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What Abi Taught Us: A mother's struggle to come to terms with her daughter's death
The inspiring story of how Lucy Hone coped with the tragic death of her daughter and how strategies from the science of resilient grieving can help anyone face an equally helpless situation.
Lucy Hone's beloved 12-year-old daughter Abi was killed in 2014 in a devastating car accident in Canterbury that also claimed the lives of Abi's friend Ella and Ella's mother Sally.
Lucy works in the field of resilience psychology, helping ordinary people exposed to real-life traumatic situations. When faced with the incomprehensible fact of Abi's tragic death Lucy knew that she was fighting for the survival of her sanity and her family unit.
She used her practice to develop ways to support her family in their darkest days, and to find a new way of living without Abi.
In What Abi Taught Us Lucy shares her story and research so that others can work to regain some sense of control and take action in the face of helpless situations.
Also published as Resilient Grieving
Lucy Hone's beloved 12-year-old daughter Abi was killed in 2014 in a devastating car accident in Canterbury that also claimed the lives of Abi's friend Ella and Ella's mother Sally.
Lucy works in the field of resilience psychology, helping ordinary people exposed to real-life traumatic situations. When faced with the incomprehensible fact of Abi's tragic death Lucy knew that she was fighting for the survival of her sanity and her family unit.
She used her practice to develop ways to support her family in their darkest days, and to find a new way of living without Abi.
In What Abi Taught Us Lucy shares her story and research so that others can work to regain some sense of control and take action in the face of helpless situations.
Also published as Resilient Grieving
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
198 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 1, 2016
17 people are currently reading
199 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
November 26, 2017
As you can see from my profile, I’m not one for posting book reviews, especially reviews as long as this. But every now and again, a book makes a real difference in my life. At times like this, I am deeply grateful for books and the people who write them. This is one of those times.
My beautiful 18 year old daughter Sophie died tragically nine weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading as much on grief as my addled brain can process, trying to get a better grip on what is happening to me and my family, and what I can expect in the future.
As a psychologist, who works in a different field, it was immediately noticeable how thinking about grief has evolved since I last paid it any significant attention. Books such as Patrick O’Malley’s Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss, and Megan Devine’s It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand typify this new, very human and enlightened approach to grief, firmly rejecting formulaic approaches to the process of grieving, as well as attempts to pathologise the experience of grief. Both authors have experienced first hand the shattering loss of losing someone close. My wife and I found that these books spoke to us. They validated our experience, and they were both comforting and useful.
Yet, I remained somewhat dissatisfied. I am attracted personally to Stoic philosophy, and professionally to cognitive behavioural approaches to therapy, so I believe we have choices in how we respond to what happens to us, and that exercising constructive choices in the way we think and act ultimately shapes how we experience the world. This way of thinking offers empowerment, especially at times when one feels victimised and helpless. Whilst I liked Devine’s distinction between pain and suffering (pain is the natural response to loss, whilst suffering arises from punishing ourselves for what happened), and I acknowledge that both she and O’Malley provide some practical ideas on navigating the grief journey, their approach seemed relatively passive: mainly, it's about accepting your experience in patience and self-kindness. But how could I embrace a more active response to my loss without at the same time invalidating my own experience, or the experience of those whom I love? That escaped me.
Then a colleague recommended Lucy Hone's book 'What Abi Taught us'. I only had to see the cover of the book to hit the Amazon buy button. I have photos of Sophie on the beach wrapped in her beach towel that look just like that. Hone is a psychologist who specialises in resilience and positive psychology. She lost her 12 year old daughter, together with her daughter’s best friend and mother, in a car accident. In this book, Hone shares how she applied the science of resilience to her journey through this catastrophic loss.
My family and I are dealing with a loss that threatens to constantly overwhelm. But we have three beautiful boys aged 9, 17 and 19 to care for, and we can't afford to go AWOL in our lives or theirs for 5-10 years. So I strongly related to Hone's sentiment: "I very quickly understood that, in losing Abi, we’d already lost so much: I was not prepared to lose more." And, "Talk of five-year recovery timelines for parental bereavement filled me with dread."
Hone then goes on to share insights and tools designed to support a "gradual return to living fully engaged and meaningful lives." She avoids the pathologising trap by drawing on everyday strategies (non-rocket science) that contribute to resilience in the face of loss and setbacks to—as she puts it—‘enable the process of health grieving’. A key message in the book for me is that you can be in extreme pain, and fully accept that pain, but at the same time work to restore your everyday functioning. The tools and ideas she shares don't take away pain (that is neither possible or desirable), but they can help you regain function.
I was also really taken by her reminder that human beings as a species have always lived with death and loss, and that very likely have hard-wired capacity to deal with extreme loss and pain. Whilst it's right to acknowledge we will all take our own somewhat unique path through severe loss, there is much to learn from the collected experience and wisdom of those who have gone before us. And we should listen and learn.
However, as with most books that dare to offer advice, there were moments when I found myself saying aloud, ‘That’s alright for you to say...’ only to pull myself up with the reminder that this writer is walking the walk as well as talking the talk. Whilst there may be some strategies that appeal to you more than others, there is no doubting the personal validation that sits along side the scientific evidence for each strategy.
I highly recommend this deeply personal, poignant and sensitively written translation of the science of loss and resilience. I found it encouraging and helpful. I also feel I have been given a small insight into what kind of person Abi was, and that is a great privilege. This book is highly recommended if you are dealing with a major loss in your life; or even if you are just seeking to live a better, more effective and meaningful life.
My beautiful 18 year old daughter Sophie died tragically nine weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading as much on grief as my addled brain can process, trying to get a better grip on what is happening to me and my family, and what I can expect in the future.
As a psychologist, who works in a different field, it was immediately noticeable how thinking about grief has evolved since I last paid it any significant attention. Books such as Patrick O’Malley’s Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss, and Megan Devine’s It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand typify this new, very human and enlightened approach to grief, firmly rejecting formulaic approaches to the process of grieving, as well as attempts to pathologise the experience of grief. Both authors have experienced first hand the shattering loss of losing someone close. My wife and I found that these books spoke to us. They validated our experience, and they were both comforting and useful.
Yet, I remained somewhat dissatisfied. I am attracted personally to Stoic philosophy, and professionally to cognitive behavioural approaches to therapy, so I believe we have choices in how we respond to what happens to us, and that exercising constructive choices in the way we think and act ultimately shapes how we experience the world. This way of thinking offers empowerment, especially at times when one feels victimised and helpless. Whilst I liked Devine’s distinction between pain and suffering (pain is the natural response to loss, whilst suffering arises from punishing ourselves for what happened), and I acknowledge that both she and O’Malley provide some practical ideas on navigating the grief journey, their approach seemed relatively passive: mainly, it's about accepting your experience in patience and self-kindness. But how could I embrace a more active response to my loss without at the same time invalidating my own experience, or the experience of those whom I love? That escaped me.
Then a colleague recommended Lucy Hone's book 'What Abi Taught us'. I only had to see the cover of the book to hit the Amazon buy button. I have photos of Sophie on the beach wrapped in her beach towel that look just like that. Hone is a psychologist who specialises in resilience and positive psychology. She lost her 12 year old daughter, together with her daughter’s best friend and mother, in a car accident. In this book, Hone shares how she applied the science of resilience to her journey through this catastrophic loss.
My family and I are dealing with a loss that threatens to constantly overwhelm. But we have three beautiful boys aged 9, 17 and 19 to care for, and we can't afford to go AWOL in our lives or theirs for 5-10 years. So I strongly related to Hone's sentiment: "I very quickly understood that, in losing Abi, we’d already lost so much: I was not prepared to lose more." And, "Talk of five-year recovery timelines for parental bereavement filled me with dread."
Hone then goes on to share insights and tools designed to support a "gradual return to living fully engaged and meaningful lives." She avoids the pathologising trap by drawing on everyday strategies (non-rocket science) that contribute to resilience in the face of loss and setbacks to—as she puts it—‘enable the process of health grieving’. A key message in the book for me is that you can be in extreme pain, and fully accept that pain, but at the same time work to restore your everyday functioning. The tools and ideas she shares don't take away pain (that is neither possible or desirable), but they can help you regain function.
I was also really taken by her reminder that human beings as a species have always lived with death and loss, and that very likely have hard-wired capacity to deal with extreme loss and pain. Whilst it's right to acknowledge we will all take our own somewhat unique path through severe loss, there is much to learn from the collected experience and wisdom of those who have gone before us. And we should listen and learn.
However, as with most books that dare to offer advice, there were moments when I found myself saying aloud, ‘That’s alright for you to say...’ only to pull myself up with the reminder that this writer is walking the walk as well as talking the talk. Whilst there may be some strategies that appeal to you more than others, there is no doubting the personal validation that sits along side the scientific evidence for each strategy.
I highly recommend this deeply personal, poignant and sensitively written translation of the science of loss and resilience. I found it encouraging and helpful. I also feel I have been given a small insight into what kind of person Abi was, and that is a great privilege. This book is highly recommended if you are dealing with a major loss in your life; or even if you are just seeking to live a better, more effective and meaningful life.
September 13, 2018
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who loses someone that they love, it draws on a variety of different works, from studies to Facebook posts, all with the purpose of aiming to refocus on how precious life is and how we need to try to be positive in the face of the terrible adversity that is grief. It offers so many helpful tips and activities to engage with
I got this book from the library but I may have to purchase it as there is so much from it that I know I will want to refer back to
I got this book from the library but I may have to purchase it as there is so much from it that I know I will want to refer back to
October 9, 2017
Having recently lost my husband unexpectedly, this book was recommended to me by a close friend as perhaps being able to help me understand what we are currently enduring. Hone's explanations of the grieving process and practical steps to take to practise realistic optimism and resilient grieving were hugely beneficial to me. My main priorities are now my 15 and 13 year old sons and Hone's insights have helped me to believe that as a tight family unit we will be able to come through this traumatic life event and learn to live, and even enjoy, a different life. We will never forget our beloved husband and father, but will be able to incorporate memories of him into our new life, thus always keeping him with us. Thank you Lucy for sharing your experiences, using your qualifications and strength to research the grieving process and providing such practical advice to help others. As a librarian, I will be highly recommending this book to customers.
October 28, 2020
A great book for anyone who is going through loss. Unexpected or otherwise. Written by a mother , an academic psychologist who lost her daughter tragically in a car crash. This is her story of her grieving process. I read this because she was a parent with sons at the same school as mine. The news of her daughters death shocked the community. Abi was travelling with some family friends who had a daughter the same age when a tourist ran through a stop sign at an intersection. The tourist survived and the father of the friend.
It is heartbreaking but a book that can help others who’s lives have turned upside down by the death of a loved one.
It is heartbreaking but a book that can help others who’s lives have turned upside down by the death of a loved one.
June 16, 2024
I think that some of the strategies and ideas could be used by people who lost a loved one, but as author herself mentioned, she had two teenage sons to live for, so probably she didn’t loose meaning and purpose in life
It would be helpful to know how their friend, who lost his daughter and wife in the same car accident is coping and what he found works after such a tragedy occurred
It would be helpful to know how their friend, who lost his daughter and wife in the same car accident is coping and what he found works after such a tragedy occurred
May 21, 2017
I got some really useful things out of this book but I just couldn't finish it. this is nothing against the book I just think it was all too much for me. I think a fantastic book to dip in and out of.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews