the story of a woman who stumbled across the church's vows, that a woman makes to a man and a man makes to God. She stopped reading and she and her partner both realized that this was not the partnership they wanted. They wanted equality. Both committing to one another.
The women in this book are inspiringly brave. Not only for telling their stories but for struggling to be true to their feelings as well as their ideals. This backstage, under-the-hood, philosophical glimpse of marriage isn't often made in literary books. Baring Witness is refreshingly descriptive instead of prescriptive, delving into what makes a happy marriage. You walk away with a sense of the plurality of decisions people make and why they make them.
I also want to note that in my religious community, I did somehow learn that Mormonism is a weird, exotic religion and reading this book made me feel ashamed of that prejudice that many of us absorb before we have a chance to examine it.
What strikes me now is how much women share in common across religious communities of the world's major religions. These patriarchal notions of female submission are not in any way unique to Mormonism.
I no longer identify as a member of a religion, other than, as the Dalai Lama says, kindness. But I walk away from this book reflecting that it isn't so much faith itself that is inherently good or bad; it's the way that a person learns to negotiate faith and community that matters.
Similarly, romantic relationships are not always the most important relationships of a woman's life, despite the indoctrination that they "should be." What matters most for happiness is an ability to act on one's talents, to know oneself, and to give and receive love and respect (romantic and otherwise) based on who one really is.
I recommend this book to men and women who want to understand the ways that many different women around the world (not just Mormon women) struggle to be seen and heard despite institutional patriarchal constraints. You won't regret picking it up, and once you do it's hard to put down.
This made me think because no, it's really not. Like any well-written book, it's universal in its themes and even as it brings new sometimes exotic particulars of a faith I do not know well, it more often brought me a greater knowledge of myself and the women I grew up with.
Like the women in this book, I grew up in a patriarchal religious community, albeit a different one, and like them I've struggled to forge my own identity while also trying (and many times failing) to build relationships based on trust and authenticity.
One writer describes her relationship to her faith as having her foot stuck in a beartrap. To take it off she would also have to remove her foot. This resonates with me.
What was fascinating was how the best relationships, rather than fulfilling the "perfect" archetypes the writers once imagined, were forged on figuring out the path and the rules that worked best for them.
I will remember for a long time the story of a woman who stumbled across the church's vows, that a woman makes to a man and a man makes to God. She stopped reading and she and her partner both realized that this was not the partnership they wanted. They wanted equality. Both committing to one another.
The women in this book are inspiringly brave. Not only for telling their stories but for struggling to be true to their feelings as well as their ideals. This backstage, under-the-hood, philosophical glimpse of marriage isn't often made in literary books. Baring Witness is refreshingly descriptive instead of prescriptive, delving into what makes a happy marriage. You walk away with a sense of the plurality of decisions people make and why they make them.
I also want to note that in my religious community, I did somehow learn that Mormonism is a weird, exotic religion and reading this book made me feel ashamed of that prejudice that many of us absorb before we have a chance to examine it.
What strikes me now is how much women share in common across religious communities of the world's major religions. These patriarchal notions of female submission are not in any way unique to Mormonism.
I no longer identify as a member of a religion, other than, as the Dalai Lama says, kindness. But I walk away from this book reflecting that it isn't so much faith itself that is inherently good or bad; it's the way that a person learns to negotiate faith and community that matters.
Similarly, romantic relationships are not always the most important relationships of a woman's life, despite the indoctrination that they "should be." What matters most for happiness is an ability to act on one's talents, to know oneself, and to give and receive love and respect (romantic and otherwise) based on who one really is.
I recommend this book to men and women who want to understand the ways that many different women around the world (not just Mormon women) struggle to be seen and heard despite institutional patriarchal constraints. You won't regret picking it up, and once you do it's hard to put down.
June 6, 2017
A good friend (who happens to be a disaffected Mormon) gave me this book, and... I was optimistic, but unfortunately the collection of stories is completely lopsided and at least as much about losing religion as about marriage itself. Also, it seemed that a majority of the disaffected stories were by the "dreaded" "intellectuals" and academics--such a disappointing stereotype! (Granted, it's a self-selecting group. Of course professors who have had dramatic experiences in marriage and religion would be interested in writing about it, whereas happily married people with decent sex lives, writers or not, might not feel like they have all that much to say on the topic, and the editor acknowledged as much in her very long and detailed intro.)
