İlişkinin Tadı Tuzu

by Resmaa Menakem

İki insan ne için birbirine aşık olur? Bir süre sonra tartışmak, çatışmak için mi? Aynen öyle! Aşkın baş döndüren, gözleri kör eden o ilk dönemi geçtikten sonra hâlâ aranızda anlaşmazlık, uyuşmazlık yoksa ve bazen kavga etmiyorsanız asıl o zaman ilişkinizde ciddi sorun vardır! İki kişinin, "mutlu bir çift" olarak iyi ve güzel şeylerin keyfini sürmesinin yanı sıra zorlukları ve sıkıntıları birlikte aşmaları hiç de kolay değildir. Bunun için güvenilir ve dürüst bir ilişki şarttır ve bu türden her ilişki doğal olarak çatışma üretir. Ancak çiftlerin büyük çoğunluğu çatışmadan kaçınmaya veya farklılıkları önemsizleştirmeye, görmezden gelmeye çalışır; böylece daha rahat ve huzurlu olacaklarını düşünürler. Oysa bu doğru değildir. İlişkinizde ömür boyu sığ sularda dolaşmayıp da derin denizlere açılmak istiyorsanız fırtınalarla boğuşmayı, hatta kayalıklara bindirmeyi göze almanız gerekir.

Çatışmadan kaçınmak demek her zaman için en azından bir tarafın kendi kişiliğinden ve bütünlüğünden ödün vermesi ve dolayısıyla büyümekten uzak kalması demektir. Bu kitap ilişkilerde büyümeyi ve olgunlaşmayı ele alıyor; ve kaçınılmaz olarak büyümenin ağrısız, sancısız olamayacağını vurguluyor. Duygusal veya düşünsel farklılıklar, uyuşmazlıklar çatışmaya yol açar ama aynı zamanda değişim ve dönüşüm için de bir fırsattır. Çift terapisinde deneyimli yazar Resmaa Manakem uyuşmazlığı, çatışmayı yöneterek ilişkinizi nasıl daha derin ve güçlü kılacağınızı anlatıyor.
(Tanıtım Bülteninden)

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Nonfiction, Marriage, Self Help, Counselling, Grad School

360 pages, Paperback

First published April 28, 2015

About the author

Resmaa Menakem, MSW, LICSW, SEP, is a leading voice in today’s conversation on racialized trauma. He created Cultural Somatics, which utilizes the body and resilience as mechanisms for growth.

As a therapist, trauma specialist, and the founder of Justice Leadership Solutions, a leadership consulting firm, Resmaa dedicates his expertise to coaching leaders through civil unrest, organizational change, and community building.

He is the author of the national bestseller My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies and the forthcoming The Quaking of America: An Embodied Guide to Navigating Our National Upheaval and Racial Reckoning.

Reviews

[Annie Mahon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on why difficulties in our closest relationships are important to developing our wisdom and how to work with them.

[Lilian Flesher · Rating 4 out of 5]

We always end up distraught, upset, arguing, and this is normal everyday life, but once you read this book, you will question yourself, the author certainly makes you think about what is right and what is wrong, it helps you understand that we need these feelings to show us that things are important to us.. Sticking your head in the sand never helps anyone because true as I write this the problem will raise its ugly head again and probably bite you in the ass harder for ignoring it the previous time. The Author makes us think, sometimes it is painful, she mentions dirty pain, a lot of us have had a taste of that and as much as we dislike it we do have to go through these particular things in order to help our relationships, not just with our partners but relationships with family and friends.
There is an old saying "don't rock the boat" but, in this case, please do - read this great book, and do rock the boat as our conflicts can overcome problems. I did not read this because I am having marital problems, quite the opposite, I am very happy in my marriage, but there is always room to improve, and I am not too old in the tooth to admit sometimes some good advice works wonders.

[Judy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned a lot !

[Sevé Torres · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of top 5 most important books I have ever read. If you're in a committed relationship of any variety, committed to growth/transformation, and doing the work this is a must-read.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars.
This book is a good corrective to overly-focusing on what others can/should do to make an individual feel better. It is an invitation to courage to take care of ourselves and confront our own weaknesses. I wish there had been some more time spent also articulating what kinds of care and what experience of care and compassion could be like in a healthy relationship. The narrative seemed to be just that people should get in romantic, committed relationship solely to have their buttons pushed and be forced to grow up (kind of like Welwood without the spiritual enlightenment piece) which just seems incredibly grown up and not a whole lot of fun. There were moments when it is briefly acknowledged that lovers should and can hold each other in their hearts but it wasn't clear how that happens or feels .

