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Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender Dad
“A deeply compelling memoir from a transgender man who birthed and breastfed his children – it’s informative, inspiring, and transformational.” – DIANA WEST, co-author of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, 8th edition
In a time when to most people “pregnancy” automatically means “motherhood,” what is it like to get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed a child all while being an out transgender man?
When Trevor MacDonald decided to start a family, he knew that the world was going to have questions for him. As a transgender man in a gay relationship, Trevor has gone through the journeys of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing all while exploring (and sometimes defending) his role as a trans dad. Trevor and his partner tackle all the questions new parents are familiar with (Should we feed our baby breast milk or formula? Should we have a hospital or home birth?) and others perhaps unfamiliar (How can a man cope with gender dysphoria when going through such female-coded rituals as childbirth and breastfeeding? How can a person breastfeed after having had chest masculinization surgery? How do we find donor milk to supplement our own modest milk supply?).
Luckily for the reader, Trevor explains his own answers to these questions with grace and humour. His stories convey the intimate and sometimes surprising realities of the transgender parenting experience. This memoir is a book about being a breastfeeding parent and a transgender man, and the many beautiful, moving, and difficult ways these two identities collide. It is a story that shows that pregnancy and parenting go beyond all preconceptions we might have about ourselves. “Where’s the Mother?” is a memoir about love and family like no other.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
JUST A YEAR after my surgery, Ian and I talked for the first time about starting a family. The thought had not crossed my mind until I transitioned. Suddenly, I had new space in my soul to care for others.
I wasn’t sure I liked kids. I hadn’t spent much time with any, and I was a bit scared of the ones I knew. Kids say exactly what they are thinking, including things like, “Are you a boy or a girl?”
It seems, too, that many can tell in an instant if an adult is not feeling confident. Luckily for me, our baby would be born a baby and not a kid, and we would have time to get to know each other well before the need to negotiate over candy, bedtimes, or car keys.
I also took courage from the fact that Ian was, and is, amazing with kids. Friends of ours have been surprised more than once to hear their normally standoffish babies and toddlers crying for him, asking to be held, played with, and read to. Ian had assumed that as a gay man, he’d never have children of his own.
As surprised and unprepared as we both were (neither of us had ever changed a diaper before our own kid was born), we knew that we wanted to raise a baby together. We wanted a little person to love, cuddle, delight in, and guide as best we could.
At first we considered adoption, but rapidly concluded that no one would let us adopt a kid. There is a substantial age difference between us, we don’t have piles of money, and, yes, there’s the transgender issue. Canadian courts have ruled that being transgender or deciding to transition should not affect child custody arrangements, but many people are still suspicious of transgender parents (a quick perusal of the comments on any article about transgender parenting provides copious proof). We assumed that we would be stuck on an adoption waiting list for years and never get a call.
In a time when to most people “pregnancy” automatically means “motherhood,” what is it like to get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed a child all while being an out transgender man?
When Trevor MacDonald decided to start a family, he knew that the world was going to have questions for him. As a transgender man in a gay relationship, Trevor has gone through the journeys of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing all while exploring (and sometimes defending) his role as a trans dad. Trevor and his partner tackle all the questions new parents are familiar with (Should we feed our baby breast milk or formula? Should we have a hospital or home birth?) and others perhaps unfamiliar (How can a man cope with gender dysphoria when going through such female-coded rituals as childbirth and breastfeeding? How can a person breastfeed after having had chest masculinization surgery? How do we find donor milk to supplement our own modest milk supply?).
Luckily for the reader, Trevor explains his own answers to these questions with grace and humour. His stories convey the intimate and sometimes surprising realities of the transgender parenting experience. This memoir is a book about being a breastfeeding parent and a transgender man, and the many beautiful, moving, and difficult ways these two identities collide. It is a story that shows that pregnancy and parenting go beyond all preconceptions we might have about ourselves. “Where’s the Mother?” is a memoir about love and family like no other.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
JUST A YEAR after my surgery, Ian and I talked for the first time about starting a family. The thought had not crossed my mind until I transitioned. Suddenly, I had new space in my soul to care for others.
I wasn’t sure I liked kids. I hadn’t spent much time with any, and I was a bit scared of the ones I knew. Kids say exactly what they are thinking, including things like, “Are you a boy or a girl?”
It seems, too, that many can tell in an instant if an adult is not feeling confident. Luckily for me, our baby would be born a baby and not a kid, and we would have time to get to know each other well before the need to negotiate over candy, bedtimes, or car keys.
I also took courage from the fact that Ian was, and is, amazing with kids. Friends of ours have been surprised more than once to hear their normally standoffish babies and toddlers crying for him, asking to be held, played with, and read to. Ian had assumed that as a gay man, he’d never have children of his own.
As surprised and unprepared as we both were (neither of us had ever changed a diaper before our own kid was born), we knew that we wanted to raise a baby together. We wanted a little person to love, cuddle, delight in, and guide as best we could.
At first we considered adoption, but rapidly concluded that no one would let us adopt a kid. There is a substantial age difference between us, we don’t have piles of money, and, yes, there’s the transgender issue. Canadian courts have ruled that being transgender or deciding to transition should not affect child custody arrangements, but many people are still suspicious of transgender parents (a quick perusal of the comments on any article about transgender parenting provides copious proof). We assumed that we would be stuck on an adoption waiting list for years and never get a call.
280 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 24, 2016
27 people are currently reading
1037 people want to read
About the author
Trevor MacDonald
2 books30 followers"Frank, clever, and easy to process, MacDonald’s book serves as a refreshing and insightful narrative." - Publishers Weekly
Trevor MacDonald started his blog, www.milkjunkies.net, to share his experiences of transitioning, becoming pregnant, and breastfeeding with the use of supplementary donated human milk. Since 2011, milkjunkies.net has received over half a million visitors.
Trevor founded the first online support group for transgender people interested in pregnancy, birth, and breast or chestfeeding. He has initiated and helped to design and carry out a study funded by the Canadian Institutes of Health Research on the experiences of transmasculine individuals with pregnancy, birth, and infant feeding. He received international media attention in 2013 when his application to volunteer with his local chapter of La Leche League, a worldwide breastfeeding support organization, was blocked on the grounds of his gender identity. He successfully campaigned for a change to LLL’s policy in 2014.
Trevor is a Huffington Post featured blogger, and has appeared as a speaker and workshop leader at conferences such as Yonifest (with Ina May Gaskin and Michel Odent); the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference; the Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health; the Canadian Association of Midwives; and the International Lactation Consultant Association, to name a few. He frequently presents educational sessions for church groups, university courses, LGBT youth groups, and health care workers.
Trevor MacDonald started his blog, www.milkjunkies.net, to share his experiences of transitioning, becoming pregnant, and breastfeeding with the use of supplementary donated human milk. Since 2011, milkjunkies.net has received over half a million visitors.
Trevor founded the first online support group for transgender people interested in pregnancy, birth, and breast or chestfeeding. He has initiated and helped to design and carry out a study funded by the Canadian Institutes of Health Research on the experiences of transmasculine individuals with pregnancy, birth, and infant feeding. He received international media attention in 2013 when his application to volunteer with his local chapter of La Leche League, a worldwide breastfeeding support organization, was blocked on the grounds of his gender identity. He successfully campaigned for a change to LLL’s policy in 2014.
Trevor is a Huffington Post featured blogger, and has appeared as a speaker and workshop leader at conferences such as Yonifest (with Ina May Gaskin and Michel Odent); the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference; the Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health; the Canadian Association of Midwives; and the International Lactation Consultant Association, to name a few. He frequently presents educational sessions for church groups, university courses, LGBT youth groups, and health care workers.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
May 11, 2016
You may be thinking "Not another trans memoir!" right now, but Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender Dad offers a perspective you've never heard before. I am a gay transgender man who has been through male pregnancy and nursing a child, and I still learned a lot from MacDonald's book.
So, what do you get? First, he walks you through select parts of his life and transition (enough to give context to later events in the narrative), and then he digs deep into his experiences with pregnancy and nursing. This sets his book apart because we do not have enough trans voices talking about nursing and perinatal care. Trevor also writes about his family's process of connecting with a wider community of families in order to receive informal milk donations (meaning: not from a milk bank, which, if you're even allowed to buy it, is prohibitively expensive). That is a big endeavor to take on, but I think MacDonald does a great job of showing us how obtaining donor milk is an achievable goal.
Trevor shares his experiences with how friends, family, and coworkers shifted their perceptions of him--first when he came out as male, and then again when he came out as pregnant. He stood in the face of people challenging his validity as a gay man. I know from experience how dark life can get when no one sees you, but reading this book made me feel supported. It gave me new strategies to deal with the intrusive lines of questioning we trans people often receive from curious cis folk in our lives. Trevor and his husband seem to have more patience than most, but perhaps some of that patience can rub off on the reader.
If you prescribe to principles of attachment parenting, I think this story will especially appeal to you. MacDonald does a great job of expressing what nursing at the chest means to his family. At a time when nursing children is making a comeback in Western society, this is a book that can help people understand what it's all about. I know that trans birth parents in particular do not have much in the way of educational content written with language that actually includes us, so Where's the Mother? is filling an important gap in trans literature.
I do know Trevor personally. Years ago, I came to him for personal support as a father and birth parent and that support relationship blossomed into friendship and a shared passion for organizing community support surrounding trans reproductive health issues. I did not know many of the things he shares in this memoir, however! Reading his story from the perspective of what he thought as things were still new to him taught me more than I ever would have learned from our friendship alone. I saw so many elements of the man he is today in his early experiences with planning for birth and nursing his kids. From having milk donation relationships with conservative Christians to attending his first LLL meeting, I could see how he learned the lessons that he shares with the trans reproductive health community every day.
Finally, I can no longer read Ina May unless she apologizes for signing the vehemently anti-trans "Open Letter to MANA," but if I'd had Trevor's book when I was pregnant, I wouldn'tve had to. And that brings me to my last point, the abrupt stop of this review: when you read Where's the Mother?, do yourself the service of reading the footnotes!
So, what do you get? First, he walks you through select parts of his life and transition (enough to give context to later events in the narrative), and then he digs deep into his experiences with pregnancy and nursing. This sets his book apart because we do not have enough trans voices talking about nursing and perinatal care. Trevor also writes about his family's process of connecting with a wider community of families in order to receive informal milk donations (meaning: not from a milk bank, which, if you're even allowed to buy it, is prohibitively expensive). That is a big endeavor to take on, but I think MacDonald does a great job of showing us how obtaining donor milk is an achievable goal.
Trevor shares his experiences with how friends, family, and coworkers shifted their perceptions of him--first when he came out as male, and then again when he came out as pregnant. He stood in the face of people challenging his validity as a gay man. I know from experience how dark life can get when no one sees you, but reading this book made me feel supported. It gave me new strategies to deal with the intrusive lines of questioning we trans people often receive from curious cis folk in our lives. Trevor and his husband seem to have more patience than most, but perhaps some of that patience can rub off on the reader.
If you prescribe to principles of attachment parenting, I think this story will especially appeal to you. MacDonald does a great job of expressing what nursing at the chest means to his family. At a time when nursing children is making a comeback in Western society, this is a book that can help people understand what it's all about. I know that trans birth parents in particular do not have much in the way of educational content written with language that actually includes us, so Where's the Mother? is filling an important gap in trans literature.
I do know Trevor personally. Years ago, I came to him for personal support as a father and birth parent and that support relationship blossomed into friendship and a shared passion for organizing community support surrounding trans reproductive health issues. I did not know many of the things he shares in this memoir, however! Reading his story from the perspective of what he thought as things were still new to him taught me more than I ever would have learned from our friendship alone. I saw so many elements of the man he is today in his early experiences with planning for birth and nursing his kids. From having milk donation relationships with conservative Christians to attending his first LLL meeting, I could see how he learned the lessons that he shares with the trans reproductive health community every day.
Finally, I can no longer read Ina May unless she apologizes for signing the vehemently anti-trans "Open Letter to MANA," but if I'd had Trevor's book when I was pregnant, I wouldn'tve had to. And that brings me to my last point, the abrupt stop of this review: when you read Where's the Mother?, do yourself the service of reading the footnotes!
December 13, 2018
I wanted to like this more than I actually did. It's an interesting story and certainly seeing parenthood from this perspective was cool. But as a mom of young kids who breastfed one until 2.5 and is currently breastfeeding a 4 month old, this felt very pushy and judgemental. I place myself squarely in the category of attachment parent, but this was attachment parenting evangelism in the extreme. The disdain with which they speak of formula, the judgement they give to breastfeeding moms about what they eat or how they feed their own kids, it was just a lot. If you don't want people to judge you for being a gay-trans couple or a breastfeeding man (which they shouldn't) then maybe not judging others for formula feeding, using strollers, eating fast food, etc. is a good start. I kept thinking the whole time, I hope you realize how lucky you are that the fact that your baby might have to have formula is your biggest health concern for him. I think hearing about this perspective on parenting is so important, I just wish I hadn't gotten it through this book. It was off-putting.
May 27, 2016
Trevor MacDonald's book "Where's the Mother? Stores from a Transgender Dad", is wonderful - I couldn't recommend it more highly. Not only is it a wealth of information for transgender parents and their providers, it is a wealth of information for parents with low milk production (for whatever reason) and their providers.
If you are a health provider who doesn't know what it is like keeping spreadsheets on how much expressed colostrum or milk you have and how many hours, days, or weeks you have before you run out of precious food for your baby, then this book is for you.
If you are a parent who does know what it is like to feed a baby while keeping spreadsheets on how much expressed colostrum or milk you have, then you will probably get a lot out of this book too.
If you are a transgender parent - this unique, groundbreaking, book is full of technical information on chesttfeeding after top-surgery, along with generous and honest insights into the practical and emotional aspects of lactation from a transgender viewpoint.
If you are a health provider who doesn't know what it is like keeping spreadsheets on how much expressed colostrum or milk you have and how many hours, days, or weeks you have before you run out of precious food for your baby, then this book is for you.
If you are a parent who does know what it is like to feed a baby while keeping spreadsheets on how much expressed colostrum or milk you have, then you will probably get a lot out of this book too.
If you are a transgender parent - this unique, groundbreaking, book is full of technical information on chesttfeeding after top-surgery, along with generous and honest insights into the practical and emotional aspects of lactation from a transgender viewpoint.
October 1, 2016
I read this book in one day. I was expecting, from the title 'stories from a Transgender Dad' but what it really was about from baby to end of book was about breastfeeding + milk supply. I was hoping to hear more about the transition and his experience as a new Dad.
March 25, 2023
DNF at almost halfway.
What I wanted: to hear about the experience of pregnancy as a man, such as the hormonal effects on dysphoria, feeling the baby move for the first time, or ability to work, pass, and run errands.
What I got: preached at about chest feeding is best and fearmongering about hospitals, ultrasounds and more.
What I wanted: to hear about the experience of pregnancy as a man, such as the hormonal effects on dysphoria, feeling the baby move for the first time, or ability to work, pass, and run errands.
What I got: preached at about chest feeding is best and fearmongering about hospitals, ultrasounds and more.
October 16, 2023
Big fan of the memoir, absolutely fascinating hearing about all of the decisions he needed to make and how it felt to be perceived.
But the whole thing about actual breast milk versus formula for babies (which dominates about half of the book) feels ridiculous to me. Just chill out your baby is gonna be okay
But the whole thing about actual breast milk versus formula for babies (which dominates about half of the book) feels ridiculous to me. Just chill out your baby is gonna be okay
June 16, 2016
Excellent book.
I would suggest this book as required reading for professionals who work with transgender people as well as for providers who work in areas related to labor, delivery, and lactation.
I would also recommend this book for anyone who enjoys a well told story with an interesting perspective, especially for readers who like non-fiction and memoirs.
Trevor deftly interweaves his own coming out story, his husbands family history, and their decision to build a family together. The bulk of the book relates to Trevor's experience of pregnancy, labor, and chest-feeding their first child.
Footnotes are used to good effect to reference resources, cite studies that influenced his views, and give updates (which allows both the story based on what his understanding was at the time and sharing up to date information with readers). This is one of the aspects of the book that makes it a valuable resource for professionals and community members in addition to the importance of sharing a point of view too rarely articulated.
I would suggest this book as required reading for professionals who work with transgender people as well as for providers who work in areas related to labor, delivery, and lactation.
I would also recommend this book for anyone who enjoys a well told story with an interesting perspective, especially for readers who like non-fiction and memoirs.
Trevor deftly interweaves his own coming out story, his husbands family history, and their decision to build a family together. The bulk of the book relates to Trevor's experience of pregnancy, labor, and chest-feeding their first child.
Footnotes are used to good effect to reference resources, cite studies that influenced his views, and give updates (which allows both the story based on what his understanding was at the time and sharing up to date information with readers). This is one of the aspects of the book that makes it a valuable resource for professionals and community members in addition to the importance of sharing a point of view too rarely articulated.
July 19, 2023
Trevor says he doesn't want to shame other parents for how they parent their child, but throughout the book he really does make it seem like he is shaming others for choosing formula. As a trans man myself who has been struggling with deciding on my parenting journey, I thought this book would be empowering and full of support for trans people, but Trevor did the opposite. I was incredibly disappointed with this book and it left me feeling depressed, ashamed and dysphoric.
February 2, 2025
over half of this book is simply about breastfeeding which turned it in into a slog. of course trans people having and breastfeeding their children is deeply stigmatized even in the trans community (such as the insistence among trans men that you’re not really “trans” if you get pregnant, because a “real” trans man’s dysphoria would never allow it), even as anti-trans conservative talking points currently weaponize our “infertility” against us (such as the miserable executive order trump signed this month which describes it as a “horrible tragedy” that trans youth will “never have children of their own or nurture their children through breastfeeding”), so i was very excited to read this. i actually love reading about motherhood and pregnancy in general, it fulfills a niche or wish i can’t have in life (due to medical issues that are highly genetic but also maybe dysphoria too), but once it stopped being about the unique experience of a trans parent who decided to give birth and exclusively being a hunt for breast milk it became unreadable and almost infuriating
to finish this for my sanity i had to start making notes to clown on this couple. so here are some of the issues:
i understand the midwife team at home for dysphoria reasons but he didn’t want an ultrasound because he read that ultrasounds harm the baby despite the midwives begging him to get one and saying they don’t feel comfortable with his birth plan.
he acts like giving formula is a failure. it goes beyond the normal emotions associated with struggling to breastfeed/provide for your baby (since he had top surgery and can only produce a little bit of milk) and he’s just on his high horse. his cis boyfriend was adopted and they believed he “missed out” by not being breastfed. as someone who would adopt if i had children, my child would not have missed out on something… there are actually way better more meaningful ways to bond with a child that require more effort than breastfeeding. not sure he would know that because he doesn’t ever really mention anything about his son if it’s not in relation to feeding. the baby is exclusively a thing that exists to be provided milk
he mentions he considers the promotion of formula to be “the greatest crime of healthcare practices in the developing world.” yes breastfeeding is the most natural and nutritious way to feed a child but really? that’s your pick? even if you said this in conversation, why would you PUBLISH that hyperbole?
having all these women donate their milk to you and struggling and stressing so hard over it for this long period of time instead of supplementing with formula just seems like mental illness. someone says she doesn’t think her milk is fatty enough for a newborn but the author doesn’t care and considers any human milk to be better than formula
their newborn baby doesn’t poop normally at first and is losing some weight (which i think is considered normal) and maybe it’s a retrospection thing but the author isn’t really panicked about the baby’s life he’s only concerned with breast milk being the best. he would never consider formula to support the child he just starts lying to professionals by estimating how much milk his newborn gets on the high side. at that point you do not give a fuck about your baby’s nutrition intake
i think he needed therapy because he wants to breastfeed his baby so bad at one point he discusses how he regrets his top surgery
once their newborn starts gaining weight, he literally has no health problems and i don’t really get the vibe they’re grateful for that in their interactions with many other women whose children have health issues. a woman tells them her story and says her underweight premie had to be on formula until her breast milk came in. their response? “we told her we were sorry to hear about the formula”. he acts like it’s poison in fact i think later in the book that comparison is made and he’s just like it’s half true
i feel like “as gay men we were sure spending a lot of time appreciating breasts - for their life-giving function” in reaction to a woman pumping milk for them is just a nasty sentence. it makes light of their weird interactions with these women while also implying gay men can’t be attracted to breasts or that other transgender men don’t have breasts
also sorry this may be the most unwoke thing i have ever said but breastfeeding children who can speak in full sentences is deeply disturbing to me. this is obviously a discomfort implanted in me by society and i agree that in the past breastfeeding older toddlers was convenient and life saving but come on. if you’re old enough to have a conversation with me about breastfeeding you’re old enough to stop. the author’s friend breastfeeds her grown ass 4 year old and that was lowkey terrifying to me
back to the fact they’re weird about other people’s kids’ health issues. when i was a kid i couldn’t keep breast milk down either so it pissed me off so bad to see them doubt the validity of a woman who said her baby had this condition and thus couldn’t use her breast milk. once they confirmed it was a real thing that happens they were “delighted at the possibility” and immediately go straight into planning for a ton of milk storage
THEN the bf lies to a lady at the hospital whose baby has that same condition and he’s also thinking of her as a breast milk factory too plotting to get her milk so he tells her that their baby has allergies and can ONLY drink breast milk. he has the decency to immediately be like idk i lied but i would’ve been like why would you lie about that when i just told you my baby is in the hospital?
so many other women with unfortunate babies and every time they just immediately start thinking about their own healthy baby and evaluating the woman as a breast milk donor from heaven until she mentions being a smoker or something and then uh oh baby can’t have that. they actually meet up with a donor family who are perfect and they offer to go out to eat at kfc and the author is immediately on his high horse, weighing what’s worse - “formula or milk from somebody who eats kfc?” another time they’re denied from someone who says she’s looking to give her milk to a newborn when their baby is 10 months old so in their next interaction with someone else, they sneakily arrange for a whole group of people they know, most with sick babies, to receive breast milk from someone just so they can get a share of it and are praised by these parents for their generosity
it’s actually so bizarre. formula is sooooo bad but breast milk from a million random women we met on facebook is ok it’s simply that perfect for the baby. what if they just lied to you? also they’re obviously middle class and people are not allowed to sell breast milk so everything they get for their baby is free and again their baby is HEALTHY
i believe this book ends with an epilogue where they decide to have another child after they spent so much time scrambling to feed the first one and i think they have a home birth with absolutely no one around this time which is just crazy. and again, this entire book there was really no time spent bonding with this baby, just stressing over nursing it. don’t worry BREAST MILK gave him a magical connection with this baby
just the definition of big and greedy. i think i have come away from this book empathizing with antinatalism when based on the title, i hoped to read something more profound and intimate about the expectations society places on gendered bodies. it didn’t help the author literally never experienced transphobia, even though he was worried about it, somehow every single person he met thought it was really cool that he was trans and had a baby. there was like one stranger when HE BREASTFED IN PUBLIC on an airplane that said something about how the baby needed a real breast but afterwards a different stranger said some corny shit like NEVER LET ANYONE TAKE THIS JOY AWAY FROM YOU!!!!
to finish this for my sanity i had to start making notes to clown on this couple. so here are some of the issues:
i understand the midwife team at home for dysphoria reasons but he didn’t want an ultrasound because he read that ultrasounds harm the baby despite the midwives begging him to get one and saying they don’t feel comfortable with his birth plan.
he acts like giving formula is a failure. it goes beyond the normal emotions associated with struggling to breastfeed/provide for your baby (since he had top surgery and can only produce a little bit of milk) and he’s just on his high horse. his cis boyfriend was adopted and they believed he “missed out” by not being breastfed. as someone who would adopt if i had children, my child would not have missed out on something… there are actually way better more meaningful ways to bond with a child that require more effort than breastfeeding. not sure he would know that because he doesn’t ever really mention anything about his son if it’s not in relation to feeding. the baby is exclusively a thing that exists to be provided milk
he mentions he considers the promotion of formula to be “the greatest crime of healthcare practices in the developing world.” yes breastfeeding is the most natural and nutritious way to feed a child but really? that’s your pick? even if you said this in conversation, why would you PUBLISH that hyperbole?
having all these women donate their milk to you and struggling and stressing so hard over it for this long period of time instead of supplementing with formula just seems like mental illness. someone says she doesn’t think her milk is fatty enough for a newborn but the author doesn’t care and considers any human milk to be better than formula
their newborn baby doesn’t poop normally at first and is losing some weight (which i think is considered normal) and maybe it’s a retrospection thing but the author isn’t really panicked about the baby’s life he’s only concerned with breast milk being the best. he would never consider formula to support the child he just starts lying to professionals by estimating how much milk his newborn gets on the high side. at that point you do not give a fuck about your baby’s nutrition intake
i think he needed therapy because he wants to breastfeed his baby so bad at one point he discusses how he regrets his top surgery
once their newborn starts gaining weight, he literally has no health problems and i don’t really get the vibe they’re grateful for that in their interactions with many other women whose children have health issues. a woman tells them her story and says her underweight premie had to be on formula until her breast milk came in. their response? “we told her we were sorry to hear about the formula”. he acts like it’s poison in fact i think later in the book that comparison is made and he’s just like it’s half true
i feel like “as gay men we were sure spending a lot of time appreciating breasts - for their life-giving function” in reaction to a woman pumping milk for them is just a nasty sentence. it makes light of their weird interactions with these women while also implying gay men can’t be attracted to breasts or that other transgender men don’t have breasts
also sorry this may be the most unwoke thing i have ever said but breastfeeding children who can speak in full sentences is deeply disturbing to me. this is obviously a discomfort implanted in me by society and i agree that in the past breastfeeding older toddlers was convenient and life saving but come on. if you’re old enough to have a conversation with me about breastfeeding you’re old enough to stop. the author’s friend breastfeeds her grown ass 4 year old and that was lowkey terrifying to me
back to the fact they’re weird about other people’s kids’ health issues. when i was a kid i couldn’t keep breast milk down either so it pissed me off so bad to see them doubt the validity of a woman who said her baby had this condition and thus couldn’t use her breast milk. once they confirmed it was a real thing that happens they were “delighted at the possibility” and immediately go straight into planning for a ton of milk storage
THEN the bf lies to a lady at the hospital whose baby has that same condition and he’s also thinking of her as a breast milk factory too plotting to get her milk so he tells her that their baby has allergies and can ONLY drink breast milk. he has the decency to immediately be like idk i lied but i would’ve been like why would you lie about that when i just told you my baby is in the hospital?
so many other women with unfortunate babies and every time they just immediately start thinking about their own healthy baby and evaluating the woman as a breast milk donor from heaven until she mentions being a smoker or something and then uh oh baby can’t have that. they actually meet up with a donor family who are perfect and they offer to go out to eat at kfc and the author is immediately on his high horse, weighing what’s worse - “formula or milk from somebody who eats kfc?” another time they’re denied from someone who says she’s looking to give her milk to a newborn when their baby is 10 months old so in their next interaction with someone else, they sneakily arrange for a whole group of people they know, most with sick babies, to receive breast milk from someone just so they can get a share of it and are praised by these parents for their generosity
it’s actually so bizarre. formula is sooooo bad but breast milk from a million random women we met on facebook is ok it’s simply that perfect for the baby. what if they just lied to you? also they’re obviously middle class and people are not allowed to sell breast milk so everything they get for their baby is free and again their baby is HEALTHY
i believe this book ends with an epilogue where they decide to have another child after they spent so much time scrambling to feed the first one and i think they have a home birth with absolutely no one around this time which is just crazy. and again, this entire book there was really no time spent bonding with this baby, just stressing over nursing it. don’t worry BREAST MILK gave him a magical connection with this baby
just the definition of big and greedy. i think i have come away from this book empathizing with antinatalism when based on the title, i hoped to read something more profound and intimate about the expectations society places on gendered bodies. it didn’t help the author literally never experienced transphobia, even though he was worried about it, somehow every single person he met thought it was really cool that he was trans and had a baby. there was like one stranger when HE BREASTFED IN PUBLIC on an airplane that said something about how the baby needed a real breast but afterwards a different stranger said some corny shit like NEVER LET ANYONE TAKE THIS JOY AWAY FROM YOU!!!!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 9, 2024
I’m about halfway through this book and it’s been disappointing for a few reasons. First, and most importantly - a lot of this reads as advocacy for pseudoscientific parenting advice instead of a personal memoir. The author has some sections where he says he isn’t against parents doing what’s best for them, but then he presents so much fearmongering information - like that using formula even once for an infant could affect them throughout life, that ‘research’ has found ultrasounds could cause autism (which - even if that were true, would it be worse to have an autistic child than to miss a major issue early on? I have to wonder if the author is antivax too), and so on.
This bias wouldn’t be so bad if the book were written in a more personal style that focuses on his experiences and emotions (e.g., fears over not being able to breastfeed), without treating this as an opportunity to ‘educate’ his readers when he himself is not an expert.
And this links into my second biggest issue here: a lot of the interactions and dialogue just don’t feel real. I’m sure the author doesn’t remember word for word what everyone’s said to him in these moments, but in trying to be accurate with the gist it sounds robotic. Most people use contractions when they talk in real life, they don’t say exactly what they mean, and they stumble over their words
I did enjoy the more personal sections at the start of the book, going over his and his husband’s personal histories. I really like the contrast implied by talking about his mother-in-law having to get a mastectomy from breast cancer in a short section before talking about his own top surgery - showing how such a similar procedure could have such different meaning for two people. I’m hoping there will be more of that in the rest of the book (enough that I don’t abandon it), but right now I’m having to roll my eyes every few pages as he presents biased points about birthing/breastfeeding as fact.
Edit after finishing the book: the second half tones down on the ‘education’ tone, but it was almost entirely on the author and his husband’s scramble to get breast milk for their son and getting their son to chest feed with a supplementer because (surprise!) they’re anti-bottle feeding too (for it’s risk of interfering with breastfeeding). It seems like they made their entire personalities around exclusive breastfeeding - at least, there’s not much else that comes through here. So, still disappointing. Any expecting parents out there: please remember that where breast may be better, _fed_ is best. Don’t let anyone scare or shame you for feeding your baby the way that works for your family.
This bias wouldn’t be so bad if the book were written in a more personal style that focuses on his experiences and emotions (e.g., fears over not being able to breastfeed), without treating this as an opportunity to ‘educate’ his readers when he himself is not an expert.
And this links into my second biggest issue here: a lot of the interactions and dialogue just don’t feel real. I’m sure the author doesn’t remember word for word what everyone’s said to him in these moments, but in trying to be accurate with the gist it sounds robotic. Most people use contractions when they talk in real life, they don’t say exactly what they mean, and they stumble over their words
I did enjoy the more personal sections at the start of the book, going over his and his husband’s personal histories. I really like the contrast implied by talking about his mother-in-law having to get a mastectomy from breast cancer in a short section before talking about his own top surgery - showing how such a similar procedure could have such different meaning for two people. I’m hoping there will be more of that in the rest of the book (enough that I don’t abandon it), but right now I’m having to roll my eyes every few pages as he presents biased points about birthing/breastfeeding as fact.
Edit after finishing the book: the second half tones down on the ‘education’ tone, but it was almost entirely on the author and his husband’s scramble to get breast milk for their son and getting their son to chest feed with a supplementer because (surprise!) they’re anti-bottle feeding too (for it’s risk of interfering with breastfeeding). It seems like they made their entire personalities around exclusive breastfeeding - at least, there’s not much else that comes through here. So, still disappointing. Any expecting parents out there: please remember that where breast may be better, _fed_ is best. Don’t let anyone scare or shame you for feeding your baby the way that works for your family.
April 10, 2018
This book has been sitting on my shelf for a few months, waiting for a moment when I will be ready to pick it up and dive into a story that is too familiar. As a member of the Facebook group that Trevor McDonald started and someone who's trans and plans to have their own children, this was an exceptional dive into the scary reality that is family planning when everything about you screams "not-woman".
I have to be honest, there were times when I would sob on my way to work, reading this memoir on the subway. Being pregnant, having a baby, dealing with bodily changes, everything that I anticipate as an issue, Trevor was able to describe in an honest and open way.
I found the second part of the book, where breast- and chestfeeding are at the forefront, very engaging, interesting and new. Before I started reading some of Trevor's works, I didn't know about the existence of human milk donation outside of milk banks and I most certainly did not research non-Western, long-term breastfeeding practices.
This book isn't just a simple memoir of a trans dad. It's an incredible journey into parenthood that has a potential to change one's mind about things you might have considered obvious and non-negotiable.
I have to be honest, there were times when I would sob on my way to work, reading this memoir on the subway. Being pregnant, having a baby, dealing with bodily changes, everything that I anticipate as an issue, Trevor was able to describe in an honest and open way.
I found the second part of the book, where breast- and chestfeeding are at the forefront, very engaging, interesting and new. Before I started reading some of Trevor's works, I didn't know about the existence of human milk donation outside of milk banks and I most certainly did not research non-Western, long-term breastfeeding practices.
This book isn't just a simple memoir of a trans dad. It's an incredible journey into parenthood that has a potential to change one's mind about things you might have considered obvious and non-negotiable.
December 29, 2021
An interesting and sweet memoir from a transgender dad about his experience with pregnancy and nursing. It was required reading for my doula certification, and definitely one of the more enjoyable on the list. I'd certainly recommend it to anyone interested in diverse experiences of birth and pregnancy, and especially to transgender folks who are considering a similar path. Obviously, the author's experience won't be everyone's, but I think he does a good job of addressing the potential challenges, including body dysmorphia, discrimination, and interfacing with medical professionals.
One note: The author does, at times, come off as anti-formula. As a formula-fed baby myself, I occasionally bumped against this. But I acknowledge that this resistance is probably very tied up with his relationship to his own body and also his desire to give his baby every possible benefit in a world that is not always kind to queer families. This is just a light warning to those who have strong feelings on the subject, one way or the other.
One note: The author does, at times, come off as anti-formula. As a formula-fed baby myself, I occasionally bumped against this. But I acknowledge that this resistance is probably very tied up with his relationship to his own body and also his desire to give his baby every possible benefit in a world that is not always kind to queer families. This is just a light warning to those who have strong feelings on the subject, one way or the other.
October 30, 2021
I raced through the 2nd half of the book, so maybe it deserves more than 3 stars. The 'suspense' was about whether the transgender dad (author Trevor) and his gay husband Ian could obtain enough human milk from donors so their baby son didn't have to have formula, ever. Not exactly suspenseful in the usual sense, but it did somehow keep me turning the pages.
The author recognizes the irony of having had breasts removed just one and a half years before desperately wanting to breastfeed their baby. That strange juxtaposition is what makes this story unusual and publishable, but the book also makes it clear that many women also want to breastfeed despite not being able to produce enough milk, and that milk donations are far from rare even in more conventional families. All in all, a fairly enlightening read.
The author recognizes the irony of having had breasts removed just one and a half years before desperately wanting to breastfeed their baby. That strange juxtaposition is what makes this story unusual and publishable, but the book also makes it clear that many women also want to breastfeed despite not being able to produce enough milk, and that milk donations are far from rare even in more conventional families. All in all, a fairly enlightening read.
November 7, 2023
I raced through the 2nd half of the book, so maybe it deserves more than 3 stars. The 'suspense' was about whether the transgender dad (author Trevor) and his gay husband Ian could obtain enough human milk from donors so their baby son didn't have to have formula, ever. Not exactly suspenseful in the usual sense, but it did somehow keep me turning the pages.
The author recognizes the irony of having had breasts removed just one and a half years before desperately wanting to breastfeed their baby. That strange juxtaposition is what makes this story unusual and publishable, but the book also makes it clear that many women also want to breastfeed despite not being able to produce enough milk, and that milk donations are far from rare even in more conventional families. All in all, a fairly enlightening read.
The author recognizes the irony of having had breasts removed just one and a half years before desperately wanting to breastfeed their baby. That strange juxtaposition is what makes this story unusual and publishable, but the book also makes it clear that many women also want to breastfeed despite not being able to produce enough milk, and that milk donations are far from rare even in more conventional families. All in all, a fairly enlightening read.
March 17, 2023
Seemed more about his desire for a baby than the baby. The baby was apparently often hungry as there wasn't enough breast milk and he was obsessed with feeding only breast milk thereby shaming parents who didn't breast feed. Frantic times trying to get breast milk which I imagine would have resulted in stress for him and the baby. The baby's needs didn't seem to come first. At one point the baby is hysterical with hunger but they have to go find breast milk first. Just sat wrong. I am sure they are great parents but dude you gotta get over yourself.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 6, 2021
Loved it!
I was assigned to pick 7 books out of many for my doula certification! The moment I read this description I knew it was on my list of 7! I pride myself with my inclusive non-judgmental soul and I was eager to learn and read about this journey. It did not disappoint and was absolutely beautiful! ❤
I was assigned to pick 7 books out of many for my doula certification! The moment I read this description I knew it was on my list of 7! I pride myself with my inclusive non-judgmental soul and I was eager to learn and read about this journey. It did not disappoint and was absolutely beautiful! ❤
July 18, 2025
A must read!