I did not see my own experience reflected in any of the stories, really. Rachel Whipple's story about luck rang closest to true for me. I guess I was bummed to see yet another representation of Mormon feminism as one that can't be happy in Mormon marriage until it becomes ex-Mormon marriage. Why is this? Why can't we be feminists and happy Mormons too? Is there some feminist kool-aid I haven't drunk yet?
I'd love to see a more balanced look at marriage, still including all the stories here but also including stories about women and men who struggle through doubts and challenges and learning and growing together and apart, without becoming bitter and/or blaming Young Women lessons and clueless bishops.
I have realized that I was absolutely born into privilege. I'm thankful that I grew up with thoughtful parents who were politically liberal yet also orthodox Mormons. Maybe my husband and I are less orthodox than they are, but I feel completely comfortable in my marriage, my faith, and my place at church. I run into sexism at church and elsewhere, and I call it out, and I think it's slowly improving. Old-fashioned gender roles are not a deal breaker for me, but I also don't think that I'm some doormat by thinking that. I think of myself as an advocate for myself and others who is contributing by staying. I believe in marriage, and I was raised in a healthy and equal marriage, and I was never made to feel that I should be second to my husband in anything.
I am also thankful that I somehow--through some work but mostly a lot of luck like Rachel Whipple--found a man who is both my match and my opposite. We have not been through major trials (yet) and I hardly think we've safely turned any corners. We have a long life ahead, and I don't pretend to be a marriage expert. But I find strength and help in religion and faith, both in my own life and in my approach to marriage. I hope that will stay true for me, and I believe that whether or not it does, the faith part will be my own choice.
All of that being said (such a long review, I know), the stories are interesting and revealing and worth reading, as long as you're comfortable with frank talk about sex.. But please take it all with a grain of salt. These experiences are true and valid but I believe they are far from universal, at least in my generation.
And finally: I think that current and future church leaders (youth leaders, bishops etc... so technically just about any active Mormon adult) can definitely learn from some of these stories. If this has been any girls' or women's Mormon experience in the past, it absolutely SHOULD NOT be in the future. We cannot let it be!
I did not see my own experience reflected in any of the stories, really. Rachel Whipple's story about luck rang closest to true for me. I guess I was bummed to see yet another representation of Mormon feminism as one that can't be happy in Mormon marriage until it becomes ex-Mormon marriage. Why is this? Why can't we be feminists and happy Mormons too? Is there some feminist kool-aid I haven't drunk yet?
I'd love to see a more balanced look at marriage, still including all the stories here but also including stories about women and men who struggle through doubts and challenges and learning and growing together and apart, without becoming bitter and/or blaming Young Women lessons and clueless bishops.
I have realized that I was absolutely born into privilege. I'm thankful that I grew up with thoughtful parents who were politically liberal yet also orthodox Mormons. Maybe my husband and I are less orthodox than they are, but I feel completely comfortable in my marriage, my faith, and my place at church. I run into sexism at church and elsewhere, and I call it out, and I think it's slowly improving. Old-fashioned gender roles are not a deal breaker for me, but I also don't think that I'm some doormat by thinking that. I think of myself as an advocate for myself and others who is contributing by staying. I believe in marriage, and I was raised in a healthy and equal marriage, and I was never made to feel that I should be second to my husband in anything.
I am also thankful that I somehow--through some work but mostly a lot of luck like Rachel Whipple--found a man who is both my match and my opposite. We have not been through major trials (yet) and I hardly think we've safely turned any corners. We have a long life ahead, and I don't pretend to be a marriage expert. But I find strength and help in religion and faith, both in my own life and in my approach to marriage. I hope that will stay true for me, and I believe that whether or not it does, the faith part will be my own choice.
All of that being said (such a long review, I know), the stories are interesting and revealing and worth reading, as long as you're comfortable with frank talk about sex.. But please take it all with a grain of salt. These experiences are true and valid but I believe they are far from universal, at least in my generation.
And finally: I think that current and future church leaders (youth leaders, bishops etc... so technically just about any active Mormon adult) can definitely learn from some of these stories. If this has been any girls' or women's Mormon experience in the past, it absolutely SHOULD NOT be in the future. We cannot let it be!
October 16, 2016
Thank you Holly and thanks to all your contributors. This book really touched me. I would love nothing more than to have every Mormon man and woman read this book and gain some empathy and insight into the feelings of women in the Mormon church.
I cried at many of the very personal tales of the women - some of whom I know - and their struggles with identity in the LDS culture.
I cried at many of the very personal tales of the women - some of whom I know - and their struggles with identity in the LDS culture.
April 10, 2019
Baring Witness: 36 Mormon Women Talk Candidly about Love, Sex, and Marriage is a collection of personal essays that you’d never hear at a sacrament meeting. These are not your average Fast Sunday testimonies. They are not censored experiences that people will share at church to promote faith. These stories go into depth and pain and discuss what the writers experienced and how church teachings influenced them. The writers talk about both the good and bad times and their thought processes.
In the introduction, Editor Holly Welker wrote, “Religious orthodoxy was not a concern as I gathered these essays; instead, my concern was with a writer’s willingness to scrutinize how Mormon belief and practice shaped her ideas and experiences of marriage, regardless of whether she remained active and devout” (14).
I absolutely enjoyed this book! Though some of the stories were full of sorrow, there were also a good number of stories with happy endings. I appreciated the variety of stories and perspectives. I believe it’s important to read another’s story, because it opens our minds to new perspectives and helps us see beyond the surface. This is why I was so interested in this book!
To read the rest of the review: https://www.the-exponent.com/book-rev...
In the introduction, Editor Holly Welker wrote, “Religious orthodoxy was not a concern as I gathered these essays; instead, my concern was with a writer’s willingness to scrutinize how Mormon belief and practice shaped her ideas and experiences of marriage, regardless of whether she remained active and devout” (14).
I absolutely enjoyed this book! Though some of the stories were full of sorrow, there were also a good number of stories with happy endings. I appreciated the variety of stories and perspectives. I believe it’s important to read another’s story, because it opens our minds to new perspectives and helps us see beyond the surface. This is why I was so interested in this book!
To read the rest of the review: https://www.the-exponent.com/book-rev...
February 12, 2018
This collection of essays probably won't appeal to many readers outside of the Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) faith. They will find much of the terminology to be incomprehensible.
This was difficult to read because so many of the essays were, quite frankly, depressing. I don't want to be critical of the essays because these women were baring their souls, but many of the contributors seemed like they were incredibly naive going into their marriages and they blamed the church for this.
There were some gems in this collection, and some thought provoking musings on the tightrope walk of marriage and personal identity. But overall I felt like this definitely skewed towards disaffected feminists who might not enjoy marriage regardless of a connection to any given religion.
Having said that, I might encourage my nineteen year old daughter to read some of the essays as cautionary tales for a young Mormon girl.
** I received a free copy of this from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
This was difficult to read because so many of the essays were, quite frankly, depressing. I don't want to be critical of the essays because these women were baring their souls, but many of the contributors seemed like they were incredibly naive going into their marriages and they blamed the church for this.
There were some gems in this collection, and some thought provoking musings on the tightrope walk of marriage and personal identity. But overall I felt like this definitely skewed towards disaffected feminists who might not enjoy marriage regardless of a connection to any given religion.
Having said that, I might encourage my nineteen year old daughter to read some of the essays as cautionary tales for a young Mormon girl.
** I received a free copy of this from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
August 29, 2022
Counting as finished, even though overdrive took it back before I could read the last chapter.
These stories illustrate clearly how the personal helps us to see the universal. These are powerful, relatable stories of women within and adjacent to the LDS church, especially as they experience romance (or its absence or it’s loss) and faith (or its absence or it’s loss). Great for feminists and people navigating mixed faith marriage in the Mormon and Mormon adjacent culture.
These stories illustrate clearly how the personal helps us to see the universal. These are powerful, relatable stories of women within and adjacent to the LDS church, especially as they experience romance (or its absence or it’s loss) and faith (or its absence or it’s loss). Great for feminists and people navigating mixed faith marriage in the Mormon and Mormon adjacent culture.
December 4, 2017
A very interesting read for me. There were more stories about unsuccessful marriages than successful ones, but the editor specifically said in the foreword that this happened because those with happy marriages felt unqualified to write about it- or worse, attributed their happiness to luck. And some of those "happy marriage" stories were revoked when they found out the book would contain a story related to homosexuality (what a shame). However, I was unaffected by the proportion of unhappy/happy because I found it quite edifying either way-- every woman has a story to tell and I appreciated the perspective each one brought to my life. There were quite a few essays that dealt with how the pedestaling of marriage, as an institution, caused unions that would not have happened had the LDS culture not attributed to that idolization. There were more than a few women who left their marriages and the church in one fell swoop, which is indicative to me of how the culture of marriage and divorce is treated at church and how we can DO BETTER to help people through these painful transitions with loving non-judgment. If you're expecting a book that parrots the perceived perfection of marriage that we get each Sunday and from our leaders then this is not the book for you. If you want REAL, sometimes painful, uncomfortable memoirs about love, bitterness, abuse, sorrow, compromise, and faith then this book is for you. I appreciate these women and how they let me see into their inner-most selves and deepest relationships. They shared their stories, whatever their content, to help us understand their lives- and that was very powerful for me.
