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This is Where I Am
Prison is where Zeke Caligiuri is. Powderhorn Park in South Minneapolis, dubbed “Murderapolis” the year he turned eighteen, is where he comes from. It was the same neighborhood his father grew up in but had changed dramatically by the early 1990s. Yet in Zeke’s family, father and mother and grandmother kept things together while all around them the houses decayed and once-safe streets gave way to the crush of poverty and crime.
This Is Where I Am is Zeke Caligiuri’s clear-eyed account of how he got from there to here, how a boy who had every hope went from dreaming of freedom to losing it, along with nearly everything and everyone he loved. Tenderhearted in its reflections on his lost childhood, brutally candid in its description of a life of hanging and hustling, Zeke’s memoir recreates a world of tagging and goofing gone awry, of moving from smoking pot to unsuccessful attempts at dealing crack, of watching his father weep at the funeral of a seventeen-year-old boy, of going to jail: first strike. It is a place where, when asked what he's going to do with his life, a friend can only answer: “What the fuck are you talking about?”
This Is Where I Am is Zeke's own answer: he is going to tell his story, every sharp detail and sobering word, with the natural grace of a gifted writer and the hard-won wisdom of hindsight.
This Is Where I Am is Zeke Caligiuri’s clear-eyed account of how he got from there to here, how a boy who had every hope went from dreaming of freedom to losing it, along with nearly everything and everyone he loved. Tenderhearted in its reflections on his lost childhood, brutally candid in its description of a life of hanging and hustling, Zeke’s memoir recreates a world of tagging and goofing gone awry, of moving from smoking pot to unsuccessful attempts at dealing crack, of watching his father weep at the funeral of a seventeen-year-old boy, of going to jail: first strike. It is a place where, when asked what he's going to do with his life, a friend can only answer: “What the fuck are you talking about?”
This Is Where I Am is Zeke's own answer: he is going to tell his story, every sharp detail and sobering word, with the natural grace of a gifted writer and the hard-won wisdom of hindsight.
296 pages, Paperback
First published October 11, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
October 7, 2016
Zeke Caligiuri's stellar writing turned what would've been a 3 Star Rating into a 4 Star Rating--he sure is a talented writer. This is a prison memoir, as Caligiuri is currently incarcerated and serving a 30 year sentence for something that isn't clearly named in the book. And that exemplifies what, in my opinion, detracts the most from this book: the author glosses over or leaves vague certain things that are central to the story and would have made a much better book had they been included. Much of the linear narrative of the author's life and story is not included and makes the reader feel as though many important moments are missing.
Early in the book he gives a few childhood stories but doesn't really say when and why his first brushes with crime occurred and what impact they had on him. He does explain the story about his first big arrest (he was caught with a gun while attempting to sell drugs to an undercover agent), how fearful he is over what will happen to him but the chapter ends and the next chapter takes place years later and only makes vague reference to the entire incident. That next chapter is a long, meandering story about his trip to NYC to see some long-ago girlfriend; I, as a reader, would have rather heard about what had happened with that arrest and how he had handled the ensuing incarceration.
Caligiuri's brilliant and masterful writing took what would have been just a mediocre book and made it a good book. I can't even count the numerous sentences and passages I highlighted to read again, the writing was just that great. But there's an undercurrent of sadness beneath his beautiful writing. It's nothing short of heartbreaking that someone with such obvious talent and undeniable intelligence would end up incarcerated for such a long time. And, what was missing from this book are all of the why's--had he included them and even given them a cursory examination, this would have been a great book. Still, I would definitely recommend this book. As I stated before, Zeke Caligiuri is a tremendous writer, he truly is, and I'd certainly buy this book and any other books he should write.
Thank you to Netgalley and University of Minnesota Press for an advance copy of this in exchange for an honest review.
Early in the book he gives a few childhood stories but doesn't really say when and why his first brushes with crime occurred and what impact they had on him. He does explain the story about his first big arrest (he was caught with a gun while attempting to sell drugs to an undercover agent), how fearful he is over what will happen to him but the chapter ends and the next chapter takes place years later and only makes vague reference to the entire incident. That next chapter is a long, meandering story about his trip to NYC to see some long-ago girlfriend; I, as a reader, would have rather heard about what had happened with that arrest and how he had handled the ensuing incarceration.