Trevor is an inspiration! I wish I thought to read, join groups and educate myself on this manner. I left way to much power in the hands of my medical team that often fell short with valuable advice. I am a nurse and doula and can not wait to share what I learned here to encourage them and support them on their journeys.
Trevor is an inspiration! I wish I thought to read, join groups and educate myself on this manner. I left way to much power in the hands of my medical team that often fell short with valuable advice. I am a nurse and doula and can not wait to share what I learned here to encourage them and support them on their journeys.
July 16, 2020
Such a nice and funny story, being myself a Leader I can totally relate to Trevor's feelings and thoughts of chest/breastfeeding actually being a way of life.
I was eager to understand his point of view and I really enjoyed the book!
I was eager to understand his point of view and I really enjoyed the book!
March 14, 2023
This is a topic I was really glad to see however, not great writing, jumped around a lot in the timeline and I found it incredibly judge mental towards those who for any number of reasons, don’t breastfeed/give their baby’s breast milk
November 26, 2017
What an inspiring story, filled with love and courage.
January 11, 2019
Great book
I really enjoyed this book. Trevor has a great ability to tell his families story. Such a great process so glad he was able to feed his babies from his chest so long.
I really enjoyed this book. Trevor has a great ability to tell his families story. Such a great process so glad he was able to feed his babies from his chest so long.
October 25, 2024
3.5 rounded up
January 15, 2025
Offers the perspective of a trans man giving birth too and subsequently chest feeding his two children. **READING FOR DOULA CERTIFICATION**
May 10, 2016
I am not usually a finisher, I am one to start books, but they REALLY have to catch me to keep me turning pages all the way to the end. I finished this book and wanted more and was grateful to have the opportunity to interview Trevor on my radio show where I could ask him some of the questions I had once I got all the way through. (you can hear our interview here: https://soundcloud.com/ankors-frontde...)
The narrative is relatable and compelling. He does a really great job of weaving his own story with the stories of the other people that he interacts with through it. He tells just enough of his 'transition' story to give context to the real focus, his pregnancy, birthing and chestfeeding experiences.
This book is like no other, referencing birthing literature from a transgender context placing it all within a personal tale of love and resilience. Trevor's care for his children and the lengths that he goes to ensure their well being is heart warming and inspiring.
Definitely recommended reading for anyone approaching a fertility journey, wanting to expand their services as birth or nursing support professionals and to trans people wanting to hear a part of our communities story not before told as personally by the person who lived it.
The narrative is relatable and compelling. He does a really great job of weaving his own story with the stories of the other people that he interacts with through it. He tells just enough of his 'transition' story to give context to the real focus, his pregnancy, birthing and chestfeeding experiences.
This book is like no other, referencing birthing literature from a transgender context placing it all within a personal tale of love and resilience. Trevor's care for his children and the lengths that he goes to ensure their well being is heart warming and inspiring.
Definitely recommended reading for anyone approaching a fertility journey, wanting to expand their services as birth or nursing support professionals and to trans people wanting to hear a part of our communities story not before told as personally by the person who lived it.
January 9, 2017
The cover art is deceiving. This is more of a scholarly treatise (complete with footnotes) than a text for the general public. I don't know why there is a young adult on the cover--it is not for young adults.
A good manuscript but not quite ready for publication.
“Having grown up as gender ambiguous . . . living with ostracism, and bullying, perhaps it is not surprising that feeling normal, loved, and happy is the number one ambition of many transgender individuals."
This is an example why the text needs a good editor to challenge the author. Because, of course, it could be said that feeling normal, loved, and happy is the number one ambition of any number of cisgender individuals.
I'm giving it three stars instead of two because the text does include information that isn't readily available elsewhere.
A good manuscript but not quite ready for publication.
“Having grown up as gender ambiguous . . . living with ostracism, and bullying, perhaps it is not surprising that feeling normal, loved, and happy is the number one ambition of many transgender individuals."
This is an example why the text needs a good editor to challenge the author. Because, of course, it could be said that feeling normal, loved, and happy is the number one ambition of any number of cisgender individuals.
I'm giving it three stars instead of two because the text does include information that isn't readily available elsewhere.
Read
September 16, 2020Not quite for me. I think there are stories about parenthood that are accessible generally and then there are stories about parenthood that are for other parents. I didn’t really connect to the extended portion of the book about choosing how to feed his child and the lengths they went to ensure that they could stand by that choice. I also felt like MacDonald wasn’t the strongest writer and at times it bothered me, how he chose to weave together the threads of the story. This isnt a book that I would actively discourage somebody to read and it gave me what I wanted, which is to learn about an experience different than my own and different than the one often presented about pregnancy and parenthood. But it didn’t quite jive with me and that’s fine.
June 2, 2016
A wonderful account of two dedicated parents striving to do the absolute best for their children. I hope this book gets a wide audience because it contains so much great, well-researched information about early years parenting, especially breastfeeding and natural childbirth. I wish more parents and healthcare professionals were as well-informed as Trevor!
I found it moving to read Trevor's coming-out story and journey through transition. I am so glad that he is now able to find happiness and live the life that he wants.
I found it moving to read Trevor's coming-out story and journey through transition. I am so glad that he is now able to find happiness and live the life that he wants.
June 13, 2016
This book is thoughtful, compelling, earnest, surprising: all the things I look for in a memoir. It's also a fantastically intimate look at a kind of life and family that is so underrepresented in our current media. We are all so fortunate to have Trevor's work available to us.
September 6, 2023
A wonderful book, though the forward is terrible.
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