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I Know Very Well How I Got My Name

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At age 15, he becomes Dean. Amy Wagner names him--and she would know best. Amy knows all kinds of things that Dean doesn't understand--things about sex, music, and the darker side of life. All Dean knows is his safe suburban home with his parents, books, and imaginary games. Until now, he's been able to hide his true identity, even from himself. To the rest of the world, he is a teenage girl--an awkward, boyish teenage girl, but a girl nonetheless. Meeting Amy changes everything. Soon that protected world around him begins to fall apart, and he is left with no option but to face himself and the truth.

I Know Very Well How I Got My Name chronicles Dean's clumsy progression through the American public school system. It is the 90's and early 2000's, in suburban Syracuse, New York--a world in which LGBTQ bullying is not yet a hot topic in schools, and there is little tolerance for outsiders of any kind. A prequel to his critically-acclaimed novel Refuse, Elliott DeLine's second book is about the prevailing myths surrounding bullying and abuse, and the hardships of being young and transgender without a community or a roadmap.

138 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2013

6 people are currently reading
943 people want to read

About the author

Elliott DeLine

9 books114 followers
Elliott DeLine (born 1988) is a writer from Syracuse, NY. He is the author of the novel Refuse, the novella I Know Very Well How I Got My Name, and his latest, Show Trans: A Nonfiction Novel. His essays and excerpts have been featured in The New York Times, The Collection: Short Fiction from the Transgender Vanguard, Original Plumbing Magazine and The Advocate. He is currently a content writer for The Body is Not an Apology. Elliott is the founder and former vice president of the non-profit CNY for Solidarity as well as the lead coordinator of Queer Mart, an LGBTQ artist and crafts fair. Elliott is also a visual artist and songwriter. He currently lives on land in upstate, NY with his partner.

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5 stars
33 (27%)
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42 (35%)
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26 (21%)
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16 (13%)
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
Profile Image for Kaleb Fischer.
18 reviews3 followers
June 12, 2015
This rating is more like a "2.4". While I'm all about more trans* narratives being published, I don't agree with giving them unjustified boosts in ratings/reviews solely on the basis that they tell a reasonably undertold story. They should be held to the same standard of all written works.

This novella was not gratingly sophomoric and narcissistic like Refuse. It even shows development in structuring, cohesiveness, and accessibility on the author's behalf. This time around, the flaws in editing are in grammar(I'm not talking about the stylistic exclusion of quotes) and typos.

I Know Very Well How I Got My Name reads like a journal restructured as a narrative. It deviates from the trite tale of "LOOK HOW GENDER NON-CONFORMING I WAS AS A CHILD AND I ALWAYS KNEW BECAUSE *insert gender expression/roles here*." Well done. However, despite improvements in cohesiveness and structuring, I was left with a "why did I read this/what purpose did this serve" taste in my mouth after reading it. It doesn't really seem to have a solid direction/message/plot.

Overall, this novella reflects growth on the author's part and I look forward to checking out Show Trans when it becomes available at HCLIB.


Profile Image for adrien.
35 reviews
February 13, 2023
i enjoyed this, a really good short read that makes sense it serves as a prequel! im excited to read refuse now. it did a good job casting small town drearyness and the hate that dean receives as well as abuse within the community. reading refuse asap!
Profile Image for Jaylee.
Author 16 books80 followers
June 8, 2016
TL;DR - This book is hard to read, emotional, and stirred up a ton of shit I needed to think/feel/process - but it's masterfully done and an incredible, honest piece of writing by a trans guy about a trans guy. TRIGGER WARNINGS for rape, abuse in a romantic relationship, homophobia, transphobia, suicide, graphic depiction of alcohol use/being drunk, dysphoria (esp during sex), and forced penetration of someone with vaginismus.*

This book was exceptional. It follows a(n autistic?**) trans guy through age 4-18, told in his own voice, which changes with every chapter as he gets older. The voice in this was brilliantly done. He captured every age perfectly and so many opinions and feelings conflict each other because of how the character is growing.

The writing starts out incredibly simple but grows along with the character. The simple sentences and stating the obvious are because it is the voice of a four-year-old. It's really just brilliantly done.

And I stg the chapter about third grade reflects my 5th grade experience 100% perfectly, right down to the bands, the clothes, the lipgloss. I have never seen my childhood so strongly reflected (maybe I just haven't been reading books by people who grew up in the 90's).

The junior high/high school portions are really hard to read. They deal heavily with homophobic/transphobic bullying, abusive relationships, and rape. The character is graphically raped so I definitely caution a big fat trigger warning on this book. The entire abusive relationship that weaves in and out of the last half of the book is so heartbreaking, and perfectly captures how complicated those relationships are, because they have good moments, and very important moments but she does so much harm as well.

I rarely intentional seek out books dealing with the difficult "issues" of being LGBT or dealing with hard topics like this one did, and would never have picked this book up for myself. I'm not even sure if I'd recommend this book - it's hard to read, emotional, and stirred up a ton of shit I needed to think/feel/process - but it's masterfully done and an incredible, honest piece of writing by a trans guy about a trans guy.

*While this is just part of the graphic rape, it was especially difficult for me to read due to this aspect. The character has vaginismus (as do I) and penetration is incredibly painful. It's a very specific element that hurt so hard and made the rape scene that much worse for me personally, so I'm adding that note for others.

**The early chapters sounded like something out of my childhood psych textbook about recognizing autism in children. Doesn't like to be touched, has "weird" hobbies inappropriate for his age, loves animals, can't/won't discern between imagination and real life. I really don't know enough about autism to comment further except that I got the impression that was what was happening? idk man.
Profile Image for Logan.
5 reviews
April 20, 2013
My short review is: I loved it! I hung onto I KNOW VERY WELL HOW I GOT MY NAME for about a week, not feeling ready to dive in, but just flipping through and enjoying the few lines I read at random. I found DeLine's REFUSE such an intense book with so many things that I uncomfortably related to. I wasn't sure if I was ready to do that again, maybe even more intensely, with this story of Dean's childhood and identity exploration.

This novella is intense as well (for me, particularly in a nonconsensual and painful sex scene), but is a quick read, with short chapters moving through the years and school grades of Dean's life. Vivian from REFUSE shows up here but she's one of several of Dean's friends and frenemies. You don't need to have read REFUSE to understand I KNOW VERY WELL. It would be interesting to start with I KNOW VERY WELL and move chronologically.

I was impressed by the way that DeLine changed Dean's style of narration as he got older. A lot of lines in the early chapters reminded me of things I wrote in my diary as a kid. There are unexplained things that happen to Dean when he's young (his father suddenly becoming angry, strange teachers) that took me back to some of the mysteries of my own childhood.

I'm sorry to be finished with DeLine's novels for the moment. I can't wait to see what he writes next!

A couple favorite quotes:
"They have a symbol - they pretend it is top secret, but everyone knows it is the symbol for hating me. They draw it in the corners of their papers. It looks like an atom, like we learned about in science."

"Fuck you dyke, he says, You don't say no to me.
Fuck you I just did."
Profile Image for Ray Emrys.
23 reviews41 followers
June 2, 2016
I liked this book! (actual rating: 3.5)

It was written very nicely, even if I wished it had been a bit more suspenseful at some points.
The narrating voice was honest and I think the story gives the reader a perspective that is either very relatable for people who also identify as transgender or that gives cis readers a better understanding for their situation.
I also liked the developement that can be seen throughout the story. It goes from his early childhood to his adolscence and this way, the reader gets to know about the events that had the most influence on him in is life.
Some of them, like his father's agression were not very detailed and since the family has a huge impact on a child, it would've probably been important to address this isse a bit more.
The main character struggles a lot with his identity and while not even knowing himself yet, he is harassed for what other people think he is. It took a while, but finally, in the end, he comes out to at least some friends and plans his next steps for his life, most importantly, his transition.
I liked how the book ended with a hopeful look into the future.
(I did not read "Refuse" so I don't know how Dean's story goes on!)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Andrew.
1,918 reviews125 followers
April 20, 2013

I'm really happy that this book exists; I really, really loved Refuse and I'd probably classify it as an (if not the) all-time favorite book of mine. I'm really pleased that Dean gets a further back story. I could really identify with this book as I could with Refuse, too, and the portion of the book where Dean is in elementary school hit a lot close to home for me.


I'd also consider this a good book for teenagers or adults who are currently questioning their gender identity to read; to see if they can relate to it in some way, or because of how information regarding transitioning is written once Dean reaches his realizations, making the idea sound a lot less confusing and a little easier to understand.

Profile Image for Klara.
6 reviews
November 26, 2020
I generally like queer books a lot, and don't get me wrong this is not a badly written book, but I didn't enjoy reading it. The description of the book is nothing like the actual book and it needs *Content Warnings* rape, physical and emotional abuse, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, violence, suicide, self harm, abusive relationships, gaslighting, drugs, needles, death, ableism, racism
Content warnings apply to this review too.
This was not an easy read and I think I would have gotten more out of it if I had been warned. the book is quite graphic and direct with the abuse that is going on.
I thought going into this that it would be a book about a kid growing up in a transphobic town and dealing with that with his friends by his side. It doesn't really seem like anyone is really on his side. Only two of his friends don't ever make transphobic comments to him and his best friend is the worst one. She doesn't bully and abuse him because she is ignorant or scared of people who don't fit in, she does it to hurt him. To cause the most amount of pain.
Dean doesn't even really realise that he has been raped by his best friend or that she is being abusive and manipulative in her behaviour, he moves on from her because he has no other choice. He doesn't deal with how he was abused by his best friend or the world. He keeps the name his rapist gave him.

I get that this book is trying to show the reality of what life can be, and I'm really glad that Dean finds the strength to seek the treatment that he needs and hopefully get some support so he can deal with everything. The book is missing the part where he deals with any emotions though.

I had really high hopes going in and it left me feeling a lot worse. I recommend only reading it if you are in a good place.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Mirrordance.
1,681 reviews89 followers
December 26, 2020
Un romanzo "coming of age", uno tra tanti che affronta il tema della scoperta della propria identità sessuale e di genere. Faticoso, a suo modo tipicamente americano, ma la scoperta dell'essere FTM quasi accessoria, più un romanzo sulle crisi adolescenziali che sulla scoperta della propria identità di genere. Rileggendo il giudizio dato a "Refuse" (che è la continuazione di questo romanzo) mi accorgo che i limiti sono gli stessi, le atmosfere, e la sensazione che le vere problematiche siano altrove.
Profile Image for heptagrammaton.
410 reviews40 followers
Read
July 13, 2024
Frank, pensive. The prose is a thing of poking bones and wiry strength stripped, stood stooped in front of the greased mirror glass of a bathroom whose lights are teeth; matter-of-fact, chopped. I have to admire the technical act of reconstructing a child's speech and thought patterns, the headline assuredness of them.
Profile Image for Zaziki.
3 reviews
March 19, 2023
Its really hard to find some trans books, but this was good and i liked an much
Profile Image for Nora.
Author 5 books47 followers
August 5, 2013
Loved this novella about a kid who is transgender. It begins when he’s a child but most of the book is focused on his early adolescence. The voice was really true and sweet. It was a little more complicated and messy than the “I knew since birth that I had been assigned to the wrong gender” stories that I seem to usually read.

This book was a prequel to another novel about this same character, Dean, which I also read and loved. I really liked reading this book second but I can’t quite articulate why, so I guess there’s no reason they couldn’t be read in chronological order with this book first. To me, this book seemed even more memoir-y than the other. It feels real real real. Be warned that bunch of incredibly sad and painful things happen in this book, so it’s a quite intense reading experience. But it left me with a hopeful feeling.

It was funny to read a novella about the Harry Potter-reading, Power Rangers-loving set, because when I was a teenager those were the kids I babysat. I felt like, how can people that young have grown up to write outstanding novels? How can someone who wanted to be the Red Power Ranger even be old enough to write a novel? It made me feel really over the hill and ready for the grave for a while, but then I got over it because I was distracted by reading this great story.

This book is specifically a transgender story, but there were a lot of elements that seemed—I don’t want to say universal because that whole concept is dumb in a variety of ways, but struck me as integral growing up things. Well, that sounds just as dumb; I guess I should just use “I statements” and say that a lot of different parts of the story hit home for me. Or let me put it like this: I Know Very Well How I Got My Name has the same kind of starry literary merit that gives people the impulse to say that The Diary of Anne Frank is universal when it so clearly is about being an outsider.

What other book is this one similar to? The only thing I can think of is The Sweet In-Between by Sheri Reynolds, only because they’re both about gender-non-conforming teens and depict sexual assault in the same kind of youthful voice that is matter-of-fact and not yet ready to acknowledge that is even what happened, which is extra realistic and heart-breaking. Oh, I should say that I Know Very Well How I Got My Name isn’t YA but I think teens would like reading it especially if they’re OK with things not being spelled out for them and not broken down into tiny bite-sized chunks and if they’re OK with some things being quite disturbing, which how could you not be used to that already if you’re a teen?

The boring part where I talk about book design/copyediting: I liked the cover a whole lot, and it looks good from far away. The interior was clean and nicely laid-out, with very few typos. I’m not a big fan of the whole thing where the cover image is repeated and lightened for the back cover, but whatevs. So, overall very cool, with my one complaint (of course! what, like I’m going to not have one? that’ll be the day) being: there is nothing written on the spine, so when you put it on the shelf you don’t know what book it is.
Profile Image for John Meszaros.
Author 6 books35 followers
March 9, 2019
This novella, a prequel to DeLine’s book Refuse, takes us through the early life of Dean, a young transman growing up in Syracuse in the late 90s and early 2000s. The earliest parts of Dean’s story are disjointed vignettes- as our earliest childhood memories so often are when we look back from adulthood. But, as in real life, the memories Dean hold onto tell us much about who he is now, even though he himself may not be aware of how they have sculpted him.

Dean grows up a time when transgender people are barely even a concept on the cultural radar. Dean, as a result, grows up without the vocabulary to articulate who he is and without role models to look to. He only knows that “something” doesn’t feel right. Something never feels right. He may look like a girl to others, but he has no idea what it’s like to actually be a girl. As a child Dean often pretends he’s someone else, perhaps to escape the role he is regularly and unconsciously forced to portray every day.

Many of Dean’s experiences as he tries to understand himself are relatable to people both trans and cis, though his struggles are made more difficult because he cannot put a name to exactly what is off in his life.

Helping Dean along the way is his friend Amy- sometimes friend with benefits, never quite a girlfriend. Dean’s relationship with Amy is an odd, uncomfortable dynamic that I think many of us have lived through at some point in our lives. She helps him in some deep ways- most importantly in finally giving a name to the feeling he’s carried around for so long and, as the title says, giving him his new, true name (Dean’s deadname- his name before transition- is deliberately never given). But their relationship is deeply toxic and Amy has her own damage to deal with.
While the scenes of Dean’s youth may seem disjointed at times and not appeal to all readers, the novella as a whole is an engaging coming-of-age story from a perspective that deserves much more attention in literature. The story can be dark and intense- there are scenes of attempted suicide, sexual assault, and characters expressing casual homophobia, transphobia, and other microaggressions. But this intensity is important for understanding Dean’s development, and these glimpses ring true as experiences that many trans folk have had to struggle through.
Profile Image for Logan Plonski.
76 reviews
June 18, 2015
Like Refuse, this book scratched the surface of a lot of things that I wish it had explored more deeply. I was especially bummed that it didn't explore Dean's relationship with Vivian as a contrast to Amy.

I appreciate that it went into abuse and rape in the queer community, and a lot of the depictions of being a trans child and teenager resonated with my own experiences. However, the plot line itself is shaky at best and doesn't have much of a cohesive conclusion. After reading the last page, I turned the page again because it didn't seem like the book was really over.

Like Refuse, there's the beginning of something good here but it feels like it was hastily thrown together. Elliot DeLine needs to write his books more thoughtfully and have them edited more thoroughly. His current works are somewhat sloppy and amateurish.
Profile Image for Red Thomas.
35 reviews10 followers
April 19, 2013
DeLine's awesome storytelling skills shine through, once again, in this prequel to "Refuse". This collection of coming-of-age stories spattered with the blunt realism of what it is like to be a transgendered teen make this one great read. A page-turner in its own right, these slices of life will leave you wondering what, exactly, hasn't happened to Dean?
Profile Image for Hope.
198 reviews
December 27, 2015
I won this novella through a Goodreads contest. I get self-publishing, but there were at least six or seven typos and misspelled words in this book. The worst and most glaring was "are thighs" rather than "our thighs." Find other people to proofread your manuscript. For these reasons, and the anti-climatic and rather warp speed ending, I cannot give this book more than two stars.
Profile Image for Mal.
1 review1 follower
July 7, 2013
Really well-written. It's subtly funny, clever, and generally a good read. Definitely recommend it.
3 reviews2 followers
March 14, 2015
Reading this book after "Refuse" explained a few things (as it is the prequel). Not as relatable to me as his first book, but every transgender person has their own journey.
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