What do you think?
Rate this book
When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships
Based on research on sixty dysfunctional couples, presents information on domestic abuse, the kind of men who perpetrate it, and treatment options
304 pages, Hardcover
Published March 10, 1998
9 people are currently reading
260 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
June 28, 2024
Un viaje alucinante por la psicología de los maltratadores y sus relaciones de pareja. Es cierto que no todo lo que el libro describe es 100% aplicable a la realidad española actual, en primer lugar porque el libro se centra, como es lógico, en EEUU, que es un país muchísimo más violento que el nuestro. En segundo lugar, porque el libro se publicó en 2001 (edición española), y afortunadamente es mucho lo que se ha avanzado en este tema también. De modo que la parte en la que describe los recursos legales y la desprotección que afrontan las mujeres maltratadas, no estaría completamente actualizado.
Sin embargo, es muy relevante la descripción que hace de las dos tipologías básicas de maltratador ("cobras" y "pitbulls"), las dinámicas que conllevan sus violencias, qué hace que las mujeres sigan o abandonen las relaciones con estos, y todos los mitos sobre el abuso y el maltrato que siguen persistiendo. Es cierto que a Gottman le gustan mucho ideas como la teoría del apego o la EFT de Sue Johnson, que son explicaciones enteramente endebles, pero eso no desmerece la calidad y el rigor de su propia investigación, además de señalar que, en 2001, Gottman ya señalaba la influencia de la cultura patriarcal y sus consecuencias negativas sobre hombres y mujeres, lo cual es una rareza en ese momento en la disciplina.
Un libro que considero imprescindible en esta materia.
Sin embargo, es muy relevante la descripción que hace de las dos tipologías básicas de maltratador ("cobras" y "pitbulls"), las dinámicas que conllevan sus violencias, qué hace que las mujeres sigan o abandonen las relaciones con estos, y todos los mitos sobre el abuso y el maltrato que siguen persistiendo. Es cierto que a Gottman le gustan mucho ideas como la teoría del apego o la EFT de Sue Johnson, que son explicaciones enteramente endebles, pero eso no desmerece la calidad y el rigor de su propia investigación, además de señalar que, en 2001, Gottman ya señalaba la influencia de la cultura patriarcal y sus consecuencias negativas sobre hombres y mujeres, lo cual es una rareza en ese momento en la disciplina.
Un libro que considero imprescindible en esta materia.
May 25, 2014
I read this more than ten years ago but continue to refer clients to it today.
Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. and the late Neil Jacobsen, Ph.D. put batterers into two types:
Cobras: more methodical when inflicting violence and highly likely to have been abused themselves in life (physically, sexually, emotionally) and often see violence as a legitimate means to solving problems.
Pit Bulls: insecure, having unhealthy dependence upon women -- anger quickly with less focused and more chronic type of anger pattern in which they are reluctant to let go of an argument and refuse to admit their role in it or any blame.
If you are struggling with an unhealthy relationship or know someone who is, this is a great read to understand the difficult dynamics at play.
Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. and the late Neil Jacobsen, Ph.D. put batterers into two types:
Cobras: more methodical when inflicting violence and highly likely to have been abused themselves in life (physically, sexually, emotionally) and often see violence as a legitimate means to solving problems.
Pit Bulls: insecure, having unhealthy dependence upon women -- anger quickly with less focused and more chronic type of anger pattern in which they are reluctant to let go of an argument and refuse to admit their role in it or any blame.
If you are struggling with an unhealthy relationship or know someone who is, this is a great read to understand the difficult dynamics at play.
March 22, 2012
Fascinating and necessary read for anyone who wants to understand the nature of relationship violence. The first book I've read on the subject that relies on live observations vs. reports from those in abusive relationships (which are often unreliable). Also the first book that categorizes abusive men into two distinct types: Cobras and Pit Bulls. This will be immensely helpful in my work with abused women. It offers a thorough understanding of the dynamic of the batterer and the battered, as well as practical guidance for rehabilitating the batterer and for liberating the battered.
May 19, 2016
“When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships” has a lot to offer. It starts off with a direct look at abusive relationships and the legal system that fails battered women, and towards the end become a self-help book for women who want out of those relationships.
They divide physically abusive men into Pit Bulls and Cobras. Both types of men come from violent families and abuse alcohol, heroin, or cocaine at such high rates those drugs could be considered excellent warning signs. Pit Bulls are emotionally insecure, needy, jealous, more likely to feel remorse but also more likely to stalk a woman who leaves him. When violent, their heart rate increases with excitement. Cobras are jealous of their independence, are able to induce emotional dependence in the woman (or chose women who are likely candidates), are harder to leave but less likely to stalk a woman if she does, and their heart rate goes down when engaged in violence. Physical abuse is always accompanied with emotional abuse, but not the other way around.
They have two tests women can take to help them decide if they are being abused: by isolation and by degradation, which are pretty self-explanatory terms. Out of curiosity, I took the test while thinking back to my ex-wife. My memories of her are fifteen years out of date, but such as it is, she scored as abusive by isolation but not by degradation. I have vivid memories of her trying to control me by undercutting my relationships with friends and family. I really doubt any woman could score high as an abuser by degradation since many of the questions assume greater physical and economic resources.
I wish I could ask the authors about their ratings system for the answers: 1 for never (carries out that abusive act), 2 for rarely, 4 for occasionally, and 5 for often. Why not 0 for never? Why the jump between 2 and 4?
Jacobson and Gottman’s choice of words is deliberate and for me philosophically troubling. According to their research, the best way to convince men who beat women to stop is to toss them in jail so they will realize that there are consequences to their actions. Therapy apparently doesn’t work because they learn how to tell therapists what they want to hear. These men are very good at talking themselves out of trouble with cops, lawyers, and psychologists. So the authors want these men treated as criminals rather than as patients.
Which is fine by me so far as that goes. However, it means while they show that abusive men were once abused kids, they always avoid stating causation. They don’t want to say, he abused because he was abused. The authors strongly assert the choices and free will of the abusers because, as I wrote above, they want these men treated as criminals rather than as patients. But the primary reason I could forgive my ex-wife was my assumption of causation; her parents mistreated her and she continued the cycle. I find free will a psychologically and philosophically dubious proposition, necessary to believe in to justify Heaven and Hell but not very useful otherwise. But if the only way to behaviorally condition a man to stop hitting women is to toss him in jail, I’m okay with that. The authors point out that one excuse the justice system has used to not put them in prison is that prisons are already overcrowded; the answer is to let out non-violent offenders and put in more of the violent ones. If you want to use therapy to stop marital violence, you’ll have to catch these men as kids and get them out of abusive homes before they are conditioned to be violent themselves.
They divide physically abusive men into Pit Bulls and Cobras. Both types of men come from violent families and abuse alcohol, heroin, or cocaine at such high rates those drugs could be considered excellent warning signs. Pit Bulls are emotionally insecure, needy, jealous, more likely to feel remorse but also more likely to stalk a woman who leaves him. When violent, their heart rate increases with excitement. Cobras are jealous of their independence, are able to induce emotional dependence in the woman (or chose women who are likely candidates), are harder to leave but less likely to stalk a woman if she does, and their heart rate goes down when engaged in violence. Physical abuse is always accompanied with emotional abuse, but not the other way around.
They have two tests women can take to help them decide if they are being abused: by isolation and by degradation, which are pretty self-explanatory terms. Out of curiosity, I took the test while thinking back to my ex-wife. My memories of her are fifteen years out of date, but such as it is, she scored as abusive by isolation but not by degradation. I have vivid memories of her trying to control me by undercutting my relationships with friends and family. I really doubt any woman could score high as an abuser by degradation since many of the questions assume greater physical and economic resources.
I wish I could ask the authors about their ratings system for the answers: 1 for never (carries out that abusive act), 2 for rarely, 4 for occasionally, and 5 for often. Why not 0 for never? Why the jump between 2 and 4?
Jacobson and Gottman’s choice of words is deliberate and for me philosophically troubling. According to their research, the best way to convince men who beat women to stop is to toss them in jail so they will realize that there are consequences to their actions. Therapy apparently doesn’t work because they learn how to tell therapists what they want to hear. These men are very good at talking themselves out of trouble with cops, lawyers, and psychologists. So the authors want these men treated as criminals rather than as patients.
