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The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationships
Isn’t it time you took a stand? Many women struggle with assertiveness, but if you’re prone to anxiety and avoidance, it is especially difficult. Grounded in attachment theory, this essential guide will help you identify your thoughts and feelings, balance your emotions, communicate your needs, and set healthy boundaries to improve your life.
When you’re assertive, you’re able to communicate your needs and wishes clearly while respecting yourself and anyone else involved in the interaction. But when you aren’t assertive, you may stop yourself from saying anything when your needs aren’t being met, or end up lashing out in hostile or hurtful ways. People with different attachment styles struggle with being assertive for different reasons, and even women with a secure attachment style may have difficulty expressing emotion when faced with challenging circumstances.
Using strategies based in mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), The Assertiveness Guide for Women can help you understand the attachment styles that keep you from asserting yourself. You’ll learn about the three communication stances—from the passive Doormat to the aggressive (or passive-aggressive) Sword to the assertive Lantern—and find practical examples that show you how to apply your new communication and emotional awareness skills in your own life. Rather than being caught in a cycle of rumination and regret when you’re unable to express yourself or even acknowledge your own needs, you’ll be ready to assert yourself and get what you want.
Whether you’re anxious and overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, avoidant and struggle to identify your emotions, or otherwise have difficulty expressing yourself, this book will help you become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings, and empower you to ask for what you need, set boundaries, and speak your truth for a more fulfilling life.
213 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 1, 2016
271 people are currently reading
2458 people want to read
About the author
Julie de Azevedo Hanks
5 books75 followersJulie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW is passionate about helping women find their voice in their own lives, relationships, and in the world. She is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, author and blogger, local and national media contributor, online influencer, consultant, award-winning performing songwriter, and founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. A native Californian, Hanks currently lives in Salt Lake City, UT with her husband and their 4 children. She enjoys spending time with family, taking naps, reading, writing, playing roller derby, and eating a lot of chocolate.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 135 reviews
July 27, 2016
Assertiveness is about treating yourself as an equal with others and taking ownership of your well-being while respecting others’ differences.
I hoped this would be a good book for my nieces, a guidebook of sorts to refer to as they traversed the waters of life. It is a good book, but it is less of a preemptive resource than a self-diagnostic tool. For individuals who either don't have the resources or the inclination to divulge themselves to a stranger in therapy this may be useful. For young women trying to make sense of themselves and world, less so.
The exercises are not overly laborious, but they do ask the reader to be introspective, to analyze past events in different ways to attempt to achieve the FIVE Cs:
Clarity
Confidence
Calmness
Connection
Compassion
The means to do so are through exercises that contemplate and enhance:
Self-Reflection
Self-Awareness
Self-Soothing
Self-Expression
Self-Expansion
Assertiveness is about treating yourself as an equal with others and taking ownership of your well-being while respecting others’ differences.
There is less assertiveness in this book than mediation of self and others. The chapter about how to broach tough discussions really made me feel like the author wanted us to mirror therapist modes with timing it right, seeking permission, keep it private--at this point, I get the difference between successfully navigating a minefield, but it's not assertive. Putting off what you want to say until someone wants to hear it--is non-confrontational, and placing someone else's needs before you. The advice made me feel like it was more about communication strategies than assertiveness. While the mind yourself, Don't Go Off Half-Cocked repeated mantra was getting stale by the end of the book. Yes, when one is emotionally compromised, it is not the time for any useful conversation to occur.
This book is primarily focused on emotional relationships, so career or professional advice is near zero. Frankly, one of the pieces of advice I just shook my head at and would never recommend.
This skill comes in handy not only in intimate relationships but also in professional settings, where you likely have to keep your cool in stressful situations. For example, if someone interrupts you during a work meeting, it may remind you of how your older sister used to talk over you at the dinner table while you were sharing something exciting about your day. A flood of past negative experiences compounded by the immediate emotional event might feel overwhelming to you, so it would probably be best to push the emotional pause button, take a moment to identify your feelings (mindfulness), reflect on why your response is so intense, and wait to do more work on this at a later time.
It doesn't actually tell you what to do, but to reflect on yourself. My two unprofessional cents, enquire if it is an emergency and state you're in a meeting. If emergency, beg forgiveness to participants and reschedule or ask for a small break and handle the situation. Not an emergency, clarify you'll check in when your meeting is done.
The discussion of non verbal cues in communication was too brief. Additionally, the section of incorporating these strategies into assertive action, OSCAR was comprised of two examples! Actually, one and one/fifth; the first example only got through "O" before being resolved. This was not enough--FIVE pages. That's it.
The final quarter of the book was much weaker than the rest. I found a great deal utility in the self-examination in order to understand why one feels the way they do and therefore reacts the way they do. But, I found that the book didn't deliver on parlaying that information into interactions. They were too brief and felt rushed. For a book about assertiveness, this spent an inordinate amount of time worried about other peoples' feelings and reactions.
Overall, this book was not what I was hoping for. It's a resource, but I find the title Assertiveness Guide slightly deceptive.
Saying no is the primary way we express “I am me. I am not you. We are different.”
~Uncorrected proof provided by NetGalley~
<<>>--<<>>--<<>>--<<>>--<<>>
I have several nieces whom I love dearly and would love to gift a good guide. *fingers crossed*
This is a guaranteed minimum of five books sold if it's worth it. Come on, don't let me down.
November 19, 2020
I think this book really brought together many different principles - assertiveness, attachment theory, differentiation, effective communication, emotional intelligence and boundary setting - in an extremely useful and digestible way. Many times while reading I thought “this book was written for me.” I follow dr de Azevedo Hanks on Instagram and have found her social media presence very impactful, and I’m glad I picked this book up. Not for everyone, but definitely for me!
