Enjoy Sex (How, when and if you want to): A Practical and Inclusive Guide

by Meg-John Barker, Justin Hancock

Plenty of books on sex suggest that it has to be done in a certain way, or in a certain kind of relationship, or with certain people. This isn’t that kind of book.

Enjoy Sex is a truly practical, friendly guide through the confusing, and sometimes alarming, world of sex and sexuality. Its radical approach puts your experience at the heart of the book, and invites you to explore what might be enjoyable to you. With the authors’ engaging and thoughtful style, the book challenges the messages we receive about ‘normal’ sex, looks at how to understand and care for yourself, delves into ideas of pleasure for different bodies, ages and tastes, explores relationships, and tackles the tricky topics of communication and consent.

So, throw out the rule book and learn to listen to your own desires. This may just be the most helpful book about sex ever.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Queer, Relationships, Self Help, Feminism, Psychology

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 5, 2017

About the author

Dr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Their popular books include the (anti-)self-help relationship book Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love (with Jacqui Gabb), Queer: A Graphic History (with Julia Scheele), and Enjoy Sex, How, When and If You Want To (with Justin Hancock). Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and has published many academic books and papers on topics including non-monogamous relationships, sadomasochism, counselling, and mindfulness, as well as co-founding the journal Psychology & Sexuality and the activist-research organisation BiUK. They were the lead author of The Bisexuality Report – which has informed UK policy and practice around bisexuality – and are currently co-editing a book on non-binary gender with similar aims in that area. They are involved in running many public events on sexuality and relationships, including Sense about Sex and Critical Sexology. Meg-John is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist working with gender, sexually, and relationship diverse (GSRD) clients.

Reviews

[staykind · Rating 4 out of 5]

a very inclusive, non judgemental book that asks, through stories and questions: what kind of sexual activities would you want to have, putting aside norms and pressures. highly recommend.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had had this book when I was 16.

Though there weren’t any groundbreaking insights in this for me, it was good to go over some of the exercises and material included. The queer, nonjudgmental focus felt like a breath of fresh air.

This is a basic self-help type book and I kind of wish there was a more theoretically focused accompanying work that fleshes some of the concepts out.

A must-read for any (young) person who is exploring their sexuality.

[Alex Noya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book about sex is very different from the other guides I have in my collection. In my opinion, this should be the sexual education all young people get in school. The authors help you to understand the importance of gettting to know your representations and attitudes towards sex, body, orgasm, climax, relationships and particularly consent. These attitudes can have an enourmous impact on how you enjoy your body, sex and intimate relationships. I have appreciated that the authors hihlighted the importance of mindfulness and consent in how we enjoy sex. I think that the practical exercices included in this book, that frankly, took me a while to do, helped me a lot. I highly recommend this book for sex education classes or for people who want to improve their sex life. Be sure to also check out other books written by Meg-John Barker. They are an inspiration for how we approach the new sexual education today.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book that is both warmly and kindly written. I think the most important part of the book is the last chapter about consent, particularly given current events. MJ and Justin ask us to consider how our relationships to sex impact our actions elsewhere and vice versa. I'd give this to any young person especially, but everyone could use a read.

I'd also recommend the authors' podcast, the Meg-John and Justin Show. It dives more deeply into the ideas discussed in the book, though the podcast will make a lot more sense if you've read the book first!

[Calum Mackenzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is probably best used as a ‘work book’ with things to write down/try. There were loads of great future reading recommendations but overall I found it average. There’s some good advice but also a lot of what I think are common sense.

Not recommended but not a recommendation to avoid either.

[Tati · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very inclusive discussion that avoids judgement and teaches a very open approach, an open way of thinking and a language that allows discussion. No groundbraking insights for me but still nice to read.

[Kassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an awesome and inclusive book by Meg-John and Justin, full of practical suggestions and highlighted a range of diverse strategies to assist readers to unpack to enhance their potential for pleasure, sexuality and relationships.

This book offered an evaluation and critique of mainstream sexual advice which was necessary and hit the target every time, offering relevant and inclusive strategies in place of the less helpful ones the book critiqued. Unlike other texts on sexuality, this guide was easy to follow and relevant to a range of bodies and sexual experiences. Meg-John and Justin recognised the complexity and uniqueness in folks’ experiences, the conflicting messages folks receive about their sexuality and honoured and respected difficult experiences and feelings throughout.

This is a great resource for anyone working in the field of sexuality or wellbeing. It’s highly recommended for those who want to diversify their sexual and pleasure experiences as well as challenge, unlearn and relearn the unhelpful messages and sex advice that people are so often exposed to in the dominant culture, with accurate, affirming, inclusive and shame free sexual support and guidance.

[Milk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meg-John and Justin are geniuses! I know that's extreme but that's really how I feel whenever I finish consuming some of their work. Their delivery of advice is so gentle but goes deep - challenging you to reflect in ways you have never been prompted to. I found myself reading a page then staring into space for the next 10 mins just thinking! I think this book is a must read for anyone - regardless of whether you're having sex or not - simply for the fact that the tools MJ and J introduce you to are completely transferrable to all aspects of life and all relationships. I'll definitely be returning to this book. Thank you, wonderful authors, for doing this work!!

[Brenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a consent educator by profession, and this is one of my favorite healthy sexuality books that I’ve read so far! (Sex is Funny Word, S.E.X.: The All You Need To Know Sexuality Guide, and More Than Two are some of my other top picks.)

The book utilizes the socioecological model (without naming it and getting into the jargon) to describe self care, being present, messages around sex and sexuality, and treating yourself and others with consent.

I’d say it is both a great introductory text and thought provoking to read as someone who thinks about these topics a fair amount.

[Rwby Tucker · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good little book, would probably work better as a physical book to work through rather than reading it at night on a kindle and just thinking through the exercises.

Raises lots of good topics, even for someone who is very comfortable with sex. I think it could definitely be a very important book to work through if people are struggling in different areas.

While I don’t feel I needed or benefited from everything it was offering, was still a good read and made me think. Very glad people are putting literature like this out there for others.

[Inevitable_choice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple, very inclusive approach with a lot of emphasis on consent.
The authors explain that the key to good sex life is turning off autopilot, reconsidering messages we grew up with about what is "proper sex" and rather figuring out on what we enjoy, staying mindful and present during sex and of course communicating with our partners and ourselves about what we do want to do and what we don't want to do (consent).

[Innastholiel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very wonderful and very inclusive book (asexuals are mentioned! and not dismissed! wooooooo!), but depending on your history and attitude, it might be a very painful read, because it contains a lot of exercises that demand a fair amount of honesty.

[Lauren Carruthers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inclusive, non-judgmental, not gratuitously graphic.

Should be standard issue to teens, there'd be a lot less of them damaged by the shitty attitudes of others around sex and consent if they had recourse to info like this.

[Antti Koskinen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pitäisi olla perusteos kaikille, jotka ovat kiinnostuneet seksistä oikeastaan ihan missä muodossa vaan.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some great ideas in this. I wish it had been fleshed out more and went deeper. Still plenty of think about and I really like how it challenges you to define what sex is to you.

[Ian Newey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this very much. I recommend it to survivors of sexual trauma ( or invalidation) and their consenting partners.

[Ollie]

*

[Theres · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was brilliant. What do you consider "proper sex"? What expectations are you putting on for "success"? How does that shape your sex life? Some really good prompts.

[Steven Moss · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like challenging dominant discourses around sex, but this book started to get repetitive and so could be summed up in one sentence: sex is variety and not contained in a box or could be.

[Agnès · Rating 4 out of 5]

Curt i ràpid, més centrat en les vivències personals i en trencar els missatges de sexe normatiu. També inclou bastants recursos extres al final.

[Dorian]

I would definitely recommend this book to others, as it's pretty inclusive, and lines up with a lot of ideas I have about sex (specifically what counts as sex, and the chapter about consent and bringing that out into all aspects of society). Having said at, I think I read this book about 10 years after it would have been helpful for me, so I've decided not to give a rating.

[Scott Neigh]

I picked this up because I read a book about relationships by one of the authors about five years ago that I thought was very, very cleverly done – completely accessible to a general reader, engaging, challenging to dominant relationship norms but in a way that was respectful of the gamut of choices different people make in how to navigate them, thoroughly feminist and queer, and subtlely informed by some critical scholarly understandings of power and the like that you would only pick up on if you'd read some of the source material it was drawing on. This book about sex doesn't have quite the same sneaky relationship to theory as the earlier book (or at least not that I could detect), but it did carry forward a similar sensibility around challenging dominant norms that organize violence and shame into so many lives while counterposing not any kind of valorization of transgression for its own sake but practices of dynamic, consentful responsiveness to one's own body and to one's partner or partners. As well, it is accessible and engagingly written, and no less feminist and queer than the earlier volume. Unlike most books in the sex guide genre, it is not at all about so-called 'techniques', and it does not focus on the presumed needs of a narrow range of relationship types and bodies. Rather, it is expansive, and focuses more on challenging the reader to re-think all of the assumptions we've been brought up with around what sex is and can be and should be. I found the journalling exercises sprinkled throughout to be useful and challenging. I also picked the book up because I suspected it would have some smart things to say about consent, which is relevant to one of my own projects, and I was not disappointed – a sophisticated understanding of consent as moment-to-moment practice of careful attention to partner(s) and self is at the centre of its vision of sexuality. I think a lot of different people situated in a lot of different ways would benefit from reading and working with this book.