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Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships
Why a Second Edition of “Why”?
My readers often tell me that the Talker-Listener approach to communicating between people causes true transformation in their lives. “Listening into love,” some call it or “A journey into a higher quality of life.” They mention self-discovery and healthy relationships.
This second edition moves more explicitly into techniques and situations that can create, nurture, and support such deep changes. No book alone can change lives and I don’t pretend that this one will. But those who not only read, but practice and incorporate creative listening into their lives may find themselves impacted beyond expectation.
This is my hope for readers of this second edition. But if that’s too much, I hope the flat-brain theory, the tango, the card, and the practical listening techniques will lighten your path through life and broaden the smile on your face. That would be enough for me.
Specifcally, instead of one chapter of listening techniques, I spread them throughout to get you practicing sooner. The more complex ones come later.
I beefed up Managing the Flat-Brain Syndrome, that is, how to enable growth in ourselves and others.
I added more Communication Traps, those common mistakes we un-knowingly make that cause us trouble with those close to us. One we often make with youngsters (and adults) is Asking for one-word answers. And I take on that relationship-shattering urge we have to fix our partners’ problems in Fixing it — “I want a consultant, not a husband (wife).” This one can be a game-changer in a relationship.
I expanded the decision-making processes for individuals, couples, groups, and in counseling in Listening Techniques for Moving On. We also look at Motivation Levels and Balance Scales for weighing decisions.
Instead of an index I’ve given you an expansive table of contents so you’ll be able to find the sections you want later when you need them.
Jim Petersen
From on-line comments and emails
“Love, love, love this book!”
“I have never read anyone’s work who had such a grip on how people get along through talking and listening. Petersen will teach you a few moves that will help you get along better with others. It is worth its weight in gold.”
“This book is a journey into self-discovery focusing on communication techniques that promote healthy relationships.“ John
“I can't understand why it doesn't say "Millions Sold" on the cover. The contents, like many counseling materials I review, sound "corny" at first glance, but the truths contained therein are priceless!” Joel
“I was assigned this book as part of a grad school course. At first glimpse, I thought it was too simple a textbook. Ha! I was wrong! The concepts and practices of the book are amazing tools which will change the way you communicate daily, or in dyads or groups to pursue better human understanding. This book is on my mental list of most life-impacting reads ever. Love it!” Annette
“Thank you so much! Your book Why Don't We Listen Better? revolutionized my life and the lives of those around me!”
“If I could be Queen For A Day, I'd ask that everyone learn the techniques presented in this book, and be a ‘card-carrying’ listener.” Maren
“Your techniques work and have been a great tool for me in both counseling and coaching.”
“Using the Talker-Listener process saved my marriage several years ago and continues to help my husband and me communicate hot button topics with each other.
My readers often tell me that the Talker-Listener approach to communicating between people causes true transformation in their lives. “Listening into love,” some call it or “A journey into a higher quality of life.” They mention self-discovery and healthy relationships.
This second edition moves more explicitly into techniques and situations that can create, nurture, and support such deep changes. No book alone can change lives and I don’t pretend that this one will. But those who not only read, but practice and incorporate creative listening into their lives may find themselves impacted beyond expectation.
This is my hope for readers of this second edition. But if that’s too much, I hope the flat-brain theory, the tango, the card, and the practical listening techniques will lighten your path through life and broaden the smile on your face. That would be enough for me.
Specifcally, instead of one chapter of listening techniques, I spread them throughout to get you practicing sooner. The more complex ones come later.
I beefed up Managing the Flat-Brain Syndrome, that is, how to enable growth in ourselves and others.
I added more Communication Traps, those common mistakes we un-knowingly make that cause us trouble with those close to us. One we often make with youngsters (and adults) is Asking for one-word answers. And I take on that relationship-shattering urge we have to fix our partners’ problems in Fixing it — “I want a consultant, not a husband (wife).” This one can be a game-changer in a relationship.
I expanded the decision-making processes for individuals, couples, groups, and in counseling in Listening Techniques for Moving On. We also look at Motivation Levels and Balance Scales for weighing decisions.
Instead of an index I’ve given you an expansive table of contents so you’ll be able to find the sections you want later when you need them.
