Self Abuse: Love, Loss and Fatherhood

by Jonathan Self

From the age of three Jonathan Self had only one ambition: not to be like his father. Despite his determination to be a better man -- and a better parent than his own had been -- Jonathan was a twice-divorced father of three and, at age thirty-five, spiraling. Self Abuse is the story of Jonathan's efforts to break free from the cycle of despair and dysfunction that characterized his youth. A brilliantly rendered, unapologetic memoir about the pain and joy of parenthood, Jonathan's story is as heartbreaking, redemptive, and unforgettable as it is true.

Genres: Biography Memoir, Nonfiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

Reviews

[MJ Nicholls · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as I have recently become a father. My civil partner birthed twelve beautiful raccoons last month. Every hour is a blessing. Feeding them shiitake mushrooms and ginseng leaves (I married a revolting hippie), watching the little smiles on their ickle faces as we tuck them up in our beds and retreat to our tents to discuss how the writing career I have chosen is not bringing in cash and that she wouldn’t mind if I was a male prostitute if it fattened the college fund for our dozen omnivorous cutiepies. Jonathan Self is the brother of the best satirist in the universe, Will Self, and over the course of these humble 247 pages, he candidly discusses his parental abuse and neglect, sexual abuse at the hands of teachers, his cocaine addiction, the abuse towards his own children, and two failed marriages. The writing is straightforward (all the literary talent went to brother Will) and lively, although Self seems still somewhat emotionally askew during the book’s composition, as the pages are riven with remorse and sadness. The message is standard: messed-up parents and no solid foundation of love results in messed-up kids who perpetuate the cycle and keep therapists in second and third homes for generations. It’s simple, people! Never be born to an aloof philandering professor or a neurotic and abusive Jewish mother in East Finchley, or there will be trouble. I am off to snuggle the raccoons.

[David James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self, Jonathan. Self Abuse.

Sub-titled ‘Love, Loss and Fatherhood,’ this memoir of Jonathan Self’s dislocated upbringing promised to be yet another agonising story of child poverty, neglect and random abuse. Oddly enough I found it gripping, funny and intriguing. It is saved from being ‘just another tale of woe’ by the quality of the writing and the ironical stance of the much-abused child who uncomplainingly accepts all the buffets and blame from his mother and the cool disregard of his mostly absent father. In some ways the book reminds me of Julia Blackburn’s account of her disfunctional family The Three of Us except that Self retains humour throughout his childhood trials. His acceptance of the randomness of life is illustrated by his jokey chapter titles, such as ‘Probably old enough to have a Bombshell’ and ‘Tell me about your dog’s hysterectomy.’

Although both his parents die - his mother cheerfully, his father with reluctance - Jonathan remains in distant contact with his three male children - all bastards by different mothers. This despite being legally and physically separated from them for long periods, where they are cared for, often reluctantly, by their Australian mother in Sydney, their father being obliged to commute from the UK to visit them, often surreptitiously.

Jonathan swaps partners with the same alacrity as he produces offspring. He occasionally springs news of his latest mistress on the reader. His sense of chronology is likewise haywire. Thus his father’s latest girlfriend is introduced by his mother, who has just put the phone down on Luciana in Italy, to tell her son about Clara, his current mistress, the woman’s location ‘repeated with considerable emphasis, a woman who lives in Kilburn.’

What ties all these loose ends together is the fact that Jonathan unwittingly discovers that, although details of his father are somewhat sparse, his own unplanned life gradually emerges as a carbon copy of his father’s. However, Jonathan’s life is dedicated not to business but - a saving grace - to his three boys.

[Deborah Allin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gives a deep insight into the background of two of England's best known novelists, Will and Jonathan Self.

This is an honest, no holds barred exploration of Jonathan's personal demons and in particular the impact of his mother's character on his formation as an individual.

Highly recommended.

[Dee Molloy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't read the whole book but listened to chapters being read by the author – that's why I've given it 4 stars instead of 5. It's a story of survival in an abusive, yet intellectual home. The story provides insights into drug abuse and other mental health problems. The intersection of mental illness and creativity is also interesting, as Jonathan's brother is the famous novelist Will Self. Beyond being well-written and humourous, I imagine this brave and honest story appeals to me because of my own family dysfunctions – it touches a nerve. To hear it in the author's own voice was even more touching.

[Tom · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fairly well written, but the synopsis is wrong for me. The book itself doesn't amount to anything, doesn't draw any conclusions or lessons. There's something missing here that might be obvious to the author, but he's forgot to tell the audience. Fine for adding pages to my 2021 reading stat, not a book I'll remember tomorrow I'm afraid.

[Duncan · Rating 4 out of 5]

sad. but well written.

[Maygen]

BORE. RING.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

oh god how poorly written

[Marjorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is...provocative, but I did find it amazing. And is it always fun to read the British language now and again. This is wrenching and deep-bones honest but worth the ride.

[Clarissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very touching story of how a bad childhood can effect you as an adult with your own children.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hard work to read.