How to Communicate Like a Buddhist

by Cynthia Kane

An Instruction Manual for Clear Communication   The most well-known Buddhist teachers on the planet all have something in they are excellent communicators. This is not a coincidence, as the Buddha taught what are called the four elements of right speech over 2,600 years ago. In this one-of-a-kind book, certified meditation and mindfulness instructor Cynthia Kane has taken the four elements of right speech and developed them into a modern practice based on mindful listening, mindful speech, and mindful silence. Beginning with an illuminating self-test to assess your current communication style, this book will take you through the author's own five-step practice, which will help you learn

Listen to yourself (your internal and external words) Listen to others Speak consciously, concisely, and clearly Regard silence as a part of speech Meditate to enhance your communication skills If you have ever felt misheard, had trouble stating how you feel, or longed to have more meaningful and genuine conversations, this book can help. The simple steps outlined here will have a lasting effect on how you communicate with yourself and others. Communication is essential to being human, and when you become better at it, your personal truth will become clearer, your relationships will improve, and you will experience more peace and harmony in your life. Fans of Thich Nhat Hanh will appreciate these simple, clear instructions for how to transform everyday communication into “right speech.”

Genres: Buddhism, Communication, Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality, Philosophy, Relationships

162 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 2016

Reviews

[Ebony · Rating 3 out of 5]

How to Communicate Like a Buddhist is a solid treatise for anyone desiring to acquire or improve communication skills. She calls our familial patterns “communication trees.” Some of us simply have not experienced effective communication. There’s a quiz at the beginning to measure where you are. Then she moves into self talk. You cannot communicate well with others until you communicate well with yourself. That section was the most insightful. We’re so harsh with ourselves. It was a great mirror that definitely has me checking my self talk. Then once we can talk and listen to ourselves then we can talk and listen to others. Everything we say should be true, kind, and helpful. The middle of the book is basically my interpersonal communication course. When we listen, we should be present and compassionate. The final section is on meditation. There were some really practical meditations for empathy and increased compassion for ourselves and others. Overall, the book is conscious, concise, and clear as her three Cs of communication suggest.

That said, I’m new to the Buddhist perspectives on life so it does and doesn’t surprise me that none of the white women authors I’ve read recently root their Buddisht practices in real world applications. Must conciseness always be the aim of a masterful storyteller? How do you communicate like a Buddhist with a physical, emotional, or psychological abuser? How do you undo your stories without professional help, if you grew up as an abuse survivor? What do you do if your mindful listening skills make you a target for people who want to exploit said skills? How do you remain kind, true, and helpful with someone who wants to harm you? She actually says at one point, no one is out to hurt you, but many times people are consistently communicating with you to hurt you. If you’re so busy not taking things personally, not having defensive reactions, and empathizing with others how do you keep yourself safe? Questions for another book, I presume.

[Rosie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to take this book with me everywhere! it's a great reference point and i took notes so i can remind myself anytime I'm struggling with a particular lesson. she does an excellent job compacting and interconnecting all the material..excited to check out the corresponding meditations

[Rebekka Steg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Photography by the incredible Dominique Fierro Hair & Makeup: Abigail de Casanova[/caption]

I've followed Cynthia Kane for a while (I recommend following her on Twitter as well), so I was absolutely delighted when she gave me the chance to read the advanced copy of her newly released book How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. It is an important topic, and Kane is both well-equipped to tackle it and does so masterfully.

While the concepts in the book are rooted in Buddhism, you do not need to be a Buddhist (I'm not) to find it incredibly helpful and valuable. To see how well you do (or do not) communicate already you can take Kane's free test on her website (this test is also covered at the beginning of the book).
Foundations of communication
The foundation of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist is based on a Sufi saying:

Before you speak,
let your words pass through three gates.

At the first gate,
ask yourself, "Is it true?"

At the second gate,
ask, "Is it necessary?"

At the third gate,
ask, "Is it kind?"

And on what Kane calls the three Cs:

"To speak consciously: slow the conversation down (beat, breathe, question) and know what you are and aren't responsible for in the conversation. (You're responsible for your words, actions, and reactions. You are not responsible for the other person's words, reactions, and actions."
"To speak concisely: cut the fat by eliminating anything that doesn't qualify as right speech and enhance the conversation. Express yourself with the purpose and point in mind."
"To speak clearly: say what you mean, incorporate the ask into your conversations, and be specific." 

How to Communicate Like a Buddhist covers mindful listening - how to listen to yourself and to others, mindful speech - speak consciously, concisely, and clearly and how to use the language of silence, mindful silence with a great introduction to meditation.

Throughout the book it is very clear that Kane follows her own suggestions. This isn't a long book, but each chapter is packed with valuable information and tactics. Too often books are much longer than needed, watering down and hiding the true treasures. Not so with How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, instead I chose to read a chapter or just a few pages a day to fully take in and meditate upon her shared wisdom.
Staying Present in the Moment & Knowing What You Are - and Are Not - Responsible For
This was one of my favourite stories, and something I have been working on for a while - staying present in the moment:

After class, Bryan picked me up. We drove to the grocery store, and I couldn't get the student out of my head as we were shopping. He was asking me questions but I wasn't paying attention. I was thinking more about the girl in class, hoping that she was feeling better. Standing between the broccoli and me, Bryan put his hands on my shoulders and said, "We're in the grocery store now. Whatever happened in class, let it go. We're here now." I looked into his eyes. He was right. This was a new moment I wanted to be present for. I noted the feeling in my body and let it dissipate. I'm here now, I said to myself. This is a new moment. Be here now. We're always noticing, detaching, noticing, detaching. Being present is a constant state of refocusing on the moment at hand.

Another topic that I find myself returning to again and again is the topic of taking personal responsibility, and even more so, not to take responsibility for other people's emotions, feelings and interpretations - I imagine that I'm not alone in this, as it is something that many (especially women) are socialized to do. Kane also covers this topic beautifully and left me with several little passages to return to and meditate upon:

Remember that a bodhisattva is someone who hears the cries of the world and endeavors to limit suffering. For the purposes of communication, a bodhisattva would choose her words carefully so that her listener may understand and be helped by them.
That being said, it's important to remember that while you do your best in being conscious of which words you choose and how you use them, you are ultimately not responsible for someone else's reaction to them. Your speech is what you control, but you can't control how those words are interpreted.

...

What I have learned is that if someone is having a bad day or a difficult time, there is nothing wrong with trying to make the person feel better, as long as you remember that ultimately it's up to him or her to have the self-awareness to see what the trouble is and then decide what needs to happen in order to feel better. It's the other person's responsibility to learn how to alleviate his or her own pain, but it's not our pain to resolve, nor is it within our power to do so.

Whether you're a beginner or an expert when it comes to communication I believe you will discover some excellent gems within How to Communicate Like a Buddhist and I highly recommend it. If you want to dig even deeper I know that Kane also runs an 8 week Communicate Like a Buddhist course.

 

[Selma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! I meant to read this years ago because I bought another one of her books on a whim in undergrad.

The first half doesn't go over how to talk to others, but instead on how to talk to yourself and then work outwards. The second half gives a nice formula that ultimately says "here's how you can be a better communicator, but mileage may vary. You might not be able to communicate your way out of the stuff."

The last part was a single paragraph so I can see where others felt she wasn't fully addressing injustice, systemic issues, abuse, etc.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful for learning how to better communicate! Will try to implement these tools!

[Caroline Caputo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to LOVE this book, but I didn’t feel that way until the very end when it provided a lot of novel information that can be put to practice in life, like meditation.

[James Coleman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great step toward thoughtful communication and listening. It also teaches a very important lesson of how love, console and forgive yourself just like you would a grieving friend or family member. Too often we are hard on ourselves and create limiting self-beliefs which are harmful to us.

This book has taught me to really think before I speak to myself and others: is what I'm about to say kind, honest and free from judgment?

[LS Schulz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the author's candor and conversational style while talking about her personal journey as she learned these techniques (and how she is still practicing them). It breaks down some of the Buddhist teachings on right speech and gives simple, concrete examples of what they are, what they are not and how one can put them into practice - while being gentle and forgiving of one's mistakes or slip-ups back into old communication habits. You don't actually have to be Buddhist to learn from the techniques in this book, either - they are good things to learn if you want to foster better communication in your relationships and in life in general (like keeping yourself from gossiping about others and trying to listen and respond conscientiously, rather than instantly reacting and escalating a problem or misunderstanding, etc.).

[Liz Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite thoughtful and very helpful, I enjoyed this book. I found it explained many good ideas quite well and easy to understand. The exercises in the book were helpful and well laid out and I even found myself sharing them with others. I've already started applying the lessons to my everyday speech patterns and listening as well. I think I'm seeing some success already and that's really encouraging to me.

[Pablo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A clear and kind approach to reach others

I like this book and its method. How to approach communication thinking not just about the message. It's thinking about the recipient and ourselves as people with emotions that play in any interaction, and making a recognition of that part of a positive conversation that helps you grow as an individual

[Emily Tsitrian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reenforced a lot of core concepts that I've learned in meditation classes, therapy, etc that was super useful. It was a little too casual for a five star review but an easy and accessible read.

[Andjelka Jankovic · Rating 5 out of 5]

The topic of speaking my truth keeps coming up at the moment and this book magically appeared which charts the course for how to communicate with intention. Practical pointers, easy to digest and take what jump at you into your life.

[Megamus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! It is so honest, deep and insightful. It has stuck with me and I know it will for years to come. It is definitely a book you can read over again and challenge yourself in a positive way. A great little book.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an assigned reading for my yoga teacher training. The concepts are similar to communication skills I utilize as a therapist. Worth a read if you need help learning how to communicate effectively and compassionately.

[Ellen Keener · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful in developing right speech.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book. I hope I can put it to use in my life.

[Julian Igot · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy read for me, as a secular person, this is where I find peace. A must read if you're new to spirituality.

[Libby · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was, unfortunately, a very dull book

[David Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful guide for being a better communicator and listener. I read this with the intent of using its lessons in my daily life.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well said.

[David Kritz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book and receiving a different lens to think about things as a person who continually receives an INTJ from the Myers-Briggs test.

[John Owen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a simple clear guide that gives some useful insight into improving communication.

[Bob]

I just finished my initial read. Now I'll go back and study/meditate. Communicating "kindly" with myself is definitely the weakest spot of mine.

[Ljonz · Rating 4 out of 5]

very good review of communication techniques.

[Jeanette Stingley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful

I came across this book at the perfect time. I really needed to hear/read the information. I have problems expressing myself verbally. This has been a great guide

[Heidi Rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing

I love this authors writing style, she's lovely. Helpful information and step-by-step guidance, I'm excited to try some of these in my day to day.

[Zyriel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty good book. I had to listen twice on audio to really gain what I would have, had I read it instead. It's very quick. There were a few things that made me cringe a little, and a few points where the author really needed to give examples or better examples. But over-all I liked the message and the practical suggestions. A good book.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple but helpful strategies for communicating in more compassionate ways.

[Patricia Kendrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book, have read all 3 and they have all helped me in numerous ways. You are never too old to learn new ways

[Thomas D MacIntosh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a fantastic overview of the serve-your-world approach to life.