Caligiuri's brilliant and masterful writing took what would have been just a mediocre book and made it a good book. I can't even count the numerous sentences and passages I highlighted to read again, the writing was just that great. But there's an undercurrent of sadness beneath his beautiful writing. It's nothing short of heartbreaking that someone with such obvious talent and undeniable intelligence would end up incarcerated for such a long time. And, what was missing from this book are all of the why's--had he included them and even given them a cursory examination, this would have been a great book. Still, I would definitely recommend this book. As I stated before, Zeke Caligiuri is a tremendous writer, he truly is, and I'd certainly buy this book and any other books he should write.
Thank you to Netgalley and University of Minnesota Press for an advance copy of this in exchange for an honest review.
July 29, 2016
This is really an extraordinary memoir. The honesty an authenticity is overwhelming, the writing is a smooth and unique mixture of youth slang, poetry and philosophy.
Zeke Caligiuri talks about his childhood, his dreams, the expectations he couldn't meet, his feelings, about growing up in the 90s in Minneapolis, his friends, his depression and life in prison.
He writes for all who live outside the walls of prison and who are often too "... blind to understand it could happen to them and their families as well."
I see alarmingly many similarities to my own sons who grew up in a totally different environment.
They too sometimes seem "high off a cocktail of fatalism and desperation" and they could easily say nearly every day: "I did what I did most of the time: I said I would go, then didn't." Or "I'm sure there was the ceremonial shattering of those glass expectations we leave our childhood with, but I was trying to block most of the outward emotional projections."
Yes, it could have happened to them.
Zeke grew up in a normal loving and caring family, no slums or trailor parks, they weren't immigrants or black, his parents weren't alcoholics or drug addicts and they didn't abuse him. No stereotypes there. He just made some wrong decisions.
Zeke shows us that people in prison aren't all monsters but human beings struggling not to lose their mind.
I really doubt that imprisonment is helpful for anybody.
I want to thank Netgalley and Minneapolis University Press for this excellent ARC in exhnge for my honest review.
Zeke Caligiuri talks about his childhood, his dreams, the expectations he couldn't meet, his feelings, about growing up in the 90s in Minneapolis, his friends, his depression and life in prison.
He writes for all who live outside the walls of prison and who are often too "... blind to understand it could happen to them and their families as well."
I see alarmingly many similarities to my own sons who grew up in a totally different environment.
They too sometimes seem "high off a cocktail of fatalism and desperation" and they could easily say nearly every day: "I did what I did most of the time: I said I would go, then didn't." Or "I'm sure there was the ceremonial shattering of those glass expectations we leave our childhood with, but I was trying to block most of the outward emotional projections."
Yes, it could have happened to them.
Zeke grew up in a normal loving and caring family, no slums or trailor parks, they weren't immigrants or black, his parents weren't alcoholics or drug addicts and they didn't abuse him. No stereotypes there. He just made some wrong decisions.
Zeke shows us that people in prison aren't all monsters but human beings struggling not to lose their mind.
I really doubt that imprisonment is helpful for anybody.
I want to thank Netgalley and Minneapolis University Press for this excellent ARC in exhnge for my honest review.
November 6, 2016
I found this book frustrating. The author has talent as a writer—some of his sentences are poetic and eloquent—but as a whole, this is a meandering mess of random thoughts without structure.
One of the reasons we read books is to understand worlds we never get to live—in this case, we all hope we don’t get thirty-year prison sentences. But this book didn’t give me much of an idea what prison life is like day to day.
We know from the start he is surviving a long prison sentence, but the entire first half of the book is him jumping around with memories of his youth—presumably to explain how a white kid with decent parents (no abuse) ended up getting a thirty-year sentence, of which, he’ll likely serve twenty-three years. He never specifically says what he did to get such a long sentence, which is also frustrating. He never describes his trial—he says he feels bad about screwing up in his youth, but that is vague. Besides hurting his parents and grandmother, did he hurt others with that gun he got caught with when he was selling crack at eighteen? That time he got out on probation and turned his life around for a time managing to hold down a job as a stock boy at a shoe store. Does he feel any guilt about whatever crime he committed to actual get him a thirty-year sentence? He waxes philosophical about all the wasted lives in prison and how much of his life has been squandered, but because we don’t know anything about what he did to get his sentence, we have no idea if his sentence completely disproportionally long to what he actually did to get it.
We do know that he battled clinical depression that came like clockwork in the fall when winter was descending on Minneapolis (some t-shirts were made calling it Murderapolis). In the mid-90s, the part of town he lived in was overwhelmed by a crack epidemic, which naturally led to other crimes, particularly when the criminals had easy access to guns.
As a teenager, Caligiuri self-medicated his anxiety disorder with smoking weed daily. That may have contributed to what he describes as his incredible laziness in high school (he ultimately got his GED, disappointing his mother terribly—she had no idea how much more disappointment she was in store for). He sold crack to support his weed habit, but he was a terrible businessman, admitting that he never made much money in his criminal pursuits.
When he first spent a night or two in lockup at the age of 18 before getting bailed out, he weighed 120 pounds and was six feet tall. Once he gets his thirty-year sentence, he puts on fifty pounds and none of it is muscle. Did he somehow magically get through all the time before he put this book out (if I understand it right, he’s served seventeen years and thus has seven to go) without being involved in any violence whatsoever? If so, how did he manage that?
He talks a little about how the food is rotten and about how cuts in education opportunities behind bars limit any possibility these cons have of becoming productive citizens when they get out, but mostly, he whines about how the depression he suffered as a youth (all through his life) meant he was always vaguely suicidal—if you don’t care about your life, it’s easy to make stupid decisions. Somehow, even after he essentially got a get-out-of-jail-free card the first time he got busted carrying a gun and selling a rock, it didn’t occur to him that he might not die but get a long prison sentence.
He thanks his editor in the acknowledgements, but the whole time I read this book—and it was not easy to get through since it wasn’t a story it was disconnected ramblings—I thought, Where is the editor? Why didn’t he read several books on how to write a memoir?
I think the prison system in America needs a serious overhaul, particularly when it comes to nonviolent drug crimes. If you seek enlightenment on how as a country we can reform our prison system, this is not the book to shed any light on that.
Thanks to Netgalley for a chance to read this memoir.
For more of my reviews, please visit http://theresaalan.net/blog/
One of the reasons we read books is to understand worlds we never get to live—in this case, we all hope we don’t get thirty-year prison sentences. But this book didn’t give me much of an idea what prison life is like day to day.
We know from the start he is surviving a long prison sentence, but the entire first half of the book is him jumping around with memories of his youth—presumably to explain how a white kid with decent parents (no abuse) ended up getting a thirty-year sentence, of which, he’ll likely serve twenty-three years. He never specifically says what he did to get such a long sentence, which is also frustrating. He never describes his trial—he says he feels bad about screwing up in his youth, but that is vague. Besides hurting his parents and grandmother, did he hurt others with that gun he got caught with when he was selling crack at eighteen? That time he got out on probation and turned his life around for a time managing to hold down a job as a stock boy at a shoe store. Does he feel any guilt about whatever crime he committed to actual get him a thirty-year sentence? He waxes philosophical about all the wasted lives in prison and how much of his life has been squandered, but because we don’t know anything about what he did to get his sentence, we have no idea if his sentence completely disproportionally long to what he actually did to get it.
We do know that he battled clinical depression that came like clockwork in the fall when winter was descending on Minneapolis (some t-shirts were made calling it Murderapolis). In the mid-90s, the part of town he lived in was overwhelmed by a crack epidemic, which naturally led to other crimes, particularly when the criminals had easy access to guns.
As a teenager, Caligiuri self-medicated his anxiety disorder with smoking weed daily. That may have contributed to what he describes as his incredible laziness in high school (he ultimately got his GED, disappointing his mother terribly—she had no idea how much more disappointment she was in store for). He sold crack to support his weed habit, but he was a terrible businessman, admitting that he never made much money in his criminal pursuits.
When he first spent a night or two in lockup at the age of 18 before getting bailed out, he weighed 120 pounds and was six feet tall. Once he gets his thirty-year sentence, he puts on fifty pounds and none of it is muscle. Did he somehow magically get through all the time before he put this book out (if I understand it right, he’s served seventeen years and thus has seven to go) without being involved in any violence whatsoever? If so, how did he manage that?
He talks a little about how the food is rotten and about how cuts in education opportunities behind bars limit any possibility these cons have of becoming productive citizens when they get out, but mostly, he whines about how the depression he suffered as a youth (all through his life) meant he was always vaguely suicidal—if you don’t care about your life, it’s easy to make stupid decisions. Somehow, even after he essentially got a get-out-of-jail-free card the first time he got busted carrying a gun and selling a rock, it didn’t occur to him that he might not die but get a long prison sentence.
He thanks his editor in the acknowledgements, but the whole time I read this book—and it was not easy to get through since it wasn’t a story it was disconnected ramblings—I thought, Where is the editor? Why didn’t he read several books on how to write a memoir?
I think the prison system in America needs a serious overhaul, particularly when it comes to nonviolent drug crimes. If you seek enlightenment on how as a country we can reform our prison system, this is not the book to shed any light on that.
Thanks to Netgalley for a chance to read this memoir.
For more of my reviews, please visit http://theresaalan.net/blog/
July 26, 2017
Memoir of growing up by Powderhorn Park in the early to mid 90s. Former South High student. Frustrating to read at times but hits close to home and reminds me how little I often know about what's happening in students' lives.
October 8, 2019
An important book, but overlong and rambling. Caliguliuri can craft beautiful sentences like a poet, but too much of this book felt like an early draft that would have been better if distilled and shaped. It's likely this is due to author being in prison, so writing and editing arent what they would be in the outside world. Perhaps good as excerpts, not as a whole.
December 17, 2021
This is a re-read, and I'm so glad I read it again. I read quickly and am not good about retaining information. There were a couple of scenes I remembered from this book the first time around, but everything else was a little foggy. I read this book now with a new perspective, as I just completed my first semester teaching in a men's prison. In my class were men like Zeke: people who had committed crimes and who were serving their sentences, but who also were doing things to improve their lives, such as writing, taking college classes, etc. This book captures the humanity and thoughts of someone who is incarcerated. Most of the book takes place before Zeke's incarceration (for an unknown crime; he doesn't go into details). He grew up across from Powderhorn Park in Minneapolis and readers get a snapshot of that neighborhood in the mid-1990s, when crime skyrocketed.
This is a highly literary work; it's not just an account of life inside of a prison. It's an account of Zeke's mind and the thoughts he has looking back upon his life as well as the place he finds himself now.
This is a highly literary work; it's not just an account of life inside of a prison. It's an account of Zeke's mind and the thoughts he has looking back upon his life as well as the place he finds himself now.
November 28, 2016
Zeke Caliguri went to Andersen Open and South High about 5 years before I did. I shared this with a friend who also went to both schools, and her response was, "Well, Minneapolis was different then." That's true. I was too young to remember the notoriety or "Murderapolis." But like Zeke, I suffered depression at a young age and endured it in unhealthy ways in spite of having a supportive family. I went to the same schools he did where staff, uncertain on how to handle rowdy young kids, turn to visceral, personal attacks on children that have long-lasting effects. That happened to me. I remember the endless cyclical periods of depression, thinking every summer would come with new possibility and every fall and winter would take that away.
Some chapters stand out more than others, and some are clouded in vague descriptions and timelines. The author said that he refrained from discussing the crime that gave him 30 years in consideration of the people it hurt. I think it was effective for the purpose of this story since that one incident could arguably dominate the whole book, and that's not the story the author is trying to tell.
Some chapters stand out more than others, and some are clouded in vague descriptions and timelines. The author said that he refrained from discussing the crime that gave him 30 years in consideration of the people it hurt. I think it was effective for the purpose of this story since that one incident could arguably dominate the whole book, and that's not the story the author is trying to tell.
October 19, 2016
Seriously, one of the best memoirs I've ever read!
June 24, 2018
Just finished the second slog of a memoir. This one was so frustrating, especially at the end where the chapters on his father’s death and a three-day lockdown were wonderful. I struggled with his choices of what to include- and what not to include, like what put him in jail for 30 years. Perhaps it’s not important, but given the intricate analysis and dissection of other smaller events in his life, I feel like a mention of what he did and how he reflected on the events later would have been appropriate.
May 12, 2024
First of all, that this book exists of all is amazing, given the strictures on incarcerated people and the limits on their communication with the outside world. I can only imagine how difficult the production and editing process was with limits on communication and I applaud the U of M Press for bringing this project to fruition. Yes, the pacing could have used a heavier editorial hand, but holy cow, Calugiuri can write the heck out of a sentence.
July 13, 2019
I found this very compelling and powerful. And I found it didn't matter much to me that we're never given the exact details of what led to the 30 years sentence. This is about the mindset and experiences that led to incarceration and the mindset to endure the loss of the outside world.
April 3, 2018
I really didn't read the whole book because it was, in my opinion, TERRIBLE.
January 11, 2017
I received a copy of this book from the publisher via netgalley.com in exchange for an honest review.
I didn't get all the way through this novel, so I am not particularly comfortable rating it. However, it is a memoir rather than a "story"as such so I feel like it will be consistent the entire way through.
The experiences and writing are very honest, though a bit rambling at times. An interesting insight into living in a poverty stricken, high crime/violence town with a multitude of social issues including class/racism. Though this felt more like one event after the next rather than a real insight into Zeke's mind and experiences and what they meant to him.
Perhaps someone else will enjoy this novel. It's my no means a bad read, just not for me :)
I didn't get all the way through this novel, so I am not particularly comfortable rating it. However, it is a memoir rather than a "story"as such so I feel like it will be consistent the entire way through.
The experiences and writing are very honest, though a bit rambling at times. An interesting insight into living in a poverty stricken, high crime/violence town with a multitude of social issues including class/racism. Though this felt more like one event after the next rather than a real insight into Zeke's mind and experiences and what they meant to him.
Perhaps someone else will enjoy this novel. It's my no means a bad read, just not for me :)
February 10, 2017
I wanted to like this, I really did. Caligiuri is currently serving a 30-something year sentence for robbery and second-degree murder. Caligiuri grew up in South Minneapolis which was dubbed 'Murderapolis' in the early 90s. His memoir attempts to understand why he landed in prison, but like life in general, it's still not very clear. The writing and editing ruined this book for me. Caligiuri tries to be profound with every single sentence, using overly lyrical and metaphorical language. This made it hard for me to follow what was actually happening...did his friend get shot, or did he get shot in the metaphorical sense? Seriously, I asked myself this question. And the chapters felt like they were written separately and then ordered in what seemed a logical way. People and events mentioned in earlier chapters were recounted in later chapters like the reader didn't know about the person or events.
What I found most fascinating was the connection to South Minneapolis. I work in South Minneapolis and take the bus through it every weekday so it was haunting to realize crossroads he mentioned are streets I see everyday. I do think being immersed in the same place gave me a sense of ownership or understanding of how his life ended up the way it did. But, if you don’t live in Minneapolis, not even the Twin Cities area or Minnesota as a whole, but Minneapolis the city-proper, I do not think this book is worth reading. I admire Caligiuri for his tenacity while in prison. I imagine the process of writing this book was painful, having to relive all the choices that led to an orange jumpsuit. But admiring his tenacity is not enough to save this book for me.
What I found most fascinating was the connection to South Minneapolis. I work in South Minneapolis and take the bus through it every weekday so it was haunting to realize crossroads he mentioned are streets I see everyday. I do think being immersed in the same place gave me a sense of ownership or understanding of how his life ended up the way it did. But, if you don’t live in Minneapolis, not even the Twin Cities area or Minnesota as a whole, but Minneapolis the city-proper, I do not think this book is worth reading. I admire Caligiuri for his tenacity while in prison. I imagine the process of writing this book was painful, having to relive all the choices that led to an orange jumpsuit. But admiring his tenacity is not enough to save this book for me.
November 15, 2016
This memoir by Zeke Caligiuri left much to be desired. He is currently incarcerated in the Faribault Correctional Facility in Minnesota serving a 30 year sentence. This book is supposed to explain how he went from being a good kid to a criminal doing time. He grew up an only child of two working parents in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His parents had high hopes for him with his mother always telling him he would go to college. Instead he flunked out of high school (although later he earned his GED.) It does sound like Zeke suffered from depression but instead of confiding in his parents to seek help he took drugs and drank. He just seemed like a lazy kid who didn't want to put forth any effort, didn't want to work except to sell drugs, and just hang out with other ne'er do wells. I felt disgusted as I read this book because I couldn't understand how he could just keep messing up and never change. I would only recommend this book who is in the situation or has a family member on this track and you want them to wake up.
April 13, 2017
Part of the allure of this memoir is that it takes place right here in Minneapolis, MN. Zeke's writing style is straightforward, honest and clear. I could almost feel his growing up years living by Powderhorn Park. I could feel his boredom, frustration, fears and growing pains. Anybody who works in the criminal justice system, the school system, the corrections system should read this book and honestly view what made this young man who he is.
July 9, 2017
This story is real - a boy who doesn't know what he wants, except to be "free", hang out with friends, smoking weed and always drinking, drifting from one day to the next. He had parents who loved him, grandparents who adored him, yet he did not want to live up to their expectations. What happens to people like this is so sad - a prison term of 30 years! He went in at 20 and will be released at 50- to do what? A disturbing tale, told by one of Deborah Appleman's students in her prison writing class.
I was deeply disturbed by this tale. How blessed I have been with my family I grew up in and my family I had and now our grandchildren are our joy.
I was deeply disturbed by this tale. How blessed I have been with my family I grew up in and my family I had and now our grandchildren are our joy.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews