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331 pages, Paperback
First published June 3, 2014

After Shepard has the temerity to use a quote from Shylock’s most famous speech as the epigraph, the prologue tries to answer some of the many outstanding questions from the previous book. Nick the randomly appearing boyfriend apparently met Ali at her teen mental home whilst he was undergoing treatment for the type of borderline personality disorder which makes you unquestioningly obey a psychopath. We also learn that all the previous instances when the question “How did Ali do that?” came up, the answer was “Nick helped her”. Which clears everything up.
Then it’s on to the PLLs. We start with the usual Stupid Shit Recap, and also find out that Ali now has her own fansite, and Amazon is selling Ali fanfiction, presumably in flagrant disregard of the law and the boundaries of good taste. Then again, if Amazon will sell PLL books then where are its standards? Then we’re straight into an early front-runner for stupidest plot of the book when Hanna is offered a speaking role in a big-screen adaptation of the PLL story, apparently on the strength of that PSA she did for her father’s campaign which I can’t even remember being actually released. Although admittedly it is only the part of Naomi Zeigler, which even Naomi Zeigler would admit was less than exciting. Meanwhile Aria’s mooning about trying to reconcile with her crazy ex-boyfriend Noel despite his collaborating with Ali and lying to her for 4 years, Spencer is being offered a book contract on the strength of her blog about bullying and Emily is going on a prison visit with the ridiculous Jordan, who for some reason is still in this series and is the love of her life despite them spending about 3 days together in total. So basically everyone’s comically childish dreams have come true except for Aria, who seems to have drawn the short straw this time around. Meanwhile the PLLs continue randomly judging everyone, writing off the entire Rosewood summer school as uncool weirdoes, referring to pale people as vampires and laughing at people’s outfits, just to remind us what a set of bitches they are.
Hanna begins filming immediately at her local soundstage, as Hollywood films are of course routinely completed within a fortnight and made chiefly in the suburbs. Her first action is to become best friends with teen star Hailey Blake, who is playing Hanna and is obviously trouble. Then we’re treated to a bit of the actual filming, all characters, sets and speeches pretty much exactly as in “real life” with no editing or re-writes, which is definitely how Hollywood films work. Aria makes a play for Hanna’s “stupidest plot” award when a rich art collector suddenly buys one of her paintings for $100,000 even though she’s a complete unknown who’s never sold a painting before. This is beyond ridiculous, but no one notices.
As usual everyone keeps thinking they see Ali or that Ali is texting them. New ways to force her threatening presence into the story are getting pretty weak: an ominous acrostic poem, a sighting of her in her bedroom window which turns out to be nothing, a painting of her which suddenly moves, although actually it doesn’t…Shepard is getting desperate. I guess Ali is as bored as I am of this eternal creeping and laughing and making veiled threats that never come to anything, as she suddenly decides to actually physically try and murder one of the protagonists, all of whom richly deserves it. Her choice is Emily, who she targets in her natural habitat of the natatorium. Everything proceeds just like every single film you’ve even seen in which someone is creepily attacked in a darkened pool, but sadly Emily lives and Ali escapes. Unfortunately the next Ali move is a classically dull and indirect one, visiting the film set and managing to predict the exact time and place at which Hanna will trip over, where she leaves her a standard vaguely threatening message.The only interesting part is that it seems to take place just as Emily is being attacked. Incredibly Hanna actually figures something out at this point: maybe Ali’s new fans (The Ali Cats. I know. Unbelievable.) are trying to hurt the PLLs now, and that’s how Ali can be everywhere unseen. Unfortunately she forgets this idea almost immediately, having used up all her brain-power for the day. Poor, stupid Hanna.
What next? Well luckily Ali has left a clue in the shape of a receipt directing the girls to somewhere aptly called Turkey Hill. Off they trustingly trot to investigate. But the search yields nothing except an extra chapter for the book. In other completely implausible plot filler Spencer is offered a part in an anti-bullying film, making her the second girl to start an acting career as well as an upcoming author. Despite this, Hanna becoming a film star, Aria’s multiple offers for New York art shows and Emily’s indulging of Shepard’s love for Orange is the New Black nobody acts as if anything unusual is happening, or any of them are getting more than what’s due to them. The entitlement is particularly strong this time around. Since when had lazy wish-fulfilment been a valid plot device?
Other than everyone’s dreams coming true, nothing much happens for a while. Emily finds out that Jordan might be out on parole soon, because rich white girls don’t stay in gaol long. Hanna goes out drinking and showing off with Hailey the teen starlet. We find out that the Ali Cats are protesting on the streets of New York, although I have no idea why except for Shepard’s new interest in placards. The “pro-life” movement gets an inappropriate mention. Everything is “über” something once again. Hanna kisses a boy other than Mike, but is absolutely sure it won’t come back to bite her like every other little mistake she ever made did. Aria’s art show opens, top priced painting going for $200,000! Plus apparently she’s already getting offers for her art to appear on album covers, and a sexy new art-blogger boyfriend is on the horizon, to go with Spencer’s new bullying-blog boyfriend. Basically everyone is living in a magical fairyland where they have all the jobs Barbie would want and everyone loves them. The only blot on the horizon is Ali’s magical ability to never leave any forensic evidence, which I put down to her not actually having any DNA, since she’s made entirely out of plastic and spite.
Things turn negative when Jordan is suddenly murdered in prison. Spurred on by this, Emily dies some really intensive detective work and googles Nick’s parents. It turns out that they own a property right by Turkey Hill, site of the fruitless receipt-based search the PLLs undertook many chapters earlier. Off they trot to search it. Nobody’s there, but the on-site creepy multi-storey barn reveals both Ali’s signature scent of vanilla, which she is still maintaining even though she has specifically been described as a greasy, unwashed mess, and most damning of all a packet of the exact same type of pretzels Ali was eating at the press conference when they thought she was Courtney, or whatever was happening. QED, they’ve found Ali’s secret lair. Now all they need to do is put it under video surveillance and wait for her to show up…
In the meantime we hear more about Jordan’s murderer, apparently a red-haired girl called Robin Cook. This is funny if you are aware of 90s British politics. Apparently Emily isn’t amused though, and in a sudden excess of rage caused by how intensely stupid the story is she trashes the maybe-Ali shed thing with a baseball bat whilst screaming that she will kill Ali and/or that Ali has won. This achieves nothing, even if is nice to see Emily doing something proactive for a change. In another farfetched turn of events Hailey the superstar brat is fired from the PLL films. Guess who they suggest as her replacement for the part of Hanna Marin? Yep, you’re dead right. In more cut-and-paste filler Spencer and Aria mess up their respective dates in the same way, by thinking they spot Ali just as the boy is moving in for a kiss and chasing after her like a crazy person. Other than the location (subway station / museum) and the name of the boy, it’s basically the same chapter twice. Meanwhile Ali has apparently committed the off-page murder of a convenience-store worker who told the PLLs she might have seen a blonde girl buying water, but she wasn’t sure. This seems a bit much even for Ali. Spencer finds this out whilst following a creepy guy who posts on her blog, in hopes that he’s connected to Ali somehow. The only thing we learn is that Hanna isn’t the only one stupid enough to not turn off her mobile when she’s stalking someone. Plenty of super-predictable things happen, like Ali killing Robin Cook to tie-up loose ends and Hailey sending Mike a photograph of the kiss that was obviously going to cause Hanna grief at some point.
This episode’s 2/3 social event is some sort of charity rally thing for the disadvantaged teens that Rosewood doesn’t actually have, as even Shepard admits. Despite all the murders happening both Hanna and Aria spend most of their time worrying about their current love-interests, even though both of them are total arseholes with nothing to offer. In case this was in any doubt Noel violently accosts Aria, kisses her, then shouts some clichéd nonsense about how he doesn’t know what he wants, before rushing back to his current girlfriend. Mike meanwhile stays home in a sulk. Aria is eventually distracted by the revelation that the purchase of her painting by a renowned dealer was actually a set-up from Ali. Although admittedly a set-up which earned her $100,000 of Ali’s money and huge amounts of free publicity. Surely she’s still coming out on top here? Then all of a sudden Spencer’s boyfriend reveals that he’s one of the Ali Cats and has been lying to her throughout this book. Both the action and the revelation seem completely pointless, so far as I can tell. Also he’s in love with Ali even though he hasn’t actually met her, again for no reason whatsoever. Unless she turns out to be a witch or some type of angry love-goddess in the last book I have no idea how everything is supposed to make sense. Even Sookie Stackhouse had to come into some type of physical contact with all the male characters before their inevitable obsession with her began.
It then turns out that Ali has rigged the security cameras the PLLs set up on her suspected lair to play on a loop. The climactic headless-chicken scene this time is thus the PLLs rushing off alone to check out the house, because they will always be idiots. They find a rather over-the-top murder scene: over-turned furniture, pool of blood on the floor, Ali’s still vanilla-scented dress soaked in blood next to it. Then someone starts to clean up the murder scene within about 3 metres of the PLLs, and instead of investigating they all panic and run away as though they’re all phobic of bleach. After this pathetic attempt at investigation they decide they might as well call the police and go home. Pretty anticlimactic stuff. In more news that I don’t care about, Hanna makes up with both Hailey the girl she’s been friends with for 5 minutes and Mike the idiot. Since she only fell out with them about 20 pages before, the whole things seems like yet another massive waste of time. On that note, Aria realises that the art-thing isn’t even a problem for her and is delighted to reconcile with Noel the lunatic after he’s spent this book messing her around. Yet more time I won’t get back. On top of this, Spencer gets a two-book deal on the strength of her stupid blog, and generously decides to share credit with all the blog-contributors who did the actual writing. How kind of her. Plus Greg the Evil Internet Boyfriend is now also dead. There’s a lot of casual murder in this book. Then finally we reach a crescendo of stupidity as Agent Fuji suddenly turns up and arrests all 4 PLLs for the murder of Ali, on the strength of the perfectly set-up murder scene from earlier and the video of Emily going crazy with a bat, which the girls have conveniently filmed for her. How did they get hold of Ali? When did they supposedly torture her? Why did they call the police to the site of a murder which they committed? What is the point of any of this? Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb…..
Stupidest Names
Felicia Silver
Quintana
Franklin Hodgewell
Bernie and Sierra
Alyssa Bloom
Trixie
Jared Diaz
Marissa
John Carruthers
Harrison Miller from Fire and Funnel Art blog
Inez Frankel from the Frankel-Franzer Gallery
Victor Grieg, from the Space/Think Gallery
Esmerelda Rhea from Artsmash blog
Charlie Klose
Georgio
BiBi
The Fishtown neighborhood.
Scarlett Lorie
Melodie
Worst Idea for a Book Series
“It was about field hockey–playing fairies who shape-shifted into supermodels.”
“it provided educational services to inmates, which meant it couldn’t be all that bad, right?”
“chatting with this season’s It Model about the beauty of T-straps.”
“deep in conversation about which New York City gym was swankier—La Palestra or Peak Performance.”
“Portraits of random people around Rosewood she’d quickly painted in the last few days”
“Scored an invite to #AriaMontgomery opening tonite. Huge deal!”
“Was she always that pushy? Was that why Noel didn’t want to see her anymore?”
“WE LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN ROSEWOOD!”








