The Golden Condom: And Other Essays on Love Lost and Found

by Jeanne Safer

Dr. Jeanne Safer has dedicated much of her decades' long career in psychotherapy to exploring taboo subjects that we all think about in private but seldom discuss in public. From conflicted sibling relationships to the choice not to have children, Safer's work has always been unflinching in its aim to dive deep into topics that make most of us blush, but which are present in all of our lives. In The Golden Condom, Safer turns her sharp and fearless eye to a subject perhaps more universal than any other-love in all its permutations. In The Golden Condom Safer interweaves her own experiences with those of a variety of memorable people, including her patients, telling a series of tales that investigate relationships--both healthy and toxic--that most of us don't escape life without experiencing at least once, including traumatic friendships, love after loss, unrequited or obsessional love and more. Never prescriptive and always entertaining, these stories will demolish any suspicion you might have that you're alone in navigating a turbulent romantic life, and will inspire you with the range of possibilities that exist to find love, however unconventional, and at any age.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Essays

286 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 5, 2016

About the author

Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, is the author of The Golden Condom, Beyond Motherhood, The Normal One, and several other books. Dr. Safer has appeared on The Daily Show and Good Morning America as well as numerous NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the subject of articles in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. She is the host of the I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics podcast.

Reviews

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nobody could be more surprised than I am about this book, "The Golden Condom"
I'm incredibly impressed with Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. -- WOW! AMAZING! WOW!
The intimacy of the voices in these stories are unique.
Every reader will find 'something' they relate with---possibly things that have sat dormant for years.

Jeanne Safer is a psychotherapist in New York City. She is the author of five books...
has appeared on 'The Daily Show', NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the
subject of articles in 'The New York Times' and 'The Wall Street Journal'.


"Another book on love?" No emotion has transfixed, perplexed, devastated, and inspired humanity more than this one, and none has been more exhaustively dissected".
Jeanne brings a special perspective to the daunting topic of love --- she has been a psychoanalyst , researcher, and teacher of dream interpretation for 40 years.

Types of love Jeanne writes about:
...she touched on adultery, ( only in passing and masochism only in its emotional form
as a key element in obsessive and unrequited passion, not in its currently trendy
sadomasochistic sexual guise.
....she explores relationships of love-'friendships' and its discontents
....emotions between mentors and protégés
....dark side of love-- obsession, betrayal, vengeance, and unrequited longing: few people escape them. Or.. the unconscious urge to repeat problematic relationships.
....the past and how it informs the present...why we choose the beloveds we choose,
and how lovers start out, attracted to the 'wrong' person.
....torments of loving those who cannot reciprocate. ( includes same sex friendships)
....Jeanne also includes love that comes late in life...love that prevails through conflict
and hardship... a love to celebrate.

Torturous .... to pleasures....these stories are based on real lives!
Reading these stories have illuminated experiences of love in my own life!

I especially related to the stories about friendships. I was once 'dropped' as a friend, It was a painful experience --( my husband watched me suffer), but over time the pain faded.
The person came back asking for my friendship two years later - with no apology. My husband warned me -- but I missed her and said "sure".
I can see now.. It was my mistake to just say "sure". I should have asked why she dropped me cold turkey? Why she hurt me? I now see my mistake. Our friendship soon end. ( but not as gracefully as I would have liked).
There is an 'excellent' story in this book about a long term friendship and why it ended. It's clear... I felt empowered from it!!!!

"Betrayal is gender blind, and sex is a sufficient, but not necessary, component; a
woman can hurt you as much as a man, a friend as much as a lover. Anybody who feels indispensable has power over you, and your desperation can make you behave in
equally self-damaging ways.

If open to new ideas, this book will be beneficial to you. Jeanne is wise, and experienced ....and there sure is much to appreciate about the work she does in the world.

Thank You Macmillan-Picador Publishing, Netgalley, and Jeanne Safer

[Lillie Langtry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kafka once wrote that the books which make us happy are easy to replace, but the books which shake us to the core are the ones we really need. For me, "The Golden Condom" was a rare and precious example of a book which managed to do both. My lips twitched frequently at Dr. Safer's turns of phrase, but my worldview also underwent some deep editing in the process. This book called out patterns in my own behavior which I had never noticed before. I still expect to spend a lifetime refining my approach to interpersonal relationships, but I emerged from this book with a more cogent idea of what I'd like to prioritize and what I'd like to to avoid.

[Clem The Walrus · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really cool book. It felt like an intellectual, nonfiction version of the hit film "Love Actually." It's got great entertainment value in its interconnected love stories, but its author / main character is also an eminent scholar with the ability to point out the trends in her subjects' behavior and draw conclusions about the nature of love based on several centuries of psychology research and classic literature, as well as her own case studies and personal experience.

[Louise Lombard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fine book! Dr. Safer is a psychoanalyst with an ideal blend of confidence and humility about her craft, able to demonstrate the relevance of Freudian insights to modern life (repetition compulsion, abreaction, narcissistic injury, etc.) while also pointing out their limitations.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

This felt a little academic to me, but I did enjoy the stories and scenarios she shared, as I could relate to some of them very well. It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt the way I did. Normalizing the feelings and actions of unrequited love decreases the alienation. And also hearing the other "crazy" things people do because of love. It is so clear that when you love yourself, you stop grasping for it from others--at least not in a way that causes deep suffering. It's still nice to have love and attention from others, to feel chosen and connected. But you won't resort to self injury or other such actions if love is unreturned or "taken away" by someone else. I think there is always someone even more aligned for us out there if one thing doesn't end up working out. So it's an opportunity to find that.

“Revenge may be a dish best eaten cold, but the best revenge of all is living wisely and well—learning from the past and applying those lessons in the future.
Is there such a thing as healthy revenge?” pg. 60

“The motives and psychodynamics of Amy Fisher and Jean Harris are similar to those of their mythic predecessor [Medea]: none of the three could endure her own helplessness or tolerate that her rejection and shame should go unpunished. How and why does love get converted to hate and the compulsion to destroy, and why are some people more susceptible to this transformation than others?” pg. 67

“What are the tasks that anyone who has been betrayed must accomplish? Grieving for one’s losses—for bad choices, for lost time and destroyed hope and misplaced devotion, for the shame and self-laceration (conscious or unconscious) that all these things evoke—this is fruitful sorrow. Learning to live with doomed longing for an unrequited beloved (one who is unwilling or unable to reciprocate devotion) until it diminishes as life goes on. Recovering the ability to trust oneself and other people instead of retreating into terminal self-doubt and paranoia. Neutralizing the inevitable rage and hatred directed against oneself and the other. Restoring self-respect and a sense of control over one’s own destiny.” pg. 82-83

“Michael’s declaration of intent, which seemed like openness and candor, was actually his way to manage his guilt preemptively. It put me off balance from that moment on, intensifying my insecurity, confirming all my dread. Despite this, I plunged ahead. I stayed overnight with him, barely chaste, a week later. It was the first time I spent an entire night with a man. ‘A glad night,’ I reported in my diary, ‘but something says that I will never have his love, never at the level I want.’ All the warning signs were there—I enumerated them in my diary, railed against them, and proceeded to ignore them. Acting consciously and wisely on what you know to be true, overriding inner compulsion on your own behalf, requires far more self-possession than I had at that point in my life.” pg. 95

“When you are in thrall to an obsessive love, a reciprocated one seems less alluring. You prize what you cannot have more than what you can.” pg. 108

“The problematic beloved frustrates you not only by withholding himself but also by intermittently giving himself; this fosters the illusion that he could be consistently available if only the conditions were right. As [Martha] Stark says, ‘[He] initially tantalize[s] by offering the seductive promise of . . . relatedness, but . . . later devastate[s] by rescinding that enticement.’
The beloved’s ambivalence is a prerequisite for his being chosen. We have uncanny radar for people who meet our unconscious needs; it is part of the universal human compulsion to relive and remake the past through intimate relationships in the present.” pg. 116-117

“. . . you must force yourself to acknowledge that changing another person is both your secret desire and a doomed enterprise.” pg. 118

“Despite his athleticism—he was an expert fencer—his shyness and awkwardness of manner combined with the monotone in which he spoke made him seem like an alien who had applied himself to the study of human ways with only partial success. He was such a peculiar combination of physical grace and mental regimentation that he seemed to be two people incompletely melded together.” pg. 132

