A Buddhist Grief Observed

by Guy Newland

Amid the world-shattering pain of loss, what helps?“After the death of his beloved partner from cancer, Newland finds himself asking how effective his long years of Buddhist practice have been in helping him come to terms with overwhelming grief. This finely written book offers a lucid meditation on what it means to practice the Dharma when everything falls apart.” —Stephen Batchelor, author of Buddhism without Beliefs and After Buddhism In the tradition of C. S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed, Guy Newland offers this brave record of falling to pieces and then learning to make sense of his pain and grief within his spiritual tradition. Drawing inspiration from all corners of the Buddhist world—from Dogen and the Dalai Lama, to Pema Chödrön and ancient Pali texts—this book reverberates with honesty, kindness, and deep humanity. Newland shows us the power of responding fully and authentically to the death of a loved one.  “A sad, beautiful, and necessary book—and a map waiting for many who will need it.” —James Ishmael Ford, author of If You’re Lucky Your Heart Will Break “Guy Newland faces squarely the pain of death and the pain of grief and offers a work of uncommon power, insight, and honesty—and extraordinary compassion.” —Jay L. Garfield, author of Engaging Buddhism

Genres: Buddhism, Grief, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Spirituality, Death, Health

102 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 9, 2016

Reviews

[Abz · Rating 4 out of 5]

After my dad passed away, when I was 18 years old, I came across a copy of "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche, and it was a lifesaver. In the 20 years since, Buddhism has continued to be a constant practice and source of comfort and guidance. I resonated quite a bit with this book and the author's journey through grief, with Buddhist practice as his solace.

[Robin Tuthill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm on my second reading now because this book is so rich with insights into the human condition. To say I am "reading" this little gem is not quite right. The most I read at one time is a page or two. Sometimes I just look back on the last sentence or paragraph I marked and use the idea for deep reflection or meditation. It is my daily morning ritual and I think it will be for a very long time.

You do not have to be a Buddhist to appreciate the value of this book. The beautiful thing about Buddhist ideas is that they can co-exist with all other religious traditions. From its beginning, Buddhism never tried to take over another society or religion. It always co-existed to help people see ultimate reality, and offered practical tools, such as meditating, to grow in compassion and wisdom.

I have never read/studied anything more insightful and practical than this book. Just consider this first line of the Introduction: "Grief is the process of adjusting to unwanted change, and since change is unrelenting, we bear every day unrecognized microgriefs." I am so grateful for Newland's insights and extraordinary honesty regarding the human condition.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found A Buddhist Grief Observed very interesting and enlightening in several ways. It taught me that there are many "versions/sects" of Buddhism just as there are in many other religions, and that sometimes the teachings disagree with each other. It reinforced that no matter what our backgrounds or religious beliefs, we as human beings all feel the same things, want the same things for our families, worry about the same things. We are much more alike than we are different, and grief is a hard thing for any of us to tackle. My thanks to the author for letting us witness his grief, his struggle with it, his questioning of his religion, his attempt to make sense of a painful, without sense happening in his life.

Thanks too to NetGalley and Wisdom Publications for allowing me to read and review this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thoughtful and thought provoking book. It helps me with a little more understanding of Buddhism and. a different insight into grief. It deserves more study and thought.

[Brandon Bosworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I struggle with grief and loss. So does Guy Newland. He eloquently writes about his Buddhist beliefs both helped and at times failed to help him deal with the death of his wife.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

(1) Not knowing
-We can start by knowing that we don’t know. And from within that not-knowing, we can offer our presence, our fullest effort and attention. We can aspire to become attuned and skilful caregivers. We act, as best we can, so as to be most helpful in each distinct situation.
-The stance of knowing is a tempting defence against fear… Unsolicited expertise often feels like a kind of violence.
-But hell is not other people; hell is the self turned in on itself, unable to open and connect.

•

(2) Bearing witness
-From within the nakedness of not knowing, bearing witness means giving full and open attention. Such attention is to the heart what light and water are to a wounded tree. It is rare because it is hard to give.
-The fruit of practice is an unclenching, an easing of the heart into moments where self/other does not come under consideration; there is only skilful responsiveness to anguish.
-The heart is not an individual possession.

•

(3) Compassionate action
-There are lots of true things one can say — but which will be kind and helpful?
-Seeing others’ pain, and feeling that we just might be able to ease it in some way — often this is the best therapy for our wounds.
-Perhaps say how deeply sorry you are to hear of the person’s loss. If you are able, offer something specific, factual, and from the heart about the deceased. Can you recall some particular kindness that the deceased showed? When people were able to do this, I found it helpful.
-When you hear of and are moved by a report of someone’s suffering, make a mental commitment: “I will do something to help.” Most often, we don’t get even this far. We stop with “I feel for that person” or “I should feel for that person.” Don’t fall for the illusion that this is something apart from you. You are dying… in reality, we are joined by the bonds of impermanence.

•

The Author is right in saying mortal terror affects us all. We can’t blame others for the feelings that arise in them when faced with the mortality of their humanity, thrown in their face by our unfortunate circumstances. Reading about his loss and grief brought up feelings of upset and sadness in me — I was ‘noticing these feelings and letting them flow by, opening my heart’ as he encourages us to do when faced with our collective mortality.

“It is easier to give a mountain of food than to have a real conversation” I understand. We revert back to condolences and counsel and ill-received advice because we are trying to manage our own fears instead of holding their pain in our hands. We fear it is too hot to hold, and quickly transfer it to another pan — another container of wishes and offers for food and how-are-yous — to avoid the suffering we wish to never encounter.

But “to be human is to set sail for the next shipwreck.”

And hence. As the Author says.

The self is the basis for practice. Recognition of self and caring for self. The thought of self — “I, I, I” — is the source of terrible misery but also the amazing raw material of awakening.

Other people are not hell, they are the very heart of our practice. Their pain is a training ground. Their otherness makes us afraid — we fear it will destroy the private sense of “I” at which we grasp.

But “the heart is not an individual possession.” Joined by the bonds of impermanence. Treading the training grounds of fear and pain. Reaching out with not-knowing. That’s the lesson we learn in life and love and death.

[Misty · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to give this a 5 for the quotes, but in it's entirety it's a 3.

"For better or worse, incoherent steam of mental events slowly coagulated into being a person." Pg 14

"When we see distress, our caring fades along this spectrum and warps into viciousness towards enemies. We may become so inflamed as to feel that even torture is a noble activity." Pg 15

"We are never in danger of becoming unmarked by out past. We can't shake it as easily as we might fear or hope. What has happened will always have happened; it cannot unhappen." Pg 29

"When someone I loved died I found it helpful to remind myself that this person was not less real because she wasn't real now, just as people in New Zealand aren't less real because they aren't real here." Pg 29

"It is useful to think of things and people as though they had fixed identities, but they don't. A table is just what we call a certain collection of table parts- none of which is itself a table. Every thing and person is what is what it is only in relation to perspective, a point of view. " pg 35

"The meditation teach Ajahn Chah was once asked How he could be happy in this world of impermanence where we cannot protect those we love from harm, illness, and death. He pointed to a beautiful glass, holding water, glistening in the sun. One day an elbow or a strong wind certainly will knock it over. It was already broken. We can, therefore, use it in fearless freedom " pg 40

"Be wary about giving a newly bereaved false assurance that it is somehow for the best. I think it is ill advised To tell them that this loss is an amazing spiritual opportunity. And don't notify them that they will "to get over it" or that things will be OK. Usually this kind of council works only to manage your own fear." Pg 74

"From within the nakedness of not knowing, bearing witness means giving full and open attention. Such attention is to the heart what lights and water are to a wounded tree. It is rare because it is hard to give. It demands not deflecting back to yourself or to something so similar that happened to your grandmother. It demands not turning away in the presence of what terrifies us, and not trying to make it all right, even when everyone so wishes that it were. " pg 75

[Ellison · Rating 5 out of 5]

A modest book in which the author clearly and without adornment communicates his own experiences with Buddhism and the death of his wife. I found the last two chapters most effective.

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

beautifully written. a great read for those grieving and in pain.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thoughtful and comforting. Newland brings together his great knowledge of emptiness and his poignant experience of the death of his wife.

[Laura Siegel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a lovely and sensitive little book though didactic at times. I preferred when he talked about his wife's death and his own grief. With a Buddhist's perspective he clarifies that Buddhists are not immune to grief. I particularly liked the section on "how to help" as well as the eulogy he wrote to his wife.

[Naomi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fine addition to grief literature, Newland touches upon important experiences and issues, including common interpretations of Dharma that cause suffering rather than offer liberation and attention to how reality is. Recommended for those grieving, with an interest in Buddhism, and for religious professionals and volunteers working with caring for the grieving.

[Katie Zebrowski · Rating 3 out of 5]

A Buddhist Grief observed is an excellent look into buddhism. The author reflects on his life and offers insight about the choices he made and how he coped.

I received a copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley

[Michelle Carrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

A look into the Buddhist religion. Very insightful and inspiring.

[San Diego Book Review · Rating 4 out of 5]

You can read this entire review at San Diego Book Review

[Cindy · Rating 3 out of 5]

* I was provided an ARC to read from the publisher and NetGalley. It was my decision to read and review this book.