September 28, 2016
Exactly how I feel
I gave this group of essays 5 stars because the events and experiences articulate my own journey through the maze of being a woman raised in the Mormon church. I'm very fortunate to be married to a man who has been my biggest fan and advocate for nearly fifty years. We have struggled with the same issues expressed by many of these women. For all intents and purposes I no longer consider myself a member of the Mormon religion. Its been extremely difficult to separate my belief and faith in God from the church. Reading these essays has helped a great deal. I can still believe in God and not be a Mormon. Thanks for that realization
I gave this group of essays 5 stars because the events and experiences articulate my own journey through the maze of being a woman raised in the Mormon church. I'm very fortunate to be married to a man who has been my biggest fan and advocate for nearly fifty years. We have struggled with the same issues expressed by many of these women. For all intents and purposes I no longer consider myself a member of the Mormon religion. Its been extremely difficult to separate my belief and faith in God from the church. Reading these essays has helped a great deal. I can still believe in God and not be a Mormon. Thanks for that realization
September 15, 2016
A must-read book for anyone interested in contemporary religion.
September 18, 2016
Interesting collection of essays on marriage and love mostly by Mormon feminists including an essay by a good friend.
August 9, 2024
I became aware of this book when I attended a reading for Revising Eternity: 27 Latter-day Saint Men Reflect on Modern Relationships, which could be thought of as the male version of this book, at the King's English a couple of years ago. (The common link between the two books is that Holly Welker edited both.)
This is the kind of book you might not want to read straight through. I preferred to skip around in it. The table of contents includes a short synopsis for each story, which makes it easier to zero in on the more interesting stories. (Not surprisingly, some of them interested me more than others. And other readers may find a completely different set of these stories more interesting than the ones I enjoyed.)
Aside from the simple enjoyment of reading short accounts of women's and men's personal stories about their marriages, I think these two books are a great source of information about the experience of marriage in contemporary LDS culture.
The only drawback I can think of is that it centers solely on the US experience. I'd love to see an additional volume of stories of members of the Church from outside the USA.
This is the kind of book you might not want to read straight through. I preferred to skip around in it. The table of contents includes a short synopsis for each story, which makes it easier to zero in on the more interesting stories. (Not surprisingly, some of them interested me more than others. And other readers may find a completely different set of these stories more interesting than the ones I enjoyed.)
Aside from the simple enjoyment of reading short accounts of women's and men's personal stories about their marriages, I think these two books are a great source of information about the experience of marriage in contemporary LDS culture.
The only drawback I can think of is that it centers solely on the US experience. I'd love to see an additional volume of stories of members of the Church from outside the USA.
January 19, 2018
The title should really say “... and (Mostly Failed) Marriages”. As an LDS woman who appreciates the need for more open and honest conversations about the topics mentioned in the title, I thought this would be a good read. While I appreciate the candid stories that these women shared, I read mostly with a morbid fascination. I know that marriage is not always easy, but if this book is your only glimpse into LDS marriage, you will walk away with a very negative picture. I know that she addresses the lack of happy marriages in her intro, but you also find out that the author has never been married and has a pretty negative view of the institution. So I wonder if she’s perfectly happy to not have more happy examples to share.
The stars are for the honesty and for the rare gems that I found. The lack of stars is for the extreme bias.
The stars are for the honesty and for the rare gems that I found. The lack of stars is for the extreme bias.
May 31, 2021
Easy reading essay by 36 LDS women. Each one was interesting. I appreciate that these women took the time to share their experience of marriage and being Mormon. The LDS faith encourages people to get married young and quickly. This can have a huge affect on the divorce rate and they also encourage you to have children fast which again affects the divorce rate.
July 14, 2016
***I got this book from NetGalley to give an honest review***
This collection of essay's is interesting. And quite frankly, sad. The essays' were insightful and it was good to read experiences from different women of the Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) faith. But I found many of the arguments one sided. Most of the essay's are written by women who are strongly feminist (and there is nothing wrong with that) who (more or less) had a bad experience with the church. Women who felt that they couldn't be themselves in a marriage and blamed the teachings of the church. I'd have to say that yes I am more conservative and not as feminist as most of the writers of these essays, but I still believe that in a marriage (or any relationship) that things should be equal. I'm going to school and I work, but someday I do want to be a mother. And that's not because of what the church taught me, or even my own mother, that's what I want to do. I feel that a lot of these essays were from women that were bitter about being placed in a role that they didn't want. I don't want to judge but honestly my thoughts in most of the essay's were "why don't you do something about it?" in regards to whatever they were struggling with.
