Ask a Ninja Presents The Ninja Handbook: This Book Looks Forward to Killing You Soon

by Kent Nichols, Douglas Sarine

DEADLY NINJA WISDOM FOR THE NON-NINJA

Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before you begin to run, flip, and jump along the Ninja Path.
  
After much debate and in a spirit of morbid amusement, the International Order of Ninjas has chosen to produce The Ninja Handbook , the first-ever secret ninja training guide specifically designed for the non-ninja.
Most non-ninjas who handle these delicate, deadly pages will die–probably in an elaborately horrific and painful manner. But whether your journey lasts five seconds or five days or (rather inconceivably) five years, all those who bravely take up this text and follow the tenets and trials laid out within will die knowing they were as ninja as they possibly could’ve been.

For the true of heart or the extremely lucky, this powerful and honorable manuscript contains such phenomenal ninja wisdom

•How to create and name your very own lethal ninja clan
•The proper weapon to use when fighting a vampire pumpkin
•Why clowns and robots are so dangerous on the Internet
•Easy-to-follow charts showing when to slice and when to stab
•How to execute such ultradeadly kicks as the Driving Miss Daisy
•Why pretty much every ninja movie ever made sucks
•How to make a shoggoth explode using well-placed foliage
•What the heck a shoggoth is and why you’ll need to make it explode
•Death Aide certification
•And much more ninjafied enlightenment on every shuriken-sharp page!

People do not take the Path, the Path takes people.

Genres: Humor, Fiction, Comedy, Reference, Adult, Martial Arts, Science Fiction

325 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Benjamin Uke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having gone through some more dark and grim reading recently, I needed something a little lighter.
Remember the old 'Chuck Norris jokes'?
Example:
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Take that, apply it too ninjas, and add about 20% more ridiculousness.
3/5 not bad and I found it funny, plays a bit hard on the same theme.

[Colin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tried. I really did. I love Ninjas. I love satire. I love ridiculous and over the top humor.

I did not love this book.

I think that it was perhaps too over the top and I felt like the whole time I was being excluded by inside jokes, or being thrown ludicrous names and situations in the hope that I would feel like I was being excluded from inside jokes.

I didn't finish, much to my chagrin. Maybe I'm a decade or two too old for it, or maybe I didn't know enough of the 'Ask a Ninja' back story to really enjoy it.

[Henrik Harbin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never give a dragon an even break, unless it's in the spine :)

Essentially this book is an extended text version of the "Ask a Ninja" video blogs on Youtube. That's not a bad thing; it's actually good, because it attracts people who might not like Youtube itself.

The essays and stories are humorous, in a sophomoric way that appeals mostly to teens and young adults. I liked it because it takes a mysterious subject and makes it fun and accessible.

WARNING: Don't read more than one or two chapters at a time unless you like humor-induced headaches.

[Jeff · Rating 1 out of 5]

The only thing I want to ask a ninja is "How did you get a publishing deal?"

[Austin · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've ever wondered when to slash or when to stab, you're going to need this book.

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm not sure I can even read this, I am trying...I know it is satire. I know it was published in 2008.
But it's not funny. It utilizes incomprehensible inside joke type humor (which I could look past, as I am sure that's part of the appeal), ALONG with undercurrents of misogyny, slut shaming, fat shaming, unnecessary descriptions of self harm (I don't care it's satire, it's not cool), transphobia, homophobia, slight racism, and general clueless white male privilege.
Blah blah blah it's satire, you're not the intended audience, it's 9 years old give it a break - no.
There are brief moments where this is minutely entertaining, but it's mostly just cringe worthy garbage that's utilizing way too many font sets and general tone deafness.

[Kristal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A silly, fun read.

[Ggd]

gh

[Stephen Humes-Gragg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious

[Bayan · Rating 1 out of 5]

A total waste of time i really regret reading this

[Laura Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you dig ninjas, this book is an essential volume. Naturally, it is a tongue-in-cheek guide to the secrets of the ninja, and is therefore quite helpful as a primer for those interested in the comic book or movie versions thereof. Indeed, with the subtitle "This book looks forward to killing you soon," those who are pissed off by its comedic premise should be immediately clued in that this in no way seeks to enlighten the non-ninja about true ninja secrets. But I guess some people just take things way too literally. And/or have no sense of humor.

This is a deeply hilarious book. Especially for those with a very warped sense of humor. And anyone who's ever watched the "Ask A Ninja" web series. Recommended, though perhaps not for children. See also my book Rebels of the 512 for more adult ninja humor.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a funny book. I felt that it was a little long. The beginning was hilarious and flew past. After awhile I got used to the humor and it seemed to drag a little. This was not helped by the blatant grammatical errors that made reading difficult the further you got through it. In my opinion the author is hilarious and the book a good read, unfortunately the editor seemed to give up and this turned a delightful read into a chore each time I had to decode a grammatical mistake and figure out what the author meant.

Great book, poor editing.

[Spike · Rating 5 out of 5]

There was a ninja hiding in every page. I didn't see them because whenever I turned the page they jumped out and stood behind me until I had finished the book, put it down and turned around. The ensuing battle was epic but thanks to the lessons I learned from the book I was able to fend them off. I was rewarded for my efforts by a) living and b) getting to take a picture with none other than THREE itself, whom was kind enough to auutograph it for me...before stabbing me in the eye with the pen.

[Dan Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Ninja Handbook is interesting and humorous. It follows the same sort of humor found in the "Ask a Ninja" webseries, although it goes much more into the fantastic. In fact, it would be perfectly accurate to describe this book as a fantasy textbook.

There were parts where the fantastic got a little absurd, and it distracted from the main theme of the book.

All in all, though, a humorous, fun book to read.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book took the longest time to read. probably it wasn't interesting enough. but it's hilarious to read if you have to time. i would recommenr this book to people who are VERY into ninja books. they have monsters and killings and gore everywhere. their quotes are funny, their ninja ways are funny, everything is funny. sometimes i even find myself laughing at the book when I'm reading at home. READ IT! IT'S A GOOD BOOK TO HAVE AROUND.

[Chris Youngblood · Rating 2 out of 5]

There's only so far you can take certain jokes, and the authors of this book seem determined to stretch this particular one to (and sometimes beyond) the limits. There were some entertaining sections, and the overall idea is amusing, but writing a 300+ page book out of what is ultimately a one-note joke is asking for too much from too little.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I mean, I was already well versed in many of these techniques, but this is a great refresher course for an already seasoned ninja. This is also a great how-to for a ninja novice. Not to say that everyone that attempts these skills can properly execute them. Read up for "ninjafied enlightenment".

[Kaitlyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I could write an amzing review for this, but I am laughing so hard remember it that I cannot form words. Besides, words cannot quite articulate the awesomeness of ninjas.

So, in the words of Grand Master Power Switch:
My grandfather would often run straight up a dinner roll.

...and to understand that, or any of the book, you need to read it!

[Stephen Kennedy · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I love the Ask A Ninja podcast and I liked the book, I didn't love it. It was just too much nonsensical data. Found I couldn't read lots of it in the same sitting.
While some parts are very funny, I didn't give me the laughs that I get from watching the podcast itself.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Ninja's humour does not translate well into book form. Even imagining the prose delivered in the AskANinja ninja's voice does not always make it funny. On a scale of Ben Stiller to Demetri Martin, I give it an Eddie Murphy.

[Dave · Rating 3 out of 5]

The humor from the Ask a Ninja website translates to print fairly well (though I imagine an audio book would be better), but even in a fairly short book it can be too much. The humor is so over the top that you need a break every section or so.

[Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is humorous, not necessarily something you read straight through, but it is great in lightning the mood after a long day. The jokes are sharp, and fit a certain type of humor that isn't met with warm reception from everyone. Some jokes do seem to reach, but I enjoy it on occasion.

[Robbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hilarious guide to becoming "almost a ninja". You, too, can progress through the levels of nonja, ninjaish, ninjalike and ITAN (Is That A Ninja?) if you follow the pointers set out in this handbook. Be prepared to laugh your socks off!

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

It started out really funny, and parts of it did stay amusing until the end, but with the last fifty or so pages, it started to dry out. The introduction was hilarious and gave me such high hopes...it didn't completely deliver.

[Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

not bad for my first saterical book, but i felt they took it a bit too far, it was funny but then again maybe my non-ninja mind couldnt handle all the ninja-ness, perhaps i'm not ready to be a ninja.......................yet. I did enjoy the book though, it was a good read.

[Lulu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Makes cracks to pop-culture, has some offbeat humor but not terrible to get through. I imagine it perfect for those of slapstick humor, or perhaps in the middle school age range. I'd at least recommend browsing through the pages, as it is indeed comical.

[Abby Rosmarin · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was alright. It provided a few good chuckles in the beginning and it was a good mindless read when I was on the train. I've read better, I've read worse. I don't know if I'd full-out recommend it, but if someone wanted to read it, I wouldn't stop them.

[John · Rating 1 out of 5]

Had to review this for Library Journal. It sucked.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife found this on the curb (no joke) and thought I might like it. I have no idea how the authors convinced anyone to publish it but Oh My God is it funny.

[Sammich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amusing. I could barely get through the last chapter. I enjoyed the jokes and parody ninja training.