“Any relationship whatsoever seemed to him a potential prison of unrelenting demands. Like his parents, he never imagined he could set any limits on anybody.” pg. 133

“I was overjoyed to find by sheer luck someone who spoke my language and even added to my vocabulary when I had felt so alienated. At a critical time in the formation of my character, I heard my own voice more clearly because she was listening. Never had I opened myself so deeply or felt so intuitively understood and prized by a peer; my own mother once had this role in my life, but bitter adolescent struggles for independence had interfered with our communion.” pg. 190

“Michael Balint, a founder of the British object relations school of psychoanalysis and an innovative and profound clinician with a quirky mind, invented two cumbersome—even comical—words to describe the opposite temperaments exemplified by Rachel and Miriam: ‘ocnophil’ and ‘philobat.’ These terms never caught on—they do not trip off the tongue like other Latin-based neologisms like id, ego, and superego—but they perfectly describe basic attitudes toward intimacy central to the way people experience friendship and its discontents. Philobats are loners who retreat when anxious. They consider relationships more dangerous than comforting. The close-binding ocnophils cling when they are anxious and seek human contact to assuage their fears. Relationships are comforting and safe for the ocnophil, but the lonely space between them and others is fraught with danger; the self-sufficient philobat prefers to cope with danger and uncertainty alone.” pg. 208

“One prerequisite to finding a mate in midlife and beyond is admitting to yourself that you want one, that you need lasting intimacy to feel fulfilled. Many people are too afraid to say so because they cannot bear their own longing or have shut themselves off from it altogether. When you are shut off, you are blind to possibilities, no matter how numerous or fetching they may be.” pg. 215

“She had learned early on to fend for herself and to neither ask for nor expect help from anyone, hoping in vain that her hard work and professional success would someday earn appreciation, but nothing she did was ever enough. She never could acknowledge that being intimate with a man and wanting him to prize her made her feel more threatened than being alone made her feel bereft.” pg. 216

“Since Dan’s wife had demanded and required constant caretaking, Anna’s self-containment and competence must have felt refreshing; looking after someone who, as an equal, looks after herself, feels like a choice—even a privilege—not a demand.” pg. 223

“Being chosen and seriously pursued meant everything to her. It made her feel worthwhile, as being loved does when you have not had enough of true devotion.” pg. 224

“‘What if he dies?’
I told her that loss is built into love. When someone becomes precious and you let yourself need him and tell him you want him, there is no way to avoid this eventuality. You are putting yourself in his hands, and he becomes irreplaceable. When you give yourself that way, the real way—neither embodying another’s fantasy nor disconnected from your authentic self—an essential part of yourself is forever bound up with the other’s fragile life. You merge your destinies. Only the whole person she had now become could join her beloved so completely. When you have someone, you have someone to lose.
Since risk hangs over shared lives, ardor and anxiety are inextricable. You never know how the loss will come—whether he will lose you or you him, but it is a certainty that there will be a shattering involuntary separation. Death is the abandonment caused not by betrayal but by fidelity. Even so, a relationship this deep lives on as part of you. It becomes inextricable from your identity; it cannot be wrested from you utterly.” pg. 248-249

“Psychoanalytic theory, from Freud’s day to the present, has not had nearly as much to say about healthy passion as about the more grotesque pathological kind. What would it make of hers? Self psychology, the modern theoretical approach founded by Heinz Kohut, would recognize Emil as Lilly’s ‘self-object,’ her internal touchstone of sustenance, solace, and self-esteem. Making use of another in this way is a sign of mental health and a source of stability. But Otto Kernberg, who has written extensively about the prerequisites for long-term erotic fulfillment, might be wary of an all-consuming romance after death like hers and question her unassailable fidelity. According to him, an earmark of mature love is the ability to grieve fully for the dead beloved, to retain the relationship within oneself, and then to accept (and to seek) a new partner ‘without guilt or insecurity.’” pg. 252-253

“In Lilly’s case, giving herself to another would have been sacrilegious, because she felt that she had the ultimate experience of marriage, and it sufficed for her. Their relationship was so unique and precious and so vividly present that it could never be superseded. Emil’s love for her, and hers for him, continued to fulfill her. To seek another love would be an unthinkable act of infidelity not only to him but to herself and to the woman she had become, the life she had had, because of him. It was choice, not fear or limitation in her ability to relate, that bound her eternally to him.” pg. 253

“Both my patient and my friend clearly idealized their husbands; they found fathers and mothers and saviors in them. This was realistic on their parts; the personalities and actions of both men made them highly idealizable. But the way these women looked up to and needed their husbands did not make them dependent or infantile; they functioned as professionals in their own right and as friends and soul mates to the men they admired, and they were admired in turn by their husbands. Their attitude was an essential part of their fully adult appreciation of how remarkable their mates and their marriages genuinely were.” pg. 254-255

“Only grieving—reengaging with every feeling and looking away from none of them—allows you to begin the process of recovering love. Mourning a loss acknowledges there was something to lose. It ultimately restores to you what was valuable (if anything was), burns off some of the devastation without entirely erasing it. You find that you are left with more than ashes in your mouth.” pg. 267-268

“If anything in your love was real—imperfect, ambivalent, obsessive, or selfish in part but tender and true at the core—it is yours forever, even though the one you loved loves you no longer or never fully returned your devotion. The authentic core of love is eternal, even if the person who inspired it will never return to you. But you have to hold fast to it and fight through your despair, your disappointment, and your bitterness to find it, to resurrect it, to claim it. With work and with will, the consoling promise of Dylan Thomas’s words comes true: ‘Though lovers be lost love shall not.’” pg. 270

Book: borrowed from NB Branch.

[Krystelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Psychotherapy and psychoanalysis are thorny topics at the best of times, however, this book seems to make them thornier than necessary. While there is some probative value in the Freudian approach and the subconscious, it doesn't perhaps carry quite so much sway as this author thinks it does. This is a book of traditionalist essays from the perspectives of people who live more entrenched in the poetic than the real in some ways, and it makes it hard to connect to the theory put forth. Some stories are sweet, but they're overshadowed by the long shadow of Sigmund making his business known. Interesting but not as satisfying as I anticipated.

[Pavel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Knížka s pěkně bulvárním názvem (díky které jsem ji dostal jako dárek od narozeninám) je překvapivě dobře napsaným a často i docela odborným psychologickým dílem.

Psychoterapeutka Jeanne Saferová v něm vypráví velké množství příběhů, které zná od svých pacientů, přátel a dokonce se i svěří se svými osobními zkušenostmi, a všechny se týkají nějaké podoby lásky. Máme tu chorobnou lásku, které se někteří nemohli zbavit mnoho let, ale také nacházení lásky v pozdějším věku či třeba konec velkých přátelství, což v lecčem pocitově připomíná klasický rozchod.

Jsou to často extrémní případy, nad kterými budou kulit oči i zkušení "vztahoví poradci" amatéři, ale díky tomu je kniha zatraceně zábavná. Navíc autorka jakožto profesionální psycholožka nám vždy hned v závěru příběhu přispěchá s nějakým tím odborným vysvětlením, rozklíčuje jako detektiv, proč se hrdinové daného příběhu tak divně chovali, proč si vybrali takhle divného partnera nebo proč si tolik nevěřili.

Jak jsem říkal, skvěle se to čte a rozhodně to nejsou nějaké smyšlené, stokrát ohrané rádobydramatické milostné storky z Chvilky pro tebe. Spíš velmi zajímavé a poměrně odborně napsané zamyšlení nad tou iracionální věcí jménem láska.


Osm knih se zavádějícím názvem z deseti.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! I thought it was readable, funny, smart, insightful, HIGHLY relatable, and quite soothing, actually. I appreciated the author's willingness to share her own struggles; it was informative without being pedantic or shallow. And here is the best part: It did not feel like psychobabble at all! She knows what she is talking about, and she is capable of expressing herself without being trite. I bet she is a wonderful therapist.

[Danielle Routh · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at page 49 or so. This is not a book of easily accessible essays, as the title would have you believe, but rather a tome stuffed to the brim with psychoanalysis that feels more like reading a textbook.

[Warren-Newport Public Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book, The Gold Condom and Other Essays on Love Lost and Found, might pique your interest, but the series of vignettes of love, its motivations, obsessions, pain and ecstasies, will keep you reading. Well known psychotherapist, Dr. Jeanne Safer, shares real relationships, her own and that of her patients. Safer’s numerous interviews, as well as her own personal revelations, ranging from romantic love to love between friends, rewards readers with insights into hidden emotional landscapes–drawn from the territories of hopeless love, difficult love and fulfilled love.

Although Safer’s narrative examines the psychological basis for behaviors of those about whom she writes, she never forgets that the human story is at the heart of matters of the heart. As such, all readers will find at least an anecdote or that two mirrors their own experience and, in that moment, might find their own isolation a bit diminished. (Pam P.)

[Freeda Dordevic]

This is a really fresh approach on sickness called "love" . There are some really wise advices and explainantion of psychology of a person that have strong feelings together with working on it. Working on ourselves is a step to loving who we are and then we will be ready for love.
This book is interessting, easy to read and helpful.
One of those i think everyone should have in their home 💜

[Natalija Kuznecov · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Kad ste vi onaj ko definiše smisao svog života, niko ga ne može pobiti. Ovim činom samosvesnog prkosa postajete imuni – barem u izvesnoj meri – i više nikad nećete dopustiti da vam neko drugi kontroliše sudbinu. Tada možete da volite i da budete voljeni."

[Piepie | The Napping Bibliophile]

I don't feel like I was this book's target audience, but I still found this collection of essays fairly interesting.

[Raya · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book that I think needs to be read slowly and with intent, every chapter almost like a meeting with a therapist. I have a wonderful enlightened feeling after going through these chapters, like I understand myself and others better thanks to the stories shared, as well as the conclusions drawn from them.

I know this is a book I will revisit someday to check in after my own life has shifted and changed enough to create a new point of view and until then I remain with an admiration for the author and her work!

[Kati Berman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't like this book. The author, Jeanne Safer is a psychologist in private practice. This book is about relationships, between lovers, siblings, parents and children. Although she uses examples of her troubled patients, this book is also largely about her own issues and her own troubled relationships. In fact the title refers to an act of revenge against a lover who scorned her. Even after being married happily for many years, she can't get over that experience. I found the book egotistical, repetitive, describing the same events in many different ways. I was wondering, did she become a psychologist because she had so many issues? - she admits that her troubled relationship with her brother had an influence on her choice of profession.
She feels angry and hopeless while counseling a troubled patient??? It seems that she couldn't handle how a long term patient was not caring, when she was sick and this shocked and hurt her. Don't psychologists need to be professional and not get involved with patients on a personal level? She had many patients who have seen her for decades, four times a week. Does that mean she was not able to resolve her patients ' issues through thousands of sessions? I know this review is harsh, but it's honest.
Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for giving me an advance copy in exchange for an honest review.

[University of Chicago Magazine]

Jeanne Safer, AB’69
Author

From our pages (Summer/16): Unrequited love, unhealthy friendships, traumatic breakups—we’ve all been there. In 12 essays psychotherapist Jeanne Safer shares her own relationship experiences and memorable anecdotes from other people in her life, including her patients. The collection shows how universal stories like these are, and how entertaining, and liberating, they can be.

[Vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was going to be more like short stories, but it is actually almost a self-help book. The author uses her personal experiences to move through different types of love. I found part of it interesting, because she was applying psychology in a practical way that you could bring into your own life, but it also just seemed self-absorbed. Which I guess is the point of the book, but I didn't finish it.

[Melinda Borie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that at times offers really searing, meaningful stories about different types of love and what makes them work or not work. It's also at times a too-drawn-out meandering navel-gaze of musings. It's difficult for me to decide which of these things I consider to be more important about it. The first few chapters start off strong, but it's pretty hit or miss after that.

[Gloria · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting premise, disappointing execution. The essays are long and plodding and frankly, not very insightful.

[Kristie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining and occasionally thought-provoking.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't what I thought it was going to be but I endured. I enjoyed the first two parts immensely for the psychological insight. Good book, didn't quite crack the threshold for great though.