Jim Petersen
From on-line comments and emails
“Love, love, love this book!”
“I have never read anyone’s work who had such a grip on how people get along through talking and listening. Petersen will teach you a few moves that will help you get along better with others. It is worth its weight in gold.”
“This book is a journey into self-discovery focusing on communication techniques that promote healthy relationships.“ John
“I can't understand why it doesn't say "Millions Sold" on the cover. The contents, like many counseling materials I review, sound "corny" at first glance, but the truths contained therein are priceless!” Joel
“I was assigned this book as part of a grad school course. At first glimpse, I thought it was too simple a textbook. Ha! I was wrong! The concepts and practices of the book are amazing tools which will change the way you communicate daily, or in dyads or groups to pursue better human understanding. This book is on my mental list of most life-impacting reads ever. Love it!” Annette
“Thank you so much! Your book Why Don't We Listen Better? revolutionized my life and the lives of those around me!”
“If I could be Queen For A Day, I'd ask that everyone learn the techniques presented in this book, and be a ‘card-carrying’ listener.” Maren
“Your techniques work and have been a great tool for me in both counseling and coaching.”
“Using the Talker-Listener process saved my marriage several years ago and continues to help my husband and me communicate hot button topics with each other.
280 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2007
116 people are currently reading
313 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
July 13, 2020
This review is actually the first page in a "book report" I had to do for this book. Honestly, I started this book with incredibly low expectations but I have a feeling that, outside the Bible, this will the most influential book I will have read all year.
Jim Peterson wrote this book as a means to foster good communication, specifically through the forgotten art of effective listening. Although he is coming from a background of nearly fifty years of pastoral counseling, what he teaches in this book can be used in every aspect of interpersonal communication. [Jim Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, (Portland, OR: Peterson Publications, 2015) 30.]
The book is a combination of three concepts: Flat-Brain Syndrome, the Talker-Listener Card, and a collection of thirty-three listening techniques. The Flat Brain Syndrome is Peterson’s explanation of why people speak or act out of a negative place. In his theory, a person is made up of three parts: emotions (stomach), the heart, thoughts (head). When a person’s emotions are overloaded, this squeezes out the heart and head. The result is a “squished” or “flat” brain that does not speak or think as rationally as it should. When a person recognizes that someone else is speaking out of a “Flat-Brained Syndrome”, they have the opportunity to either respond in kind or break the cycle providing an opportunity to settle the emotions and restore reason. As Peterson writes, “The more you understand people, the less there is to forgive.” [Ibid., 58.]
The second part of the book introduces the Talker-Listener Card (TLC). This is a two-sided card that Peterson uses in his counseling as well as a variety of other scenarios. One side of this card shares the Talker’s goals, to own the problem and share their feelings, and also conditions, to talk without accusing, attacking, labeling, and judging. The flip side of this card is for the listener. The listener’s goals are to provide safety, to understand, and to clarify. The listener agrees to listen without agreeing, disagreeing, advising, or defending. About the purpose of this card, Peterson writes, “If we take turns, that is, focus on one point of view at a time, we literally can’t argue.” [Peterson, Listen Better, 97.]
In addition to these two parts, Peterson has thirty-three listening tips that run through the course of the book. Most chapters end with one of these tips as well as a page or two of explanation. Sometimes, these tips align well with the previous content of the chapter, but not always. In his preface, Peterson said he placed these tips throughout the book so that the reader can begin practicing them as they read. [Ibid., 7.]
Jim Peterson wrote this book as a means to foster good communication, specifically through the forgotten art of effective listening. Although he is coming from a background of nearly fifty years of pastoral counseling, what he teaches in this book can be used in every aspect of interpersonal communication. [Jim Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, (Portland, OR: Peterson Publications, 2015) 30.]
The book is a combination of three concepts: Flat-Brain Syndrome, the Talker-Listener Card, and a collection of thirty-three listening techniques. The Flat Brain Syndrome is Peterson’s explanation of why people speak or act out of a negative place. In his theory, a person is made up of three parts: emotions (stomach), the heart, thoughts (head). When a person’s emotions are overloaded, this squeezes out the heart and head. The result is a “squished” or “flat” brain that does not speak or think as rationally as it should. When a person recognizes that someone else is speaking out of a “Flat-Brained Syndrome”, they have the opportunity to either respond in kind or break the cycle providing an opportunity to settle the emotions and restore reason. As Peterson writes, “The more you understand people, the less there is to forgive.” [Ibid., 58.]
The second part of the book introduces the Talker-Listener Card (TLC). This is a two-sided card that Peterson uses in his counseling as well as a variety of other scenarios. One side of this card shares the Talker’s goals, to own the problem and share their feelings, and also conditions, to talk without accusing, attacking, labeling, and judging. The flip side of this card is for the listener. The listener’s goals are to provide safety, to understand, and to clarify. The listener agrees to listen without agreeing, disagreeing, advising, or defending. About the purpose of this card, Peterson writes, “If we take turns, that is, focus on one point of view at a time, we literally can’t argue.” [Peterson, Listen Better, 97.]
In addition to these two parts, Peterson has thirty-three listening tips that run through the course of the book. Most chapters end with one of these tips as well as a page or two of explanation. Sometimes, these tips align well with the previous content of the chapter, but not always. In his preface, Peterson said he placed these tips throughout the book so that the reader can begin practicing them as they read. [Ibid., 7.]
December 5, 2018
Easy read that can increase our listening skills. Something we all need to work on! He keeps it simple and interesting.
September 8, 2018
Narcissistic behavior has escalated off the charts in the last 30 years. What we need are not more talkers, but rather, more listeners. I know in my own personal relationships and conversations I have found that I can turn the person into a project to try and solve their "problem" or "predicament" in 30 minutes or less. This book only spends 50 pages or so on how to solve problems with the other 200 pages solely on how to listen better. After reading some of the techniques, I had a strong desire to have some conversations just so I could try these out these new listening techniques. I didn't agree with every method mentioned, however, a vast majority of them proved quite helpful. I know that I will be continually practicing and coming back to this book to improve my listening skills
December 22, 2010
Yes, my mother was right, I DID need to read this book. Actually, EVERYONE should read this book. And now that I've read it, I need to go buy my own copy to keep on hand.
Jim Petersen does a wonderful job of explaining how we go "flat-brained" when we're under stress or under attack, and I love that he also gives concrete steps and techniques to use to recover from that and open communication lines back up by really and truly LISTENING to what other people are trying to tell us. We definitely need the Talker/Listener cards to use in our home, and I may create one to take to work with me, too.
Jim Petersen does a wonderful job of explaining how we go "flat-brained" when we're under stress or under attack, and I love that he also gives concrete steps and techniques to use to recover from that and open communication lines back up by really and truly LISTENING to what other people are trying to tell us. We definitely need the Talker/Listener cards to use in our home, and I may create one to take to work with me, too.
August 15, 2011
I'm well into Chapter 6 and this book is definitely exceeding my expectations. The author is a seasoned Christian counselor and utilizes very practical information and methods to become a better listener, as well as a talker. The amazing thing is that while he doesn't directly infuse scripture into his writing, it becomes very clear that the methods that he's proven to be most effective actually point the reader to the word of God and becoming more Christ-like to truly make the methods work in EVERY type of relationship.
August 21, 2011
Brings new understanding to how people communicate. Explains barriers to understanding and how to overcome them. It is simply a must for any counselor.
Read
June 12, 2012Good read for those looking to be better listeners.
November 27, 2020
This book stands up well a decade later. We need help with listening more than ever, in fact; our tribal society has made it more difficult than it was in 2008 when the book was published. The main point is straightforward: listen more than you talk, don't pretend to listen and actually prep what you're about to say, don't talk past each other, and so on. Peterson has lots of good techniques to listen better, including paraphrasing, reflecting back, returning to a conversation started earlier, identifying the underlying emotions, interrupting frequently to check that you've hear correctly (but not for long) and so on. It would be interesting to get the author's take on how the two political sides, left and right, might listen better to each other in these parlous times.
March 4, 2023
The book contains a lot of different ideas to improve listening skills and hopefully improve relationships. Petersen spends the first part of the book introducing his “flat-brain theory” which examines how feelings, thoughts, and emotions all interact. The text proceeds to examine many techniques to use.
