When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships

by Elisabeth Sheff

Having a friend or family member come out to you as polyamorous can be confusing and stressful. Chances are, you have a lot of questions: Is this just a phase? Won't they settle down someday? What's going to happen to their kids? Do I have to invite all their partners over for Thanksgiving dinner? Why can't they just keep it in the bedroom?When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous offers answers to these and more questions, to help you better understand and support your polyamorous loved ones.

Genres: Polyamory, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Love

48 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 26, 2013

Reviews

[Lucy Hodgman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pros: Approaches the topic from a research-based perspective. The author has a lot of academic experience with this topic. In a very brief book, she does an admirable job of covering a lot of the basics about polyamory. As a poly person, I see her definitions as generally accurate, and her representations of the benefits and challenges of polyamory as realistic.

Cons: I wanted it to be more progressive and dig a little deeper. While I understand the great difficulty in navigating the need to present radical ideas in ways that are digestable by a mainstream audience, I think this book falls a little short of representing the kinds of conversations the polyamory world is having in 2017. There's a lot of focus on nesting (cohabitating/child-rearing) relationships (while common, these don't reflect my personal experience), and not much on solo polyamory/relationship anarchy/"off the escalator" relationships. I'd like to see more diversity in relationship styles represented, as well as more diversity in the people she aims to represent. She acknowledges that most of her subjects are white, highly educated, and middle-class. There are many people beyond that demographic practicing polyamory in ways that also deserve airtime.

[Lectoralila · Rating 3 out of 5]

Elisabeth Sheff escribió este librito allá por el 2016, y se tradujo a nuestro idioma en 2019. Por el medio, en 2018, tuvimos el libro del que hablaba hace unos días de Vasallo. Y en realidad nada tienen que ver. En tanto que el libro de Brigitte trata de forma escrupulosa el contexto histórico por el cual se desarrolla el sistema monógamo imperante en los sistemas sociales, “Apuntes sobre poliamor” es una guía para adentrarse en el poliamor y entenderlo mejor.
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Así pues, a pesar de lo breve que resulta el libro, el contenido aporta una gran variedad de puntos que creo que son esenciales para entender las relaciones no monógamas, tanto si las practicas, si te las planteas, o si no te apetecen para nada, pero sí quieres entender a la gente de tu al rededor que sí lo hace. Sea como sea, debo decir que muchos de los preceptos que aquí se tratan creo que son esenciales para las propias relaciones monógamas.
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Entre los temas que contiene esta guía resalta especialmente el consentimiento y la honestidad. Dos bases fundamentales para llevar a cabo cualquier tipo de relación, conste de dos miembros, de tres o de más. La idea, errónea, de que el poliamor va de “f*llar mucho”, como comúnmente se puede pensar, vuelve a corregirse entre sus páginas dejando claro que eso es otra cosa. Las personas implicadas en este tipo de consensos tienen relaciones afectivo-sexuales, consentidas. Si no son consentidas es otra cosa, y esa etiqueta se llama infidelidad. Rompiendo mitos quiero rescatar este fragmento: «En nuestra sociedad, “sentar la cabeza” con una relación monógama es un signo de madurez. La no monogamia, por contra, puede parecer inmadura, poco honesta e insegura. En realidad, algunas personas poliamorosas dicen que tener relaciones no normativas requiere de mucha comunicación, honestidad y crecimiento personal.» Escuchar activamente a tu(s) parejas, comunicarte o ser sincera son las bases de todas las relaciones, y dentro del sistema no monógamo es una parte esencial.
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Dentro de cada relación, monógama o no, se establecerán los acuerdos. De la misma forma que no todas las relaciones monógamas tienen el mismo tipo de consensos, no será así para las relaciones poliamorosas, donde existen una infinidad de opciones, que siempre deberán ser respetadas y consentidas por todos los miembros. Desde una tríada poliamorososa cerrada, como es el caso de una miniserie que me gusta mucho y recomiendo mucho también, “Trigonometry” de HBO; hasta relaciones donde cada miembro tiene otras relaciones afectivo-sexuales con otras personas. Este libro, también tiene unos apartados interesantes sobre la crianza, sobre cómo se sienten las criaturas que viven dentro de este sistema no monógamo, o sobre cómo tratar todos estos asuntos, si llegas a ellos, con las personas de tu entorno. De ahí mi hincapié a que también sirve en sentido contrario, para poder entender a las personas que practican esta forma de relacionarse sin estigmatizarlas.
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Sea como sea, me apetecía incluirlo en esta especie de “especial” que estoy tratando de llevar a cabo en febrero sobre el autoamor, el deseo femenino, y los afectos.