Is there any adult role for comforting or seeking comfort from one's Beloved? I hope so but Menakem didn't make that clear or draw a picture of this happening. [p 275]

Also, Menakem -- I think correctly -- points out how polyamory can be an escape from "the heat that creates growth and transformation" [p292], but doesn't acknowledge that polyamory can be an emotionally adult was of engaging and growing which I believe is also true.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why is no one talking about this book?!

I am so glad I looked into Rock the Boat, Menakem’s lesser-known but equally incredible book about how to use conflict to deepen relationships. I want to gift this to everyone in my life (and the world) and wish I could have read this as a teenager.

What do I love about this book? It has a very “call it as I see it” tone and it normalizes relationship challenges in a way that is refreshing given how weirdly taboo the topic is. It also frames the conflict cycle in a way that's new to me yet speaks so much to my lived experience. The framework and language is super helpful for navigating, processing, and communicating around conflict and there is a lot of emphasis on accountability and integrity.

Without hesitation, I recommend this book to everyone.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a longer book with really short chapters, making the book easy to put down at stopping points and pick back up. So short are the chapters one might decide to read a chapter or two as a daily relationship “devotional” and mull over the book’s content. Menakem is direct and talking to readers on a very straight and excellent speaker level: memorable, relatable, and just enough humor that you won’t forget his lessons. He is an expert while simultaneously demonstrating his humility and humanity. Conflict is the theme: how and why “critical mass” conflict erupts at some point in any relationship. Critical mass is a juncture. Parties in the relationship can “grow up” – that is, understand their own powers of emotional regulation and not weaponize their own pain against their partner – or not – that is, remain immature and hurt their partners as a function of alleviating their own pain. Menakem’s mentor Dr. David Schnarch conceptualized these forms of pain as clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is sadness and anger that wakes us up to live our values authentically and grow in dialog with our partner; dirty pain lives out as commonplace cruelty where we are nasty, unkind, and aggressive (both passive and active) to those we love. Clean pain grows people and changes the world; dirty pain passes cruelty along in a cycle. Rather than be a safety net of connection, Manaken holds relationships in regard as opportunities to grow us up into self-actualized adults. The love relationship holds no higher calling or purpose. This is quite a veer from other orientations like attachment theory which acknowledge and honor our social needs for connection and safety and that trauma itself is the slipping of safety from right under our feet. Rather than turn down the heat of conflict, Manaken believes in allowing it to cook and erupt helps us become the people we are meant to be if we can answer the call. When conflict erupts, we can practice self-soothing and practice the five anchors to stand oriented to the world and in our own integrity even when conflict and difficult emotions rise. The five anchors are: soothing ourself, noticing the vibrations and sensations in our bodies, accepting the discomfort, staying present in our bodies, and discharging the tough energy when possible through physical activity. If we stand in our authentic self and our authentic values, we may explode into conflict with our partner, but we are on the course to have self-love and self-respect and become our true self. When living with intention and integrity, not only are we more in tune with ourselves, we are more likely to practice clean pain rather than dirty pain. Menakem also gives his take on most couple’s therapy which he acknowledges is outside the professional consensus. Most therapists, in his opinion, soften conflict just as it’s getting to enough critical mass to make a difference and help a couple or a person in the relationship make a break into fundamental change. Therapists cool the conflict down just as they need to let things boil. This perspective seems to lean potentially inclusive of allowing four horsemen behaviors that could potentially be potentially devastating, it is worth considering. Another view Menakem offers outside of general therapist consensus is that domestic violence is incredibility sanctioned so much that no distinction is made between abusers who can learn new behaviors (ie, people who have trouble with emotional regulation) versus those who are unlikely to change (ie, those with severe personality disorders). Not making distinctions makes it harder to change people (and the subsequent relationships) that could change because an abuser’s personhood is automatically somewhat automatically discredited because of what they have done. Menakem advocates for holding people utterly accountable for their behavior as unacceptable while still acknowledging their humanity. This work invites readers to consider how conflict has an interactional affect with your relationship. Critical mass may force your relationship into a more solid, safe place where you have each grown up, you may end up growing up for your own sake if the relationship cannot survive critical mass. Either way, you can become more of your authentic, regulated self in conflict. Part of growing up is standing steady when critical mass arrives at your relationship.