But like I said before the essay's are insightful. And I think it's important to remember that we are all different, but that we need to treat each other with tolerance and love, and that includes ourselves.
Also, I felt that some of the experiences were a bit dated, the things that they said about the church aren't quite true for right now, probably applicable to when they experienced them, but I would have to say that things are changing.
This book wasn't at all what I expected, and I feel as though it is slightly misleading. I felt as though there could have been more experiences shared than just the more feminist side, because I believe that there are LDS women who truly do love being mothers and enjoy their roles as wife's whether they stay home with the kids or work. I know that because I'm one of them, and I guess I just would have liked to see more of that side. I did enjoy reading the essays, they gave me a different perspective to see, but in the end there were only a handful that I liked, and the rest, well they just made me sad.
This collection of essay's is interesting. And quite frankly, sad. The essays' were insightful and it was good to read experiences from different women of the Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) faith. But I found many of the arguments one sided. Most of the essay's are written by women who are strongly feminist (and there is nothing wrong with that) who (more or less) had a bad experience with the church. Women who felt that they couldn't be themselves in a marriage and blamed the teachings of the church. I'd have to say that yes I am more conservative and not as feminist as most of the writers of these essays, but I still believe that in a marriage (or any relationship) that things should be equal. I'm going to school and I work, but someday I do want to be a mother. And that's not because of what the church taught me, or even my own mother, that's what I want to do. I feel that a lot of these essays were from women that were bitter about being placed in a role that they didn't want. I don't want to judge but honestly my thoughts in most of the essay's were "why don't you do something about it?" in regards to whatever they were struggling with.
But like I said before the essay's are insightful. And I think it's important to remember that we are all different, but that we need to treat each other with tolerance and love, and that includes ourselves.
Also, I felt that some of the experiences were a bit dated, the things that they said about the church aren't quite true for right now, probably applicable to when they experienced them, but I would have to say that things are changing.
This book wasn't at all what I expected, and I feel as though it is slightly misleading. I felt as though there could have been more experiences shared than just the more feminist side, because I believe that there are LDS women who truly do love being mothers and enjoy their roles as wife's whether they stay home with the kids or work. I know that because I'm one of them, and I guess I just would have liked to see more of that side. I did enjoy reading the essays, they gave me a different perspective to see, but in the end there were only a handful that I liked, and the rest, well they just made me sad.
September 25, 2016
Really only for my lds friends. I wavered between 2 1/3 and 3 stars. Went with three because several essays in this collection really were quite good. My biggest beef with the collection is, although it's billed as a "Mormon Women..." essay collection on marriage, it felt like half of them (or more) were a combination of marriage essay/losing my religion essay. I wish it had been less losing my religion and more marriage. It got pretty repetitive with that theme. Not that those essays aren't valuable to read, but that's a different topic. Anyhow, I picked this is because s friend wrote one of the included essays and I wanted to read it. I also liked reading those where I could relate to them. Also, it felt a little voyeuristic, but in a good way, reading about other people's marriages. So much happens behind closed doors and we never really know what's going on with people. This was an opportunity to have a peek.
August 22, 2016
A brilliant kaleidoscope of heartwarming and heart-wrenching narratives. Life is messy and unpredictable, so it follows that love, marriage and sex -- with its accompanying expectations and disappointments, triumphs and tragedies -- is predictably indeterminate. These essays are beautifully written and their level of veracity captured my heart. Impeccably edited. I highly recommend it.
October 30, 2016
Interesting , if lopsided view of marrraige from the perspective of LDS women. The majority of the essays were detailing failed marraiges or women who have lost faith in their religion. A couple of them were R-rated. I would have liked to read more from women who had made a "success" from the challenges. There were a couple from well-known writers that were really enjoyable to read.
October 20, 2016
Essays on the often complicated and messy institution of marriage from members/disaffected members of the LDS church. Most were sad, perhaps proving the Anna Karenina Principle: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
April 18, 2017
Didn't finish it. This book was more feminist than I can stand. I was thinking it would be more of a look inside their lives but it wasn't.
August 15, 2018
This book was well-written but in the end wasn't my cup of tea. I think it's because I was an adult, post=marriage convert, so a lot of this didn't really speak to me. However, I have heard good things from Mormon women who married in the temple. I think it's an important topic, and I'm glad that someone is writing about it!!
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews