Born Only Once, Third Edition: The Miracle of Affirmation

by Conrad W. Baars, Suzanne M. Baars M.A. (Editor), Bonnie N. Shayne M.A. (Editor)

This timeless classic, Born Only Once, describes the emotional turmoil of many persons and offers hope for healing through the author's compassionate understanding of their deepest wounds. Psychiatrist Conrad Baars discusses this inner unrest in terms of the fundamental human need for unconditional love, or affirmation. When children have been denied the gift of themselves through affirmation to a greater or lesser degree, they continue to look for this unconditional love, and later as adults suffer from deep feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, uncertainty, and insecurity, as well as having difficulty relating to others. Baars describes how authentic affirmation strengthens a person to feel secure and happy in himself, able to confront the world and to relate to others with confidence. Affirmation is what unaffirmed persons and those with Emotional Deprivation Disorder need to feel at peace, strong, and secure in their own identity. Baars lists many things that unaffirmed persons can do to help themselves, but it is hoped that the reader will be moved to lead an authentically affirming life by being open to the goodness of persons, things, nature, ideas, etc. This simple way of being, of openness to being moved, can bring peace and resolve difficulties.

Genres: Psychology, Catholic, Nonfiction

84 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2012

About the author

Conrad W. Baars, M.D., (January 2, 1919 – October 18, 1981) was a Catholic psychiatrist. His most prominent work is with Dr. Anna Terruwe in the study of the human emotional life. Their general idea is that many emotional disturbances in a human stem from a lack of experiencing unconditional love during his or her life. He and Terruwe are known for their model of Emotional Deprivation Disorder and a different approach to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Dr. Baars and Dr. Terruwe treated many priests and religious in their practices and presented important information to the bishops of the Catholic Church. The Role of the Church in the Causation, Treatment and Prevention of the Crisis in the Priesthood, was copyrighted and published by Franciscan Herald Press (Chicago, Illinois) in 1972 as part of their "Synthesis Series" as 'How to treat and prevent The Crisis in the Priesthood'. Dr. Baars wrote numerous other articles and monographs.

Reviews

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The other who wills his awareness of me opens his consciousness to my being and comes to know, that is, possess my goodness. The other’s evident finding delight in my goodness will be perceived by me. I am revealed to myself as good. I have received from the other what I am. I am no longer alone. I have been linked to another human being in this process of affirmation; not by communication of what I have, but by the revelation, the communion of what I am. In friendship, the greatest gift my friend can give me is himself. In affirmation I receive an even greater gift: myself."

[Siobhain · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will definitely reread this at some time and update this review with more details. For now, I will say that if you have people in your life who are negative, consistently unkind, easily depressed and discouraged, or just plain difficult to get along with, this book about affirmation or the opposite, being unaffirmed, could be the key to understanding them. May books like this help more people to be truly affirming or to get the help they need from lack of being affirmed.

[Bradley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm trying not to be too critical of the book as Conrad would identify that as a form of "denial," a mode of being that hurts us and others. And, to be sure, there is something to be said for being affirming in ones being. I do opine though that his treatment of the idea is a bit too general, and simple. How does one have opinions and judgement without denying at the same time other opinions and judgements? Its a paradox to be sure...and to be an affirming person of oneself and others is worth striving for, but I think the idea deserved some "objections" and clarification. The deeper works of Baars, especially Psychic Wholeness provides some of that depth and is more satisfying on the whole.

[Charles Klous · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everybody should read this immediately

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly dense but very informative. Because it wasn't long (only about 70 pages), I plan on rereading it to take notes and to better absorb its contents. In short, we need to affirm others! This is a great book that discusses psychology through a Christian lens. Would recommend!

[Shirlene Lim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful

The book has great explanation why most of unaffirmed crave certain degrees of acceptance, and yet whence receive still yearn for more. Vr helpful.

[Brian · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have never read a book that was so excellent in its content yet so poor in its communication of that content. Born Only Once endeavors to communicate that much of our psychological difficulties stem from being under-affirmed. It describes affirmation as “giving being to another”, and that affirmation essentially takes place whenever a person receives another as they are. This comes through active listening, space, body language, and sometimes verbal affirmation. This book tries to convince the reader of the importance of being rather than doing, especially in the context of recognizing the inherent dignity of another.

All these are amazing, earth shattering concepts, but the communication gets an F+. Firstly, it is fuzzy and vague, prone to overgeneralization and under-explanation. The book devotes a lot of time to explaining terms, but I think I got more confused by the terms the more I read about them.

Then we get the major stereotypes of psychological generalization, in consecutive order- first, we take a third of a chapter to psychoanalyze Adolf Hitler,. Next Marilyn Monroe, A lot of time dedicated to how John XXIII is fat but genuine, and a little note about Ghandi and Mother Teresa at the end.

Though the elements are all there, Conrad Baars seems less than interested in making them harmonize with or build off of each other. If this were merely a book of musings, that would be acceptable, but I find this book lacking in structure and in logical coherency, such that, while I am able to believe what the book purports, I do not believe it because the book convinced me; on the contrary, If I weren’t already convinced, the book probably would’ve had a negative effect on my belief in these ideas.

All in all, the juxtaposition between great content and fuzzy or nonexistent ties between concept, as well as the lack of academic rigor all contribute to my dislike of this book. I would like to try rereading it again to see if I can glean the content effectively with the book’s shortcomings in mind. Then I might be able to appreciate it more.

[Ellie Filley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is certainly a good book for reference to understand yourself and the human condition of those around you a bit more. It gives good practical insights and action items, which I always appreciate. Of course, based on the nature of the content of the book, it is not an easy or quick read, but is a good reference tool.

[Jennifer Hill · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a moving precursor to concepts like attachment theory and trauma/adverse childhood experiences. I imagine it was very good for its time, but it is outdated. Still, it's a helpful reference. The Catholic-specific religious lens is very strong.

[Abbey Kelly Thib · Rating 5 out of 5]

“So dare to be yourself so thoroughly, so authentically, that you will be free to turn out of yourself toward others, free to discover their goodness without seeing it as a potential threat, free to affirm others – or not”

[Reuben Nuxoll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful presentation of affirmation as coming from others in their approval of our "being," beyond doing, and that we cannot affirm ourselves. It also shows the damage lack of affirmation can do.

[Rosanne Petersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening! A must read, in my opinion.

[Martin Torres · Rating 5 out of 5]

Human relationships and how we treat each other~
I enjoyed the Monochrome illustrations some which can be pretty dark ~

[Lauren Scharmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this - it was helpful to take it slow and discuss… Pretty niche but worth the read.

[Keith Mokry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Baars presents interesting concepts on how affirmation or its deprivation can take on such power in our lives. As with any philosophy or psychological framework, it is not airtight nor should it be, but I do think it offers a deeply clarifying interpretative lens with which to understand the neuroses and general malaise of modern humanity.
If I have any criticism, it is that the book is too short for such a wide and encompassing set of ideas. I think it would benefit from a greater fleshing out of this framework and more case studies, especially of the common and ordinary variety.

[Joseph Klosowski]

Pretty “affirming” read lol. I think I learned something, but the weight put into Christ and god towards the end was almost off putting enough to dislike it. Almost!