Devastating
What a tragedy.
This man was forced to be a man while he was still a child. He lived a rough and unforgiving life—one where he had to work like a grown man, act like one, and earn money to pay his share in the house. When his father left the country for work, he became the man of the house. He worked in places never meant for children and went through multiple traumas, yet he just kept going. It’s not like he had any other choice—life doesn’t grant that kind of privilege to everyone.
When we see older people with dead eyes, we tend to avoid them. We forget that they were once children full of life and hope, just like us. Life simply wasn’t fair to them. They weren’t lucky or privileged enough to reach a better place, so they were forced to kill the joy inside themselves just to carry the burden of existence. That is brutal.
What fascinated me most was how little he had as a child, yet how happy his family still was in their own way. Love managed to overcome sickness and poverty. Despite his humble beginnings, he carried a noble soul. In his own quiet way, he represented what the best parts of humanity should look like. And, as always, life found every possible way to crush that fragile purity.
You can feel through his words how deeply he longed for freedom—how much he loved nature, beauty, and painting. But then war dressed him in a poor little suit and threw him into the trenches, where all he could see was the ugliest side of humanity: blood, sickness, and fear.
This was devastating by every measure. He never got to live his age. As a child, he was forced to work in factories and provide for the household; when he finally began to breathe a little, war arrived and dragged him straight into Dante’s hell. The conditions they endured are heartbreaking—the pain, the fear, the rage, the cold, the disgust. One day you have a friend; the next, you’re burying him and taking his belongings because leaving them with him is a luxury you can’t afford.
The horrors rooted themselves deep into his soul: the nightmares, the sounds, the constant terror. War stole his youth and his pure view of the world. And yet, even in his war diaries—the harshest period of his life—you can still feel the nobility of his heart. He wrote with a strange kind of dignity, even while describing hell.
There is something about Urbain that makes you feel both warm and sad at the same time. There’s something in the way he moves through life that feels calming, gentle, and quietly heartbreaking all at once. His portraits give you a strange warmth, an urge to sit with him, listen to him talk, and hear him chuckle softly.
It pains me how cruel life was to such a light and tender soul. It took away the father he loved, the dream he dreamed, the youth he never got to enjoy, the medals and recognition he truly deserved, and the one woman he loved. The cruelty of it all is overwhelming. He kept going, but you can feel in his words how much he withdrew from life, how much he carried inside himself in silence. Only nature—and turpentine—seemed to offer him relief, a way to breathe, a way to express what he could never fully say out loud, or at least hold on to a fragile glimpse of the man he once hoped to become.
As for the officers—my God. What kind of people were these? They did almost nothing, yet turned their men into fuel for a senseless war. I felt sick when he gave everything, was shot multiple times, and was then punished out of jealousy—sent away in humiliation, his medal stolen and replaced with a fake one. I was stunned. How low can someone sink, stealing a medal paid for with another man’s soul?
While soldiers froze and died in the trenches, these officers acted like spoiled children—bossing men around, mocking the cold from warm beds, firing shots out of boredom, knowing a soldier would pay the price. They were nothing but selfish, jealous, egotistical cowards. And it’s a shame that history remembers them instead of the real heroes—the ones who stayed in the trenches and endured the inhuman.
One thing I appreciated was the way the book showed the transformation of people before, during, and after war—how values and nobility collapse under cruelty. You can’t remain pure when you’re forced to live among monsters.
That said, my biggest issue with the first part of the book was the sudden shifts. One moment we’re deep in a tense scene with the grandfather, emotionally wrecked, and the next we’re abruptly pulled into the writer talking about a museum or a garden. This broke the emotional momentum for me completely.
The iron factory scene, for example, was incredibly intense—it marked a turning point in his life and character and gave me goosebumps. And then suddenly… a garden? That interruption was frustrating.
I wish we had received the diaries as they were—raw, fragmented, unfiltered. The writer’s constant interjections and fillers diluted that rawness. If the book had consisted solely of the diaries, I would’ve easily given it five stars. These additions didn’t add depth; they flattened the experience. With all due respect, I wasn’t there to read the writer’s worldview—I picked up this book for something else. His repeated intrusions pulled me out of the story instead of enriching it.
The part I loved most was the middle section—the war itself—because it felt like the true diaries. The first and last sections made me emotionally detach and disrupted the flow. I can tell the writer is talented, and I’d gladly read something else by him in the future. This just wasn’t the right space for him to insert himself.
I also wish we had seen more of the PTSD—the aftermath, the lingering trauma, the silent suffering that follows war.
Another thing about the book even though the war part was presented in a diary form and I can sense Urbain's soul in it, yet it felt heavily filtered and polished somehow as if someone reshaped it.
I would say overall this was a decent reading, but I still wish that we got the diaries with all it's true fragmentation and rawness.