Take Your Life Back: How to Stop Letting the Past and Other People Control You

by Stephen F. Arterburn, David Stoop

“I want to have better relationships . . . but is it all on me to fix things?”
“This person’s approval means everything to me. It’s like it controls me.”
“Why can’t I get free from this cycle?”

If you find yourself having these feelings, it’s time to take your life back. Through personal examples, clinical insights, and spiritual truth, Stephen Arterburn and David Stoop will show you how to Your past and current circumstances don’t have to define you, and they don’t have to determine the direction of your life. Take Your Life Back is the key to moving from reactive attitudes and behaviors to healthy, God-honoring responses that will help you live the life you were meant to live.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian, Psychology, Mental Health, Personal Development, Christianity

224 pages, Paperback

Published October 4, 2016

About the author

Stephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program aired on over 180 radio stations nationwide, Sirius XM radio, and on television. Steve is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences, attended by over 4 million women, and of HisMatchforMe.com.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.

Reviews

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had a handful of negative reviews. I thought it was a great introduction for shedding light on types of abuse, attachment styles, and symptoms of unprocessed childhood/relational wounds. It wasn’t a super cohesive book in terms of providing deep healing, but I think it can help one come to terms with dysfunctional dependencies and provide some ideas for beginning a healing journey. It might be a more helpful book to read through while you are in therapy addressing emotional and relational self-growth. Along with a therapist, it can be a great resource!

[Lydia Howe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why I Choose this Book:

The book looked interesting, and I figured it would help me relate and be more understanding to other people.

What I Thought About this Book:

Part 1, which was the first 60% or so went through a lot of different problems that people have, and what could have caused those problems. It was enlightening and made sense. Since I haven't studied this type of thing a lot, a fair amount of the information was new to me, so it was interesting to learn about. Part 1 was about reacting: Why we react, how reacting looks, and the issues that come from reacting.

Part 2 was about learning how to respond instead of reacting. I enjoyed part 2 a lot more than part 1. It was great to see how they brought the Bible into the book and spotlighted the way we need to give our lives to God in order to make our lives work the way we're supposed to.

There were plenty parts in the book that I didn't fully understand, but mostly I appreciated and agreed with what I read. The book ended with a chapter of what our lives look like when we've given control to God which was very hope-filled.

Conclusion:

This book wasn't geared toward me, but I'm still glad I read it. I can see how it will help me understand people better. I recommend it to most people who have had trauma, abuse, or big issues in their past.

Rating:

I'm giving Take Your Life Back 3 stars out of 5, and 5 stars out of 10.

*I received this book free from Tyndale Publishing*

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book for people to help take their lives back when they have been hijacked by control and many other issues. It talks about dependency, codependency, shame, guilt, etc. and how to break free from those patterns. It touches on different areas of trauma and how some people that have experienced trauma feel and the behaviors they sometimes exhibit. It also explains how some people can lose themselves through dependency and other issues and how to help get them on a path to discovering their real selves. It also goes through the twelve steps to recovery that are used in various healing groups.

I loved the introduction of this book, which went kind of deep into the story of the Prodigal Son and the other son in the story which hasn't been as focused on as much in the teachings I have come across, so I had thought a little bit about it in the past but not as deep as this book brought me into it. It also helped me to understand how a father (or maybe even a congregation leader) should treat a son or daughter (or past congregant) that comes back after being gone for awhile to try to discover who they are (or aren't).

I learned what "gaslighting" means for the first time that I remember since reading this book, which is a way some people act to control a relationship to distort and define reality, to try to make reality look different than it really is (Page 103). I have been through the wringer what that type of thing before so it was a relief to me to put a word to that.

Although I respect the twelve steps to recovery and that all of them seem like they are Bible-based, I had a hard time in a twelve step group once because one of the statements we were supposed to say in the group which focused on making something other than God our higher power if we didn't believe in Him. I believe in God as my higher power but I couldn't say that statement with the other words so I asked that they skip me. I had a hard time applying the twelve steps to my learning from this book because of that experience, although I do think they are a supplement to this book.

I did also like how this book taught about responding appropriately instead of reacting. I feel like I do a good job of responding to situations I consider important most of the time, but after I hear nothing but silence for awhile after my response and nobody will help me figure out the right answers, I start reacting. The more I am like this, the more I will not have a good impact, so I'm glad this book has helped shine a light on that area that I have a hard time with sometimes.

I followed the book pretty well with it being coauthored. Sometimes when I read a book written by two authors I wonder a lot who wrote which part, which didn't bother me very much with this book. There were some parts of the book which revealed who wrote them, so that might be why I didn't wonder who wrote which parts very much.

In my opinion, the teachings in this book uncover various different unhealthy areas in relationships (and with their own lives outside of relationships) that people may have lost their lives to and will give some people the strength to get on the path to getting their lives back.

My review= 4.5 out of 5 stars

I received this book free for this review.

[Mary Lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Arterburn and Stoop’s new book Take Your Life Back provides valuable psychological insight for therapists, counselors and care-givers. The crux of their book is to help people whose lives have been controlled by abusive circumstances and people in their past. In the first half of the book the authors explain the various reactive responses such abuse leads to – in terms of attachment theory, the false self, classic and secondary dependency, the toxic power of shame and the reactive strategies people use to cope with such pain. Then in the second half of the book they provide practical steps toward the wholeness that surrender to God and the hard work of rethinking and reprogramming one’s mind make possible. They even outline a Twelve Step Life Recovery program modeled on the Twelve Steps from AA. Both men write from pain in their own dysfunctional families as well as from the journeys toward healing they have helped others take in their counseling practices. They say:
“Here are some guidelines in establishing the three components that will help you take your life back.
Ask yourself who if anyone is controlling you or attempting to control you. Identify destructive or unhelpful habits, behaviors, patterns, or addictions that control too much of your life…Become aware of your reactions to the controlling forces that are robbing you of a life that God intended for you. We cannot always change our circumstances, but we can change how we respond to our circumstances… Work with a sponsor or trusted counselor to uncover the sources of your overreactions and work to resolve those sources of pain, fear, or intense anger…Too often, we live someone else’s life because we allow ourselves to be controlled by other people, fear or shame. We must decide to do whatever is necessary to take our lives back and live for God with purpose and meaning…When you become the decider, defender, and developer of your life, you will tear down any walls that are unhealthy and you will take important steps toward taking your life back and giving to God” (Stephen Arterburn, David Stoop, Take Your Life Back, Tyndale Momentum, 2016, pp. 161-163).
For millions who are living under the controlling, abusive power of others, this is good news.
M.L. Codman-Wilson, Ph.D., 11/17/16 4 stars

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Take Your Life Back by Stephen Arterburn and David Stoop is designed to help you recognize and acknowledge the ways in which you lead a reactive life, in order to help you move toward a responsive life. This is an excellent starter book for people who have hit bottom and know that they have problems dealing with life, but aren't entirely sure as to the root cause or how to proceed in order to find healing and growth. It also has a lot of good general information in case you think you know the foundation that's led to your current problems, but don't want to read a lot of different books in search of the perfect one that'll relate to what you're going through. It covers various kinds of trauma, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, dependency, co-dependency, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder. It's not really an action plan (although a 12-step plan is included); consider it more of a guidebook to point you in the right general direction and give you the encouragement you need in order to recognize that healing is possible and to take those first (and hardest) steps toward recovery from your seeming brokenness.

Having read several similar personal growth/recovery books, I didn't really learn anything new from this book. But, as stated, it is a great starter book full of information and comforting stories to encourage someone to begin a very long journey. I'd also recommend it as a good guide to hand to someone who is acting as a safe person/support for anyone taking the journey toward healing/recovery. It will help others understand the path you're on, the problems that have led up to this point, and the steps you need to follow in order to reach a better place. 5/5 stars. There is a companion workbook, which I have not had the pleasure of looking at.

*Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from Tyndale House Publishers in exchange for this honest review.*

[Create With Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever felt that you tend to overreact to people and circumstances - that past situations, present setbacks and ongoing habits affect you way more than you know they should - Stephen Arterburn and David Stoop are here to help you regain control of your life.

In their latest book, Take Your Life Back: How To Stop Letting The Past And Other People Control You, Arterburn and Stoop provide you with practical advice, time-tested tips and biblical guidance on how to move from living a reactive life to leading a responsive life.

Think of this book as self-help for the soul, but with all self-help/psychological aspects processed through the lens of Scripture to ensure alignment with the truth of God’s Word.

The book is filled with lots of helpful information, including Reactive Life Chapters on The Origins Of Reactive Living, Surviving Broken Attachments, and The Impact Of Trauma, and Responsive Life Chapters on Taking Your Life Back and Expanding Your Recovery Plan.

This book is worth reading and taking the time to process and apply the information presented.

This review is an excerpt from my original review that is published at Create With Joy.

Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from the publisher. The opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own.

[John Lord · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had great hopes for this book, but grew increasingly less optimistic after the first chapter. The first chapter was amazing. The second through fourteenth were not only confusing at times, but jumbled, and non-specific. The examples were okay, for the most part, but never seemed to deal with any of the issues I have faced in life. In one place, in fact, after the book recommends counselling, it goes on to talk about how a counselor misdirected a woman that lead directly to her divorcing her husband.

[Valentina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed to realize that the book, instead of offering practical assistance, was largely composed of biblical references and religious doctrine, such as the promotion of celibacy until marriage.

I failed to connect with it. While the first section offered some valuable perspectives on control and attachment, the disproportionate religious emphasis of the book left me disinterested in the second section.

[Julie]

I am sure it can be useful and insightfull for christians, however if you do not believe in christian god, you will gain literally nothing from this book.

[Edina Gentz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me understand more about things I was already working on in my life. I liked how it doesn’t just teach you to say “no,” but also shows you when to say “yes,” which many books about boundaries miss nowadays, I think.
what stood out to me most is that it’s not just a self-help book. The author says the first steps to truly take back your life is to acknowledge God—and that without God, real change isn’t possible.

I would have love a more practical examples, but overall, i love the book.

[Jerry Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Profound

[Debbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Take Your Life Back" is about no longer "letting the past and other people control you." The first 127 pages talked about the different causes and ways a person can become reactive (unhealthy) rather than responsive (healthy) in their relationships. The authors came at it from several different angles and from a very inclusive mindset so you're likely to see yourself somewhere in those descriptions. The intent seems to be to help you recognize that you have a problem and what's at the root of it so that you can heal from it.

The next 50 pages were about what you can do toward having healthy relationships. While God and Jesus were talked about, it's in a general way. Unbelievers are urged to consider the Bible and surrender to God. I had expected a much stronger emphasis on the truths found in Scripture as the path to healing. Their advice included finding someone trustworthy to talk with and come alongside you and following the 12 step program. The last 23 pages described what the life of someone who has taken back their life will look like.

This book seemed more about encouraging you to recognize the problem and the goal and to make the effort to change. It does a fine job of that, but I expected more on how to "take back" your life. The advice they did give was pretty general and needs to be tailored to your own situation.

I received this book as a review copy from the publisher.

[Rae · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recovery (12 Steps) principles masquerading as a self-help book about spiritual change, surrender of control, and the unhealthy cycles and reactive attitudes that keep us in the past. Quite a good read.

[Analie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great starting point for learning about yourself and getting free from a reactive lifestyle! This book has a nice flow - from understanding your woundedness, recognizing the role of shame, exploring how you've related to God and others out of a false self. My favorite sections delved into attachment disorders and how the brain develops in an traumatic, unstable home, but the authors do a good job at examining dysfunction overall and how this affects relationships later in life. They conclude by guiding the reader through the Christian 12 steps. This is the point where readers may want more specific books after this to continue growing.

[Krysta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Though it provides a glimpse of many topics related to being 'reactive' (understanding childhood wounds, shame/guilt, attachment theories, loss, healing from trauma...), it lacks depth and clear steps/activities for an average reader to really gain much more than a step towards better topics for exploration.
Then there were the heavy religious overtones, especially in the first and the last few chapters. Not being religious myself, it was sometimes a cringe-worthy read, but I still got through it and found some value. It was ok - 2 stars.

[Delaney · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first part of this book is very informational and interesting. It teaches you about relationships, your brain, why you are the way that you are,etc. I enjoyed the beginning of the book. The 2nd half is extremely faith based and a little too much. It started to be more like “trust gods plan” and “give up your life to god” over actual ways to “take your life back.” I actually skipped over the last few pages because it was so God heavy. Would honestly not recommend this to anyone but it was an interesting read that got me thinking a bit.

[Beth Withers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much from reading this book. I like the Christian viewpoint the authors take also. It's helped me understand how important it is to draw appropriate boundaries and to take care of myself. It's hard to reconcile with the "love others first" teachings of churches, so this book helped put it all in a Biblical perspective.

[John Hoselton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very Important!

I can't emphasize the importance of this book. Everybody needs to read this, especially if you've been through some hurt in the past. This book delve deep in psychology and takes a scriptural approach to problems and past hurts and to come out of the other side it healed and better than ever (or healing and continuing to improve as it is a process).

[Nicole Welling · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book took weeks to finish because I didn’t enjoy reading it. I thought it was going to be different than it was. I was surprised to find that most of it was going over different problems people could have like addiction and co-dependency and the second half was how to take back control. So it wasn’t really geared for me at all, the title felt misleading.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful, reflective and challenging. Focuses on multiple issues from a faith-based perspective that is also practical (not - just go pray). Healing is a total soul process and this book is a great facilitator when one is ready to face themselves.

[Sean Duffy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best Book on Christian Healing!

Clear. Concise. Compelling. Relevant. And honest and candid from authors who admit their own struggles — and how they overcame it with prayer and surrender to the Lord. Amazing and helpful. Highly, highly recommended.

[Jazzmin Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a good self-help book. It was well written and wasn’t too unrealistic-feeling, if that makes sense. It is religiously considered but it kept a mature, differential nature about the message/tone.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, highly recommend reading vs listening to it. If you are working through past trauma, hurts, etc, you’ll want to read this book (and own it!). I rated it 4 mostly because I listened to it and it was a lot to absorb.

[JANIS IRBY · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unexpectedly religious

Based on the synopsis, I had no idea that this self help book was inundated with religious content and/or biblical references. Stopped halfway into the first chapter.

[Deborah Mcbirth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Will read again !

[Dee’s Cozy Corner Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish writers would leave GOD out of it. Just get on track with your life.

[Michelle Tejada · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good information but somewhat repetitive.

[Yvonne Van Schalkwyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Motivation

You learn to find yourself through the eyes of God, loving caring and respecting appreciating self car and self l9ve

[Melon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really need to start seeing if something is heavily based in Christianity or has a Christian leaning to it before I read it

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this along with the workbook in the "Life in the Spirit" group (Marty)