*** For more relationship resources, please visit my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***

[Cliff Adrian · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love historical events like this.
Boats and historical events are what make me love reading. Could you please share the sequel books of your series?

In fact, even though I started reading very late, I'm getting more and more immersed every day.

It is a great chance to read the books of important authors. I know that. I'm looking forward to your new books.

I am writing the importance of reading a book here for friends who want to read this book. I hope it will benefit sellers and customers...

Are the top 10 benefits of reading for all ages:

1. Reading Exercises the Brain

While reading, we have to remember different characters and settings that belong to a given story. Even if you enjoy reading a book in one sitting, you have to remember the details throughout the time you take to read the book. Therefore, reading is a workout for your brain that improves memory function.

2. Reading is a Form of (free) Entertainment

Did you know that most of the popular TV shows and movies are based on books? So why not indulge in the original form of entertainment by immersing yourself in reading. Most importantly, it’s free with your Markham Public Library card.

3. Reading Improves Concentration and the Ability to Focus

We can all agree that reading cannot happen without focus and in order to fully understand the story, we have to concentrate on each page that we read. In a world where gadgets are only getting faster and shortening our attention span, we need to constantly practice concentration and focus. Reading is one of the few activities that requires your undivided attention, therefore, improving your ability to concentrate.

4. Reading Improves Literacy

Have you ever read a book where you came across an unfamiliar word? Books have the power to improve your vocabulary by introducing you to new words. The more you read, the more your vocabulary grows, along with your ability to effectively communicate. Additionally, reading improves writing skills by helping the reader understand and learn different writing styles.

5. Reading Improves Sleep

By creating a bedtime routine that includes reading, you can signal to your body that it is time to sleep. Now, more than ever, we rely on increased screen time to get through the day. Therefore, by setting your phone aside and picking up a book, you are telling your brain that it is time to quiet down. Moreover, since reading helps you de-stress, doing so right before bed helps calm your mind and anxiety and improve the quality of sleep.

6. Reading Increases General Knowledge

Books are always filled with fun and interesting facts. Whether you read fiction or non-fictions, books have the ability to provide us with information we would’ve otherwise not known. Reading a variety of topics can make you a more knowledgeable person, in turn improving your conversation skills.

7. Reading is Motivational

By reading books about protagonists who have overcome challenges, we are oftentimes encouraged to do the same. The right book can motivate you to never give up and stay positive, regardless of whether it’s a romance novel or a self-help book.

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[Zoraida Rivera Morales · Rating 5 out of 5]

Resmaa Menakem's book about how to use conflict to heal committed relationships is an incredible book. In it he shares his view of couple relationships as a means to grow up and be who you really want to be. He believes this is the true purpose of relationships and not an easy task. Through anecdotes of real couples he's had in therapy, he makes clear the basics of this model and how to aachieve growth and help our partner in the process. At the end of each chapter, he offers an overview of the main points.

In my opinion, this isn't a book to read in a few days, but one to read, reflect on, share. I read this book in five months. No need to take that long, of course; but for me this book was an experience; one that I shared with friends and was the source of some interesting dialogue.

I highly recommend this book, which isn't a substitute for therapy, but gives the reader skills to have better relationships with others and with oneself.

[Paige · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another one I read for my program, and another one I'm having a hard time rating. On the one hand, I think it does have some truly excellent advice, and it's related in a very straightforward and accessible way. On the other hand, it's extremely repetitive. Extremely repetitive. The book could easily have been a third of the length for how often he repeats himself. The illustrative examples were good. He probably could have beefed up the heart of the book a little more as well, but it's definitely worth reading.

[Laura R · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome reframe to look at conflict in couples as a call to growth. As a Marriage and Family Therapist. I use this concept with couples to help them step outside themselves and not see their partner as the enemy, forcing them to change, but rather a challenge to from themselves to grow. Well written, accessible, and direct for regular people.

[Anita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent.

Grounded, useful, informative approach to working through conflict in relationships in healthy ways. The author focuses on intimate relationships, but the anchors and approaches he teaches are important for any close relationship. His examples differentiating clean pain and dirty pain are particularly significant as are his long work with trauma.

[AfroSentient · Rating 5 out of 5]

No-nonsense

Well written and real. Resmaa's approach to straightening your spine, self a soothing and turning up heat during times of conflict is the way to transform your life and your marriage. It's all about growing up.

[Elese]

Normalizing conflict as generative, when we can stand in our integrity and care for each other.

[shelina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the author’s down to earth style and his humility. The chapter summaries are great too.