[R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

"If we use a traditional definition, a relationship that “works” is one where a couple gets legally married, has kids, and remains together in an emotionally intimate and sexually exclusive relationship until one of them dies. By this definition, polyamory does not work. Unfortunately, the high rates of divorce and infidelity in the United States show that most monogamous relationships do not work this way, either. When they don’t work, they are called “failed” relationships or “broken” families. If we define a successful relationship as one that meets the needs of the people involved and can be flexible as needs change, then polyamory works well for some people."

This book is geared towards family members and friends of polyamorist people, not people who are poly themselves. That makes it somewhat unique. I read the kindle version but I think there is also a version in paperback if you want to gift it to someone you know. Although I question as to how receptive someone would be getting this book in their stocking at Christmas if they were the type who wasn't open to the idea of polyamory anyway. I think that more or less, someone needs to come to this sort of thing on their own and they're either going to search for more wisdom and knowledge or not.

"Popular images of romance cast jealousy as an emblem of true love—because someone must really care if they are jealous, right? The other side of jealousy is so little-known that polyamorists had to make up a word for it: compersion, or the warm glow of happiness that comes when one’s lover is happy with one of their other lovers."

Jealousy tanks monogamous relationships all the time and so I don't see why polyamorists would be immune from having to deal with it. The differences are that polyamorists should talk more about how to avoid jealousy and they should ideally be more open to dealing with and experiencing the sort of behavior from their partner that would make monogamists fly into a jealous rage.

"While they like the sexual variety, most adults say that the additional emotional, financial, and practical support that comes with polyamory far outweighs any sexual advantages. For parents in poly families, sharing parenting among more than two people means more sleep and personal time for everyone."

I don't know any parents anywhere that would complain about getting a little more sleep and they almost always want a little more personal time as well, despite feeling guilty about wanting something for themselves. Unrelated to polyamory or the book, that ties into a theme in American culture where parents are supposed to want to spend every waking minute around their kids and doing things for them. The older I've gotten, the more I want to encourage a "free range" parenting style with my kids. I want them to be independent thinkers and problem solvers.

[June García · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es lo que promete ser, una guía básica, para cualquier tipo de persona, muy concisa pero bastante completa. Me pareció interesante que incluyera harta info sobre la familia y les hijes en relaciones poliamorosas. También deja una lista de otros libros muy buena.

[Randy Foreman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short and sweet intro book.

[Hope · Rating 4 out of 5]

This small, easy to understand book would be an excellent starting point for folks just learning about polyamory. It's a very basic guide, written from and for an outside perspective. The simplicity and outside perspective make it more accessible to folks new to the concept of polyamory. The book emphasizes the importance of communication and honest, both as part of polyamory, and for interacting with loved ones who've come out as poly.

[Lorenzo Primiterra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very basic book that includes all the information about polyamory from relationships to children.
It contains as well many thoughts of the author that are intended to stimulate your brain and do your own reflections and meditations.
It is really suggested if you know little about this topic and want to improve your knowledge.

[Luc they, them · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, non-bias, and informative. Perfect to give to someone who wants to know more about poly but has no idea where to begin.

[Zoya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un libro sencillo que te acerca a los conceptos básicos del poliamor de una forma objetiva y científica, basándose en el estudio longitudinal de la autora. Muy recomendable como lectura introductoria ya que trata cuestiones recurrentes en el día a día de las personas poliamorosas y sus entornos.

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very simple pamphlet giving introductory info. May be appropriate to give to a clueless traditional family member when you don't want to waste your time answering their basic questions. It stumbles near the beginning though, in saying that polyamorous people are usually heterosexual or bisexual. This leaves out a lot of gay people and lesbians who are indeed poly. So you might want to check out the whole book first in case there is some particularly relevant information that you need to correct for the intended reader. It's a quick read.

[Caitlyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This 38-page overview is one of the best Abebooks impulse buys I ever made. I had gone out to find and purchase The Ethical Slut and More Than Two, but who has time for 300-pagers like that? Sheff is a sociologist and her writing is academic but caring, thorough but to the point, and overall the most perfect primer on polyamory I've read.

[Kokelector]

Esta doctora en psicología, no miente: son apuntes para entender mejor el poliamor. Que no es lo mismo que otras prácticas sexuales, sino que tiene que ver mucho más con un estilo de vida de cómo llevar adelante una vida no monógama, en base a la honestidad, el respeto y la sexo afectividad segura.
Encontrar conceptos, definiciones y por sobre todo algunas ejemplificaciones de preguntas que algunas vez te pudiste haber hecho en base al poliamor: qué pasa con las salidas, cuándo hay descendencia de por medio, las y los hijos y muchas preguntas más pertinentes.
Un libro pequeño, de apuntes, que ayudará a orientarte en torno al tema del poliamor.

[Aren Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read to say the least... quite a small book so it took no time to finish but there is a huge section on children... I don't have kids so I read a bit of it but skipped over most of the kid portion. Still a good read. It is packed with good information and I would suggest it definitely.

[Miguel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great overview on a controversial and foreign concept to many. Low enough abstraction to be useful but high enough to be useful to someone with no knowledge on the subject.

It refers to itself as a pamphlet and completely agree. It is small and concise enough to distribute to someone trying to understand.

[Nati · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really informative short read and honest about it's pool of data that they doctor pulls their research analysis from. A bit dated in the terms as we now try to use Polya as the short term abbreviated term for Polyamory since it is confused with the term Poly which Polynesians use as an abbreviation for their race.

[Tristen Kite · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a polyamorous person, I read this book because I wanted to know what information it provided before adding it to recommended titles for other polyamorous people.
I highly suggest this to anyone who has a nonmonogamous friend/sibling/parent/child/coworker/whatever. It offers a lot of great insight, and explains things in a clear non judgemental manner.

[Romina Mosquera Lucas · Rating 5 out of 5]

No está narrado a modo ensayo sino como recopilación de datos de investigación. De hecho la autora es monógama, aunque defiende con fervor y sobre todo con data todos los matices del poliamor. También plantea desafíos y problemáticas claves en este tipo de vínculos. Muy interesante, acerca conceptos básicos para indagar y pensarse.

[Jenni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short (52 pages), nice concise guide that you could give to someone to explain the bare bones basics of Polyamory. I felt like it was more aimed towards the polyamorous person's parents, as it was focused a bit on family and kids. I liked that it was short and shareable. My mother wouldn't read 700 pages on poly, but she'd probably read this.

[Grecia Astrid · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es un buen texto para introducirnos en la comprensión del poliamor. Aunque no es el objetivo principal del libro, en todo el texto hay críticas muy fuertes a la monogamia que, por lo menos, te obligan a cuestionar mucho sobre las relaciones “tradicionales”

[Marcos · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cumple su propósito: ser una guía detallada para comprender las relaciones no monógamas, tanto en ámbitos familiares como en relacionales y comunicativos. Si en algún momento de mi vida establezco una relación poliamorosa formal consensuada, será el libro que obligaré a leer a toda mi familia!

[Zyriel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid intro resource. Very well done. Concise but good coverage and detail.

[Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great little primer on the basics - would be great to give to a loved one to give them a crash course on the lingo and common questions and objections.

[Amanda Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informative, but very short

[Antoni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pamflet molt bàsic, però útil

[Michael Burks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good information.

I believe this is a good start for people thinking of being in the lifestyle. There are many other books out there that dive further into the lifestyle.

[Sonata · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a fair primer for people who don’t know about this lifestyle giving an objective perspective.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent overview of polyamory. Broad definitions that cover most poly folk, without getting into the details of different flavors of how people poly.

[Traci Lovelot · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book to give to friends and family who don't understand what you mean when you tell them you're polyamorous.

[Karien Díaz Valdez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apuntes sencillos de observación sin juicios a familias no monogramas

[Soleil Rintoul · Rating 5 out of 5]

My absolute favorite book to share with family and friends about polyamory! This is a great introduction for anyone.