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"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.
295 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1985
3355 people are currently reading
38855 people want to read
About the author
Harriet Lerner
69 books976 followersDr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,691 reviews
November 10, 2023
I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church. When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin, I felt reluctant. I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles, that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry. I was not eager to hear this message, as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced, but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind. The rector, however, said nothing of anger being either bad or good; he said, rather, that our anger reveals what we truly value. We become angry, he observed, when something happens that does not match up with the way we think the world SHOULD be. This insight remained in the back of my mind as I read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Anger.”
Anger, says Learner, is neither bad or good: it simply IS. But our expression of anger can be – and often is — ineffectual. We become engaged in a “dance of anger” with our spouses, parents, children, co-workers, and others rather than using that energy to clearly define our values and take action to get for ourselves what we need. We tend, she says, to “see people rather than patterns as the problem.” To break ineffective patterns, which are often perpetuated by the way we either express or repress our anger, we need instead to use our anger to affect change. Rather than wasting our energy trying to change the opinions and values and actions of other people, over which we have no actual control, we should use our energy to clearly determine and state our own values and what action we will take on our own behalf to resolve our own problems. (The objective is not to be manipulative, however.) We also need to identify the true (and sometimes multiple) sources of our anger so that it is not misplaced. This requires changing old, familiar patterns in relationships and can therefore be difficult or frightening for any or all parties involved.
Much in “The Dance of Anger” resonated with me, and the basic premise is useful, but I was initially put off by the feminist thrust of the opening pages. Dr. Lerner seemed to define expressions of anger more in terms of sex roles, societal oppression of women, and the like rather than in terms of individual personality and life circumstances, which seems to me to have as much to do with how people express (or repress) anger as gender does. Indeed, I think (in romantic relationships, at least) that perhaps men just as often fail to admit their anger and resentment for fear of jeopardizing a relationship as do women.
It was ironic to read Lerner’s suggestion that it’s not useful to worry about who is to blame for a given situation, and then later to read her response to a question in a particular situation: “Was Melisa, then, the cause of the problem? Of course not. If Melissa had been in an institution where women were truly empowered and where she, as a female, was not a numerically scarce commodity at the top, her behavior would have been quite different. In fact, research indicates that women who hold positions of authority in male-dominated settings are not able to clearly define their own selves…” These sorts of mini feminist rants, even when I didn’t disagree with them, occasionally distracted me from the author’s overall thesis. Fortunately, they are brief and widely dispersed.
Another caution I have is that she speaks a lot of “deselfing,” and although I certainly think this sort of thing does go on for women (and yes, even sometimes men too!), there is a fine line here that must be walked, between refusing to “deself” one’s self and simply being SELFISH. And that’s a line that can be very blurry for a lot of people, myself included. I think Dr. Learner’s advice may have a tendency to push some women over onto the selfish side of that line. In her outlook, there is very little moral judgment necessary. Feelings just are, and women just need to figure out what’s best for them, personally, and take action to resolve their own problems and satisfy their own needs. “Maybe I am selfish, but…” seems to be a refrain. Really, what’s wrong with taking the time to contemplate whether or not our guilt is, in fact, telling us we’re being selfish, rather than simply overcoming it and moving on to realize our needs for ourselves? And if we can really learn to live with our feelings of guilt in order to fulfill our needs, couldn’t we just as easily learn to live with our feelings of anger and resentment in order to fulfill the needs of other people? And, if so, which SHOULD we do? I don’t think these sorts of questions can be so easily dismissed.
Perhaps the guilt/anger dilemma is so difficult for me because of my religious background. Christianity emphasizes not just sins of action but sins of the heart. “You have heard it said, don’t commit adultery, but I say, don’t even lust. You have heard it said, don’t murder, but I say, don’t even be angry with your brother without a cause.” And so forth. It’s not that Christianity claims anger itself is wrong (rather, “Be angry, yet sin not,”), it’s just that it’s sometimes difficult for me to tell when anger morphs into sinful expressions of anger, or when anger is justified and when it is “without a cause.” So I found this book quite fascinating because, given my religious confusion, the “dance of anger” has been a particularly difficult issue for me. Selflessnes (some might even go so far as to say something not terribly unlike “deselfing”) and peace are both seen as virtues in Christianity, and yet, there also exists the traditional Christian concept of the virtue of righteous anger (a concept perhaps too much de-emphasized in modern times). What Learner did for me in this book was to focus my mind on a different and probably more useful question: not, is my anger GOOD or BAD, but, rather, is my anger ACCOMPLISHING anything positive? And, if not, how can I USE it to accomplish something positive? This, I felt, was a helpful mental re-direction for me.
Anger, says Learner, is neither bad or good: it simply IS. But our expression of anger can be – and often is — ineffectual. We become engaged in a “dance of anger” with our spouses, parents, children, co-workers, and others rather than using that energy to clearly define our values and take action to get for ourselves what we need. We tend, she says, to “see people rather than patterns as the problem.” To break ineffective patterns, which are often perpetuated by the way we either express or repress our anger, we need instead to use our anger to affect change. Rather than wasting our energy trying to change the opinions and values and actions of other people, over which we have no actual control, we should use our energy to clearly determine and state our own values and what action we will take on our own behalf to resolve our own problems. (The objective is not to be manipulative, however.) We also need to identify the true (and sometimes multiple) sources of our anger so that it is not misplaced. This requires changing old, familiar patterns in relationships and can therefore be difficult or frightening for any or all parties involved.
Much in “The Dance of Anger” resonated with me, and the basic premise is useful, but I was initially put off by the feminist thrust of the opening pages. Dr. Lerner seemed to define expressions of anger more in terms of sex roles, societal oppression of women, and the like rather than in terms of individual personality and life circumstances, which seems to me to have as much to do with how people express (or repress) anger as gender does. Indeed, I think (in romantic relationships, at least) that perhaps men just as often fail to admit their anger and resentment for fear of jeopardizing a relationship as do women.
It was ironic to read Lerner’s suggestion that it’s not useful to worry about who is to blame for a given situation, and then later to read her response to a question in a particular situation: “Was Melisa, then, the cause of the problem? Of course not. If Melissa had been in an institution where women were truly empowered and where she, as a female, was not a numerically scarce commodity at the top, her behavior would have been quite different. In fact, research indicates that women who hold positions of authority in male-dominated settings are not able to clearly define their own selves…” These sorts of mini feminist rants, even when I didn’t disagree with them, occasionally distracted me from the author’s overall thesis. Fortunately, they are brief and widely dispersed.
Another caution I have is that she speaks a lot of “deselfing,” and although I certainly think this sort of thing does go on for women (and yes, even sometimes men too!), there is a fine line here that must be walked, between refusing to “deself” one’s self and simply being SELFISH. And that’s a line that can be very blurry for a lot of people, myself included. I think Dr. Learner’s advice may have a tendency to push some women over onto the selfish side of that line. In her outlook, there is very little moral judgment necessary. Feelings just are, and women just need to figure out what’s best for them, personally, and take action to resolve their own problems and satisfy their own needs. “Maybe I am selfish, but…” seems to be a refrain. Really, what’s wrong with taking the time to contemplate whether or not our guilt is, in fact, telling us we’re being selfish, rather than simply overcoming it and moving on to realize our needs for ourselves? And if we can really learn to live with our feelings of guilt in order to fulfill our needs, couldn’t we just as easily learn to live with our feelings of anger and resentment in order to fulfill the needs of other people? And, if so, which SHOULD we do? I don’t think these sorts of questions can be so easily dismissed.