I found many of the techniques still challenging to just put into use and the techniques often need the other person in the conversation to do their part. Yet, we’re only in control of our own thoughts and actions.
With more time and commitment, I think one could dissect each technique, work through it, and find some to use, resulting in eventual improvement of relationships.
I found many of the techniques still challenging to just put into use and the techniques often need the other person in the conversation to do their part. Yet, we’re only in control of our own thoughts and actions.
With more time and commitment, I think one could dissect each technique, work through it, and find some to use, resulting in eventual improvement of relationships.
July 22, 2020
“My seminary training in Greek, Hebrew, theology, Bible and church history hadn’t prepared me for this job.”
This is a book that will serve as a tool and reference throughout one’s life, be it in professional or personal relationships. I guarantee that no matter the number of times this work is revisited, readers will always find something new to pick (back) up or purposefully apply in their daily lives and conversations.
This is a book that will serve as a tool and reference throughout one’s life, be it in professional or personal relationships. I guarantee that no matter the number of times this work is revisited, readers will always find something new to pick (back) up or purposefully apply in their daily lives and conversations.
March 23, 2022
This book was an easy read, with a lot of very helpful and practical tools to be a better listener. I’ll refer back to this often for that reason!
The illustrations for his theories were difficult to follow and I had a hard time with the lack of biblical or psychological basis for the book. I would have loved a deeper approach more grounded in scripture and research, but I understand that wasn’t his goal in writing this. Overall, a very practical and helpful book that is approachable!
The illustrations for his theories were difficult to follow and I had a hard time with the lack of biblical or psychological basis for the book. I would have loved a deeper approach more grounded in scripture and research, but I understand that wasn’t his goal in writing this. Overall, a very practical and helpful book that is approachable!
April 26, 2024
Eye opening book
I feel like this is a book anyone and everyone can and should read. This book opens up a whole new perspective on how to listen and why we communicate. It has been extremely helpful for me and I know I will be referred back to this book in my life many times.
I feel like this is a book anyone and everyone can and should read. This book opens up a whole new perspective on how to listen and why we communicate. It has been extremely helpful for me and I know I will be referred back to this book in my life many times.
June 8, 2018
Everyone should read this book. I mean everyone!!
July 10, 2018
A great read and useful tool for anyone who want to learn better communication skills. I recommend this book.
October 23, 2018
Right on!
This has helped me tremendously and it is also very supportive of my christian faith.
I become a better leader, wife, mom, and grandmother.thank you.
This has helped me tremendously and it is also very supportive of my christian faith.
I become a better leader, wife, mom, and grandmother.thank you.
August 12, 2019
A must read
This book is very practical and good for all relationships. I think everyone should try this book at some point.
This book is very practical and good for all relationships. I think everyone should try this book at some point.
January 21, 2020
Practical book
Very detailed book, easy to read, well visualized . This book is a great tool for relationships on daily basis.
Very detailed book, easy to read, well visualized . This book is a great tool for relationships on daily basis.
April 5, 2022
Fantastic instruction book to help us all learn to listen to each other better. Engaging and fun.
September 29, 2024
Ear Opening
Easy to read with real world applications. You will close the cover wanting to apply the knowledge gained from the wisdom.
Easy to read with real world applications. You will close the cover wanting to apply the knowledge gained from the wisdom.
June 4, 2025
Peterson teaches you how to change your world by listening better. He offers creative strategies to bridge the gap between ineffective and effective communication. Emotional overload can foster protective, defensive, or competitive responses that inhibit understanding. With the right strategies, listeners build relationships based on mutual respect, not shared values. Playful yet practical, Peterson demonstrates everyone wins when we listen better.
March 25, 2020
Book 40 of 2020. This book is deceptively simple. Petersen explains how often we think we’re listening to others, but instead, in practice, we are simply sharpening our arguments and waiting for our turn to talk.
He explains “flat-brain syndrome” or how our emotions keep us from thinking clearly and speaking wisely. He gives many, many listening techniques to try.
I would have appreciated some footnotes and backup research. However, many of the things Petersen said made perfect sense to me. The ideas and the advice are pretty simplistic and are often empathetic common sense. However, living out these ideas is terribly difficult. ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫
#bookstagram #books #seminary #pastoralcounseling #bookreview
He explains “flat-brain syndrome” or how our emotions keep us from thinking clearly and speaking wisely. He gives many, many listening techniques to try.
I would have appreciated some footnotes and backup research. However, many of the things Petersen said made perfect sense to me. The ideas and the advice are pretty simplistic and are often empathetic common sense. However, living out these ideas is terribly difficult. ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫
#bookstagram #books #seminary #pastoralcounseling #bookreview
July 27, 2020
I read this book for a class, but I’d recommend it to anyone who wanted to work on being a better listener. It was full of practical suggestions and ideas, and the author wrote the books with the intention of it being useful for both educational reading as well as personal reading, so it is very readable and doesn’t read like a textbook. At the end of each chapter the author provides a listening technique that can be put into practice any time. I plan to hold on to this book and refer to it again in the future as I work on becoming a better listener.
May 3, 2023
Petersen's "Why Don't We Listen Better?" is a practical guide for improving interpersonal communication. The book emphasizes the importance of active listening and highlights the tenets of empathy, genuineness, and warmth. Petersen uses real-life examples and mental models to analyze social dynamics and examine thought/emotional reactions during interactions. Additionally, the author stresses the significance of self-awareness in communication, making the book engaging, relatable, and valuable for anyone looking to enhance their communication skills and build stronger relationships.
March 3, 2015
Foundational reminders
What I really enjoyed about Petersen's text was the manner in which he transforms listening skills (or lack of) to physical and visual behavior, action, and/or reaction. Making that identification can help individuals recognize the behaviors in themselves and make any necessary modifications. Bravo Petersen! I know I certainly had to make some critical adjustments in my listening skills!
What I really enjoyed about Petersen's text was the manner in which he transforms listening skills (or lack of) to physical and visual behavior, action, and/or reaction. Making that identification can help individuals recognize the behaviors in themselves and make any necessary modifications. Bravo Petersen! I know I certainly had to make some critical adjustments in my listening skills!
September 5, 2023
Very strange approach and advice here. The Talker Listener card is weird and almost in-human in my opinion. I am not sure what I would do if someone put a card in between us that described our responsibilities in the conversation. Very strange.
His main point is good though: that we need to listen better. And there are some helpful tips here. But the rest is odd to me.
Author also seems to not believe in absolute truth, or at least we shouldn’t share that truth with others if we do.
His main point is good though: that we need to listen better. And there are some helpful tips here. But the rest is odd to me.
Author also seems to not believe in absolute truth, or at least we shouldn’t share that truth with others if we do.
January 16, 2015
I enjoyed Mr. Petersen's use of humor in this book. He took an often light-hearted approach to many serious issues that impact people's abilities to communicate and listen effectively. He also offers a lot of useful advice on how to address these deficiencies in listening skills. Overall, I found a lot more useful tips that I can use in this book than I have in many similar books.
July 20, 2018
The second edition of "Why..." is a major improvement on the original, which was a great book. The new layout, with communication tips after each chapter were helpful and made it a lot easier to pick up what the author was putting down. I highly recommend this book and definitely suggest the second edition over the first. Both are good, but the new layout really makes this edition shine.
March 26, 2024
Great Book
Ii have James’ second edition.
I look forward to reading his updates.
Using Petersen’s listening and talking materials, I’ve used his talking/ listening cards with inmates where I volunteer.
I’ve seen a difference in their attitudes, because they are learning to listen and acknowledge when they don’t own someone else’s problem.
Ii have James’ second edition.
I look forward to reading his updates.
Using Petersen’s listening and talking materials, I’ve used his talking/ listening cards with inmates where I volunteer.
I’ve seen a difference in their attitudes, because they are learning to listen and acknowledge when they don’t own someone else’s problem.
April 7, 2016
Good, easy, well written
Of the communication books I've read over the last few months, this was the better of the three. The format was simple and the writing was easy to follow. This is certainly something that couples can do together and discuss to improve communication
Of the communication books I've read over the last few months, this was the better of the three. The format was simple and the writing was easy to follow. This is certainly something that couples can do together and discuss to improve communication
September 22, 2010
This was for a Pastoral Counseling class but it was super! Highly recommend
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews