Boys: What It Means to Become a Man

by Rachel Giese

The successes of feminism have led to greater opportunities for girls, by challenging stifling stereotypes about femininity and broadening the understanding of what it means to be female. While boys have travelled alongside this transformation, narrow definitions of masculinity and manliness haven’t faced the same degree of scrutiny. Whether they’re being urged to “man up” or warned that “boys don’t cry,” young men are subjected to damaging messages about they must muzzle their emotions and never show weakness, dominate girls and compete with one another. What It Means to Become a Man examines how these toxic rules can hinder boys’ emotional and social development. If girls can expand the borders of femaleness, could boys also be set free of limiting, damaging expectations about manhood and masculinity? Could what’s been labelled “the boy crisis” be the beginning of a revolution in how we raise young men?  Drawing on extensive research and interviews with educators, activists, parents, psychologists, sociologists, and young men, Giese--mother to a son herself--examines the myths of masculinity and the challenges facing boys today. She reports from boys-only sex education classes and recreational sports leagues; talks to parents of transgender children and plays video games with her son. She tells stories of boys navigating the transition into manhood and how the upheaval in cultural norms about sex, sexuality and the myths of masculinity have changed the coming of age process for today’s boys. With lively reportage and clear-eyed analysis, Giese reveals that the movement for gender equality has the potential to liberate us all.  

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Feminism, Gender, Canada, Current Affairs, Psychology

272 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 2018

Reviews

[Ina Cawl · Rating 3 out of 5]

i am not impressed or convinced by this book

[Joanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this better... Ok, I’m glad this book was written and Giese does make some good points — like when she argues that the “boys in academic crisis “ trope is overblown, but I expected something a lot more powerful, based on what I’ve read of Giese’s journalism. For one thing, there is too much background information: anyone who picks up this book is almost certain to be pretty familiar with the fundamentals of gender studies — there is no need to start the reader at square one here.
Also, Giese is very skilled at discerning and pointing out flaws in others’ arguments, but less so when it comes to putting together a coherent thesis herself.
For example, in the chapter on video games, she does a good job of challenging the common wisdom that video games lead to violence. Her recommendation that parents familiarize themselves with the games is intriguing, but by the end of the chapter she seems to have forgotten one of the key problems with these particular games — the reductive and exploitative portrayal of the female figures. Since the main focus of the book is gender relations, one really feels the lack of resolution here.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 - nothing in here seemed earth shattering to me, but I suppose I’ve done a fair bit of reading on the subject. Still, an interesting read and I enjoyed her writing style.

[Kari · Rating 5 out of 5]

My feminist reading list has been woefully missing books about masculinity and how that holds boys and men hostage in some ways, so this book was a great start to more broad reading and knowledge. I found a lot of value from the topics discussed, and the fact that the book concentrated on Canadian and international examples. Feminism really does benefit everyone, and it’s helpful to realize that each person is an individual and can have a multitude of personality traits that may or may not fit what is stereotypical, and that’s amazing!

[Jo-anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the Nana to two young grandsons I think it is crucial that I understand the toxic expectations of masculinity and the complexities of gender. I want these lovely youngsters to live their truths. This requires me to think outside my female-oriented mindset. Giese’s thorough review of boys becoming men has opened my eyes and my mind to better understand the issues my grandsons will face as they grow. I feel much better prepared to be their ally and if I am truly blessed, their confidant.

[Nai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I read this for a research project. I've also been reading all day and I'm exhuasted, excuse the grammatical errors. I thoroughly enjoyed it and finished in one sitting (I skipped over the boys education crisis part, it wasn't relevant to my research), but I still think i read a good enough chunk of this book to give it a fair rating. *If you are a beginner in gender and sociology studies* like me, this book does an excellent job at breaking down complex theories that can already be found in textbooks. This book is passionate, and it is real. I found that much of the things discussed in this book are true and mirror my own experiences as a high school girl looking out at other adolescent boys.

The missing star is because the first 2 chapters of this book are kind of...rocky. Some of the opinions displayed were...under explained and under challenged. It is my opinion that books like these should offer two sides of an argument when proving a thesis. BOYS gets better at that as the book progresses, but still, the first two chapters make it worthy of 4/5 stars for me.

I'd love to read more of this author, she is clearly deeply researched and methodical in her explanations which is fantastic.

[JW · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're raising a boy, look to 'Boys' as a starting point for ideas on how to do it well in our current world--but don't expect a how-to parenting guide.

Ms. Giese discusses many common problems with modern masculinity and explores some uncommon solutions discovered through her work as a journalist. Enlightening as those ideas may be, an even greater emphasis on solutions would have been welcome, rather than a reiteration of the well-known issues (but that may speak to the larger problem facing masculinty--we don't yet have enough worthwhile and proven solutions for Ms. Giese to discuss).

It's up to you, fretful parent, to determine what you use and what you discard from this book--and then where you go next for further info.

Good luck, and try not to screw up you son(s) too much.

[Dylan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some might hesitate upon seeing Boys: What It Means to Become a Man in the 21st Century because it seems almost academic in nature. It would surprising, then, to discover that this book is engaging and easy-to-read. It is truly interesting and addresses key elements of manhood (ie. stereotypes of what manhood is supposed to look at) and how these mandatory manly things affect both boys and men throughout their lives.

Giese addresses many of these key features, including sports, video games, and (hyper-)sexuality, while writing based in fact and research supported by her own personal anecdotes in raising her son.

Certainly not a book that will be of interest to everyone but was enjoyable and interesting.

[Matthew · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author seemed to string together pieces from past articles and personal experiences as a mother of a boy; lacked cohesion, lacked focus. Not well done.

[Anastassia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great! Would keep on my own shelf and reread as a refresher every couple of years until I make conscious actions into automatic habits and daily lessons for my boys.

[Harv · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's something refreshing about a book that showcases alternatives instead of answers. It goes a long way to debunking some of the more traditional myths surrounding masculinity and the cause of problems for/by/about Boys (rather than starting out with the problematic and ultimately, wrong premise that Boys are naturally built to be problems themselves).

I was surprised at the level of intersectional interaction (though would have preferred a deeper involvement there which is the only reason I didn't prompt a 5 star) but also at the baseline that says 'The myths of Masculinity need dismantling in their current form and these are the sources that prove there are alternatives out there.'

One of the big fears I see and have experienced myself is that in abandoning the old, traditional and toxic elements of Masculinity, what alternative paths exist and how can we not just define them for the academic pursuit but also the practical and down to earth pursuit? How can every boy, adolescent or man in their own ways and method begin to tackle the problems they can plainly (or not so plainly) see but feel paralyzed doing something about?

I loved this book. It helped to solidify a lot of information I couldn't accurately put together in my head while also reinforcing my desire to be better.

[Alyssa Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

With all the disturbing stories about men engaging in physical and sexual abuse against women, there’s a sizeable population who is inclined to automatically distrust all men and generalize them as monsters. I’ve seen several examples recently as well, from Diddy to Taeil to the Gisele Pelicot case, but often find myself wondering what conditions lead certain men to commit these despicable acts. And I can see why saying “not all men” is controversial, as it attributes acts of sexism and sexual violence to bad individual actors and divides men into simply being “good” or “bad”. As the author writes based on her firsthand experiences of raising a son, a lot of it is societal and systemic factors that indoctrinate men with harmful beliefs not only about women but about what it means to be a “real man”, and it should be the men who teach other men healthier alternatives. The programs she mentioned, including an after-school club where adult male facilitators encourage teenage boys to discuss uncomfortable and taboo topics, offer hope to creating a world where men can serve as positive, rather than negative, influences for each other.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this quite a slog, wanted to like it more, wanted it to be more readable and absolutely wanted some take home messages about successfully parenting boys.
It has been a while since I read any child development books, so looked forward to reading about why so many boys fail to launch and what steps parents can take to lower the risk of this happening, how to talk to pre-tween boys about issues surrounding equality, emotional health etc how to talk to tween boys about sexuality, non-binary genders etc etc.
This is more a description on the state of boy and manhood today, how it differs from the past and how it is evolving particularly with social media, gaming and changing social norms. There was nothing shocking or that new to me although it is carefully researched and interesting in parts.
I feel like it was an opportunity missed to provide parenting tips, links to resources etc at the end of the book where the last chapter was way too brief.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

In today's society gender and gender expectations are constantly evolving. Being a mother of a young boy, I am invested into raising a good person who is comfortable in their body and can turn to me with any questions or concerns. Being a woman, I cannot say what it means to be a boy or how it feels; I only know what it has been to be a girl raised in today's culture and environment. This book does an incredible job of discussing various issues that today's young men are being faced with from education, sexuality to gender stereotypes. Ms Giese uses various studies and personal observations to formulate her book. Overall this is a well-thought out and developed study of our development of the "Man Box" and the various repercussions that it has caused for our boys. Not all is bad though, for if we can identify where we lack then we can correct or adjust to make it better. I found this to be a very informing book and would highly recommend it to parents.

[Pam · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the fifth and last book that I needed to read for the Eldercollege Pre-Writers Festival class. It is not one I would have picked up otherwise. Giese has done thorough research into every fact as well as fiction regarding the challenges boys face as they meet the realities of growing up. She addresses such issues as special needs, color, sports, video gaming and sexual identity. While her premises are well documented, I was disappointed in her wrap-up. She presents lots of challenges but offers no meaningful solutions. If her desire was to raise awareness, she has done that. However, the reader is left in the present with no hope for how future boys can maneuver their transition into manhood.

[Mike · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book made broad, offensive generalizations about men that are unfounded and with no empirical evidence provided.

In the preference the author states “not all men are violent or hateful...”. Well, of course they aren’t! Lol. Why did that even need to be said?! Did the author assume that her audience assumed all men are violent and hateful? If so, what does this say about the author’s audience?

She also states that boys have long been told they have a birthright to money, status, power, & women - again, with out any empirical evidence. Where is she getting this assumption from?

I found the generalizations about men and boys (with no empirical evidence) to be very offensive. I sure hope my boys don’t read this book.

[Scott Harris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Understanding the changing reality facing boys and young men today is interesting and insightful. As being a middle-aged man, there are some touch points that I could resonate with and as a father of a man in his twenties, there were reflections about how his experiences differed from my own and from that of younger boys today. It raises real questions about what it means to be become a man today and what it might mean in the future. I confess that it felt a little too clinical and academic in some aspects but it was a sincerely touching and informed analysis from one mother about her son to other parents making sense of the influences coalescing around their boys.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very researched-based book full of facts about the state of boys today. I was searching for a book that would address issues earlier on the age spectrum of boyhood (more elementary) but this was a broader read more focused on middle+ with eye-opening information about what boys from various backgrounds across America/Canada (the author is Canadian) are experiencing today. I read this because it was published more recently (2018) than some other books on raising boys; yet ahead of its time - would be great to see an updated version since the #metoo movement and her thoughts on progress we have seen recently in terms of battling toxic masculinity, etc.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

My overall take-away is that the 'Boy Box' is defined as the absence of stuff: caring & tender emotions; femininity; and being unique (different from the group). JW's review raises a good point: "an even greater emphasis on solutions would have been welcome." Treating every individual with tenderness is one approach. I sense, however, that group think (e.g. locker room settings) makes typical (group) settings of interaction more difficult than individual interactions.

[Dwain Weckman · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the author does a reasonable job of explaining some of the social expectations that are shaping boy's behaviour as they grow into men, it dwells too much on some of the behavioral problems that are created for some boys, and offers very few suggestions that would help guide parents and grandparents to avoid those problems. Clearly the vast majority of boys are transitioning into responsible, respectful and caring men, so what are the key strategies that parents are using to achieve these results?

[Tej Swatch · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's nothing about this book I disagreed with, and there wasn't much new to learn. I'm in the choir, and this is a song book.

If nothing else, it is a one-stop source for an understanding of modern masculinity and its context. However, I wish it read less like a series of long news articles and had more of narrative cohesion. Giese is a great journalist and a clear writer. I fear the book didn't have anything for me.

[Ramune Luminaire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read, considering what it means to be growing up male right now, when ideas about masculinity are in flux and power differences between the sexes are shifting. It’s a topic I find fascinating and relevant. This book is more academic than I expected, quoting a lot of research and statistics, but still thoughtful and though-provoking and beautifully written. Swipe for her conclusions about the Man Box our boys are in danger of developing into and be afraid.

[Chad Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended for anyone raising, working with, or otherwise concerned about boys. Rachel Giese's writing and research covers a multitude of arenas (friendships. school, sports, gaming, sex and relationships) in a thorough, frank but considerate way that challenges some of the common narratives around boys and masculinity.

[Ally Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite honestly simply floored that I haven't heard more feedback about this, frankly, outstanding (book?novel?) idk. I read this book stretched out by the Bow River in Calgary, feeling resentful towards boys and men, and yet deeply appreciative of the positive masculinity that is present in my life. The writing is clear, critical, yet hopeful. A must read.

[Gerry Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

A worthwhile read for her ideas on the genetic, cultural and personal forces at work on how boys become men. I like that she includes her own son's history into the book as it gives her ideas a personal perspective.

[Ciaron Czajkowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy and interesting to read but a bit repetitive at times. I would have thought there would be more direction for parents regarding how to actually raise boys but an interesting conversation starter nonetheless.

[Jana · Rating 4 out of 5]

There may be better books out there on this topic, but as the first one I’ve read I found this book really interesting. Being recently written, the examples are current, and I liked that many were Canadian based. The book got better as it went on.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent look at gender stereotypes for men and how the "Man Box" has affected males for generations. As an educator, I found some of the chapters really interesting and informative. I will be recommending this book to other educators as well.

[Ebony Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gave me a lot to consider as a parent to a boy. Well researched and interesting. I wish there had been a few more concrete suggestions on how to parent through these issues, but I feel more that with this book, having the knowledge is the important thing.

[Ben Gresik · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good introduction to gender issues as the apply to Boys. The book isn't singularly focused on male issues though. It explains them within the context of other groups which is probably healthy. It also does a good job of introducing you to lots of other resources for reading on the topic later.