Which is fine by me so far as that goes. However, it means while they show that abusive men were once abused kids, they always avoid stating causation. They don’t want to say, he abused because he was abused. The authors strongly assert the choices and free will of the abusers because, as I wrote above, they want these men treated as criminals rather than as patients. But the primary reason I could forgive my ex-wife was my assumption of causation; her parents mistreated her and she continued the cycle. I find free will a psychologically and philosophically dubious proposition, necessary to believe in to justify Heaven and Hell but not very useful otherwise. But if the only way to behaviorally condition a man to stop hitting women is to toss him in jail, I’m okay with that. The authors point out that one excuse the justice system has used to not put them in prison is that prisons are already overcrowded; the answer is to let out non-violent offenders and put in more of the violent ones. If you want to use therapy to stop marital violence, you’ll have to catch these men as kids and get them out of abusive homes before they are conditioned to be violent themselves.
Read
March 6, 2013عندما يضرب الرجال النساء
يدرس الكتاب حالات من العنف الشديد والاهانة التي تتعرض لها بعض النساء من قبل أزواجهم
في حقبة ماضية بتاريخ امريكا (منتصف الثرن الماضي)، كان الموضوع امرا معتادا لدرجة ان كثير ممن مررن به لم يرونه أمرا غير عادي.. مع نشاطات الحركة النسوية لحقوق المرأة، بدأ الوعي يزيد، ولكن العنف ضد النساء ما زال يحدث في المجتمعات المدنية الحديثة، (كما يمكننا رؤيته بصفة مستمرة في مجتمعاتنا الذكورية) حيث لا يزال العنف الأسري أمرا متكررا لا يعاقب عليه الرجل
يتناول الكتاب الحالات الشديدة من العنف ضد الزوجات (والتي قد تتطور الى محاولة قتل.. الأمر قد ينطبق على الابناء أيضا).. يستخدم تصنيفين لهذا النوع من الرجال العنيفين :
الكوبرا"، كثيرا من الأحيان ما يكون "سايكوباث" لا يشعر بأي نوع من التعاطف مع" الأشخاص الاخرين ولا بالندم عند أذيتهم. ضغطه على المرأة بالابتزاز الصامت.. غالبا ما تبقى المرأة معه لأنها رأت منه الجانب الذي أحبته (وعلى أساس ذلك تزوجته، قبل أن يظهر لها الجانب العنيف بعد ان ضمت انها علقت في الفخ)، وتحاول اعادته الى هذا
احيانا كثيرة يحاول هذا الرجل تصريف زوجته التي تكون متعلقة به رافضة تركه
النوع الثاني هو "الثور الهائج".. الذي تتكوم انفعالاته اثناء نوبة الغضب حتى يتم رمي خيباته على الزوجة فيضربها (مثلا، يعود غاضبا من العمل فيخرج غضبه عليها). هذا النوع أيضا يشعر بالقلق من أن تتركه، يشك ويراقب زوجته.. بداخله احساس بعدم الثقة بالنفس، والاعتماد الشديد على وجود زوجته من اجله
عندما يضرب هذا النوع زوجته، قد يكون هناك احساس بالندم، وقد يعقبه اعتذار شديد وبكاء لتسامحه، قبل أن تتكرر الكرة
يستخدم الكتاب مثال أوجيه سيمبسون، الذي يدوره ادعى أن زوجته دفعته لنوبات الغضب بابتزازها العاطفي ولسانها
يرى الكتاب ان كثيرا من الحالات لا يحلها الاستشارات الاسرية للتحكم بالغضب،فيحدث تكرار لنفس الأمر
كما يتحدث عن كثير من الأفكار المغلوطة، كأن الزوجة هي من دفعه لضربها(قد يقوم المجتمع بإلقاء مثل هذه الاتهامات ولومها، وقد تكون المرأة هي بذاتها من تشعر بأنها السبب في انفعاله).. معلومة أخرى هو أنه قد يتم تفسير مثل هذه الظاهرة بأن الرجل يقوم بنوبات العنف تحت تأثير المسكرات او المخدرات.. نعم، قد يكون المسكر موجودا في الاطار ولكنه قد يكون اعراضا وليس سببا..
ما زلت اقرأ الكتاب.. والصدفة أن جيراني بالدور الأسفل يتبادلان قذائف شتائم عنيفة وانا اكتب هذا :$
يتبع
يدرس الكتاب حالات من العنف الشديد والاهانة التي تتعرض لها بعض النساء من قبل أزواجهم
في حقبة ماضية بتاريخ امريكا (منتصف الثرن الماضي)، كان الموضوع امرا معتادا لدرجة ان كثير ممن مررن به لم يرونه أمرا غير عادي.. مع نشاطات الحركة النسوية لحقوق المرأة، بدأ الوعي يزيد، ولكن العنف ضد النساء ما زال يحدث في المجتمعات المدنية الحديثة، (كما يمكننا رؤيته بصفة مستمرة في مجتمعاتنا الذكورية) حيث لا يزال العنف الأسري أمرا متكررا لا يعاقب عليه الرجل
يتناول الكتاب الحالات الشديدة من العنف ضد الزوجات (والتي قد تتطور الى محاولة قتل.. الأمر قد ينطبق على الابناء أيضا).. يستخدم تصنيفين لهذا النوع من الرجال العنيفين :
الكوبرا"، كثيرا من الأحيان ما يكون "سايكوباث" لا يشعر بأي نوع من التعاطف مع" الأشخاص الاخرين ولا بالندم عند أذيتهم. ضغطه على المرأة بالابتزاز الصامت.. غالبا ما تبقى المرأة معه لأنها رأت منه الجانب الذي أحبته (وعلى أساس ذلك تزوجته، قبل أن يظهر لها الجانب العنيف بعد ان ضمت انها علقت في الفخ)، وتحاول اعادته الى هذا
احيانا كثيرة يحاول هذا الرجل تصريف زوجته التي تكون متعلقة به رافضة تركه
النوع الثاني هو "الثور الهائج".. الذي تتكوم انفعالاته اثناء نوبة الغضب حتى يتم رمي خيباته على الزوجة فيضربها (مثلا، يعود غاضبا من العمل فيخرج غضبه عليها). هذا النوع أيضا يشعر بالقلق من أن تتركه، يشك ويراقب زوجته.. بداخله احساس بعدم الثقة بالنفس، والاعتماد الشديد على وجود زوجته من اجله
عندما يضرب هذا النوع زوجته، قد يكون هناك احساس بالندم، وقد يعقبه اعتذار شديد وبكاء لتسامحه، قبل أن تتكرر الكرة
يستخدم الكتاب مثال أوجيه سيمبسون، الذي يدوره ادعى أن زوجته دفعته لنوبات الغضب بابتزازها العاطفي ولسانها
يرى الكتاب ان كثيرا من الحالات لا يحلها الاستشارات الاسرية للتحكم بالغضب،فيحدث تكرار لنفس الأمر
كما يتحدث عن كثير من الأفكار المغلوطة، كأن الزوجة هي من دفعه لضربها(قد يقوم المجتمع بإلقاء مثل هذه الاتهامات ولومها، وقد تكون المرأة هي بذاتها من تشعر بأنها السبب في انفعاله).. معلومة أخرى هو أنه قد يتم تفسير مثل هذه الظاهرة بأن الرجل يقوم بنوبات العنف تحت تأثير المسكرات او المخدرات.. نعم، قد يكون المسكر موجودا في الاطار ولكنه قد يكون اعراضا وليس سببا..
ما زلت اقرأ الكتاب.. والصدفة أن جيراني بالدور الأسفل يتبادلان قذائف شتائم عنيفة وانا اكتب هذا :$
يتبع
November 30, 2013
Sometimes I hate the books I need to read for work. Not for anything that is wrong about the book, but more about what the book is about. When Men Batter Women is one of those books.
Domestic Violence and emotional abuse are one of the plagues that affect hundreds of thousands of marriages every year. Even though we have come a long way in Women's rights, many find themselves victimized at home by men who claim to love them. This book sheds a lot of light on this problem and how to solve it.
There is a lot of good things to say about this book. It is easy to read and covers a great deal of material. It provides myths about domestic violence, identifying the main types of domestic violence, and answers to that question, should I stay or go?
The two types of abusers dealt with in the book: pit bulls and cobras provide insight into what type of people a victim might be dealing with.
The authors deal with how to identify and deal with these two types of abusers and I found that information invaluable.
The book also answers the question of whether or not the abuse will end..and it was interesting, but not surprising for them to say that it probably wouldn't. There are many different caveats that are needed in order for the abuse to stop, and most of these are never met.
The authors' writing is clear and well presented.
I highly recommend this book for anybody dealing with an abusive situation or those who want to understand this problem even more.
Grade: B+
Domestic Violence and emotional abuse are one of the plagues that affect hundreds of thousands of marriages every year. Even though we have come a long way in Women's rights, many find themselves victimized at home by men who claim to love them. This book sheds a lot of light on this problem and how to solve it.
There is a lot of good things to say about this book. It is easy to read and covers a great deal of material. It provides myths about domestic violence, identifying the main types of domestic violence, and answers to that question, should I stay or go?
The two types of abusers dealt with in the book: pit bulls and cobras provide insight into what type of people a victim might be dealing with.
The authors deal with how to identify and deal with these two types of abusers and I found that information invaluable.
The book also answers the question of whether or not the abuse will end..and it was interesting, but not surprising for them to say that it probably wouldn't. There are many different caveats that are needed in order for the abuse to stop, and most of these are never met.
The authors' writing is clear and well presented.
I highly recommend this book for anybody dealing with an abusive situation or those who want to understand this problem even more.
Grade: B+
February 6, 2015
The research that Gottman and Jacobson put into this book points to some astonishing conlusions: one being that there are some abusive men that actually calm themselves down by being abusvie to their partners. These are often the most abusive and even deadly partnerships. They include identifying characteristics of abuse relationships, practical advice for the victims, and the often silent voice of the woman in abusive relationships.
Although very informative, it is quite lengthy and could even be a little cumbersome for an overwhelmed woman to process. I recommend it especially for someone trying to help women get out of an abusive relationship.
When Men Batter Women is an eye-opening and trustworthy source of qualitative research and victim advocacy.
Although very informative, it is quite lengthy and could even be a little cumbersome for an overwhelmed woman to process. I recommend it especially for someone trying to help women get out of an abusive relationship.
When Men Batter Women is an eye-opening and trustworthy source of qualitative research and victim advocacy.
January 24, 2008
Women do not have to guess when they are in danger. There is research that reveals behaviors which statistically predict future violence. I recommend the book to those studying quantitative research in human behavior and to women who have a tiny little concern about a dating relationship.
February 11, 2008
Such a difficult read because of the brutality of some of the situations, but a very important read!
September 18, 2008
Excellent book. Hard to read. Brought back many memories and it was very helpful. I strongly recommend both men and women read this book. It will help you to re-evaluate how you relate to others.
May 15, 2019
One of the premises of the book is a classification of abusive men in Cobras and Pitbulls. Those two groups are never explained logically. Let's take a Venn-diagram with two sets of information and an overlap. It makes sense to explain these three sections. Not so in the book: The authors explain the three sets simultaneously and do so even in chapters dealing with for instance the Cobra.
Yes, I learned about finding words for my past abusive situation: patriarchal marriage, and giving up the dream. I will use that knowledge to present my situation.
www.patreon.com/mamalou
Yes, I learned about finding words for my past abusive situation: patriarchal marriage, and giving up the dream. I will use that knowledge to present my situation.
www.patreon.com/mamalou
June 7, 2021
I remember reading this during my master's programme and it's the first psychotherapy related book for which I made separate notes for. It was one of those books that were rife with gems of knowledge. The perfect balance of research and lived experiences coming together to make an important body of work. I always go back to this to understand the nuances of the vicious cycle of domestic abuse better.
February 7, 2020
Read it 5 years ago for my Bachelors of Science Final Thesis about Educating Pastors about Domestic Violence in the Church. Very helpful. Cited it many times.
September 19, 2020
Insights in to ending abusive relationships. Basics need for working with survivors and those still embroiled.
February 18, 2021
Important read for anyone who works with people affected by domestic violence in any way.
April 29, 2011
Easy to read book. It expresses abusive relationships based on the types of batterers, Cobras and Pitbulls. Breaking each type of batterer down and how the relationships can or will evolve. How each couple that they studied eventually turned out. I learned a whole lot and would recommend it and read it again.
September 14, 2014
Researched information on battering.
January 15, 2023
Hardcopy in my personal library.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews