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Awkward: The Science of Why We're Socially Awkward and Why That's Awesome
In the vein of Quiet and The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth comes this illuminating look at what it means to be awkward—and how the same traits that make us socially anxious and cause embarrassing faux pas also provide the seeds for extraordinary success.
As humans, we all need to belong. While modern social life can make even the best of us feel gawky, for roughly one in five of us, navigating its challenges is consistently overwhelming—an ongoing maze without an exit. Often unable to grasp social cues or master the skills and grace necessary for smooth interaction, we feel out of sync with those around us. Though individuals may recognize their awkward disposition, they rarely understand why they are like this—which makes it hard for them to know how to adjust their behavior.
Psychologist and interpersonal relationship expert Ty Tashiro knows what it’s like to be awkward. Growing up, he could do math in his head and memorize the earned run averages of every National League starting pitcher. But he couldn’t pour liquids without spilling and habitually forgot to bring his glove to Little League games. In Awkward, he unpacks decades of research into human intelligence, neuroscience, personality, and sociology to help us better understand this widely shared trait. He explores its nature vs. nurture origins, considers how the awkward view the world, and delivers a welcome counterintuitive the same characteristics that make people socially clumsy can be harnessed to produce remarkable achievements.
Interweaving the latest research with personal tales and real world examples, Awkward offers reassurance and provides valuable insights into how we can embrace our personal quirks and unique talents to harness our awesome potential—and more comfortably navigate our complex world.
As humans, we all need to belong. While modern social life can make even the best of us feel gawky, for roughly one in five of us, navigating its challenges is consistently overwhelming—an ongoing maze without an exit. Often unable to grasp social cues or master the skills and grace necessary for smooth interaction, we feel out of sync with those around us. Though individuals may recognize their awkward disposition, they rarely understand why they are like this—which makes it hard for them to know how to adjust their behavior.
Psychologist and interpersonal relationship expert Ty Tashiro knows what it’s like to be awkward. Growing up, he could do math in his head and memorize the earned run averages of every National League starting pitcher. But he couldn’t pour liquids without spilling and habitually forgot to bring his glove to Little League games. In Awkward, he unpacks decades of research into human intelligence, neuroscience, personality, and sociology to help us better understand this widely shared trait. He explores its nature vs. nurture origins, considers how the awkward view the world, and delivers a welcome counterintuitive the same characteristics that make people socially clumsy can be harnessed to produce remarkable achievements.
Interweaving the latest research with personal tales and real world examples, Awkward offers reassurance and provides valuable insights into how we can embrace our personal quirks and unique talents to harness our awesome potential—and more comfortably navigate our complex world.
290 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 25, 2017
374 people are currently reading
5301 people want to read
About the author
Ty Tashiro
2 books75 followersTY TASHIRO is an author and relationship expert. In his forthcoming book, AWKWARD: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome, he explains why some of the same characteristics that make people feel socially awkward can be the same traits that propel them toward extraordinary achievements. He received his Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Minnesota and has been an award winning professor at the University of Maryland and University of Colorado. He lives in New York City.
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May 10, 2017
I consider myself an awkward person. However, I am that rare awkward person who was blessed with a group of highly extroverted, gregarious friends growing up, whose constant slumber parties and note-passing created a beautiful social bubble that kept me in regular contact with humans and also disguised the fact that without them, I was shy and didn’t know how to talk to people. Perhaps it occurred to me to wonder why I was always in trouble for talking too much in classes I shared with my friends, yet turned into a silent mouse in classes with kids I didn’t know well, but at the time it didn’t seem that weird to have two personalities depending on who was around. Now I recognize that there exists a Taryn For Public Consumption, who you’ll find sitting shifty-eyed in the corner and fidgeting with a napkin, and then, like a Russian nesting doll, a bunch of other progressively bigger, louder, (I would argue) funnier, (and if I’m being honest) more emotional Taryns that you might encounter if you get to know me better.
Thanks to the friend bubble, I didn’t fully realize how awkward I was until college, when that friend group dispersed and I was on my own to build a new one. Let me tell you, it was a rude awakening. And nowadays when my awkwardness rears its head, it continues to surprise me, because most of my life I’ve perceived myself as a socially normal, if not terribly popular or trendy, person. Then I walk into a crowded wedding reception full of tables for eight with my (one) husband and panic about which six strangers we’re going to have to make small talk with, and I remember. Oh yeah. This is who I am. I was just blissfully unaware of it for 18 years.
So reading Ty Tashiro’s book was extremely helpful to me, because it validated a lot of things I’d wondered about myself but didn’t know how to put into words. I’ve known I am an introvert for a while now, but Tashiro points out that that label alone doesn’t fully explain everything about him, and it doesn’t explain everything about my experience, either. It’s not just that I crave time alone, it’s that when I am in a social situation, I don’t know how to comport myself. It’s possible to be introverted and still feel comfortable in social situations, but it’s also possible to be introverted and feel paralyzed by them. One doesn’t necessarily predict the other. That was a big revelation for me, and a comforting one, since I’ve read so many introvert thinkpieces claiming that “being introverted doesn’t mean I’m socially inept!” that left me wondering, “But what if I am?” If introversion didn’t explain my social hiccups, did that mean I was defective? According to Tashiro, nope, I’m just awkward. Somehow, that’s a lot easier to live with.
Tashiro also discusses the link between giftedness and awkwardness, and while he’s careful to acknowledge that not all gifted kids are awkward and not all awkward kids are gifted, there’s a higher prevalence of awkwardness among gifted kids than non-gifted kids. Which is a real duh moment if you’ve ever spent any time in a self-contained gifted program. I remember being totally flummoxed one time on a church trip after an interaction with one of the popular girls in my youth group. (Yes, there were popular kids in youth group, welcome to the Bible Belt!) She had loudly criticized the way I was applying sunscreen, which drew the attention of the other kids and of course embarrassed me. I remember thinking, I know I am smarter than this girl. I know the kind of grades she gets in school. So why is it she knows how to get all these other kids on her side? How does she know how to manipulate every situation so she ends up with power and I end up looking dumb? I know I’m smart, so why can’t I figure out how to be more popular? Now I know that while I may have been book smart, that girl far outpaced me in social IQ, and they’re two completely different kinds of intelligence.
Not everything in the book resonated with me, but that’s to be expected, because there are a lot of ways to be awkward, and thankfully there are some awkward traits I don’t struggle with. For example, Tashiro tells a cute story on himself about a time in grade school when he made edits to his store-bought Valentines because he was uncomfortable with the strong emotions they expressed. Some awkward people are uncomfortable expressing or discussing strong emotions, but as someone who feels compelled to externally process every emotion she experiences (just ask my husband), I don’t have that problem. So I guess I’ve got that going for me.
Reflecting on my life this way has made me really thankful for that friend group I had growing up. It makes me want to give each of those girls a hug, and I’m not a hugger. Without them, I strongly suspect I would have spent most of my school years chewing on my hair and staring at the wall. It also fills me with a kind of awe that my husband and I, two incredibly awkward people, managed to meet and date and fall in love with each other. I remember our first date with eternal fondness, but I’m sure to an outside observer it was more like a slow-moving train wreck than violins and birdsong. Fortunately, he’s the kind of guy who finds it endearing that I brought a book with me.
More book recommendations by me at www.readingwithhippos.com
Thanks to the friend bubble, I didn’t fully realize how awkward I was until college, when that friend group dispersed and I was on my own to build a new one. Let me tell you, it was a rude awakening. And nowadays when my awkwardness rears its head, it continues to surprise me, because most of my life I’ve perceived myself as a socially normal, if not terribly popular or trendy, person. Then I walk into a crowded wedding reception full of tables for eight with my (one) husband and panic about which six strangers we’re going to have to make small talk with, and I remember. Oh yeah. This is who I am. I was just blissfully unaware of it for 18 years.
So reading Ty Tashiro’s book was extremely helpful to me, because it validated a lot of things I’d wondered about myself but didn’t know how to put into words. I’ve known I am an introvert for a while now, but Tashiro points out that that label alone doesn’t fully explain everything about him, and it doesn’t explain everything about my experience, either. It’s not just that I crave time alone, it’s that when I am in a social situation, I don’t know how to comport myself. It’s possible to be introverted and still feel comfortable in social situations, but it’s also possible to be introverted and feel paralyzed by them. One doesn’t necessarily predict the other. That was a big revelation for me, and a comforting one, since I’ve read so many introvert thinkpieces claiming that “being introverted doesn’t mean I’m socially inept!” that left me wondering, “But what if I am?” If introversion didn’t explain my social hiccups, did that mean I was defective? According to Tashiro, nope, I’m just awkward. Somehow, that’s a lot easier to live with.
Tashiro also discusses the link between giftedness and awkwardness, and while he’s careful to acknowledge that not all gifted kids are awkward and not all awkward kids are gifted, there’s a higher prevalence of awkwardness among gifted kids than non-gifted kids. Which is a real duh moment if you’ve ever spent any time in a self-contained gifted program. I remember being totally flummoxed one time on a church trip after an interaction with one of the popular girls in my youth group. (Yes, there were popular kids in youth group, welcome to the Bible Belt!) She had loudly criticized the way I was applying sunscreen, which drew the attention of the other kids and of course embarrassed me. I remember thinking, I know I am smarter than this girl. I know the kind of grades she gets in school. So why is it she knows how to get all these other kids on her side? How does she know how to manipulate every situation so she ends up with power and I end up looking dumb? I know I’m smart, so why can’t I figure out how to be more popular? Now I know that while I may have been book smart, that girl far outpaced me in social IQ, and they’re two completely different kinds of intelligence.
Not everything in the book resonated with me, but that’s to be expected, because there are a lot of ways to be awkward, and thankfully there are some awkward traits I don’t struggle with. For example, Tashiro tells a cute story on himself about a time in grade school when he made edits to his store-bought Valentines because he was uncomfortable with the strong emotions they expressed. Some awkward people are uncomfortable expressing or discussing strong emotions, but as someone who feels compelled to externally process every emotion she experiences (just ask my husband), I don’t have that problem. So I guess I’ve got that going for me.
Reflecting on my life this way has made me really thankful for that friend group I had growing up. It makes me want to give each of those girls a hug, and I’m not a hugger. Without them, I strongly suspect I would have spent most of my school years chewing on my hair and staring at the wall. It also fills me with a kind of awe that my husband and I, two incredibly awkward people, managed to meet and date and fall in love with each other. I remember our first date with eternal fondness, but I’m sure to an outside observer it was more like a slow-moving train wreck than violins and birdsong. Fortunately, he’s the kind of guy who finds it endearing that I brought a book with me.
More book recommendations by me at www.readingwithhippos.com
November 19, 2017
2.5 stars. This was a quick and easy read with some interesting points, but I don't think it really helped explain why we're socially awkward or how that's awesome. Certainly as an awkward individual, I felt no less awkward (or in any way awesome). Tashiro embraces the premise that awkward people are inherently more intelligent or talented compared to social butterflies. He only vaguely addresses the problem of the awkward person with average intellect and abilities (as I wave awkwardly), stating that such people likely have hidden or undiscovered talents. That answer just feels like a cop out to eschew the question and maintain the view that awkward people are awkward because they're too busy being focusing on their genius to study social norms. I'm not convinced.
January 8, 2023
3.5 stars
This was a good choice for my new project of reading off my TBR shelves of books I’ve owned for longer than 2 years. This was a nonfiction book I bought during an Audible sale. Not sure why there being a PDF included with this book excited me so much but it helped persuade me to buy this scientific, slightly biographical book.
I liked listening to this book. The narrator did a good job reading this book. His was was super clear so I always knew what he was saying. The downside was that his voice didn’t fluctuate a lot due to the scientific terms so my mind did wander a few times. I did have to listen to a few sections a few times while other sections really held my interest. The “awkward” examples seemed like realistic moments people would actually go through, and I might have gone through similar thing, so I appreciated them. I liked how he always brought those examples back into the chapter since there were subsections among the chapters.
In the beginning of the book, the author mentions that many people mix neurodivergent and moderate to highly awkward people together. This part got confusing as it seemed like this book seemed to be aimed towards neurodivergent people as they share a lot of the “awkward traits” talked about throughout this book. However, awkwardness can be worked on and there are useful suggestions on how to do that in this book. Neurodivergent individuals would need much more than these suggestions to adhere to social norms society says is appropriate to act in situations. The confusion is why I had to remove a star, I also noticed I wasn’t the only one with this issue, and it was one of the sections I had to listen to multiple times to grasp what was truly trying to be conveyed.
I’m glad I finally have read this book but I’m not sure I’ll remember much about it. If I find a copy of it at a used bookstore and the price is right, then I might buy it to mark useful sections and interesting tidbits. The psychology of awkwardness definitely interested me as I’m very awkward and recognized myself a little bit. I guess I was hoping for more from this book but the suggestions were pretty basic.
This was a good choice for my new project of reading off my TBR shelves of books I’ve owned for longer than 2 years. This was a nonfiction book I bought during an Audible sale. Not sure why there being a PDF included with this book excited me so much but it helped persuade me to buy this scientific, slightly biographical book.
I liked listening to this book. The narrator did a good job reading this book. His was was super clear so I always knew what he was saying. The downside was that his voice didn’t fluctuate a lot due to the scientific terms so my mind did wander a few times. I did have to listen to a few sections a few times while other sections really held my interest. The “awkward” examples seemed like realistic moments people would actually go through, and I might have gone through similar thing, so I appreciated them. I liked how he always brought those examples back into the chapter since there were subsections among the chapters.
In the beginning of the book, the author mentions that many people mix neurodivergent and moderate to highly awkward people together. This part got confusing as it seemed like this book seemed to be aimed towards neurodivergent people as they share a lot of the “awkward traits” talked about throughout this book. However, awkwardness can be worked on and there are useful suggestions on how to do that in this book. Neurodivergent individuals would need much more than these suggestions to adhere to social norms society says is appropriate to act in situations. The confusion is why I had to remove a star, I also noticed I wasn’t the only one with this issue, and it was one of the sections I had to listen to multiple times to grasp what was truly trying to be conveyed.
I’m glad I finally have read this book but I’m not sure I’ll remember much about it. If I find a copy of it at a used bookstore and the price is right, then I might buy it to mark useful sections and interesting tidbits. The psychology of awkwardness definitely interested me as I’m very awkward and recognized myself a little bit. I guess I was hoping for more from this book but the suggestions were pretty basic.
April 2, 2021
Viime vuonna kirjoitin blogiesseen ”Kiusaantuneisuudesta”. Tarkoitukseni on ollut kirjoittaa tekstiä uudelleen kokoelman kasaamista varten, joten hankin Ty Tashiron tietokirjan lähdemateriaaliksi, jotta olisi jotain tieteellisempää mihin tukeutua. Ajattelin poimivani kirjasta pari sitaattia käytettäväksi esseessä. Se ei toiminut niin. Awkward kertoo nimittäin aivan eri asiasta. Kuvasin tekstissäni tilanteita, jotka tuntuvat kiusallisilta, ja etsin tuntemusten lähteitä henkilöhistoriasta. Tashiro kertoo kirjassaan ihmisistä, jotka ovat kiusallisia, niistä, joille sosiaaliset tilanteet ovat kuin vaikea peli jossa joutuu jatkuvasti umpikujaan. Ajatteluni keikahti toiseen suuntaan viimeistään sivulla 35 nähdessäni kaavion. Se esittää ihmisiä, jotka sijoittuivat ”autism quotient score”-janalle. Tiivistettynä: sosiaalisesti ”normaalitkin” ihmiset saivat tutkimuksessa keskimäärin 16 pistettä. Autismidiagnooseja saaneiden keskimääräinen pistemäärä oli 32. Kaiken kaikkiaan 85 % ihmisistä sijoittuu alle 24 pisteen saajien joukkoon. Tuon 24 pisteen paikkeilla ovat ne, joita Tashiro kutsuu kirjassa nimityksellä ”awkward”. Heidän sosiaaliset haasteensa eivät ole niin suuret, että heidät diagnosoitaisiin autismin kirjolle, mutta heillä on sen verran haasteita, että ne eivät jää huomaamatta heiltä itseltään tai muilta. Kaavion nähtyäni totesin, että on todennäköisesti kirjoitettava erillinen essee, ”Kiusallisuudesta”.
Awkward on esseemäisen omakohtainen tietokirja, jossa on paikoin self-helpin piirteitä. Se on kirkaskielinen ja pysyy tiiviisti aiheessaan. Tashiro kuvaa omia kokemuksiaan kiusallisena ihmisenä, jota vanhemmat joutuivat lapsuudessa opastamaan monta kertaa, jotta hän saisi tilauksen tehtyä ravintolassa tai osaisi keskittyä oikealla tavalla, ettei läikyttäisi maitoa. Kiusallisuus näyttäytyy synnynnäisenä piirteenä, ja ympäristö voi joko auttaa tällaista ihmistä oppimaan sosiaalisia malleja ja sen avulla pärjäämään uusissa tilanteissa toisten kanssa, tai se voi syrjäyttää kiusallisena pitämänsä ihmisen. Kiusallisia määrittää erityisesti se, että he näkevät yksityiskohtia kuin kohdevalon kirkastamina, mutta kokonaiskuva jää heiltä hämärään – monet heistä ovat kuitenkin lahjakkaita asioissa joista ovat kiinnostuneita.
Kirja on varsin amerikkalainen korostaessaan kiusallisen yksilön vastuuta elämänsä parantamisessa; on sopeuduttava sosiaalisiin normeihin vaikka sitten pänttäämällä ”oikeat” käytössäännöt päähänsä. Melko vähäiseksi jää minusta sen sanoittaminen, että ihmisten tulisi kasvattaa lapsensa hyväksymään erilaiset ihmiset ja tulemaan toimeen heidän kanssaan – sen sijaan kiusallisten ihmisten karttaminen selitetään ihmisen biologisella yhteenkuuluvuuden tarpeella (jo metsästäjä-keräilijät…) ja lyödään siten lukkoon. Normaaliuden airueina esitetään kouluaikojen suositut, jotka hankkivat menestysuran, vilkkaan sosiaalisen elämän ja osaavat hymyillä kuvissa luontevasti.
Mieleeni hiipii pohdinta: onko tästä kirjoitettu suomeksi niin vähän sen takia, että meillä ei ole kunnon käännöstä sanalle awkward? (Olen tässä käyttänyt ”kiusallista”, mutta monissa tilanteissa voisi toimia paremmin ”nolo”.) Vai onko kyse samasta asiasta kuin introverttiuden tapauksessa: suomalaisessa yhteiskunnassa on osattu suhtautua ymmärtävämmin sosiaalisissa tilanteissa tuppisuisiksi ja varautuneiksi jääviin ihmisiin – jotka pelkäävät sanovansa jotain hölmöä tai väärää –, koska täällä heitä on aina ollut paljon. Lisäksi kulttuurissamme ei ole yhtä korostunutta tiukkojen näkymättömien sääntöjen small talk -käytäntöä, jossa on osattava sanoa oikealla sävyllä kaikille kohtaamilleen ihmisille ”hello, how are you, fine thanks, have a nice day” ja hymyiltävä säteillen koko ajan. Vai korostanko kulttuurieroja liikaa? Onhan täkäläistenkin kesken puhuttu paljon selän takana ihmisten kummallisesta käytöksestä ja kömmähdyksistä, ja monet tulevat lapsena kiusatuiksi, koska eivät osaa sosiaalista peliä niin hyvin kuin valtaosa. Mutta mittakaava kirjan kuvaamissa asioissa on ehkä jossain määrin eri Atlantin toisella puolen.
Vaikka Tashiro puhuu kiusallisista ihmisistä ryhmänä, hän muistuttaa että moni ”socially fluent” kokee myös kiusaantumisen tunteita. Tämä oli havaittavissa myös aiemman esseeni saamissa kommenteissa. Ihminen ei koskaan ole tiukasti määriteltävissä lokeroon, eikä kukaan sovi sataprosenttisesti otsikon alle.
Ja miten tämä aihe liittyy minuun? Siitä kerron, kun saan joskus kirjoitettua sen esseen.
”Awkward people find themselves at a complicated intersection, caught in the gray area where society tries to draw clear lines between normality and abnormality.” (s. 41)
Awkward on esseemäisen omakohtainen tietokirja, jossa on paikoin self-helpin piirteitä. Se on kirkaskielinen ja pysyy tiiviisti aiheessaan. Tashiro kuvaa omia kokemuksiaan kiusallisena ihmisenä, jota vanhemmat joutuivat lapsuudessa opastamaan monta kertaa, jotta hän saisi tilauksen tehtyä ravintolassa tai osaisi keskittyä oikealla tavalla, ettei läikyttäisi maitoa. Kiusallisuus näyttäytyy synnynnäisenä piirteenä, ja ympäristö voi joko auttaa tällaista ihmistä oppimaan sosiaalisia malleja ja sen avulla pärjäämään uusissa tilanteissa toisten kanssa, tai se voi syrjäyttää kiusallisena pitämänsä ihmisen. Kiusallisia määrittää erityisesti se, että he näkevät yksityiskohtia kuin kohdevalon kirkastamina, mutta kokonaiskuva jää heiltä hämärään – monet heistä ovat kuitenkin lahjakkaita asioissa joista ovat kiinnostuneita.
Kirja on varsin amerikkalainen korostaessaan kiusallisen yksilön vastuuta elämänsä parantamisessa; on sopeuduttava sosiaalisiin normeihin vaikka sitten pänttäämällä ”oikeat” käytössäännöt päähänsä. Melko vähäiseksi jää minusta sen sanoittaminen, että ihmisten tulisi kasvattaa lapsensa hyväksymään erilaiset ihmiset ja tulemaan toimeen heidän kanssaan – sen sijaan kiusallisten ihmisten karttaminen selitetään ihmisen biologisella yhteenkuuluvuuden tarpeella (jo metsästäjä-keräilijät…) ja lyödään siten lukkoon. Normaaliuden airueina esitetään kouluaikojen suositut, jotka hankkivat menestysuran, vilkkaan sosiaalisen elämän ja osaavat hymyillä kuvissa luontevasti.
Mieleeni hiipii pohdinta: onko tästä kirjoitettu suomeksi niin vähän sen takia, että meillä ei ole kunnon käännöstä sanalle awkward? (Olen tässä käyttänyt ”kiusallista”, mutta monissa tilanteissa voisi toimia paremmin ”nolo”.) Vai onko kyse samasta asiasta kuin introverttiuden tapauksessa: suomalaisessa yhteiskunnassa on osattu suhtautua ymmärtävämmin sosiaalisissa tilanteissa tuppisuisiksi ja varautuneiksi jääviin ihmisiin – jotka pelkäävät sanovansa jotain hölmöä tai väärää –, koska täällä heitä on aina ollut paljon. Lisäksi kulttuurissamme ei ole yhtä korostunutta tiukkojen näkymättömien sääntöjen small talk -käytäntöä, jossa on osattava sanoa oikealla sävyllä kaikille kohtaamilleen ihmisille ”hello, how are you, fine thanks, have a nice day” ja hymyiltävä säteillen koko ajan. Vai korostanko kulttuurieroja liikaa? Onhan täkäläistenkin kesken puhuttu paljon selän takana ihmisten kummallisesta käytöksestä ja kömmähdyksistä, ja monet tulevat lapsena kiusatuiksi, koska eivät osaa sosiaalista peliä niin hyvin kuin valtaosa. Mutta mittakaava kirjan kuvaamissa asioissa on ehkä jossain määrin eri Atlantin toisella puolen.
Vaikka Tashiro puhuu kiusallisista ihmisistä ryhmänä, hän muistuttaa että moni ”socially fluent” kokee myös kiusaantumisen tunteita. Tämä oli havaittavissa myös aiemman esseeni saamissa kommenteissa. Ihminen ei koskaan ole tiukasti määriteltävissä lokeroon, eikä kukaan sovi sataprosenttisesti otsikon alle.
Ja miten tämä aihe liittyy minuun? Siitä kerron, kun saan joskus kirjoitettua sen esseen.
”Awkward people find themselves at a complicated intersection, caught in the gray area where society tries to draw clear lines between normality and abnormality.” (s. 41)
June 29, 2020
Using himself as a case study, author makes presents an argument that some autism diagnoses are social awkwardness. After reading through the repetitious support, my opinion aligns with his.
The book seemed to mimic the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, in which introversion and awkwardness appear to go hand in hand. Check out my fun review. The author’s description of awkwardness seems to support my view of introversion: “Awkward people are more likely than non-awkward people to process information in a detail-oriented way, which means that they sometimes have trouble seeing the bigger picture.”
The author continues about how friends are made (or not). ”Social psychologists have studied hundreds of possible factors that predict why people become friends. After decades of testing elaborate theories, the answer has repeatedly come down to three factors: proximity, similarity, and reciprocated liking. In other words, we end up being friends with people who are close by, who are similar to us, and who are willing to tell us that they like us.” Makes sense.
For me personally, this is what most resonated most as I look to make friends: ”In an ongoing conversation, the cues people use to evaluate others’ likability are not so much about what you say, but rather how much they feel that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.” All of this makes sense, but I’ve never thought of it through this lens.
Finally, I have to say I enjoyed the stories of awkwardness throughout his childhood. This should not be interpreted as laughing at him but rather, that I essentially had the same experiences.
The book seemed to mimic the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, in which introversion and awkwardness appear to go hand in hand. Check out my fun review. The author’s description of awkwardness seems to support my view of introversion: “Awkward people are more likely than non-awkward people to process information in a detail-oriented way, which means that they sometimes have trouble seeing the bigger picture.”
The author continues about how friends are made (or not). ”Social psychologists have studied hundreds of possible factors that predict why people become friends. After decades of testing elaborate theories, the answer has repeatedly come down to three factors: proximity, similarity, and reciprocated liking. In other words, we end up being friends with people who are close by, who are similar to us, and who are willing to tell us that they like us.” Makes sense.
For me personally, this is what most resonated most as I look to make friends: ”In an ongoing conversation, the cues people use to evaluate others’ likability are not so much about what you say, but rather how much they feel that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.” All of this makes sense, but I’ve never thought of it through this lens.
Finally, I have to say I enjoyed the stories of awkwardness throughout his childhood. This should not be interpreted as laughing at him but rather, that I essentially had the same experiences.
September 9, 2021
What a fabulous book! I'm not especially awkward and my social life is not very hampered by awkwardness but I am so enamored by this book. It was a fun read, a useful read, an interesting read. Ty Tashiro is a gifted storyteller and his personal anecdotes, weaved together with scientific research AND practical good sense advice is an irresistible combination. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is on the autism spectrum and struggles with social relationships. (Or to their parents.) The spotlight metaphor is extremely enlightening--some people don't see what's happening on center stage as "the main action" and instead are looking at certain details on the side as if they are in a spotlight. They *could* pay attention the the middle of the stage, but it's dark and not that captivating.
The book goes through both the pitfalls and benefits of this way of viewing things. (Did you know that primates evolved a specific part of the brain to navigate and understand social relationships and in awkward people on fMRI this part of their brain doesn't light up when they are puzzling through social things? Rather, the part of the brain used to solve math problems lights up in their brain.)
Another fascinating aspect of this type of personality is a phenomenon called the "rage to master." This is a description of the intensity and single-mindedness they bring to mastery, even the more rote and "boring" aspects. Tomorrow I plan to type out a number of quotes from this book that I particularly enjoyed or that struck me because even though I don't relate to the awkward part much, there were many things that greatly interested me about this book.
The book goes through both the pitfalls and benefits of this way of viewing things. (Did you know that primates evolved a specific part of the brain to navigate and understand social relationships and in awkward people on fMRI this part of their brain doesn't light up when they are puzzling through social things? Rather, the part of the brain used to solve math problems lights up in their brain.)
Another fascinating aspect of this type of personality is a phenomenon called the "rage to master." This is a description of the intensity and single-mindedness they bring to mastery, even the more rote and "boring" aspects. Tomorrow I plan to type out a number of quotes from this book that I particularly enjoyed or that struck me because even though I don't relate to the awkward part much, there were many things that greatly interested me about this book.
July 15, 2023
Awkward was, at a basic level, very comforting to me. It would be a folly for me to pretend that I am anything but awkward in so many social situations. Ty's mention of social embarrassments kick-starting a personal sense for the need to study fellow humans paralleled my own experiences as a middle schooler. Toward the beginning of the book Ty mentions the nagging question, "Just how much should I change myself in order to become more socially aware & adept, while still maintaining my own personality?" (I'm aggressively paraphrasing here.) That stuck with me. And toward the end of the book Ty mentions the drive many awkward people feel with their various interests as a "rage to master." Yeah, dude. I felt that. The discussion of persevering through rejection (multiple waves of rejection) was important for me to read. This book was worth my time and encouraged some thoughtfulness between my ears.
January 2, 2019
A psychologist looks at some data about awkwardness and draws some conclusions.
Confession: I listened to the audiobook version of this work, and sometimes my mind wandered. I don’t often listen to audiobook nonfiction, as I’m more of a visual learner, but this book’s intriguing subject and conversational tone made for a generally positive listening experience, even if I may have missed some details. This is definitely intended as a popular, rather than scholarly, work. I’m not sure if did everything promised in the subtitle, but it gave me some thoughts to chew on.
Confession: I listened to the audiobook version of this work, and sometimes my mind wandered. I don’t often listen to audiobook nonfiction, as I’m more of a visual learner, but this book’s intriguing subject and conversational tone made for a generally positive listening experience, even if I may have missed some details. This is definitely intended as a popular, rather than scholarly, work. I’m not sure if did everything promised in the subtitle, but it gave me some thoughts to chew on.
July 15, 2017
Review of AWKWARD: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome written by Ty Tashiro, PhD
13 July 2017
Stolzenbach Hessen
(Original from https://sinistralway.com/review-of-aw...)
New Ways to Join the Human Condition Club
I’ve never experienced this before: It’s a great feeling to have Christmas shopping finished in mid-July! I’m going to purchase a copy of Dr. Ty Tashiro’s new book, AWKWARD, for everyone who puts up with me.
Ty is very kind to his reader and his Voice on the page is patient and wise. While offering enviable real-world insight, Ty also cites his sources, which are based on the latest neuroscience and psychology research (2017). The psychologist describes what it was like coming up awkward through grade school in the ‘80s with such precision I had to ask him about his handedness (#truestory). While everyone else in junior high was wearing black Metallica t-shirts and bluejeans, we the awkward took an overthought tack instead:
“My blanket philosophy that an adultlike approach would be my best bet led to a number of misguided tactical decisions. When the first day of [junior high] school arrived, I chose an outfit that included a starched baby-blue oxford, a crisp pair of pleated khaki pants, and a pair of extra-large, square silver glasses that looked like the bifocals my grandparents’ friends wore. If I were a sixty-year-old accountant, I would have looked dashing.” ~Ty Tashiro
My first day of seventh grade at Lassiter Middle School in Louisville (after getting kicked out of a third Catholic school) went down pretty much the same way. I stood so brilliantly out of place, Patrick Delkener swam across the packed lunchroom wearing ripped jeans and a black Megadeth shirt — he took me under his wing: “Dude, it’s so obvious you’re gay,” he said quietly patting my shoulder, “I know because my older sister is gay too. It’s cool man, just don’t tell anyone.” Patrick protected me and – after a brief discussion on all the sex stuff I knew nothing about – we discovered that I was simply lefthanded.
Ty often uses the stage- and spotlight metaphor as a way to accurately describe how awkward people see the world: while watching a play on stage, socially intuitive people can see the whole production under stagelight; socially awkward people, on the other hand, have a spotlight focus on one part of the stage. This means it takes an awkward person – upon entering a social event – more time for their brain|eyes to react to the scene.
Lefthanded kids experience the same thing, but I always described it as “reverse-engineering” the situation: seeing the end goal; evaluating the steps required to get there; execute. After evaluating and testing hundreds (or perhaps thousands?) of social interactions, it is possible to develop social intuition.
Ty Tashiro has used his doctorate in psychology from the University of Minnesota in many capacities: as researcher, professor, and practitioner. His unique interests, skills, and talents have landed him publication in the New York Times, the Washington Post, TIME, and The Atlantic – he’s even given TED@NYC talks. I welcome many of his mantras sinking into my skull: be fair, kind, and loyal in all things; work to widen spotlight view to stagelight; recognize rage to master tendencies.
Be fair, kind, and loyal in your friendships and social interactions. I will repeat this to myself daily and be aware of the “rage to master” personality trait. Ty attributes the rage-to-master theory to Professor Ellen Winner, chair of the psychology department at Boston College and senior researcher at Harvard, who claims that gifted people tend to exhibit a unique ability at the sacrifice of something else (i.e., smart but not socially adept):
“Technically, giftedness is defined by someone’s level of ability, their raw intelligence, athleticism, or artistic ability. But Professor Winner and others have found that gifted individuals are also more likely to have a certain type of personality. Gifted people tend to be stubborn, rebellious, and perfectionistic. They show an unusual drive to master their area of interest and they are constantly trying to push the status quo, which motivates them to pursue their interest with an unusual intensity and persistence. Winner calls this constellation of personality characteristics and attitudes the ‘rage to master.’”
I’m betting the folks who know me are currently nodding their heads. I laughed out loud when I read this next bit b\c I’d recently experienced it at Spalding University’s writing residency: “Even when talented people share the same areas of interest as their peers, their rage to master can be off-putting to others who want to have fun instead of rage. When talented people cannot approach their interests with the intensity or pace they prefer, you will sometimes hear them say, ‘This person has no sense of urgency!’” 😂🤣😂 [my emphasis]
AWKWARD is an important text for the current era in which we live. I have never witnessed and experienced the heightened-mean-spirited vibe that is currently permeating the United States. It’s a lefthanded thing to be able to blend in just about anywhere, but currently I’m at a loss as to what Chameleon color I should be in 2017. Until I figure it out, I’m looking for ways to bring the rampant tribalism closer toward the center. One way is following the lead of Tori Murden McClure, author of A Pearl in the Storm, who created the first Charter for Compassion (charterforcompassion.org) school in the U.S. (Spalding University); Ty Tashiro’s philosophy in AWKWARD is another way to bring us all closer.
In this text, Ty identifies – through both research and personal experience – a specialized group (like leftys) that may sometimes appear out of place (and sound aggressive in person) but always maintain the best possible intent. He also provides guides for people like us interacting with the world, and for the world interacting with people like us 😬
I wrote to Professor Tashiro b\c I had to know if he was lefthanded (supporting documentation for my creative thesis Sinistral Way) and it turned out even better than expected: “. . . I was interested to see your question because as I thought about it, I was kind of surprised that I’m not lefthanded. I’m not an expert in the psychological research on left-handedness, but from what I know, the creativity and stubbornness to follow a different path (which of course can be positive) does seem to overlap with some of the dispositions that characterize many awkward people. It’s interesting that compared to the base rate of left-handedness in the general population [10–15%], I seem to have a disproportionate number of friends who are left-handed. Hmmm . . . so interesting.”
Ty found a way to include everyone and anyone in this specialized group. I will endeavor to do the same in the book I’m working on, Sinistral Way. I can’t thank Ty enough for showing me a way to do that in AWKWARD and I have personally thanked him for writing this book: it is a rare treasure. Please purchase a few copies: it will shed light on past awkward interactions, better prepare you for future interactions, and give you an edge in communicating with the highly skilled people who can bring your vision to fruition.
13 July 2017
Stolzenbach Hessen
(Original from https://sinistralway.com/review-of-aw...)
New Ways to Join the Human Condition Club
I’ve never experienced this before: It’s a great feeling to have Christmas shopping finished in mid-July! I’m going to purchase a copy of Dr. Ty Tashiro’s new book, AWKWARD, for everyone who puts up with me.
Ty is very kind to his reader and his Voice on the page is patient and wise. While offering enviable real-world insight, Ty also cites his sources, which are based on the latest neuroscience and psychology research (2017). The psychologist describes what it was like coming up awkward through grade school in the ‘80s with such precision I had to ask him about his handedness (#truestory). While everyone else in junior high was wearing black Metallica t-shirts and bluejeans, we the awkward took an overthought tack instead:
“My blanket philosophy that an adultlike approach would be my best bet led to a number of misguided tactical decisions. When the first day of [junior high] school arrived, I chose an outfit that included a starched baby-blue oxford, a crisp pair of pleated khaki pants, and a pair of extra-large, square silver glasses that looked like the bifocals my grandparents’ friends wore. If I were a sixty-year-old accountant, I would have looked dashing.” ~Ty Tashiro
My first day of seventh grade at Lassiter Middle School in Louisville (after getting kicked out of a third Catholic school) went down pretty much the same way. I stood so brilliantly out of place, Patrick Delkener swam across the packed lunchroom wearing ripped jeans and a black Megadeth shirt — he took me under his wing: “Dude, it’s so obvious you’re gay,” he said quietly patting my shoulder, “I know because my older sister is gay too. It’s cool man, just don’t tell anyone.” Patrick protected me and – after a brief discussion on all the sex stuff I knew nothing about – we discovered that I was simply lefthanded.
Ty often uses the stage- and spotlight metaphor as a way to accurately describe how awkward people see the world: while watching a play on stage, socially intuitive people can see the whole production under stagelight; socially awkward people, on the other hand, have a spotlight focus on one part of the stage. This means it takes an awkward person – upon entering a social event – more time for their brain|eyes to react to the scene.
Lefthanded kids experience the same thing, but I always described it as “reverse-engineering” the situation: seeing the end goal; evaluating the steps required to get there; execute. After evaluating and testing hundreds (or perhaps thousands?) of social interactions, it is possible to develop social intuition.
Ty Tashiro has used his doctorate in psychology from the University of Minnesota in many capacities: as researcher, professor, and practitioner. His unique interests, skills, and talents have landed him publication in the New York Times, the Washington Post, TIME, and The Atlantic – he’s even given TED@NYC talks. I welcome many of his mantras sinking into my skull: be fair, kind, and loyal in all things; work to widen spotlight view to stagelight; recognize rage to master tendencies.
Be fair, kind, and loyal in your friendships and social interactions. I will repeat this to myself daily and be aware of the “rage to master” personality trait. Ty attributes the rage-to-master theory to Professor Ellen Winner, chair of the psychology department at Boston College and senior researcher at Harvard, who claims that gifted people tend to exhibit a unique ability at the sacrifice of something else (i.e., smart but not socially adept):
“Technically, giftedness is defined by someone’s level of ability, their raw intelligence, athleticism, or artistic ability. But Professor Winner and others have found that gifted individuals are also more likely to have a certain type of personality. Gifted people tend to be stubborn, rebellious, and perfectionistic. They show an unusual drive to master their area of interest and they are constantly trying to push the status quo, which motivates them to pursue their interest with an unusual intensity and persistence. Winner calls this constellation of personality characteristics and attitudes the ‘rage to master.’”
I’m betting the folks who know me are currently nodding their heads. I laughed out loud when I read this next bit b\c I’d recently experienced it at Spalding University’s writing residency: “Even when talented people share the same areas of interest as their peers, their rage to master can be off-putting to others who want to have fun instead of rage. When talented people cannot approach their interests with the intensity or pace they prefer, you will sometimes hear them say, ‘This person has no sense of urgency!’” 😂🤣😂 [my emphasis]
AWKWARD is an important text for the current era in which we live. I have never witnessed and experienced the heightened-mean-spirited vibe that is currently permeating the United States. It’s a lefthanded thing to be able to blend in just about anywhere, but currently I’m at a loss as to what Chameleon color I should be in 2017. Until I figure it out, I’m looking for ways to bring the rampant tribalism closer toward the center. One way is following the lead of Tori Murden McClure, author of A Pearl in the Storm, who created the first Charter for Compassion (charterforcompassion.org) school in the U.S. (Spalding University); Ty Tashiro’s philosophy in AWKWARD is another way to bring us all closer.
In this text, Ty identifies – through both research and personal experience – a specialized group (like leftys) that may sometimes appear out of place (and sound aggressive in person) but always maintain the best possible intent. He also provides guides for people like us interacting with the world, and for the world interacting with people like us 😬
I wrote to Professor Tashiro b\c I had to know if he was lefthanded (supporting documentation for my creative thesis Sinistral Way) and it turned out even better than expected: “. . . I was interested to see your question because as I thought about it, I was kind of surprised that I’m not lefthanded. I’m not an expert in the psychological research on left-handedness, but from what I know, the creativity and stubbornness to follow a different path (which of course can be positive) does seem to overlap with some of the dispositions that characterize many awkward people. It’s interesting that compared to the base rate of left-handedness in the general population [10–15%], I seem to have a disproportionate number of friends who are left-handed. Hmmm . . . so interesting.”
Ty found a way to include everyone and anyone in this specialized group. I will endeavor to do the same in the book I’m working on, Sinistral Way. I can’t thank Ty enough for showing me a way to do that in AWKWARD and I have personally thanked him for writing this book: it is a rare treasure. Please purchase a few copies: it will shed light on past awkward interactions, better prepare you for future interactions, and give you an edge in communicating with the highly skilled people who can bring your vision to fruition.
June 10, 2024
If you need a book that reaffirms all the ways that you're socially and romantically awkward...
This book had potential. That's about where it starts and ends. Unfortunately, it does nothing for those who are actually awkward except point out insecurities and examples of how this leads to failure. If you're wanting guidance about how to become less socially awkward and approachable, you should seek it elsewhere.
I don't doubt Dr. Tashiro's credentials, but not much effort went into this book. I'd go as far as to call it triggering. It did nothing other than give his patients' insight into how he views them; broken beings in need of a good "get over it, embrace your awkward...oh, and that's awesome."
The problem I have is that "we're " being identified as awkward while everyone else is normal so we're the ones in need of fixing something. The "awesome" part of the title is like delivering a back-handed compliment.
Insert yourself, assert yourself is the message I gathered. No practical techniques or feedback for "regular" folks. I might need to reread this because it has a few high reviews and if Simon Sinek believes there's more to it, then I clearly missed something.
Any feedback that was given could be found on the back of any fortune cookie.
I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who feels awkward or introverted.
Extroverts and ambiverts might get a boost of confidence from it to apply to one-off social situations.
This book had potential. That's about where it starts and ends. Unfortunately, it does nothing for those who are actually awkward except point out insecurities and examples of how this leads to failure. If you're wanting guidance about how to become less socially awkward and approachable, you should seek it elsewhere.
I don't doubt Dr. Tashiro's credentials, but not much effort went into this book. I'd go as far as to call it triggering. It did nothing other than give his patients' insight into how he views them; broken beings in need of a good "get over it, embrace your awkward...oh, and that's awesome."
The problem I have is that "we're " being identified as awkward while everyone else is normal so we're the ones in need of fixing something. The "awesome" part of the title is like delivering a back-handed compliment.
Insert yourself, assert yourself is the message I gathered. No practical techniques or feedback for "regular" folks. I might need to reread this because it has a few high reviews and if Simon Sinek believes there's more to it, then I clearly missed something.
Any feedback that was given could be found on the back of any fortune cookie.
I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who feels awkward or introverted.
Extroverts and ambiverts might get a boost of confidence from it to apply to one-off social situations.
July 7, 2020
Using himself as a case study, author makes presents an argument that some autism diagnoses are social awkwardness. After reading through the repetitious support, my opinion aligns with his.
The book seemed to mimic the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, in which introversion and awkwardness appear to go hand in hand. Check out my review The author’s description of awkwardness seems to support my view of introversion: “Awkward people are more likely than non-awkward people to process information in a detail-oriented way, which means that they sometimes have trouble seeing the bigger picture.”
The author continues about how friends are made (or not). ”Social psychologists have studied hundreds of possible factors that predict why people become friends. After decades of testing elaborate theories, the answer has repeatedly come down to three factors: proximity, similarity, and reciprocated liking. In other words, we end up being friends with people who are close by, who are similar to us, and who are willing to tell us that they like us.” Makes sense.
For me personally, this is what most resonated most as I look to make friends: ”In an ongoing conversation, the cues people use to evaluate others’ likability are not so much about what you say, but rather how much they feel that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.” All of this makes sense, but I’ve never thought of it through this lens.
Finally, I have to say I enjoyed the stories of awkwardness throughout his childhood. This should not be interpreted as laughing at him but rather, that I essentially had the same experiences.
The book seemed to mimic the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, in which introversion and awkwardness appear to go hand in hand. Check out my review The author’s description of awkwardness seems to support my view of introversion: “Awkward people are more likely than non-awkward people to process information in a detail-oriented way, which means that they sometimes have trouble seeing the bigger picture.”
The author continues about how friends are made (or not). ”Social psychologists have studied hundreds of possible factors that predict why people become friends. After decades of testing elaborate theories, the answer has repeatedly come down to three factors: proximity, similarity, and reciprocated liking. In other words, we end up being friends with people who are close by, who are similar to us, and who are willing to tell us that they like us.” Makes sense.
For me personally, this is what most resonated most as I look to make friends: ”In an ongoing conversation, the cues people use to evaluate others’ likability are not so much about what you say, but rather how much they feel that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.” All of this makes sense, but I’ve never thought of it through this lens.
Finally, I have to say I enjoyed the stories of awkwardness throughout his childhood. This should not be interpreted as laughing at him but rather, that I essentially had the same experiences.
April 4, 2018
There's something to "write what you know," but Tashiro leaned too far into it in this book. Yes, he was awkward. But all of the examples and anecdotes in the book were his examples and anecdotes. It felt like too narrow a perspective, even with the research and studies to fill the book out.
Additionally, I think I was just the wrong audience. I consider myself awkward on a frequent basis, but I'm not Tashiro's definition of awkward - essentially, just off the spectrum - and so some of the best parts of the book (imho) - the steps you can take to feel comfortable ordering fast food, for example - weren't useful for me. It might be a great how-to book in some ways for people who are struggling with extreme awkwardness themselves or with the people they spend time with. But it didn't feel as broadly accessible as I'd hoped, and as a reader who is interested, but not affected, it left a lot to be desired.
Additionally, I think I was just the wrong audience. I consider myself awkward on a frequent basis, but I'm not Tashiro's definition of awkward - essentially, just off the spectrum - and so some of the best parts of the book (imho) - the steps you can take to feel comfortable ordering fast food, for example - weren't useful for me. It might be a great how-to book in some ways for people who are struggling with extreme awkwardness themselves or with the people they spend time with. But it didn't feel as broadly accessible as I'd hoped, and as a reader who is interested, but not affected, it left a lot to be desired.
March 10, 2020
For me, this wasn't as life changing as Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, but I really enjoyed it.
February 8, 2018
Awkward explains why some people seem so awkward, why they are awkward, and why that might be a good thing. It also gives ideas for awkward people wanting to fit in better. I liked it. It was interesting.
August 27, 2020
A fun read that was more than a little relatable, this book covers a wide aspect of what being awkward means and some suggested ways to make social situations easier to navigate.
____
Awkward people see the world different from non-awkward people, using a narrow spotlight (fragmented viewpoint), rather than taking in the big social picture (tone in the room, level of formality etc). This spotlighted attention gravitates towards nonsocial areas that are systematic in nature, which is why they like the rules of math or logic of coding.
"Awkward people often tell me : 'I wish that people would give me a chance because I think that they will like me'".
The guiding question of social deliberations - how do you fit in without losing yourself? - manners and etiquette serve as the common ground, as baseline expectations.
When individuals adhere to expectations, such as friendly greetings or turn taking, they are demonstrating in small ways that they want to be prosocial, that they are aligned to the broader goals of the group.
The difference between social anxiety and awkwardness is anxiety is unreasonable fear about being inappropriate, while awkwardness refers to (concern over) one's actual ability to be appropriate.
Awkward people sometimes have a heightened sense of fairness or compassion because they have been on the receiving end of unfair or unkind acts.
Being socially skilled is like a language, that most people are fluent in. The three important cues that give awkward people trouble: non-verbal behaviours, facial expressions, and decoding language used during social conversations.
There is often an agitated vibe that characterises your interactions with awkward people, giving the appearance that they are nervous, upset, or irritated. If you view the awkward people as someone experiencing the interaction as particularly intense, the unusual vibe starts to make more sense.
As a coping mechanism, awkward people learn to temper this intensity by avoiding things that trigger strong emotions, like avoiding eye contact, sidestepping emotional conversations, or might even feel overwhelmed by praise from others.
Awkward people's emotional lives could be potentially adaptive (think Kipling's "if you can keep your head when everyone else is losing theirs) being calm in stressful situations, or having obssessive attention to detail.
Both popular and likeable people tend to be socially fluent, but people motivated by popularity use their mind-reading skills to boost their social status or protect their position, while likeable people use it for the greater good.
*Likeable people are driven by 3 core values: be fair, be kind, and be loyal.*
Bullies' moral reasoning capabilities are as sound as their peers, though they show significantly lower levels of compassion, and were more likely to rationalise their immoral behaviour by seeing their selfish gains as taking precedence over the emotional costs incurred by victims.
Numerous intellectuals have pointed to an interesting shift in the expectations held by the modern family. The expectation used to be that parents simply provide a safe, supportive environment for their children, but that shifted to an expectations that parents intensely manage their children's progress towards discernable achievements in the classroom or playing field.
Part of the job description of being a child is to do some things that are socially inappropriate or foolish, suffer the consequences, and then take responsibility for the correcting course.
Awkward kids are slower to realise that factual comments can be hurtful or get other people in trouble; for them, it's just reporting the facts.
Mentally preparing kids for social interactions is no different from helping kids with their math homework. There is a valuable opportunity to coaching them in concrete skills that can make a difference in their ability to smoothly navigate social situations and form meaningful ties.
What awkward kids need from their families: clear expectations, a sound rationale for rules and routines, and fairness in enforcing these expectations. (systemic treatment)
By heavily weighing fairness, kindness and loyalty, one buys leeway to bypass some of the minor social expectations. (working the halo effect).
We end up being friends with people close by, who are similar to us, and reciprocate liking (are willing to tell us they like us).
Core message of Alkon's book on manners - good manners are important because they are a mechanism for showing other people empathy and respect.
Etiquette decreases the proportion of unpredictability in social situations (a playbook for common scenarios), allowing awkward people to focus on actually being in the moment.
Gifted people tend to be stubborn, rebellious, and perfectionistic. They show an unusual drive to master their area of interest and they are constantly trying to push the status quo, which motivates them to pursue their interest with unusual intensity and persistence. Ellen Winner calls this the "rage to master".
The beauty of our social relationships is not about social awkwardness or skill, but rather comes from our kind attention to thousands of social details.
____
Awkward people see the world different from non-awkward people, using a narrow spotlight (fragmented viewpoint), rather than taking in the big social picture (tone in the room, level of formality etc). This spotlighted attention gravitates towards nonsocial areas that are systematic in nature, which is why they like the rules of math or logic of coding.
"Awkward people often tell me : 'I wish that people would give me a chance because I think that they will like me'".
The guiding question of social deliberations - how do you fit in without losing yourself? - manners and etiquette serve as the common ground, as baseline expectations.
When individuals adhere to expectations, such as friendly greetings or turn taking, they are demonstrating in small ways that they want to be prosocial, that they are aligned to the broader goals of the group.
The difference between social anxiety and awkwardness is anxiety is unreasonable fear about being inappropriate, while awkwardness refers to (concern over) one's actual ability to be appropriate.
Awkward people sometimes have a heightened sense of fairness or compassion because they have been on the receiving end of unfair or unkind acts.
Being socially skilled is like a language, that most people are fluent in. The three important cues that give awkward people trouble: non-verbal behaviours, facial expressions, and decoding language used during social conversations.
There is often an agitated vibe that characterises your interactions with awkward people, giving the appearance that they are nervous, upset, or irritated. If you view the awkward people as someone experiencing the interaction as particularly intense, the unusual vibe starts to make more sense.
As a coping mechanism, awkward people learn to temper this intensity by avoiding things that trigger strong emotions, like avoiding eye contact, sidestepping emotional conversations, or might even feel overwhelmed by praise from others.
Awkward people's emotional lives could be potentially adaptive (think Kipling's "if you can keep your head when everyone else is losing theirs) being calm in stressful situations, or having obssessive attention to detail.
Both popular and likeable people tend to be socially fluent, but people motivated by popularity use their mind-reading skills to boost their social status or protect their position, while likeable people use it for the greater good.
*Likeable people are driven by 3 core values: be fair, be kind, and be loyal.*
Bullies' moral reasoning capabilities are as sound as their peers, though they show significantly lower levels of compassion, and were more likely to rationalise their immoral behaviour by seeing their selfish gains as taking precedence over the emotional costs incurred by victims.
Numerous intellectuals have pointed to an interesting shift in the expectations held by the modern family. The expectation used to be that parents simply provide a safe, supportive environment for their children, but that shifted to an expectations that parents intensely manage their children's progress towards discernable achievements in the classroom or playing field.
Part of the job description of being a child is to do some things that are socially inappropriate or foolish, suffer the consequences, and then take responsibility for the correcting course.
Awkward kids are slower to realise that factual comments can be hurtful or get other people in trouble; for them, it's just reporting the facts.
Mentally preparing kids for social interactions is no different from helping kids with their math homework. There is a valuable opportunity to coaching them in concrete skills that can make a difference in their ability to smoothly navigate social situations and form meaningful ties.
What awkward kids need from their families: clear expectations, a sound rationale for rules and routines, and fairness in enforcing these expectations. (systemic treatment)
By heavily weighing fairness, kindness and loyalty, one buys leeway to bypass some of the minor social expectations. (working the halo effect).
We end up being friends with people close by, who are similar to us, and reciprocate liking (are willing to tell us they like us).
Core message of Alkon's book on manners - good manners are important because they are a mechanism for showing other people empathy and respect.
Etiquette decreases the proportion of unpredictability in social situations (a playbook for common scenarios), allowing awkward people to focus on actually being in the moment.
Gifted people tend to be stubborn, rebellious, and perfectionistic. They show an unusual drive to master their area of interest and they are constantly trying to push the status quo, which motivates them to pursue their interest with unusual intensity and persistence. Ellen Winner calls this the "rage to master".
The beauty of our social relationships is not about social awkwardness or skill, but rather comes from our kind attention to thousands of social details.
May 15, 2017
More useful advice than Quiet.
January 10, 2020
Listened to this audiobook and I really enjoyed it! Fascinating stuff about the medical diagnosis of "awkwardness" vs a meditation on the various meanings of the word. I found myself recognizing friends, family members, and even many of my own personality traits in some sections. Recommended!
July 8, 2017
There were some interesting anecdotes, but I don't know if I'm any closer to knowing the difference between the awkward and the shy. I think I'm more the former than the latter.
April 26, 2018
I know awkwardness.
My favorite book(s) growing up? A set of mahogany-colored, gilded-edged World Book encyclopedias. I waited anxiously for each annual "year-in-review" edition.
I learned the facts of life from a rather scandalous episode of NOVA on public broadcasting.
A natural introvert, I cobbled together an extroverted persona based in large part on mannerisms and one-liners I stole from classic TV characters I watched on Nick-at-Nite. I was what you got when you blended the physical comedy of Don Adams, the sarcasm of Jack Klugman, the wittiness of Alan Alda and the general aloofness/body language of Kelsey Grammer -- or, of their characters, at least.
Once, my car break down...on a first date.
I was three years old when I first tried to order a Bud Light -- in a crowded gas station, no less.
So, yeah, I know awkwardness. So does Ty Tashiro, the author and psychiatrist responsible for "Awkward: The Science Of Why We're Socially Awkward and Why That's Awesome." Tashiro, who was himself an awkward kid, dives deep into the minds, personalities, habits and potentials of the awkward among us.
What you might be wondering -- what I was certainly wondering at the onset -- is how Tashiro delineates the awkward from the non-awkward and, even more importantl, how he separates the awkward from the autistic. Tashiro relies on the Autism Quotient -- a test that includes 50 items measuring five characteristics that are commonly exhibited by autistic people (social skill deficits, communication problems, detail focus, trouble switching attention, active imagination).
Turns out, according to the Quotient scores, everyone is a little awkward. The average score was 16 -- which becomes the line of demarcation between the awkward and the non-awkward. A score of 32 distinguishes the autistic from the merely awkward. So, this book is focused primarily on those who score between 16 and 31 on the scale -- more awkward than average, but not autistic.
By relaying stories from his own childhood, as well as stories from some of the kids he has counseled, Tashiro explains the thought processes behind some of the more common awkward traits that we might spot in others. Tashiro even goes so far as to argue (compellingly) that certain career fields (computer science, for example) tend to attract more than the average number of awkward folks. (Spoiler alert: it's all about the detailed, repetitive processes).
Overall, he gives us an interesting and well-written book. Perhaps owing to the author's own obsessiveness, it is almost 100 percent free of typos (a rare feat, I'm sad to say).
One note that needs to be made, however -- and perhaps my only significant criticism of the book -- is the practically glowing, revisionist retelling of Hans Asperger's story. In Tashiro's account, Asperger (he of the eponymous autistic syndrome), saved his patients from elimination at the hands of the Nazis. Now, of course, we know that Asperger did quite the opposite -- he actively sent some of his patients off to die, and was complicit in the death of many others.
Now, in fairness to Tashiro, his book was published in 2017 -- mere months after the "Asperger as a murderer" truth began to emerge. It's quite possible that the new information had not reached him before the book went to press. Nevertheless, if there's a second edition, expect there to be no mention of the famous Austrian doctor.
My favorite book(s) growing up? A set of mahogany-colored, gilded-edged World Book encyclopedias. I waited anxiously for each annual "year-in-review" edition.
I learned the facts of life from a rather scandalous episode of NOVA on public broadcasting.
A natural introvert, I cobbled together an extroverted persona based in large part on mannerisms and one-liners I stole from classic TV characters I watched on Nick-at-Nite. I was what you got when you blended the physical comedy of Don Adams, the sarcasm of Jack Klugman, the wittiness of Alan Alda and the general aloofness/body language of Kelsey Grammer -- or, of their characters, at least.
Once, my car break down...on a first date.
I was three years old when I first tried to order a Bud Light -- in a crowded gas station, no less.
So, yeah, I know awkwardness. So does Ty Tashiro, the author and psychiatrist responsible for "Awkward: The Science Of Why We're Socially Awkward and Why That's Awesome." Tashiro, who was himself an awkward kid, dives deep into the minds, personalities, habits and potentials of the awkward among us.
What you might be wondering -- what I was certainly wondering at the onset -- is how Tashiro delineates the awkward from the non-awkward and, even more importantl, how he separates the awkward from the autistic. Tashiro relies on the Autism Quotient -- a test that includes 50 items measuring five characteristics that are commonly exhibited by autistic people (social skill deficits, communication problems, detail focus, trouble switching attention, active imagination).
Turns out, according to the Quotient scores, everyone is a little awkward. The average score was 16 -- which becomes the line of demarcation between the awkward and the non-awkward. A score of 32 distinguishes the autistic from the merely awkward. So, this book is focused primarily on those who score between 16 and 31 on the scale -- more awkward than average, but not autistic.
By relaying stories from his own childhood, as well as stories from some of the kids he has counseled, Tashiro explains the thought processes behind some of the more common awkward traits that we might spot in others. Tashiro even goes so far as to argue (compellingly) that certain career fields (computer science, for example) tend to attract more than the average number of awkward folks. (Spoiler alert: it's all about the detailed, repetitive processes).
Overall, he gives us an interesting and well-written book. Perhaps owing to the author's own obsessiveness, it is almost 100 percent free of typos (a rare feat, I'm sad to say).
One note that needs to be made, however -- and perhaps my only significant criticism of the book -- is the practically glowing, revisionist retelling of Hans Asperger's story. In Tashiro's account, Asperger (he of the eponymous autistic syndrome), saved his patients from elimination at the hands of the Nazis. Now, of course, we know that Asperger did quite the opposite -- he actively sent some of his patients off to die, and was complicit in the death of many others.
Now, in fairness to Tashiro, his book was published in 2017 -- mere months after the "Asperger as a murderer" truth began to emerge. It's quite possible that the new information had not reached him before the book went to press. Nevertheless, if there's a second edition, expect there to be no mention of the famous Austrian doctor.
December 2, 2017
Awkwardness is like the common cold--humanity seems to be stuck with it. Everyone is susceptible but some people more so. Everyone has the occasional awkward moment while some people seem to exude awkwardness. Psychologist Ty Tashiro realized that no one has pulled together the research on awkwardness and found answers to why we are awkward and what we can do about it. This book presents his findings with a blend of personal experience, real world examples, current research, and deep yet accessible analysis.
The first part of the book looks at awkwardness itself. Tashiro observes that awkward moments come when people miss certain social cues or expectations. For awkward people, their focus spotlights particular details that they find interesting, often missing the larger picture or other critical details in a situation. It's as if social rules are not intuitive or interesting to awkward people. However, once those rules are broken, the lapse is immediately obvious and uncomfortable. Understanding emotions is challenging for everyone and can be more difficult for awkward people. Certain parallels with autism are brought out though Tashiro does not identify awkwardness with autism. Learning some social dynamics and having strategies for dealing with particular situations are ways to alleviate the level of awkwardness in life for anyone.
The second part of the book looks at how modern society is making people feel more awkward. The shift away from face-to-face contact started with the telephone. Now with email and texting, a lot of the important interpretive details (facial expression, vocal inflection, etc.) are missing. The likelihood of misinterpreting or misconstruing an action or statement skyrockets. The problem is even worse in dating, where social expectations have shifted and blurred what used to be clear cut distinctions. When are you just friends? When are you going steady? When (or even if) should you get married? Nowadays, these questions have more ambiguity, causing more awkwardness.
The final part of the book considers how awkwardness is awesome. Tashiro discusses how being awkward is an adaptive trait. Evolutionarily, being awkward would seem like a negative trait that should eliminate those people from the gene pool. The awkward person's ability to stick with mundane tasks long past the point of boredom for a regular person can often contribute to the social group. Further, the ability to focus and to put together seemingly incongruent ideas is a hallmark of innovators and the awkward. There is a parallel or overlap between awkwardness and brilliance. Awkwardness definitely has an upside.
The book is surprisingly engaging. The author usually starts chapters with a personal anecdote (he's had his own awkward life) or a real life example and uses it throughout the chapter to concretize the research, ideas, and conclusions he presents. The blending of philosophical distinctions with actual experiences makes his ideas more understandable and memorable. The book reads quickly and inspires hope for dealing with awkward situations, people, and your own awkwardness.
Highly recommended.
The first part of the book looks at awkwardness itself. Tashiro observes that awkward moments come when people miss certain social cues or expectations. For awkward people, their focus spotlights particular details that they find interesting, often missing the larger picture or other critical details in a situation. It's as if social rules are not intuitive or interesting to awkward people. However, once those rules are broken, the lapse is immediately obvious and uncomfortable. Understanding emotions is challenging for everyone and can be more difficult for awkward people. Certain parallels with autism are brought out though Tashiro does not identify awkwardness with autism. Learning some social dynamics and having strategies for dealing with particular situations are ways to alleviate the level of awkwardness in life for anyone.
The second part of the book looks at how modern society is making people feel more awkward. The shift away from face-to-face contact started with the telephone. Now with email and texting, a lot of the important interpretive details (facial expression, vocal inflection, etc.) are missing. The likelihood of misinterpreting or misconstruing an action or statement skyrockets. The problem is even worse in dating, where social expectations have shifted and blurred what used to be clear cut distinctions. When are you just friends? When are you going steady? When (or even if) should you get married? Nowadays, these questions have more ambiguity, causing more awkwardness.
The final part of the book considers how awkwardness is awesome. Tashiro discusses how being awkward is an adaptive trait. Evolutionarily, being awkward would seem like a negative trait that should eliminate those people from the gene pool. The awkward person's ability to stick with mundane tasks long past the point of boredom for a regular person can often contribute to the social group. Further, the ability to focus and to put together seemingly incongruent ideas is a hallmark of innovators and the awkward. There is a parallel or overlap between awkwardness and brilliance. Awkwardness definitely has an upside.
The book is surprisingly engaging. The author usually starts chapters with a personal anecdote (he's had his own awkward life) or a real life example and uses it throughout the chapter to concretize the research, ideas, and conclusions he presents. The blending of philosophical distinctions with actual experiences makes his ideas more understandable and memorable. The book reads quickly and inspires hope for dealing with awkward situations, people, and your own awkwardness.
Highly recommended.
March 28, 2020
Awkward is probably one of the most insightful books I've read in the past year. It's an amazing dissection of the phenomenon of being awkward, where it comes from, and certain ways to cope with it.
Awkwardness often stems from a very focused view of the world. The comparison the author made was to watch a stage show where there was a spotlight on a single area of the state that never moved. The awkward person in generally has very focused attention and may miss the rest of the play but will have remarkable understanding and insight into what happened in that particular area. Awkward people can build up little habits of trying to move that spotlight around to catch more of what's happening and get a more holistic view of what the arena of interaction is looking like.
The book also does an interesting dissection of the phenomenon of courtesy and manners and why they're important. The gist being that people rate others as being convivial or easy to work with based on the ratio of successful social cue responses to unsuccessful ones. Manners and pro forma behaviors allow us to put a few points on the board before we potentially miss a cue or commmit a faux pas. The world shifting to more casual interactions has made the world more awkward because we have fewer opportunities to use manners and trade cues.
This is just two of probably five large insights the book had. If these sound at all interesting, go read it.
Awkwardness often stems from a very focused view of the world. The comparison the author made was to watch a stage show where there was a spotlight on a single area of the state that never moved. The awkward person in generally has very focused attention and may miss the rest of the play but will have remarkable understanding and insight into what happened in that particular area. Awkward people can build up little habits of trying to move that spotlight around to catch more of what's happening and get a more holistic view of what the arena of interaction is looking like.
The book also does an interesting dissection of the phenomenon of courtesy and manners and why they're important. The gist being that people rate others as being convivial or easy to work with based on the ratio of successful social cue responses to unsuccessful ones. Manners and pro forma behaviors allow us to put a few points on the board before we potentially miss a cue or commmit a faux pas. The world shifting to more casual interactions has made the world more awkward because we have fewer opportunities to use manners and trade cues.
This is just two of probably five large insights the book had. If these sound at all interesting, go read it.
May 30, 2017
In "Awkward," psychologist Ty Tashiro examines the trait of social awkwardness and both the challenges and advantages that come with it. On the positive side, socially awkward people tend to have intense focus on their personal interests, which often leads to extraordinary achievements or innovations. In addition, awkwardness frequently overlaps with remarkable talent or areas of giftedness. On the other hand, awkward people also tend to devote attention to their areas of interest at the expense of developing social graces that communicate positive intent and help them fit in. This is especially problematic because awkward people desperately need good social graces to balance a natural inability to pick up on social cues and see the bigger picture in social situations. Throughout, Tashiro celebrates what's awesome about being awkward while also offering strategies to help awkward individuals navigate social life and develop nurturing relationships. I felt like the book got repetitive at times, but as an awkward person and a parent of awkward kids, I also found it both affirming and helpful.
June 13, 2018
*I won this in a GoodReads Giveaway*
2.5 stars.
While mostly well written, this book wasn't a hit for me. The first section could've been trimmed in half. It felt like the author repeated the same exact thing over and over and over. Awkward people have a narrow focus. Got it. No need to repeat in several different ways, several different times. I also thought the book ended in a rather odd way - almost abrupt?
I did think the section section - This is Getting Awkward - was considerably more interesting. It had a few points too about how to nurture an awkward child that I thought had potential and could be useful for parents.
2.5 stars.
While mostly well written, this book wasn't a hit for me. The first section could've been trimmed in half. It felt like the author repeated the same exact thing over and over and over. Awkward people have a narrow focus. Got it. No need to repeat in several different ways, several different times. I also thought the book ended in a rather odd way - almost abrupt?
I did think the section section - This is Getting Awkward - was considerably more interesting. It had a few points too about how to nurture an awkward child that I thought had potential and could be useful for parents.
December 30, 2017
Minimal science. Not about emotions. Autobiography of the author. Shoveling opinion as fact. Full of extreme generalizations. Super repetitive.
August 18, 2021
I found this book when it was highlighted by the Public Libraries SG’s Instagram account and as someone who feels awkward a lot, I thought it was something that I should read.
Written by Ty Tashiro, a self-confessed awkward person, Awkward the book breaks down the issue of awkwardness into three aspects:
What is awkwardness?
Awkwardness in a social context – nurturing awkward kids and the awkwardness of dating/making friends
The shift towards embracing awkwardness
According to Tashiro, awkward people are those who see the spotlight instead of the whole show. While social adept people can view a social situation at large and figure out what they need to do, awkward people tend to zero in one particular aspect, making them more prone to making small social missteps that could cost them social capital. So while awkward people have their strengths, they tend to deplete the goodwill other people have for them, which makes it harder for them to interact with others.
For Tashiro, his parents helped him by teaching him how to act in certain situations in a matter-of-fact manner. For example, before they went into a fast-food restaurant, they would drill him on the things he needed to do (e.g. decide on what to eat while queuing, say please and thank you, have the money ready), to help him to eventually generalise what he needed to do in similar situations.
While I enjoyed most of the book, I did think that the second section on awkwardness in social contexts could be longer. This section is subtitled “how modern societal shifts are making everyone feel more awkward”, but apart from a discussion on how the internet strips conversations of body language and other cues that make it easier to discern tone, I didn’t really see much about how everyone is feeling more awkward compared to the past. Are we indeed more awkward or is it just that very online people are awkward types (and socially fluent people are living their lives offline) and hence it seems like everyone is more awkward?
Overall, I found this to be an interesting book on what it means to be awkward. I enjoyed the many stories from Tashiro and his patients and it made me realise that I was lucky to have grown up with a group of supportive friends that, ultimately, helped me feel like I belonged despite my awkwardness.
This review was first posted at Eustea Reads
Written by Ty Tashiro, a self-confessed awkward person, Awkward the book breaks down the issue of awkwardness into three aspects:
What is awkwardness?
Awkwardness in a social context – nurturing awkward kids and the awkwardness of dating/making friends
The shift towards embracing awkwardness
According to Tashiro, awkward people are those who see the spotlight instead of the whole show. While social adept people can view a social situation at large and figure out what they need to do, awkward people tend to zero in one particular aspect, making them more prone to making small social missteps that could cost them social capital. So while awkward people have their strengths, they tend to deplete the goodwill other people have for them, which makes it harder for them to interact with others.
For Tashiro, his parents helped him by teaching him how to act in certain situations in a matter-of-fact manner. For example, before they went into a fast-food restaurant, they would drill him on the things he needed to do (e.g. decide on what to eat while queuing, say please and thank you, have the money ready), to help him to eventually generalise what he needed to do in similar situations.
While I enjoyed most of the book, I did think that the second section on awkwardness in social contexts could be longer. This section is subtitled “how modern societal shifts are making everyone feel more awkward”, but apart from a discussion on how the internet strips conversations of body language and other cues that make it easier to discern tone, I didn’t really see much about how everyone is feeling more awkward compared to the past. Are we indeed more awkward or is it just that very online people are awkward types (and socially fluent people are living their lives offline) and hence it seems like everyone is more awkward?
Overall, I found this to be an interesting book on what it means to be awkward. I enjoyed the many stories from Tashiro and his patients and it made me realise that I was lucky to have grown up with a group of supportive friends that, ultimately, helped me feel like I belonged despite my awkwardness.
This review was first posted at Eustea Reads
November 11, 2018
I first heard of this book when the author was interviewed on The Art of Manliness Podcast and gave some great practical advice on picking up on social ques and improving your social skills. The title can be a little missleading but the first chapter clears up any confusion. This book is about helping those awkward people improve their social skills not glorifying the negative traits they posses.
Part 1 of the book shifts between usually humorous and sometimes autobiographical antidotes, explaining in laymen’s terms how the brain functions, and practical advice for improving your social skills. These are all woven together in a compelling way that makes Part 1 a joy to read. Part 1 is a great resource for those looking to improve their social skills.
Part 2 deals with some of the reasons causing interactions to become more difficult for everyone in recent history. He shows how online interaction has changed how we interact and shows the importance of parent’s teaching their children proper social ediquette. He becomes inconsistent in this section. He shows how the decline of formal manners, the traditional family, marriage, and local communities of like minded individuals have lead to people having poorer social skills. Instead of lauding the institutions which had helped people develop these skills he lauds “societal progress” right after showing its plethora of failures. Chapters 7 and 8 are the weakest part of the book and could be skipped. Along the way he continues to sprinkle in anecdotes and practical advice for improving your manners and social skills.
In Part 3 the author argues that there is a great overlap between people with poor social skills and those who are gifted in other non-social areas. He spends this section showing examples of this.
Overall I would recommend Awkward (especially Part 1) for those who have poor social skills and want to put forth the effort of improving them.
Part 1 of the book shifts between usually humorous and sometimes autobiographical antidotes, explaining in laymen’s terms how the brain functions, and practical advice for improving your social skills. These are all woven together in a compelling way that makes Part 1 a joy to read. Part 1 is a great resource for those looking to improve their social skills.
Part 2 deals with some of the reasons causing interactions to become more difficult for everyone in recent history. He shows how online interaction has changed how we interact and shows the importance of parent’s teaching their children proper social ediquette. He becomes inconsistent in this section. He shows how the decline of formal manners, the traditional family, marriage, and local communities of like minded individuals have lead to people having poorer social skills. Instead of lauding the institutions which had helped people develop these skills he lauds “societal progress” right after showing its plethora of failures. Chapters 7 and 8 are the weakest part of the book and could be skipped. Along the way he continues to sprinkle in anecdotes and practical advice for improving your manners and social skills.
In Part 3 the author argues that there is a great overlap between people with poor social skills and those who are gifted in other non-social areas. He spends this section showing examples of this.
Overall I would recommend Awkward (especially Part 1) for those who have poor social skills and want to put forth the effort of improving them.
January 11, 2020
It's only towards the end of the book when the author describes the trade-offs of intelligence and social awkwardness. Much of the book is about children, who are awkward - what are they thinking and why they are behaving differently. There is advice on how to help them navigate the social world, like focusing on three social cues at a time. For example, if a friend greets you, then look him in the eye, smile, and say "hi." If he asks "how are you," then respond "I'm fine" and ask him how he is. These social scripts help children see the pattern in people's behaviors. It is like learning the language and customs of a foreign country for them.
February 15, 2020
I wouldn’t say I’m particularly awkward although I’ve certainly put my foot in my mouth from time to time, but I was still drawn to this book because let’s face it, we’re all a little awkward. That and I find human behaviour to be, as Ty says, both maddening and wonderful.
Ty is a great writer. He writes non-fiction in a way that feels like you’re reading fiction—not easy to do. I found “Awkward” to be enlightening, informative, funny and surprisingly heartfelt. At the end of the day, choosing to learn more about other people is an act of empathy. Ty’s book is one that I feel can be appreciated by everyone and used as a tool to better understand yourself as well as those around you. Anything that inspires more compassion, more empathy, more kindness in the world is a win for me. This book does just that!
Ty is a great writer. He writes non-fiction in a way that feels like you’re reading fiction—not easy to do. I found “Awkward” to be enlightening, informative, funny and surprisingly heartfelt. At the end of the day, choosing to learn more about other people is an act of empathy. Ty’s book is one that I feel can be appreciated by everyone and used as a tool to better understand yourself as well as those around you. Anything that inspires more compassion, more empathy, more kindness in the world is a win for me. This book does just that!
July 18, 2024
This was a fascinating case study of the author, with lots of other research thrown in to help elaborate and explain the point Tashiro was trying to make. It was very readable and accessible, even to my non-scientific brain. As a somewhat awkward person with one somewhat awkward child, one very awkward child, and two not awkward kids, I was engrossed throughout. Not everything applied to me or my family, but it was all well-researched and well-presented. I appreciated the author using examples from his own life when possible so the book came across as a commiserating discussion rather than a patronizing lecture.
September 13, 2017
I like how the author is himself awkward and includes his own experiences as he explains why awkward can be good. He makes a lot of good points and I enjoyed his writing style. Alrhough I do think the book could of been a little shorter. I found myself skimming toward the end. I got the point and didn't need the extra pages of how some awkward people have hyper focus and that makes them awesome. The book focuses on those people and not so much the people that are awkward without being amazingly good at something.
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