Perhaps the guilt/anger dilemma is so difficult for me because of my religious background. Christianity emphasizes not just sins of action but sins of the heart. “You have heard it said, don’t commit adultery, but I say, don’t even lust. You have heard it said, don’t murder, but I say, don’t even be angry with your brother without a cause.” And so forth. It’s not that Christianity claims anger itself is wrong (rather, “Be angry, yet sin not,”), it’s just that it’s sometimes difficult for me to tell when anger morphs into sinful expressions of anger, or when anger is justified and when it is “without a cause.” So I found this book quite fascinating because, given my religious confusion, the “dance of anger” has been a particularly difficult issue for me. Selflessnes (some might even go so far as to say something not terribly unlike “deselfing”) and peace are both seen as virtues in Christianity, and yet, there also exists the traditional Christian concept of the virtue of righteous anger (a concept perhaps too much de-emphasized in modern times). What Learner did for me in this book was to focus my mind on a different and probably more useful question: not, is my anger GOOD or BAD, but, rather, is my anger ACCOMPLISHING anything positive? And, if not, how can I USE it to accomplish something positive? This, I felt, was a helpful mental re-direction for me.
November 30, 2016
** A Life Changing Book **
Read years ago. This book made a huge impact on my life, and changed my life dramatically for the better.
The Dance of Anger, recommended by a therapist, will show the reader how to express anger -- and deal with anger being directed toward you -- without yelling, screaming, name calling, etc.
This was literally the first clue I ever got about how to express anger in a calm way and to actually RESOLVE an issue, without constantly exploding over it, or being the "explodee".
Read years ago. This book made a huge impact on my life, and changed my life dramatically for the better.
The Dance of Anger, recommended by a therapist, will show the reader how to express anger -- and deal with anger being directed toward you -- without yelling, screaming, name calling, etc.
This was literally the first clue I ever got about how to express anger in a calm way and to actually RESOLVE an issue, without constantly exploding over it, or being the "explodee".
Read
January 8, 2025Brb, off to recommend this to every woman in my life
February 27, 2017
Read this years ago ... my older daughter too.
Absolutely valuable....
The authors new book out this year sounds even more powerful.
Absolutely valuable....
The authors new book out this year sounds even more powerful.
November 12, 2008
I think this author produced a well-thought out book. It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive, effective results.
There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn't spent much time on this, either. A case was presented in which a woman was not "allowed" to attend the author's anger workshop because her husband said no.
The author presented several "real cases" then proceeded to explain how she helped the person or persons work through their anger issues. There was a couple that had problem(s) with the husbands parents and the husband did not "deal" with the issue while the wife became more and more irate. Interesting way to handle it; however, I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the person related to "handle" his/her family, not the spouse.
There was a young (new) mother who had repeated conflicts with her over-controlling mother that escalated when the two mom's parenting styles clashed. I'm not sure I agree with how that was handled, either.
There was a couple that the wife thought their infant was not developing properly and the husband blew off her thoughts, which caused the wife to focus more intently on her point(s) and the husband to back further away. (This went on for almost a year!) I thought she made a good point in that when one pushes hard in a certain direction the other can often push even harder the opposite direction...however, it bugged me that she suggested that if the woman had waited until the man was more "receptive" (like after "snuggling", i.e., sex) then approached him with her concerns, he may have acted differently. (Yikes, timing is important, but dang!)
There was another couple that complained that the man was uninvolved in the family and the woman was too emotional and too involved in the children's lives. I did not care for her resolution here and thought she missed the boat completely by not suggesting the couple were and had grown apart and that they needed to work on their relationship and focus on reconnecting. As it was, the husband dreaded coming home for fear she would "hound" him about her day.
In any event, the author does open the door of thought to help guide disruptive anger. For me, there was not much that I haven't already figured out in my almost 50 years of age, but for someone younger or still struggling there may be some good suggestions found in this book about focusing on productive anger. I hoped it offered tidbits on helping bitter, angry people work through their issues and that wasn't between the pages of this read.
One thing worth mentioning that I had not realized: There isn't one unflattering term used to describe men who vent their anger at women. Women are called bitches, shrews, man-haters, witches, etc while men are called bastards, son of a bitch--words that still place the blame on his mother. (Well, how about that?)
There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn't spent much time on this, either. A case was presented in which a woman was not "allowed" to attend the author's anger workshop because her husband said no.
The author presented several "real cases" then proceeded to explain how she helped the person or persons work through their anger issues. There was a couple that had problem(s) with the husbands parents and the husband did not "deal" with the issue while the wife became more and more irate. Interesting way to handle it; however, I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the person related to "handle" his/her family, not the spouse.
There was a young (new) mother who had repeated conflicts with her over-controlling mother that escalated when the two mom's parenting styles clashed. I'm not sure I agree with how that was handled, either.
There was a couple that the wife thought their infant was not developing properly and the husband blew off her thoughts, which caused the wife to focus more intently on her point(s) and the husband to back further away. (This went on for almost a year!) I thought she made a good point in that when one pushes hard in a certain direction the other can often push even harder the opposite direction...however, it bugged me that she suggested that if the woman had waited until the man was more "receptive" (like after "snuggling", i.e., sex) then approached him with her concerns, he may have acted differently. (Yikes, timing is important, but dang!)
There was another couple that complained that the man was uninvolved in the family and the woman was too emotional and too involved in the children's lives. I did not care for her resolution here and thought she missed the boat completely by not suggesting the couple were and had grown apart and that they needed to work on their relationship and focus on reconnecting. As it was, the husband dreaded coming home for fear she would "hound" him about her day.
In any event, the author does open the door of thought to help guide disruptive anger. For me, there was not much that I haven't already figured out in my almost 50 years of age, but for someone younger or still struggling there may be some good suggestions found in this book about focusing on productive anger. I hoped it offered tidbits on helping bitter, angry people work through their issues and that wasn't between the pages of this read.
One thing worth mentioning that I had not realized: There isn't one unflattering term used to describe men who vent their anger at women. Women are called bitches, shrews, man-haters, witches, etc while men are called bastards, son of a bitch--words that still place the blame on his mother. (Well, how about that?)
December 12, 2007
I know my friends are sick of hearing about her, but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru (from afar). I never really thought I'd read a self-help book(especially one on relationships, eek), but I've re-read this one three times at different points in my life. The books (there's a Dance series) are easy to read, her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives, and her advice is really sound. The basic premise is that if you're unhappy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you're the one who has to change things, that you're wasting your time if you're trying to change someone else. And she gives good ways, really specific ways to do that. Anyway, I just think she's brilliant and I actually enjoy reading the books. Just give 'em a try.
June 7, 2021
The advice for patterns of behavior was sound, but I can't get over some of the examples.
If you're a mother and your husband's unresolved issues, along with your unresolved issues, allows things like "Father took off his belt to Billy, whereas previously he had only gone after his son with harsh words" and your reaction is to "leave the room or take a walk because that helps" you are allowing your child to be abused. Yes, your relationship triangle might need to be fixed, but allowing your child to be physically harmed is now creating trauma for him. What about the child's anger for being abused because of the change in the parent's dynamic? That is horrifying!
And the mother who let her baby cry it out starting at 2 months and the baby was still crying herself to sleep at a year and a half - can we talk about the anger that the baby is feeling by not getting her needs met?
The underlying message of changing the dance between two adults and learning what is one's responsibility in a relationship is sound advice, however, a therapist who uses trauma to children as worthy examples should have her license revoked.
If you're a mother and your husband's unresolved issues, along with your unresolved issues, allows things like "Father took off his belt to Billy, whereas previously he had only gone after his son with harsh words" and your reaction is to "leave the room or take a walk because that helps" you are allowing your child to be abused. Yes, your relationship triangle might need to be fixed, but allowing your child to be physically harmed is now creating trauma for him. What about the child's anger for being abused because of the change in the parent's dynamic? That is horrifying!
And the mother who let her baby cry it out starting at 2 months and the baby was still crying herself to sleep at a year and a half - can we talk about the anger that the baby is feeling by not getting her needs met?
The underlying message of changing the dance between two adults and learning what is one's responsibility in a relationship is sound advice, however, a therapist who uses trauma to children as worthy examples should have her license revoked.
March 16, 2022
I don’t care for self-help books and this one was no different. The advice seems obvious and condescending. My biggest issue with the book is the underlying assumption that the person feeling anger is just dealing with themselves wrong; it does not adequately take into account the possibility that the anger is a proportional response to someone making entirely inappropriate and unreasonable demands. My abusive ex-husband gave this to me to read so I would be more accommodating and pleasant regardless of how he treated me. I’ve honestly almost never been angry since we divorced and I never see him. The problem was his behaviour, not my emotions and this book could not comprehend that scenario.
June 23, 2018
Her kadının okuması gereken bir kitap. Bu zamana kadar okumadığıma üzüldüm.
December 7, 2019
وحده الطفل من يغضب ويسهل استفزازه الذكي لا يستفز ولا يغضب ويحكم عقله الذكي هو من يجعل الاخر يغضب ويستفزه. عقلك يتحكم في عواطفك لا تسمح ابدا للعواطف ان تتحكم دع العواطف للاغبياء. الغضب خطير جدا يفقدك عقلك ويجعلك تتصرف بطريقة غبية تتصرف بالطريقة التي يريدها من يكرهك ان تتصرف بها تفقد التوزان وتفقد السيطرة وتفقد عقلك الذي ينفعك في رد الهجوم والايقاع بمن استفزك. من يحاول اغضابك اقلب عليه لعبته
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه: أن رجلًا قال للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: أوصني، قال: ((لا تغضب))، فردد مرارًا، قال: ((لا تغضب))
لا تغضب وحدهم الاطفال من يغضبون ويبدؤون بالصراخ والتكسير وقد تتخذ في لحظة غضبك قرارا تندم عليه فيما بعد عند مرور موجة الغضب. لكن اغضب بادب كن انت القائد المتحكم انت الانسان العاقل من تدير مشاعرك وعبر عن غضبك بهدوء وادب عبر عن ما يزعجك لا تكتم الكتمان مضر بصحتك. يعني الخلاصة لا تكتم في نفسك حتى تمرض ولا تعتدي على عباد الله وانت غاضب لكن عبر عن غضبك بطريقة حضارية. وفي الغالب اللطفاء هم من ينفجرون منذ البداية لا تراكم المشاعر حتى تصل الى مرحلة يصعب عليك التحكم فيها واذا كنت من النوع العصبي اعرف انه ليس من حقك ايذاء احد ولا احد مضطر لتحملك
اذا كتمت غضبك ولم تنفس عنه تراكم تراكم تراكم ويبدا يظهر ذلك الغضب الذي كتمته في جسدك المعدة القولون السكر الضغط... وكل الامراض السيكوسوماتية. لا تشحن في جسمك الطاقة السلبية لا تاكل نفسك. استخدم عقلك ما الذي اغضبك لماذا اغضبك لماذا غضبت كيف تتصرف
الغضب شعور في حد ذاته ليس سيء انه يقول لك ان هناك شيء خاطئ تم الاعتداء على حقوقك تصرف. رد الفعل هو الذي قد يكون صائبا او خاطئا اما في لحظة غضب تؤذي الاخرين او تكتم غضبك فتمرض عليك ان تهدا اولا ثم تقوم برد الفعل المناسب ولكي تهدا تكلم مع صديقك المقرب عن ما اغضبك. لا تاخذ الامور بشكل شخصي ضع نفسك مكان الاخر وافهم لماذا تصرف معك بطريقة اغضبتك ثم تصرف. ولا تراكم ابدا لكي لا تنفجر لانك في بعض الاحيان لست غاضبا بسبب تصرف الاخر لكن بسبب التراكمات العديدة وكان ذلك الشخص مجرد النقطة التي افاضت الكاس او بسبب الم او معاناة في مرحلة الطفولة
ان الذي لا يغضب امعة ضعيف الشخصية بدون كرامة ومن لا يغضب للحق فهو ذليل. في لحظة غضب عندما يفور الدم وترتعد الفرائس في حالة الافتراس وتمتلئ العروق بالدماء ويحضر الشيطان استعذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم واصرف طاقة الغضب في الكتابة او في ان تحكي لاقرب صديق عن ما اغضبك واذا كنت قائما اجلس
وحاول ان تتفهم الاخر لكي تقوم برد الفعل المناسب بعد هدوء غضبك
لا تكن لينا فتعصر ولا تكن قاسيا فتكسر. ليس هناك انا او الاخر هناك انا والاخر وانت تراعي مشاعر الاخرين لا تنسى حق نفسك عليك. الغضب شعور انساني طبيعي يحدث عندما تشعر بانه تم التعدي على حقوقك. هناك نوعين من الاشخاص الشخص المنسحب اللطيف الذي يصمت ويكتم غضبه وهو يضر نفسه بذلك لان التراكمات التي تحصل بداخله ستؤدي به في يوم ما الى الانفجار او سيتحول الغضب الى مرض (نوبة ربو سكتة دماغية...). وهناك الشخص الاناني الذي يعبر عن غضبه ويقوم بايذاء الاخرين ويجعل الامور اكثر سوءا. الكتاب سيساعدك على التعامل مع غضبك وبالرغم من انه موجه الى النساء لكنه مفيد لكل شخص
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه: أن رجلًا قال للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: أوصني، قال: ((لا تغضب))، فردد مرارًا، قال: ((لا تغضب))
لا تغضب وحدهم الاطفال من يغضبون ويبدؤون بالصراخ والتكسير وقد تتخذ في لحظة غضبك قرارا تندم عليه فيما بعد عند مرور موجة الغضب. لكن اغضب بادب كن انت القائد المتحكم انت الانسان العاقل من تدير مشاعرك وعبر عن غضبك بهدوء وادب عبر عن ما يزعجك لا تكتم الكتمان مضر بصحتك. يعني الخلاصة لا تكتم في نفسك حتى تمرض ولا تعتدي على عباد الله وانت غاضب لكن عبر عن غضبك بطريقة حضارية. وفي الغالب اللطفاء هم من ينفجرون منذ البداية لا تراكم المشاعر حتى تصل الى مرحلة يصعب عليك التحكم فيها واذا كنت من النوع العصبي اعرف انه ليس من حقك ايذاء احد ولا احد مضطر لتحملك
اذا كتمت غضبك ولم تنفس عنه تراكم تراكم تراكم ويبدا يظهر ذلك الغضب الذي كتمته في جسدك المعدة القولون السكر الضغط... وكل الامراض السيكوسوماتية. لا تشحن في جسمك الطاقة السلبية لا تاكل نفسك. استخدم عقلك ما الذي اغضبك لماذا اغضبك لماذا غضبت كيف تتصرف
الغضب شعور في حد ذاته ليس سيء انه يقول لك ان هناك شيء خاطئ تم الاعتداء على حقوقك تصرف. رد الفعل هو الذي قد يكون صائبا او خاطئا اما في لحظة غضب تؤذي الاخرين او تكتم غضبك فتمرض عليك ان تهدا اولا ثم تقوم برد الفعل المناسب ولكي تهدا تكلم مع صديقك المقرب عن ما اغضبك. لا تاخذ الامور بشكل شخصي ضع نفسك مكان الاخر وافهم لماذا تصرف معك بطريقة اغضبتك ثم تصرف. ولا تراكم ابدا لكي لا تنفجر لانك في بعض الاحيان لست غاضبا بسبب تصرف الاخر لكن بسبب التراكمات العديدة وكان ذلك الشخص مجرد النقطة التي افاضت الكاس او بسبب الم او معاناة في مرحلة الطفولة
ان الذي لا يغضب امعة ضعيف الشخصية بدون كرامة ومن لا يغضب للحق فهو ذليل. في لحظة غضب عندما يفور الدم وترتعد الفرائس في حالة الافتراس وتمتلئ العروق بالدماء ويحضر الشيطان استعذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم واصرف طاقة الغضب في الكتابة او في ان تحكي لاقرب صديق عن ما اغضبك واذا كنت قائما اجلس
وحاول ان تتفهم الاخر لكي تقوم برد الفعل المناسب بعد هدوء غضبك
لا تكن لينا فتعصر ولا تكن قاسيا فتكسر. ليس هناك انا او الاخر هناك انا والاخر وانت تراعي مشاعر الاخرين لا تنسى حق نفسك عليك. الغضب شعور انساني طبيعي يحدث عندما تشعر بانه تم التعدي على حقوقك. هناك نوعين من الاشخاص الشخص المنسحب اللطيف الذي يصمت ويكتم غضبه وهو يضر نفسه بذلك لان التراكمات التي تحصل بداخله ستؤدي به في يوم ما الى الانفجار او سيتحول الغضب الى مرض (نوبة ربو سكتة دماغية...). وهناك الشخص الاناني الذي يعبر عن غضبه ويقوم بايذاء الاخرين ويجعل الامور اكثر سوءا. الكتاب سيساعدك على التعامل مع غضبك وبالرغم من انه موجه الى النساء لكنه مفيد لكل شخص
August 16, 2018
This book was recommended to me by a therapist who supervises our group of counsellors. He told us that this book is incredibly helpful not only to his clients but also to mental health professionals who want to gain a better understanding of relationship problems and how to deal with them. I was intrigued and decided to remember the title, so I could read the book and find some useful information on how to counsel people with relationship and anger issues. For some reason I really didn't think this book would be a truly useful read for myself. I have no idea why I was deceiving myself in such a way, because I found some really great explanations, quotes, thoughts and examples that are relatable, easy to understand and very necessary to analyze and remember. I started noticing some patterns in my own behaviour and in that of my closest ones, and the relationships we have. Anger truly is one of the most complex emotions to understand, and expressing it in a healthy way is an even bigger challenge. I hope I will be able to break some patterns and habits, for my own sake as well as for others'. Luckily my self-monitoring skills are getting better by the day, so I'm very optimistic.
I do have to say that one of the examples in the book didn't sit well with me at all. I even felt a bit of anger while reading it. The case I'm talking about is the one where the father of the family has a lot of fights with his son, whereas the mother tends to be the one protecting the son - creating a triangle where nothing gets solved and the problems persist. The solution the author offers is basically this: the mother has to trust her husband, distance herself from the fights between father and son, not criticize the father's raising methods and thus break the habit of being in a relationship triangle. The problem is - after mother has done that, the father starts punishing his child by beating him with a belt. The author, however, doesn't seem to see this as a problem - she even says that as long as there is no violence, the mother can stay away. So how is using a belt to beat your child as a form of punishment not considered violence? I was truly appalled by this example. I really don't think it fits well with the concept of the book or any of the other examples - everyone else is equal to each other, they're adults and there is really no need for relationship triangles and a third person having a say in a relationship between two equal adults who can make decision for themselves, even if the decision is to leave the relationship. Here, however, we have a 8-year-old child, who by no means is an equal to his father, nor does he have a clear understanding of what is normal in a relationship with an adult. The parents are setting an example for him, and if the example is that one of the parents distances themselves from problematic situations, whereas the other uses his dominant position as a means of asserting his power even more, punishing the child and treating in an unacceptable way, it is a very fucking bad example. Yes, the relationship between the father and the son is personal and they have to communicate, but I think that removing the mother from the equation is a very wrong step at this point. The fights can get even bigger, because the father might feel that he has gained absolute power and nobody will stop him from doing whatever he wants, especially his son who is fuckin 8 YEARS OLD. This is not an equal relationship where two parties will solve their problems on their own. The parents have to communicate, the mother has the right to express her opinion on the other parent's punishment methods, and the child should not be left alone like that. In the future, the child will resent his mother for not speaking up and "leaving the father and the son to figure their relationship out on their own". Let them figure it out when BOTH of them are able to do that, when BOTH are able to express their true opinions and know what their boundaries are. The child might not yet be aware of all of this at such a young age. They need adults' protection and support. This example was so wrong to me on so many levels that my opinion of the book was really under attack at that point.
Overall, I still really recommend reading it, but please remember that children are not on the same level as adults and should not be left alone - they still need the support and the advice of adults.
I do have to say that one of the examples in the book didn't sit well with me at all. I even felt a bit of anger while reading it. The case I'm talking about is the one where the father of the family has a lot of fights with his son, whereas the mother tends to be the one protecting the son - creating a triangle where nothing gets solved and the problems persist. The solution the author offers is basically this: the mother has to trust her husband, distance herself from the fights between father and son, not criticize the father's raising methods and thus break the habit of being in a relationship triangle. The problem is - after mother has done that, the father starts punishing his child by beating him with a belt. The author, however, doesn't seem to see this as a problem - she even says that as long as there is no violence, the mother can stay away. So how is using a belt to beat your child as a form of punishment not considered violence? I was truly appalled by this example. I really don't think it fits well with the concept of the book or any of the other examples - everyone else is equal to each other, they're adults and there is really no need for relationship triangles and a third person having a say in a relationship between two equal adults who can make decision for themselves, even if the decision is to leave the relationship. Here, however, we have a 8-year-old child, who by no means is an equal to his father, nor does he have a clear understanding of what is normal in a relationship with an adult. The parents are setting an example for him, and if the example is that one of the parents distances themselves from problematic situations, whereas the other uses his dominant position as a means of asserting his power even more, punishing the child and treating in an unacceptable way, it is a very fucking bad example. Yes, the relationship between the father and the son is personal and they have to communicate, but I think that removing the mother from the equation is a very wrong step at this point. The fights can get even bigger, because the father might feel that he has gained absolute power and nobody will stop him from doing whatever he wants, especially his son who is fuckin 8 YEARS OLD. This is not an equal relationship where two parties will solve their problems on their own. The parents have to communicate, the mother has the right to express her opinion on the other parent's punishment methods, and the child should not be left alone like that. In the future, the child will resent his mother for not speaking up and "leaving the father and the son to figure their relationship out on their own". Let them figure it out when BOTH of them are able to do that, when BOTH are able to express their true opinions and know what their boundaries are. The child might not yet be aware of all of this at such a young age. They need adults' protection and support. This example was so wrong to me on so many levels that my opinion of the book was really under attack at that point.
Overall, I still really recommend reading it, but please remember that children are not on the same level as adults and should not be left alone - they still need the support and the advice of adults.
December 11, 2025
In my opinion Lerner has learned a ton about humans and relationships since she wrote this book. I consider this one to somewhat simplistic, formulaic and ultimately apt to result in you still playing a power-game with the other party instead of breaking out of that destructive pattern and shifting the relationship into mutuality, open communication and understanding. I think her more recent book is far more helpful: The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
In this book she seems to me to pretty much stuck in simplistic formulaic views of human interactions such as "triangles are always bad no matter what" or "you are responsible for your feelings no matter what the other party is doing or what their intent seems to be". I don't think this is very helpful.
In this book she seems to me to pretty much stuck in simplistic formulaic views of human interactions such as "triangles are always bad no matter what" or "you are responsible for your feelings no matter what the other party is doing or what their intent seems to be". I don't think this is very helpful.
March 28, 2022
I’m seeing some helpful patterns for navigating conflict but also 🥴 why is the emotional labor always on women. I get that we can’t change other people but also this feels a little victim blamey and perpetuating the idea that we need to continue to tone police ourselves… 🤷🏻♀️
June 7, 2010
when Kevin saw this on the table, he said "oh, you're learning the polka?"
May 27, 2008
Wow. This was a really great book, one which I appreciated on both a personal and a professional level. Written in a deceptively simple self-help/pop psych style, this book had the advantages of being highly readable, practical, and almost entertaining, appealing to a lay audience. At the same time, this book was based on solid Bowen theory and was far from superficial or facile.
This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been helping me function more effectively as a therapist. It has also been eye-opening for me in giving me a new way to look at many of the different relationships within my own family.
One minor difficulty I have with the book is that its thesis could potentially justify a lot of selfish behavior. The basic premise of the book (which I am greatly oversimplifying for the purposes of this review) is that people need to accept responsibility for their own behavior and reactions within a relationship, and work on changing those things rather than on changing the other person. Sounds good, right? But a corollary to that is not allowing someone with expectations of you to make you feel guilty, because their expectations are THEIR problem, not yours -- an attitude which might be taken too far.
Although Lerner attempted to provide a balanced view, I felt that her feminist agenda caused her to err on the side of empowering women to put their own needs first. For example, she described the case of a woman with a needy, demanding 72-year-old father. As a therapist, she helped this woman shift from complaining about her father's behavior to evaluating her own -- how could she set new limits with her father which would allow her to give to him without feeling resentful?
Happily, Katy's decision was one which I actually felt was reasonable -- she told her father she could only meet him for dinner twice a week instead of three times a week, and that she could shop for him once a week but not on an on-call basis. I liked the balance in this particular example; Katy didn't abdicate her responsibilities as a daughter; she simply found a way to continue giving that she could live with better. However, I felt that the idea of setting limits in a relationship was emphasized far more than the aspect of finding limits that allow you to continue giving.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand relationships better, and their own functioning in relationships. It's a quick, easy read but not a superficial one and great for discussion.
This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been helping me function more effectively as a therapist. It has also been eye-opening for me in giving me a new way to look at many of the different relationships within my own family.
One minor difficulty I have with the book is that its thesis could potentially justify a lot of selfish behavior. The basic premise of the book (which I am greatly oversimplifying for the purposes of this review) is that people need to accept responsibility for their own behavior and reactions within a relationship, and work on changing those things rather than on changing the other person. Sounds good, right? But a corollary to that is not allowing someone with expectations of you to make you feel guilty, because their expectations are THEIR problem, not yours -- an attitude which might be taken too far.
Although Lerner attempted to provide a balanced view, I felt that her feminist agenda caused her to err on the side of empowering women to put their own needs first. For example, she described the case of a woman with a needy, demanding 72-year-old father. As a therapist, she helped this woman shift from complaining about her father's behavior to evaluating her own -- how could she set new limits with her father which would allow her to give to him without feeling resentful?
Happily, Katy's decision was one which I actually felt was reasonable -- she told her father she could only meet him for dinner twice a week instead of three times a week, and that she could shop for him once a week but not on an on-call basis. I liked the balance in this particular example; Katy didn't abdicate her responsibilities as a daughter; she simply found a way to continue giving that she could live with better. However, I felt that the idea of setting limits in a relationship was emphasized far more than the aspect of finding limits that allow you to continue giving.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand relationships better, and their own functioning in relationships. It's a quick, easy read but not a superficial one and great for discussion.
August 9, 2011
Helpful book. Guys may be turned off due to the subtitle: "A Woman's Guide...", but Lerner's principles aptly apply to men too. Also, anger may be the topic, but a healthier relationship is the goal. She helps break down how anger, instead of causing endless cycles of frustration, can be used as a tool to deepen our relationships with loved ones and to better understand our true selves.
Some stuff Lerner discusses: misconceptions of anger (ch 1); marital discord and breaking the cycle (ch 3; also reminds me of Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs); asserting yourself; taking responsibility in relationships (ch 7); communication skills; developing your identity; relational triangles (ch 8).
Some stuff Lerner discusses: misconceptions of anger (ch 1); marital discord and breaking the cycle (ch 3; also reminds me of Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs); asserting yourself; taking responsibility in relationships (ch 7); communication skills; developing your identity; relational triangles (ch 8).
October 31, 2021
Extremely dated and heteronormative. Really disappointing and frustrating read. I couldn’t get more than a couple of chapters in. There’s some good messaging, but the scenarios talking about “his woman” and “her man” and using words like hysterical to describe woman… big nope from me.
August 16, 2021
This book has been quoted to me for many years and my boss recently recommended it.
It is one of the first self help books on the topic and it took years of rejection for Harriet Lerner to get it published. While it is targeted to women, it applies to everyone.
I liked the opportunity to use anger to define self and I appreciated the context of societal roles by gender even though I tend to be more "masculine" in my expression of anger.
The best part about the book is the simple how-to examples of how every relationship is a dance and the only way to change the dance is to change YOUR steps. The advice to prepare for Change Back reactions was very helpful and I loved how it was all about speaking in "I" terms and being realistic about the fact that you can change YOU but changing other people is an exercise in futility.
For those with a short attention span, you will be happy to hear that the book can be read in one day.
Many self help books are downers but this was light enough that it felt realistic to implement some of the changes. Unlike Oprah's challenge to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. This felt like something I could accomplish. If you often feel overwhelmed by the maintenance of relationships, this book may help you set boundaries.
My favorite passage from the book is this, "If we do not know about our family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members , and how we might best proceed in our own life."
It is one of the first self help books on the topic and it took years of rejection for Harriet Lerner to get it published. While it is targeted to women, it applies to everyone.
I liked the opportunity to use anger to define self and I appreciated the context of societal roles by gender even though I tend to be more "masculine" in my expression of anger.
The best part about the book is the simple how-to examples of how every relationship is a dance and the only way to change the dance is to change YOUR steps. The advice to prepare for Change Back reactions was very helpful and I loved how it was all about speaking in "I" terms and being realistic about the fact that you can change YOU but changing other people is an exercise in futility.
For those with a short attention span, you will be happy to hear that the book can be read in one day.
Many self help books are downers but this was light enough that it felt realistic to implement some of the changes. Unlike Oprah's challenge to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. This felt like something I could accomplish. If you often feel overwhelmed by the maintenance of relationships, this book may help you set boundaries.
My favorite passage from the book is this, "If we do not know about our family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members , and how we might best proceed in our own life."
December 15, 2017
I think this is a decent relationship book, but I don't know why she typecasts women so strictly. I think the lessons are equally applicable to both genders. The most helpful nuggets in there for me had nothing to do with my tendencies as a woman, but as a human, to repeat certain roles in certain relationships. She has some really helpful advice about how to break out of the same "dances" in relationships.
February 8, 2022
I thought it was a useful self help book that is leaning towards feminism but I've got something I did not wish to read at all. Borderline victim shaming and teaching how to live life with controlling husband. These kind of views of pleasing men put women at risk to make peace with abusive partners.
To be fair I stopped reading after the first little story so it might have gotten better but based on some of the previous reviews, unlikely...
To be fair I stopped reading after the first little story so it might have gotten better but based on some of the previous reviews, unlikely...
June 13, 2021
Memorable quote:
"It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about." -Harriet Lerner
"It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about." -Harriet Lerner
April 23, 2023
The good: it tries to focus on relational boundaries and communication. Obviously two very vital skills to address. Lerner also briefly describes anger as a rally for change and innately uncomfortable. She also suggests generally avoiding triangulation. Reasonable jumping off points.
The bad: while Lerner initially approaches anger as an internal call for change, she very quickly pivots into it being solely an internal issue with unfair projections onto others. While people may unfairly project onto others, that isn’t an anger thing, that’s a poor logic and conflict skills thing in any emotional state. Also, humans are both individuals and social creatures. When both of those are not held, a theory ignores the ways abuse, manipulation, etc. exists and are carried out. Unrighteousness or immature anger is not the same as righteous or justified anger, yet she treats all anger as a monolith.
The ugly: fails horribly to address WHY the anger is there to begin with, and HOW to deal with anger in relationship with equality. At one point she even advocates for going for a walk when someone is going to angrily beat a kid and you feel upset/angry about it. Her walkthroughs and scenarios are largely unrealistic in terms of how they play out, someone who has been hurtful is never held to a standard of accountability, and success of relationships becomes internalized as being a direct result of how well you edit your anger for other’s comfort. So yes, relational boundaries and communication are key in conflict management; however, the path of her reasonings and examples lands in the realm of enabling abuse, scapegoating, and encourages the codependent mindset of fixing toxic people around you when your anger very well could be a call to get far away from someone.
The bad: while Lerner initially approaches anger as an internal call for change, she very quickly pivots into it being solely an internal issue with unfair projections onto others. While people may unfairly project onto others, that isn’t an anger thing, that’s a poor logic and conflict skills thing in any emotional state. Also, humans are both individuals and social creatures. When both of those are not held, a theory ignores the ways abuse, manipulation, etc. exists and are carried out. Unrighteousness or immature anger is not the same as righteous or justified anger, yet she treats all anger as a monolith.
The ugly: fails horribly to address WHY the anger is there to begin with, and HOW to deal with anger in relationship with equality. At one point she even advocates for going for a walk when someone is going to angrily beat a kid and you feel upset/angry about it. Her walkthroughs and scenarios are largely unrealistic in terms of how they play out, someone who has been hurtful is never held to a standard of accountability, and success of relationships becomes internalized as being a direct result of how well you edit your anger for other’s comfort. So yes, relational boundaries and communication are key in conflict management; however, the path of her reasonings and examples lands in the realm of enabling abuse, scapegoating, and encourages the codependent mindset of fixing toxic people around you when your anger very well could be a call to get far away from someone.
August 28, 2023
Skaičiau trečia kartą, kaip "Kalba mamos" bendruomenės knygų klubo mėnesio knygą. Ir taip sutapo, kad tuo metu nusprendžiau šią knygą pasiimti iš lentynos, nes tema tapo itin aktuali kasdieniame gyvenime. Prabėgus keliems metams patiriu ją kitu kampu, atrandu iš naujo prasmę aptariamose temose. Jau nebe kaip pyktį slopinantis, bet kaip pernelyg irzlus asmuo. Naudinga bet kuriuo atveju. Manau, verta tapti ta knyga, kuri bus po ranka, atverčiama prisiminti, kas svarbu.
Skaičiau šią knygą antrą kartą ir kitomis akimis bei su kita patirtimi į ją žiūrėjau. Vertinga knyga. Viena iš tų, kurias verta vis atsiversti ir paskaityti, nes ji reikalauja darbo su savimi.
Skaičiau šią knygą antrą kartą ir kitomis akimis bei su kita patirtimi į ją žiūrėjau. Vertinga knyga. Viena iš tų, kurias verta vis atsiversti ir paskaityti, nes ji reikalauja darbo su savimi.
February 13, 2025
Knyga kurią perskaityti duočiau turbūt kiekvienam mane supančiam žmogui. Nors būtent ši knyga labiau orientuota į moteris, vyrai, skaitykit ir jūs! Suvokiau tai, kad praktiškai visi mes nemokam komunikuoti ir išsakyti savo pozicijos taip, kad nekiltų konfliktų. Taip aiškiai dabar viskas susidėliojo į savo lentynėles ir atrodo, kad tikrai pasaulyje būtų mažiau pykčio, jeigu tik išmoktume tinkamai kalbėtis. Ir eilinį kartą iškilo klausimas, kodėl tokios knygos nėra privalomos mokykloje? Pateikti realūs pavyzdžiai kaip reaguoti į tam tikras situacijas. Stipriai akcentuojama, kad kiekvienas mes esame atsakingas už tai kaip priimame kitų žodžius ar veiksmus, o ir pyktis yra tik dar viena emocija, kurią privalome išjausti.
March 24, 2021
Nežinau ar man jos labai reikėjo šiuo metu, ar pagaliau buvo gera į rankas paimti normalią self-help knygą, bet tikrai teigiami atsiliepimai ir naudingas turinys. Tikrai nepakenks perskaityti nei vienai moteriai, siekiančiai išnarplioti keblius santykius su vadovu, šeima, draugais ar partneriu.
October 2, 2021
Visada širdis džiaugiausi tarp pop psichologijos šlamšto radus išmintingą, sklandžią ir puikių įžvalgų kupiną knygą! Viena geriausių self help knygų, kurią esu skaičius.
May 4, 2025
Harriet Lerner - ne tik rašytoja, bet ir viena žymiausių JAV psichologių. Temos, į kurias gilinasi ir analizuoja: šeimos santykiai, emocijų valdymas bei moterų psichologinės patirtys. Autorė turi stiprų autoritetą tiek kaip mokslininkė tiek kaip terapeutė. Jos balsas ypač nuskambėjo ir tapo vizitine kortele, kai pradėjo analizuoti moterų pykčio temą tiek individualiame tiek visuomenės kontekste.
Kaip ši audio knyga atsidūrė mano radare klausite. Gavau rekomendaciją iš vieno man svarbaus žmogaus. Niekad nemaniau, kad turiu pykčio problemų, bet kažkokia vidinė nuojauta sakė paskaityti/paklausyti ir džiaugiuosi, kad tai padariau. Ne tik džiaugiuosi, bet dabar einu ir visoms rekomenduoju. Čia yra tai, ką būtina žinoti kiekvienai moteriai ir kas iš esmės pakeis jų gyvenimus. Esminė žinutė yra ta, kad pyktis mums siunčia signalą ir tik nuo mūsų priklauso ką su tuo signalu darysime: karts nuo karto prasproginėsime didžiule emocine iškrova, viską užgniaušime savyje ar įdarbinsime savo naudai. Aišku, tik pykčiu čia neapsiribosime. Darysime išsamų savo intymių santykių skrodimą ir stebėsime kokias schemas naudojame, kurios iš jų mums netarnauja ir, jei patikėsite autore, gal ir pakeisite savo gyvenimą į šviesesnį.
Aš, kaip jau galėjote suprasti, klausiau knygos audio versijos. Tikrai susiklausė lengvai, nereikėjo atsukinėti ir perklausinėti vis iš naujo. Tikriausiai taip yra dėl labai aiškios ir išlaikytos struktūros. Autorė lieka potemių rėmuose ir per aiškius pavyzdžius dekonstruoja situacijas poroje, biologinėje šeimoje bei darbe. Pateikiamos situacijos gana šabloniškos, bet, tikiu, kad labai pažįstamos. Būkite pasiruošusios jose atpažinti save. Na, o pabaigoje, autorė nesibodi pateikti labai aiškių instrukcijų ir praktinių patarimų kaip galime pakeisti savo santykius.
Lerner rašymo stilius aiškus, įtaigus ir empatiškas. Ko jau ko bet moralizavimo negaliu pakęsti, o jo čia nėra. Autorė pamažu atveria nagrinėjamos temos problematiką ir padeda susivokti. Nors temos sudėtingos ir, kaip dažniausiai būna, esame linkę pageidauti pokyčio iš kitų, deja deja - pokytis prasideda nuo savęs.
Čia nėra tik teoriniai pasvaičiojimai. Taip, temos nagrinėjamos per konkrečius pavyzdžius, bet pateikiami labai aiškūs ir informatyvūs būdai kaip sulaužyti nusistovėjusias elgesio normas ir ištrūkti iš užsitęsusių bei nusistovėjusių elgesio modelių. Patarimų gaus tiek linkusios dramatizuoti ir išsprogti, tiek tos, kurios nori būti gerutės ir visas sunkias emocijas nuryja bei laiko savyje.
Skaityti šią knygą - tai lyg terapinė sesija, kai kaskart kažką išsinešame pareflektuoti, pasinešioti savo mintyse, pagalvoti kaip pritaikyti. Čia nėra tik sausas informacijos srautas. Ši knyga jus išjudins, privers savim suabejoti, permąstyti savo santykius. Tai bus puiki proga padaryti savo šeimos, poros ir santykio su savimi inventorizaciją.
Labai nustebino mane ši knyga. Tikiu, kad dar daug kartų ją rekomenduosiu savo moterų ratui, nes ją perskaityti privalo kiekviena, kuri bent kartą tylėjo, kai vidus rėkė nuo emocijų uragano, nusileido, kai norėjo kovoti ar šypsojosi, nors viduje ašaros ir pyktis tiesiog smaugė. Paskaitykit, susipažinkit su savimi ir savo aplinka iš naujo.
📕 Susitikime IG: https://www.instagram.com/dar.viena.p...
📕 Susitikime Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/dar.viena.puslapi
Kaip ši audio knyga atsidūrė mano radare klausite. Gavau rekomendaciją iš vieno man svarbaus žmogaus. Niekad nemaniau, kad turiu pykčio problemų, bet kažkokia vidinė nuojauta sakė paskaityti/paklausyti ir džiaugiuosi, kad tai padariau. Ne tik džiaugiuosi, bet dabar einu ir visoms rekomenduoju. Čia yra tai, ką būtina žinoti kiekvienai moteriai ir kas iš esmės pakeis jų gyvenimus. Esminė žinutė yra ta, kad pyktis mums siunčia signalą ir tik nuo mūsų priklauso ką su tuo signalu darysime: karts nuo karto prasproginėsime didžiule emocine iškrova, viską užgniaušime savyje ar įdarbinsime savo naudai. Aišku, tik pykčiu čia neapsiribosime. Darysime išsamų savo intymių santykių skrodimą ir stebėsime kokias schemas naudojame, kurios iš jų mums netarnauja ir, jei patikėsite autore, gal ir pakeisite savo gyvenimą į šviesesnį.
Aš, kaip jau galėjote suprasti, klausiau knygos audio versijos. Tikrai susiklausė lengvai, nereikėjo atsukinėti ir perklausinėti vis iš naujo. Tikriausiai taip yra dėl labai aiškios ir išlaikytos struktūros. Autorė lieka potemių rėmuose ir per aiškius pavyzdžius dekonstruoja situacijas poroje, biologinėje šeimoje bei darbe. Pateikiamos situacijos gana šabloniškos, bet, tikiu, kad labai pažįstamos. Būkite pasiruošusios jose atpažinti save. Na, o pabaigoje, autorė nesibodi pateikti labai aiškių instrukcijų ir praktinių patarimų kaip galime pakeisti savo santykius.
Lerner rašymo stilius aiškus, įtaigus ir empatiškas. Ko jau ko bet moralizavimo negaliu pakęsti, o jo čia nėra. Autorė pamažu atveria nagrinėjamos temos problematiką ir padeda susivokti. Nors temos sudėtingos ir, kaip dažniausiai būna, esame linkę pageidauti pokyčio iš kitų, deja deja - pokytis prasideda nuo savęs.
Čia nėra tik teoriniai pasvaičiojimai. Taip, temos nagrinėjamos per konkrečius pavyzdžius, bet pateikiami labai aiškūs ir informatyvūs būdai kaip sulaužyti nusistovėjusias elgesio normas ir ištrūkti iš užsitęsusių bei nusistovėjusių elgesio modelių. Patarimų gaus tiek linkusios dramatizuoti ir išsprogti, tiek tos, kurios nori būti gerutės ir visas sunkias emocijas nuryja bei laiko savyje.
Skaityti šią knygą - tai lyg terapinė sesija, kai kaskart kažką išsinešame pareflektuoti, pasinešioti savo mintyse, pagalvoti kaip pritaikyti. Čia nėra tik sausas informacijos srautas. Ši knyga jus išjudins, privers savim suabejoti, permąstyti savo santykius. Tai bus puiki proga padaryti savo šeimos, poros ir santykio su savimi inventorizaciją.
Labai nustebino mane ši knyga. Tikiu, kad dar daug kartų ją rekomenduosiu savo moterų ratui, nes ją perskaityti privalo kiekviena, kuri bent kartą tylėjo, kai vidus rėkė nuo emocijų uragano, nusileido, kai norėjo kovoti ar šypsojosi, nors viduje ašaros ir pyktis tiesiog smaugė. Paskaitykit, susipažinkit su savimi ir savo aplinka iš naujo.
📕 Susitikime IG: https://www.instagram.com/dar.viena.p...
📕 Susitikime Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/dar.viena.puslapi
March 10, 2021
Am terminat de citit cartea și în continuare mă deranjează subtitlul acestei cărți, el nu e prea potrivit, din punctul meu de vedere, cu ceea ce am citit eu dincolo de coperțile acestei cărți.
Da, autoarea e o feministă convinsă, dar în carte abordează furia în cadrul relațiilor familiale. Deci, tot ce scrie ea acolo se adresează și bărbaților, tuturor, de fapt. Furia este un sentiment care trebuiește luat în seamă, e o emoție firească precum toate celelalte. Nu trebuie neglijată, dimpotrivă, e nevoie să ieșim dintr-un cerc vicios care ne încurcă să trăim echilibrat și detașați de emoțiile distructive.
Cartea e foarte bine scrisă și autoarea dă multe exemple clare unde furia este analizată în detaliu și cum ar trebui oamenii să abordeze această emoție și cum să avem răbdare să ieșim dintr-un tipar care nu ne avantajează sinele și relațiile cu cei din jurul nostru.
Mi-a plăcut cartea.
Da, autoarea e o feministă convinsă, dar în carte abordează furia în cadrul relațiilor familiale. Deci, tot ce scrie ea acolo se adresează și bărbaților, tuturor, de fapt. Furia este un sentiment care trebuiește luat în seamă, e o emoție firească precum toate celelalte. Nu trebuie neglijată, dimpotrivă, e nevoie să ieșim dintr-un cerc vicios care ne încurcă să trăim echilibrat și detașați de emoțiile distructive.
Cartea e foarte bine scrisă și autoarea dă multe exemple clare unde furia este analizată în detaliu și cum ar trebui oamenii să abordeze această emoție și cum să avem răbdare să ieșim dintr-un tipar care nu ne avantajează sinele și relațiile cu cei din jurul nostru.
Mi-a plăcut cartea.
October 21, 2021
Kadınlar için yazılmış bir kitap olsa da benim de yararlandığım, daha sonra dönüp bakabileceğimi düşündüğüm kısımlar vardı. Kimi bölümlerse bana gerçekçi gelmedi (Örneğin soyağacı ile ilgili olan kısımlar).
Okunması kolay denebilecek, öfke ve ilişkilerle ilgili kimi önemli başlıklar barındıran ama çok da kapsamlı olmayan bir kitap. Konular vakalar üzerinden işleniyor ve vakalardaki durumlar çoğu kez basit kurallarla açıklanıyor. Bu basitlik için iyi ya da kötü diyemem, uygulamada görmek lazım.
Not: Bir vakada ağlayınca bebeğinin kucağa alınıp sakinleştirilmemesi, kendi odasında beşiğinde durmaya devam etmesi gerektiğini psikoloji kitaplarından öğrenen ve bu nedenle aksini savunan kendi annesiyle kavga eden birinden bahsediliyordu. Yazarın genç annenin yaptığını onaylar gibi bir tutumu vardı. Büyük ihtimalle yazar, bir dönem popüler olan ancak günümüzde yerden yere vurulan bebek yetiştirme yöntemlerinin etkisindeydi kitabı yazarken.
Okunması kolay denebilecek, öfke ve ilişkilerle ilgili kimi önemli başlıklar barındıran ama çok da kapsamlı olmayan bir kitap. Konular vakalar üzerinden işleniyor ve vakalardaki durumlar çoğu kez basit kurallarla açıklanıyor. Bu basitlik için iyi ya da kötü diyemem, uygulamada görmek lazım.
Not: Bir vakada ağlayınca bebeğinin kucağa alınıp sakinleştirilmemesi, kendi odasında beşiğinde durmaya devam etmesi gerektiğini psikoloji kitaplarından öğrenen ve bu nedenle aksini savunan kendi annesiyle kavga eden birinden bahsediliyordu. Yazarın genç annenin yaptığını onaylar gibi bir tutumu vardı. Büyük ihtimalle yazar, bir dönem popüler olan ancak günümüzde yerden yere vurulan bebek yetiştirme yöntemlerinin etkisindeydi kitabı yazarken.
April 26, 2009
constantly re-reading this one since 2004.
seriously. this is a great book to keep on your bookshelves amongst literary fiction and a few aesthetically pleasing picture books...it really makes people do a double-take. ...even though they'd never admit it.
I actually love how awfully self-help this book looks.
If you get in fights with your mother--or your partner--or strangers (and maybe sometimes the fights stay in your head)...this is the book for you.
If I were a dancer I'd totally choreograph The Dance of Anger. and showcase it in some wretched performance-art loft-space. because that would be hilarious.
Just thinking of that makes me think maybe I'll start working on dance, and making friends who squat in abandoned lofts. ...just to make that possible.
seriously. this is a great book to keep on your bookshelves amongst literary fiction and a few aesthetically pleasing picture books...it really makes people do a double-take. ...even though they'd never admit it.
I actually love how awfully self-help this book looks.
If you get in fights with your mother--or your partner--or strangers (and maybe sometimes the fights stay in your head)...this is the book for you.
If I were a dancer I'd totally choreograph The Dance of Anger. and showcase it in some wretched performance-art loft-space. because that would be hilarious.
Just thinking of that makes me think maybe I'll start working on dance, and making friends who squat in abandoned lofts. ...just to make that possible.
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