July 24, 2016
I received a free copy of this book in exchange for a fair review. (Also, I've always wanted to say that!)
Let's start with this: the book isn't what I was expecting, exactly, but that's not bad. I consider myself an assertive person, at least for a woman (more on that later), but I was eager to read it anyway because, hey, who can't use a few more tips for asserting themselves? Difficult situations exist--demanding partners, friends, neighbors, co-workers--and even those of us with chronic can't-bite-my-tongue disorder appreciate some coaching on calm and confident confrontations.
I was surprised, then, when this book was less practical coaching (though there is some) and more literature review and pep talk from your Smart Therapist Friend. This is strategy, not tactics: Hanks spends as much time on the 'why' of assertiveness as she does on the 'how', and the book could just as easily be titled The Healthy Emotional Life Guide for Women because that's what she's doing.
I'm not someone who reads self-help very often, and I like to think I have a pretty healthy emotional life, but this has at least a little something for everyone. Hanks is a woman to admire--multiple careers! creative! successful marriage! kids!--but her tone is frank and humble without being overly self-deprecating, and she briefs readers on the literature (and the Right Answers of therapy) without ever being condescending. The frequent stop-and-reflect activities make this book essentially like having a therapist in your pocket (or purse, or backpack, or bedside table, wherever you happen to keep your books).
Speaking of "something for everyone," let's return to the "for women" part: none of the advice in here is specific to women, and I can think of more than few men of my acquaintance who might benefit from some of this Healthy Emotional Life coaching, but I still appreciated Hanks's focus here; thanks to typical socialization patterns for women, we're more likely to need both the why and the how, and the narrowed focus allows Hanks to empathize more closely with her audience and sneak in some feminist tenets (basic ones, but it's not often that self-help books even acknowledge cultural and social factors).
So why only four stars? Maybe it's not fair, but I still would have appreciated more tactics; Hanks spends some time on strategies for broaching difficult conversations or getting your message across (time it right, pause conversations if you need to, keep it private) but after the rest of the book, being persuaded that assertiveness is a good thing, I wanted more time with my new Smart Therapist Friend: what else should I know? What phrases should I memorize? How should I go about practicing newfound assertiveness skills? There's a whole world in the beginning and it's key to master the basics, I know, but I'll still keep an eye out for The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Intermediate Level: How To Take Over the World, Or At Least a Small Nation.
Let's start with this: the book isn't what I was expecting, exactly, but that's not bad. I consider myself an assertive person, at least for a woman (more on that later), but I was eager to read it anyway because, hey, who can't use a few more tips for asserting themselves? Difficult situations exist--demanding partners, friends, neighbors, co-workers--and even those of us with chronic can't-bite-my-tongue disorder appreciate some coaching on calm and confident confrontations.
I was surprised, then, when this book was less practical coaching (though there is some) and more literature review and pep talk from your Smart Therapist Friend. This is strategy, not tactics: Hanks spends as much time on the 'why' of assertiveness as she does on the 'how', and the book could just as easily be titled The Healthy Emotional Life Guide for Women because that's what she's doing.
I'm not someone who reads self-help very often, and I like to think I have a pretty healthy emotional life, but this has at least a little something for everyone. Hanks is a woman to admire--multiple careers! creative! successful marriage! kids!--but her tone is frank and humble without being overly self-deprecating, and she briefs readers on the literature (and the Right Answers of therapy) without ever being condescending. The frequent stop-and-reflect activities make this book essentially like having a therapist in your pocket (or purse, or backpack, or bedside table, wherever you happen to keep your books).
Speaking of "something for everyone," let's return to the "for women" part: none of the advice in here is specific to women, and I can think of more than few men of my acquaintance who might benefit from some of this Healthy Emotional Life coaching, but I still appreciated Hanks's focus here; thanks to typical socialization patterns for women, we're more likely to need both the why and the how, and the narrowed focus allows Hanks to empathize more closely with her audience and sneak in some feminist tenets (basic ones, but it's not often that self-help books even acknowledge cultural and social factors).
So why only four stars? Maybe it's not fair, but I still would have appreciated more tactics; Hanks spends some time on strategies for broaching difficult conversations or getting your message across (time it right, pause conversations if you need to, keep it private) but after the rest of the book, being persuaded that assertiveness is a good thing, I wanted more time with my new Smart Therapist Friend: what else should I know? What phrases should I memorize? How should I go about practicing newfound assertiveness skills? There's a whole world in the beginning and it's key to master the basics, I know, but I'll still keep an eye out for The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Intermediate Level: How To Take Over the World, Or At Least a Small Nation.
August 25, 2016
Why only 3 stars? Although I found the book insightful and helpful, in my opinion: the title is deceiving. It could have been called something like "Ways to assess your emotions: plus a few tips on setting boundaries."
The bulk of the book is about assessing your own thoughts, feelings, etc... I like her take on setting boundaries, separating thoughts from feelings, and separating your emotions from the emotions of those people around you. Helpful! But not what I expected from a book called "The Assertiveness Guide for Women."
I would have liked to read more examples people putting her "guide/methods" into action and setting those boundaries, and what type of responses those people encountered, and how they would respond if the reaction was unfavorable. The 'guide' or method to being assertive is at the very-very-very end of the book and quickly crammed in. Much of the early parts of the book were in such explicit detail with many examples, but I think she was worn out by the end of the book and didn't elaborate enough.
The bulk of the book is about assessing your own thoughts, feelings, etc... I like her take on setting boundaries, separating thoughts from feelings, and separating your emotions from the emotions of those people around you. Helpful! But not what I expected from a book called "The Assertiveness Guide for Women."
I would have liked to read more examples people putting her "guide/methods" into action and setting those boundaries, and what type of responses those people encountered, and how they would respond if the reaction was unfavorable. The 'guide' or method to being assertive is at the very-very-very end of the book and quickly crammed in. Much of the early parts of the book were in such explicit detail with many examples, but I think she was worn out by the end of the book and didn't elaborate enough.
September 7, 2023
I don't even have words for how life changing this book is for me!
September 20, 2017
Lots of really good insights and ideas in this book. It's specifically for women but I felt like there was a lot of great information for all genders. It paired really well with so many of the things my therapist is having me work on too and really made me look at myself and others in new ways.
Being assertive in our communication means being able to take care of ourselves and others in our problem solving. Other ways of communicating are aggressive, passive aggressive and just passive. When we deviate from assertive and become aggressive we might get what we want temporarily but we don't foster good relationships or end up getting we need long term. When we communicate passively we might temporarily keep the peace but we don't get we want and we might end up with a lot of resentment or a blow up later.
To discover what type of communicator we are Julie Hanks also has look at what kind of attachment we are most comfortable with. She starts by taking you back to your family or origin and discussing the attachment styles we pick up very early on in life and how those styles can effect our communication as adults. The three attachment styles she discusses are secure, anxious and avoidant.
An anxious style can lead us to be overly connected or clingy, distraught about separation, dependant on others for validation, and give us an unhealthy view of where we end and another person begins. It can also lead to depression or anxiety when we don't live up to expectations of those we are close to. This obviously can be a barrier to healthy assertive communication.
An avoidant style can hinder our ability to have close relationships, cause us to feel unattached, makes us unaware of our own emotions, or cause us to cover things up or not confront problems. This can make for bigger problems later on by leading to depression or the realization that we haven't really "let things go" and is a barrier to assertive communication also.
It was interesting to discuss this with my husband and see that we are in fact totally opposite in our attachment styles and communication. I have a very anxious attachment style while his was avoidant. Maybe that means our kids will be secure? :)
The author says that chances are we won't be able to totally change our attachment style but knowing what we do and why we do it helps us to work within our attachment style to find a place of assertiveness. If we know what our negative tendencies are (not to speak up, lashing out, etc.) we can replace them with positive actions. The way she sets out for us to do this is by learning about our emotions.
As we begin to identify our emotions we can seperate our thoughts and feelings. The way she has us do this is by using this sentence: I feel _______ when________ because I thought ___________. Example would be I felt mad when you didn't take out the trash because I thought you were ignoring me and didn't love me.
I've been working with my therapist about this and she has the same sentence seperated out into I felt _____ when ____ because I have a need for ______. And the author of this book discusses seperating our needs and wants from our thoughts and feelings also. It's hard for others to give you what you want or need if you don't even know what you want or need. That is why it's so important to figure it out.
She also discusses what barriers we set up for ourselves in the way of assertive communication. Some of these might be not wanting to make things worse, not wanting to make anyone mad, feeling guilty about putting our needs at the forefront, not wanting to be misunderstood, etc. One that I keep coming back to in my own life is that I feel like it's selfish to have wants or needs. Like I can't be a good enough mom, wife, pto member, etc. if I have needs that also have to be met. I also have a fear of being a burden or dissapointment to others. If I could just have no opinions or desires it would be totally perfect for everyone I'm sure ;)
Since the author is writing this specifically for women she also talks about the cultural and societal factors that impact our gender. In our society there is a huge emphasis put on women's ability to care for others and sometimes we take that to the next step of not caring for ourselves at all. Being assertive helps us take care of others and ourselves. Part of this is the art of saying no! She gives a lot of good advice on finding balance in our lives and being able to say no to things we cannot do. She talks about being able to know when we are feeling resentful, or overly burdened, or when we are stretching ourself too thin. Being in touch with our emotions helps us take better care of ourselves. And when we take better care of ourselves we have more and better things to give to others.
She then takes us through the practices of self relection, self awareness, self soothing, self expression and self expansion. One of my favorite parts was the act of self soothing. She sets out an exercise for us to do. When we feel upset about something she suggests doing for ourselves what we might do for someone else. Rubbing our arm or giving ourself a hug and saying things like "of course your upset. This and this and this happened. You've been working so hard. That must be so dissapointing". By soothing ourself before we confront someone else we can get to the root of our problems and address those with others instead of just reacting out of anger. When we can stay in control of our emotions then we have a better chance of communicating them to others.
She also goes through some really amazing steps that we need to take before we communicate. Great ideas about starting conversations softly and paying attention to body language before we jump into hard topics. She also has some good advice on setting up boundaries and dealing with toxic personalities who aren't receptive even to the most assertive communications.
I felt really empowered by this book and have also been able to use it and see it's benefits in my life already. I've been able to more effectively apologize when I'm wrong, and I've stopped myself from apologizing for things I don't really need too. I'm been able to smooth out a hard situation and been able to set up boundaries for myself. Reading this in partnership with some of Brene Brown's work has helped me to let go of some of that gender shame I pull around with me. Internal dialogues like I'm not good enough, I'm being selfish, etc. And it's really helped me to better see people and respond to them in appropriate ways. As I gain confidence in speaking up for myself in assertive ways I don't have to worry or feel guilty for how they choose to treat me because I know that I've tried to do my best. It's helped me realize that sometimes others are just unreasonable and that it's okay if I can't please everyone. I still fail at all these things A LOT but I'm at least more concious of my pitfalls and how to avoid them. I highly recommend this book!
Being assertive in our communication means being able to take care of ourselves and others in our problem solving. Other ways of communicating are aggressive, passive aggressive and just passive. When we deviate from assertive and become aggressive we might get what we want temporarily but we don't foster good relationships or end up getting we need long term. When we communicate passively we might temporarily keep the peace but we don't get we want and we might end up with a lot of resentment or a blow up later.
To discover what type of communicator we are Julie Hanks also has look at what kind of attachment we are most comfortable with. She starts by taking you back to your family or origin and discussing the attachment styles we pick up very early on in life and how those styles can effect our communication as adults. The three attachment styles she discusses are secure, anxious and avoidant.
An anxious style can lead us to be overly connected or clingy, distraught about separation, dependant on others for validation, and give us an unhealthy view of where we end and another person begins. It can also lead to depression or anxiety when we don't live up to expectations of those we are close to. This obviously can be a barrier to healthy assertive communication.
An avoidant style can hinder our ability to have close relationships, cause us to feel unattached, makes us unaware of our own emotions, or cause us to cover things up or not confront problems. This can make for bigger problems later on by leading to depression or the realization that we haven't really "let things go" and is a barrier to assertive communication also.
It was interesting to discuss this with my husband and see that we are in fact totally opposite in our attachment styles and communication. I have a very anxious attachment style while his was avoidant. Maybe that means our kids will be secure? :)
The author says that chances are we won't be able to totally change our attachment style but knowing what we do and why we do it helps us to work within our attachment style to find a place of assertiveness. If we know what our negative tendencies are (not to speak up, lashing out, etc.) we can replace them with positive actions. The way she sets out for us to do this is by learning about our emotions.
As we begin to identify our emotions we can seperate our thoughts and feelings. The way she has us do this is by using this sentence: I feel _______ when________ because I thought ___________. Example would be I felt mad when you didn't take out the trash because I thought you were ignoring me and didn't love me.
I've been working with my therapist about this and she has the same sentence seperated out into I felt _____ when ____ because I have a need for ______. And the author of this book discusses seperating our needs and wants from our thoughts and feelings also. It's hard for others to give you what you want or need if you don't even know what you want or need. That is why it's so important to figure it out.
She also discusses what barriers we set up for ourselves in the way of assertive communication. Some of these might be not wanting to make things worse, not wanting to make anyone mad, feeling guilty about putting our needs at the forefront, not wanting to be misunderstood, etc. One that I keep coming back to in my own life is that I feel like it's selfish to have wants or needs. Like I can't be a good enough mom, wife, pto member, etc. if I have needs that also have to be met. I also have a fear of being a burden or dissapointment to others. If I could just have no opinions or desires it would be totally perfect for everyone I'm sure ;)
Since the author is writing this specifically for women she also talks about the cultural and societal factors that impact our gender. In our society there is a huge emphasis put on women's ability to care for others and sometimes we take that to the next step of not caring for ourselves at all. Being assertive helps us take care of others and ourselves. Part of this is the art of saying no! She gives a lot of good advice on finding balance in our lives and being able to say no to things we cannot do. She talks about being able to know when we are feeling resentful, or overly burdened, or when we are stretching ourself too thin. Being in touch with our emotions helps us take better care of ourselves. And when we take better care of ourselves we have more and better things to give to others.
She then takes us through the practices of self relection, self awareness, self soothing, self expression and self expansion. One of my favorite parts was the act of self soothing. She sets out an exercise for us to do. When we feel upset about something she suggests doing for ourselves what we might do for someone else. Rubbing our arm or giving ourself a hug and saying things like "of course your upset. This and this and this happened. You've been working so hard. That must be so dissapointing". By soothing ourself before we confront someone else we can get to the root of our problems and address those with others instead of just reacting out of anger. When we can stay in control of our emotions then we have a better chance of communicating them to others.
She also goes through some really amazing steps that we need to take before we communicate. Great ideas about starting conversations softly and paying attention to body language before we jump into hard topics. She also has some good advice on setting up boundaries and dealing with toxic personalities who aren't receptive even to the most assertive communications.
I felt really empowered by this book and have also been able to use it and see it's benefits in my life already. I've been able to more effectively apologize when I'm wrong, and I've stopped myself from apologizing for things I don't really need too. I'm been able to smooth out a hard situation and been able to set up boundaries for myself. Reading this in partnership with some of Brene Brown's work has helped me to let go of some of that gender shame I pull around with me. Internal dialogues like I'm not good enough, I'm being selfish, etc. And it's really helped me to better see people and respond to them in appropriate ways. As I gain confidence in speaking up for myself in assertive ways I don't have to worry or feel guilty for how they choose to treat me because I know that I've tried to do my best. It's helped me realize that sometimes others are just unreasonable and that it's okay if I can't please everyone. I still fail at all these things A LOT but I'm at least more concious of my pitfalls and how to avoid them. I highly recommend this book!
January 7, 2020
"The Assertiveness Guide for Women" é, ao contrário do que o título possa sugerir, uma obra indicada para mulheres, mas também para homens.
Ao contrário da perspectiva defendida em certa medida pela autora, a eventual dificuldade em ser assertivo não é algo que resulte do género. Comunicar necessidades, gerir emoções, melhorar relações e criar fronteiras parece-me que pode ser complexo para mulheres e homens, dependendo de outros factores.
Uma das coisas mais interessantes que aprendi neste livro, ainda que lhe reconheça limitações e lhe possa fazer críticas, relaciona-se com a teoria do apego (e o modo como esta se espelha na forma como nos relacionamos com os outros) que, de um modo geral, divide os adultos em três estilos: o ansioso, o evitador e o seguro. Este é um tema sobre o qual pretendo ler mais posteriormente pela utilidade que pode ter.
Partindo da teoria do apego, que serve de base a toda a argumentação do livro, a autora desenvolve seguidamente aquelas que entende serem as cinco ferramentas da assertividade.
Por fim, outro ponto igualmente digno de nota relaciona-se com o papel central que a autora atribui à identificação e gestação de emoções. Extremamente útil, diria. Fiquei, por exemplo, a saber que são seis as emoções básicas: felicidade, raiva, tristeza, medo, surpresa e nojo.
De um modo geral, gostei do que li, embora considere que, em alguns momentos, a autora poderia ser mais objectiva e neutra.
Ao contrário da perspectiva defendida em certa medida pela autora, a eventual dificuldade em ser assertivo não é algo que resulte do género. Comunicar necessidades, gerir emoções, melhorar relações e criar fronteiras parece-me que pode ser complexo para mulheres e homens, dependendo de outros factores.
Uma das coisas mais interessantes que aprendi neste livro, ainda que lhe reconheça limitações e lhe possa fazer críticas, relaciona-se com a teoria do apego (e o modo como esta se espelha na forma como nos relacionamos com os outros) que, de um modo geral, divide os adultos em três estilos: o ansioso, o evitador e o seguro. Este é um tema sobre o qual pretendo ler mais posteriormente pela utilidade que pode ter.
Partindo da teoria do apego, que serve de base a toda a argumentação do livro, a autora desenvolve seguidamente aquelas que entende serem as cinco ferramentas da assertividade.
Por fim, outro ponto igualmente digno de nota relaciona-se com o papel central que a autora atribui à identificação e gestação de emoções. Extremamente útil, diria. Fiquei, por exemplo, a saber que são seis as emoções básicas: felicidade, raiva, tristeza, medo, surpresa e nojo.
De um modo geral, gostei do que li, embora considere que, em alguns momentos, a autora poderia ser mais objectiva e neutra.
November 4, 2017
This book was not quite what I had expected and was better for it.
There was none of the 'if someone says x you can respond rst or u' advice that I had thought would be there. However, for me that was a positive because I have never found that anyone actually says x and so rst and u never apply. I also resent someone telling me what to say.
Instead, this book goes more deeply into the challenges that women have when trying to be assertive. Hanks also argues, correctly I think, that without knowing yourself, your wants, and your needs, then you will have a great deal of difficulty being assertive; really, how can you ask for what you want if you have no idea what that is?
The book focuses on getting to know oneself, how we relate to others, what we really need and want, and how to develop a sense of Self that then sets the stage to make assertiveness more possible and fluent.
Rather than telling the reader what to say in a particular situation, Hanks helps to empower the reader to decide for themselves the best thing to say in a particular situation. To me, that is the best type of self-help book.
There was none of the 'if someone says x you can respond rst or u' advice that I had thought would be there. However, for me that was a positive because I have never found that anyone actually says x and so rst and u never apply. I also resent someone telling me what to say.
Instead, this book goes more deeply into the challenges that women have when trying to be assertive. Hanks also argues, correctly I think, that without knowing yourself, your wants, and your needs, then you will have a great deal of difficulty being assertive; really, how can you ask for what you want if you have no idea what that is?
The book focuses on getting to know oneself, how we relate to others, what we really need and want, and how to develop a sense of Self that then sets the stage to make assertiveness more possible and fluent.
Rather than telling the reader what to say in a particular situation, Hanks helps to empower the reader to decide for themselves the best thing to say in a particular situation. To me, that is the best type of self-help book.
June 27, 2016
While aimed at female readers, this book has useful advice for everyone. The author is very pragmatic in her approach, beginning with helping the reader to discern "attachment style," and showing ways in which this might inhibit assertiveness, which is not the same as aggression or passivity. The goal is to set and respect boundaries, and this practical book can help the reader understand how to achieve this goal.
January 16, 2026
3 1/2 Stars ⭐️ Okay, so first, I follow this author on Social Media and had actually DM’d her about a struggle I was having at work. She responded to me and recommended this book. So I was very touched that she would take the time to respond. I first think that if you can read this book versus listening to it like I did, that would have been better experience. She covered a lot, and the audiobook just didn’t give me the time to really study and reflect on some of the concepts she was trying to convey. Second, I feel some of the topics were discussed at a high level, where I was hoping to have it go into more depth. This books gives you some great tools, but only therapy can really help you dive into these tools at a more deeper and personal level.
September 3, 2021
Helpful book for self-reflection, especially in relation to attachment and communication style. While there is a tie to assertiveness with these, it’s not the main point, so the title is a bit misleading.
April 6, 2022
honestly, this book really helped me to understand attachment styles and gave me more tools to better communicate and assert myself. her framework is, “i feel ____ when you ____ because it makes me think ___”. i appreciate the separation of feeling and thoughts in the phrase above, it helps others to understand the narrative you’re telling yourself.
also, understanding attachment styles was so helpful it kinda freaked me out?? kinda thought it was a bunch of bologna, but the description for secure/avoidant REALLY helped me to understand myself and my unhealthy reactions to relationships sometimes. i’ve had a hard time putting these feelings into words, but the attachment style description make a ton of sense.
also, understanding attachment styles was so helpful it kinda freaked me out?? kinda thought it was a bunch of bologna, but the description for secure/avoidant REALLY helped me to understand myself and my unhealthy reactions to relationships sometimes. i’ve had a hard time putting these feelings into words, but the attachment style description make a ton of sense.
February 12, 2024
I picked up this book because I am not easily assertive. The book first starts by walking you through the three attachment styles. Once you understand your attachment style, you can understand why assertiveness is a challenge for you as well as what you should be aiming to improve. The novel then moves towards how to be assertive. She recommends the OSCAR mnemonic and gives many examples of how it works in various situations. Big fan of this book!!
August 2, 2016
Wow if there was ever a book that was supposed to serve as a guide for women for gain any sort of assertiveness in their lives – THIS BOOK IS IT !!!
The basic problem for women is that for too long women have allowed their past, specifically their lives as a child, to control who they are today. Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks has done a marvelous job in creating a pyramid of information to help women is this predicament, beginning telling what the difference between assertive and not being it.
The author’s experience not only as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker [LCSW] but as a Psychotherapist lends itself perfectly to her readers what they need to gain the assertiveness they’re looking for.
Instead of merely telling her readers this is what they must do or not do, she asks them to reflective on their lives and to look at the past events they’ve experienced from different angles so they can try to: have more clarity in their lives, more compassion towards others and how to connect with them more effectively, increased calmness when the situations warrant it, and most important an increase in the confidence they have about themselves. In order to attempt this, the book contains exercises which I feel are not to arduous to do.
Being a child of the 1950’s, if was a song which would epitomize what this book is trying to do for women, than it would have to be “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy. If you’re not familiar with this song here are some of the lyrics:
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
[Chorus:]
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
As you can probably see there’s no way I can’t give this book the 5 STARS it so richly deserves.
The basic problem for women is that for too long women have allowed their past, specifically their lives as a child, to control who they are today. Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks has done a marvelous job in creating a pyramid of information to help women is this predicament, beginning telling what the difference between assertive and not being it.
The author’s experience not only as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker [LCSW] but as a Psychotherapist lends itself perfectly to her readers what they need to gain the assertiveness they’re looking for.
Instead of merely telling her readers this is what they must do or not do, she asks them to reflective on their lives and to look at the past events they’ve experienced from different angles so they can try to: have more clarity in their lives, more compassion towards others and how to connect with them more effectively, increased calmness when the situations warrant it, and most important an increase in the confidence they have about themselves. In order to attempt this, the book contains exercises which I feel are not to arduous to do.
Being a child of the 1950’s, if was a song which would epitomize what this book is trying to do for women, than it would have to be “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy. If you’re not familiar with this song here are some of the lyrics:
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
[Chorus:]
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
As you can probably see there’s no way I can’t give this book the 5 STARS it so richly deserves.
July 31, 2016
E. Self-Awareness: Identifying emotions
CHAPTER SIX. Self-Soothing: Mindfulness and emotional management
CHAPTER SEVEN. Self-Expression: Doormat, Sword, and Lantern
CHAPTER EIGHT. Self-Expression: Setting Strong Boundaries
The book has exercises and tools to create awareness and practice assertiveness. The author provides different tools that help to manage relationships with people that are open to talk about what’s bothering in the relationship or people to avoid because they don’t respect boundaries.
Assertiveness can still have room for improvement even growing up or living in a good healthy setting. On the other hand, stress-related illnesses can be the result of resentment and distress caused by environments where is difficult to assert the self or coupe with the abuse that affects organs as the liver and the adrenal glands due to live in a fight or flight mode (survival mode) chronically.
Julie de Azevedo writes about toxic people, “these individuals are toxic because they poison the people around them.” However, it takes awareness to realize the somatization of bottled negative emotions and act saying no and setting healthy boundaries. Moreover, in extreme cases, it doesn’t mean it’s easy as abusive people want to perpetuate the abuse but health, safety, and overall well-being are worth it. It is impossible to take back all the wasted time because of these people abusive behavior, but it’s feels great when it’s over.
I love this book; assertiveness is a topic that touches my heart deeply, because of it, I have created a safer environment to live my life, and the sense of relief is huge, as leaving abusive situations unattended can escalate to attract more abusive relationships and spoiled the good ones. Furthermore, practicing assertiveness is vital for it’s important to be connected with healthy people and attract healthy relationships.
ARCV REVIEW
CHAPTER SIX. Self-Soothing: Mindfulness and emotional management
CHAPTER SEVEN. Self-Expression: Doormat, Sword, and Lantern
CHAPTER EIGHT. Self-Expression: Setting Strong Boundaries
The book has exercises and tools to create awareness and practice assertiveness. The author provides different tools that help to manage relationships with people that are open to talk about what’s bothering in the relationship or people to avoid because they don’t respect boundaries.
Assertiveness can still have room for improvement even growing up or living in a good healthy setting. On the other hand, stress-related illnesses can be the result of resentment and distress caused by environments where is difficult to assert the self or coupe with the abuse that affects organs as the liver and the adrenal glands due to live in a fight or flight mode (survival mode) chronically.
Julie de Azevedo writes about toxic people, “these individuals are toxic because they poison the people around them.” However, it takes awareness to realize the somatization of bottled negative emotions and act saying no and setting healthy boundaries. Moreover, in extreme cases, it doesn’t mean it’s easy as abusive people want to perpetuate the abuse but health, safety, and overall well-being are worth it. It is impossible to take back all the wasted time because of these people abusive behavior, but it’s feels great when it’s over.
I love this book; assertiveness is a topic that touches my heart deeply, because of it, I have created a safer environment to live my life, and the sense of relief is huge, as leaving abusive situations unattended can escalate to attract more abusive relationships and spoiled the good ones. Furthermore, practicing assertiveness is vital for it’s important to be connected with healthy people and attract healthy relationships.
ARCV REVIEW
July 28, 2016
"Sometimes just knowing more about what's actually going on with you can help you to calm yourself down and communicate from a place of more security." (p. 184)
After a year of upheaval (new country, new job, and everything that comes with), this book was exactly what I needed to just sit down for a hot second and sort myself out. I have spent so little time over the last year thinking about my emotional health, and I worried that I was slipping into bad habits - suppressing emotions, always trying to please, and letting stress seep into my relationships with my husband and children. Reading this book was like sitting down with Dr. Hanks and having a chat, including hearing some stories from her own life and practice. There were also self-inventory questions throughout the book that provided an opportunity and framework for reflection.
Each chapter builds on the one before, starting with attachment and differentiation styles and ending with specific strategies for implementing assertiveness in all areas and relationships of your life. Key elements of this book include finding your "wise mind," recognizing the "gift of resentment" (really!), identifying primary and secondary emotions (I am so good at this with my kids but horrible at doing it for myself!), and showing empathy for others. The most meaningful concept for me (and the core of the book, in my opinion) was the symbolism of the doormat/sword/lantern styles of communication. I hope to carry those images with me in future interactions with others.
I recommend this book for anyone hoping to improve their assertiveness skills, but also anyone who needs (like I did) a self-check for emotional health.
***I received a complimentary copy of this book for advanced review, but all opinions are my own.***
September 10, 2016
I received this book for free through Goodreads Giveaways. As always, an honest review.
The Assertiveness Guide for Women is a guide to learning about yourself, setting boundaries, and ways to assert yourself. The book starts with the reader learning to identify what being assertive looks like in different situations. I learned assertiveness skills and their benefits. The author spends a significant number of pages on childhood and adult attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These attachment styles influence the way each person sees themselves, their relationships, and the world around them, so it makes sense that we would need a good foundation of knowledge about them. I had a difficult time determining which attachment style I am like most, so this made it harder to apply some of the strategies in the book to my real life. I’m not sure if it’s just me or the explanations given in the book, so don’t let my experiences with attachment styles deter you from giving it a read. For the most part I found the book to be easy to read and understand. There were plenty of examples of the explanations. I also appreciated that there were follow up questions and worksheets to complete about the topics covered. It really encourages and guides you to complete the activities. I found the feelings word list very helpful and will be referring to this again in the future. I found that The Assertiveness Guide for Women really hits home on the reasons why many women struggle to be assertive. It’s mostly about learning about yourself, which is a great first step, but the book didn’t provide as many examples the concept explanations as I had hoped. It was an interesting book, especially if you don’t know much about the subjects covered. I would recommend it for women who want to learn more about their attachment style, self awareness, and setting boundaries.
The Assertiveness Guide for Women is a guide to learning about yourself, setting boundaries, and ways to assert yourself. The book starts with the reader learning to identify what being assertive looks like in different situations. I learned assertiveness skills and their benefits. The author spends a significant number of pages on childhood and adult attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These attachment styles influence the way each person sees themselves, their relationships, and the world around them, so it makes sense that we would need a good foundation of knowledge about them. I had a difficult time determining which attachment style I am like most, so this made it harder to apply some of the strategies in the book to my real life. I’m not sure if it’s just me or the explanations given in the book, so don’t let my experiences with attachment styles deter you from giving it a read. For the most part I found the book to be easy to read and understand. There were plenty of examples of the explanations. I also appreciated that there were follow up questions and worksheets to complete about the topics covered. It really encourages and guides you to complete the activities. I found the feelings word list very helpful and will be referring to this again in the future. I found that The Assertiveness Guide for Women really hits home on the reasons why many women struggle to be assertive. It’s mostly about learning about yourself, which is a great first step, but the book didn’t provide as many examples the concept explanations as I had hoped. It was an interesting book, especially if you don’t know much about the subjects covered. I would recommend it for women who want to learn more about their attachment style, self awareness, and setting boundaries.
August 14, 2016
Although this book wasn’t what I expected I found it very useful. It’s not just a guide on how to be more assertive, but instead, delves into our early lives using attachment theory and showing how our early relationships act as a template for our future ones.
Each chapter that follows builds on this theory and there are exercises to help us discover our own attachment style, our relationship patterns and how to identify our emotions.
The book is very practical and contains a number of examples from the author’s own life. The last few chapters provide plenty of tools to help us improve our self-awareness and to express ourselves more honestly. There are tools for self-soothing, mindfulness, setting strong boundaries and enabling us to learn how to express ourselves more honestly and thus more assertively.
Overall, I thought this was a very worthwhile book which approaches the subject of assertiveness from a different angle to other books on the subject and would give it 4.5*.
My thanks go to the publishers and to Netgalley for my free copy in exchange for an honest review.
Each chapter that follows builds on this theory and there are exercises to help us discover our own attachment style, our relationship patterns and how to identify our emotions.
The book is very practical and contains a number of examples from the author’s own life. The last few chapters provide plenty of tools to help us improve our self-awareness and to express ourselves more honestly. There are tools for self-soothing, mindfulness, setting strong boundaries and enabling us to learn how to express ourselves more honestly and thus more assertively.
Overall, I thought this was a very worthwhile book which approaches the subject of assertiveness from a different angle to other books on the subject and would give it 4.5*.
My thanks go to the publishers and to Netgalley for my free copy in exchange for an honest review.
November 18, 2016
This book has a lot of great insight into what it means to be assertive. The place I am in right now in my life requires me to work on boundary setting and this book offers a lot of great tools. Her examples are amazing and I love that she gives prompts to help you clearly state your need.
I think this book will help me the most as a parent. I realize that I don't share a lot of my emotions with my children. I have spent more time explaining my emotions to them instead of just reacting to their behavior. (I feel like I don't matter to you when you ignore me while you play your game vs. I said it's time to turn it off?) I have seen huge positive gains in their behaviors and our interactions. I off handedly mentioned to one child how happy it makes me when the house is out together after dinner so I can relax with the family and this child has really stepped up helping out without being asked.
There is a lot of info in this book and a lot of chances for self reflection. I enjoyed looking more into myself and I think it will improve my interactions with all of those I encounter in any capacity.
I think this book will help me the most as a parent. I realize that I don't share a lot of my emotions with my children. I have spent more time explaining my emotions to them instead of just reacting to their behavior. (I feel like I don't matter to you when you ignore me while you play your game vs. I said it's time to turn it off?) I have seen huge positive gains in their behaviors and our interactions. I off handedly mentioned to one child how happy it makes me when the house is out together after dinner so I can relax with the family and this child has really stepped up helping out without being asked.
There is a lot of info in this book and a lot of chances for self reflection. I enjoyed looking more into myself and I think it will improve my interactions with all of those I encounter in any capacity.
September 26, 2016
Do you want to increase your ability to connect with people? Do you want to be able to experience true intimacy with others? Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD has written a book to help you to do just that.
In her book, “The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries & Transform Your Relationships.” Dr. Hanks gives us information and tools to know ourselves better and be more available to know others. I’ve already started recommending it to my clients.
Dr. Hanks, in a straight-forward, engaging way, demonstrates how saying “no” keeps us from being overwhelmed and overcommitted. She even gives a list of helpful examples of how to say no. Who couldn’t benefit from that? As important, she shows us that saying no actually makes us more available to ourselves and others.
The one con is this—Dr. Hanks’ examples and writing are so accessible, readers might not realize how much helpful information is packed in this 200 page book. I recommend reading “The Assertiveness Guide” a couple of times so you get all you can out of it.
In her book, “The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries & Transform Your Relationships.” Dr. Hanks gives us information and tools to know ourselves better and be more available to know others. I’ve already started recommending it to my clients.
Dr. Hanks, in a straight-forward, engaging way, demonstrates how saying “no” keeps us from being overwhelmed and overcommitted. She even gives a list of helpful examples of how to say no. Who couldn’t benefit from that? As important, she shows us that saying no actually makes us more available to ourselves and others.
The one con is this—Dr. Hanks’ examples and writing are so accessible, readers might not realize how much helpful information is packed in this 200 page book. I recommend reading “The Assertiveness Guide” a couple of times so you get all you can out of it.
May 25, 2017
I have read ALL of Brene Brown's books and loved them. I have read Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion and loved it. I have read more than one of the Boundaries books by Cloud and Townsend and loved them, too. This book seemed to pull it all together for me. Attachment styles, boundaries, self-compassion, dealing with shame, and great communication guidelines: this book has it all. I liked the LDS perspective (but you would probably have to be LDS to find it; it is NOT pushing religion at all). I liked the specific examples of what you might look for in your own behavior if you have a certain attachment style. Really great book.
July 25, 2016
I received a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
Most women I know including myself struggle at times with being assertive. Julie de Azevedo Hanks tackles a lot in this book to help women be more assertive. She talks about attachment styles and enmeshment (differentiation) and how these impact assertiveness. I liked the categories of doormat, sword, and lantern to describe communication styles and how resentment is a "gift" to help us know when we need to adjust our boundaries to fix something. She provides a great template/sentence starter to express something assertively.
Most women I know including myself struggle at times with being assertive. Julie de Azevedo Hanks tackles a lot in this book to help women be more assertive. She talks about attachment styles and enmeshment (differentiation) and how these impact assertiveness. I liked the categories of doormat, sword, and lantern to describe communication styles and how resentment is a "gift" to help us know when we need to adjust our boundaries to fix something. She provides a great template/sentence starter to express something assertively.
June 30, 2016
I think this is a good book for all women to learn how to express themselves better. The author explains how our childhood can influence the way we communicate as adults, and teaches us how to communicate and be more assertive based on our attachment style. I enjoyed that the author gave real life stories about her family, friends, and patients. It is easier to learn and grow when there is someone else to relate to and to see how these changes worked for them. I’m looking forward to practicing what I’ve learned with this book.
July 16, 2016
I received the ebook in exchange for an honest review.
Normally I don't read let's say self help books. I don't have the patience for it, but I decided to give it a chance. I did like, especially the way the link the way you behave as an adult to your childhood. I found it well-written and therefore easy to read.
Normally I don't read let's say self help books. I don't have the patience for it, but I decided to give it a chance. I did like, especially the way the link the way you behave as an adult to your childhood. I found it well-written and therefore easy to read.
September 23, 2016
I think this is the book I needed to read at this time in my life. It felt like a class in psychology and yet it was so fun to read. I really liked all the lessons I learned in it and as I make some of the positive changes I found that I am happier with myself and feeling more confident. It has made a big difference already. I really loved this book and would recommend it to every woman.
November 3, 2017
Good book and author. Julie came and talked to our book club. She is very experienced and shares some great ideas that will help any relationship. It really caused me to think about how I react and act in situations, how I communicate my feelings with others and more. Unfortunately the book was on hold for someone else at the library and I never finished it.
September 19, 2016
left off pg 125
She does a lot of breaking down into categories which I somewhat have trouble fitting myself into. Otherwise a good, nononsense guide, easy to read. I just can't stick with nonfiction, wasn't very engaging and I've got better things to read.
She does a lot of breaking down into categories which I somewhat have trouble fitting myself into. Otherwise a good, nononsense guide, easy to read. I just can't stick with nonfiction, wasn't very engaging and I've got better things to read.
October 5, 2017
Fantastic book. A brilliant take on the difficulties of communicating assertiveness. It was great but the content was a bit overwhelming at times to take it all in. I had to re-read portions and take a few notes of things to remember because there was just so much in there.
December 29, 2023
کتاب با عنوان خودابرازگری و جرات مندی در زنان ترجمه شده نشر لگا-
خیلی مختصر و مفید بود کتاب . یه دید کلیدرمورد جرأت مندی به آدم میده، چند تا تمرین فکری و عملی هم داشت که برام کاربردی بود و تونستم در عمل استفاده کنم همون موقع.
خیلی مختصر و مفید بود کتاب . یه دید کلیدرمورد جرأت مندی به آدم میده، چند تا تمرین فکری و عملی هم داشت که برام کاربردی بود و تونستم در عمل استفاده کنم همون موقع.
August 22, 2016
I think many people could find this book useful. If you want or need something, be assertive. I won it in a contest and it was an informative read.
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